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User Topic: When Your WS Works with the Affair Person - Part 2
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
abettermarriage
♀ New Member
Member # 27442
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see this back...

My FWH has an EA with a co-worker for about 2 months last Spring. It was all based at his work, on breaks and lots of texting. He has had NC since Mid June, except for any work related activities, which seemed to have dropped off (he says they created alot of reasons to work together before). We have looked for other jobs, but it is impossible right now in this market to find anything. At first, he wasn't THAT motivated to leave. FOG. Now, he says, at least once a week, he'd like to leave. Not because of her, neccessarily, but because he doesn't love his job. He hardly sees her at all and gets infrequent work related e-mails. He tells me about any sightings or e-mails immediately. BUT, it is still the hardest part of the R. I was blindsided before, why couldn't it happen again? That fear is what depresses me about once a month now (used to be once a week, getting better).

Anyone have any encouragment for us dealing with S working with the AP?

Thanks!


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
srb1608
♀ Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Currently dealing with this too. He was OW and a shift of 20's superior. He resigned that position so he wouldnt have to talk to her at all, but is still on the production line. She broke NC just last night to "apologize" for making fun of him behind his back for goind to church now and reading his bible at work. (real classy) It was only an excuse to contact him. He immediately called me and i immediately called her to let her know he told me and to again NOT CONTACT HIM AT ALL! And hung up without allowing her the chance to talk to me about it. I didnt accomplish much other than to let her know he told me and wasnt hiding her anymore.

He is up for a shift swap but it cant happen overnight so we are waiting as patiently as we can.

This makes for a very hard time for us BS. Right now h is making good choices as he is heavy into church and counseling. Has an accountability buddy at work who is a good christian man willing to help him and answer any questions i may have. But i too fear that one day something will change.

This sucks so bad! But just like everyone else. If they are gonna go back to their old ways they will. They must be strong enough and be accountable anywhere.

Hang in there!
Maybe someone will be along to help us out!


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
sick_of_the_lies
♀ Member
Member # 26961
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, February 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advice to offer, just sympathy. My WH works with his AP, as well, and it sucks. He does not tell me about contact, though, I just keep managing to catch him in lies, or he forgets to delete emails. Even if he has finally stopped contacting her (which he claims, for the hundredth time), I think this will be a problem for us no matter where he works. He will always flirt with female coworkers, and I imagine this won't be the only time he goes too far. Short of working with him, though, there's not much I can do, other than monitor his contact with female co-workers. He's currently having what I would consider too much contact with another one, so I suppose I'll have to address that with him as well.

Has anyone ever dealt with a WS who consistently engages in affairs or inappropriate conduct at work?


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009
blondegirl
♀ New Member
Member # 27388
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One year into their affair, other woman took a job in my husband's area of the hospital where he works. It is a small building apart from the hospital and requires them to work out of town at least once a week. She initially worked part time. Right before Christmas she took a full time position there. We were 9 months in to R. and thins were going well. He cannot afford to leave. Now I am thinking of leaving, because I can't imagine dealing with her in our lives for the next twenty years. He says it shouldn't matter to me, but it does!


M -31 year
Admitted to EA 1/16/09
D-Day 3/30/09

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2010
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Frustrated  Posted: 11:31 PM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok have not posted here in awhile ... which is good I guess ...

But tonight after the super bowl was over and I was watching Drew Brees with his son ... and he was crying and then he teared up again when he mentioned him in his speech ...

triggered me onto the roller coaster again ... just WHAM out of the blue and there I was falling into sadness ...

that is all I ever wanted in my life was what was shining in Brees's eyes holding his son ... guess I hopes for wanted to much in my life ....

now I feel like I have to settle for school ... which I am excited for and a little nervous now ... I start in a week ...

but I all ever wanted was to be a mommy and have a man who loved me and my children ... just the simple things ... and seeing him with his son hearing him talk about him with pride and love in his voice ...

just brought it all crashing down that that shall never be for me ...

and it hurts so badly ...

So last week on Thursday I believe stbx called me to talk about taxes and this was during the storm when we had no power for a week ... anyway he caught me off gaurd calling me and I wound up sobbing on the phone when we hung up ...

not what I wanted to do was to have him hear me like that anymore ... UGH !!!!

anyway he called me yesterday morning also to get my new address so he could ssend me my 1/2 and I did not cry that time ...

both conversations were very short and to the point no chit chat ... both calls were less than 10 minutes ... kept strictly to $$$ and dogs ... so that was good ...

anyway just an update on where I am at ...

hope you all are doing well and may you all find the peace and balance your lives deserve ....

have a great Monday !!!!

and YAY SAINTS !!!!!

just thought I would put all the faces at the end this time ... I don't know why ... to be different ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, February 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. Things are still ok here, they still work together, and my W and I are both doing are best to deal with it. If everything is going well in my world, I hardly react to when she tells me she had to deal with him on any given day.

But we all know those times don't happen often enough. My anger management skills need work.

Take care everyone.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
abettermarriage
♀ New Member
Member # 27442
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People can do this, right? I know co-workers who were together (maybe not "A"s) and broke up and still work together. They've moved on, gotten married, gotten over the SO. I have to beleive it CAN happen. However, last night my husband did say he "seriously" is going to start looking elsewhere for employment. GOOD NEWS! Happy Day...let's see how long it takes....
Is that light at the end of the tunnel??


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

abm, It can be done.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 16th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS worked with both OW. I told him I wanted him to work with them. If he wanted them he could have them. He got a different job. It took awhile but it happened.
I think a work A is the hardest to deal with. They get them longer during the day then we BS do at home. KWIM?? But what do I have to compare with?
Anywho good luck. And just think if they choose the OW or the OP so be it. You will be better off and the sooner the better. Quit wasting your time. That is what I told my WS.
Just remember you will survive and stay strong.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GAH !!!

just felt better to say that ... nothing new to report ...

started school on tuesday and it was all orenitation stuff ... real school starts on this Monday ...

also posted in O/T bout my new study nest

and I posted in D/S about going to hiring a lawyer ...

very scary ...

Don't know how much longer they are going to work together ... as stbxwh is done with his school for parole and has applied to the state of CO to get into the pool ...

he says he is going to wait on a position to open up in his home town ... ya know so he can stay near her

she will continue to work for the prison ... also a state agency least they won't be under the same roof ... at some point in the future ... but will still remain together ...

anyway that is it for me ...
hope ya'll are doing well ...

hugs to all


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
fourtimesthefool
♀ Member
Member # 27625
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, February 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH works for the DOC. So does the the OW. She works in one wing and he is in another. I think they have had NC since I confronted both of them except what they have to for work. But I still have a hard time dealing with knowing that he is spending more time at work with her then with me. I have no way of knowing if they are staying away from each other at work since he said that no one at work knows of there secret friendship. At least not that anyone has told me. Please advise as to handle this.


Fourtimesthefool
BS - me
WH - him
DDay - Feb 8, 2010
Child - 9

Posts: 74 | Registered: Feb 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, February 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fourtimesthefool: He needs to make you feel comfortable with their working together. Is he being transparent with you? Does he have a work email that he could give you access to? (I realize this may be difficult in a DOC situation--my stbxwh is DOC also and all three OW have been coworkers.)

If you both are trying to R (not just you), you need to work together to set up a system for you to feel comfortable with his work environment. You say that no one has mentioned anything to you--do you have friends where he works? There are ways around this, and there are ways to check up on him; after you have made 50 posts, you will be have access to the Investigative threads. You may want to look into keyloggers, voice-activated recorders (VARs) etc. Good luck and keep posting.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19188 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
flygirl96
♀ Member
Member # 22954
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, February 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi guys! My FWH also works with the whore. Well, she works downstairs and he is upstairs in the gym. I hate her and hate that she left and then came back after being gone 10 months. I feel like she came back thinking they could resume where they left off but much to her surprise he stays away and maintains NC I hope. I just hope he really sees her for what she is. I always wonder if he has any feelings at all for her. I ask and he says no but he lied about her for so long it makes you always wonder.

Thinking of you all.

[This message edited by flygirl96 at 4:07 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 340 | Registered: Feb 2009
inabadway
♀ Member
Member # 27636
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine works with her but on different projects. I've asked him to find another job. He's just finished his resume (dday was 3 weeks ago). He better apply to some jobs this week or I'll take that as a sign that he is lying about wanting to work things out.


Me - 37
WS - 39
2 kids
D-Day 2/7/10
He wants to work it out (of course he does)...but do I?

Posts: 246 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: The Middle
WHavoids
♀ Member
Member # 26847
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Howdy. Unfortunately I should have joined this thread back on DDay. I guess there has been too much other sh*t to deal with, the work situation seemed to be last on my list.

Anyway, I posted in R last week about my FWH having yet another epiphany, asking to try to R again: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=341409. He's stuck with this latest epiphany for over a week. I'm afraid though that I've hit the point of no return. It seems like the mind movies from just after DDay have come back full-force, and I feel paralyzed about moving forward whether it's D or R.

If I chose to work toward R, I know I'll need to lay out my boundaries specifically for my FWH. I keep going back to the work situation and wondering what will be too much for me to deal with. He works with the OW, who is dating someone else and apparently couldn't care less about him, but it just bothers me to no end that they're so close to each other each day. He is an engineer and she is in marketing, so they don't really have to work together. But his office is near the break room so he hears everyone who goes in and out of it. And right before his latest epiphany, he was texting a buddy about how this woman was "ideal" and how he couldn't "get over her." He says now that he only thinks of her when we are bad, but of course I can't really believe anything he says....

Argh. I guess I'm just venting. This whole thing just sucks. Sometimes I realize that this is my life...this isn't a dream...


me BS 29
him FWH 32
together 10 years
married 4 years
d day 09/10/09
DIVORCED

Posts: 139 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: NC
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He better apply to some jobs this week

iabw, I hope he does, it sounds like it would be a big step for the both of you.

WHa, sounds like you are trying too hard. Does he understand what NC in the workplace involves?I think my W still has problems with this. I know she is trying to achieve it.

Do you think he could achieve NC with his ap?


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Drk.8
♀ Member
Member # 26950
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Finding a new job wouldn’t make any difference in my sitch, WH would still call (or email) the OW from his new place like he did when he was out of town on a business trip.


Me-BS-38, him-WH-40
Married 13+ yrs, together 17 yrs
Perfect 10 yr-old son
DD#1-6/5/09, DD#2-7/8/09, DD#3-12/18/09
Divorcing

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: US
WHavoids
♀ Member
Member # 26847
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, February 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drk.8, this is my fear:

Finding a new job wouldn’t make any difference in my sitch, WH would still call (or email) the OW from his new place like he did when he was out of town on a business trip.

Part of me thinks there is no use in worrying whether they work together because of this - if they want each other they'll get each other.


sounds like you are trying too hard

Dirk Pitt, thanks for the insight. Would you mind elaborating, though, particularly since you're a BS yourself?


me BS 29
him FWH 32
together 10 years
married 4 years
d day 09/10/09
DIVORCED

Posts: 139 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: NC
reset button
♂ Member
Member # 27659
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW had a 9 mo. EA/PA with her boss. She works very closely with him and traveled often with him (that's part of how this mess happened).

After a couple of trickle DDays a couple months back (only admitting EA), a week ago she came 100% clean on the length and extent of the 9 mos. EA/PA (much worse than I ever expected)

She also established NC last Thursday except only business related discussion and she started IC this week. She has been honest about their interaction, saying that they did kiss again Friday after she tried to fight him off a couple of times but couldn't hold off her emotion.

This week had been good according to her (only limited business discussion), but when she came home today she said she talked with him on a personal level about his family for a couple of minutes.

I am so happy she is being honest with me, but it hurts so bad. I don't see anyway R can happen without her changing jobs. She is incredibly successful in her career, and it's probably the only thing she can be proud of right now.

I truly believe she is trying her best, but she admitted she still loves him. She said, though she knows it's wrong and she wants to do the right thing to start healing herself. I truly believe her, but I don't think she will be strong enough.

So my questions:
1) Is there really anyway to start R if he is still in her day to day life at work?

2) How do I deal with rewarding her honesty, when what she tells me makes me want to

3) Has your WS ever tried to work with the AP for a while before finally resigning to the fact that it can't happen?

I think she's made huge strides, but since the affair didn't end a natural death (I busted her and told her I was leaving) I don't think there is a future.


Me: BH (30)
Her: WW (29)
AP: Her 42 yr old boss
9 Mos. EA/PA
Married: 3 yrs
Together: 7 yrs

DDay 1: 11/21/09 (ILYBINILWY)
DDay 2: 2/18/10 - Full disclosure of EA/PA

Divorced (my choice) 10/8/10


Posts: 60 | Registered: Feb 2010
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