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User Topic: When Your WS Works with the Affair Person - Part 2
riverflow
♀ Member
Member # 28151
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have name and phone number, but I'm not positive it's someone he works with, though how else they would have met 1000+ miles away other than through work contact I can't begin to imagine.

I didn't find out about her until after he left and I filed for Divorce, so this all may be moot at this point for me... but if there were any way of exposing them at work I'd do it in a heartbeat, even if it cost my STBX his job.

Not that I'd do anything foolish.. but I can vent and dream...


Divorced 1/20/11


Posts: 548 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Connecticut
tennispro4
♀ Member
Member # 27842
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone outed your WS and co-worker OP to their work? If so, how did you go about it?


I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I'll fake it

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Mar 2010
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 3:24 AM, April 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

quick update ...

well I watched the show with stbx in it ... and it was good ... natgeo did a great job on the show ... even tho they kinda just showed one side of the prison system perspective ...
and stbx was all over the show ... however only 1-2 scenes were with his face ... the rest were him dressed out in riot gear going in to get an unruly inmate ...

doesn't matter I knew who he was ...

and I did not trigger like I thought I would ... and I have it saved on my DVR ... and have only watched it once ... the night it aired ... thought I would be watching it everyday ... but I don't ...

so that is it ... things are still moving along ... the meadiation is set for May 13th ... I will appear by phone/fax ... last time I talked to stbx he asked if I would be coming to CO for the meadiation ??? and where I would be staying if I was ???

WTF ??? no I told him I will be by phone ...

no other news school is good and I am almost done with the first trimester ... 2nd one starts May 3rd ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, April 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a query regarding business trips.

My WP had a relatively brief A with her boss which which started on a business trip out of town. WP no longer works with OM.

My WP tells me she has her first business trip since DDay in a few weeks where she will be out of State and have to stay for the weekend. WP says if I am not comfortable with her going, she can cancel.

With OM no longer working with her and being fairly confident she is maintaining NC, I am semi-confident (as confident as one can be) that WP is not planning to meet with OM and that this is nothing other than a business trip. But WP travels out of state semi-regularly for work and on most occasions due to my own work commitments I cannot join her.

So I am now being asked to either trust WP again (which is relatively soon after DDay) or say I'm not comfortable and force her to cancel. I realise there are going to be business trips in the future and they cannot be avoided forever, but I also don't know if I am overreacting for thinking about setting boundaries for WP during her business trips, or asking that she do certain things while she is away to alleviate any concerns I may have that she is up to no good. I would be very appreciated to hear from anyone else who have been in a similar situation and if so, what boundaries or things did you ask of your WP/WS to allay your concerns (if any). Thanks in advance.


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
abettermarriage
♀ New Member
Member # 27442
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, April 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lotsa,

Personally, I would not have been comfortable with WS going on a trip so soon after DDay. If WP is willing to cancel, then I would take her up on that, for sure.

As far as future trips, can you accompany WP on them until you are feeling more safe? If she can avoid trips for a near future, I think that would make you feel the safest...

((Lotsa))


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
abettermarriage
♀ New Member
Member # 27442
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, today my FWH was notified that the OW will be leaving the building in 2 weeks! I can’t tell you how relieving this will be…out of sight, out of mind.
It has been a year, and R has been better than expected, however, the biggest issue is that they work in the same building. They RARELY have to communicate professionally, but this move will be, I hope, the final nail in the coffin. Even FWH admits, on the rare occasion he sees her in the office, memories occasionally come back..and he DOESN’T want to be reminded anymore.
So, let’s hope this pushes us and our M further into a better place when June 1st comes around.

To all those in similar situations, you can do it if they work together, but the alternative is so much better and something to seriously discuss.

Good luck to all!


BS, Me: Late 30’s
FWH: 40’s
Married 12 years, together 20
2 Kids
DDay 1: May 11th 2009
DDay 2: June 21st 2009 (NC broken)
Working it out…we are pretty happy

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2010
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
AngelBetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 28579
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 22nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH works with the MOW on different floors but for a small company. They have limited contact at work and he sent her a no contact letter shortly after he confessed the affair to me 3 months ago. MOW had told her husband and FWS took this as an opportunity to get away from her (her insecurity and possessiveness was getting old). She still tries to "fish" weekly and he says that I read too much into it? WTF? anyways, he doesnt respond to emails, phone calls etc and gives one word answers when she corners him in person. and she KNOWS that he tells me about the emails, calls and person to person contact. I think his transparency, desire for no contact and the fact that he was not in the fog right from the start helped


BW: Me 45
BH: Him 38
together 10 years, married 8
1 DD: 12
Confessed: February 26, 2010
PA 1.5 years with coworker MOW

Posts: 106 | Registered: May 2010
forever.haunted
♀ Member
Member # 28645
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS ended up quiting the best job he's ever had to save our marriage. He made the dumb decision to have an A with a trashy coworker, someone he didn't want to be with in real life...just wanted her attention.

They worked together for 3 years, were BEST friends that whole time, and messed around at work for 2 years. They went to a motel at xmas after stopping by the mall to buy our families xmas gift cards.

He never thought I would find out because neither of them were looking to leave their marriages...just wanting some fun and excitement.

He lead her to believe he loved her and wanted to leave me...she began to believe it obviously. Because Dday happened because I found her text messages on his phone.

They spent two days trying to convince me they were only best friends..that he really loves me and wants our marriage to work.

After I told her some of the ugly crap he has said about her to me, she got mad...and told me everything. She completely slit his throat.

I told their coworkers, our families, friends, etc

When the A was revealed, he hit a low bottom and said that it woke him up to the stupid crap he was doing, that he never wanted to be with her, just wanted to use her.

In the end, her attention cost him WAY more than he ever imagined he would have to pay. She still works there and hasn't really suffered any consequences.

He had to change jobs, has lost over $10 per hr, has to work much harder for less pay. He lost the respect of all his coworkers, management, family, friends,etc Some of his family have turned their backs on him, which is very painful for him.

He is a broken down man now. All of this has aged him at least 10 years. He now sees what he did was very selfish, stupid, and self-destructive.

And is now trying to hold our fatally wounded marriage together, and worries everyday that I will leave.

He works at a different hospital now...working with mostly women. But I'm not really worried because everybody there knows why he quit his last job..because he's a cheater. Hopefully he has learned his lesson. I think he will think twice before trying to manipulate some piece of trash..just for her sexual attention.

It has cost him and us so much. And has left unspeakable pain in our lives.

Affairs at work may be very fun and exciting, but they do come to an end...eventually. And the end is usually very ugly.

As the old saying goes:

Don't get laid where you get paid.


You let it go when you are ready.. when you have processed it enough.. you let it go when you are sick of trying to figure it out. You let it go when you want your life back

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2010
Thera77
♀ Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, June 19th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone outed your WS and co-worker OP to their work? If so, how did you go about it?

I did but honestly not on purpose. I just wasn't thinking clearly. WH and OW are former partners in EMS. They still work together - although at different stations and haven't seen much of each other since WH requested NC - I think the FIFTH time OW finally stopped.

Anyway, part of Dday involved me kicking his sorry butt out. WH ran right to OW, they got a hotel room together - and OWH and I spent most of the night on the phone w/ each other. He was suicidal and I had to talk him down. The next day their HR Mgr called for WH on the home phone because he had changed his cell # the night before. I had it because I had been looking @ phone records for the last few weeks. Told HR Mgr to call OW if WH didn't answer because they were in a hotel together.

HR Mgr gasped and said - but OW just got married (yeah I know) - was I sure? Yeah, pretty sure. She sympathised a BS herself after a 13 year marriage. A few weeks later, WH's current partner told him that people at work were talking about A. WH asked him to discreetly find out who was talking (he figured OW). Nope, HR mgr had told her daughter, who also works w/ them, who told her partner, who told her boyfriend (WH's boss) who told his partner, who told WH's partner. Turns out HR Mgr isn't very fond of WH to begin with and I'm not at all sorry about it. Even WH admitted he couldn't get mad about the truth. And they all still have their jobs. *shrug*

ETA: they also work with OW's father - who is a supervisor AND one of the last contacts from OW was that her H might be applying for a job there too. H is angry that eventually I want him to find another job - especially since I lost mine last year and we've since decided I'll stay home for now (wasn't getting any interviews anyway). This is the best salary he's ever earned. But a few months ago OW's current partner mentioned to WH that she's getting burned out, so just crossing my fingers that maybe OW quits instead?

[This message edited by Thera77 at 10:17 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
Katieisfree
♀ Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW has left the building.

After 18 mths of R I have a small hope that we can get through this.

FWH told me and I went to lay down and think what it will mean for my healing. I hope it will move it along without question


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
Katieisfree
♀ Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dup

[This message edited by Katieisfree at 10:25 PM, June 25th (Friday)]


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
Katieisfree
♀ Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dup

[This message edited by Katieisfree at 10:24 PM, June 25th (Friday)]


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
Thera77
♀ Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, June 26th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW has left the building.

Katie, that is so awesome. Happy for you. Must be such a huge weight off of your shoulders.


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
let it be me
♀ Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ARGH! Knowing WH is in the same building and has opportunity to see OW everyday is killing me.... WH states NC, has said steps were taken to ensure paths would not cross during the day.. No longer see OW's number on phone bills or email accounts.... WH is in IC (as am I) ... WH is patient, apologetic, constantly telling me "thank you for giving me another chance", holds me when I cry, etc, etc... I still feel like it is just another game we are playing... like the one we have been playing for the last 6 years that I have known in my heart WH was having A with this OW.... ARGH!!! WHEN is OW'S transfer GOING TO HAPPEN????!?!?!?!?!?

Sorry, y'all.....just needed to VENT!


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
Lily25
♀ Member
Member # 28947
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 5th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHEN is OW'S transfer GOING TO HAPPEN????!?!?!?!?!?

This is what is going through my head everyday. I feel your pain.


Me BS
Him FWH
DS & DD
D-Day 06/10
PA with coworker


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2010
let it be me
♀ Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 10th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the brilliant MarriedOW texted WH that she wanted WH to call her from his office phone (guessing, obviously, that OW didnt want me seeing the call on his cell bill).... IN THIS SITUATION WH did the right thing and texted no and what do you need. OW texted back some inane, not necessary question to WH and WH responded to the business question in a text... OW did not continue the text after WH's answer...

SO, WH came home (visibly upset)and said he had something to show me something. WH showed me the texts (all of them, WH did not delete any). I told WH that I appreciate him honoring our marriage by being transparent and asserting NC with OW by only responding to the business related text... I told WH that I expect him to contact his IC and come up with a NC Letter that would re-affirm and re-state NC boundaries... WH did accomplish that and dropped the NC letter in OW's truck (windows cracked cuz it is HOT here in Texas) this morning...

SO, YAY, WH handled it the right way and BOOOOOOO, cuz that OW seems to be phishing.... OW NEEDS TO TRANSFER OR WH NEEDS A NEW JOB ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I keep falling backwards, well tumbling backwards every day... I feel like I'm moving forward and then every Monday am I get to relive the fears for a week and try to decompress on the weekend... I hate fear. Just sayin'


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
let it be me
♀ Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 23rd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mondays suck....

The fact that WH is there with MOW EVERYDAY is just about enough to make me want to get up and walk out.

just about enough....

HOW do we move forward? Cross that out...

HOW do IIIIIII move forward?

*sighs*


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi libm you move ahead with his help. and it seems as though he is helping you.

Good luck.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

Lots of people post here about how difficult it is with WS and OP working together. I'd be interested to know if there is anyone in this situation whose R is going REALLY WELL and who thinks it's not an issue.

I'm finding it harder as time goes by - not easier as I hoped


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 195
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