If it's okay with you, I'd like to keep OC all weekend. If so, I will let her ride bus Friday and get her @6PM at park.
OC told her daddy that she could come home Fri and we could take her to OW Saturday, but fWH told her "that's okay...U can go w/her Friday like the note says." I think OC was wanting fWH to put up a fuss over her. She even said "maybe momma could let you keep me next Thursday too." Well, May13 is OC's field trip date & that would mean fWH would have to run to school afterhours to get OC. Funny, that was supposed to be the Friday (5/14) that OW would keep OC because the rest of us were going on DS10s field trip until ~8PM that night. I guess, OW forgot that. fWH & DS13 aren't going now, so we can still keep OC on 5/14. I think fWH told OC that it wasn't necessary for OW to give up her Thursday :) I bet, OW will dread leaving her comfy couch to get OC when the bus arrives late after trip. OC asked OW to attend field trip, after fWH said he couldn't go (caves aren't exactly wheelchair accessible). OW (who is SAHM) said no when OC asked her to go. Why couldn't she go w/OC and let someone get toddler from daycare instead (or let granny keep her all day instead)? I did not offer to go w/OC on the trip because I was missing work the next day for DS10s trip and I'd have to drive (they have no room on buses for chaperones). OC really wanted a parent to go w/her.
I wonder which aunt or greataunt or step-granny will be keeping OC all weekend....it's rare for OW to actually keep OC when she asks for her.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 11:41 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]
I am holding up pretty well. Six months ago I thought I would be a raving lunatic at this time. Doesn't seem to really bother me. Think I have detached from the situation the last couple of months. Dr. also gave me some Lexapro couple weeks ago to help for a little bit. I think they are working pretty darn good! I told my STBXH I wanted to know as soon as he heard anything and I want to see pics. He said he would if I was sure, but wasn't sure why I would want too. This isn't odd of me, is it? Nonetheless, he better show me. Will keep all of you updated and hope everyone is making the best of this sucky situation.
My H says the same things. How could have fucked up his life like this? How could he have thrown everything away? How could have done all this?
And although I understand the pain he is in, like you, it is NOTHING compared to mine. My H is dreading the birth as well. It could come any day. I think that's why I am on constant edge as well. I still don't know what is going to happen with us or anything. He knows my non-negotionables...and has yet to comply. I gave him till the end of the week. Here we are. Granted, he has been VERY sick for two days....he actually called in sick which he NEVER does...but I don't think I should back off now. I am just not looking forward to next week and calling my lawyer. I really think he believes I won't. I am sick about all of this.
I am glad that you have meds to help you through. I have some as well, and as much as I was against them; I am glad I have them when I great truly crazy
Like you, when oc gets here, I want to see too. I don't know why, but I do. I want to see H hold oc. I HAVE to. I can't explain it. If we are going to work, I have to see it and get use to it, right?!I don't know; my IC thinks that maybe I need to see it and then I will truly know what I want to do. Maybe. I don't know.
I wish I could detach more. Every time I think I have, I have slip. UGh. I hate myself at times
Mandilwen, PM anytime. I am sitting here waiting along with you. I feel and understand your pain.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
For those of you who are many years out of this situation did you find that at first your husband was wishy washy with things or did he immediately do all the right things. I'm putting on a strong face for my kids and for him (as an I can do this without you) but I really want to reconcil on the inside.
Again I apologize for the posting and running I just had no clue who in real life to share this with. I just about cried when I saw it.
Thanks so much!!
There, that's not too evil, right?
((SunshineWanderer)) I would prolly cry if I really wanted to R with the wayward. From what I have seen on these boards, a lot of hubbies are wishy washy at first. Was your dday about a year ago? MC, IC, remorse from him? You starting the 180?
I think this made a HUGE difference, and he came home committed to R, IC, MC, and doing WHATEVER he needed to do to make us work. She showed up knocked up (in my opinion, OW's don't get "pregnant", they get "knocked up") 1 month into R.
He got to see what life with her was like. He didn't like it. He got to see me 180, and that my life DOES go on without him.
[This message edited by Want2help at 10:53 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]
i looked at pictures of the OC, just a couple of weeks ago. it destroyed me. and i don't ever want to see him even LOOK at the OC, much less hold her or bond. i told him today that he maybe should pursue a close relationship with his OC. maybe one day he'd get to a point where he'd love her the way a father should, and be able to say he was glad she happened to him. i'm not sure R with me will ever be as rewarding as that.
the OW has returned from yonder countries without babe. WH finally met with her to discuss her intentions after i flipped on him about dragging his feet. they couldn't find the starbucks they planned to meet at and ended up hashing this out in some crappy mcdonalds. she plans to bring the baby back within 3-6 months, and they both want to talk to the foreign embassy about getting paternity done sooner. she wants nothing to do with WH and he can't stand her either. turns out she's already engaged to another american guy, whom she admitted to WH she didn't want to marry but was just using for stability. so... she's 25 (or maybe 26 now), been married and divorced to an american(got her status secured), cheated on her BF with my WH, has what she claims is his baby, and is now engaged again to someone she probably won't marry. baby is 8 months old. she's living here and it's with her parents and sister in africa. she tells WH some vagueries about getting "established here" but maybe moving back to Africa, blah blah blah.
and WH insists she won't bring, or he won't allow her to bring, drama into our lives if we R. HAHA! sometimes i look at him and see a complete imbecile.
i can see the sincerity all over him. he desperately wants to R and is committed to real steps. i believe it. i'm just not sure i can handle it...the "codliver oil" of the OC. i'm leaning toward the 10' pole-solution. i told him today that it may take longer than he's already known me to get me back. right now, i still fantasize about R, but, like 5-10 years from now...if it's meant to be. if not, i'll be over it by then and have seen 100 things that make me think, i made the right decision for me and DD1.
question for anyone who might know: i plan on getting an MSA drawn up with CS for my DD1 in it, for use if we D. where i live, we have to be separated for a year before D, and i don't want OW to file for CS before mine is established and get more $$. she makes nothing, so there will be nothing left for my DD1 since i'm the primary breadwinner and make more than WH. does anyone know if the CS will apply if it's only in an MSA and not a final D? i will talk to a lawyer, but just curious if anyone had any experience or advice.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
i'm glad i was still in the dark during childbirth, i'm not sure DD and i would have made it.
[This message edited by stretch13 at 1:29 PM, May 7th (Friday)]
i mean, i want the whole thing to just go away...but it can't. i love kids. i am a father's little girl. i just can't be what stands in the way. i feel the same way about my DD1 knowing she has a half sister someday and allowing a relationship if it's desired and appropriate. (not sure how OC will turn out if she sticks around the US with OW).
anyway, i don't feel like NC would fix things for me. i'd wonder, maybe more than him, about that little girl out there...sometimes hating her, sometimes pitying her. i wouldn't know how to look at him if he denied her but showered our DD with his attention like he does. that's my problem. it seems so selfish. i can't stand the only solution that i think is the "right thing."
of course, he may have no choice. that kid may never set foot back in the US. who knows. maybe it's not even his? i can't hang on that hope, especially not for months or longer, especially since the likelihood is very high that she is. (maybe intentional).
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
I had a bit of a meltdown today when I realized that this is now a day that WSO and OW will share together... and that bothers me.
((Whalers11)) I know it must be difficult dealing with these emotions on a day like today.
OW had the baby on Saturday. I guess it was a girl because she was in pink! My boys looked like girls, and this baby girl looks like a boy. It probably is my husbands just going off of that. She looks just like her mother, though, so can't really tell. My husband doesn't think it looks anything like him, but who knows? I think she has my H's lips, but H and OW look A LOT alike. Big noses and big lips. I told him that baby is going to be nothing but nose and lips, and I was right, lol! She is healthy and I guess OW had a dissapointing labor. Serves her right!
I am doing well, just moving things into my apartment and wrapping up this divorce. I hope that she doesn't move over here and become my children's step mommy, but I cannot control the actions of other people so I just try to ignore those thoughts.
I hope everyone here has a Happy Mother's Day and want to thank you all for sharing your struggles and insight. Only Lord knows where I would be right now without this site and you ladies! (((HUGS)))
It gets better. I have known about A for almost 2 years, and OC for about 7 months. OC was pretty much a dealbreaker on top of everything else he has going on, so my path has been clear for awhile. I think that is what gets a lot of people hung up, what path to take? Only you can know, and it is not an easy choice. Both of them suck, so I just followed my mind instead of my heart. It eventually caught up! And I have learned to love "me" more than anything else. Judging by reactions I get from people nowadays, this is the best thing I could have done! It really shows and I shine! Good luck to you Wahlers!
mandilwen - thank you, you are inspiring me. my WH isn't a total douche, but he's also not the dreamy guy i fell in love with. his "potential" may just be what i and others see, but something that will never come to fruition. i don't want to miss him forever, hurt when he goes for someone else, etc. and i don't want to see him break my DD1's heart if he gets really flakey or moves away. i tell myself my feelings will change and he will likely make me glad of my decision as time goes by. it's nice to hear the battle of mind and heart coming out the way it has for you. i'm in the bloody, teary throws of that battle now.
eyesopennow - take it slow. it's one hell of a rollercoaster. make the choices you want to make, at your own pace. stay true to yourself...even when you aren't sure who that is... little signs, friends and your gut will tell you what to do if you take your time. sometimes even the most well-intentioned men can't change enough to make you safe. some can. either way, we are here for you.
happy monday all.
You are so strong. I'd have been crushed, if OW had told fWH that she was in-labor. Fortunately, she was pissed @him and didn't tell him OC was born, until she was home from hospital. I don't think he ever regrets giving OW a child (or he won't admit it, if he does). He always says something wishy-washy like "I'm sorry, but I love OC." Like it was okay, because he got a DD out of the whole mess. He does seem remorseful for EA/PA#3 though...but, not for the 1st two w/OW for whatever reasons he tells himself he had the right to do them.
Mother's Day was good. fWH slept in, even though he'd promised to make me breakfast in bed like last year. I was disappointed. He woke up right as I was getting into the shower for church & the kids were eating the muffins I'd thrown in the oven. I was pouting...fWH apologized profusely & said he felt really bad, because he intended to get up after taking 5AM meds & making breakfast. I cried a little, when he hugged me saying "this will have to do, until I make lunch today." He did make a nice lunch....shake n bake chops, pasta salad, corn, yeast rolls, boiled/butter potatoes. He even was very affectionate. He made the boys tell me Happy Mother's Day.
What kinda bothered me, was that OC didn't call or text me. She spends more time w/me, than OW...and, I guess I expected some recognition of that. Took her to OW @6PM Friday and haven't seen or heard from her since.
fWH said they had discussion Friday, about DS13/DS10's savings accounts we set up. She questioned why fWH didn't get her one too...he told her, that OW was more than welcome to set one up w/whatever $$$ she had remaining each month from OC's $800/monthly. She said "OW will never do that." I feel OC slipping away from us...gravitating toward OW. Amazing how $$$ and spending it on OC, sways her feelings toward fWH. Oh well... fWH said yesterday that the more time OC spends w/OW et al., the more she behaves (talks & acts) like OW's relatives.
I honestly don't think I thought much about OC yesterday. Oddly enough, fWH was talking about exGFs (including OW) last night. Why did he have to ruin a good day & why was he thinking about them?
He said over weekend...I remember you saying that friend-w-benefits might've had a girl, from what you found on web. He said "I heard that she got divorced." He is now wondering if he should contact her to see if she told the child (girl or boy?) that the xH wasn't the child's natural father & who the father really was. He thinks he might want to see photos of the alleged child (or maybe do DNA, if the child knows). I am worried & glad both. I am worried that any physical attraction he had for this woman (whether she's remarried or single) might rear it's ugly head, but I'm glad that he's beginning to realize that the child might've been fatherless most it's life and he should be angry w/himself for not trying to establish paternity (even though the girl met another man & jumped into a quickie marriage even while in high school, to avoid embarrassment of being preggers & unmarried as a senior/junior student). I told him "if you want to know, do you know anyone who might know where she is so you could contact her?" I think he will ponder on this. That child almost feels like another OC...even though it was well b4 I even met or dated fWH. How will I handle a 20something-yr-old stepchild, if that comes about? Will he want to provide for her in his will, or setup some sort of fund for her, what if she has kids already? What will I do if fWH is a grandpa and we didn't know it?
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 9:45 AM, May 10th (Monday)]
We had a great mother's day, he bought me the expensive gift I wanted, I cooked lunch for my mother and the kids and him, then we went out to eat for dinner. He seems to be trying as hard as he knows how to do. I copied a post in one of the other forums about what us BS are going through and he read it and seems to understand that I need reassurance and that I'm going through a lot.
We didn't hear from the OW at all yesterday, she should be about 11 weeks along now. Is it wrong for me to hope she had a miserable day without him being a part of it? It was so nice to have a good day without him sneaking off to text her like he did in the past.
So far my gut is telling me he is being honest and sincere, I think we are both kind of waiting to see if she is going to try to pull anything to try to come between us. She really wanted my life, to just have me gone so she could step right in and take over. not happening! I'm hoping that she just stays out of our lives till the baby is born and we can demand the DNA test to see if it is even his. Then we can go from there.
Mother's day was actually kind of nice, even though I was in a hotel room doing college exams all day and night.
The twins made me mother's day cards and gave me a plant, they told me that I am their favorite mom. Yesterday they turned 7 (updated picture in Fun and Games), and I realized that I have had them in my life the same amount of time as the OW so I really can said that I am their mother now. Which by the way no one has heard from her, not her family or her friends. My H was like they don't know if she is dead or alive, I said maybe she's dead. He said that's wrong don't wish death on anyone, I said I didn't wish death on her, I just said maybe she's dead, and I know I wouldn't be sad.
The OW/OC stitch never seems to go away no matter how happy you seem or how things seem to be good in your relationship, it is up to you to choose how much it affects you, and I choose not to let it.