It does get better. I would literally wake up, and think of OC before I even rolled out of bed and go into a panic attack and think "Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?!'
My Dday is almost 3 years ago, OC is now two, and I still think of it everyday, but I don't even get the heart pounding trigger feeling anymore. Only sometimes, like if I am lurking on OW's FB or something (do not do this!).
It will get better.
Whalers, I agree that you need to 180. You can find the definition in the "Healing Library" at the top left corner of the screen.
My DD and OC (girls) are 14 months apart. OC (who is older)looks very much like my H and therefore very much like my DD. All of H's daughters and his exW have carried on about HOW BEAUTIFUL OC IS (which, despite OW's swine appearance, OC is beautiful) and I constantly compare my DD (mentally, never, ever out loud, and never would I admit this to anyone).
DD however, has many of my traits, and growing up I was a pale, super gangley, freckled, gap toothed kid.
DD is a redhead, so she is very fair, and OW has pics on her myspace showing off OC's bikini tan lines at 1 year old!! My H's family have always put a lot of value on looks (and I mean A LOT. My H's dad told my stepD she was "ruining her life" if she didn't pursue modeling- and in the end they wouldn't have her). I have never heard any of my stepD's complimented for any achievement, just their looks (and it is no wonder the oldest became a stripper).
I compare their milestones, the fact that I feel I make way better parenting choices than OW, etc.
I guess I am just rambling now, but does anyone relate?
We'll shall see what will happen. H seems receptive, to a point. He knows that I will not stay in our M if he doesn't get a lawyer. He asked the other day if there was "any way around the lawyer thing". I said "Not for me." That was the day before our anniversary. He did come home and we did spend a nice day together. Although I am hoping for the best, I am not holding my breath. I gave him a deadline and I am prepared to file if he doesn't lawyer up. He knows this too. My IC (who used to be our MC) thinks that H is drowning in the shame and guilt, not to mention the stress of his job at the moment...he can't see straight. I am not excusing H, nor is IC, but IC does think H needs a wake up call. I would not be filing to try to "wake" him up, but I would be doing it for me and my own sanity.
I love my H most days. I just want to be sure he is willing to do the things I need, so that I can deal confidently with our situation and OC.
OC will be here in a matter of weeks (3-4) I am beginning to wake-up with panic attacks....anyone else experience this? I have mind movies....of H with OC and OW I am so damn scared.....Like all of you, this was not the life I dreamed of....How do I make it the life I want again?!
(((sigh))) down today....
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
I had tons of triggers in the last couple of months of OW's P. COM birthday is 2 weeks before OC's delivery date, so I was trying to hold it together for COM's birthday, holidays etc. OW was induced, but I still panicked about FWH leaving in the middle of the night for OC's birth. I was there at the hospital and it was hard, I won't lie, but it was what I needed, I was there for FWH and for me. I still get mind movies, especially since OW is literally 100 yrds from me and snuggling with BIL.
I try to tell myself that FWH was always mine, OW may have gotten his DNA, but his heart is mine and always will be.
it's human, imo, to think things like that, it's part of what i dred/fear the most if we ended up w/ a lot of contact. they are so close in age, people would think they were twins if they were the same color. but i think as long as you don't push or act on any of it...just acknowledge it, process it, and shield your kids from it as much as possible...well, that seems like the best we can expect from ourselves.
i'm doing better today but not because i'm moving closer to R. he's so sweet and a great best friend...but unpredictable and troubled as a mate. i'm not sure anyone can change as much as i really need him to. we'll see. he's adhd, btw. doesn't help.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
I have tried to 180 - but after a few days or a week into it, here comes WBF with a reason to contact me... Like this week it was because he knows I am going on a vacation in two weeks and he has my digital camera and wanted to know if I wanted it back. Rather than ask him for it, I was just planning on picking up a new one... but it was his excuse to contact me. So after I talked to him (through email) about that and I thought it was over, he emailed me about an hour later to say "And just for the record, I still consider you one of my best friends and someone who I can always count on." Yeah, wish I could say the same...
I am really ready to move on (most of the time), but it's him who keeps hanging on. And that makes me feel like he is just keeping me around as a consolation prize. Yeah - no thanks.
I do have my moments of weakness, but IC said that is normal...but I do feel like they are getting farther and farther apart.
FWH had a 6 month A with his XW. They had been divorced at the time of the A for almost 15 years. They have 3 D (now 16, 18 and 20) At the time of A we'd been together for 14 and married for almost 10.
I feel like I can never get away from the A - the kids are a constant reminder, and they all knew about the A - OW/XW told them.
The frustration and anger is terrible and yet I also feel guilty because it's not the kids fault.
What a f**ked up mess.
I did compare OC & DS10. Their newborn photos looked like twins and they are 13 months apart.
I don't know if you ever get the whole truth & withholding is I suppose fWH's choice. For us, fWH withheld important deal-breaker info up until after A#3 (in 2008). If I'd have truly known that OC was an intentional pregnancy, that he was having full-blown EA/PA with OW (shortly after I'd given birth & maybe even during my pregnancy), if I'd have known he was lying about not seeing OW after finding out about pregnancy (this is a new revelation w/in last month or so)....I think I'd have done everything withhin my power to leave him with my newborn & 3-yr-old tagging along.
And, I don't know when you wake up one morning and not think of it. I had to wake-up OC this morning for school...so, with fWH/OW's shared custody, I don't think I'll have a day like that until OC grows up or when OC starts driving & I don't have much contact w/OW. (I think OC may go to a separate middle school than DS10, due to the zoning...that would be good).
And, I feel like OW is spying on us. We had to take OC's phone for grounding & used the time to browse her texts (she's had some racey texts from her 11-yr-old female cousin about dreaming of a boy staying overnight w/her @home and the family being okay w/it - not sex talk, just weird dreams her cousin is having). Anyway....OC texts OW all day & granny & her 11-yr-old cousin....and a few calls, which we didn't know about also (some around bedtime on a church night). Well, OC got up Saturday...several texts back & forth, then this text "RepeatBS326 is mowing." I don't feel comfortable about OW knowing what's going on @home. She texts her mom photos of our cats & yard flowers also. I feel like it's an invasion of my privacy.
i can't imagine what to say, you have more experience getting through these than me. i just go with, "everything changes." that sucks and saves me...all in the same breath
I don't want any of you guys to think that this has been all horrible for 10+years. I was resolved to the "shit happens" idea, when I was in-the-dark about OC's conception (well, how it really happened & why). I don't really believe fWH would've ever told me that OC was planned, if EA/PA#3 hadn't happened and me ready to walk away from our M of right-about 15 years (D-day#3 was within 1.5 months of our 15th wedding anniversary).
But, it doesn't really help that OC is being so mean lately. I feel so protective of my COM...that I feel anger toward the whole situation, that we have to deal with someone bullying my child (DS10) and it just so happens to be his sister and I cannot react in the normal manner of going to the school & getting the child kicked from bus & possibly in-school-suspension for everything OC does @school to DS10.
And, maybe I'm not like most, but I have certain times of year that cause triggers moreso than normal.
I guess, I thought I was recovered from everything about OC (well, mostly), but the 3rd affair between fWH & OW just ripped the whole thing up again....all the mending my hard has done (based on my taking pity on a stupid fWH who had ONS & OW tricking him into pregnancy...and based on my own knowledge that OC needed a family and OW wasn't really mommy-material).
Sometimes, I wish I had a truth serum and could just administer it to fWH...then give it to OW also. And, get the whole story from them both. Of course, that's in make-believe world...somewhere like the place that THEY have travelled to and temporarily escaped responsibility & good judgment. Fairytale land...where people tell the truth, when your prince marrys you - nobody else can quite fit your glass slipper, where you and your KISA have beautiful children together and all other women disappear from the storyline/plot. Where there's always a happy ending and the wicked witch always comes to a horrible demise. I guess, both OW and I wanted the same KISA/Prince Charming. OC just doesn't fit into the normal storyline of those big-$$$ Disney movies, does she?
Well, I'm rambling. Things are okay at home. I try to trigger quietly. I've gone about hiding my triggers, like I used-2 do. Or, at least I'm trying to hide them. For the most part, we get along decently. More fights over housework & my smart mouth, than about OW lately. We are basically a united front about OC & discipline. I told him that I have fears that he will reconnect w/OW again, now that she has a vehicle & summer is close @hand.
I'm glad summer is here though....OC & DS10 argue so much. During summer months, DS10 actually misses OC during the week (as DS13 won't "play" with him on video games sometimes). And, I will only need to see OW Fri & Sun (or Monday if she lets fWH keep OC on Sun nights which is against the parenting plan, as Sun nights during summer were supposed to be OWs & she gets credit as "her" days in CS calculations). And, I don't have to get kids ready for school!
I'm not the wicked stepmother, I'm not the psycho wife who won't let fWH go. I'm the WIFE who fWH begged to not leave him. I'm the stepmother that cares for OC when she's ill & brings her changes of clothes when she has pee accidents & takes her to the dentist, optometrist, dermatologist, when fWH and OW cannot or will not. I'm the stepmother that sneaks Santa gifts into the living room @dark-thirty, so OC wouldn't know about Santa (even though OW had already told her)...I'm the stepmother who painstakingly finds birthday & Christmas gifts for OC, that make her smile. I'm the stepmother who @12midnight or 2AM washes OC's hair & pulls out nits, when she gets lice from her Auntie's house (before she comes home to our house). I'm the stepmother who helped teach Sunday school at our old church for 3rd/4th graders, so OC wouldn't be alone in her classroom.
No matter how badly that family wants my husband to be OW's husband & OC to have her dad full-time, I still deserve respect for what I have done & will do for OC. And, for behaving like a LADY, when OW has not. I am not white trash scum, because I try to R with my fWH (keeping him from being OW's live-in whatever). He is my HUSBAND and I am his WIFE, and that has not changed.
I know it's hard when triggers happen. The truth is, you can't control anything, things could fall apart tomorrow, but you can control yourself. You are strong, you are committed, you are an amazing woman who has taken on what a large number of women wouldn't touch with a 10 ft pole. Your WH may or may not see that, but what's important is that you see it. Believe in you. You know you are better than that bottom-feeding trashbag ho. You are a better stepmother than OW is as a mother, you are a better wife, mother and person for no other reason than because you would not even consider treating people the way you have been treated, because your family is important to you, because you are a good person. Fantasy land sounds great, but it's bullsh#t, reality always happens.
Keep your head held high, you are awesome!
We all deserve kudos for what we've done concerning our waywards & OW. Whether the OC is a made-up fantasy, whores trying to pin OC on fWH (when it's not even his), or a flesh&blood reality of proof of PA (and maybe EA).
Even considering and/or attempting R is hard enough, but with the prospect of OC (or confirmation of OC), takes a whole new can/case of spinich from Popeye...that most cannot swallow. OC is the codliver oil that goes down badly. I don't know if I'm stronger from this all, but I know my sanity really took a blow (and continues) from this all. In all honesty, he should be the one feeling insane for causing the whole ordeal. I will never understand NOT leaving your BW, when you have the chance, faking R, conceiving DS with BW, then conceiving OC with OW (shortly after BW gives birth)...I'll just never know. And, going back for more cake, after knowing what could've been lost...well, that's a whole new level of insanity, in my opinion. Could I have fWH locked away & given amnesia about OW? Would shock treatment work?
I'm just hoping, that when fWH gets down about our M, that he remembers how hard he fought for R this time. How I was resolved to file D and would've done it too. I hope he looks @his bicep and thinks, "THIS is what's important to me." P.S. his bicep has cross with banner (our last name), then underneath it says:
My family means everything to me. Gives me the strength to go on.
Then underneath, are the names:
I hope he always remembers, what OW almost cost him and how she has behaved after he officially filed CS & custody papers. And, how she treats me. fWH always believes he's my protector, I just wish he had protected me from himself & OW by making better decisions. What he choses to do with his body, impacts our whole family. Whether it's bringing home an OC or contracting an incurable STD (thank GOD he didn't).
As the kids age, I keep wondering what's on their minds. What do they think about how OC got here? DS13 knows about EA/PA#3 & how OC got here during A#2. I wonder what his feelings are about the whole thing.
Some people raise their kids to believe you deserve happiness, at all costs. I want to raise our children (and OC) to believe that your own happiness should be weighed against the harmony of your family & try to teach them to show their spouses & children love everyday. I know it's a lofty goal, but I set my goals high.
fWH always believes he's my protector, I just wish he had protected me from himself & OW by making better decisions.
Shortly after D-Day, WBF and I had a conversation about this... I told him I don't know if I would ever feel "safe" with him again. I used to feel so secure and protected, because he would never let anyone hurt me. I said to him, "The one person I really needed protecting from was you..." It was one of the few times I've seen him get really emotional when talking about all this...
It seems like OW and BIL only want FWH to have OC when OC is getting on their nerves. OC cries a lot (probably because they feed him babyfood which his system is not ready for) he doesn't sleep much pretty much he annoys them for what a baby usually does. When FWH says he wants to get him for visit, OW and BIL all of the sudden have something to do, maybe later. OW has texted FWH at 9:45 at night before "saying you want OC?" when OC was crying, but when FWH brings up overnights says "we'll deal with overnights when they come up".
FWH picked up OC after work for visit, BIL said the other 2 C are going to their dad's for 2 weeks in June and "guess what that means" FWH said "so you'll only have 1 child" BIL said "no, you'll have OC for 2 wks". Now FWH would like to have OC, but custody order says no overnights until 3, also if maybe they had asked, said if you don't mind clearing your calendar etc. but ordering FWH to take OC so they can most likely have time to bump uglies for their "honeymoon" just seems out of line. Besides, I work 40 hrs a week and FWH works 55, both OW and BIL are unemployed. I told FWH if he wanted OC, OW would have to either watch him during the week or pay for 1/2 of daycare (she could afford this as she gets CS).
Is FWH letting his anger at OW and BIL's manipulation keep him from getting OC, or is he setting healthy boundaries and not setting a precedent for being doormat? If it were me, I would take OW up on every overnight, babysitting opportunity, every minute she didn't want OC, document, then file for joint custody. But, I am trying to trust FWH's judgement concerning OC. I think FWH also doesn't want OC to be a burden on me either, or mess up COM's routine. COM is being tested for autism in Oct and routine is very important to her.
I just reread your post - what custody arrangement do they currently have? In our situation, OW has sole legal and physical custody since that is the default arrangement when the parents were never married. We would have to go to court to get visitation set and eventually file for joint custody if that is what my H wanted to do. Although I know that OW would not fight the visitation, not sure about the joint custody.
The OC situation is already difficult, it is best not to add to it. Terms need to be clear, the vistiation, the amount of notice given for changes,etc. and followed. I always tell people, treat this situation like a divorce case,custody is spelled out. Its even more important here. Hugs to you.
In our case, there was no legal custody/CS set. He got his name formally put on the BC after DNA & went through the health dept to do that. Somehow, even fWH's parentage never made it to social security records, though she has a newer card w/our last name after DNA positive. When fWH filed for disability & also got extra checks for each child, we had to take OC's BC down, so they would tie his SSN to OC, like they do with mothers.
fWH had agreement w/OW about visitation, but we ended up having OC much more than that. fWH was happy, knowing OC was cared for/provided for @our home much better than w/OW. But, I did feel burdened by his choice. I wanted to support him, but yet resented the fact that I did not choose to give birth to another child and due to his schedule (graveyard), I was basically a single parent @night with 4-yr-old, 1-yr-old, & newborn. Two on formula/diapers, and one in pullups. I knew OC needed my care, but I felt conflicted because I had 2 COM who also needed me & had to be neglected @times, to care for OC (who had health issues due to their poor care & many relatives who passed her around because OW didn't want to step-up & be the parent).
Whatever you decide, do not feel bad about it.
Court ordered CS is based on HIM not having any overnights until 3yrs, right? Why should he go to extra expense? Can he contact a lawyer about that or CS services?
If taking off that time, isn't something he'd normally do. He might reconsider. Tell them that he pays CS already & if she would like your family to have OC extra, then it should be after daycare...after normal working hours. We have paid extra daycare ourselves, when OW got sick & we had OC an extra week...neither of us could take off work & SAHM/MIL did not volunteer to care for OC (even though she had watched our niece daily for many years as an infant/toddler).
Now that we have the papers in-place, we try to be somewhat flexible...but, if OW wants OC extra, we ask for a trade of days usually. fWH usually takes OC all extra days, except now that she's a butthead sometimes...he keeps telling OC that "if you don't want to spend weekdn w/us, I'll send OW a note so you can stay w/her instead." OC opts to come home to us instead, wonder why?
With Mother's Day coming up, I am curious to see if OW wants OC that day (per court records)...sometimes, she has been known to just let me keep her (on MD!!!!!) That's just wrong on so many levels. If I'm not mistaken, I think I may have had OC on the 1st Mother's Day for OC/or the 2nd because OW was working (she was the manager & could've scheduled herself off). Her excuse "we're not doing anything, so you can just keep her."