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User Topic: When Your WS Works with the Affair Person - Part 2
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH I mean that. Do you feel that he is trying to R.

Yout last comment was you were just venting.

If you feel he is trying to R, then you have a chance. If you don't, then you don't.

Ask him what he wants, and go from there.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that they did kiss again Friday after she tried to fight him off a couple of times

My W never told me of something like that happening. If she did, then the op would be hurt, and I would be in trouble.

But you have to protect what is yours.

My kids belong to us, so therefore I would have to protect her.

Heaven Help The Fool


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
reset button
♂ Member
Member # 27659
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't think this doesn't go through my mind. I'm a big strong guy, and honestly would have no problem doing a number on him.

But, I also have to realize, that would only land me in jail, push my WW away, and punish her for her honesty.

That's what is so incredibly hard. It's so messed up what the BS has to deal with if they want to recover. I'm supposed to reward her for her honesty in that situation, yet she still did it

The said state of the matter is he's basically willing to leave his family. He's in love. I think my WW is too, but also has some conscious realization of the fantasyland the relationship resides in. I don't see him stopping his pursuit of her.

[This message edited by reset button at 9:48 PM, February 25th (Thursday)]


Me: BH (30)
Her: WW (29)
AP: Her 42 yr old boss
9 Mos. EA/PA
Married: 3 yrs
Together: 7 yrs

DDay 1: 11/21/09 (ILYBINILWY)
DDay 2: 2/18/10 - Full disclosure of EA/PA

Divorced (my choice) 10/8/10


Posts: 60 | Registered: Feb 2010
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't think this doesn't go through my mind. I'm a big strong guy

Being big and strong has nothing to do with it. You know, He knows. He loses.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
WHavoids
♀ Member
Member # 26847
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dirk pitt, my FWS was trying to R. He signed us up and drove us an hour (at my suggestion) to a Chapman/"Marriage You've Always Wanted" conference the weekend before last, and consistently comforted me while I cried. This all only lasted about a week and a half, though...

He felt like I was "pushing" him last week by asking why he wouldn't consider seeking a new job. This was after I learned he had been lusting after the OW in the weeks before his latest epiphany. I looked at his phone and saw multiple text messages to a friend of his where he referred to her as "ideal," and compared their relationship to the Johnny Cash/June Carter Cash relationship - he said that they couldn't be together now, but would in the future when it was safe.

So I lay out my boundaries that night:

1. Look for another job.
2. Complete transparency, including all passwords.
3. Attend MC again.

He got upset, asked for a "time out," and then I didn't hear from him for 5 days. When I did hear from him he said he couldn't give me those things right now. I replied that unfortunately, I knew that would be the case, that I never before wanted to admit the marriage wouldn't survive. He e-mailed me his password later that day but said he would change it the next morning, so it was just "temporary" access. I said that temporary access did nothing to rebuild trust, that I needed continued validation. Then, he sent me this e-mail:

Trust is a two way street. I gave you access to my email before and you crapped all over it. You have also tried to access it without my permission. That is why you only get it for a little while. You can ask for it whenever you want, but Im not going to give you continual access to it until I trust you.

Just as you shouldnt expect me to do anything and everything until I can trust that we are going to be ok and that I wont feel like I get thrown under the bus every 5 minutes. I know you are hurt and that I have made mistakes, but I have been biting my tongue with you. You arent perfect either. The last 4-5 years have been a real struggle for me and I dont get any acknowledgement of that from you. All I hear is about the last 6 months and what a monster I am. We both had a hand in where things are at this moment, so dont act like this is all my fault. I couldnt even talk to you the last few years and if I did, I would get my head torn off. I should have raised my hand and said we have a problem here, but I kept thinking that I could ride it out, that I was being a good husband by trying to cope as best I could. Who thinks that their partner will be depressed for years on end. I thought an end would come at some point and that we would get back to normal. I see the error in my ways, but I get no validation of those times, the sacrifices I made for you: emotionally and financially. Propping you up when you would have bad days, telling you everything would be alright when it was dark days and then doing everything in my power to make it that way. Its like I did nothing right. It isnt fair, this revisionist history that you are writing. You want things on your terms and when I say I want my own terms acknowledged, I dont get a voice. Because I was wrong, I dont ever get a voice in what I want. I get so rattled by you when we talk and you get emotional, it tears me up and I cant even get words out to tell you what I feel bc of how upset and frustrated I am.

You couldnt give our marriage crap when you were depressed and I hung in there with you. You wanted to give more, but couldnt. Well thats where I am, Im not as depressed, but I can only give what I can give right now. So go ahead and quit, but I think its unfair to our entire history and narrowly only focusing on the recent history.

So am I trying too hard now? I believe I've never been truly comfortable again b/c I wasn't getting these things. If he had just said "I understand you're uncomfortable with my work situation, so I'll begin sending out resumes," I would've been happy with that response. But instead, I feel like his job is more important than our marriage...


me BS 29
him FWH 32
together 10 years
married 4 years
d day 09/10/09
DIVORCED

Posts: 139 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: NC
fourtimesthefool
♀ Member
Member # 27625
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHavoids,

I understand what you mean. My WH works with the OW. Last night he told me that he was going to ask to be transfered so that he didn't have to see her and have contact with her because he was tired of me being upset that they had to talk. Of course he knew that I would tell him that that is not what I want because he loves his job for the 1st time in 10 yrs. I love his schedule for the 1st time in 10 yrs.

I do not battle depression however he said that he knows that i have not been happy in our marriage in a long time. Which is true but I have tried to fix it and work it out not go and cheat on him.

I may be to blame for the problems in our marriage but he is to blame for the affair. I didn't make him turn to another woman instead of his wife.

I wish you the best of luck and pray that we find our way out of the hellious mess.

Fourtimesthefool


Fourtimesthefool
BS - me
WH - him
DDay - Feb 8, 2010
Child - 9

Posts: 74 | Registered: Feb 2010
sick_of_the_lies
♀ Member
Member # 26961
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHavoids,

I am so sorry he responded that way, it was not appropriate. It sounds like the crap my WH spouted for months, generally when he was back (still?) in contact.

He does not sound like he wants to reconcile, and I would strongly advise you not to settle for access to his email after being asked--it just gives him time to delete anything he wants before you get on. But the real question is, if this is his response, and what he is willing to do, will it be enough for you? If not, he needs to know that it won't cut it.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((WH))
Hi, the fact that they work together, just makes it harder. Sometimes I don't feel I'm up to it. I feel that it is too much for me to handle. I wonder why I am even trying.

The reason being, is I still love my Wife.

I should have raised my hand and said we have a problem here, but I kept thinking that I could ride it out, that I was being a good husband by trying to cope as best I could. Who thinks that their partner will be depressed for years on end. I thought an end would come at some point and that we would get back to normal. I see the error in my ways,

Funny your H should say that, I could say the exact same thing, but I didn't follow that path.

Not saying I am better than anyone, just older, and I have made huge mistakes in the past.

If you think you can, you will. But there would be no shame in telling him to take the door.

Good luck


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
abettermarriage
♀ New Member
Member # 27442
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do think its important that the WS at least agrees that it would be a good idea to change jobs, even though it may not be possible. If they are adamant about NOT, at least, looking for a new job/transfer/location, then I would have an issue.

I have good news. My FWH found out yesterday that OW is moving her office 20 miles away! I posted on Reconciliation about my ambivalent feelings. I will still remain on this board, because, technically, they still work for the same company. They just won't see each other, hopefully, ever again.

But, I hope this move helps & heals us in our R. My FWH seems to think it will.


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
abettermarriage
♀ New Member
Member # 27442
Content  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, interesting turn of events. As I posted last week, my FWH called me last week to let me know the good news about OW leaving his building. We talked about it that night and he and I were surprised I wasn’t happier. Felt a little better in the morning, but not how I thought I should feel.

We decided to leave early (we drive to work together, he works a mile from my office) last Friday afternoon and run some errands together before picking up the kids. He called me on his way to get me and said, “You won’t believe what just happened”. My heart sunk, and then he began to tell me.

Since OW work in the same office, sometimes, their jobs cross paths and they need to communicate. He admits during the EA last year, they made it so they worked closer together more than they had to. Since D-day 2, it all but ceased. Occasionally, she would shoot him and e-mail asking him strictly business questions and he would respond and that would be that. If he had a question for her division, he would ask someone else. So, Friday afternoon, he gets an e-mail asking him to come in to discuss another employee who works for FWH. He “says” he thought about calling me first, but he felt he could keep it together and do the professional thing and have this meeting. I was not hurt (surprisingly) that he didn’t call me. He went into her office and sat down. She proceeded to reprimand the employee in question and his groups work policies. He, in turn, defended the employee and his work. She raised her voice and said, in a condescending manner, “I guess I am wrong and you are right”. Kept raising her eyebrows, and shrugging. He said he was just PISSED. He tried to keep it civil and try to see it her way, but at times, she was flat out wrong and he didn’t want to budge. It kept getting heated. Nothing personal came up, but, deep down, we know this whole interaction was personal. He ended up storming out, saying “F-this”, only to remember that he was holding a tennis ball he picked up from the chair that was in her office! He says he wanted to throw it in her office, but he gently laid it down and walked out again. Meanwhile, OW was still talking loudly about herself to him as he walked away, “it must be ME… I must be wrong….your office does everything perfect….” Totally being a B*tch….

Fortunately, he was ending his day at that moment. He packed up and walked out. We drove around and he told me how mad he was at her. How happy he was that she was leaving in a few weeks. That he can be done with her and, hopefully, never see her again. Now THIS made me happy! I told him I was sorry he had to go through that, but this was a happy day. We talked soooo much that afternoon. That he can’t imagine what it would be like if he had left me for her, and then she showed her true colors, like she did that day. I truly think last Friday my FWH finally came fully out of any lingering FOG. Halleluiah!
We are approaching the 1 year anti-versary of when this all began, and ended. I am feeling better than I have in YEARS about my marriage. I know one year from D-Day is still soon, but if it gets better from here, then bring it on!

I hope you all have finality, of sorts, with your WS working with the AP. I know a FWS can work with an AP and maintain NC, but it sure is easier when they don’t…..

[This message edited by abettermarriage at 1:16 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)]


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
MrVanguard
♂ Member
Member # 27692
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, March 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I will join this group. WW's EA was with a co-worker who lives 3 time zones away. They had met in person at an orientation session when he first started a year ago. She has to contact him for work-related stuff a few times a month. They started flirting through work email and on the phone, and eventually took it to personal email accounts and texting.

Based on the secret emails I found, it really started going to the next level about 3 months ago. For the entire month before I caught her, it was about as deep as EA can get (I found 75+ emails and chats between them, so there is not much she can hide about it).

They never actually talked about being together in a relationship. They were cake-eaters...they both said they were very happy in their marriages, but loved the excitement of this other person on the side. Ugh.

We've been married 3 yrs and never had any issues at all. Others considered us a perfect couple. That's what makes this so shocking to me.

We're in MC and IC right now. I want to R but at this point, have little trust or happiness.

WW has offered to quit her job, but she is a rising star at the company and is due for a promotion. I don't want her to leave this job. I guess I do take comfort in knowing they are long distance. Not sure I could handle this if they both worked in the same location.


me- 34
W- 29
Married 4 years.

She was a WS (EA with co-worker) Feb 2010.
I was a WS (EA with ex-GF) Oct 2010.

R going very well.


Posts: 94 | Registered: Feb 2010
Come2Grips
♀ Member
Member # 28002
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out about my H's A with a coworker 3 days ago. Found out a lot more info about it tonight. It has been a rough evening. Yesterday things were looking promising, he was saying all the right stuff and talking about getting a new job. Tonight he called me from work to plan how he could change shifts so he wouldn't have to work with her. I found a bunch of emails and one of the jobs he talked about was something she had mentioned to him. Now I feel like he could have been planning to change shifts to be with her more and all kinds of other crap. He works in another town 45 mins away so I can't check in on him and really have no way of knowing.

I just don't even know what to think. I am all over the place tonight.

Anyway, I'm so glad this forum is here. Sucks to find it like this and to realize just how much this happens. So disheartening.


Doubt whom you will, but never yourself.
dday 1 - Mar 18, 2010
dday 2 - Nov 1, 2010
dday 3 - Nov 4, 2010
S - Nov 1

Posts: 439 | Registered: Mar 2010
SummerBlues
♀ Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not think I can face this situation without losing my mind.

WH due to start working with OW in the future.

He still cares for her and will never see her in a negative light.


"Inactive infidelity: It’s where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
KarenL
♀ New Member
Member # 28005
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need some feedback guys! I found out about the A a week ago. They work together and their are only 5 employees. She was seperated from her husband and he felt she was w/MY husband. (Back then they weren't)Her H held her hostage then ultimatley let her go and shot himself. My husband is a war vet and has PTSD. They bonded over their mutual PTSD and then had an emotional affair for 2 years and supposedly sex only once several months ago. They ended it the day after I found out and supposedly, they are keeping distance except for work issues. With only 5 people there, this won't stay that way. H says he wants to work on things and we went to a counselor already. He does not beg forgiveness and gets annoyed when I ask questions. I am so emptionally shattered, I am terrified he will still leave. I am also seeking counseling just for me. I am lost and can barely function! HELP!!!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: New York
SummerBlues
♀ Member
Member # 25626
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KarenL,

You may want to post in the Just Found Out forum. Lots of good folks here and there as well. The JFO gets alot of traffic.

This is not your fault. It is about your WH's vunerabilities and his weaknesses.

First of all, you need to arm yourself with information. All cheaters lies and do and say the same things. We have the basic needs and emotions. THis enables us to learn from those that have gone before us.

Read the healing library. Read and study SerJR's Tatical Primer. It is in the just found out forum. THis will enpower you with information.

IMHO, your WH has probably had sex multiple times with the OW. They tend to all tell us TT, trickle truth. It may take months for the entire story to come out, if ever.

You can only control you. Read and study. This will allow you to act and not react to his drama.

He cannot work with her. He must go NC and maintain this for three to six months to come off of the drug of the affair. AFfairs are addictive. The APs become addicted to the endorphins, natural speed, that their bodies produce when they are around each other, see text messages, calls, etc. Even the handwriting of the AP may trigger the high. They will crave the high until they go NC and get off of the drug of the affiar (sorry to be repetative).

He will have to have a crying on his knees and begging for forgiveness moment before he is in reconciliation. He will need to do the work of seeing that he cannot work with her and taht he must meet your needs and boundaries for recovery and reconcilation to happen.

Be strong and confidant. You will be okay with or without him. Reconciliation can happen. It is a long and tough road. Good luck.


"Inactive infidelity: It’s where he might be committed to not seeing OW but he has not committed to not being in the affair." Bigger

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Brigadoon
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY FWS worked with his OW#1 that was PA. I soo understand the torture of watching your spouse go off to work. It feels like you are being gutted... I remember. I think any BS dealing with this needs to be in counseling it is way to stressful without someone there on your side. Good luck...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
tammyjean100
♀ Member
Member # 28159
Sad  Posted: 10:23 PM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new at this, sorry to say. I don't think there is going to be a choice as to whether these two work together. While not in same unit, in same agency, and do see each other on work basis. Known each other for years. WH is 3 years from retirement; has tried to move to other depts without success. Agency head isn't going to do it. OW is the one who would have to. Don't know if that can happen. Who the heck would ask her?? Don't feel it would make a bit of difference to ask to see email, etc. Anyone can delete, set up new email. Even H, who isn't very computer literate. Yikes! Seems many folks here have been through this more than once. Can NC really work if the two offending characters must have some sort of business relationship? No easy answer.


You can't overcome anything without facing it. Betty Ford

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Capital District, New York
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, April 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was our situation too. I could not deal. At all. At all. I insisted she be fired. She was. It did not fix alot. I just know it would have ended the crippled relationship immediately. She had a strong attitude that she could do anything she wanted, ever. And cocky about it all, and no remorse. She is walking evil.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 858 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
tammyjean100
♀ Member
Member # 28159
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, seems more hopeless than not. Found out OW's cube is very nearby. She can't be fired - state agency. Don't think it would make any difference. H will do what he wants to do. When NC isn't fully possible, it seems that just does not bode well for reconciliation and H taking full responsibility. This is so freakin' hard.


You can't overcome anything without facing it. Betty Ford

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Capital District, New York
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