I have thought about this a lot and A in general is like a huge wound. There is the trauma of it, healing but there is always a scar. In our case with OC issues, it's almost an amputation. You have to relearn or compensate from the loss of something you depend on and are used to. Even then, there is pain sometimes and the scar is even more noticeable. No matter if there is C or not, you are changed from now on. But like any trauma, it is up to you how you let it affect you. You can stay in the past, mourn the loss or learn new skills to cope. Maybe that is a weird analogy .
I've been thinking about the upcoming wedding Sat with OW and BIL. I am the kind of person who holds grudges, carries my anger around with me, that only hurts me. I am not punishing OW by carrying my hatred, just me. I am by no means happy about their M and have no desire to be OW's friend or let her into my life but really this is her and BIL's life and their mistake to make. Do I think it will last? Probably not. But, that is their life, not mine. All I can do is take care of me, COM and make sure our M and R is strong. I know how OW is as a parent and what kind of person she is, and I choose to not socialize with her outside the mandatory family stuff. And under NO circumstances will she take care of COM. I don't care if she is "aunt OW" or not. That is my boundary and FWH backs me up.
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
WH and I are trying to R. I want to be intimate and streghten our connection. Everytime we get close, he won't....He says he is not ready for us to be pregnant....even though WE WERE TRYING this time last year....then oops...I don't understand. OW trapped him. He KNEW she wasn't on BC. She KNEW what she was doing. I have never lied about my cylce and if he askes "if it's okay" I tell him.
Is it his guilt? I don't understand and it hurts so much. I just want to be close to him in that way. Is it me?
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
It's not wrong to want to feel close to fWH. I actually wanted to get pregnant as part of R after their A#1. By no means, would I have allowed myself to get pregnant after OC was expected, but I'd just given birth to DS10 within the last year also. I had only wanted our 2 kids and thought things would be good after (boy, was I wrong).
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 7:28 AM, May 17th (Monday)]
I know OC is just a child & only the product of multiple EA/PAs w/OW and fWH's deep love for her and the desire to make her "happy" by giving her a child. I just cannot deal w/OC much anymore, after EA/PA#3. I don't know how to fix it.
I'm sick of OC picking on MY children. Any other child teasing, hitting, pushing my children would've caused fWH to go-off on the parents of said child...but, since it's OC, we have to put up with it. We have to arrange our schedules around OW's ability to "get" OC at 6PM daily, or fWH will have to be dropoff otherwise.
Honestly, I felt really helpless Sunday. I know it's wrong to be that way about OC, but I feel like my hands are tied. I just want my family & I honestly don't like OC being around my sons much anymore.
AND, that stupid cell phone. OW called OC 2x yesterday. What was so important that she had to call twice? OC about had a fit because we asked her to leave the cell in the truck while fWH, DS10, OC, and I went into Home Depot to pickup a few items. GOD forbid that OW, OW's mother, or cousin not be able to text her for about 20 minutes!
fWH was supposed to have a talk w/me about my feelings about OC after church yesterday, but he never did. He was very huggy & touchy-feely all afternoon.
Sometimes, I'm not even sure what my purpose on Earth is....why am I still here?
Maybe point blank ask how did FWH think that the 3rd EA/PA would've turned out? Was it really "love"? Set aside one evening away from kids and just hash it out, write down all your questions and just ask or have him fill it out. The uncertainty just seems to still be there IMHO.
Well, BIL and OW got married Sat. She is officially my SIL. I went to the family reunion, got lots of compliments, told one of FWH's aunts that OC was FWH NOT BIL's. I did not stay for the wedding. COM and I were exhausted after being up since 5 and I decided I really didn't want to see it. I left, COM and I played outside then took a nap. FWH texted me when the wedding was over.
It was funny though, there is a family member that puts out a book with all the family members, FWH was talking to BIL and OW about it, (family tree) saying "yeah he'll have OW and BIL, lines for them, her kids and a line from OC going over to FWH". OW said "no, OC will just be drawn to BIL, we did not tell anyone OC was yours". FWH said "I did" and MIL did too. In fact, pretty much everyone knew but they didn't bring it up to BIL and OW . They just assumed their fantasy family was swallowed by the whole family!! FWH is buying the new book next year. He also got a picture taken with COM and OC. FWH stuck with me at reunion also, we kept COM wrangled together. I felt very supported.
FWH also surprised me with 2 necklaces, a "happy" journal and 3 cards hidden all over the house, he said that he knew this weekend would be hard for me and wanted to do something for me. Very much what I needed.
I know what you're talking about, I wanted to hysterically bond with FWH during R, FWH was so guilty it really just didn't happen much, we even had a disagreement about it this weekend. It takes time, patience and communication. Explain what you need. Talk about it. Maybe start slown, just cuddle in bed together, build from there?
I am so glad things went well during family reunion. I think it's funny (and a bit embarrassing) for OW that everyone knows OC belongs to fWH. But, many will think it's just a typo in the family tree probably.
I know BIL would've probably loved to see you at wedding, but I think what you did was a good compromise (being around for family, but not supporting anything to do w/OW). Who wrangled OC & OW's other children during the wedding?
Did you choose not to be photographed w/OC & COM & fWH, or was that a joint decision? I'd never done family photos w/OC until last year. We'd not had any professional photos w/COM & OC since OC was newborn. I'd basically done the digital-to-cardprinting @Wal-mart instead.
And, I know it's wrong, but for-the-record...I never told OC "I Love You" until fWH specifically brought it up the year of his accident. I just didn't feel for her, like I do my own. OC was only turning 4 the month when he got hurt. He said I needed to tell OC that. I guess, even though I've cared for her & sung to her when she was infant & rocked her/comforted her (she slept w/us some, but not as-much as COM did when small)....I am not able to bond with her, like I have with COM. I just don't see that ever happening. I distance myself from OC on purpose, I suppose. That is one of the only coping mechanisms I have, I guess. The more ILs say "Oh, she's so pretty...she looks like her mom." The more I almost want to pull away.
fWH has been speaking about xGFs & OW much lately. I asked him yesterday about it. He said, it's not that he's thinking about xGF & xOW that much, it's that the friend-w/benefits might've had his child and he's been worrying about it, thinking it had a hard life and grew up unhappy and maybe didn't even know why the father that raised her, treated her oddly (if that happened). He said, he knew that some in the family had drug problems and he hoped that the mother didn't allow his alleged child around such things. I think that his poor choices during his young adult life, are catching up with him. I wonder when it will finally hit him, about what he's REALLY done to our family also? Not just A#3, which he seems to regret...but the whole entire 10+year saga with OW. When will he regret the rest? When will he really be able to genuinely say "I'm sorry" for what he's done concerning his desire to give OW her OC? When will OC come to her daddy and say "I'm angry because you chose not to leave BW and why didn't you ever marry OW?" I am waiting for the day, when one of the kids...will tell their daddy, that he was WRONG. Having your children be disappointed in you, will be a much harder pill to swallow, than having your wife hurt & disappointed. I think, anyway.
Mine just realized over the weekend, that I live w/fWH before marriage...it was kinda like "so, you lived with Daddy when you were in college? How long before you got married? How old were you when you married Daddy? How long were you married before DS13 was born?" How do you preach abstinence, when you set such a poor example?
At the wedding, OC was ring bearer and her C were mini groomsmen. OW's sister and friend were bridesmaids. FWH said when preacher said "does anybody object", OW's sister stared a hole in him, FWH just said "hi, how ya doing" real quiet. Maybe she was thinking FWH would stop the wedding, profess his undying love etc?
BIL actually asked FWH if I would take pics of ceremony?! FWH said I would be taking care of COM and could not be bothered with photography. Someone is missing the empathy chip in that family
You've got to be kidding about BIL! Is he just oblivious to the fact that OW is weaseling her way into family, to be closer to fWH?
Gosh, I hope you didn't hurt OW's feelings, by not going to her wedding!
If you'd have gone to the wedding, you should have objected. Made a big scene...had them drag you out!
Was this reunion/wedding at a park or on IL's property (near your home)?
This morning, fWH told DS10 "you get on my nerves."
Then, when DS10 was complaining, with DS10 there fWH went into a rant about how DS10 is a "baby" & a "sissy" and if OC9 hits/kicks him today at school, to hit & kick her back. (he's been having tattling issues related to OC & her friends this week) Then, fWH told DS10 if OC's boyfriend picks on DS10 again (making fun of him for being small & calling him names due to OC's encouragement), then he should start calling the boyfriend names also (he's rather fat even in comparison to OC who is overweight also). I don't know what fWH is doing, trying to get DS10 kicked out of school the last full week??? As sure as he stoops to OC & her BF's level, DS10 will get busted for it. fWH said if school calls about DS10, that he will (in his defense) tell them how OC & the BF are picking on DS10 and that he's complained to the teachers & nobody has done anything about it.
I am worried that (even if unconsciously), fWH is at war w/me over DS10 & OC9. If I complain about OC, then he complains about DS10.
It's "Daddy's Girl" against "Momma's Boy" kinda thing.
I just hope DS10 doesn't get sent to detention for hitting OC9. She is sneakier than DS & with him having ADHD & behavior problems already, they will just see it as him picking on "good" student OC. OC is deceptively good in plain sight @school (and doesn't backtalk the teachers like she does her parents & stepparents).
It really bothers me that fWH called DS names this morning....no "name-calling" for anyone, is a standing rule in our home. DS10 was so brave at the field trip & even did some high-wire type stuff @Adventure Mountain in Dollywood last week and rollercoaster. He has a bad hangup about being alone in a room & about darkness...I don't want anyone making COM feel bad about themselves (ever)...especially fWH.
1) boy in class was kicking DS10 (behind teacher's back), so DS10 went to kick him back....and, of course got busted & had to sit out in hallway for behavior.
2) 2 boys on school bus pushed DS10 down and were stomping on his legs. DS10 came home telling fWH about it. fWH asked OC if she saw them hurting her brother & she said "yes." He said "why didn't you push them off of him, since they were bigger than him & smaller than you?" Her only reply was "I helped DS10 up." fWH did fuss @her for not helping & told OC that DS10 was her brother & we expect her to take-up for him if someone is hurting him....just as we'd expect DS10 to defend OC, if someone were hurting her.
I am so glad that Tuesday is the last day of school. Maybe once OC isn't here everyday, she and DS10 won't be such enemies every weekend. DS10 usually misses her...because he wants some one to play against him on Xbox360. I know it's just being siblings...but, it really hurts me to see that they physically hurt each other (or don't give a hoot about someone else picking on them).
OW is due this week....Wednesday in fact. UGH. Nothing yet....I have checked around....I know, not a great idea, but...
The only thing that makes this dealable....is that WH will be on a business trip to the East Coast! HA! I am PRAYING that OW has it while he is gone and gets out of the hospital and everything before he returns. But we all know I will not get my wish.
With my "awesome" luck, OW will have it the week I am gone for a work trip..... (((sigh)))
Why did you guys decide to stay in the relationship? Now that we are really seeming to try to R, I find myself questioning myself.
i read through a bunch of the reconciliation stuff on SI. 2-5 years. 2-5 year recovery for a marriage from regular infidelity. most women reported that at 2 years they started to think maybe things would someday kinda be sort of normal and good. at 5 years, most of them seemed happy they R'd, but some still struggled often, saying they "thought" it was worth it most of the time.
i told WH 2-5 years minimum before things stopped sucking, all with him being awesome, us working on us.... and that the timeline didn't account for OW drama or paternity test results, court cost resentments, etc. 2-5 years sounds so depressing to me (though i know its probably the same to get over him?)
he said, "wow 2-5 years, that's great!" i was expecting him to be discouraged, he can't stay focused on anything he can't finish in an hour. i guess i was hoping to discourage him because i found that i was disappointed by his reaction (even though i think that i don't really want to lose him). maybe part of me just thinks he's kidding himself that he can keep his patience up that long. quite frankly, i don't understande how he wouldn't cheat in that much time - he didn't make it through the first year of newlywed bliss or our pregnancy 2 years later without cheating twice and knocking up someone else, just for sex.
i just wanted you to know that your feelings seem very normal. everytime i'm nice to him for a while i start to withdraw and regret it...like he's gonna forget. i hear that we do that alot as BS's, and after reading some of the WS side posts, you can see that when they are genuinely trying to R, they are tortured also and certainly don't "forget" or think everything is great all of a sudden.
the thing is, my WH is ADHD and really does seem to forget. it makes this so much harder, i can't tell where he's lying and where he actually forgot details. people might call me naive (like my therapist) for believing it, but you have to live with the guy for a while and see the types of things he can 'forget.'
ie - last night i found his little wallet passcase he lost 8 months ago. it was in a jacket pocket. when i called to tell him, he didn't remember how he lost it in the first place. UNBELIEVABLE, since he thought he lost it when he drove drunk, in a stupor, to 7-11 one night while i was out of town (and pregnant). his best friend was on the phone with him and told him about the midnight run a few days later. WH didn't even remember going anywhere, and then assumed he lost his license at 7-11. he blamed the "foreigners" working there for not keeping it around to return to him. he's not even conservative or racist - he just needed someone to blame at that moment when he was angry. anyway, i had to re-tell that story to him last night and he really had forgotten that's how he "lost" his license. really. (i know that was 8 months ago, but he's got a breathalyzer on his car from a bad DUI, and faces this stuff everyday). and because he's not really drinking right now, he said he can't believe that was the same person...like he's changed so much, it seemed like something he would never do. i had to tell him that it sounded to everyone like something he would definitely do, and that it hasn't been long enough for anyone to believe anything different. it's funny how perspectives are.
from what i understand, you will probably feel a lot of ambivalence about reconciling for a long, long time. yuck. yuck. yuck. i freaking hate this because everyone always ends with "only you know if it's right for you or not, and either decision is okay and understood." i'm here because i DON'T KNOW, and i know they are right when they say i have to figure it out, but sometimes i want someone to tell me what to do. (probably so i can do the opposite, lol!)
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
He told me about her and the OC and we decided to work it out. He did make a huge mistake but like most people, we have a lot of history plus a COM that doesn't deserve to be shuffled here and there because of his mistake. As long as he plays by my rules, I can see us getting stronger in our marriage and working this out. Some days are hard and I feel like I'm in limbo too, but so far he has been very understanding and remorseful, if that ever changes I'll know he's in contact with her and they can have each other lol.
Today has been awful. WH left for his business trip this morning.....for some reason I had all these crazy thoughts in my head....like the trip wasn't real, that he is staying with OW to wait the arrival of OC, that he is with OW at her parent's house (checked that one! not the case)...ALL KINDS OF CRAZY!
WH called when he arrived at his destination. Called again after he checked in, and said he will call before he goes to bed. I am slightly afraid that he is over compensating?! Is my mind simply overreacting!? He gave me the name of the hotel, his flight times.....Am I just nuts?!?! Is this what happens when the WS finally wants to truly R!?!
Plus oc is due the 27th.....it's overwhelming! AND I am leaving for a work trip this Friday. WH told me that he will not visit oc at OW home, and will not see oc if he is with OW in the hospital room. I realize that if he wants to be with OW, he would. And whether I am in the same town or not wouldn't matter. It's just s damn difficult! How do I cope?! WH said I could call as much as I like....I just don't know....it's all so maddening.
How did you guys know it was worth trying to R?! Seriously! I am questioning daily! Hourly!
I asked WH if he was worried that he would fall out of love with me or that he had....he said no without hesitation. I told I do. It's true too! I am afraid that I have put so much energy trying to R, that perhaps I didn't stop to realize how I really felt? Or maybe I am finally numb?Or now that he wants to, I don't!?
I dont' know!!!
Sorry.....got carrid away.
Thanks to all of you! I seriously am thankful to each one of you.
For me, I was a basketcase about 1 month b4 due date. My DS10 had just had his 1st birthday (which was triggery & horrible the best I can remember - not the day I'd imagined for a Happy 1st). I had to see IC. I could not deal with reality & was horribly depressed. I was on the verge of totally shutting down. I just had not coping skills, to allow me to deal with that.
As for R, after A#1 w/OW, I really was pounded down by him & felt like I was responsible for A#1 (I know that's not the truth, as even the worst BW don't deserve EA/PA from WS). I went head-first into R & then attempting conception w/in a month (pregnant w/in 2 months after D-day#1).
I was completely knocked off-guard with OC's conception. I knew fWH & OW had been friends, but they'd seemed to be NC (she'd quit calling the house sometime b4 I had DS10). I didn't know what to do. We had a 3-yr-old (almot 4) and a 7-8 month old when I found out OW was pregnant. I had not $$$ of my own. Our kids weren't in daycare (we worked opposite shifts & only had a few hours together daily btwn his sleeping). I did go speak to a lawyer about my rights, but didn't file anything. I thought I might leave, but I didn't have the strength to fight him over COM. He had threatened that he would never let COM leave that home. He has the capacity to be very violent (even though he wasn't with me, he had been w/other physically violent women who provoked him more than me). fWH found out I'd seen lawyer, by a coworker who's wife unfortunately worked @the lawyer & told the coworker (completely illegal). Even after OC's birth (since I didn't know about the planned pregnancy), I really felt sorry for fWH. He had been so kind & loving & affectionate & perfect father & showered me with gifts. I'd been w/fWH since I was 17. I didn't know if I could be without him. He kept saying "I wish OC was yours." I'm sorry...blah, blah, blah. Boy, he really knew how to play me. All along, he acted like "it might not be mine, it only happened once (ONS), she contacted me about 6 weeks after & said pregnant but I wasn't sure it was mine. All along, he knew it was his kid....why even bother paying $500 for the DNA. And, he acted all anxious like he didn't know. And, he'd been spending time w/her after they found out (he won't admit to sex w/her, but now know he didn't go NC like he'd said). All the lies & the way he treated me, convinced me to try R. I thought he needed me & that he made a terrible mistake with a ONS. Boy, was I so naive in believing that...I guess I believed what I wanted to.
I'm still not sure I made the right decision to R after I found out about OC. As for EA/PA#3, I'm still not sure this is the right thing either. I just know, that I would lose my comfort zone, my home, my family....if we D. He has been my family so long, it would be like he'd died. If he weren't in a wheelchair, I don't know if I'd have stayed this time either. I guess, he physically needs me around & I'd feel really guilty if something happened to him (and I could have prevented it). Don't get me wrong, I do still love him. I just get so down sometimes & angry other times about everything. All the lies...that I could have made better decisions about R#2, if I had just believed OW about it being a planned pregnancy. There are still so many unanswered questions about all their history & OW's mother either lied or fWH was dating someone else b4 OW left BH#1 for fWH & A#1.
I am glad OW's stupid tricks have temporarily stopped, but I don't trust either of them. OW insisted on speaking to fWH last night (when she called OC's cell from her house phone - untrackable for outgoing calls...wonder if BH#2 was home?). It could've been so easily texted to me. Wanted to know if we were going to the school carnival 2night or if she should take OC (huh? actually doing something w/OC). Wanted to know if she could keep OC this Thurs, since we'd have her on vacation next week. (once school is out, OW is supposed to have OC every Thursday, but I guess she forgot that). All that could've been texted 2 me...but, wasn't. Why'd she call OC's cell, instead of our home #? I think that she was covering her tracks, so BH#2 wouldn't become suspicious. Who calls their kids' cell, so speak to OC's father? Anyway. Things should get a little easier, now that OC isn't home daily. Maybe she & DS10 (and DS13) can get along.
I pulled a # on the kids yesterday. I have been unsuccessful in getting them to clean their pigpens of rooms. I told them that NO DINNER, until rooms are cleaned. They wouldn't even clean them for Mother's Day for me. But, my meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn, yeast rolls, & homemade chocolate ice cream was able to! DS10 ate very late (around 6PM)....'cause he was dragging. They all acted like they were being starved. DS10 crawling on the living room floor, acting like a starving zombie pretending to eat his own arm. Wonder if OC texted her mom that I was starving them and was a wicked stepmother for making them clean instead of feeding them?
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:38 AM, May 24th (Monday)]