There have been many times, especially in the 1st year, that I wasn't sure if I had made the right decision.
The way I looked at it, if I decided to try to work it out, I could still leave if I felt like it was the right choice. I wasn't sure that he would still be available if I decided to leave and then changed my mind later. But it is hard work and a painful process. I imagine it is painful whether or not you leave.
After I found out about the A and the OC I joined a BAN (Beyond Affairs Network) support group. At the first meeting I went to, I got a valuable piece of advice that probably helped save my marriage. That advice was “don’t make any big decisions for 6 months”. I decided to follow the advice and it gave me and our M some much-needed breathing room. It took the whole “should I stay or should I go” turmoil off the table for awhile and allowed me to just focus on the issues at hand.
R is a long process… and the reason it is such a long process is because many realizations and changes are taking place both in you and in your FWH – and it takes time for both of you to trust and adjust to these changes.
I remember my FWH’s first business trip after the A – I was SO SKEPTICAL of his destination and itinerary, but to his credit he gave me the flight info and the hotel info. He took a picture of himself in the hotel room and texted it to me and called me from the hotel room. This was a change in his behavior and transparency – and yes it was difficult to trust, but it was the right action for him to take. He was doing the right thing for R – and although it was a small step, it was among the first of many.
When the 6 months was up, I still didn’t feel like I was in a good place to decide whether to stay or go. Things almost felt more complicated and difficult than they did in the beginning of the whole mess. And, we were still confronting a lot of issues in the M and I was disappointed that we hadn’t progressed further. I was fatigued by all that we had done some far. So, I gave myself another 3 months to decide. Looking back on it I realize that even though R was difficult at the 6 month mark, it was difficult because we were both working so hard and confronting difficult realities. At 6 months the toughest realization for me was that in order for us and in order for ME to move forward, I needed to let go of the anger and pain. For me, this was the most critical and difficult stage in R.
I think that you need to take a break from the “should I stay or should I go” conundrum and just let R happen for awhile. I know that there is a real “fight or flight” sensation with it and an intense need to protect yourself. But just let it go for awhile… to go through R you have to make yourself open and vulnerable again – but you will face this challenge no matter whether you stay or go. Yes, you could be hurt and disappointed again – but this could also happen whether you stay or go. R is a difficult but incredible learning experience – if you invest in R for awhile, you will at least know that you did everything you could to save your M – and there will be peace in that. You may also learn amazing things about yourself, relationships and hopefully, your WH.
I agree with what everyone else has posted. For me, the "should I stay or go?" feeling lasted the first year of OC's life, and still rears it's ugly head on occasion (mostly due to my FWH's family and their love for OC, and the fact that they don't acknowledge my daughter who was born after OC).
Hang in there. We're here for you.
Our then MC, my now IC, told us the same thing. Don't make any decisions for 6 months. D-day was in September....eight months ago...or five if we start at the second D-day. It's just this trip....he told me the airline and the flight time...I checked it out. He called before and after his check in, he seems to be trying....but I haven't heard from him today, at least by a call. He emailed me, but that's all. I am sure he is jet lagged, and tired, but still...
I don't know.
Plus, OW is due Thursday and I am having all these CRAZY thoughts! UGH! I even drove by OW parent's house an hour and a half away! I need to be committed!
This Friday I am leaving for a work trip. WH has promised to not to go see oc (if he's born) at OW house. Not to be in the room with OW at the hospital, and that he would call and let me know what's going on and such. He even said I can call whenever I want. But it's tough because I called twice today...sure he is three hours ahead of me and my be asleep, but still!?
I know I should talk to him about this....as it is driving me mad....but is it just my mind playing tricks?
I don't want to feel this way forever....I know it wouldn't be, but it's almost unbearable!
I know you guys are right....give R a chance. See what he DOES. It has only been a week...of REALY R (I think and hope). Does every BS go through this?
You are right though...I would like to know that I did all I could.....I know I have....(((sigh)))
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
Finesse, I don't know how you are coping w/out fWH being around this final week to support you & then maybe being out-of-town during OC's birth & fWH going to hospital to see him (knowing OW's family might be around). Taking care of COM was so hard for me, when I was so depressed about OC's impending birth. Honestly, if OW is really angry @him, she could refuse to allow him into the delivery/nursery area. Ours is locked-down tight now (much more than when I had my COM). Visitors go through guard area & have to be let in through a locked double-door to get into that part of hospital (they consider kidnapping a serious threat around here).
I can only imagine what anxiety you feel awaiting the birth of OC, mine were older, but honestly I don't know which is worse. You have told your H what you need from him to get thru this, I pray that your H will do everything in his power to regain your trust and calm your fears to the best of his ability. Unfortunately there will always be some kind of fear, it all depends if you let it control you.
I will be thinking of you.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:41 AM, May 25th (Tuesday)]
i've got a different situation right now. my DD will be 15 mos next week. WH moved out when she was 9 mos old. i made him move out so i wouldn't kill him, and so he could prove he could at least take care of himself (he's also ADHD, UGGGGHHH!).
so now i feel, and i've told him, that he can't move back in until we work through pretty much everything and i feel safe that we are going to stay together. i've read all kinds of stuff about how it's easier on kids in a D if they never remember their parents being together, and much much harder if they have to watch it come apart and go through the changes aware of everything. plus, her whole young life would be watching us fail at R. (ugly).
so until OC comes back from Africa for paternity testing, WH/OW decide how/if they are raising her, we work through our M problems, he keeps a job for more than a year, learns how to budget and save some money, etc...we are separated. he's really bummed because he wants so badly to move back home, but i know deep in my heart that i'm doing the right thing for myself and my daughter...and for WH. i can tell because he's doing good things, but not enough yet...and if i'm nice too long, or let him hang around too long, he goes right back to venting all the time, being negative and making excuses for everything. i also slide back into trying to "save" him when i see the train bearing down on him and he's being his usual clueless self. i start losing myself all over again.
and my life and house are so much calmer, even amidst this nightmare. it's my solace. it's really my unintentional 180 on him. he was convinced i was the reason the house was a mess. lol.
anyway, my IC, our old MC and pretty much everyone who knows this deal says i'm doing the right thing...that his 180 will take a long time if he can even pull it off.
i'm not sure what prompted this post, except that even with all that time laid out before me, i still constantly flip-flop and wear myself out trying to make, or thinking i have made, some kind of decision. this is so freaking exhausting.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
I don't know how U do it. After D-day#3 and I gave attorney a retainer, fWH had this banter going on that "if we D, I will prove my love 4 you." Kinda his idea was, if I left him, he'd still be coming to my home (wherever I moved), that we'd do family stuff together, that we'd eventually get back together because he'd prove how much he loved me. He even asked me to keep wearing my rings, if we D. Wanted to make sure where I moved had wheelchair access for him. How do you continue R, with him out-of-house & OC issues up-in-air? Are you thinking permanent S is best, until you are absolutely sure about fWH changing? Are you thinking COM is better-off, not having both of you in same home....since the M is unstable?
Through the last D-day/R beginnings, I kept wonder if I left (filed D or legal S), would he really keep trying R, or would he move OW/OC/toddler sis into our home instead? Wouldn't it just be easier to give up, than work hard at R w/me? Who knows?
I'm sure, either way, you have a long road ahead of you. It is probably better, that OC isn't really in the picture right now (out-of-country).
My sons are both ADHD...and I have heard that relationships & maintaining jobs are much harder for ADHD people. I hope COM don't end up in the situations like your husband has put your family in. I mean, there's no excuse for infidelity & OC, but I guess it's easy to try & "save" him by jumping in & doing everything for him & forgiving him w/out making him deal with consequences. Heck, I do that for fWH too....take over things about OC, that are too difficult for him to do w/paraplegia & dyslexia... Do you ever feel like you're babying him & not making him grow up? I think ADHD boys (in my experience) seem to live a little like PeterPan.
How r u doing finesse? Seen ur post earlier and hope you get to feeling better! If you don't feel you can do this, then you have every right to walk away. I know that was the path I had to take, but it took me awhile to accept it. Try to focus on you and your life. You r only here for a limited time.
To the others further along, how do you handle COM and OC intro? My baby is only nine months, so I am not worried about him, but the other is six. I think the OW will visit sometime this summer and I am sure xh will have her at his place the whole time. So they will just get dropped off for visitation and "surprise!" Any suggestions to ease into it? Any articles I can point xh too so he can at least consider how this might affect the older one?
WBF and I are pretty much over. I flipped out at him yesterday because he just doesn't get it. He's been spending his days off at OW's helping set up the nursery for the baby. He doesn't think this - or ANY of this situation - should bother me at all.
So I basically said some mean things, and he said some mean things back. Most of it didn't bother me, but he did say one thing that I just can't let go - he said I was a "mental case" and I "needed to take my medication". That is just too low of a blow and I will not let him get away with that kind of verbal abuse.
Oh, and get this... he finally told his parents and they don't think I am treating HIM fairly. Are you kidding me?!
I honestly just want him out of my life for good at this point.
Today is the due date. I haven't heard a thing. WH is still gone, but will be back tomorrow. BUT I am leaving tomorrow for my own trip. We have talked about guidelines and things I need to survive. But as we all know, I won't and don't have control of anything but myself. Even with that, I am not very good at. WH has agreed to not go into OW room at the hospital or see her. As well as not go to her house at all. I was praying that OW would have it while he was gone....why should I begin to get lucky now?! FTW......
Anyway, I didn't think that this week would be so hard. WH was gone, so what was to worry....HA! I thought he was lying about his trip, that he was ignoring me, that he had some grand plan....nope. I completely overreacted. COMPLETELY. I guess that is part of the process to build trust!? I don't know, but I feel awful about "some" of it. But I guess the good part of all my crazy is not just that he was telling me the truth, but that he was patient with me. Could he have done more to help me? Sure, but I suppose he is learning too. We've talked about how he can help me more and I hope that does something. We shall see.
But now I am focused on oc. I am dreading it. DREADING IT! I thought that I could incorporate him (after paternity of course) into my and our lives. Now I don't known. I am having mind movies about H holding oc and I fall apart. Our own baby was going to be due in just over a weeks time. So there is that too. WE WERE TRYING before the EA begain. WE WERE TRYING before the PA began Then this all happens. How am I not going to be sad? How am I suppose to put on the brave face? How am I suppose to be okay with this?
AND then my mil told me today why she stopped calling. Because she "didn't want to be in the middle of things" and that her "adult children can handle this on their own". WTF?! So that means she can't call me just to see how I am? She can't call to ask ME about my dad instead of WH?! UGH! No wonder WH can't talk to me about anything! No wonder WH is a conflict avoider?! ARH!
Then there is Father's Day. A freaking trigger. Last year we went WH family's to celebrate. It was strained for us. Anyway, the siblings all talk about a movie...turns out WH took whore to the movie with all the siblings....how am I suppose to forget that?! AND NOW WH IS A FATHER?! WTF!?
Is that irrational?
I don't know the difference anymore. At least I know that is the truth.
Sorry....began to ramble. So many thoughts going through my head. I jut want this part over with. Truly. Then maybe, just maybe, I will know what I want and what to do.
[This message edited by Finesse026 at 12:21 AM, May 28th (Friday)]
whalers, i can't help but think you already have your answer. i'd be so out of there. i hate to sound cynical but we are all a little bit that way, i suppose.
finesse - wow. i have the same crazy, triggery, nausea inducing experience when i try to imagine WH with OC. it may be my ultimate dealbreaker. even if he's spectactular at R, i...i don't know. i can't imagine it right now. it makes me physically ill.
repeat - i don't know how i do it either, lol. i'm so independent, and i love to be alone. i'm the breadwinner and stable one, but i love him dearly and he's trying so hard. you understand the adhd personality, though i know they are all different. he really doesn't get it, but it's not because he's an ass, or lazy...he's just a dog chasing his tail all the time. anyway, i want to try it on my own for a while. i was fantasizing about it for a year or more before dday. i want to be alone and think, get it out of my system so i won't wonder if i would have been better off if we do try to R and it gets hard. plus, i just can't be the person or mother i want to be with him around right now anyway, so it's just not an option. and at the end of the day, if he's not willing to do the work, from outside what is now my home, for as long as it takes, then i don't want him. truly.
gotta go get littlebean from daycare, so i'm in a rush. everyone have a great weekend. pm me if any shit hits the fan and you need someone to "talk" to.
so until OC comes back from Africa for paternity testing, WH/OW decide how/if they are raising her, we work through our M problems, he keeps a job for more than a year, learns how to budget and save some money, etc...we are separated. he's really bummed because he wants so badly to move back home, but i know deep in my heart that i'm doing the right thing for myself and my daughter...and for WH.
stretch13 - that is a great plan. That way you know you gave him a chance, and it is up to him. If the pre-A marriage problems can be worked out, you have a great chance of moving forward with the OC situation. Even if OC turns out not to be WH, your marriage will only benefit from the work both of you put into yourselves! Is the OW due back to the states anytime soon or paternity testing in the works? I think you have mentioned this, but I forgot. I also feel that it is good that you are not basing your chances of R on the outcome of DNA testing, but on WH changes. My WH was basing it off of the outcome of paternity and not on him changing. So I had to give him walking papers, lol! Hope everyone has a good weekend! I will definately be thinking of all the strong women here!
Things are just kind of an uneasy calm with BIL and OW. OW was sucking up to FIL and MIL, but now has just started doing stuff at her and BIL's house (though technically, still IL's house.) OW asked FWH when he went to see OC if he wanted her to mow and weed-eat our yard and around our shed. FWH said he did not care, but do it while we are all not there (she and BIL have mowed with COM outside and COM is super-sensitive to sound and it upsets her.) I question her motives, but also know that FWH is not going to fall for her just cuz she weed-eats.
I have fractured my fibula while exercising and FWH has been taking care of me, COM and the house. I guess this is payback for his back. I am in a fracture boot until at least 6/16, then I get re-Xrayed. 2010 is not as bad as 2009 for me, but isn't great.
My decision to R came after FWH was out of the home staying at a hotel for 2 days. I wrote a list for things he had to do if he wanted to R. I saw him after work 6/29 and we had a long talk, cried. He said that he wanted to come home and work things out. I second guessed myself and our R a lot, especially since FWH seemed to worry a lot about OW and trying to prove he wasn't a deadbeat through her P. He has since seen a complete other side of OW (the real OW) and it opened his eyes a lot. I try to appreciate the good and let go of the bad. I know me a lot better and know that if FWH has another A, I will probably not stay with him. I still ask questions, verify and we talk about everything that is bothering us. We are still in IC and MC once a month. We take NOTHING for granted. We celebrated our 11th anniversary 5/29 and although we did not go anywhere because of my bum leg, it was so much more precious and honest than last year when FWH was covering up A.
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
also, in my state, i found out i can file for CS all by itself without the rest of the separation agreement. i'm going to do the whole thing at once just to get it over with while we still get along.
either way it shouldn't take too long, but don't wait! also, a non-joint bank account for your money would be smart. also, your income won't count in the calculations for OC CS if you are still together.
I had a major meltdown when I found their baby registry yesterday - decided at that point I couldn't torture myself anymore. (BTW, she is due in October and I am guessing it's a girl based on the number of things she picked out that were pink...)
He is still maintaining that he needs to kiss her ass because she will take off with his kid if he doesn't do what she wants and he just can't allow that to happen. He said he's been to see a lawyer and that the lawyer says he has no legal rights to the baby until it's born.
How do I always end up feeling like the ass? I want him to completely walk away from the situation and R. He said he can't be a deadbeat dad like I want him to be.
How nice of him to have some integrity NOW... where was it when the A was going on??
if he feels he really does have to support her crazy butt to get a hold of his kid one day, kiss her ass, whatever... then he should be kissing your ass about 1000 times harder and more often and as sweetly as the morning fucking dew. he's out there in the fog, still gaslighting and lying like a dog, i would think, based on your posts.
good job on the block. it ain't gonna get easier when "birthday" comes, i can tell you that. let them have each other, you deserve better. they deserve each other and all the trials they'll have when he knocks up the next girl. or even if they ended up happy...you will too, happier and stronger.
do i sound bitter at all in the "knock the next girl up" comment? damn. i hate that about me right now.
Mandilwen - OW is back, OC is not. WS and OW met once to discuss the OCs immediate future. she is supposed to come back to the states in the next 2-5 months for testing and presumably to stay. if it's his and that woman and child are part of whatever future we might have, that may be the D point. if it's not his, AND he can do the right things for our marriage, if i can grow, then maybe...maybe....we'll try to R for real. so it does depend somewhat on paternity, but that certainly isn't the whole bag o worms. i just don't know if i can or want to deal with that disaster he's created.
gotta go to IC now. thanks everyone. life-savers everyday, every one of you.