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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When Your WS Works with the Affair Person - Part 2
Agate
♀ New Member
Member # 33038
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, August 27th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VAR the office is a good idea, I wonder where I could put it? I've been saying I want to put a few things up for him.

His voice sounds reverential, protective, awed almost when saying the co-workers name. It was the protective nuance that really jolted me.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2011
iowagirl32
♀ Member
Member # 33200
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course, since Im posting on this thread, the OW is a ho-worker (I love that term). It started when me and WH were having alot of problems, were very much not connected, so he figured he'd go find himself someone that would give him what he needed. He actively pursuded her, starting as "just friends" and gradually pushing their online talks to more intimate things. Thanks to a keylogger I installed on our home computer, I got to see all their "talks". We have had several D days, and more to follow as he's only confessed to what I had already figured out. I didnt tell him how I knew what I knew, and didnt confront him on everything. I didnt want him to know how I was getting this info, as spying seems to be the only way I ever get the truth. Since then, he has told her at least 3 times that they couldnt be together anymore, because he wanted to concentrate on fixing things with me. But, they both still wanted to be "friends". Predicitably, the A quickly resumed after only a few days. He tells me that he broke off all contact with her, other than when he has to talk to her for work reasons. He works in a auto parts plant in maintance, she is a press operator. But that is a lie, they were talking and still groping each other in his car after work. The past 2 weeks production hasn't been running as they are doing equipement overhalls, etc. WH is still working, but she is laid off for another 4 weeks. This past week he hasnt hardly spoken to her (online anyway) and when he has it was really brief and like they were just buddies. I've wondered if he figured out that Im able to track what he does online, though he hasnt changed his porn habits. When she comes back to work, I guess will be the true test. Since I know that the most often fooled around in his car, I have thought about putting a var in there to find out if its still going on. It just really really hurts that the one person that I believed would never hurt me or let me down could do something like this. When we started dating he kept telling me that "not all men are alike". True, some are worse.


Life is like a diaper. Sometimes its warm and comforting, sometimes its cold and wet. And sometimes, its just full of shit.


-------------------------------

Me - BW 41
Him - WH 49
DD 13
DS 10
M - 16 years, together for 21 years
D day -w


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Iowa
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh still works with mow. He has lied about interactions with ho worker. He went to a training in the beginning of aug. He lied that she was also at this training. I then found a paper in the trash from that day that looks like he was writing notes to her. He lied and denied it was his all week. I finally got physical proof that she was at the training. He finally admitted he wrote it and that he talked to her because he wanted to be a decent person and find out how her mother was doing (she had surgery). Non work communication was a deal breaker. I can't believe he was willing to throw it all away for that! Unfortunately I backed down. I think I am getting to my breaking point.

In the beginning of October he has to go to Vegas for work. I asked if she was going he said no but mentioned some from a department was going. I think he might be lying. I'm thinking of asking him again. If he says no I'm tempted to ask his boss. If his boss says yes then our marriage is over. Is that unreasonable? If he can't tell me the truth then what is e point of staying married? I need so much help. I'm a sahm. Divorce will require me to go back to a horrible job, get rid of my dog (first pet), sell our home, move to a different city so I can have family around to help with the kids.

Why can't he put me and the marriage first? He is even saying he doesn't even know if he loves me or not! It has been over a month that he has felt this way!

[This message edited by mostlymine at 10:29 PM, September 10th (Saturday)]


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honey

I'm so sorry. I know how it feels.

FWH works with OW2 and OW3. It is really hard sometimes but I have made myself a promise - I have promised myself that if I find out he has broken NC for other than work related issues then we are done. I will not live the rest of my life worrying.

The fact is our (F)WHs have deceived us, used and abused us. We have given them a chance. They showed how pathetic and weak they were in the past. If they want a future with us they have to prove they are worth it. My FWH has one chance and only one. If he blows it we are done.

I agree with your plan. If I was you I would make it clear to your WH. You are being given one chance. Only one. Say it loud and clear. Choose me or choose OWs. I will not have a H who isn't 100% in the M. Choose me now or fuck off!!!!! Have any more contact with her that is not work related and we are done.

I suspect he knows you are vulnerable. You are frightened of trying to manage with your kids alone. The bastard knows he has you over a barrel. Well honey he doesn't. YOU HAVE CHOICES!!! You will choose to go it alone rather than continue to be abused. Yes it will be shitty if he doesn't step up. It will be horrible trying to cope alone. But for me it would be more horrible wondering every time he goes to work what they are up to.

If he doesn't know if he loves you kick the stupid arsehole to the curb. He will always bring you grief.

HUGS honey

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iowagirl32
♀ Member
Member # 33200
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with your plan. If I was you I would make it clear to your WH. You are being given one chance. Only one. Say it loud and clear. Choose me or choose OWs. I will not have a H who isn't 100% in the M. Choose me now or fuck off!!!!!

Yes! I love this one! I think that is the biggest mistake that I've made in all of this, I've been way to needy and hurt and that just gives him the room to keep up the EA. They aren't having a PA but he's still talkig to her as a "friend". I work 1st shift and he's on 2nd -which is part of our issues that led to the A. We have limited time together. In some ways it gives me a break from the stress, but I know that in the long run its not good for our M. I get to where I hate for him to go back to work after the weekends, because I know she will be there. I dont sleep well, and I dread when he has to work weekend because after work on on the weekends is when they would sit in his car and have make out / groping sessions. I know in my head that its not about me, its about him trying to find someone to make him feel good about himself. She's more than willing to sing his praises and Im not. But heart can't help but feel batter and brusied when he goes from making love to me, to get on the computer and either talk to the OW, look at porn, or both at the same time. I've thought about sending the OW some screen shots that show him talking to her while he's got porn going in the background. I hate feeling like he doesnt think Im worth being faithful to.


Life is like a diaper. Sometimes its warm and comforting, sometimes its cold and wet. And sometimes, its just full of shit.


-------------------------------

Me - BW 41
Him - WH 49
DD 13
DS 10
M - 16 years, together for 21 years
D day -w


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Iowa
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I told wh the options about Vegas. When we talked he didn't hear the option of not going. He told me I was absolutely not going with him. Apparently he was afraid I would go crazy on her on the plane I don't know why he would think that

So i told him start looking for apartments. I posted about the Vegas issue and he read it and saw the option of not going. We talked it out. He didn't go! He is taking next week off to think about if he loves me or not and if he can stayed married to me when he feels he can't win any fights, fears I'll never get over the A, and etc. I'm really scared I feel he has been a little distant these last couple of days. I told him he needed not to be in our house while he thinks.

He did say if he stays he will quit his job because that's the only real way to insure NC. Which is another big fear... Not having work. I'm a Sahm and it's hard for him to find work somewhere else....he has been looking.


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honey

He is taking next week off to think about if he loves me or not and if he can stayed married to me when he feels he can't win any fights, fears I'll never get over the A, and etc.

Oh poor pet. He needs time to think!!!

So he's looking at his options. Sweetie he needs to grow a pair. What a wimp.

Maybe during that time you need to let him mind the kids while you go and check out your options.

Se an attorney and while you are at it buy a nice new outfit, get your hair and nails done, maybe a facial and professional makeup. Do something to make you feel good about yourself.

If he comments you may like to use my line. I did similar stuff and when he finally asked I told him "Well I have to get myself in shape for when I go back on the market. Unless you can keep it in your pants I'll have to start looking at MY options. I'm sure there's a nice FAITHFUL widower out there who'd love to have a FAITHFUL partner like me".

Don't let the bastard get you down.

Stay strong honey.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iowagirl32
♀ Member
Member # 33200
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This crap really sucks huh? I've struggled and struggled, feeling so unsure of myself and my M. Even though the PA ended, he was still talking to the OW on breaks, still chatting with her online after work, but now they are "just friends". Now she actually got a different job so they are no longer ho-workers! I should be happym, right? In a way I am, but yet - Im not. Because they are STILL talking online! Things like how it hurts to be apart, but that they both know its for the best. So he can keep working on his M. Ha! Im so sick of pretending like I don't know whats still going on. He's still lying, still hiding things from me. Now I wonder who he will get lined up to be his new gf. He seems to be content to accept that the "why" for his cheating was because of the problems in our M at the time this latest one started up. That might be part of it, but I sure as hell dont buy that it is the only reason. A's are always more about the WS than anything or anyone else. I know exactly who the OW is, but neither of them know that I know. (courtsey of a keylogger on our home computer) Im seriously considering writing her a f-off letter and informing my WH that I know all about it. I can't live this way. I might have been born at night, but it wasnt last night.


Life is like a diaper. Sometimes its warm and comforting, sometimes its cold and wet. And sometimes, its just full of shit.


-------------------------------

Me - BW 41
Him - WH 49
DD 13
DS 10
M - 16 years, together for 21 years
D day -w


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Iowa
beenthere2?
♀ Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with your plan. If I was you I would make it clear to your WH. You are being given one chance. Only one. Say it loud and clear. Choose me or choose OWs. I will not have a H who isn't 100% in the M. Choose me now or fuck off!!!!! Have any more contact with her that is not work related and we are done.
I agree with this. I used to feel physically sick and shake when I knew they were going to be working together (12 hours overnight and a lot of places to find alone time). After months of verifying that there was no issues that I could track (work talk I can't see) I came up with a plan for me and told it to him.

Basically it is my escape plan. I have my steps to leave him/kick him out if there is even the appearance of inappropriate contact with a female or non related work discussion with ho-worker.

I feel more free. I can't control what he does, but I can control my reaction and I have a plan.


I posted about the Vegas issue and he read it and saw the option of not going. We talked it out. He didn't go!
This is a great thing!

He is taking next week off to think about if he loves me or not and if he can stayed married to me when he feels he can't win any fights, fears I'll never get over the A, and etc.
This may be WH speak for, will she forgive me? Can I not be a douche-bag? Am I willing to put in the work?


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, October 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

it is my escape plan. I have my steps to leave him/kick him out if there is even the appearance of inappropriate contact with a female or non related work discussion with ho-worker.

I too have my escape plan. And you know what I am excited about it!!!

I have decided that if we D I will sell all our assets. We don't have a lot but if we sell them I will be free.

I plan to go and live in the south of France (I am a French teacher in Australia).

So my plan is to go and rent a little cottage in the south of France. Get work somewhere teaching English (I'm highly qualified!), go down to the village each day and have coffee and chat with the locals. Sit on the veranda and enjoy the sounds and the view.

I think it is so important to have a plan. At the moment I am happy to stay in the M. But if he cheats again I am outta here!!!

I have plan. I know I can be happy again.

I hope you all have a plan!!!

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iowagirl32
♀ Member
Member # 33200
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im not sure I have an whole Plan, but I do have a seperate checking and savings accounts set up. I put half our savings in my account. I made out list of things I'd need to do. Take his name off the credit cards, drop him off my cell phone plan, etc.

Its is comforting, even thought right now I want us to really really R and stay together.

His ho-worker got another job, so I thought I'd be all happy. But they are still chatting online, and he literally drives past her house everyday during his commute to and from work. Then on friday, the OW stopped by at his work to visit all her "old friends".

ARRGGHH! Will ever really be over?


Life is like a diaper. Sometimes its warm and comforting, sometimes its cold and wet. And sometimes, its just full of shit.


-------------------------------

Me - BW 41
Him - WH 49
DD 13
DS 10
M - 16 years, together for 21 years
D day -w


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Iowa
hating2009
♀ New Member
Member # 26995
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sooooo happy. It finally happened that they don't work together anymore. He had an opportunity to leave and he did and I cant even begin to express the level of relief this has finally let me experience. It has been a hellish almost 3 years and I am just thrilled that maybe finally I can begin to relax a little.


DDay 3/15/09. WH had EA with Coworker. 2 kids. Married 12 years. Working on R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: PA
spareparts
♂ Member
Member # 33434
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel everyone's pain here but enjoy the good news at times!

My WW works with OM, she is his boss! She says though he has applied for a transfer, but no date has been given. She also is applying for other jobs. It kills me that she has to work with him every day, she says they keep it all business. But she also says she hates the fact that it is all business and longs for more.

Its only been 3 weeks since we decided to try and work it out, but i can't see her getting over him whilst they work together and she won't acknowledge any bad points of him! Though she may be slowly realising he just used her as he has gone back to his partner and does not seem bothered about my WW in the slightest.

Doesnt help me but might force her to see what she has got! Still she has a job interview on thursday so knows she needs to leave!


Posts: 515 | Registered: Sep 2011
beenthere2?
♀ Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, November 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stupid holiday screwed up the schedule and he had to work with ho-worker last night. It has thrown me for a loop today. I have been doing great, but with major Dday anitversary in a couple of days and working with her last night, I am a mess.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
tuscandreamer
♀ Member
Member # 17406
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, November 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((beenthere2?))

I understand the setback you are having.

My WH sees the xMOW every day at work. She lives in our neighbourhood and her young child will probably end up going to my children's school.

Even worse, she could possibly end up teaching my oldest in a couple of years.

This has seriously impacted the road to reconciliation.


BS 46
WH 43
Dday #1 6/20/07, Dday #2 (different OW) 5/16/09
3 DDs (14, 9, 6)
Reconciling...

Posts: 482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
tuscandreamer
♀ Member
Member # 17406
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, November 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((beenthere2?))

I understand the setback you are having.

My WH sees the xMOW every day at work. She lives in our neighbourhood and her young child will probably end up going to my children's school.

Even worse, she could possibly end up teaching my oldest in a couple of years.

This has seriously impacted the road to reconciliation.


BS 46
WH 43
Dday #1 6/20/07, Dday #2 (different OW) 5/16/09
3 DDs (14, 9, 6)
Reconciling...

Posts: 482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
Thera77
♀ Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to check in and see how everyone is gearing up for or dealing with the impending work holiday parties.

FWH texted me this morning that they will be getting 'substantial' bonuses at the company Christmas party this year. Our choices are go to the party to get this unknown bonus - on a day that FWH is already taking vacation time to help with a project we run at church - or wait for them to mail whatever it is after the holiday. I'm fine going to the stupid party but not excited. Ho-worker is out for surgery. Is it wrong that I hope it hurts alot? So OW may not be there, but I'll still have to face all of the jerks who knew about and encouraged the A and who gossiped about it afterwards. Left it up to FWH to decide whether we went or not and he doesn't want to go. Turns out he no longer likes the people he works with. Yay!!

So I don't have to worry about getting all dolled up to deal with all of that stress after working 7 hours straight with our volunteers. But I will have to figure out what to make for dinner that night.


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
sandy78
♀ Member
Member # 34958
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, my WH has been having an A with a coworker. They started communicating outside of work just a few weeks after we found out we were finally pregnant (had been trying for 6 months). I really don't know how I'll handle them working together if we R. Just seems impossible.


Me: 34
WH: 35
DS: Born 11/2011
D-Day: 2/26/2012
Divorcing...

If someone wants to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them go. If someone doesn't want to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them stay.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Feb 2012
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, March 14th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sandy

Just sending hugs.

I find it very hard to deal with him working with his OWs.

I am doing this but it is very hard at times.

This thread can be a bit quiet at times.

Just letting you know you've been heard.

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:50 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
TodayisMine
♀ Member
Member # 29740
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sandy,

Don't put the pressure on yourself to "handle" it. Be true to your feelings and honest with them to your WS.

Your comfort level will ebb and flow over time on this subject and is more about your WS then the OP.

With time you start to realize that your WS was broken and the AP was really not a significant factor in the choice of self destruction, they were just a tool. They were simply there and broken enough themselves to go along. Nobody held a gun to anybody's head. Choices were made and that is what it is.

As far as them working together, your WS is committed to your marriage and fixing what is broken inside or he isn't. If he is, the AP in question is not a threat to your current relationship because he will do what is necessary to protect what he values. If he is not, then does it really matter who he is working with?

Don't give the ho-worker this power over you. You will be torturing yourself. Be clear what your deal-breakers are. Then it's up to him to honor them and you to uphold them - she is no longer a part of the equation.


Either we are trustworthy or we are not. As Tom Peters said, "There is no such thing as a minor lapse of integrity."

Posts: 66 | Registered: Sep 2010
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