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User Topic: When Your WS Works with the Affair Person - Part 2
Luvmustbtuf
♀ New Member
Member # 36661
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@brokensmile322 - Unfortunately, his phone and computer are password protected and he won't give me the passwords. Fortunately, I've figured out the pw to his cell phone account and he talks to her at every opportunity when I'm not around.

He is her boss. Before he changed his facebook pw I had caught that she posted pics of them in a city in another state. They had apparently taken a day trip together and he tried to make sure to be home in time so I wouldn't find out.

I think the pics of them together, phone records, etc may be enough for me to turn in to HR. I also have VAR but I'm not sure if that's something I should turn in to HR.

In any case, I could pay the bills (the necessary ones). I had already planned to be living on my own anyway. If he were to lose his job, I couldn't and wouldn't pay for his cell phone, his truck, his rental house. He would lose it all unless one of family members offered to help. I definitely want her fired and I don't care that she's a single mom with kids to care for. Her ex cheated on her so I just think she's looking to pick up a new hubby.

Sorry, but I have no sympathy for either one of them.


Me: BS 29
Him: WS 29
No Kids
DDay: 1/18/12 - my bday
Still in limbo. Ho-worker still lurks.

Together 6 years, married 2 almost 3
EA, turned PA??
"There are 7 billion people on this planet living happily without you. I can be one of those


Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012
Thera77
♀ Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, but I have no sympathy for either one of them.

Nor should you! And if ho-worker isn't worried about feeding her kids, neither should you be. Honestly when I reported FWH and COW, nothing happened to them. Actually the HR lady decided to gossip about it instead of DOING something about it. Great company.

In your case however, since your WH is the ho-worker's boss, I think he could get into some serious trouble. Provided that fraternization is explicitly against company policy. While I would probably share he phone records and pics on a day when they both obviously called out - fraudulently, I would probably keep the VAR close to the vest too.

It's so frustrating that you don't have access to all of WH's accounts and he still thinks he's getting away with something. Have you considered what your requirements for R might be? Have you consulted a lawyer to determine what your rights would be in the event of a D? (((Luvmustbtuf)))

[This message edited by Thera77 at 6:10 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Luv,

Sounds like he is still in the middle of the A. Have you confronted? Does he know you know or are you still in gathering stage? It might be time to get a PI if you can afford it. Especially if he is doing things with her and she is taking photos.

Does he know you know about that? I would keep my information close to the vest until I was done investigating. I know it is hard and something I did not know to do.

If he is not being transparent, he is hiding something. Does his phone get work email as well? Just a thought..


Me BS 42
Him WS 44
OW Coworker
DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl


Posts: 1299 | Registered: Jun 2012
Luvmustbtuf
♀ New Member
Member # 36661
Angry  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I did ask the pics I found on her facebook, but he just sat there and said nothing.

What I have found out he doesn't know about and I'm not ready to confront yet. I'm still in the gathering information stage, but I'm wondering if it's just pointless now since I know what's going on and he's not being transparent. Yes, work emails go to his phone.

The only part that I blame on myself is that I've rug swept this way too much and for way too long.


Me: BS 29
Him: WS 29
No Kids
DDay: 1/18/12 - my bday
Still in limbo. Ho-worker still lurks.

Together 6 years, married 2 almost 3
EA, turned PA??
"There are 7 billion people on this planet living happily without you. I can be one of those


Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, December 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Luvmustbtuf

I would probably keep the VAR close to the vest too.

Me too. Not sure how legal it is and it is also an important source for you. If he magically gets his head out... and decides to R (and you agree of course) it will give you security.

FWH STILL doesn't know about my VAR. Sadly he found the GPS in his car. Oops! But I bought him a nice new iphone for Christmas last year. He is very technologically illiterate so I helped him set it up

The only part that I blame on myself is that I've rug swept this way too much and for way too long.

NEVER blame yourself for any crap associated with HIS infidelity. You did your best in a shitty sich.

Stay strong.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
brokensoul75
♀ New Member
Member # 41473
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had an affair with his supervisor. She is married with a toddler. He can't transfer, finding a new job is out of the question.

I REALLY want to out her anonymously to HR, and keep his name out of it, if I can. But if it comes back to him, he could also lose his job, and that would screw me and the children. I am really angry at this situation and I do blame HER for taking advantage of him and her position in the company. I'm pretty sure it was illegal, and if it came out, there could be a lawsuit because of an unrelated incident in which someone got fired and H only got a written warning.

I just don't know what to do. I can't STAND that they still work together. It drives me INSANE.


Me BS-38
Him WH-37
Married 15 yrs, together 20
3 children, 14, 12, 9

OW- his supervisor
She's married with a young child
A- Jul. 2013
D-Day: Aug. 4, 2013

Trying for R...


Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: New England
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokensoul75, My WW also can't change her job in short term. It is also driving me crazy. They don't work together, but I know for sure that the OM is trying to contact her. I do not know what to do also, but reading this forum is not giving me too much hope. I fear that if she don't change her job, either me will go nuts or she'll fall for him again...


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 141 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW works with the OM. She doesn't have direct contact with him everyday and does a good job telling me about it when they do. They are on 2 different ends of the corporate ladder, he is towards the bottoms as an hourly, and she is in management.

Don't get me wrong... I HATE every piece of it. It bothers me daily and until either he leaves or my WW gets a new job, I don't think true R is possible for me.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 276 | Registered: Dec 2013
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spondée, I under stand whatever you mean. Since the last time I wrote, she showed me all the failed attempts he made to contact her. She is also updating me when he is nearby. But we are home for the next 2 weeks, and I ma clearly better knowing that he is not around.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 141 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW works for my husband. They have very little contact since I found out about their EA. She pretty much answers to me now. It hasn't been easy the past 8 months. As of last Sunday, she is gone...well, kind of. She's going on maternity leave for 3 months! Yay! I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders!!! I can't explain the difference in me! I have laughed more the past few days than I have in months. I hope the next 3 months will give me the time I need to heal without having to see her, talk to her, hear her name. I don't worry about anything going on between them anymore but I still struggle with jealousy and anger.

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jul 2013
Luvmustbtuf
♀ New Member
Member # 36661
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@spond....I agree. True R will never be possible as long as they work together.

But even if they no longer work together, who is to say that one day another coworker will come along to "fall in love" with?


Me: BS 29
Him: WS 29
No Kids
DDay: 1/18/12 - my bday
Still in limbo. Ho-worker still lurks.

Together 6 years, married 2 almost 3
EA, turned PA??
"There are 7 billion people on this planet living happily without you. I can be one of those


Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2012
myeverafter
Member
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWH still works with MOW. Right now, they normally don't work the same daytime shifts. (MOW does the schedule. I never asked for it, but I think her BS is.)

fWH has a chance to work nights - 1 week on/1 week off and the hours would be from 8 pm to 7 am for 5 days and then 9 pm to 7 am for the weekend.

I think "everything" is ended (can I ever really know), but that would give him a week off when I am at work M-F 8 am to 5 pm. (Most encounters where when they both had days off during the week. (Nice that she made the schedule...))

I just don't know much more that would mess my my life. I would be getting the kids on the bus ever y morning and getting them to bed every night on the weeks that he works. I don't know how much that will screw up his body/mind.

I just don't know of the pro out weigh the cons. I guess I need to put them all out on paper.

Pros
1. he would have more limited contact with OW.
2. he would be able to be around more in the afternoons.
3. may be a little more $$$.
4. Sort of guaranteed every other weekend off. that varies now. Sometime work every weekend, sometimes every other or every 3rd.

Cons.
1. Not sure what that would do to his body switching things around.
2. It would be harder for me on the weeks he works to get kids ready for school/bedtimes.
3. Maybe more weekends to work.
4. Harder for me to keep the kids quiet on the weekends so he can sleep.
5. If he goes on nights, I don't know if they would ever transition him back to a day shift.


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2013
MissMovingOn
♀ Member
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH's latest OW is a coworker. She's fourteen years younger than me. They carried on an EA for months, then he left me and they were "dating" for a month.

He came back mid-November and told me he was stupid and wrong and he wanted me back. Two weeks later he told me he wanted out but I asked him to stay until after Christmas for the kids.

Twelve days before Christmas he told me he was crazy and he didn't want to get a divorce. Christmas day he asked me to marry him again (we never got divorced so a vow renewal I guess) in front of both of our families.

Six days ago he told me that he misses the OW (they still work together fifty(ish) hours a week and he is her direct supervisor in a very small department) and he doesn't know if he can ever be happy with me again. :( He says he doesn't want to leave me though.

I know I deserve better than this but I can't seem to take any of the steps to make it better. I very stupidly bought a truck with him right before Christmas which has stretched our finances to the point where neither of us can leave without losing everything including our home.

This quote feels like it describes me right now: "Everything happens for a reason but sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions"

There's way more to the story but I just needed to get that out for now.


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
Left me for 20 yr old COW. Moving on!

Posts: 353 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
alifeforesaken
♀ Member
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH OW is his Exec. Asst. I am so struggling to deal with this. He has given a no contact for as much as is possible (Ie. no non-professional contact). He does need to speak with her, but she works in the office with others and he migrates to various locations, so that does help. He has offered to after not offering originally to look for other jobs. I have not pushed it yet because we have a lot going on, with a new baby and I just got a new job, so we will pursue it. I do have access to his work phone and his work email, but it's so hard.

I also, like a PP mentioned, opportunity is everywhere, he needs to work on boundaries, and that is what I am trying to focus on while the situation is less than optimal.


BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to add.. I "outed" the AP to his SO. I can say... it's much easier for them to work at the same company. My fWW now goes out of her way to avoid him as well, or if she has to talk about work, she does it with other people around.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 276 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 195
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