FWH is staying the night in another city, has a coperate meeting in morning there tomorrow. This is the first time since we have started the R process he has stayed away overnight, and I am freaking to some level.
FWH has told me the place he is staying at, and just booked it yesterday, (he usually books through ORbitz) but I did not see an itenarary in his email for the confirmation of the booking, and no charges has been applied to my credit card yet for the room. I fear that if I say something in question to this, that FWH will get mad that I spyed, and that he will do something to cover his tracks. Should I just wait this out and see if FWH charges show after the fact, or do I mention something to him before hand? He has been so lovey all this week, and has got me on high alert, believe me I love this kind of action, but him staying in the town that he would sneak OW to on occassion has got my triggers flowing.
I'm just not sure how to go about easing my triggers, or is this something that I should actually be alarmed about..
Altered, I think it is only natural to have feeling for the OC because we are nurtuing mothers ourselves. And if you want to you can develop a relationship with the OC seperate from the other situation. That is what I did. You have to handle this the best way for your and your family.
I am just being a little skeptical because of past experiences, but am monitoring everything. He never uses the ATM card, and his cell is his work cell, so no way to check ingoing or outgoing "anything" but I do want to trust, but verify things, so that it sits well with me....
I will be able to check the room charge, as we only have one credit card now, and it is in my name, that was a stipulation of R-ing. Nothing has shown on the charge as of yet, but don't know if OW would be there or not by just a room charge.
I have a meeting for my volunteer organization tonight, in the town where OW lives, so I may do a drive by, and just see what I can see.
I just hate that these feeling have to be like this, when I never used to have a problem with him staying away overnight.
I think his sweetness and loving comments, is because he knows how this will effect me, and he is trying to do this for comfort for me. Maybe, that is what I am hoping anyway...
Tuff nite tonight, I know this already. but just one moment at a time, I guess.
What's bothering me now, is that OC told me that her momma (OW) is putting her toddler sister in preschool until she starts kindergarten in-the-fall. Why does a SAHM need to put a child in preschool (OC said her sister is very smart & OW has been teaching her letters & #s)? DS13 will be going back to public school this fall. So, OW & fWH are both SAH parents. I worry that fWH will sneak off during day right now & leave DS13 @home working on studies w/some lame excuse like "going to get Skoal" or something. And, that they'll hook-up somewhere. I am especially worried that they'll be calling, texting, nude-pic texting, & hooking up when they have all that free time this fall.
Ugh! I just know how U feel. Always suspicious. When he got hurt, I trusted him 100%...thinking we'd been through so much 2gether that he'd never go back to OW. I was absolutely wrong & naive.
I just hope, that your CC checking & cell record checking confirm his whereabouts. I pray that he doesn't fall back into bad patterns & is truly trying to R & being transparent. Maybe his e-mail will show up confirming a itenerary.
Maybe all the lovey-dovey is because he is worried you are freaking out about his trip.
My H said that he was constantly looking over his shoulder because he was afraid she'd she him and start trouble (say things that weren't true, etc.) By Friday, I got this horrible pain on my left side - reminded me of heat rash. I went to the dr Monday and I had developed shingles from the stress of all of it.
I did tell OW later that we was there at the same time to get her reaction. She was pissed that we didn't tell her so that he could see OC and apparently we still had trust issues. Uh -DUH!! You don't get over this kind of thing in a few months.
If it makes you feel better to do a drive by, I say go for it.
I am devastated.
I am trying to sort out my feelings, so I don't have much to say right now, so I will probably just lurk... but I at least wanted y'all to know I'll be lurking.
1) OW's lie about being knocked up. A LOT. My best friend went through an OW pregnancy at almost the same time as us- it was a fake. No need for your WBF to be in contact with her, as she may not be pregnant at all.
2) Sometimes, they are pregnant, but the baby isn't your BF's. Once again, no need to be in contact until a DNA is done.
Many times, this is done after dday, just to get the MM to contact the OW again. But you need to be prepared, just in case it is his baby.
ETA; Sorry you find yourself here. If you don't want to post, feel free to PM me anytime.
[This message edited by Want2help at 10:41 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)]
Its ok to lurk and the beginning is a whirlwind. We are here when you are ready. You can also PM if you want. Take care of you. 1 day at a time.
If you're lucky, she's faking it. Kinda have to wait that one out. If she has facebook or anything, she might have ultrasound or something on it about pregnancy. If you have friends who could scope-her-out @business or in parking lots of places she frequents or something, they could be watching 4 baby bump. Or, call her yourself (like I did). She might lie (probablly will), but get the due date etc, if you speak w/her.
My friend's WH had crazy OW who faked pregnancy up to a point, then finally disappeared (after stalking behavior toward both friend & WH). She was trying to break up M, so she could have WH. Didn't work, they did eventually D, but OW was out-of-picture by then.
Unfortunately, in our case, OW was really pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy on both parts (fWH/OW)....thought it was ONS w/xOW, but turned out to be full-blown EA/PA#2 (or sneaky continuation of A#1).
We are here for you. If it turns out to be REAL pregnancy, we can support you through it & be around to anxiously await DNA once suspected OC is born. And, be here to support you through child support/custody/visitation legal woes if OC is his.
Are you planning on R most likely?
If possible, R is much easier if NC is established btwn fWB, you, & OW. You can change #s & give OW only your #, if that's something that might help keep OW from breaking NC. Or give OW a neutral party's #, like fWB's parents' #.
I hope she's faking...really do. It is a ploy some OW use, to run BW (bGF) off.
I guess the only question I have right now is... Where do you find the strength to deal with this???
I am still hoping that she may be lying, in an attempt to win back my SO back. Or if she is actually pregnant, that it may not be his. Who knows who else she was sleeping with....
I am furious with my boyfriend, as she had told him that she was infertile due to an ectopic pregnancy when she was a teenager. I want to smack him upside the head.
Before finding out about the pregnancy, we were leaning towards R...or at least giving it our all. This... well, this changes things. I'm not yet sure to what extent. I originally said an OC would be a deal breaker. I wavered, and then said I would at least still consider R. Now I am not sure what to do.
I do believe that WBF is very remorseful, but I just don't know if this is something I can do. And the sad thing is, it's not because of the OC... I know they didn't ask to be born into this mess. I just don't know if I can live a life that includes the OW.
i went to my meeting and before hand swung by FWH work to pop in and say hello, before he left town. After I left he texted me to thank me for stopping by and seeing him, and that he will miss me and loves me.
So after the meeting I was hesitant about doing the drive by, because of being in FWH vehicle, and her living in a culvasack, I did not want her to get satisfaction out of seeing his vehicle drive by, by the slim chance she would notice. So opted out of that decision.
Today I checked FWH email and there was a questionaire on his trip. Plus when he checked in the hotel was giving him greef, because there was not enough credit on the card for incidental coverages, (the stupid hold they place) well he got it worked out, and at check-out had to wait for them to verify his room. If OW would have been with him that would have been imbarassing, I'm sure. LOL But I did see she was on her myspace page last night.
So my anxiety, was a trigger from past experience, but nothing is happening. What a relief....
Just wanted to inform you all that everything went well, for his first night away after the actual starting of R.
Whalers 11, it is a struggle to decide to except what it will be liek, and the knowledge of that those thoughts will actually never leave your mind. Even if you do not stay together, it not like those thought will actually disapear. Maybe you will not have to deal with OW directly if you chose to leave, but the what if's will be there either way.
I found that when I fnally excepted "It is what it is" I seemed to get a since of relief knowing that the past is past, and all I can do is think of the moments as they come, one at a time. The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. I read this saying and find it very true
"Forgiving that's easy
Trusting again, that's hard
I wish you luck in any decision you chose, just be sure that you do it with a clear head, not in the heat of the moment. Good luck, and sorry you find yourself here.
I feel kinda sad for fWH though. He's always been there for OC. He's her rock. She could always depend on him to be @games & pick her up if needed. WE as a family, have been there for OC. OC cannot see, that OW is same-old mom, who didn't show up for almost any games this season & misses field trips & other activities @school.
Now, I'm afraid w/OC's new attitude for the last 3 months or so, that fWH will actually get tired of OC coming home @all. Last night he said, "OC cannot have a say-so in her visitation (in TN) until she's 12. Then, OW would have to pay lawyer for OC to get that changed."
And, I am really worried that OC might start being babysat by her aunt's stepdaughter. The last summer OW worked, this niece lived w/OW to babysit. She picked on OC a lot (stepcousin was like 16). She drives now & such and I'm worried if OC is w/her much, that she might take her places w/drinking or guys around who do not know OC is only 9. She is as-tall as me, no signs of cleavage, but you know how horndogs are, they wouldn't care. I'm just worried that OC might get raped or something this summer, if she hangs w/Auntie's stepdaughter. They usually go swimming w/that family a lot during summer. Not sure if new residence has a community pool or not, but one of the last housing complexes they lived in did.
Dreamer, I am glad that you found proof of fWH's trip & that it appears OW was on FB & maybe doesn't even know fWH is out-of-town (otherwise, she might just show up @motel or something uninvited).
Chandler, hope you're doing well.
On a good note, our DSs got extra $$$ from SSD for supposed increase that was effective Sept09 on what they draw from fWH's disability. We tried to call them & ask about it, but fWH didn't have their SS#s on-hand & I was on conf. call w/SS & home and they wouldn't allow me to give him the #s verbally...even though I just gave them to her. I was telling him where to find stuff in drawers @home & she said she had calls waiting & we'd have to call back (I was on hold 30min to begin with). Apparently, even though these are my kids, I am not allowed any info about their checks which are deposited into our joint checking...because I'm not the payee on their behalf. That's so silly. I had the SS cards w/me....fWH doesn't keep up w/that sort of thing. Anyway. Wish us luck. We're calling again today after work, to see if they really did get an increase of >$600 monthly in their checks & why? I'm not complaining about getting $$$, but the website says they only get max of 1/2 of fWH's check (split between the 3 children). I don't get it. fWH's check didn't increase, so why did theirs. If OC gets that much also, then I'm not getting the math. That'd be like a total of 1.5x fWH's monthly check. We decided to not spend any of it, until we know 4 sure. But, I'm not understanding how little-old couples are only given like $600-800 on SS retirement (plus have to pay for part of Medicare & copays for Drs and still live) & here fWH & his kids are getting as-much $$$ together, as he made in salary monthly. I'm not complaining, but it doesn't make sense to me. If OC is getting that much $$$ per month, along w/OW's check & toddler sister's check, no wonder they're blowing $$$ right & left, remodeling house, new furniture, manicures etc. If we get to keep it, we are going to start buying savings bonds for DSs (to go w/the ones my Nana bought them 2x annually b4 she passed away). That would be really nice, if our kids could go to college...which I though affording was only a dream, due to CS payments (until fWH was able to stop paying those since OW owed him & he weaselled the CS papers to get her out-of-it).
Hope everyone has a nice weekend. I am praying for sun. We had a few nice days lately & I want fWH to be able to ride in go cart w/the kids if the ground dries up. I want him to make some really good memories w/the kids. He's been bedridden for several weeks & only been up for a few days now again.
Although I have been telling her bits and pieces of what is going on, I have not been clear on how much contact I still have with WBF or that I am leaning towards R if that is even possible. I told her everything this morning and it was the hardest thing i have done yet. For the first time in my life I found it SO difficult to tell her that I am even allowing WBF to communicate with me as I feel like i am letting her down. She does not understand why i would want to stay, or entertain the possibility of R, especially with all the baggage he will have if OC is his. I tried to expalin but it sounds so lame and I sound pathetic. My mom is trying so hard to be supportive, but i know she is so worried about me and is also hurting so much too. WBF has not even contacted her since DDay, so she has lost someone she treated like her own son. She is very angry and very upset.
I dont know what to do. she is my mom and I love her so much and I dont want to disappoint her. I cant go through my life with WBF if my mom hates him, it would be awful.
I guess I am realising today that if R goes ahead, it is not just the two of us - it is all our friends and families I have to face who know what has happened - I have to face all of them. I barely have the strength to hold myself together enough to even think about R, I dont think i can handle having to justify the R to others. No-one else will ever understand how R is possible - I dont even understand how R is possible sometimes.
I just want my mom to be ok, not to hurt and to be ok with WBF. I am so unbeleivably sad, this is not how it was supposed to be.
Every so often, of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale - he was my fairytale.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:46 PM, March 14th (Sunday)]
Keep your relationship strong w/your mom. She will understand, if you R w/wBF. My mom didn't know about A#1 until after D-day#2 (about A#2), as fWH asked me to not reveal A#1 to either sets of parents. I should have, but felt ashamed & didn't want anyone to know about it. Maybe, A#2 (or continuation of A#1 in secret) wouldn't have been so easy for him.
Eventually, if you continue to make a life w/wBF & maybe marry, your mom will support you.
Is she's as wonderful as you say, she will see how hard this is on you & want to be there for you through everything.
My mom still gets angry about OW & OC, and especially EA/PA#3, but she knows that I love fWH and she behaves nice around him & OC.
Focus on what You need & make decisions based on you, not your mom. She will respect U for it & still love you. Here relationship w/wBF probably will never be the same, just as your relationship w/him has changed.
So sorry you are here. LTAs are difficult to get over. I would kinda consider fWH's involvement w/OW a LTA, since it was on & off again for around 10 years (3 separate or more EA/PAs).
If your fWH choses to not be involved w/OC, that is his decision. Let him know how you feel about every step of this.
Also, I think it's good that OW is going through you. NC is a good step toward him getting out of fog about OW. He may come around about seeing OC, but hopefully, you will be the go-between, so NC can remain in-place.
Yes, it is very difficult sometimes to deal w/money issues, when you know OW will be coming out in a better financial situation than you.
Is there any way to secure your & COMs finances, before OW's case goes to court? Maybe an agreed-upon situation through lawyers, precourt would show judge that fWH is financially trying to take care of his reponsibilities.
Seeing photos of OC is hard. DS10 & OC9 looked a lot alike when I saw OC's newborn photo, so I knew b4 DNA, that she was most-likely fWH's daughter. I kept praying that she wasn't. Do you want any of your family to have contact w/OC?
What about his family (parents/siblings)? Do they know about OC?
SS told us Friday that indeed, the huge lump-sump check for each COM & OC was legit. They miscalculated the family's total allowed monthly so it was backpay for each child.
Family Max - fWH's SSD check = amount allowed for fWH's minor children (plus me, if I had no income & chose to draw)
Minor child allowance/#children = each child allowance (reduced to max of 1/2 each of fWH's check)
So, OW got a lump sum check for $3200 for OC, then OC's monthly check from SSD will now be $800!!!! (this also means each COM get $800)
OW really racked up. She is getting twice the amount she was for CS, plus whatever she's drawing for both her & toddler daughter on OW's disability.
Now, fWH is wondering if OW is lying about filing for SSD on herself @all. That maybe she's just planning on living off of fWH's SSD (that belongs to OC). Now, he wonders if she really did go to SSD & file for OC's check as payee (and lied to him on phone about NOT doing that).
Who knows. fWH is finally seeing that OW can & WILL lie, where fWH's $$$ is concerned. He also realizes now....even though we've had papers all-along since he filed for joint custody, that OW lied about her finances for many-many-many years. OW was making more $$$ than fWH probably every year....and, she was lying about her salary, so fWH would give her the agreed CS, plus give her additional supplies sometimes for OC. Goodness, does that mean OW might've lied to fWH about other stuff? But, she's such a GOOD person who fell in-love w/wrong man...how could she be a liar????? What, you mean she wasn't just lying to BH#1 & BH#2, she lied to fWH also...how dare she???
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 6:39 AM, March 15th (Monday)]