Whalers - in our case OC was a "miracle" child too, b/c FWH is unable to conceive naturally. That said, I am trying to change my way of thinking about the crazy odds of OC's existence and not using the "miracle" designation anymore (should probably change my sig). "Miracle" connotes that the OC was somehow predestined, meant to be, or a gift from god (I say that as an agnostic) and that is NOT the case. I like to think of the COM in my belly as miraculous because our baby is the culmination of our hardwork and commitment to one another. COM was created as a deliberate choice that was grounded in reality. OC exists because of a long-shot coincidence of nature that happened in a fantasyland fling - not because of a miracle.
OC is a victim of this like me, so not trying to be harsh - but now that COM is on the way, I am no longer willing to give OC's conception priority to any other baby's.
- but now that COM is on the way, I am no longer willing to give OC's conception priority to any other baby's.
Good for you, Surviving! I felt the same way when we had our DD.
OW in our case is the fakey-religious type, and named OC "Destiny" and told everyone who would listen that it was "Her destiny to have FWH's baby, whether he wanted to or not".
What is OW referred to in your house?
"The skank". And OC is called "her kid".
As for apologies, I got one. I actually posted the letter in my profile (towards the bottom, you will see "apology letter" in all caps. It is such a joke. She tells me how sorry she is, then insults me, then tells me how sorry whe is, then insults me, it is disgusting.
BMC, thank you so much. I feel the same way.
I am having such a hard day. My one "friend" who lives here today told me "You can't just not talk to your kids!!" referring to FWH and his adult daughters. "He raised them, if they're f***ed up it's his fault and now he has to deal with it!". She comes from a home where the parents are still married, and have never even fought in front of the kids. She has an infant daughter who was an accident, and the dad does not see her daughter or pay support, so she does not see my side.
No, my H did not raise his daughters. His X divorced him when the youngest was 2. He had sporadic visitation for 6 years until I met him, and my father gave him $ to go get a lawyer, and have their divorce decree changed so that he could get more visitation. He saw them once a year for a long time. She made them call every different boyfriend she had dad. The kids watched their mother have 3-way relationships (a boyfriend and a girlfriend, at the same time) and then go to church on Sundays and pretend like it wasn't happening. They were messed up girls, who became messed up women.
I am really tired of people thinking everything is so black and white. I posted in General, and got a response saying "Why would you ever let these toxic people back into your life?!". Because it is my FWH's daughter, and I am willing to give her another (one last?) chance. However, that is our choice. She quit seeing us, she told FWH she never wanted to see him again (due to OC).
Sorry, I'm rambling, my heart just really hurts right now.
Thanks again for all of the support you gave to me over the past few months. I wouldn't have made it this far without you.
Thank you repeat and also BMCO415...... I am not sure what is going on in my situation now. Maybe you all can help me shed some light on it.
I had called earlier this month, pretending to be the OW to find out when her appointment would be, because I just wanted to catch a glimpse of her. She has no pics online. So her appointment was supposed to be yesterday afternoon but she didn't show up for it. Then WH finds out that there is a rumor going around work where (she no longer works there but has friends that still do) that she had an abortion.
Was she ever pregnant? Is she just spreading that rumor because she wants us to back off and not ask for a dna test? It's very odd that she has not been into work to hassle him or to rub it in his face, makes me think she didn't want him to see her because she wasn't pregnant after all? She would be about 18-19 weeks right now.
Deep down I'm hoping she never was pregnant because even though I try to think that I can go through with all of this, some days I am not sure if I am strong enough to deal with the OC and full custody like I was talking about after the lawyer's visit earlier this week. Any help appreciated as always :)
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
I'd texted OW about pickup today, and she said OC wasn't w/her....but, she'd get her to call fWH (per his request). She said "I've been at Auntie's for a few days." They live just 15-20 minutes away from OW. Why didn't OW just go spend time w/her sister in the afternoons after BH#2 goes in to work and allow the kids to visit instead? Oh well....I'll never understand OW. I don't know why I keep trying to.
And, OW was wanting OC. During A#1 & A#2, they were was trying to get her pregnant. Her BH#1 had a vasectomy during a previous M, and even fWH had told me that OW wanted a baby...I just didn't expect it'd be fWH's. I think OW was lonely and believed she wanted a child and figured that fWH was only staying w/me for DS13, but then after A#1 and the breakup, we conceived DS10. I think fWH allowed everyone around OW's family to believe that I tricked him into having another COM....not true. I wanted another child & figured even if M dissolved, I'd know that all my COM would be with him (he's an excellent father - just sucks as a husband sometimes when he's gaga over OW). DS10 was an intentional pregnancy (DS13 was intentional on my part, but not necessarily his - as he thought I'd be a bad mom due to family history, but was super excited once it really happened after 2 years of being off birth control - we thought one or both of us was sterile or something). DS10 was conceived within about 4-6 weeks of me going off birth control. After he was born (or maybe during - he's wishy-washy on that detail), PA#2 started up. They had become "friends" again during my pregnancy and it was a major issue for us (he said he could choose his own friends, I thought he shouldn't be talking 2 her so I changed phone #s etc, but he just gave them to her - blocked her cell, but she'd call from pay phone then change her cell# the next day). OC was conceived 4-5 months after DS10 was born, but not sure how long they were TRYING to get her pregnant. Not really sure when he quit seeing her either (details are being withheld). He used to say "I never saw her again, after I found out she was pregnant," but then he now says he'd go over a couple times weekly while OW lived w/her mom/stepdad & sit w/her (no sex)...I don't believe there wasn't some intimacy going on.
I wish OC hadn't been fWH's last child. I wish I could have given him another child. I regret getting my tubes tied. Not that I wanted another child @all as I've always wanted 2 children & after I had DS13, I wanted another boy just as sweet as him to keep him company. I should've made him get vasectomy instead, then OC wouldn't be here. Hindsight.
If OW was so lonely & so much wanted a child for so long, why did she never spend time w/OC. OC was either with us, with Auntie, with OW's BH#2, or with another relative. Even on days off, she'd take OC somewhere & drop her off (daycare or her mommas) so she could get her rest. OW didn't do the hard part of having an infant...and OC practically raised her baby sister (claims she diapered her & bottlefed her while OW slept all day when OC was only 4 or 5). Even claims to fix her sister food during the day in the summer. Yes, OW might've been lonely for a child, but she did not live up to what is expected of a mom. That's why it seems so odd to me, that A#3 even happened...knowing what a poor parent OW had been. I guess as long as his ego was being stroked, he forgot about her shoddy parenting skills.
Do you think that fWH's intentional pregnancy w/OW was ego-stroking too? Do you think it made him feel manly/studly to have conceived another child?
MIL told us not long ago, that FIL had been mad at BIL when he had vasectomy because he only had 1 child (a DD) and that since we had not conceived a child after being together so many years, he was angry that he'd have no grandsons to carry on the name. FIL had been very happy that COM had been boys. Wonder....MIL is partial to girls, do you think she was overjoyed that fWH had a DD w/OW, so she could have a 2nd granddaughter?
Do you guys get frustrated w/friends & family sometimes? I know after several months of being upset during OW's pregnancy, all my friends/family kinda got tired of hearing about it. It was real to me...in my face real, but they were tired of consoling me...tired of hearing about it. I had to seek IC for my own sanity b4 OC was born. It wasn't that she did much but listen...which is what I needed. Having IC to talk to, made me feel better. She once told me that she wasn't sure I was going to make it, after the first visit and I broke down and cried for almost the whole hour while telling the story (at least the lies that I thought about OC's conception were true). I'd almost like to go back to IC and tell her that it was lies, that everything I was going through was intentional on fWH's part...that OC was planned...that it was so much worse than what I thought.
If the opportunity & finances are available, seeing an IC can really help. I was so lucky that @time, fWH's company had an EAP (employee assistance program) that was separate from health insurance...and it included about 10-14 visits with mental health specialist for free. Then, after that...I transitioned to seeing IC through the health benefits, but I owed $40/visit then. I could not have made it until OC's birth or thereafter, if I hadn't been under IC's care.
And, one small blessing, OW was so pissed @fWH, that she didn't call him to come to hospital during birth...BH#2 was there with her (then just a boyfriend). I cannot tell you how relieved I was, that fWH hadn't been w/OW holding her hand during the whole thing. The anticipation about OC's birth and delivery situation, was a tremendous source of stress for me back then.
I know I rant/rave about OW, but you guys seem to be the only ones who know what I go through about visitation & and OW's behavior. I'm just glad OW hasn't taken fWH back to court for more CS yet. With her being SAHM now, I don't know how the $$$ would add up. OC's check going to OW makes it more favorable, but if OW lied about her own SS disability (and only filed for OCs $$$ from fWH's SS instead), then her having $0 personal income might tip the scales into fWH owing her. She gets $800 from SS for OC, can u imagine what nice toys she could by for herself & what home improvements she could make if she were getting $$$ from fWH also?
I forgot to ask. Did fWH move out & stay gone w/OC? I know you have OC's siblings (twins) with you, since they aren't fWH's children, but I was curious to see what happened with grandchild & OC situation.
As for family,they have fully accepted the OC as family because I have. It really isn't a situation for us. Now if I had to deal with OW on any level, it may well have been, but like I said before, I made her life a living hell, and I hope she keeps the hint to stay away.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:29 AM, June 25th (Friday)]
It was awful. I am a mess and feel like I just took a million giant steps backwards.
I was snooping down in Divorce/Separation (sometimes I do that just to get perspective, you know what I mean?) and there was a great thread about STBXs being "swamp zombies" and the down feeling your get after contact is just "swamp muck" that has to be washed off. It made me laugh, maybe it will you also.
I know how you feel, I separated from FWH and he lived with OW, but I still had to deal with finances and selling our house, and every time I had to contact him I would just cry... and then I would get mad... and then I just felt indifferent. It does get easier.
PM me if you need to.
Have you considered starting a journal? You seem to do a lot of thinking out loud, and I think a journal would really help (an online one, here, on SI) because then you could go back and look at how you felt, and things that happened, without having to look through all of these pages. Just a thought.
Hugs to everyone.
[This message edited by Want2help at 2:28 PM, June 25th (Friday)]
Brightstar and Tada welcome, sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. Everyone is very helpful here and understands.
I got a half-assed self serving apology from OW when I confronted her (it's on a past post). Really don't think she is remorseful, she is manipulative and probably just sorry that FWH did not leave me and COM and ride to her rescue.
OC was supposed to be a long-shot too. OW supposedly had scar tissue, complications and P was "impossible", she still got P having 3 ways with MM and her XH, lost the baby, then got P by FWH a few months later.
I think OW got P by accident, but kept OC because that is how she thought she could get FWH. She has 3 C and her XH married her when her 1st C was 8 mos old, she then gave him C#2, maybe to keep him? OW kept asking FWH if he wanted OC, would help her raise him, then got P#ssed that FWH did not leave me and COM. OW takes care of OC, but acts like he and her other C are a huge burden. BIL is indifferent to all C, let OC cry in crib, always gripes about OC crying etc.
OC may have mini seizures and is going to hospital 4 hrs away for tests. Me, FWH and COM are going in my car, staying the night at hotel. OW, OC and BIL are going in FWH's truck as it has A/C (their vehicles do not)
FWH was miserable yesterday, COM may be autistic (getting tested in Oct) and OC is having problems FWH thinks it is his fault. I want another C and FWH is worried about it. I am not going to let fear of possible problems stop me from having another child, we were hoping to have one pre-D Day then that was derailed. We will deal with whatever comes up.
I hope, too, that this pregnancy was made up. I was clinging to that for a long time....Like many OW, our OW got pregnant on purpose, and kept it to use as a pawn to get and keep H. Gee...how did that work for you!? Grr..I hate her
I am so happy for you Surviving! I am so excited for your own bundle of joy! I know how you feel...oc is my H's first grandchild and we were trying to conceive before the A started But in a small way, I know that if and when we do, it will be loved and nurtured in a way that was wanted....not used as a weapon of sorts, you know? It is just so hard for me and so damn sad....
The next few weeks are going to be tough on me. I have tried (not very well) to give H a heads up. A year ago today, I started to really notice differences in my H. Today is the first day of the BIG lies began. I didn't know it at the time, but I did know something was wrong and out of place. (((sigh))) It sucks. I have all these "if only" thoughts...alas, I know there was nothing I could do. The A even went underground for a while...I hate all of this. So damn sad today....H seems to be trying really hard...I just wish he could be more affectionate. I try to come on to him and he does nothing. He is excited and such, but it's like he makes himself hold back. Granted, I understand "sex" got him into this mess....but we use to not go three days with out sex...and now?! I feel so unattractive to him....I am am cute! Damn it! I am in the best shape of my life, and look younger than I am! So what gives!? It's so frustrating. What am I doing?
Sorry....it seems I have turned this into a pity party.
My gut isn't ringing or talking to me....but is there something missing? Am I missing something?! I don't think so....is it just his guilt/shame?! I just wish we could reconnect...just be "us". Even for a moment. Yes, I have shared these things with H, he just says it isn't me, but him. So DO something about it already!!
Ugh...we are hopefullying seeing MC Monday...for the first time since November/December? Please send mojo my way...that H goes. Work is crazy for him and we desperately need to go....
I am CONSTANTLY frustrated with my ILs now. They haven't spoke to me since February. MIL goes to OWs to "help" with OC. WTF?! I called her last week....as the answering machince came on and I was hanging up, she answered. They have caller ID. I called back...MIL ignored me. I even went to MIL house, again ignored. I cried for 30min outside their house. H said that MIL told him that they were next door. Yeah, freaking right! She called me her daughter, helped when all this A shit started...then I was abandoned... the whole family did.
I hope you are doing okay....
I also cruise the S/D forum. I don't know why...probably because I am so unsure all the damn time. I have a lawyer retained, I know my rights....I just don't know what to do. My life has always been H and us....now I am simply trying to find me....whoever that is anymore. ugh.
I am so depressed today. There is just too much on my shoulders. H, OC, my dad....trying to apply for MediCal sucks. My dad's attitude is awful...dad's siblings don't help AT ALL. My dad is in MAJOR debt and we are having a hard time paying for his rehabilitation (since his insurance dropped him due to lack of progress) and my dad is NOT a good records keeper so I can't find everything I need to apply for MediCal. UGH! Too much! Too much!
When do I get a freaking break!? When do I get what I want!?
Thinking of you all....
Sorry for my pitty party...
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
i'm not sure i should have come here today. i have a lot to do, and my adrenaline came right up even as i opened the site.
we had our first session at MC this week. she was awesome. love her. WH is following her "orders" like scripture. ok. that's fine. one of the results is that WH and OW are suddenly working on getting paternity testing done internationally, as soon as possible (amazing how an mc can get him off his ass but he "just couldn't keep it all straight" when i was asking. i don't care, i'm just grateful she's here now). i need to know if it's his, and see how i react before i can commit to R or D, and i am not at all worried the little bit of contact they have. he keeps me aprised of everything, just like he's supposed to.
so therein lies the problem. everyone is behaving appropriately, and it's making me a nervous wreck. the constant updates keep me on edge constantly. i finally had to tell him that if it's garden variety texting, coordinating this "effort," to save it up to the end of the day to share with me if/when i ask...because it's all been really boring, but still makes me all shaky and nauseous(ptsd?). he knows that anything weird he should disclose immediately. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.
it's funny that the apology question came up because i feel she owes me one for sure and have been pretty offended not to get one. i've given her several opportunities. i thought maybe she'd back down a little, especially since she attacked and blamed me for this somehow? whatever. i know it's pointless, and truthfully, i'd probably just end up being nice to her if she became nice and apologetic to me. that would be weird, and such a "me" thing to do. yuck. but i'm sure she'll stay psycho, since that's what seems to happen. i suppose i can take comfort in that for now.
there's my conflict. it's like i'm afraid everyone is going to do everything right and start acting nice all at once, and that i'll feel either suppressed or really bad because part of me wants to MEAN. i'm so on the fence. i told MC that. part of me is frustrated that everyone is acting right because i don't want to "make up" yet. i don't want to decide anything... especially not to get back together.
i told WH that he is doing a good job right now, and then i told him to leave me alone while he gets this paternity thing taken care of. that i need time to myself while this is going on because seeing him is not comforting. i feel the need to detach right now because i can't handle this process of finding out if he's really OC's father. it's making me physically ill. then there's everything that comes after.
like i said, i'm not sure i should have come here today. i'm a carefully composed mess right now, and i don't want to fall apart. but i DID come here, so i must think you guys can help me somehow i know i need to be on my own for a while, i just don't want to feel guilty about it. and i want to feel strong on my feet.
by the way - i'm going to my 20 year high school reunion next weekend. yikes. i'm pretty excited, i will see some great friends and my parents while i'm home with DD, and it's a beach vacation for us. also, i was a "late blooming" nerd, so going back in my little black cocktail dress should be fun, teehee. it's funny that i'm not really that concerned about what i'll say when the question comes up.... i'm not wearing a ring, etc. how would you respond? most of the people going to the real reunion events are not my close friends from high school. a few of my closer friends know, but what about the rest of the 'cliques.' lol, i guess i should think of something before i go! i thought about putting my gorgeous ring back on and just pretending for a night or two but f-that. the idea pisses me off and sounds pathetic, like i'm ashamed that he's an asshat. i'm just wondering how i'll feel once i'm put on the spot in front of everyone's husbands etc.
i'm so tired of this. so tired of whining. thank you so much for being here. really. whew.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
Stretch, that totally happened to me. I had a few drinks two weeks ago, got on my XH yahoo account and called her a trifling ass whore. (I did let her know it was me, lol) She came back with how she deserves that and so much more. She also stated that she was very sorry for how things have ended up and her part in all of it. Now how could I be mean? We chatted a bit and I hate to say it, but she does seem like a cool chick. VERY naiive. I can totally see how easy it was for her to be duped. I just let her know that I don't mind simple disciplining of my boys when necessary, but I do not spank and big issues are to be dealt with by XH and I. You know, if she evens moves over here. So your comment about being nice to OW actually "was so me" too! It's a little wierd, but I keep in perspective and try and move on. Crazy!
The ow in my life will never be sorry. Because OW isn't. OW KNEW H was married. OW KNEW that we were still together. OW KNEW H didn't want the baby. OW KNEW EXACTLY what ow was doing.
H said that OW said she was sorry to him. For hurting him and me, for messing up his "obviously happy life" WTF ever! I believe that is called manipulation. I hate ow. I don't think I can EVER forgive OW. Even OW FAMILY knew she was with a MARRIED MAN! HELLO!? Morals much? At least H has realized that much.
Anyway....H still hasn't seen oc since birth....he said once that he hasn't because "it would cause friction for us". WTH? I told him, calmly, that I have never asked him to stay away from oc. That WE could see him together. I even told H to call OW right then and there to set up a time for US to visit somewhere. He didn't want to...so much guilt. But how dare he try to pin his lack of visits on me! Just 15min. before he was saying that he dehumanizes oc in his head so as to not think about him and not want to see him...I feel bad for H, but I am NOT the one keeping him from oc. He is.
Also, we can't seem to find a "normal". We don't talk or play or simply be ourselves anymore. I placed some of that info in the R forum. But I just miss "us". I know we won't ever be the same...but IC says we can have the good parts of us....why are they so hard to find!? And then the sex stuff!? He will not let "himself go" in me. Guilt? Shame? Fear? He says it isn't me, bt it's hard not to think that it is....
I am having a down day...
In our case, OW knew he was married too, knew he had a son that he wouldn't want to leave, even if he wanted to leave me and I feel she did it on purpose.
We are still in limbo, don't know if she is really pregnant, had an abortion or whatever, I guess we won't know until she either has it or not because she lives in a different town and short of going to see her, we have no way of knowing. Neither me or WH wants to go see her unless we just have no other choice because it will just start things up with her again.
Just needed to vent..
I know in my life, nobody really wants to hear about it. They don't understand.
That is why we have SI.
I like your ramblings! I like to hear everyone's stories....almost like a crystal ball of "what ifs" if you will. I like to hear how you and the others handle situations. I am SO new to all of this.
I just spied OW FB...I know...I just can't help myself....I just don't understand...WHY AM I THE ONE WHO IS UNHAPPY!? The BS are simply collateral damage...I had NO choice in this situation...and yet it's at my feet. Yes, I know I can control myself, my thoughts and etc...but where is the FREAKING fallout for OW?! OW stole my H for a time, currently has stolen my MIL, stole (I feel as I miscarried) my child, and OW gets to be happy!? Yes, OW didn't get H...but OW is NOT in pain like I am. OW doesn't have to deal with the pain of betrayal...or deal with the aftermath. Nope. OW now has a pawn to use for 18 years against my H. OW only had oc to "win" H back...UGH! I am so upset right now. Devastated all over again. I know pictures only show good moments...but FREAKING STILL! Where is the karma bus? When do I get a break!? It just isn't fair.
I feel like my future has been stolen from me. I feel like I will never have my own family. That H won't ever want one with me. I don't want to let OW win.... but it seems OW has...I am the one in the warfield. The one trying to cope with oc, OW, and a clearly depressed, but doesn't want help H.
I hate this.
I posted a pic of me, some of DD, and FWH even made it in there.
I'll leave them up for a few days, I would love to see everyone else and their kids, if you guys are comfortable (mine will only be up for a few days, and then *POOF*).
I hope everyone is doing well.
i totally get where you are coming from. it must hurt so badly to watch all of this and wonder...wonder if, wonder when, and with whom you might make a happier family. we're with you out here. i know it's not much but it sure helps me limp along sometimes.