I am SO excited for you!! Congratulations! You will be a wonderful mom!! And I ditto what Want2help says....enjoy the attention and MiLK it! I am SO happy for you!!
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
We get home, FWH's phone gets service, and he starts getting texts from a number neither of us recognize, from the area code we moved from after the A.
"Happy Father's Day".
"Happy Mother's Day to (Want2help). Happy birthday to (COM)."
I immediately call the number (we changed our numbers repeatedly, since OW kept getting them, and we have had these ones since summer of '08 with no problems, since we don't give it out).
My stepdaughter's voicemail. It is my H's youngest D from his previous M. She is 17, sees OW and OC regularly (or at least did when we moved, she was even dating OW's adult brother a year or two ago,both he and she were staying at OW's house, with her POS "mother's" consent- see my profile for the long story if you wish).
He text back "Hello (stepD17)".
Long story short, she claims she got his # from a craiglist ad I had up months ago (despite that it didn't give either of our names).
He flipped out, was going to have our numbers changed tomorrow, etc, etc. I encouraged him to just wait, she didn't text him "Happy Father's Day you POS" or anything like that. Give her the benefit of the doubt, until she proves you wrong. She was 14 last time he spoke to (she didn't want to see him ever again unless he was going to be "daddy" to OC- she knew of the pregnancy before we did, once again, see profile for the story, it's a nightmare).
So, they have been texting. She hasn't mentioned OC or OW, or whether or not she is seeing OW's brother. Just small talk, how she is doing in school, where she got a job, etc.
I hope this goes well. If it does, my DD may have a sister in her life after all (best case scenario). Worst case is that OW has a way to creep her sleazy ass into our lives and either harass us, or try to reignite the A.
I am cautiously optimistic, but at the same time, ick ick ick. Last weekend was the 3 year antiversary of Dday. OW had reared her ugly, sow head every year right around this time.
Could everyone please send some SI mojo that my FWH and his daughter reconnect, and no drama comes from it? It is so heartbreaking to me that the fallout of the A was the relationship between FWH and his DDs from his previous M.
I am posting this in general also, since the board is so slow lately.
ETA; OW has a lot on her plate, she is currently pregnant by a guy who had a pregnant fiance when OW met him, so OW and he are going through their OWN DNA, babymama drama with THAT girl. I guess you reap what you sew, you pig bitch.
[This message edited by Want2help at 8:41 PM, June 21st (Monday)]
Hope all goes well w/fWH and DD's relationship and OW stays out of it.
On a sad note: had car trouble yesterday, fWH came to help me, somewhere between parking lots and stores (and moving a battery), I lost the diamond from my engagement ring that fWH gave me 20 years ago (bummed out about it). He joked "I didn't know you were divorcing me."
Found out today, that OW (who just bought a laptop and internet with OC's $$$ probably), now has facebook. Wanna know her favorite quote?
better to have loved and lost than to never be loved at all
Love to Read, I Love Spending Time With My Kids, Going to church doesn't make you a christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Learning More About the Bible, Cross-stitching, Walking
From anyone who knows our history w/OW, all this Facebook seems like a load of bologna.
OC and OC's toddler sister are her photo. I am curious to know if OW posted any photos of OC & fWH (maybe even with her) on there...but, can only see the profile photo. Wish I didn't get so crazed about her. Wish she'd go away and fWH and I could have our family to ourselves (even if OC was with us full-time to make that happen).
Love the part about how she loves to spend time w/her kids! Yea, right!
Repeat....I wouldn't be so hard on yourself about the FB thing. I have an account just so I can see the pictures ow posts. I've since printed out two pictures of oc and gave them to H. He cried...he's not sure what to do. Friday will be three weeks since he's seen oc, don't get me wrong, I don't mind!! BUT I'm afraid he could be hiding his visits. I don't think so as he's working nights and the last three days has really amped up the calls and contacts :) I also tract ow sister and brother. Sick, I know. But I want to be sure nothing is going on. Now if I could just "befriend" ow so I can see her posts.....Hang in there. Hugs to all!!
I have been a little relieved to read OW's small amount of postings on her Facebook wall. She appears to be doing things w/BH#2 - that she normally would've let him do alone (spending quality time w/him). Nothing gushy about how much she loves him or anything, but oh well. I think she'll never get over fWH. She honestly believes that it was true love and I suppose she will always be waiting on him (maybe not pursuing him since she became a Christian, but maybe praying for GOD to make things happen so they can be together).
But, the best news of all that I got from FB is that OW's BH#2 is on 2nd shift now. Which means that BH#2 is at home all day sleeping (he'll be keeping better tabs on her daily activities) and since I'm home @night with fWH - I know the possibility of OW breaking NC is much less likely and much less chance of any secret meetings. Only downfall is fWH cannot get OC @park at all in the evenings, because I'm sure that BH#2 won't be able to do them.
June almost gone. July will fly by. I need to butter fWH up and do some hinting now about OC going as a car rider on OW's nights due to the school day start/stop time being pushed back later. Even MIL has asked me why OC comes home daily, knowing OW is a SAHM now.
And, I do monitor OW's sister's FB account. Nothing really there, except I can see friend and family, who might post something about OC. I would love to get it in print/onscreen about someone trashing fWH. Someday, fWH will realize that everything about the 3 or more As w/OW was a total mistake. He just doesn't see it about A1 & A2....I do honestly believe he thinks A3 was wrong. Whatever comfort that might give me.
Does everyone else obsess about OW & OC? Keep tabs on OW for peace of mind? I read a quote on someone's SI yesterday that said:
Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future. - Fulton O
That is just so true for me. I cannot enjoy the here & now, out of fear of the unknown in the past or the pain that the past has caused and the regret for mistakes, and yet I fear the future and what it holds for our M and family.
Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future. - Fulton Oursler
i just stole that for my fb status. thanks. fb keeps me alive, even though it handed me my dday. i think he's the one who hates it probably. he's jealous and it busted him, plus i have his passwords but he does not have mine. lol.
Surviving - way. to. go. i had my first and only at age 36. we tried for a long time. i had many reasons to be concerned about being able to get pregnant myself. i have many times tried to imagine how i could handle this OC thing had i not had my own child first. my heart broke for you, in the best possible way...i feel relieved and joyful for you in ways i can't express. i'm also amazed that you and/or your WS survived this long because i think there would be tombstones or prison walls or both involved had i not yet had littlebean.
good, good, good luck and enjoy
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
We saw the lawyer on Monday about the potential OC. She put even more doubts in our heads about her being officially pregnant, lots more info came out like the fact that she has been pregnant five times and only one child was born, eight years ago, plus she has issues with cysts and things, had to leave work a couple of times due to those. The lawyer pretty much told him what I had been saying all along about the OW, how she is just laying low, waiting for our marriage to fail so she can jump right in, etc.
In her state, the courts actually do consider the children already in the home in the child support formula so the damage to our income won't be as bad as we feared, plus she qualifies for child care due to her heritage so we won't have to worry about that part, hopefully.
Now we just wait till we either find out she was lying all along or wait till its born, require a paternity test and go from there.
Also, the lawyer said that due to the OW's history with prescription drug abuse along with illegal drug abuse, the fact that she is probably bipolar and other things, that we could possibly end up with full custody if we wanted to ask for it. That is a very big step for me, something we would have to really talk about.
Just an update, I would love to hear any opinions about our situation :)
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
Well, the more I think about it, the more it sounds like OW is behind my stepD's contact. It is just too far fetched to believe that my 17 year old stepD was looking at Craigslist for baby stuff, in our town 200 miles away from her, when she just got her license and doesn't know this area AT ALL. I did some digging, and OW (who is again knocked up) registered for baby stuff at a store very near where we live (and I registered there, so I know for a fact you have to register in person, it cannot be done online). It is far more likely that OW was looking at CL items while she was here, and found my ad (I was selling my DD's unused things), but still, event hat is such a stretch, as I didn't put my name down! Just listed my H and I's phone numbers, and mentioned that it came from a "smoke free, Beagle friendly home".
Am I crazy, or does this sound COMPLETELY suspicious???
Father's Day was not easy. H was getting back from a work trip that morning. When he landed he called me. I told him that I was going to see my dad and then head home. I asked if he wanted me to wait for him to join me. He said no. We had talked before he left about spending the day together (I even offered up seeing oc together. I even got him a Father's Day card, SO HARD, with a picture of oc from OW FB). He said he had to go by work but then would head home.
While I was with my dad, H calls. Since I was with my dad, H was going to see his family. I was so hurt by this. Not that my ILs have been terribly nice to me (nope, I have been dropped to say the least), but wehave always spent holidays together; I have always been involved. So this stung. All I could think was, "is ow or oc going to be there"? Is H really doing something else? I couldn't think straight, which of course meant that I couldn't enjoy my time with my dad. Anyway, I get home and H is already home. Weird. Father's Day was not easy for him either. His parents had gotten him a card something about how he'll be a great dad He hasn't seen oc since birth on 6-4....
He seems (I say seems lightly because I have "seen" this before) to be trying. He calls, texts, and emails quite a bit to let me know what is going on and where he is. We are on opposite schedules at the moment and evenings are especially hard as that was when he conducted his A. Plus, we are talking more openly...HE, FOR ONCE, brought up his feelings about oc and the conflict he feels about him...ie not seeing him, how to do this, etc. So it "seems" to be heading in the right direction, but again, I am treading lightly. He may even show up to make my IC appointment a MC one. I have my doubts about that one.
Anyway, still hard to comprehend...I still have days where I cry, ask myself why, and why do I stay. I am not always sure, but then there are those days when I am. I am doing my best to live MY life for once. That was the big thing at IC last week. She asked me what I want. I didn't know. ALL my focus was on H and saving our M. It isn't mine to save. Hard to realize, hard still...
Hope all is well....
Wow. Taking on full-custody of an OC is certainly a mind-blowing idea. It's bad enough that he had the A, but then maybe taking on his newborn child full-time. Certainly, he would want the child cared for, but adding it to the family full-time is a scary thought. We'd probably have done it ourselves, except OW kept hanging onto OC (never spent any time w/her) just to keep contact btwn them (ow & fwh).
I think there's more to the story. OW didn't find your info through Craig's list and DD didn't just all-the-sudden want to be in your lives. Something sneaky going on, I would guess. OW going fishing maybe?
Do you really think that OC might've been @ILs on Father's Day or something? Do you think that maybe he just needed some alone time on FD so he took his sweet time @FILs? Maybe he knew you'd be upset and he didn't want to face it. I guess it would be hard to be happy about a new child (unconditional love), but yet know how much pain you've caused by it's birth (bittersweet).
So sorry you are here. At best, maybe OC isn't his. I myself (not knowing the whole story) had wished OW would abort the pregnancy. Yes, I know that's bad & I'm pro-Life, but I could not see what good could come from fWH being tied to OW for the rest of his life (and financially responsible for OC).
The financial & emotional burden that OC takes on a family is overwhelming. And, if there's contact w/OC&OW, the wounds never seem to heal. If OW behaves badly about the whole thing, it makes it very difficult to R and rebuild the M. In our case, an additional A#3 many years later w/OW (and lies revealed about A#1/A#2) made my acceptance of OC change. As OC ages and grows to look and behaves more and more like OW, it makes it almost impossible for me to treat OC the way I did when she was a tiny newborn needing our care. Over time, it had gotten better, but A#3 really added a monkeywrench into the situation...plus, OW's behavior after A#3 was childish & almost inhuman. Her continued affection (basically blaring on her FB page) or woe over the loss of fWH (even while still married and supposed to be a newly born-again Christian), is inexcusable.
Has OW ever done that for any of you?
I just keep feeling like that part of OW's new religion, should be making amends to those who she hurt. I was so good to OC all her life...shouldn't OW owe me a "thank you" and "I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to you and your M."
What type of psycho seeks out mOM while being mOW (basically at a party at the encouragement of BH#1 so he can screw your friend), then leaves BH#1 for mOM, tries to get pregnant by mOM, then moves back home to momma after mOM breaks up, then lures mOM back in w/LOVE right after or during time when mOM is having newborn w/BW, then conspires w/mOM to conceive a love-child, then marries the first dick (BH#2) who comes along who will raise OC for you (after telling mOM you won't marry BH#2 if he is getting S or D), then allows BW to basically be OC's mommy because you're too busy to be concerned w/OC who didn't get you mOM (as planned), then gives BH#2 a child, then starts up another A w/mOM who's BW is STILL taking care of your love-child (OC) greater than 50% of the time????? WHO DOES THAT? Is she insane? Will this woman EVER give up on getting fWH?
No....it's just one of those damn crazy thoughts that entered my head. He couldn't have been at ILs long, he beat me home. All my thoughts seem to be off th charts lately.
Do you think that maybe he just needed some alone time on FD so he took his sweet time @FILs?
This could be. He seems to escape at work and avoids me...not completely, but sometimes I feel he'll go to work early when he's with me, but later if he's with family. I asked him about this and he says it's just a coincidence. Again, I could be hypersensitive. I'm sure H is going through a lot of his own issues. He seems to be slowly able to talk with me about them, which is nice. I am jus so worried about him and me and us....plus I have outside factors stressing me out
But the only thing strange about FD...ow didn't call. Really!? Ow really missed an opportunity to contact H?! Ask where's he's been!? I don't know. Perhaps ow really is going away!? Ha. Yeah, right.
I am so sorry you find yourself here. You will fins amazing support. Hugs to you....
I won't say that no OW could ever be sorry, because I have met a few right here on SI that were, but the OW in your case, personally I think it would be lip service. And if she is allowed to she is always going to be a thorn in your side. I made it unbearable for the OW and that is one of the reasons she ran away. I was not going to play buddy buddy because I had her kids. You do alot of compromising and accomodating and I feel that she takes advantage of that.
((eyes)), taking full custody of an OC is a heavy decision that must be given alot of thought. You must also think about the future concerning this OC and the fact that you may have to have some dealings with OW. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions, I will be happy to share my experience with you.
((Want)) The more I think about the situation, something is a bit off about it. Just be cautious as I previously said, it shouldn't take long to find out what is really behind this.
((Finesse), I know it is said alot, but time truly is the healer of most pain. And it also is the teller of true things. Your H seems to be struggling with what he has done, and hopefully time will tell where his head is.
((tadamom)) welcome to our group. Please feel free to come and speak with us if you need extra support. My main advice is to protect yourself. Unfortunately you can't control what someone else does. But be proactive rather than reactive, have a plan on what to do if OW is going to have OC and if it turns out to be your H's. If you haven't already go back a couple of pages and look at the OC Handbook that I reposted, it has some good suggestions on how to deal with this. I will be thinking of you.
eyesnowopen - hopefully things work out and there is no OC at all. As far as full custody - I really think that would be easier than sharing OC with OW. To not have her in there to cause drama would be wonderful.
tadamom - thinking of you. This is a difficult time and those that are hurt the most have absolutely no say in what ultimately happens.
I used to check up on the OW on FB/Myspace, but it didn't get me anywhere so I just really don't care anymore. It helps that she seems to have moved on from wanting my H. We live far enough away that I don't really have to deal with her. But I completely understand the desire to know what is going on.
As far as an apology, I don't ever expect it nor do I even care for it anymore. She just isn't worth anything to me.
fWH said something like "yes, she lost." I should've never been in a competition @all, in my opinion. If he didn't want to M me, he shouldn't have. And certainly should've never been trying to get OW pregnant, unless we were D first (or at least S - which has never been the case).
Anyway. He brought up something about OW disgusting last night (cannot even repeat it) and illuded to that it was her (but didn't say if it was OW or another lady he'd dated in his past b4 me). Then he was rambling on & on about how he'd become attracted to redheads shortly b4 dating me (I'm redheaded)....describing & naming 2 or 3 of them and how he knew them. I don't know what he's doing, but he's driving me bonkers. He spent most the day out back with ILs who offered to fix the roof on our storage shed (that never leaked until they put an add-on last year that they wouldn't let us pay for). Wonder if MIL was talking about stuff all day that made fWH think about OW and other women (xGFs or friends w/benefits, or ONS) in general.
OC isn't home until Friday (last week she asked to come early), so fWH, DS13, & DS10 are going for a late dinner at IHOP after COM go to tutoring. Very little fighting btwn COM when OC isn't home...some, but not like when OC is home. Cannot wait to relax & enjoy some conversation (without TV on).
I know it's hard on OC being split btwn two families. I just don't know how to make her time w/us less stressful. I do think that I'll mention to fWH that if this weekend OC starts talking about OW like last weekend, that I'll politely ask her to not mention her mom, that I don't know her & she isn't our friend. Is that too mean? I don't think I should be confronted w/anything about OW at all from fWH or OC on a daily basis. OW isn't my friend and she most certainly cannot be fWH's friend anymore. Am I just being mean? Do any of the OC that have visitation ramble on & on about OW and you have to finally put a stop to it b4 you blow your top? She is OC's biological mother, but she is absolutely nothing to me (or my family for that matter).
How is OW referred to in your house? I call her OC's momma - so I don't have to say the name. fWH calls her either OC's momma or her shortened name (nickname) she usually uses for herself when writing notes about OC to fWH. I cannot recall what ILs call her or my mom/brother. COM call her OC's mom, but DS10 barely recognizes her if we must see her for some reason (this is good though - as she's a stranger to COM). If fWH spoke about her to someone, I'm not sure if he might say "my daughter's momma" or some crude cussword. He acts all "I hate her" to my face sometimes, but I know that it's just not true, or she wouldn't come up in conversation (when I don't bring her up).
I have never spoken to OW, and I certainly would never expect an apology to come out of my mouth. In fact, she would probably rub it in my face that I couldn't keep WxBF and that after 12 years he didn't want to marry me or have a family with me, but within months of knowing him, she's having his baby.
Oh, and did I ever mention that it's a miracle baby because supposedly she was unable to bear children?
I'm still waiting for my heart to catch up to my head... Lately I just feel like I can't see my future. it used to all be so clear. Now I can barely see past tomorrow.
There is a reason that OWs are OWs - even if she didn't know FWH was married, the whole dynamics behind an A is "ego masterbation" for FWH and OW. Its not about how they feel for the AP, it is all about how they feel about themselves - i.e. it is completely selfishly motivated.
In true OW fashion our OW ONLY cares about herself - she has no perspective on how her decision to have OC has impacted other people including the OC. It is all about what she wants in order to feel good about herself. Selfish person, selfish acts.
Apology or not, I don't believe a damn thing she says.