By-the-order, huh? fWH had a chance to see OC & she F*CKED it up, huh? Sounds like she's going to be a difficult one. So be it. It just made it a little easier on you to not have to deal w/OW this past weekend (when U probably weren't quite ready yet). When can he see OC again then?
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 1:48 PM, March 8th (Monday)]
Thing weren't always bad between me & fWH AND things seemed good when he was trying to conceive OC w/OW(or as good as expected for sleep-deprived spouses with newborn & toddler on shifts that barely crossed each other). I half-expected A#1, knew they were still what I would now consider EA during my whole pregnancy (tried to make them quit being "just friends", but it didn't happen), but EA/PA#2 completely knocked me off guard. As for EA/PA#3, I saw the red flags, but didn't want to believe it....not after everything we'd been through about OW/OC and his accident/paraplegia in 2005.
I was going to D fWH this time. I had my mind set. But, in 2008, I renewed my committment to GOD...he was there all along, but I wasn't seeking him & certainly blamed him for much of my misery. Anyway. Before D-day#3, when I found out about texts/nude picturemails, fWH & I discussed D. I slept in floor 1 night that week pre D-day#3. He took photos of dirty/messy house and was threatening to prove me unfit, if we D. I was really scared that I'd lose 2xDSs. I am a real slob, but I told him "he" lived in same home & they might just put our kids up for foster care instead of giving them to him. But, somewhere btwn that Monday (finding out about texts/pics), Wed (when I talked to OW's BH#2), and Thursday (when he broke up w/OW & made passionate love 2 me for 2 hours), fWH had decided he wanted to make M work. Unfortunately, OW couldn't leave it be. Since BH#2 had kicked her out Thursday on their D-day(same day fWH broke up w/her), OW was angry. She texted me about something like "Keep praying. fWH loves me." and "Congrats. We R getting D, but that just makes it easier 4 me 2B w/fWH."
OW was certain I'd leave fWH. fWH called OW & chewed her out. OW's mom (the pot-smoker) called me & told me things that may or may not be true & offered to testify in D case, if we D.
fWH went that Friday to attempt suicide. He'd come 2 my work & cried & begged me not to leave, that he was sorry. I'd paid retainer to lawyer $2500 & told fWH I was filing for D. I went home & he begged, cried, had panic attacks for entire weekend. He couldn't eat or sleep. He never behaved that way, even when OC was conceived (he should have). Then, when I went to church Sunday, I prayed & cried. Begged GOD to tell me what 2 do. Funny, sermon was about the guy who got his inheritance, squandered it on whores & crap, then ended up slopping pigs & starving...then went home & his father WELCOMED him home as family. I felt like the message was for me. That GOD was telling me that fWH was @his lowest & that he was my family (has been for so long - been together 20 years now). I thought that GOD wanted me to give him a chance. He honestly has been trying. We go through bad spells & my emotions are so much worse than ever before.
And, everything he told me about the other 2 As, just made it even harder to stay. I don't know if I should've asked about the other 2 As w/OW, but the inconsistencies just kept nagging. I still think I will never know all. I have problems w/that. That, he's still hiding his "TRUE" self from me.
I struggle daily, w/the "what ifs" about the choices I've made. Could I have prevented some of this?
I guess, my feelings for fWH have changed somewhat. Years ago, after A#1, I felt guilty for pushing him away w/my behavior. I don't think (even though he said I caused it), that A#2 was in any way my fault...I was pushing him away again, but daily sex w/newborn & nursing & working full-time was more than I could manage.
I just don't know sometimes. I take it day-by-day. I hope this ends up somewhere good! Or, all my lost time will have been wasted.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 6:56 AM, March 9th (Tuesday)]
The next time is supposed to be the 3rd sat.
BMC yes to OC is a pawn in her stupid childish games.
Thanks for the hugs.
OW been sending messages to WBF all week (he has her number blocked so she cant call but texts still get through). He tells me what they say because I ask (I would rather know than make it up - my imagination is pretty lethal). She goes from saying she cant do this by herself and she doesnt know what she's done to deserve this (OMG!!) and cant understand why he is not responding to her. (he has gone NC since DDay.) Then literally a minute or 2 later she sends more messages bad mouthing him, calling hom every name under the sun, telling him he'll never see his child. She is psycho!
She has also started talking about feeling baby move, about names she's gonna call it and sending scan pics - WBF does not want any of this - his solicitor says he doesn't need to be in touch withe her to see child when its born (if he wants that - says he doesnt at moment).
This is obviously affecting him - he doesnt want to hear anything - but doesnt want to change his number as he is same as me - would rather know what psycho is up to than be surprised. might also be useful for when OC is born.
but its killing me. we get a day or two when we dont hear anything and then she starts up again and we're right back to square one. Is this how my life is going to be now?
I want to move on with my life with my WBF and try to make things work. I just want her to go away and leave us alone. But I also have huge guilt issues that WBF is NC - she is carrying his child after all, I dont know if I want hime to be the kind of person that can do that. But I certainly cant handle him contacting her (and he REALLY doesnt want to). So do I sacrafice myself and my happiness to do what I think might be the right thing? or do I stick by what I feel is best for me and my life?
She brought this on herself - she is a skank. oh, one of her messages she was telling WBF all abotu her knew boyfreind and how he rubs her belly and he will be more of a dad than WBF!!!!! Who does that??? who gets into a relationship when your carrying another mans child???? I dont understand how she can live with herself.
I am frustrated and tired and angry, I'm tired of letting her run her mouth and I'm tired of allowing her to continue to be in our lives - but what do we do in this situation?? I feel like the bad person for supporting the NC - bt why should she get what she wants?????????????????
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! I wish I could just be cold and say forget her and walk away - why am I trying to do the right thing? She didnt do right thing by me.
Every so often, of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale - he was my fairytale.
Is it even possibe to completely walk away?? If WBF really does decide he wants NC w/OC ever - is it possible to put such a big thing aside and move on as if they dont exist? I mean can we go on and have a normal life if NC is maintained from start?
Has anyone else been through that? I am concerned that we will make NC decision and then OW will still find a way to interfere using OC as weapon as she does now. And what do we tell our own children if we have any? do they have a right to know about having a half sibling?
And has anyone made that decison only to have WS change their mind, or OC turn up at door?
Sorry to go on - I have so many questions tonight!
[This message edited by #1survivor at 3:18 PM, March 8th (Monday)]
Before, I've dreamt that I busted fWH cheating again (this was b4 A#3), and run outdoors & screamed @top of my lungs (in my dream). I must've whimpered or something, because that recurring dream has awakened me b4. I had that dream about fWH's xGF (prior to me) also, as I was so worried he'd go back 2 her when we first started seeing each other.
I dreamt last night that I went to OW's home, slit my wrists in her driveway, & wrote all over her garage door in blood "See U in Hell Adultress!" And, then died in her driveway.
OW, her MIL, BH#2, OC, & toddler sister all piled up & went to circus. That's all the details OC was willing to give, as she was in a really bad mood yesterday. Picked on DS10 during recess (their classes usually don't have recess together), pushing & shoving him around. He's about 45 lbs lighter than OC & is about height of a 1st grader. She was grounded the minute she hit the door, after fWH heard about how she'd been picking on her smaller (yet older) brother.
You have to do what is right for you and your relationship, it is a hard decision no matter which way you decide to go. I remember someone who went NC. Every year they brought a birthday card, wrote a letter, or some small gift to the OC. They kept all of these items. When the OC later showed up on their door some 20 years later, they presented them with everything letting them know why they made their choice and that it was not the OC's fault that the parent was not in their lives. Some people choose to send a check every month, every year and that it is. Some people have visitation or some type of custody.
I was not an OC, but I was born when my mom was 17. My father went into the army and married a couple of years after. I did not meet him until 1992, he made all kind of excuses as to why he was not in my life, and promised to be in my life. I did not see him again until 2008! Same bull, about wanting to be my father. I got a couple of X-mas gifts from him and again he left my life. I tell you this because that man was my sperm donor, he did not determine my life and my life was full without him. Do I resent him, yes I have some, but children grow up everyday without both parents.
The OW/OC situation can have a serious hold on a man. Whatever you decide it is best to have a plan in place with boundaries before the OC is born, because if not it can tear you apart.
I am so sorry you are going thru this.
I had a similar story. I was born out-of-wedlock. The father knew about me, but chose not to be in my life (his mother sent some clothes, but passed away b4 seeing me). I never wanted that for OC. If I'd had a different upbringing & maybe even a father-figure to help me make decisions, I might not have ended up w/fWH. I don't want OC living w/o fWH. He is a very good father. A father that I could've wished for. I was always waiting for the father I never had. He died around 1991 & I never knew him. But, now, my mom said that she wasn't so sweet & that maybe that man's brother is my father instead. Just the thought of maybe finding a Dad...even though I'm grown, would make me happy.
Odd thing is, most of fWH's girlfriends have been fatherless. OW's father lived in Florida & now Hawaii & only sees her about every 5-10 years. She cried about it on-the-phone (which we have recorded)....boo-hooing about having deadbeat father...guess she didn't know I was hearing recording & that I was also fatherless.
Every family has to deal w/OW & OC the best they can. There's no magic formula as to what makes every family survive this. It takes a lot of work & a lot of tears. I think I made it too easy on fWH. @some point, he quit doing as-much for OC & I became her primary caregiver @home. I resent it. I chose to have 2 beautiful sons & I feel guily for having those thoughts, but all the crap he's put me through about OW, and then him knowing that I love babies & couldn't turn one away that needed me. He has used me & I've been underappreciated. NOT all women are like us & try to make OC situation work.
If you have to go NC to survive, do it. fWH went NC for some time after she got pregnant (not really sure how often he checked on her). She started dating BH#2. BH#2 was there @delivery. He (as did I)thought OC was ONS btwn OW/fWH. How could OW be so hung-up on fWH one minute, ready to destroy our M for his OC...and be ready to give OC to us every moment fWH would take her off OW's mother's hands, so she could live the single/dating life w/BH#2? She claims she DOESN'T love BH#2 & never has....she was surely enjoying his company though....at the expense of OC. She doesn't know her daughter. She pretends to be good mommy, when it's convenient or when she is trying to prove something to fWH.
And, don't feel guilty if you & wBF decide to stay NC during OW's pregnancy. OC (if it's his) will not know the difference. If someone in OW's family choses to bad-mouth him for it later, when OC is young enough to understand some.....that is their stupidity. And, even if he choses NC until birth or until DNA....there is nothing wrong w/that.
BTW: fWH has a child out there, that's about 20. He let the girl's new husband raise it....as he married her, even though fWH didn't know about pregnancy & the man knew it wasn't his child. fWH wonders how it's life turned out, but also doesn't wish to interfere because he/she may not even know he existed. If she had not been married by-the-time he found out, I suspect he'd have married her (not for love, but for the child).
I actually respect fWH more for owning up to being a father to OC, but often feel badly for his other child...wondering if it knew @some point or if it was needlessly mistreated @hands of it's father. I've asked many times, if he might seek out that child, as he could most likely find it easily. I wonder, if someday, the mother will spill-the-beans & that child show up on our doorstep (maybe even w/a grandchild in-hand). I jokingly said, what if it was a girl & she showed up wanting you to raise her child, what would U do?
Can U block texting from OW's # on his cell service? Would he consider deleting the texts instead of reading them 4-a-while? Until things have settled down more. Maybe he could contact OW's family, tell them that he might want to be part of OC's life once it's born, but cannot be sure it's his and wants no attachment to another man's child. Give them emergency #s to contact incase of birth & then block her.
I don't see how R can happen, if OW is being allowed to harass him. On one hand, it's just making him angry @her, but it's also making the distance between you even wider. R needs NC w/OW, but OC issues kinda break the norm of what you'd wish for in an ideal R situation.
(((HUGS))) to U all guys.
Chandler, maybe you will be more prepared to see OC in another week or so during visitation. I didn't see OC until she was about 2 months old, but fWH was seeing her weekly @OW's mother's for a few hours. So odd to think of my H bonding w/another woman's child, w/out me around. Him hugging, snuggling, kissing, diapering her, like a secret life.... All while, we had a 1-year-old & 4-year-old @home. It was difficult to know he would go see that child.
It has worked ok. The beginning was rough. She was making threats if H wouldn't see the OC. He did not back down. Since Jan 2008 (yr after D-day), she has backed off with only the occaisional psycho ranting.
I do chat with her on IM or text her (she only has my phone #- something we changed shortly after D-day so that she couldn't contact my H without me around). My H can talk to her, but only with me around.
No, we can't ever pretend like OC isn't there, but we can live our lives with our little family that we created together. Our COM don't know about the A or OC, but I'm guessing as they get older we will have to tell them. And I hope they all understand why we did what we did.
For us, I thought we were @that point years ago, but was not surprised when EA/PA#3 happened. I kick myself for being civil to OW.
Are most of the ppl on here dealing w/either psycho OW using OC against fWH or neglectful/abandoning OW (who could care less about OC)?
I sometimes feel like what I'm hearing is that the OW/fWH situation is like a bad D (that never really happened). Or, that OW keep nudging their way into ILs good graces, for what reason I'll never know.
Repeat I do not think I will ever be ready or able to see OC. She is 1 now and I still can't even begin to think about it without wanting to
It has gotten MUCH easier though. I have seen OC twice w/o H at OW's house. But then again she has finally grown up some. I still don't trust her any farther than I can throw her though.
Everything will get easier as you work through R and your H shows that he can be trusted again. And time - it just takes time.
How many of you guys have seen OW finally give-up on being w/fWH and just let him be OC's daddy?
Not here. OW gave up on my H being "daddy" to OC immediately... never even bothered asking for visitation once he told he he was not leaving me to be with her. However, she doesn't seem to have gotten over him, as she attempted contact as recently as last summer, and it had nothing to do with OC.
We have been NC with OC from the beginning. We don't really talk about her (my H and I) unless it has something to do with CS, and very few people know about OC (I have just recently dealt with it enough to be able to tell a few people in my family).
Is it hard? Incredibly. I think about OC every day. I save pictures of OC onto my pc, just in case my H wants to see them one day (OC looks exactly like him and our daughter). I have dreams about OC, and dreams about our COM meeting her.
I used to describe OW as "crazy", but it's not the right term. She has never done anything "crazy" or irrational. Everything she has ever done has been cold and calculated, and meant to inflict the most pan possible on me (and my daughter). She is simply put one of the cruelest people I have ever encountered in my life. So being NC has cut down on the amount of pain inflicted upon us and our own daughter, now we just have to hope it doesn't increase the amount of pain OC sees in her lifetime.
That is a fabulous idea about the letters/cards/toys. I think I will run that by my H, and I may do it, even if he doesn't want to participate. I have no doubt OC will show up on our doorstep one day (if we remain NC, which is yet to be seen). When she does, I will make sure she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that in no way was she responsible for the actions of her parents, that she deserved both parents, and it was not her fault that she didn't have her father in her life.
[This message edited by Want2help at 4:19 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]
Sunday, OW let us have OC at our house for 5 hrs. She stayed the wkend with BIL and her other 2 C. She made so much noise about how hard it was letting OC go, how she would text lots to check on OC (even though we live literally 100yrds away). Then, she only texted twice. She, C and BIL were riding 4 wheelers past our house while COM, OC and we were on the porch blowing bubbles and she did not look our way. FWH stared her down until she finally glanced our direction. Then, they changed their route. If you're so worried about your child being with his father and stepmother, wouldn't you check on him or at least look his way?
I held OC and got him to stop crying and something clicked in me. It really felt like he belonged. Before I have just been visiting OC to support FWH but this time, I enjoyed being with OC, we felt like family; which we are.
This whole situation is not easy, I worry about FWH's boundaries, I stress about boundaryless OW living next door, I tend to obsess about the future (can't tell that from reading my earlier posts can ya? ) But, I feel like another hurdle was passed Sunday. Maybe we'll be okay. FWH and I both cherish our M and our R.
It was weird the 1st time OC came home for a few hours. Even though she'd been spending time w/fWH @her granny's, fWH couldn't get her to quit crying. @time, Granny & step-papaw were her basic caregivers (even sleeping w/them mostly), because OW was busy @work & w/BH#2 (b4 they married).
It was weird to have to sing OC to sleep. DS10 had never seen me hold another child b4. He was always jealous when I had to hold OC to quiet her. He was so young when whe was born....I really regret having to neglect DS13/DS10's wants & needs to take care of OC9.
Do you ever get 2 a point when you say "this is how it's supposed 2 be. I am OC's other-mommy & all is right w/the world?" I just don't see it....I still don't see why GOD put OC into this world. I guess, I cannot see the big picture & may never.