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User Topic: When Your WS Works with the Affair Person - Part 2
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everytime she mentions his name, it sets me back a bit. But I have come far enough so that the feeling doesn't last.

Life does get better.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
KInUSA
♀ Member
Member # 19503
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just the thought of them being in the same building everyday makes me want to puke. It is a medical practice and that is where my doc is located.


I have been there twice since finding out and I now know what anxiety feels like. Last time I could hardly get out of the car and sat in tears willing my legs to want to move, scared that I was going to explode screaming.

I feel like until i get back in the car I don't breath.

I could change practices but I really love my doc and other than OW, WH and one other person I don't think anyone else knows.


DDay 4 November 2009
DDay #2 14 December 2010


Posts: 499 | Registered: May 2008 | From: far far from home
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi uncertainty29

My H works with 2 of his 4OWs. They have intermittent contact during the day/evening depending on jobs to be done. He is a wardsman in a hospital and they are nurses.

He

1. Calls me often during his shift and always tells me if they are working.

2. Tells me when he has to do jobs for them.

3. Tells me that when he can he avoids doing jobs with them by saying he's busy when they page him.

4. Tells me of inappropriate contact. (eg Told me OW3 said she'd "forgive" him for cheating on her with OW2 . Told me OW2 tried to give him a secret phone).

5. Never uses their names - we have nicknames for them based on where they work.

I'm dealing with it. It's very tough but best for us that he stays in this job. I just pray every day that they will get hit by the Karma bus - preferably the big C to take them out of the picture completely

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to relate an anecdote that might or might not be relevant.

Last year, I dated a woman who was a former wayward. It ended her marriage. She's not really introspective enough to go through any kind of transformation like we see here on SI, so I took what she said with a grain of salt. And I don't think I ever trusted her, which is one piece of many in why we didn't date very long.

But she told me that the man she cheated with, long-term, was someone she worked with. And that she felt very frustrated that even though her husband wanted reconciliation (they tried, but it didn't work), she would have respected his efforts more and given more had he insisted she find another job.

Of course, in this economy, jobs don't grow on trees (even for forest rangers).


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1655 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
uncertainty29
♀ New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 24th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait so she wanted her husband to insist she find another job? That would have made her feel better?

Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
hangingon81
♀ Member
Member # 31521
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mu husband still works with his OW as well, but they very rarely have to see each other. The one thing I am thankful for is that i do not have to interact with the people he works with. I don't think i could handle the pity since i know that several of them know what happened.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Minnesota
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have had an intersting revelation in the whole work scenario. She has moved on to several other marrried coworkers. It has been confirmed as she is the talk of the office as to how many drinks it takes to get her to do them. Honestly it sounds like a high school locker room there. She has been with atleast 5 single co workers and another 4-5 married co workers. All within the last year.

You would think this would be a great thing for us to learn, however, my FWH seems completely shaken by this.
I have noticed he is quite depressed and upset.

We have talked about this in the past and I figured he knew what she was like and that when this came out -he knew she was like that.

I really beleive he thought that what they had together was special. She told him all the time that she would never do such a thing that he was special, that what they had was special. I beleive he has realized now that maybe he wasn't all that.

It is very upsetting to me to see him upset. He states the reason he is upset is because he feels bad bringing this type of thing into our lives. He states now that he is grateful we were not given a disease, but I don't fel that is why he is upset. I have known him for years and he seems hurt.

This woman stalked me and sent me evil text and email messages. He never believed it was her. I would like to think he is upset because he kept beleiving in her, and let me be victimized, but I don't think that is it. I think he is hurt and really beleived they shared something between the two of them that he felt she wouldn't do with others.

I guess this may be a learning lesson to him and maybe all WS's -women who will just pick up with a married man - usually are just what most people think of them as. She is affectionatley called the office who#e and the company drunk by his coworkers. I am not sure he knows how to handle that.

I would have thought that such a revelation would have been a good thing, yet seeing him sad and upset -really has not been good. It is devastating to me. How can he have any feelings for this woman?



Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with the fact that my WH still works closely with the MOW. He has 1 on 1 meetings with her at least once a week. He promises me that the A will not start up again. He feels he made the right decision to stay with me. I feel I/we can't move on until she is out of our lives FOREVER!!!


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
uncertainty29
♀ New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((mostlymine))

Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 19th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do all of you handle having your WS still work with the AP? What guidelines did you put up? What bondaries?


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, May 20th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honey

I know how you feel. It is truly horrible knowing they are working with the OWs. I told FWH he had to tell me every time they were at work when he was.(He does shift work at a hospital with OWs - all nurses- and so do they so I won't know unless he tells me). For the first few months I actually drove by hospital to check (to see if their cars were there). After a few months I stopped as he had never lied about this and I was tired of checking!

All his OWs are nurses he works with. He has been at the same hospital for 24 yrs so God knows how many there have been. I know about 4 (1EA - OWzero- and 3 PA's). It truly is the worst nightmare. But there is hope. I truly believe he is remorseful (at present) - who knows how he will be in the future? I just hope it lasts. If not his arse is TOAST. You won't see me for dust. I have told him that if I find out ONE piece of contact that he hasn't disclosed we are done. He knows I mean it.

Now I have told him NOT to tell me when they are working (on the advice of my therapist who says I am bringing the past into the present - R). However he must tell me if they have contact. I have told him all conversation must be business related. Both have tried personal contact and he has told me (OW2 tried to give him a 'secret' phone, OW3 told him she would forgive him for cheating on her with OW2 and have him back. A week ago she told him her son was in jail. This was in front of other people and he said "I'm sorry about that", and left the room.)

The hard part about working with them is that when others are around he is limited in what he can say/do and I have to trust that he is polite (without being rude) but also that he discourages any "fishing". OW3 tried to intimidate me when I saw her (when my aunt was dying) and FWH has been cranky about this which is good.

Yep it is really hard. I suppose like us you are in a position where he can't change jobs. I don't know how long I will be able to take it for. I just hope they die soon!

Hugs

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:33 AM, May 20th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
alone-abroad
♀ New Member
Member # 32153
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 22nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like this is one of those no win situations for me. My husband's OW is on his actual team and he is her boss. Team consists of about 6/7 people. It's ridiculous but due to the transactional nature of his job, he can't leave until he closes some more deals or we're sunk financially.

He has made an honest effort at NC outside of work dealings and even tries to minimize contact at work. Both in IC and MC. So on the right track but I feel like we might never succeed due to the work situation. Anyone make it work like this?

In the end, if I feel like we are on a really good R track I will insist regardless...either she leaves or he does and we'll just make it work. I'm going to give it a few more months yet since my DD was only in Feb.

Appreciate any feedback from people in similar situations. WS works in high level financial industry -- lots of pressure and long hours!


Posts: 47 | Registered: May 2011 | From: London
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 23rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!! Something good --- actually something great may have come out of this crappy economy. Supposedly OW will be losing her job either at the end of June or the end of August. FINALLY!!!!! I'm not exactly holding my breath (there have been other times when I was hoping she would be gone) but I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed that it is true this time --- and praying that she doesn't get a different job at the same place.

I agree with dirk pitt that it does get easier to deal with as time goes on (plus her office was moved from right next to WS to another building -- gotta say that helped immensely -- although WS still had to spend time over at the other building)but if I knew what I was in for I think I would have made different decisions. This has been a long, rough time ---- PLEASE, PLEASE have her be gone this time!!!!!!


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2006
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad to see some activity on this board - I check here often - but rarely see any new posts.

My H works with OW - he is her boss-

At first I thought I could deal with them working together - but since DD - there have been 10 (that I know of) broken NC!

The last one - 2 weeks ago - and i just refuse to live like this any longer. I think once there is that "something" between them - and they're forced to give it up (I found out)..there is always that attraction. Especially if it was physical as well as emotional - which there's was - and it was about 18 months before I discovered it.

And now they're supposed to work together - and..uh...nothing? Nope - I don't think so.

There was a time when I thought they could work together and be ok - but it can't happen- when I discovered this last broken NC - he told me had set boundaries with her - they could only be friends! Are you kidding me? After all the talks we've had, etc.

I've now insisted my H get another job - and in this economy - and with his type of position- which is a very specialized position - it won't be easy.

But I don't care - I won't live with him - knowing he is going off to see her everyday. Until he gets another job - he's sleeping in the spare bedroom. For the FIRST time in a year - he's suffering a consequence - which is my fault - i've been too forgiving and understanding so far. I'm done. He can figure it out.

Thanks for letting me vent!


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Nov 2007
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your pain. Every time WH comes home later than normal I worry that it's because he's started up the affair. I really want him to find a new job but he works in a specific field and it's hard to find anything in the same state. I don't want to move out of texas. Maybe I should give a deadline when he has to find a job by?

[This message edited by mostlymine at 8:51 PM, June 3rd (Friday)]


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when all this happened..i really thought we could get through it with him still working with her..

but i really see now that its not going to work, at least not for me. put yourself in their shoes..could you have an intimate realtionship with someone..then see them everyday..and have the strength to not talk or interact? At least at some point - they are going to talk.."hey, remember how great that was...or, how are things at home...etc"

no..i'm not putting up with this...HE has to figure something else out...either she goes..or he does.

i read here so many times...if they work together, its never really over. i really feel, particulary, if it was a forced ended (as my H's was, i found out) - its never over.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Nov 2007
alone-abroad
♀ New Member
Member # 32153
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worry about that as well. How can he ever really get over her if he sees her every single day, all day long. She is the forbidden fruit now! I just don't know what to do.

Posts: 47 | Registered: May 2011 | From: London
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our case mow asked my WH to leave me and he turned her down. She is heartbroken and now forgives him for betraying her. The longer they work together the more I want to send an email to the whore with my thoughts.


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mostlymine-

i hate to tell you this- and don't know when your DD was-
but if they work together - its NOT over.

Sure - I thought my husband and my situation was a little different.

It's not - trust me - if they are together everyday - regardless of what he tells you - they are talking, etc. and soon will be right back in the affair.

I know..I know, you don't want to hear it - neither did I-

But here I am- a YEAR after DD - several broken NC- and yes, I did call and tell her she was a whore-

nothing changed 2 weeks ago - he called her - i heard it on the var.

well - i'm wising up now - he's in the spare bedroom until he finds another job.

this is probably the FRIST consequence I've made him suffer - other than listening to me cry and vent-

i don't care how specialized his job is - he better leave that place. It's his problem to figure out now - i'm done.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Nov 2007
tryinginmi
♀ Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW and WH still work for the same company of about 300 people, but WH was able to change location/area right after DDay. They could see each other at breaks if they wanted, but in their jobs they cannot leave their areas without getting in trouble.

They are still working the same hours.

They attend the same company meetings.

He is supposed to tell me if he sees her at all.

They have monthly meetings, and he has yet to mention seeing her since September. I have a very hard time believing this. I worked for the company for 10 years, and know what those meetings are like. His story is he goes in with his head down at the last minute, stands at the front of the room with his eyes straight forward and never looks around.

I can imagine this, but don't know if I believe the story.

I DONT think the A is continueing. I know she has moved on to her next MOM and moved out of her house. I have friends at the Co. that know what happened and are watching for me now.

I STILL want him gone!!! I hate that they are both still there! The really bad things is I think I take a secret joy in knowing that many of his coworkers know about the A with the known company skank. They would not approve AT ALL! In fact one of the reasons his KISA ass befriended her in the first place is because everyone else at the co treated her so bad.

Duh, if it walks like a whore, smells like a whore, and talks like a whore.....it's probably a whore.


Me - BW 38
Him - FWH 38
Her - MOW 46 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 954 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
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