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User Topic: OC Support Thread (BS Only)-New Thread
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd mentioned b4 that OC told MIL a while back that she wished OW & fWH could be together & me & BH#2 could be together. Child logic.

fWH always acts like he knows OW so well, but other day he said something like "well, I don't know how she is @home, I never lived w/her." Sometimes he says stuff like "OW likes this" or "OW always does this." He spent so much time w/her (off & on for probably 1.5 years total across 3 EA/PAs & 10-year span), yet he didn't know what she was like & OW had to ask once "what are your parents' names, so I can put OC's birthday announcement in local paper & list you as father & ILs as your parents?" This was probably for OC's 1st b-day. Yuck...everyone who knew me & that fWH is my husband, knew OC was now his out-of-wedlock & knew ILs were OC's grandparents. The genetic family tree (hair color/eye color) with photos of all OC's biological relatives they posted in hallway @school really hurt also. We've had DS13/DS10 in that school since probably 2000....they know who fWH is & that he's married 2 me. Every parent walking that hallway, could see my shame...in full color poster for about 1 month or longer.

I will say this, DS13 told me once that he believes fWH is really sorry. That COM & OC heard him crying, begging, bawling, etc. on D-day#3 & DS13 believes him. I'd be the bad-guy for not accepting his heartfelt apology, if I give up & S&D from fWH. How am I the badguy in this? I don't just automatically give in on R plus OC believes I am probably keeping fWH/OW from true happiness & having both her parents together.

Altered,

If you continue to live on property after OW moves in, do you think COM & OW's older C will become friends & want to buddy-up all-the-time. How close in age, are all the kids involved?

Yes, if your fWH doesn't give-in & leave you for OW, then OW is destined to bad-mouth your H for "abandoning" her when she was pregnant w/OC. No kid will understand this, until later. I know it's not what fWH wanted, but do you think he might allow OC to be adopted by BIL, if they M & BIL wanted to be OC's father for-good? Do U think he'd even consider giving up parental rights & OC being his "niece/nephew" instead? I cannot remember if OC is boy or girl...thought U said boy.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:54 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, OC is looking forward to summer. If toddler sis (4) doesn't stay in preschool all summer, I suppose OC will be back to her full-time job of 9-yr-old babysitter, cook, etc. While OW sleeps the day away on the couch.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

COM is 3, OW's C are 12, 8 and OC is 3 mos. Her C are pretty wild boys, I think they have not had much raising, if they play at our house, I or FWH will supervise and MIL and FIL also agreed that C will not play with COM unsupervised. COM is special-needs (autistic maybe, no diagnosis yet) and not very verbal, if her C hurt her, she could not tell about it.

I know that FWH will not allow BIL to adopt OC. FWH has been there from the beginning, sacrificed, went to ER etc for OC, I don't think he would ever let OC go. I agree actually, seeing OC is the only bright spot in the OW/BIL triangle. It would be very painful for FWH to see OC calling BIL daddy and knowing the truth. Besides, they would probably still want FWH to pay CS, BIL does not work.

Also I think that if things went to hell and OW and BIL D, that BIL would say "that's not my kid" and have nothing to do with OC. Then OC will have no father. Trust me, no man would put up with OW's crap unless they were really devoted fathers. Her 1st C's dad pays CS, but is NC, XH 2nd C dad has some C, but cancels a lot.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
tryinagain2010
♀ New Member
Member # 27469
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it all begins. I got woken up this morning by a sheriff knocking at my door at 5:30 am looking for FWH. He wasn't home but I am assuming that it was to serve him with papers for the paternity test. All he said was that someone has filed a complaint against him but wouldn't tell me anymore than that so I guess we will have to see when the sheriff comes back. Hope that it isn't anything else don't think I can handle much more. Saw a lawyer last week but not a lot we can do unless I file for seperation which I don't want to do. He did give me some advice because it is tricky because she lives in another state but child conceived here. So we can get a lawyer from other state and do everything there or we can try to have everything moved here which would prolong thing and in the long run maybe more expensive. The benefit to having it here is we have more liberal child custody laws but he still is not sure how much involvement he wants with OC. I think if she lived here it would be different but even if he wanted custody will only be able to see a couple times a year. So we still have time to make a decision. I just don't want to and I know that sounds horrible but right now I just don't want to deal with it. The OC is making it very difficult for me to heal. If she weren't here we wouldn't have to have anything to do with OW but UGH!!!!! for the rest of my life I will have to deal with this. I am hoping that if he does decide to have a relationship with OC that I can find it in myself to be accepting. I want this to work but I thing OW wants them to be a little happy family when she comes to visit. Man that is so not going to happen. He will have NC with her I will be the one that does drop offs etc. Yuck have to see her does that ever get easier I think that the first time I have to look at her I might puke. I have never seen her in person only pictures at this point. Ok enough rambling


FWH 35(him)
BS 37 (me)
Married almost 9 years
Together 11
DDay 1 12/31/2007
DDay2 1/12/2010 OW called to tell there is OC born Oct. 2009
Trying to Reconcile but it is a slow process.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Feb 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OC called last night while fWH was still @MILs. She said "OW got me a new phone. Check caller ID to get my #."

Triggery. OW bought tracphone during EA/PA#3 because I'd blocked her texting to fWH on her regular cell. She could HIDE ID on the tracphone...after D-day, she gave it to OC as a personal cell & then asked fWH to give her $$$ for OC to add minutes. I think I am going to block texting for OC's # to fWH's cell. If she needs her Daddy, she should call his cell or call the house instead.

Why does a 9-yr-old, who's always w/a parent, need a phone?

Anyway....hope OC got some lunch $$$ from OW. We certainly won't be paying elem school for OC's food (we generally make DS10/OC pack their own lunches @home or give $$$ morning of, if we run late).

Walgreens Clinic called & said we owe $16 for OC's appt in December. Should've given them OW's #, since she took OC. Need to put OW down as responsible party for billing @Walgreens Clinic & also @pediatrician, since she's receiving OC's $$$ now. I pay the insurance, @least she can cover the copays.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:18 PM, March 24th (Wednesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh was supposed to have a visit with OC this past Sat. He didn't. I did not ask frankly I was so caught up in our move that I did not relize it till Monday.

Anyway OW sends H a text that he missed another Sat yesterday. I do not know wht she waited till Tuesday but whatever.

H called her to talk to her because he did not want to text she did not answer so we had to wait for her to call back. Power trip out the ass but whatever.


So we had tyo wait for her to call back. I do not know what he is going to say to her. She finally calls and he said that life is to short to fight with her about oc (the sticking to the order BS) and with me about her plus he had told OW several times that he did not wnat to see OC. And that was that. Seh aparently said OK and hung up. The about 15 min later she sends a text that says "I am sorry to hear that"

I hope that when my H told her what he did that she was hurt, angry, and upset. I hope she cried and made a spectale of herself (she was at work). I hope these things because I want her to feel just a taste of what I felt when I found out about the A and OC.

I know this is not right to be happy about it, but I can't help but think maybe a little Karma rolled her way yesterday.

Skanky Bitch.

I want to send her a text that says "I ALWAYS win"

[This message edited by Chandler at 1:59 PM, March 24th (Wednesday)]


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler,

It is sad that fWH isn't planning on seeing OC.

OC issues are difficult, all the way around. I don't think there are right & wrong answers about NC or full contact.

Does he seem to think "it will all go away, if I don't see OC. It's like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from."

In all honesty, I don't believe fWH regrets EA/PA#2...just because the way he says "I'm sorry, but I love OC." Kinda says to me, that the pain of all this that our family endure, was worth it...because he has OC & loves her dearly.

Hmmm. If I had a choice of getting a child, or putting my spouse & COM through hell....what's the right answer? Well, he wanted to make OW happy...more than he wanted to make me happy (& preserve M), is all it boils down to. I don't think I have the full story...I'm just wondering if the reason fWH told me @all about OC is that OW was threatening to call me, or if they broke-up and he got in a panic about her calling....I don't think he actually came to his senses @that point. He says he realized he was going to have to tell me.

He got a bleeding esophagus from all the stress that summer....b4 he told me. Funny (odd) thing, when we went to upper GI appt, there was someone w/OW's maiden name there. I said "wonder if that person is related to OW?" He said, what do U mean? I said, "well, isn't that OW's maiden name?" He said "I don't know her maiden name...I've always known her by BH#1's name." Weird isn't it....OW was @that minute, pregnant w/fWH's child & he didn't even know her "real" name. He must've almost pissed himself, when I mentioned OW...'cause ongoing A#2 was still a secret.

P.S., after A#1, I paid an online PI to give me all OW's info...so, I knew her full name, maiden name, possible relatives' names, everywhere she'd ever lived (well, that she had a credit report about) & current addy/phone#/neighbors' addresses & phones. I never really thought he'd go back to OW though (or have OC)...even though they were still "just friends."

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 3:07 PM, March 24th (Wednesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Repeat

no it's not an I think it will go away situation. He told her from the get go that he did not want anything to do with OC and if she decided to keep it she would be "on her own". So this has been his stance from the get go.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Chandler)), I am sure that the OW is very pissed and hurt because her leverage is gone. She thought that she could hold OC over his head and with him not wanting C, that hurts her plans. It's sad really that her actions have deprived her child of having a family. She could have found someone unattached. Don't be surprised if she still keeps trying. And if you guys do stay NC, be prepared for OC to cross your doorstep one day, just be prepared.

((Tryingagain)), I am so sorry this is just the beginning. If you are not prepared to separate, be prepared for this to impact your family. You and your H need to seriously sit down and discuss this situation and how it is going to be handled, don't let it sneak up on you and catch you off guard. It is not going to be easy either way, but if you try to control what you can control, you have a better chance of dealing with it. I did the exchanges for visitation for the OC before we got custody. I was civil for the sake of the children, but when I got away from OW, I went crazy, bitched, whatever I needed to do to get the rage out before the next time. If you do decide to do this, expect hostility and then possibly trying to be your friend as time goes on. I had to treat it as a business relationship, I showed no emotion to OW, except that time when she tried to talk to my H at the courthouse around the corner when I was with the OC. I lost it and told her I didn't care if we were in the courthouse, cause I'll catch a case and we can just cut out the middle man (police) since we are already here!

But seriously, you have to be a united front with this. You have no chance of R working for you if you are not both on the same page. Good luck. Hugs.

((repeat)) you might not like what I am going to say, but you have been dealing with this for 10 YEARS, please tell me where your H's remorse is? The comment that you mention that he said he is sorry, but if you had not been this way or that way is blameshifting if you ask me. It doesn't matter what he did/or did not like about the marriage, he choose to go to someone else instead of work with you to determine what was wrong. That is what my H did as well. Even after all this time, when I look at your posts I see that the pain is still raw, and strong for you. I see everything that you sacrifice to make your family work with this OC situation. I also still see you stressing out that you H is going to still have some contact with this OW. How much longer do you have to live this way? This is just my opinion from what I have been reading. Alot of the healing that my family is experiencing has to do with the change in attitude of my H. I had to know that he would never want to hurt me like that again, and that even though he has an OC, that he would never put that situation of front of me again. If not for that, I could not have stayed married to him. I just can't imagine have that constant fear that you seem to have. I wish you could have some peace. Hugs

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:57 PM, March 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I have barely even had time to lurk these past few weeks, as my wee babe is keeping me so busy, but I wanted to update you all on our situation, and maybe give the newly betrayed some hope.

As you remember, the state was wanting to raise OC's CS to over $450 a month due to her getting food stamps, assistance, and help with child care (which we know she doesn't pay, but we cannot prove). This added to the CS he pays on his daughter from his previous M (now 16, going on 17) would have put his "bring home" pay at around $700 a month- which isn't even our states "self support reserve" (the least amount of money an obligor can bring home) let alone a credit for our COM (who was conceived after OC, so we knew that wouldn't be much).

Well, he had an over the phone hearing, and the court allowed OW to submit her "evidence" after the hearing was already over!! I was livid. OW also lied and claimed she is the only one in the household, that is why she continues to get all of the welfare help (which she is preg and lives with her new "fiance"). That is completely against the rules, so H and I were set to get the judges order and appeal it, and file a complaint against the judge.

Well, last weekend and talked about it and OC. I was crying (which I never, ever do, so it was nice to get it out) and telling my H that I felt like I could really love OC and be a good stepmom to her if he decided he wanted visitation, and how OW did not appear to be a good mother, etc, etc. He told me he didn't want to have visitation, and didn't think he ever would. I cried more, and asked how? Didn't he feel guilty? He said he did not. He felt like he didn't have a choice in her conception (of course I wanted to yell "You could have worn a fucking condom, you idiot!!" but since Ow has been so candid about having gotten preg on purpose, I did not, he was opening up, which he rarely does), he has no choice in CS, so visitation is the only thing he has a choice in, and his choice is NO. I can't understand that, but I guess I have to respect it. At least I have finally heard a reason, instead of just a "No".

So, the very next day we get the CS paperwork. We could not believe our eyes. The judge did exactly what I felt should have been done all along, but never expected to see it happen.

They calculated CS this way;


H's income
-Self Support Reserve
-Credit for CS to daughter from previous M
-Credit for COM
=OC's CS.


OW will be getting $179 a month!

She still has 60 days to appeal, but that is in the fine print. We didn't even know that until we consulted a free atty years ago (over D from previous M). And, since she is preg, and says she makes $15 an hour, we are hoping she just lets it go!

I cannot even believe it, what a freaking difference! And this is using the same "Standard Child Support Calculation Sheet!" So, H is going to request a new case worker IMMEDIATELY (she was the one who ordered CS to be $450+ a month).

So, we aren't counting our chickens until they are hatched in 60 days, but I guess sometimes it doesn't pay to be a lying bitch.

So, I know welfare doesn't know she lives with her new "fiance" (I called them to let them know
) I wonder if they know she makes $15 an hour, 32 hours a week. If she wants to appeal it, they sure will. My cousin has an acquaintance doing a couple months jail time for the same thing she is doing.

So, don't give up, for those of you who are looking at cost of living + Cs for OC. Just keep appealing.

Sometimes you don't know it's the karma bus, until you helped the driver push it into the road.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2Help,

I am glad someone finally looked at your husband's numbers and realized he wasn't even making the $$$ they were wanting for OC. $179...much easier to pay. Hopefully, they stick w/that calc until fWH can get a full-time job that meets your crazy schedule (we were on schedule like that until a few years ago, so I feel for you - basically feel like you are each single parents & barely any time for M).

BMC,

I don't feel like he has remorse for EA/PA#1 or EA/PA#2. When I found out about OC, the story was all different & he seemed genuinely sorry for OW "planning" a pregnancy & him being seduced into ONS. Now that I know it was a full EA/PA & that they both (not just OW) planned OC...my feelings changed. We had a newborn & toddler. I was told ONS (which is easier to believe) and kinda felt sorry that OW tricked him into having OC...we had a difficult R#2 because I knew OC was coming soon, but I really hoped that OC wasn't his child. All these years, I thought OW was lying about them "trying" to get her preg. I guess I'm still so angry after fWH allowed EA/PA#3 to happen. I feel like he's remorseful for the 3rd A, but not the others. After he told me about OC, he was lovey, bought me gifts, never begged & cried like on D-day#3 the thereafter. His response was completely different than before. He told me that he realized I was going to D him (even b4 D-day) because I'd slept in living room when I found out about the sexting/nude pics. I didn't even have confirmation of PA, but had asked him about it (he lied & sweared on his mom's life & OC's life that he wasn't having PA w/OW). I knew he was stupid for the sexting/pics, but hoped he wasn't stupid enough to have PA w/her again. I'd told OW's BH#2 about what I knew & told him everything about what he didn't know (OW had told him OC was ONS also, so he was clueless even about A#1&2 when he start dating OW and also when they married - he didn't know they were "in-love" and that she'd left BH#1 for A w/fWH).

Anyway, I really thought after OC was born, that things were better for a long time. He tried so hard to make me comfortable w/OC. He did all her basic care @home, unless he was working. Things just seemed better. When he had accident, OW was still fishing around for him....started working 3rd job @the tanning bed fWH frequented (1 town over & 20+min drive for OW to work there). If EA wasn't already starting, I think it was a matter of time. OW ended up pregnant by BH#2, but I hoped it was after fWH's accident...found out her pregnancy was B4 accident & she collapsed the day of fWH's accident, when BH#2 told her...she had to go to ER (I think). BH#2 was actually riding w/some friends & hooked up w/fWH, uncle, & other friends (by chance). BH#2 held fWH head in his lap, while he was bleeding & in&out of consciousness. I'm sure if he'd even suspected A#3 would happen w/his wife, he'd probably have never helped him...maybe even broken his neck or something when others had back turned.

All the added anger stems from finding out about A#3 (after I'd been lovingly caring for OC so many years & been down-right polite to OW). And, then sometime after D-day#3, fWH revealing that OC wasn't accident on his part. I honestly think that if I'd known OC was planned when it happened, I probably would've left fWH w/my two young sons & tried to get by alone. I'd spoken to a lawyer already (free consult) & should've just done it.

I guess, because I see so much change in him concerning NC w/OW (usually) and his supposed anger of the things OW does...it's harder to think about S & D. I had just never seen that man weap, chest heaving, holding his chest, begging me, pleading me to stay. Telling me, that even if we S & D, that he'd prove how much he loved me. I cannot get those images from my head. Even going to commit suicide & changing mind (he attempted suicide as teen and was found b4 almost dying, so I do not believe it was a ploy to make me stay). But, I can honestly say that some of the feelings of wanting to stay, are from having such history w/him. Seeing him in-pain daily due to paraplegia & other injuries. I feel almost protective/motherly toward him also.

I make no excuses for fWH's As. After A#1, I really felt guilty about it. But, after the multiple As, I know I wasn't right & was trying to correct my behavior pre-A#3, but I guess EA had already started & the slippery-slope was too much to resist. After D-day#3, he acted like he was somewhat remorseful for the other 2As & they weren't my fault...but, his tune changed again as-of-late about first 2As being "his fault."

fWH is acting cold toward OC some lately. OC said "can I go to a field trip w/Momma's church Saturday & come home after, but let Momma get me from school Friday since trip is early Sunday?" fWH told her, just stay all weekend w/OW. 6months-1year ago, fWH would have made OC come home Fri & go back to OW Sat & come home Sat night. I think I may suggest that he let OW get OC afterschool on her days & see if he's receptive. If not, maybe next fall. Since OW will either be letting toddler ride bus or be car rider, there's no reason why she couldn't get OC on her days instead of having to run back out 3 hrs later. The PU/DO park for exchanges is next door to the elem. school.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC I have a feeling that OW is concacting a new scheme as we speak. I know she will not just quietly go away she has already proven that. I think my H will stay NC though. He has wanted that all along and I think he is going to stick to it. I know there is a chance OC will be knocking on my door one day. I just hope that it is not for an episode of The Locater.

Want2
YEAH!!! i am happy that some state has some sense when it comes to this stuff.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler - I'm not sure that you do, but please don't feel guilty for having NC with OC. It is a personal choice, and everyone has to do what is best for them and their family. Yes, I would be prepared as she is probably coming up with a new plan to tortue your family. It took OW in our case almost a year to finally back down and realize that H wasn't going to be a daddy to OC. She chose to have an A with a MM. I have always hoped she'd find someone (single) to spend her life with and be a good father to OC.

BMC - thank you for your wisdom. You really are a fabulous support for all of us here, and I am so grateful for that.

Want2help - I'm so glad that CS is a reasonable amount. My H pays 191 for now. She tried to have it increased the summer of 08 because we got a letter that said that the case was reviewed and an increase was not appropriate at that time. But I think we are scheduled for an automatic review this summer. I do think that my state's schedule is pretty fair, especially after I see what others pay. I think my H's reasons for NC are similiar to your H's. While yes, he layed down with her and was dumb enough to believe that she had fertility issues, he BEGGED her to give the baby up for adoption. He wanted her to have a stable 2 parent home. OW pretended to consider it, but she told me later that she never would've done it. So in his mind, he still chose to give her up for adoption.

Repeat - You have put up with so much in the past 10 years. I would absolutely put my foot down on the after school business. That is extra time, gas, and stress for you to do the DOs everyday. IMO, your H should have considered that he wouldn't have OC everyday as well as you and your COM if he choses to have children with 2 different women. And while it seems that your home is the more stable of the 2, that again was his choice to have a child with that woman. IMO, he is the one that needs to compromise on this, not you.

Good luck everyone!


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea, I'm glad that COM are considered in our state in the CS calc. I have a co-workers who was D & had COM. He had CS under the old rules & it was something like:

23% first child to file
20% 2nd child to file
& then some other % thereafter up to max of 50%...there was no living allowance for the father included @all.

I don't know if the current calc. in our state has living allowance for fWH....I cannot recall seeing anything except % of support from each parent based on time spent w/OC & credits for our COM & OW's COM.

I have fear that OW might request a recalc. from state, now that fWH gets more SS disability than her. That'd be a bummer...hope the calc. includes the monthly $800 that OC gets from SSD (and of course the $$$ that our COM also get). If I had to guess, he probably now owes CS, except we pay a heafty fee for health/dental/vision which we can divide by 5 since we have family coverage for 5 persons. It might equal out again (she owed fWH CS last calc, but he got it waived by some fancy wording about extracurriculars & OC's clothing).

It's kinda sad for OC who won't know their fathers (as I was fatherless by his choice, but I wasn't OC or anything - just had a deadbeat dad), but I think it is probably the best choice for R & M in most cases if NC is in place. I just don't think fWH could've gone NC w/OC (maybe more because she's OW's child, because I know he was NC w/the supposed child from his friend w/benefits when he let her new spouse raise his child as his own - poor girl got married in HS 'cause fWH's alleged child, she'd probably never gotten so serious about her new BF so quickly, if she wasn't looking for a baby-daddy). So weird to think of fWH having a 20-something daughter or son out there, that he doesn't know & that probably thinks her daddy is her biological daddy (when it's really fWH & the daddy knows it). I keep waiting on that child to show up on doorstep saying "hey dad, I had a sucky life & it's all your faults" or "hey dad, I got knocked up & they told me to come see u, 'cause my parents say it's your turn to raise me & your grandchild."

+++++++++++++++
Hey, forgot to ask...how did the DNA turn out on that possible grandbaby & the teen mother you took in????


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2help, I am really happy for you concerning this CS amount, it really could have gone the other way, and I know that some couples have a hard time at R as it is but more so if more CS is coming out of the household.

want2bok, thanks, I have to look that this situation as a way to help other people who have experienced it, like when I became homeless, after I got my house together, I became a social worker for a number of years and helped some families get out of the shelter and find housing. I say never forget where you have been because you never know how you can use that experience to help someone else and you never know if you will need someone else in the future.

repeat, I have the test kit, I am in the process of getting the results. I asked my son if he thought this was his child. And he said yes, I said if you find out for some reason that it is not, what would you do? He said that he still would help her and be a father. He said that he sees how I take care of the OC and I am not their mother, but I still love them and he would do the same. So no matter the results, he wants to be the father and I will encourage that. If for some reason he is not the father, I will keep that information to myself and use it if we have too. Kind of going against what I wanted to do before, but it is his choice and he is going into this with his eyes wide open and I will support him no matter what he decides.

Actually the baby's mother has been at her mother's house for the past 3 days while I am getting some repairs done to my house and she has been spending some time with her family so she might be going to live back withe her mother soon.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:03 AM, March 25th (Thursday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Repeat-

until fWH can get a full-time job that meets your crazy schedule (we were on schedule like that until a few years ago, so I feel for you - basically feel like you are each single parents & barely any time for M).

My H has a full time job, unfortunately it is currently an apprenticeship, but it still pays much better than most jobs in our area that are currently available. He works 4 10hr days a week (unless business is slow) and they are sending him to college on some weekends. He gets good benefits, has a ton of paid vacation, and will be making great money once he is licensed in 3 years. We have no intention of him leaving this job, and I return to school in the fall... maybe you were thinking of someone else? Or I was unclear on our job situation?

And thanks everyone, I know it could have gone good or bad, I am shocked at the difference in amounts when the CS dept in our state claims that all their workers use the same calculation sheet, and therefore will come to the same conclusion on amounts.

I have a question though- my H gets a credit for our COM (as well as the D he pays CS for) as he is legally responsible for supporting our child also. Will OW get a credit for her new C fiance" once it is born? It only seems fair, but I have never seen it mentioned in the paperwork.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2Help,

I think maybe I am getting confused about your H's job situation. There are a few going through court right now over CS & many OW wanting to stick-it-2 the mOM. Sorry :( But, it's good news anyway.

For us, the lawyer told fWH that under a few circumstances, you are supposed to get CS services to recalc:

1) if either parent's income changes by 15%
2) if either party gets more dependants they are responsible for (birth, adoption, maybe even custody of grandchildren - not sure on that one)

Funny thing though, the legal secretary calculated ours on the state website & the court didn't verify or anything (since this was submitted w/the papers that OW finally signed after making us have her served instead of voluntarily per verbal agreement)....what if they made an entry mistake? I am a worry-wart....about CS stuff.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

W2H - It must vary my state. OW has another C and receives no support for him. She gets state aid for both kids. However, his existence doesn't change H's CS amount at all.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found the CS calc. online for TN. I played w/the numbers some.

If OW is receiving @least $1200/month disability for herself & the $800 for OC from SSD, then she owes fWH CS (credits for COM in both households & fWH's credit for $70/month health ins WE pay for OC: 1/5 of total monthly). If OW is lying about being on disability & has $0 income, then fWH owes her about $80/month. But, found a fine-print snag, that if fWH pays health ins, then it's a credit, but if a stepparent pays health ins, it really isn't a credit. They credited OC's before, when papers were drawn up, even though it was my healthcare ins. They don't have a credit for dental though, even though I also pay for that (her vision is now part of my healthcare, but was separate b4). If they removed the credit for ins., then fWH would owe much more.

Well, fWH is worried about OC's cell phone now. She's going around taking photos of everyone & cats etc (which is okay). But, I almost feel like that when she's showing OW our home, that she'll be keeping a tab on the cleanliness of our home. And, she's now constantly texting granny, OW, & cousin. She is home, but now spending 0 time with fWH afterschool (which was the whole point of her being afterschool w/us anyway). If she's not texting, she's calling OW. So, OW is hearing everything that goes on @home also.

One good thing that fWH did yesterday. He maintained NC, even though OW kept asking OC to give him the phone. He just told her "I don't need to talk to your mom, you already told her about this weekend." She was trying to lure him into a phone conversation (as BH#2 wouldn't even know she'd spoken w/him, if she didn't tell him - wouldn't show as calling our #, only OCs). She kept insisting, but fWH kept telling OC no. We sent her a note about this weekend, spring break, summer break (the week we want to keep her), about OW's b-day which custody papers say she keeps OC instead of us, & about OW keeping OC (getting her from school) the day DS10 has Dollywood field trip because I convinced fWH & DS13 to go also w/me when I chaperone (we have to drive private vehicles anyway & fWH hasn't been there since DS13 was 1 or 2). I was surprised, but glad that fWH insisted on remaining NC. It doesn't always happen that way, but it's good when he remembers how I feel about it. Honestly, most info can be relayed through me via texting or through OC's backpack. I lied to OC & told her that fWH cannot receive texts from anyone except me....I only really blocked OW's #s & other people in her family. I'm concerned that OW might attempt to text fWH on OC's phone, so I'm probably going to have to block OC's texting for my sanity.

I see that phone for OC is going to be a problem. I told her, you cannot be up texting @night on school nights & your homework needs to still get done. She said okay, her work was done. But, she also said "momma lets me stay up until 10pm on school nights, if I'm good." How nice. OC gets up around 6am, w/only about 7-7.5 hrs of sleep. We have 9pm bedtime because DS10 & OC9 are hard to wake up (unless DS10 has excessive homework). No wonder OC's so tired & falls asleep sometimes the moment she gets into fWH's truck or on her bed @3pm. fWH suspects that OW falls asleep & just leaves OC up watching TV @all hours...that maybe that's why she has so many cavities because nobody is making her clean her teeth. We already know that OC doesn't bathe each night, but there's no reason for a girl who has frequent pee accidents to be not showering daily. If she can stay up late for TV etc, why can't she bathe late? We told OC that if she misbehaves, that now the phone can be lost as punishment (we've been disconnecting CATV). She said "it's my phone, you cannot take it away from me." We basically told her, that her behavior dictates whether she can use the phone @our home for texting etc. And, I told her that if we find her up late texting OW, granny, cousin, etc., that we would take it overnight & turn it off (like we do w/DS13s netbook & PSP due to web browsing @night and DS10s PSP/Gameboy for playing @night). She basically told fWH that he isn't allowed to do anything about her phone....hmmmm. I can see, this is going to be a problem. 9-year-old texting @all hours. She wouldn't even quit texting in car, when fWH told her to stop because all the beeping & buzzing was annoying (we all took OC to dropoff yesterday because rest of us were going out-2-dinner). New house rule, Thurs is no-game night (no Xbox/PSP/etc) and also eat-out night. Now that we have additional $$$ for food (from DS13/DS10 checks), we aren't scrounging for food money @end-of-month & can actually afford to eat out on weeks that aren't fWH's SSD pay weeks. I told him I wanted sit-down restaurants instead of takeout....he & DS13 rarely leave house & that's just not good.

Hope everyone has great weekend.

OC is w/OW, 2xDSs are going to my mom's Sat night after DS10 goes to a pool party from 1-3pm w/me for his classmate. fWH & I have house to ourselves for one night & most of Sunday. UFC fighting on PPV Sat night & then a LifetimeMovieNetwork "Amish Grace" movie @8pm Sunday, after boys get home.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:22 AM, March 26th (Friday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Repeat,

Why in the world does a 9 year old have a cell phone?

Does the Cs calculator do thoer states or just TN?

Glad H stayed NC


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
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