Repeat: WOW, just WOW. Sounds like it is a blessing that only one child was concieved with OW in your case. Dealing with her being a OC and then a holly terror on top of it, has just got to put you on your witts end sometimes.. Wish there was an easy solution for you to correct this behavior, but like others have mentioned it maybe her way of justifying her lack of stability that COM have. Some children do show these kinds of behavior to get the attention they feel they are lacking. Not saying she is not getting the attention she deserves, but in her eyes it may not be what she truly needs. A child psychologist may be able to destinguish what the underlying problem is.
OW texted FWH on Easter day, yes again on another holiday. This women is just out to wreck every freaken holiday for me. She texted "Happy Easter My Love... Wish u were waking up with us and playing bunny hunt. Then I should be next to u today as the dr gives the results. The family would need me well all but 2 of them.. U know im here for u and them at all times please please let me know asap. We love you" On Easter sunday we were on our way to visit FIL in hospital out of state. So I found this text before leaving that morning. Ow proceeded to tell me that all I will ever be is a step mom, because I gave up my motherly rights. ( Because I put my only child up for adoption when a teenager) Can not have children since...
Well FIL passed, and now OW is showing up at MIL house and acting like she is there for different reasons, but we all know what her true intentions are...
My question is this if OW shows up at services for FIL, how should we (FWH and I) handle any communications with OW. I have this icky feeling she will try to come up to FWH and give him a hugg for comforting purposes. Yeah RIGHT!!!
Ow has been trying to tell me that there is more to her and FWH relationship, and it is none of my business what her and FWH do... Excuse me but last I checked I am married to the man, and its all my business. I wish she would just fall of the face of this earth, and soooon!!!
This service is suppose to be about my FIL, not her I know this, but it has got me on such nerves.. I'm freightened of what might happen. I am wondering about how MIL introduces OW to family memebers. This is FWH twin boys, and this is their mother OW, and yes he is still married to his wife of 25 years. Like how do you explain all this to people who have no idea...
I am sorry you lost FIL. I know the hospital scenes were especially difficult.
I guess you just go to funeral & behave like a lady. Why would OW bring twins to funeral? I didn't even let my sons go to my Nana's funeral. I was worried it would upset them too much, to see me crying like that. OW is not family, OCx2 are. They will not remember FIL.
And, don't let OW get you about letting your child for adoption. You did what was necessary for your child to get the life it deserved & that you weren't yet capable of providing. There is no shame in that. There is shame in conceiving mOM's child & harassing his BW though.
I'm not sure if your fWH is still foggy or what, I remember it seemed like he was a short while back (when FIL was hospitalized). Be there to support fWH @funeral. Honestly, two tiny children & a non-relative have no business @funeral...maybe at a get-together afterwards to see distant relatives of OCx2, but not @funeral. Maybe, if you're lucky, OC will pitch fits & she'll have to take them out into hallway or leave altogether.
I have always feared that when FIL/MIL pass away, that OW will try to show up, introducing herself to family. Most family do not even know OC exists (as we don't have family reunions or anything). Most people would assume OC is mine, unless OW made herself known. I guess, if MIL/FIL pass, OW & her mom would probably show up...since "granny" and OW tried to make themselves welcome as family after fWH was injured.
I am sending prayers for WH & relatives...and to you, for comfort & peace.
Why doesn't he just find some way to block OW's texts....if there's emergency about OC...she can call your cell or home (or MIL for that matter).
Walk away from OW if she tries to get chummy. If she has OCx2 w/her, completely ignore OW and just ooohh & awwww over twins. I personally give OW dirty looks, if she insists on trying to socialize @events for OC....but, she's basically stayed away from us since fWH told her they "weren't friends" and that BH#2 "isn't his friend either."
I think she does feel the stress in both homes, after EA/PA#3 happened...even though she doesn't know why.
I know, her idea she told MIL was that fWH & OW should be married and that BH#2 & I should be married. Well, that's not happening! OW might want my leftovers/sloppy 2nds, but I certainly do not. BH#2 would never be my H, if we D.
Is OW trying to make IL's move or something? I thought BIL & OW were setting up a new mobile home with ILs financial support.
Yes, it does hurt when ILs do things for OC & not your COM. It even bothered me when ILs would care for niece & not COM. It is good that COM is enjoying daycare though. It will give COM opportunity to gain social skills, build immunity for childhood illness, & learn school skills (ABCs, shapes, holding crayons/pencils, numbers, writing etc.) I regret not making DS13 go to preschool 1 yr, before kindergarten....he knew squat (they now learn 2 read some in K. DS was really far behind on learning alphabet).
So, if BIL is jobless mooch, why are ILs caring for OC instead of BIL? Is he home during days, or jobhunting?
I do not believe she will bring the OCx2 to funeral, but I am almost positive she will attend. Just to make her presence known, for MIL.. LOL
FWH is no longer foggy, he has ignored almost all communication OW does, out of spite.. I am not ashamed of my adoption process, but it does hit a core issue with me, and she knows that. That is why she does stupid, thoughtless actions like she does. I just have to keep telling my self she is not important.
I don't believe she will attend the get together afterwards, as we are hosting that at our home, and Hell NO is not welcome in my home....
FWH and I have been doing exceptionally well, with all things considered.. The only communication OW makes is on special occassions, and holidays. I guess it is her way of trying to make my life miserable, on my special moments with FWH. I just have to always remember it is her stalking attempts, and her evil ways of trying to still destroy our morriage at any cost. It is just proving more and more to FWH what type of person she really is. Karma will hit this women so hard, my head will spin. LMAO can not wait for God to serve her, her punishment for being so desrespectful to another human being..
Thank you for the your prayers, and support. Best wishes to you all.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
Everyone has been as supportive of me as I have tried to be to everyone, and I appreciate it. Thanks to all of you.
Dreamer1, sometimes you have to make an unpopular decision at the time to look into what is best for the future, I believe that is what you did and there is nothing wrong with that. What a bitch she is! Anybody with an kind of common decency would not use your FIL passing (I am so sorry about your loss)as a coming out party so to speak. If she does come, I hope she looks stupid in front of everyone. I will be thinking of you.
((altered)) I pray for you, I don't know how you do it hon. I hope that you can get out of that situation, I see it blowing up soon and I hope you don't get any hurt out of it.
((repeat)), I think there maybe a couple of things going on. The jealousy thing does sound possible, but I also think that it maybe also pre-adolesence. I know she is only 9, but kids these days are growing up fast. Maybe she needs a counselor to deal with the many changes going on in her life.
((finesse)), thanks, how are things going in your situation?
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:19 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]
I believe she will look very out of place, as we have a very large family. MIL is the youngest of 16 children, and I have built a relationship with FWH family over the course of our 25 years together, so there is no way that OW will even feel the least bit comfortable around those who all adore me. I just keep thinking in my head, to get through this with my head up, "Is everyone loves a good love story, and that is what FWH and I have, after all this" I no now that I am superior to OW in so many ways, and have nothing to be ashamed of... Now she on the other hand, will only prove what type of person she really is, if she shows..
FWH and I will be talking tonight on what is the best solution to handle OW if she does present herself to him, for any kind of comfort.. I will let him make the decision that will best suit us.. I feel that if we do discuss the situation prior it may be more comforting for both of us. We will both be their for greivance and do not want other things to take away from the support we will both need, we know why we are there, and will have to assume her reasons for being present, and how to best handle any situation that may come up. I just do not want to be caught off guard if OW tries to hugg on FWH, that could actually set me off. Which we all know would not be appropriate timing.
Thank you all for your prayers..
[This message edited by Tibiria at 2:24 AM, April 15th (Thursday)]
BMC, I hope things work out best for you. You have been so supportive and fought so hard for your kids.
Tiberia, married or unmarried, the OC affects us all. It hurts to invest so much into a relationship and a stupid, selfish decision threatens all you’ve built. About the only advise I can give is be a united front, talk about everything regarding OC, WBF may not know what he wants now, my FWH was in denial everything I asked, the answer was “I don’t know”. I pretty much just wrote up my opinions and when he was ready, told him what I felt about it. Boundaries are huge, because OW will try to step all over them, how involved is WBF with OW’s pregnancy? Does she try to update him? Shoulder-cry? Is he NC?
Repeat, it is very hard sometimes. ILs love COM, but it still burns me when OC is at their house while COM is in daycare. I decided that if ILs don’t want to watch COM after MIL recoups from surgery, I’ll do what I have to in order to pay for daycare. IL's are moving to mobile home by us, OW and BIL are taking their old 2 BR house. BIL and OW have no jobs, OW works on ILs house, moving stuff, covering septic line etc. BIL feigns illness and sits on his a$$. OW was complaining to FWH about it how BIL is just not doing what he used to, FWH just tried to stay out of it. The trainwreck is coming, most likely. I hope OW burns bridges before her and BIL M. I feel bad for the kids though, at least OC is too young to understand.
[This message edited by altered at 10:52 AM, April 15th (Thursday)]
I texted OC (who was supposed to be on bus coming to our house). Wanted to know if this was our Thurs or OWs, since we kinda flip-flopped for OW's b-day and Spring Break time OW allowed us to keep OC.
OW texted me back...OC left her cell in OW's purse.
Just my luck.
OC was supposed to get haircut yesterday. OC told me no church due to pastor's wife having death in family. Even when this happens, Wed dropoff is always 15min early (unless OW texts & says otherwise...she hadn't said a thing). We're waiting, waiting, waiting. It's getting about 10 min past pickup time. OW calls & apologizes. She said since there was no church tonight, she forgot it was Wednesday & she'd be there in 7 minutes.
OC wanted hair cut slightly above shoulders. fWH called & said "I don't know if I have a daughter on the bus or not...OC's hair is up to her ears!" He's mad. He told OW once before when she got it chopped off, to never cut that short again. OW, OC, & toddler sister now all have boy hairdos. OW actually let her own hair grow out the longest I've ever seen it during EA/PA#3, because fWH loves long hair on women. Anyway...fWH is going to send a note about OC's hair. OC said "I didn't want it this short & I told momma how much I wanted cut. When momma told them how much to cut, she told them to chop it all off." I bet OC threw a fit @salon when she saw how short it was. fWH said she really does look like a boy because it's so short.
Threats of D, might bring wS out of fog & loss of COM, but it's only a small amount of leverage to keep fWH around (not to guarantee fidelity). I honestly feel if COM didn't exist, fWH would've probably left me for OW during A#1 & surely after OC was conceived during A#2.
Don't feel weird because you aren't M. As a woman in a relationship with wBF, you expected him to remain exclusive with you (especially if you live together & have a more-stable homelife together). Even if exclusively dating only, you'd expect the same.
There's no shame in being angry for his A & for OC.
R is a gift you give him. If you choose to move forward w/R, you need to set some boundaries about OW. He needs to make decisions about whether he is NC w/OC. You can also decide for yourself about visitation w/OC. He needs to love & respect you, no matter what.
In terms of support, you can probably expect to be a caregiver for OC (if he has visitation) especially if wBF has never been around babies before. You can expect that he'll have all feelings for OC (which is awkward for me, seeing fWH love a child that isn't mine - almost like "how dare he love a child he didn't conceive w/me!"). You might expect anger/tantrums about how OW is behaving in the whole situation (she might be a real witch to deal with, she might try to make fWH feel guilty for not being a family w/her instead-since he's not married, she might be neglectful, she might try to keep OC from having visitation, she might try to suck wBF's income dry).
You will deal w/all the same issues as the rest of us have. Plus, you won't have ILs to support you & ILs may even bond well with OC and maybe adore OW.
We are here to support you & don't feel strange being here...we all have ups & downs related to OC issues.
It is sad, that any of us might let OW ruin our relationship with wBF/wS....just because an innocent child. But, it happens. OC is probably a deal-breaker for most having to deal w/this situation. OC is constant reminder of the A...for everyone involved.
Best thing to do, put the boundaries there, which means contact goes thru you, and keep them. Stay a united front, because if she sees a crack in there, she will take it as sign to keep on trying. As hard as it is, treat it like a business deal. No emotion, you and get angry, cry however else you want to feel after you get off the phone with her or receive the email. Don't engage her, both of you acting like she is Joe schmoe on the street will make her get the message real soon. She will also try to get friendly with you to keep the link to your H. The next thing you know you will be champing her cause with your H! Happens all the time. That is why I say handle it as a business deal. "I will speak to him concerning contact, but I will not force a decision, and I will support him in whatever we ultimately decide." I didn't even let my H come with me when I picked up the kids. My children, and their boyfriends came with me. OW never saw my H for over a year until the court dates. Best thing nip it in the bud before it get too far.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:56 AM, April 16th (Friday)]
With each day that passes, I am less confident that we can work through this. He is so confused and distraught and feels like he has no control over anything or what he should do. He is torn because he says this made him realize how much he wanted to be with me, but at the same time he is having difficulty walking away from the situation because that would be a selfish thing to do and being selfish is what got him in this mess in the first place and he is trying to be a better person...
IC has really helped me to understand that I am strong and that I don't NEED him. And that I need to make the decisions that will make me happy - and that it's okay if I am not happy dealing with WBF/OW/OC...
WBF has also not told his family yet. I think they will have a mixed reaction - I think his mom will be thrilled to have a grandchild, but I don't think they will be very happy about the circumstances. I almost outed him to his family in a fit of anger - but no one answered when I called and I didn't leave a message...
I have had a couple of hectic days and haven't been on a lot this week. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am glad you are talking with H. As you said time will tell.
I am praying for you PM me if you need anything.
I’ve been dropping in to read posts but haven’t had much to contribute lately.
(((Trying))) – when I read you post my heart went out to you because I know how you feel – on so many levels. My H has decided to be NC with the OC and although this makes my life somewhat “easier” – I struggle with guilt for the OC. The OC didn’t deserve to be born into this life but the reality is that no one can change the circumstances of his birth.
When I first found out about the OC I felt a tremendous amount of pressure to “do the right thing” – for me, for the OC, for my H, and even for the OW (mostly in terms of financial support). I think that this is what healthy, functional people do – they have compassion for other people and try to find solutions to situations that will be viable and supportive to all involved. Unfortunately, when an OC is born, the parents are not necessarily healthy, functional people – and the BS, finds themselves in “crazy land” trying to be the moral compass for the whole situation. For me, after several stressful and emotional months of trying to figure out the “right thing” I realized that there is no “right thing” – the whole thing is a one big hot mess, but it is not MY mess. With this realization, I decided that it was not up for me to “solve” the fiasco that H and OW created.
As harsh as it sounds, the OC is not my child and I did not decide to bring this child into the world knowing that it wouldn’t have a father. The OW made this decision on her own – for her and her child. I live with the consequences of her decision, but I try not to live with the guilt. Likewise, my H’s decision to be NC with the OC was also not my decision… I told him that I would support him either way, but it was not my decision to make. (At the time that I said this, I was in the throes of trying to do anything I could to save my marriage – even if it meant a life with OC… a year later, now that the storm is subsiding, I don’t know that I was being realistic with myself and I am not sure I could have stayed had he decided to have C.) Do I think less of him for choosing not to be part of the OC’s life? Yes – sometimes I do… I don’t think that it was the courageous choice and it is probably not the choice I would have made (not that I would ever be in his situation), but again NC was not my choice to make. And then other times I wonder… maybe NC was the courageous choice, my H was not involved in the decision to have this child and he is doing whatever it takes to save his marriage and sparing me additional pain—maybe that is courageous. Things are just not black and white… it is ALLLLLL gray.
I also struggled with who should know about OC. I am one of those people that is a terrible liar because I would prefer to just tell the truth and face the music. That said, initially, I felt that I HAD to tell my family and H’s family but I also knew that once the “truth” came out there was no turning back and the consequences could impact the rest of my life (though I knew my parents would be supportive no matter what, I also knew that it would break their hearts). I have since decided not to tell them… for now… and I am at peace with that.
My point in all this is … don’t drive yourself crazy trying to do the right thing… the most courageous, “right” thing you can do, is to do the right thing for YOU. In this situation you don’t OWE anyone anything… you just owe it to yourself to find a path that you can live with.
The other difficult lesson that I have learned through this nightmare is that my H and I are not the same person – we see the world differently… we believe different things… we feel differently about things. Of course there are enough intersections between for us to still have a rich relationship, but seeing him as his own, unique, self-thinking person has allowed me to somehow separate myself from his deception and forgive myself for not knowing that the A was going on. I no longer assume that I know what he is thinking or feeling, instead I ask.
As far as the OW is concerned BMC is 100% right, this is TYPICAL behavior. In my case, even though OW “didn’t want anything to do with Mr. Surviving” – she found every opportunity to call, email and text him. I think she got a bad case of post-partum panic when she realized that being a single mom wasn’t going to be as easy as it is on TV—and she wanted someone to help. It goes without saying that affair participants aren’t really critical thinkers when it comes to consequences, so instead of thinking these things through BEFORE they get pregnant the reckoning happens AFTER they give birth. Consequences are a bitch.
(((BMC))) I have you in my thoughts.