Well, I posted this right before the last thread filled;
I am so sick of her she like thrives off the drama she is still posting stuff about him on the internet. I mean he couldn't have been that bad she slept with him so all that does is make her look dumb IMO.
I feel the same way. OW would always put pics up of my FWH (that she took during the affair) with captions like "Sperm Donor" and such, and I always said, if he is just a "sperm donor", then that makes her nothing more than his cum receptacle.
So, we did some research, and there really is no way to prove that OW is not paying for childcare. All she has to do is have her mommy (or anyone) sign a piece of paper saying that they watch OC, and the state gives that person a check every month. The manager in my old apt building used to run a scam with some of the moms there- it's a total abuse of the system.
I know for a fact that she is now having her 19 year old boyfriend watch OC while she works nights, and he works afternoons, so someone is always home with OC.
Now, here is my plan, I truly need some honest advice here.
OW and OC are completely integrated into OW's new boyfriend's life. They are "engaged" now that she is pregnant, set to get married in 2011. New boyfriend refers to OC as his daughter, new boyfriend's family is totally accepting of OC (new boyfriend's mother even got family xmas pics done with her 2 year old and OC). Instead of "Mr. Want2help's baby" OW now calls the myspace she made for OC "New bf's family of 4" (referring to her unborn child).
My point is, OW is having a lot of fun playing house/make believe family with her new boyfriend. She has never, ever contacted my H for visitation EVER. Once he told her he wasn't leaving me, she had no interest in him being part of OC's life. Her only contact has been some fishing and harassing me.
So, I believe, my FWH should call OW before his CS hearing (which is over the phone here) and ask OW if new boyfriend plans on adopting OC (for our own piece of mind) and if so, when? Then I think he should tell her that she needs to drop the "child care" thing, he is not going to pay for it, and if she isn't willing, then he will be suing for visitation (every weekend, not every other weekend) and put in the modifcation that childcare is only to be by a licensed facility (which will hurt since she has another on the way, and she can't even afford OC- her CS paperwork revealed she gets cash, food stamps and daycare help from welfare each month, despite living with new boyfriend). In my opinion, her happy little fantasy camp she is living right now would be shattered. She would have to meet us halfway AT LEAST every other weekend (we live a few hours away), she would have to deal with me, who she considers her mortal enemy, (since FWH and her would still be NC) and I would poison her by being the most devoted stepmother the world has ever seen, just as I was with FWH's children from his previous marriage.
FWH says he is afraid she will tell him "go ahead, get visitation", as he still doesn't want it, but I don't think she will. She and new boyfriend are obviously quite happy pretending and no one in new boyfriend's family knows OC's dad has a wife. They all think her boyfriend got her pregnant, and left her for another woman. Having to deal with us would put her fairytale in danger of being exposed as for what it is- lies.
So, please, I really need advice. What do you guys think? I know we are all very busy with our own issues, and posts, but I could really use some advice here.
And auntcis, should you be lurking...?
ETA; I don't think OW even went after my FWH for CS- he didn't get served until well after OC was born, and it was the state suing on her behalf because she went on assistance, so her motive has never been FWh's money (surprisingly).
I guess this tells me, that maybe we all post often.. LOL..
From the time I started into this thread, this is the second one I have moved to. WOW... JUST WOW...
I suppose this may mean all our troubles will truly never be over, unless others have mentioned.. OW falls off the face of our earth..
(((HUGGS to all of us))))
Want2, on thing I have learned from this whole fiasco is, don't say something unless you meant it. It has a way of backfiring. If your H is going to tell her this, he needs to be prepared to go thru with it if she doesn't comply. As far as giving up parental rights, judges will not do that unless the BF is actively seeking to adopt the OC. And still may not make a decision concerning that until they are married. I talk to AuntCis all the time and she is doing well.
I am so sorry for all of us, but especially for those of us that are dealing with the OW on a regular basis.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:22 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]
If OW is receiving state benefits (imaginary daycare costs, WIC, food stamps, free medical for child), they will pursue your H w/a passion. They want their $$$ back, for supporting what they believe to be fWH's responsibility (they are basically considering him a deadbeat dad & assume he just doesn't want to pay CS or be involved w/OC). Even if OW said "I do not want CS from him or OC to have visitation w/him," the state would continue to pursue him. If they paid for OC's birth & OW's medical care prenatal & postnatal, they may try to recoup some of that cost also. I don't blame them, but our biggest fear was always that the "verbal" agreement about CS & insurance coverage & visitation wouldn't stand-up in court, if child support services decided to sue fWH for back child support. I don't think 19-year-old BF will want to adopt OC either, as they both cannot probably even afford a lawyer or anything. What judge would let him adopt a child, when he cannot even support OW & baby-on-way? I don't even think a judge would let an unmarried couple propose the adoption, thinking the relationship unstable anyway. (If Brad Pitt hadn't been a star, I don't think AJ's kids could've been adopted that way either - even though it was obvious that he could support them if they S).
I'm really sorry you are having so much trouble w/OW. I think her involvement w/BIL is a way to position herself into ILs family. The games she is playing w/OC's illness aren't right. Trying to guilt fWH into being involved more than he is capable of. These OW just set OC up for a torn/miserable life, when they willingly go into this knowing that if fWH doesn't D, then OC either splits time between two households, or feels lost & unwanted if mOM cannot be around as much for them as they are for COM. It's only logical, that fWH cannot give himself fully to children in separate households. There are times when you, COM, & OC are going to suffer based on whatever choices are made about CS and/or whether you go NC w/OC or have plenty of C w/OC. It's just not fair to anyone & these OW are too selfish to realize that!
Yes, I know that some (probably many) conceptions of OC are accidents that come from poor judgment & decisions to have As in the first place, but these OW who keep hounding the mOMs families & keep trying to position themselves into ILs lives, or keep trying to lure OM back to them, well...that's even more shameful than the initial PA.
OW is scared we are going to go for visitation so she wants my H to terminate his rights. We have court ordered CS right now. If he agrees to this will he still have to pay and have no rights? And will the state still come after him for money?
Once OW attaches your H as the legal father of the OC, she loses some of her rights. She cannot just ask him to terminate his rights unless someone else is going to adopt the OC. I could not get the OW parental rights terminated for the twins and CPS removed them from her custody. There is no way to get away from the CS especially if it is already ordered. If he wants visitation, and you are ok with it, he needs to go for that. The CS and visitation are 2 separate issues. They will still collect CS even if he never sees the OC. If you haven't already, please consult an attorney ASAP.
So sorry for this.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 12:12 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]
In our state, CS & visitation are separate legal forms, but the CS calculation here is based on a number of things (including days spent w/each parent). Whoever has OC overnight, gets credit for the day. If fWH had not wanted visitation when OC was born (didn't do court thing until 2008-09 but verbally had visitation/CS etc agreements w/OW), he could have opted out of that, but he'd have paid a hefty CS payment. Also, other in-house COM (or biological kids you support in some fashion) give you credit in TN's calculation (OW gets a credit for her toddler w/BH#2, while we have 2 credits for DS13/DS10). That way, the parent can still provide for in-house children. Years ago, it was a flat % (something like 22% of gross income), for whichever child filed CS first (so if OW filed first & then we'd D, she'd still have gotten the 1st 22%, even though DS13 is his oldest "confirmed" child). If OW had filed & then we'd D, my sons would've gotten a much smaller % each, than OC because the max is something like 50% of income. You can have CS adjusted here, if either parents' income changes by 15% or more. I am just hoping somebody doesn't tell OW to go do that (it's free through CSS). Now that fWH is on disability & so is OW (for GOD knows what reason or illness), he might actually owe OW CS, if it were recalculated.
Don't listen to him...It's all words..Look for his actions! I am looking, but I can't see any action!
So sorry you are here. The people on this forum are very supportive and helpful. Is OW trying to C H? Unfortunately P happen more than people say. It could be a ploy, but may not be. There is a guide on the last forum that gives you a lot of information.
Please take care of you, try to sleep, eat well, take vitamins and drink plenty of water.
This is making it very hard to R.
Did you find WH @her house before or after she started claiming pregnancy? If after you confronted him & denied, I would suspect that he's flat-out lying. Cake eatting, fence sitter.
Protect yourself. If you feel a need to R & go through HB phase, you might demand testing (if she's preggers, you surely know they used no BC, or it failed & puts you @risk).
I'm so sorry you're here on SI & being on OC support thread isn't a picnic either. If OC is fWH's, R is much harder & OW tend to not go away. You have a constant little reminder of As, if fWH has visistion also.
We'll help you through this. The first thing is to get fWH or OW to confirm pregnancy. If her FB says she's 4 months preggers, then @some point, she'll begin showing. Maybe friends could help keep an eye on OW (if she lives near), to see if her clothing style has changed (maternity clothes or much larger clothes).
Fortunately, I never saw OW pregnant, but she supposedly saw me & DS13 @store while she was pregnant & fled the store in fear. She recognized DS13 (then only 4), because fWH had taken him to OW's apartment during A#1 to meet her & my DS helped her decorate her Christmas tree. I guess, she thought she'd soon have fWH & DS as her very own, & they were trying during both A#1 & A#2 to impregnate her. If she'd have gotten pregnant during A#1, my DS10 wouldn't have been here.
Don't U wish U could turn back time & prevent certain things from happening?
Sorry you find yourself here i am fairly new here but i have been reading here since i found out about OW pregnancy back in 08. Even though i was just a lurker these women helped me more then they know and they will help you as well but i will keep praying that she is not pregnant for you and your families sake. Sorry again you find yourself here.
OW has posted pictures of her and her new BF, gosh for being sooo in love, and neither her or FWH couldn't supposibly live without eachother, she moved on quiet fast. It is good, don't get me wrong. But it is amazing how fast people can jump in and out of love with people, and just move on to the next person so quick. I have several friends that have been married, and as soon as divorce is started, are already onto another relationship. I just don't think I could just go into another relationship so quickly, as I see a lot of people do.
OW having a new BF, sure does give me a little piece of mind. But just a little.
FWH has been doing great, with the R process. I truly believe we just might make it though this, after all. I still have my moments, and doubts, but those are to be expected. Right?
Angie, soooo sorry you find yourself here, but know that you do have people that truly understand where your head is at, and all the things you are going through. It is not an easy situation, but it can be do-able, if you and your SO are truly committed to making it work. I hope that the OW is not pregnant, or if she is that is not your H's. But like the others have mentioned, go to the previous OC thread, and I believe it was on page 5, and follow the guidlines, and steps suggested. They are a wonderful tool.
don't get too secure about OW having BF. OW latched onto BH#2 while pregnant w/OC. He was there @birth etc. In 2001-02 timeframe, when he wanted to marry her, OW called & basically gave fWH an ultimatum "I won't marry BH#2 if you're going to D or S from repeat." fWH told her to marry him (after cancelling wedding date/courthouse justice-of-piece a few times & putting-off BH#2, she finally did marry him.)
And, prior to that, she was so pissed @fWH for going NC sometime during pregnancy, that she didn't even call fWH about birth, until after they were home.
OW also has told fWH many times that she does not love BH#2. She's had BFs & a husband all in the midst of the 3As w/fWH. If she SO loves fWH, why even both shacking up w/or marrying any other men. If the men she dates aren't someone she can love forever, why marry them....or even date them, for that matter. If she's needing sex, why not just ONS w/single men instead? I really think BH#2 did @some point make her happy, or she wouldn't have been going away w/him to races & leaving OC w/us for a week. If he was only a man to help raise OC in-house (basically a babysitter while she worked), why get pregnant by BH#2 in 2004 (birth of toddler sister in 2005)? At least, I hope that the firm denial that toddler is fWH's is true. I just worry sometimes that since fWH had a slight head injury in his 2005 accident (along w/the other paralyzing injuries), that he didn't forget about having sex w & knocking up OW again!!! I'm sure she'd have gloated & demanded CS, if that were the case. But, who's to say that toddler may not even belong to BH#2 (if she cheated on BH#1 & BH#2, who's to say that fWH was the only OM?).
Dreamer, if you don't mind me asking, were you unable to get pregnant (either by your sterility or fWH's defective sperm), or were you unable to carry a child fullterm? I couldn't remember if it was you or another OC-SI member that had the husband w/defective sperm & ended up giving OW the only good sperm in-the-batch?
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:28 PM, February 5th (Friday)]
Who had to go on ADs and/or seek IC to deal w/OC issues?
for me, I had to go to IC the month of OC's expected birth & continue w/IC weekly for about 3 months. I was a basket case & severely depressed, barely even caring for me & my DSs (going to work on autopilot I guess).
Then, right b4 OC's first b-day (around holiday season & DS10's 2nd b-day), I had to go onto ADs. I was like a zombie on them though & couldn't stay on them for more than about 6 months.
Just curious to see how you guys mentally dealth w/them. I am seriously debating seeking IC again, as EA/PA#3 in 2008 w/OW has really brought back all my OC issues to the surface (especially upon finding out after D-day#3, that OC's pregnancy was planned & they were trying during A#1 & A#2). Seeing OW so much during ball season depresses me also. I'm finding that PMS really causes me to get down about OC/OW almost every month...some months to the point of breaking down & crying, almost like after all the D-days (D-day#3 was the worst though).
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:29 PM, February 5th (Friday)]
B-ball game 2n @6pm (hope OW doesn't show) & bball game tomorrow @9am. If I had a guess, OW will probably go to tonight's game & skip the 9am game (she likes to sleep all day).
OC came home moody yesterday. We hadn't seen her since Monday @all, because school had been cancelled M-W. Her fingernails are painted black/dark gothic purple and her toenails are painted HOT pink. She had on big teal earrings. She's got a pissy attitude. She was bragging "my momma took me, sister, & granny to steakhouse for lunch, then we went shopping @Wal-mart & Sam's Club and spent over $300!" Like I said, I hope BH#2 isn't paying all "his" bills & OW is blowing all of the disability $$$ (maybe not even paying "her" bills). It will come back to bite her. I hope that she has to justify @end-of-year, every cent of OC's checks (like we're having to do now). Maybe they'll make fWH the Payee for OC again next year, if they see she's not using it for OC.
You guys have a good weekend! Hug your COM & grandchildren & OCs (whether they're w/you temporarily or permanently).
OC hugged me this morning, after sluggishly not getting up & me having to get fWH to wake her. The hug was sweet, but I'm clueless as to what's going on in that girl's head. She & DS10 fought all-the-way to elem school & I just turned up my Love89 radio station to drown them out.
Oh, if you need some inspirational music, try online @ www.love89.org (pick ListenLive button)
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:31 PM, February 5th (Friday)]
In regard to your question about, meds, or IC. I actually tried to commit suicide, when I first dicovered. But I had already been on meds ofter the discovery of the A, and was on them about three months, and decided I did not want assistance in dealing with life issues, so opted to stop taking them. I believe that was the best way for me, as I was afraid that I would become dependent on them. IC I do that periodiaclly, just to get a feeling of release of everything that goes through my mind, and input on how to direct my feelings.
But one year ago, I statred to get a degree as a psychiatrist. So a lot of my studing in psychology is very helpful, in dealing with so many immosions I go through.
I will admit that I also have a friend that is a psychic and has been so dead on in so many ways, it is scary sometimes. But that has been my main life saver, and my BFF.
I promise to not get to comfortable with the idea of OW having a BF, I know that people like that will always be on the prowl. LOL And I know this is a fresh relationship, so it could turn at any time. But I also am aware now that FWH, will never chose a relationship like that with her again. He now sees her for who she really is, and she is not the life style he truly can handle. If that makes since. He realized the grass is not always greener on the other side, sometimes it may appear that way, but that grass requires a lot more maintenace or it astro turf. LMAO.
Have a wonderful weekend everyone, or the best possible one you can have.. Much love to you all...