I was 8 months pregnant with my first and only DD1 when he likely impregnated a 25-year-old Ethiopian immigrant nursing student. He kept it secret for a year, until the baby was two months old, and the OW found me on facebook and sent me a message. DDay was in the middle of a blizzard 18 Dec. She took the baby back to Ethiopia before paternity was established, left it there and is now back without the baby. My WS is doing everything possible to make things right, but I'm just not sure there's any way I can deal with this OC and woman for the rest of my life. Our babies are less than 8 months apart. She looks like a black and white mixed version of my DD. The pictures slay me. We are separated but talking a lot. I'm now declaring bankruptcy, giving my house back via foreclosure and starting over. By the way, I failed to mention that I was supporting WS completely for 1+years while he was "starting his own business" when he cheated. Also an EA less than one year into our marriage. PA with a different OW less than three. I'm definitely done taking care of him. Now I have to decide if he's capable of taking care of me, my child, his family and professional life, and potentially the situation with this OC. I may just have to move on, and let my DD have a wonderful father divorced from her mother. Otherwise I fear I will be the mean wife/mom who nags and is sad, instead of the light-hearted, smiling, peaceful person that I am known for being. Four months later and the triggers from this women returning from Africa are undoing all progress I'd made in my heart. Now I'm back to just taking care of me, and feeling numb and strong and way too serious. just existing again, one day and breath at a time. i don't want to do this for the next 30 years.
[This message edited by stretch13 at 7:17 AM, April 22nd (Thursday)]
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
Take care of you. The A is hard enough, your H keeping OC a secret just makes it harder I imagine. The lying was the hardest part to come to terms with, for me. I kept thinking "if there was no OC, would he have EVER told me?" FWH says he would have, he was eaten up by guilt and would've told me, but who really knows.
I worry sometimes about our DD being angry when she grows up, angry at FWH, at me for staying, at the whole family for accepting OW. I guess that's nothing I can control and worrying about it just hurts me. All we can do is just what is best for ourselves and try to be the best mothers we can.
OW and BIL are not eloping I guess so they can show off their "great love". They are moving the wedding up because FWH's uncle is dying and may not live until Aug.
FWH told uncle, aunt and his cousin about A and OC and said BIL is marrying OW. He also stressed it was his mistake and that we were trying to work things out. Uncle griped out FWH big time, said he "thinks the world" of me and said he needed to "straighten stuff out".
it's funny - i worry that if i leave my WS, my daughter will be angry with me for not forgiving her sweet, bumbling father. but i don't want her to think i'm mean if/when i snap at him, or as we work through problems, or OW creates drama later and i get mad.
i don't know how you are dealing with the BIL/OW thing. this is all just so much. i was doing so much better (denial) when she was out of the country. now the reality that my dd may have a half sister is hitting me all over again... that i probably won't ever give her a real sibling now, but she already has one.
i mean, i imagine having both of them out somewhere and the questions. they are two different colors but aged almost like twins. too much too much.
i can't help but think this would be less painful if i could just move on and deal with that kind of pain instead. at least it has the hope of ending, of being replaced by a sane relationship someday. i feel like staying is just accepting a rollercoaster of days like this until i die. even if most or a lot of them are good, i'm not sure it's worth these days and worse. it's all just starting for us.
i'm all over the map today. thinking too far ahead. crying every other hour, which i never do. thank you all for being here.
But, my H is going to apply for a new job - my brother would be his manager. He is having a hard time getting is 40 hours right now at work and it has been that way since last July. It is killing our budget/debt reduction plan. My dad mentioned that my brother will have an opening soon and is looking for another employee and my dad passed it on to my H. But if he is hired, H will have to notify CS office to have his payment w/h (only option in our state if CS is court ordered). I'm not sure if my brother will actually handle that as there is an HR dept - brother manages a division on the company.
But the money is better because while it is a lower wage, they get nearly 20 hours of OT every week. Plus insurance is completely covered for the family. I do have to make sure that my pregnancy will be covered, but it should since we would be going straight from one group plan to another.
So I'm a bit nervous about the whole situation. H said if it gets out then he is ready to just deal with it. I'm just not 100% sure that I am, ya know.
That said I understand your fears - it is a little close for comfort.
Like you FWH and I have decided not to tell our families - though I think/worry that someday they will probably find out. If we manage to have children in the future I feel that I will have to tell them the truth - that they have a sibling out in the world somewhere - and how can I tell them the truth and then ask them to keep it a secret from the rest of the family. I am not sure how all this will play out in 18 years but it is something that I think/worry about fairly often. I basically feel like I will have another d-day in 18 years.
Want2bok- we are also not telling family right now... well, MY family, OW made sure to contact as much of H's family via myspace and FB post Dday (effing bitch). We were at my H's work Christmas party, and someone asked him if our DD daughter was his first, and he says "Yes" right in front of the woman who handles all the CS garnishments. I wanted to crawl into a hole, I bet she was thinking "What a POS". Oh well, I guess it's better than answering "No, I had an affair and knocked the whore up, so I have another daughter barely a year older than this daughter".
Sorry, I am having a rough day. Our DD is turning 1 so I just quit breastfeeding, my hormones and emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE, and my H just found out his work scheduled him to be in another state for the entire week before Mother's Day, so he will be missing it AND OUR DD's 1ST BIRTHDAY. Bad day.
He doesn't want to as it embarrasses him and would drag him through the mud. Like I care!? I didn't do this. Why can't he face what he's done!? He just wants to skate by. I can't let the lawyer go. Ow needs to know he won't be bullied. The lawyer would at least help that.
Anyway....I think I'm headed towards. D. I'm miserable. I've done all I could. Gave all I had and the greatest gift.....it wasn't enough.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
He should WANT a lawyer. These women are capable of ruining the men financially.
Want2help - OW threatened to contact H's mom, but for some reason she didn't. H told her that if she didn't, he would have absolutely nothing to do with OC ever. I'm not sure that it is true, but it was enough for her to keep her mouth shut. I'm sorry your H will be gone for your DD's b-day. My H was traveling right after d-day and it was SO hard.
Finesse - I'm sorry that your H is being stubborn. Yes a lawyer would be in HIS best interest, but my H has a hard time with it too. I'm sorry that it has come to this for you, but you have to do what is best for you and your COM.
H came over that night (we're kinda of separated?) and we talked about our m and oc.
We do not have com. :(. We were trying last Jan up until the A.
This is the first grandson. :(
Anyway, I told him that I ha given up many things because I wanted to be with him. But I would not let the lawyer and paternity go. I said I know what that could mean for us and I have accepted that, but I could not live with myself if I stayed without a lawyer and paternity. I explained again how it isn't for me, but to protect him and to show ow he means business and will not be walked over. He said okay and what else do I need.
He actually started the conversation by apologizing for getting angry that morning about it all. I told him it was okay that I understood that he wasn't angry at me but at the choices he ha made. It didn't hurt any less, but I understood.
Then we talk about having our own kids, how to handle ow (kind of, blech) and us in general, ie moving home. I asked him how he is going to help me feel safe in our m. He said he guessed he'd do the things he's always done. I stared at him....then he says, maybe that won't be enough. Lol duh!!
Anyway, he came upstairs to bed on his own. Grabs me and pulls me into him. The first time since before the A. Morning, same thing. I wa crying, and he came to me and asked what he could do, rubbed my back and all. Nice, but I'm not holding my breath.
I have a question....how many actually make it through this!? My ic thought we could if H tried....I just don't know.
I had a panic attack this mornin lg with mind movies of them sleeping together and of H holding oc. I don't know if I can do this. I thought I could. I wanted to. But now it's four weeks away and I am dying!! Ugh. I love h. I do, but this is crazy!
Perhaps it's a dip....I just don't know anymore.
I also have a trip right after oc is born. H isn't going, how do I deal with that?!!
I'm scared, guys.
((Finesse)), you are right to not back down on the lawyer and the DNA, it is very important. Feel free to share my story about how my H took care of 2 OC that turned out not to be his for 4 years! Or even look back at our older threads of some of the members who have so much CS taken away from their families because of OC, they barely can eat every month. There is a chance that OC is not his, and you should know what you are dealing with. One of the hardest things is awaiting the birth of OC, but other members have survived it, and you can too. Again I say you have to determine what you can live with. You can't stay in limbo awaiting for his feelings to go up and down, and believe I know what it is like. I had to get to a point of indifference, I can live without him. Don't get me wrong I love my H and I want my marriage, but I will not die if he walks out the door. 3 years ago that was not the case I fell to pieces. When trying to R you can't get back what you had because that is tainted, you have to rebuild a new relationship and a lot of it depends on the attitude of the WS. A lot of us do ourselves a disservice by reacting to everything our WS does or doesn't do, you will drive yourself crazy living that way. Before you go on your trip, tell him what your expectations are concerning the OC, if he breaks them, then you must decide if you can live with that. Hugs to you.
((Stretch)) welcome to our group. I am so sorry that you are going thru this. It does seem to me that you have given this some thought and deciding to not take care of him and clean up his messes is a good start. We lose so much in this situation, not just our families sometimes. This will be a roller coaster no matter which way you go and I wish you luck in your decision.
We all have accepted so much in this situation,all I can say is don't sacrifice your dignity, or your own self-worth by letting OW/OC continue to control your relationship. I say that with all sincerity.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:47 AM, April 24th (Saturday)]
I wouldn't have said or asked anything today, but....
WH calls and tells me he is heading out for his oldest friends bachelor party (he doesn't drink or like strippers)...they are going to a game tomorrow and he let me know earlier that he may go up tonight. Anyway, so he tells me right away. Then he says, "I have some news I don't want to tell you." So of course I am thinking the WORST! OW is in labor, ow is demanding stuff, WH talked to ow, whatever! He tells me that his sister is three months pregnant.
I don't know why but I lost it. I was in a store and had to leave. F!! I feel like once things kind of go my way they just all apart. I know it shouldn't matter that she's pregnant. EVERYONE is freaking pregnant! But it was my turn. WH and I were trying last January.....then the A happens. Then OW is expecting. Then I miscarry....now WH wants to wait even longer for us to have kids....I have been waiting for three years!!! (we've been together 8) SIL thought she couldn't get pregnant, so this is good, but she convinced WH to HAVE THE A. Well, duh, cause she cheats on EVERYONE SHE'S EVER BEEN WITH! She isn't married (of course! Everyone who is pregnant in my life isn't) and she's only known the father for 6 months. I am dying here.
It just isn't fair.
I know that it shouldn't bothe me. BUT IT DOES! IT FREAKING DOES!
Why is it that a whore (sorry mods!) can get my H's baby, I loose mine, and now someone who can't get pregnant is!? And I have to live with OC, OW, no family, and a freaking A?!?!?!?!
WHAT THE HELL WORLD!??!
Seriously, I cannot catch a break.
I don't know what to do. H was mad because I got upset. What did he expect? He tells me this news and then goes off for guys weekend? I have to suffer alone AGAIN! Whatever.
I don't know if I can do this anymore. I just want to walk away or give up, or end everything.
Am I being crazy?!
I feel like it.
I hate this.
And no you are not crazy, you have every right to feel the hurt that you feel. Him not understanding that hurt is a problem. It took me a while to learn don't think everything is good in someone's life because you never no what goes on behind closed doors. You can't make your H change, or do anything. All you can do is control you. I am so sorry.
No, I don't think our own child would fix H. I know that. I know it wouldn't fix us. It just pains me that he's having the first child with someone else. We don't have any com. So that makes it worse.
Thanks for helping BMC. It helps alot. Truly.
Now a question....
I told WH that I would like US to meet with OW to discuss our situation and how WE want to handle it. As much as I would like HIM to set this up, I am afraid he won't. Would it be awful if I emailed ow? I know it will cause her to contact WH. And he may get pissed....should I talk to WH about it first?!
Thank you again. You guys savae me in so many ways.
I know about the guilt, it was eating my H alive and sometimes it still does, but you can't move forward in your marriage unless he can address that. They say it takes what 4-5 years to really R from infidelity, and it is so true but it takes a lot of hard work from both sides.
My H has a child from before and that did bother me when we first got married, but we had our own daughter and it didn't both me so much. But when I found out about the OC, those feelings came back again because I thought OW had same number of children with my H as I did. And it really hurt me, I was relieved when it was discovered that the twins were not his. But then, I had other feelings about how my kids were denied love and attention and money for some children that did not even belong to him. This is a little different then your situation, but I understand your feelings.
That's what I thought would happen if I contacted OW. I thought OW would use it against me and pin H and I against each other. I guess I wanted to be sure?! I'm just afraid that he won't do it when it is so desperately needed. Just like the lawyer. I don't want to keep asking him to do these things. I wish he would just to it because it's important to me and to our M, if we ae going to have one.
I just don't know anymore. I am falling apart lately.