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User Topic: When Your WS Works with the Affair Person - Part 2
tryinginmi
♀ Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, December 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell no. I'm not giving up anything. I go to the work functions, and will not be missing anything because the OW is there.

I don't need to put on an act for her. My marriage is doing very well and my FWH is devoted to me.

She can stuff it!


Me - BW 38
Him - FWH 38
Her - MOW 46 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 954 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
beenthere2?
♀ Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, December 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell no. I'm not giving up anything. I go to the work functions, and will not be missing anything because the OW is there.
Now that I have told her BH, I feel I can do this too. She no longer has anything that I don't know.

Before WH latest TT I knew he was hiding something from me and I knew that she knew it. It was like she was smarter than me or had something over me.

Now she has nothing I don't. In fact, I still have my H. Her's kicker her cheating ass out.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
tryinginmi
♀ Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the thing that helps in my situation is the shame that my husband feels.

He is ashamed of what he has done, and that so many people (his mother included) know exactly what they were up to.

I just cannot imagine him walking the gauntlet again knowing that everyone knows, knowing how many times she has been passed around, and that everyone knows exactly what type of woman he has at home.

Yes he's been a fool before, but he is starting to face some of the horrible things that happened in his childhood even though the rest of his family is so far in denial that they call him delusional and crazy.

He is once again a man that I can be proud to call my husband.


Me - BW 38
Him - FWH 38
Her - MOW 46 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 954 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
NewBeginning
♀ New Member
Member # 30443
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just attended WS' work party and 'she' was there. We both ignored her and it actually worked great.

But, potentially backfired because now she is fishing -- saying "I really want to thank your wife for how great it went, yada yada.' Then that chat turns into the 'Well how are you?" thing.

NC had been going great, but I'm afraid she somehow is more comfortable now that I won't boil her rabbit (ha) and she'll try and get back in teh friend zone with WS.


Me (BS) 35 yrs
Husband WS 39 yrs
Married 6 years
Together 10 years
1 son, 5
Dday Oct 18, 2010
He had PA w/ coworker, duration 2 mos
In reconciliation

Posts: 19 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: U.S.
Thera77
♀ Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, December 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the thing that helps in my situation is the shame that my husband feels.
He is ashamed of what he has done, and that so many people (his mother included) know exactly what they were up to.


Much of this is the same for my FWH. Except that mil has had a 35+ year A with a MOM - so like her opinion counts. But the fact that so many people know about them was motivating for FWH as well. He was at least OW's 2nd workplace A in 4 months and 3rd A in 6 months according to OW's BH. So sad.

He is once again a man that I can be proud to call my husband.

Yes!! This is so important and has gone a long way in our R, despite the fact that technically FWH and OW work together still, albeit in different locations and on different shifts. Watching him recover his integrity is not only something of which I am very proud but a victory over the A in and of itself.

NC had been going great, but I'm afraid she somehow is more comfortable now that I won't boil her rabbit (ha) and she'll try and get back in teh friend zone with WS.

I think this latest fishing attempt is less that FOW's not afraid of you and more that she realizes how irrelevant she is to your WH. She's not stupid - using a 'compliment' about you as an in for getting familiar with WH again. Sick maybe, but not stupid. His remaining NC with OW and attention to you, despite the attempts are what will really boil her rabbit.

[This message edited by Thera77 at 1:10 AM, December 21st (Tuesday)]


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Year!

Just wanted to let you all know that we survived the holidays. We had a few uncomfortable moments, but we are still here, and it is getting easier.

Take care.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
bgshaker
♂ New Member
Member # 30793
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I came across where my FWW and her FOM have given each other glowing recommendations on their LinkedIn pages.
I believe that their 2 month A is firmly ended, but this really irritates me.
Torn between just making my feelings known to her or being considerably more demanding.
Edit to include fact they are coworkers.
BTW-We're Mad Hatters, but I believe in dealing with her A and my ONS as separately as possible. Is there not danger in comparing A's?

[This message edited by bgshaker at 10:37 PM, January 16th (Sunday)]


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2011
beenthere2?
♀ Member
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I came across where my FWW and her FOM have given each other glowing recommendations on their LinkedIn pages
I don't know anything about LinkedIn, but could you ask your W to delete her comments?


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3978 | Registered: May 2010
debinthewater
♀ New Member
Member # 31321
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Thank G-d...other people that have similiar situations!! I'm really struggling. My WH works with his OW ...they are both detectives. He can't change that and if he even asks for a schedule change to decrease the amount of contact time, then he says it will be career suicide and could launch an investigation and he could never achieve Homicide det. Really? I mean, doesn't this happen unfortunately ALL the time in police departments??? In the beginning, 2 mo. ago, he said he wanted the marriage, now he is in the FOG and not willing to set ANY real boundaries. ...some that are decent ...I mean, not contacting her via phone, not sure what goes on @ work re: email, he calls to let me know where he is and when He'll be home but they see each other EVERY day. I mean, really, what are my chances here. I'm trying to focus on me and my strength and my 5 and 6 year old but honestly the depression is starting to smother me. The tension is incredible. He is in a selfish mode and just purchased a new bike and now wants a new Truck. ...and no, we really don't have the $$$. I just had to quit one of my jobs and just work pt to bring in a little $$ so it is mostly his salary that we live on. I'm starting to lose my faith and feel ever more like the door mat. Thoughts??


me 42 BW
Him 40 WH
2 kids 5 & 6
DDay Jan 8th
In constant state of Limbo but moving further away from R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Northern Virginia
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

debinthewater
How are you doing?
I just popped in and saw this post.
Thoughts. Well in my day my spouse had daily contact with his APs. They both worked under him he was their super!!
My thought was if they want each other then they deserve each other. Did it kill me well at first the first time the second time around I told him he was sick and needed help. Heck I told him that was nasty and if he wants trash he can hit the street. If he couldn't see they were trash he was the one with problems. Look doll we all can go out and sleep with anyone. We have a choice and we choose to not sleep around. They chose too.
Sounds to me like he wants all these things. He has no responsibility for the bills does he? You pay everything so he doesn't have to worry and you make it happen is this a right assumption?
I am off to find some more articles you wrote.. You hang in there..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
toycoon
♂ Member
Member # 31604
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW still works in my same department at a school. My wife has told me she will not even consider couples counseling if I continue to work with the OW, yet I cannot find another job in my area, so I am in such a dilemma. I have severed all contact with the OW, but my wife remains so very upset that the OW and I work in the same building and in the same department. I fully understand my wife's upset. It must be so impossibly hard for her, and I know I would feel the same if the tables were turned. But I cannot quit my job. The A ended Dec. 31, when my wife confronted me. I have had absolutely NO contact with the OW since this time, other than to text her "its over." I have had no other contact with her and I desire NONE. I understand my wife's distress at the OW and I continuing to work in the same department. Not sure what to do? I did go to my department head and tell her of my affair. I've asked if there is any way I can transfer to a sister school, but there are no openings. My wife remains steadfast that she will not consider couples tx unless I no longer work with this woman. I began applying to other schools, but given my salary schedule and age, I know that no other school would hire me. I love my wife so dearly, and I am in such a quandry as to what to do....

I have such incredible feelings of remorse, guilt, and angst for having hurt my wife in such a profound and devastating manner. And she tells me that the pain I have caused her is 100 times more than anything I could possibly feel.

To complicate matters, my daughter also works with me and the OW, and my daughter and the OW have the same positions as teacher's aides. My daughter hasn't really spoken to me since this A was discovered and my nearly 22 year old son has severed all contact with me.

I am emotionally and at times physically sick about the depth of pain I have caused to my loving family. I wish I could quit my job, but I just don't see how I can do this, given the economy... and when I told my department head that I was considering leaving, she told me emphatically to stay at the school. She values me and told me she recognizes how valued she considers me with my students. Yet the OW continues to work in the same department. I have asked my department head if she could transfer the OW or me...Not sure what will happen, but I know there are no openings for me anywhere else int he district. What to do, what to do?????? I fear I am losing my wife and the thought of losing her is more than I can bear....I only want to support and love her, as she deserves. This is SO complicated at every turn....and to think I CAUSED this and brought it on my family and unsuspecting and trusting wife of 28 years..... I have not believed in the concept of heaven or hell, but I now know that THIS IS HELL, for me and my family....and I have CAUSED it.....

[This message edited by toycoon at 6:47 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Chicago area
tuscandreamer
♀ Member
Member # 17406
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, March 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

toycoon,

I am in the same situation as your wife. My WH is a teacher too and he still works with the xMOW in the same department. If you have any way of leaving that school, do it know.

4 years later and I am still struggling with her presence. I would not wish this situation on anyone. It is really hindering things for us.


BS 46
WH 43
Dday #1 6/20/07, Dday #2 (different OW) 5/16/09
3 DDs (14, 9, 6)
Reconciling...

Posts: 482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Canada
forever.haunted
♀ Member
Member # 28645
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

toycoon,

My fwh went throught the same dilemma as you...worked with the OW..no open positions to transfer too...didn't want to leave a good/high paying career job..

he too went to the supervisor admitting to the A, asking for a transfer...but nothing was available.

He went to the OW's supervisor hoping to get the OW's schedule changed or transferred...nothing available.


The OW tried to get fwh fired by complaining to the human resources that fwh was making her feel threatened...

fwh got OW suspended for 3 days due to harrassment...


it got real ugly in the end. I hope your A will not end up that way. If it hasn't, be thankful.

Fwh eventually, 3 months after dday, quit his job because I could not stay sane or work on any aspect of R while he was working with the OW.

Since then, we are fully R'd. As far as I know, OW still works there.


I understand your situation, it is hell.

((toycoon))


You let it go when you are ready.. when you have processed it enough.. you let it go when you are sick of trying to figure it out. You let it go when you want your life back

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2010
Thera77
♀ Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DIW)))

So sorry that you have found yourself in this situation because of your WH's selfishness. Sounds like he is completely unremorseful and not at all working towards recovering your M at all. He should be completely transparent. IF what your WH says is true about not being able to transfer (seriously he can't laterally transfer anywhere else??)then at the very least he should be completely transparent with you in everything. Email, cell phone (do you have access to the phone bill to at least confirm whether or not he he is still communicating with OW?), etc. It honestly sounds like he is still involved in the A. It might be helpful to post in the JFO forum to get some guidance. Do you have a backup plan (or can you develop one) if he remains fully fogged and unremorseful?

Toycoon: Thank you for your candor. My best advice as a BW who had to deal w/ her FWH working w/ the OW for nearly a year post A - is to be transparent. If you see/talk with/get an email from/pass OW in the hall/are in a meeting with OW, etc., BE HONEST with your BW. Hide nothing. Show her your efforts. Most importantly work on yourself and your M. If your BW won't do MC right now, at least start IC for yourself. If your job is truly a deal breaker for your BW, you may have to consider quitting or taking a demotion to get out of your current school. It may come down to making the decision about which is more important, reconciling with your BW or your status and income? Best of luck to you TC.

[This message edited by Thera77 at 3:32 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)]


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
Time?
♀ Member
Member # 31684
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 4th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH says he did not have a PA with coworker, though I still have my doubts and questions. (This is on top of a string of paid NSAs.) There have been so many lies for so long. Now in his work he is going to be working closely with a woman I have not yet met. Since DDay he has accounted for almost all of his time, with a few apparently innocent lapses. Nevertheless, I can feel my panic starting to rise in response to this new work situation as there will be no reason for there to be lots of phone calls, texting etc. They will not be in the same city though there certainly will be business trips that will have me worrying. I have just asked for his phone/text records for the time since DDay almost a year ago. I figure if there is nothing there, maybe I can start to relax. Reading the posts here I wonder if I really want to deal with all this for the rest of my life.


BS Me
WS Him
Together almost 10 years, married 5.5, wandering since 2.5 years in our relationship, or at least looking and then wandering after though not exactly sure when, many NSAs, so many lies, says wandered online for first 3-/+ years and onl

Posts: 77 | Registered: Mar 2011
Time?
♀ Member
Member # 31684
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 4th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sick_of_the_lies)))

Yes, my WH has not had good boundaries either. I have talked to him about it alot and I think he has started to get it. At the same time, possible PA from work texted him on a work matter and it was just so not appropriate. He said he would talk with her, not exactly what I wanted to hear. I don't know what to do. Other things have come up that I have had to stop him from doing, including staring at other women when we are out. He denied this for years, but MC called him on it and now he doesn't argue when I bring it up. I guess what I am saying is that you can try talking to him about what he is doing and how it lands for you and what other people probably see, too. His reputation is at stake, if he cares about that. My WH does care about this, I think, so I bring it up. Good luck, I sure do know how crazy-making it is to be going through what you are.


BS Me
WS Him
Together almost 10 years, married 5.5, wandering since 2.5 years in our relationship, or at least looking and then wandering after though not exactly sure when, many NSAs, so many lies, says wandered online for first 3-/+ years and onl

Posts: 77 | Registered: Mar 2011
mostlymine
♀ Member
Member # 31511
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, April 4th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and ow work together. They are required to talk to each other to get their jobs done. It started out as a EA because he was able to talk to her about his struggles with work without having to explainin everything. (my husband is a computer programme and his job is a different language to me). The PA started less than 1 month latter. It got to the point they said they loved each other and wanted to leave their spouses for each other. After the full d day WH went back to work with her and the A started up again. He still loved her (gag). After ow asked him to leave me he finally came to the decision that he really wanted me. He wrote a no contact order. Her phone number has been blocked since dday but she found a way to make it unknown (it shows up on the bill that he called himself). I always answered the phone because I knew it was her. She fried to get him to call her by saying he needed to be a man and tell her to by phone. When we ignored her she decided to write a no contact order of her own. Lol. She acts like she is in control of everything and that having the A with my WH was the first thing she did for herself (she said that in email). WH has taken the week off from work. We are trying to repair as much as possible before he goes back. I really want him to quit b I'm a SAHM and I would be hard for him to get a job if he just quits. She says that it's over and she will not talk to him and if he tries she will tell me but I think it's all lies. She likes to play games. I don't know how it's going to work out


BS- me (30ish)
See profile for details
Getting divorced... Wh is addicted to MOW
I edit because of typos...auto corrects stinks!

Posts: 830 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
uncertainty29
♀ New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, April 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still in this boat damned near TWO YEARS later.

He seemed to be looking for work I guess but after two years with no interview no call back, I now realize he's probably not trying as hard as he should be.

Every time he tells me about having to talk to her (he claims they do not speak whatsoever), it feels like a scab being reopened and it brings me down again. I'm very happy he does tell me and tries to be honest which is a plus, but when I hear about her having to "ask him something" related to work, I feel like I'm back where I was two years ago totally devastated.

A part of me wishes I had gone through and caused a scene at their job or exposed them to their boss, or called her husband sooner (I got his # and he never responded), maybe they wouldn't be working or she wouldn't feel so damned comfortable to talk to him.

I wish I had just walked away and I would probably be fully happy enjoying my life with someone else. I'm only 27, we're not even MARRIED no kids. I just feel foolish putting up with things like this when I'm so young. I know more than half of this board said if they were not married and childless they would leave in a hot second, so what is wrong with me??

I just hate and resent everything and I resent the SHIT out of him some days for putting me through that painful painful (painful) time. I don't think he will ever FULLY grasp what he has done, and on top of that grasp the pain of the work situation. He just seems to go in everyday like it's nothing. I wish he would just quit outright.

[This message edited by uncertainty29 at 10:39 AM, April 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, April 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coming up on 3 years from dday 1 and he still works with her. They are not on the same floor and he's upper management, she is not usually at the same functions he is. It still bothers me, as I told him I have no idea what he does from the time he leaves home at 4:30 until he gets home at 5:30. I've asked him to let me know when they have business contact and to this day, he has never mentioned anything. It just pisses me off when I think about what that whore did


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
uncertainty29
♀ New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you guys feel when your WS says they spoke for work? I feel like I'm at DDay all over again.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
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