She says she texted a NC and we are considering sending a formal letter.
The OM doesn't know the child is his. I think he might wonder though. In E-mails he sent to my wife after our (her) son was born he was asking for pictures of the OC with his eyes open... makes me sick. He was also at the hospital the day after OC was born and I remember feeling VERY uncomfortable about the way he looked at OC. Of course I didn't know ANY of this back then.
Anyways, if he did think OC was his son he hasn't made any attempt to determine paternity. Of course, he was speaking with my WW at least twice a month so who knows what topics came up.
My WW recently posted here... her screen name is betrayer47... she didn't recount much of the story but you can read all of the lurid details in my recent posts.
I have an appointment with a family law attorney on Monday to determine my rights for both a possible future divorce or if R is the way to go for parental rights.
((Alexa)) I answered you in your other thread, I agree with the advice that NA gave to you. I always believe the best way to handle this is to be proactive rather than reactive. See the attorney and find out your rights so that you have a clear picture of what your options are. Do what is right for you, only you know what you can live with. Hugs to you.
I already have a meeting with an attorney. I was seeking out specific input on what my life would look like if I choose R and try to raise the OC as my own.
I did everything the wrong way, just didn't know any better. I was thinking too much of the innocent child.
The OW had the child after we were married a year. I didn't find out until the child was 2, and that was completely by accident.
I never put down my foot, and my ex and I didn't act as a united team. It was a nightmare. She was collecting welfare for the child and child support from us, plus thousands and thousands of dollars for "emergencies". She refused to get anything done legally.
We had the child most of the time, because she was such a flake. But when the little girl turned 8, mom took her and moved across the country with her newest boyfriend, changed her name, and we had no contact.
During that time, we had two boys, and they were 6 and 3 when their sister disappeared from their life.
I have always talked about their sister, and I'm glad because she contacted my youngest on his FB page 10 years ago.
My ex died before we found her again. She has moved to our town and she and my sons are best friends and like 3 peas in a pod. She has only wonderful memories of those days with us, which were a nightmare to me. I'm thankful.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have divorce WH if he wanted to have OW anywhere in his life. If he wouldn't go to an attorney and make things legal, I would divorce him.
Otherwise, the OP runs your life, and oh, yes, it's always for the benefit of the child.
Good luck. Take your time.
My WxSO is so delusional. I truly believe that he believes all the crap that he is spewing. It's so sad...he has turned into such a stranger to me.
And you know what else has bothered me lately? That his parents never reached out to me after this all happened... because their little boy is so perfect that it must have been all my fault that this happened. I never had a great relationship with them, but I thought they may call and at least say they were sorry. Guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
Oh, and he still has no plans to take a paternity test because he's convinced it's his...
Someone please tell me I am better off without him and that I will meet someone who will make me forget about this loser.
I just wanted to let you know you were heard.
I don't have much to say....I'm completely absorbed in my own pain today.
But I'm always thinking about you (and the rest of our gang here).
I'm so sorry.....
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
Long story, but my WH never got a paternity test, although the child did look exactly like him.
Nothing was ever done legally and it was a huge mess.
After many years, the OC and my sons reunited. They wanted to get tested to be sure. It cost them $2,000. because my WH was dead, they had different mothers, and the test was to see if they were siblings.
It would have been so much simpler to do it at the begining.
i'm home at my parents for this holiday. my birthday is tomorrow and i fly back to where i live with my DD. this weekend was my 20 year high school reunion and it was stellar. i wasn't "all that" in high school, but am pretty attractive and confident now. it was fantastic for my ego (ie. formerly snotty cheerleader comment, "shutUP! that's _____?" i shouldn't care, but yay.)
BIG REVEAL - i also flirted and kissed a really sweet guy who's now a single dad and lives no where near me IRL. (OMG! i did WHAT?) i'm watching myself sabotage any idea of R. it's like my mind and my heart are in battle and i can't quite integrate the two but i'm pushing pushing pushing away even though i love WH. i'm freaking out a bit because i'm not going to be a liar but i don't know how the hell or when i will tell him (in or just before MC this week? oh god, i hate this feeling, like i cheated even though i've made no promises during this S ... i need to talk to my IC). i don't think WH could handle me "being confused" right now and succombing to someone totally polite and respectful to me during this S. i've always felt that if i stepped out at all during this S, even just this goodnight kiss, that would mean we were done. i guess we'll see what happens now.
i feel SO GUILTY at the idea of telling WH that i can't R with him, even if he's remorseful and i still love him. i'm so confused. we've been separated now for 7 months and all my friends who've watched me kill myself for this relationship were happy to see me flirt and share a goodnight kiss. i'm so not looking to find another guy anytime soon, and definitely not and dating or anything before final decisions are made and discussed. ack, i don't know up from down, me from me anymore.
then there's my brother. we've been so close for so long, my soft place to land in my FOO. a few years ago he started to change, turn into my dad a bit. now his wife has had a 1 year EA/PA with his best friend. the thing is, even as i HATE to see him go through this, and ache for him and all the pain of this betrayal, i really really understand why his wife is so unhappy in their marriage. (note: i did NOT say that its ok she cheated.) as a women, though, i wouldn't have put up with his domineering, condescending bs all this time. he's been mean, emotionally absent, selfish, dominant, emotionally abusive, sexually intimidating/demeaning...he's an SA but would never stray, just make his WW crazy. (ie. 13 years of marriage and him still claiming that his "needs" every 36 hours are a reasonable expectation, even just two weeks after childbirth. they have kids less than 11 mo apart.)
very recently he's been "born again" into some really bizarre church. he spent most of my holiday speaking gently to me about how if i D my WH even though he's remorseful, "it's because satan is inside me" and if necessary, God wants me to spend the rest of my life trying to "save WH." he also told his kids (13, 11, 4, 3) that mommy has satan inside her, and so does aunt ___ because we are "leaving our Hs." he never bothered to tell the any of them about OC or why i'm likely leaving WH, just that i'm basically possessed and probably on a path to hell for doing so, along with their mommy.
OMFGGGGGGGGGG! i need to get back home and far away from most of my FOO. my parents have been good, and they do agree that my brother is telling his young kids WAY too much, but this is all TOOOOO MUCH drama for me. my SIL is confiding in me, my brother, all while i'm dying inside myself. my brother is telling me that if a man and a wife split after conceiving children in love, that there is no way to ever convince those kids that they weren't mistakes.
i know i just need to ignore it all. but i love him and i miss him and i hurt for him...all while i'm livid at what he's doing to his kids, all in the name of God and "breaking the cycle of divorce" from his WW's FOO. then there is how he's judging me. i just can't believe how much crap he will follow me around trying to assert. i've had to tell him forcefully to JUST STOPPPP!!!!! on several occasions, that i can't take this right now. (picture teeth grinding, vein popping anger behind my voice).
sorry to vent. my parents don't get this part, they just think my SIL isn't christian enough and totally selfish (not that my brother has been visibly selfish for their entire marriage, or that he made sure she knew she was his "second" choice for years before he committed to her.)
i'm so confused as i find myself defending her, but i've hurt for her for a long time.
i'll go ahead and apologize for rambling, too. thanks for reading. this world is so f-ed up.
by the way - OMG Finesse, you think OW is here on SI? do you think she knows who you are?
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
Sorry you're here, glad you found us. The decision to R is yours and it takes some thought as does the decision to raise OC.
One thing I would say IMHO the OC situation cannot be ignored. OM may try for paternity, visitation etc. just to mess with your M and R. You can tell from this forum how manipulative OM/OW can be using their OC.
The OC in my situation lives 2 houses down. OW is always in view. This is hard for me (we're trying to get our finances in order to move). FWH and I have VERY good boundaries now, we are a united front. I know that OW and my BIL like to pass OC off as BIL's C, I think it is hard for BIL to take care of OC and OW's other 2 C. I told FWH that if I felt I wanted to mistreat OC, that I would leave the M. It is not OC's fault for that his parents have done. You have to do what's right for you.
Breathing a sigh of relief and praying that our R can continue on from here, minus one lowlife OW.
((((hugs to everyone and thank you for your support and advice since I joined this board)))
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
Alexa....I have been following your story. I am so sorry for the situation. None of us EVER expected to be here. I just wanted to let you know that I am adopted. My birth mother was killed in by a drunk driver. My grandmother adopted me with her husband. My "dad" (he IS my dad) is NOT blood related to me AT ALL. In fact, I call and have called both of them mom and dad since I can remember. Yes, I know the truth. I even know that my birt father left me behind. I use to want to know who he is, but I realized that I didn't care. That LOSER left ME! And I am pretty damn awesome, if I do say so myself Anyway, the point is...I was loved. It didn't matter in the long run who my real parents were because it didn't matter. I was loved in the best way possible. If you want to continue being the father to YOUR son. DO IT. Go for custody if you want. He IS YOURS. Perhaps that's why I am considering R with an OC?! My heart bleeds for you....
Whalers...how are you? I know you have been struggling. Has X gotten his head out of his ass? How are you? What are you doing FOR YOU?
Stretch....take some time out and think about why you did what you did. Do you think you really want to R? And as for defending your SIL...I understand. You know your family pretty well I assume and could see what was going on. My ILs did...they just didn't want to clue ME in about it. Besides, I thinkn sypathy for others makes us special. We can see the other persons side and take it for what it's worth. We CARE. Why else would we want to R these idiots who throw everything away?
So, my LAME ass MIL did call the other day. I ignored it. WH had told her how we took my dad out (he is still in the rehab from his accident). She thought it was GREAT. Whoopty doo! Gee, I didn't need your approval to take MY dad out! Then she goes on and says that she was just checking on me and hope my 4th goes well. Whatever! Where was my family invite!? Where were all the other calls of "checking on me" since February!? ESPECIALLY on the day OC was born!? HELLO!? She is as selfish as WH. She only checked in because WH has mentioned me. END OF STORY.
Anyway...the fourth was up and down. WH and I had a conversation... I went to the beach with my dog Except that I was sad....WE were suppose to do something TOGETHER. Just us. To reclaim the shittiness that is the 4th (the 4th WH took whore to watch fireworks with his siblings). Nope...he lost his wallet and I didn't want to wait. Then I got home hours later and he was gone. "Driving along to think". Gee thanks for letting me know....anyway, we did end up going to WH's best friend's (let's call him Bill) to watch fireworks. This is the ONLY friend that WH has told. Bill was ESTATIC to see me He told me "I am so glad Mr. Finesse brought you." We talked and Bill told me how WH does appreciate that I didn't leave him. So I asked "why doesn't he show it?" Bill said we would get together and talk. I hope we do, only to get an insiders opinion. Bill told me that he doesn't let WH get away with anything. Bill is actually the son of a dad who had an affair that resulted in an OC...so he gets it. Anyway, he was great to see and talk to. I had a good time :) I was talking to everyone. Only one time did I kind of freeze....WH quickly came over and asked me what was wrong....babies...everywhere. Yep. But the night ended well. The morning, not so much. But that is another story for another time. I tried to post something about it....but sometimes I get scared of the reaction I will get
Thinking of you all!
OH! Yeah, I do think OW is on SI....OW hasn't posted...lurking I guess. It's just too far a coincidnece....
[This message edited by Finesse026 at 7:05 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]
Finesse, we have been in R for eleven weeks, well maybe about nine weeks, but either way, he has make a remarkable turn around and I feel we are both emotionally and physically invested in our marriage and wanting to staying together. As everyone says, actions speak louder than words and as long as he keeps on like he has been with his actions, I can see us making it (if not I still have my escape plan, just to be on the safe side!)
I hope that OW isn't on here but if she is, she will see that you have a great support system!
Though most of us on this thread are BWs - we are all trying to wrap our heads around the OC situation - what it means for us, our M and our families. I think that one of the biggest challenges in dealing with an OC is letting go of all those picture-perfect paradigms of family and marriage... all the sudden your life falls outside "normal" and it is hard not to judge yourself for landing there.
I am sure that you have heard it a lot, but getting through all this takes time. And, with time, there comes an acceptance of the situation. I have found that when I finally accepted this new (albeit unconventional, and maybe "abnormal") reality, I judged myself less and gave myself and my FWH permission and the freedom to move forward. It took me about 10 months to start thinking this way. You mentioned that YOUR SON (& he is YOUR SON regardless of genetics) is triggering you... while I don't know how this feels (it must be agonizing) I did feel like FWH was a trigger... like I was sitting next to, sleeping next to a trigger - my H was basically a stand-in for his A. But again, as time passed, a new reality seeped in. I see my FWH differently than I did before the A, but I accept what he has done and I have found a way to love him again. Not going to lie, some days it is hard.
Now for something that you may not have heard... It seems really counter-intuitive, but I do believe that love is what gets you through this difficult experience. It is SOOO scary to love again (whether you R or D) but without love in our lives we are only living at maybe 20%. It is ok that you still love your wife even though she hurt you so deeply - do not judge yourself for that! It is ok that you love your son even though he doesn't have your dna. Allow yourself to feel how you feel - even when it is a confusing mess of emotions. The more in touch you are with them, the easier they are to detangle through this process.
On this thread we all have different OC-sitchs but what I hope you get from this thread is that each person is progressing through their trauma. There is progress and there is hope in each of our stories, and their is in yours too.
Keep posting and sharing - we'll be here for you.
Allow yourself to feel how you feel - even when it is a confusing mess of emotions. The more in touch you are with them, the easier they are to detangle through this process.
This is EXACTLY what my IC said. Your feelings are YOUR feelings. They are not right or wrong, but they are yours. Surviving is right....allow your self to feel them. That's how we learn, grow, and really figure out where we arein all of this.
Best of wishes....hugs to all...
we were talking casually and lightly about my reunion and he asked me point blank, out of the blue, "did you kiss anyone?" i just told the truth. it felt good after being so nervous about it. he handled it as well as can be expected and we talked alot. i'm freakin' exhausted. we'll see how he holds up with this, i know it really hurt his feelings. i feel terrible about that, but i'm not playing any games with him, i'm just doing the best i can.
what a weird night to process. i am going to tell nice guy that i am nowhere near any sort of finish to my sordid business here. he's too nice to drag into my mess anyway. but really, i'm just so keenly aware that being stupid with some guy right now isn't going to help. i love my DD too much to escape my problems that way.
so there was a long time tonight, for the first time, that i felt totally detached from the idea of R...at some kind of sad peace with the idea that my heart is just broken. then, just before he left, i managed to forcefully "crack" the door open to my heart and have some kind of hope. it's getting harder and harder. i feel like i detached so much this trip. we'll see what sticks.
it's funny, i wanted to come on and tell you all that i was honest with WH. i felt like a cheater with a secret and was really concerned about what you guys would think. now, with WH, i feel like an honest, confused BS with an OC siutation and lots of crap to sort through. back to real life.
we're here. i'll be checking on you.
Thanks for the post... what you say about accepting that my family is not normal is almost exactly what my mother said when I told her about the situation. She said that we all want the "perfect" family and it is hard sometimes to accept that it isn't.
I spent a lot of time with my boy today. I do love him very much. I hope the thoughts of resemblance to the OM leave with time. Either way I'm not going to let it stop me from hugging and kissing him.
My WW on the other hand... well, that's still very much in the air. I will say my instinct is definitely a fight or flight response. My first inkling is to RUN! When I stop and think about what that means for my boy though...
I suppose some time will bring clarity. I'm still only 1 week out from the DNA test so this is all very raw.
My WW hasn't really been stepping to the plate recently adn I had hoped we could be moving in a better direction by now. Unfortunately it has been two step forward and one back... sometimes two or three back.
Thanks for the reply... I appreciate you taking the time.
So sorry you are here. I do believe there are more OC out there conceived with OM, that the BH never knows about. So much easier to go NC w/OM and pawn off OC as COM. Even if BH knew about PA, they might have a false sense of security and believe that WW used protection w/OM (lies of course). How many proud fathers are too afraid to ask fWW for DNA on OC/COM? I think they believe that fWW is giving BH a COM as part of R.
Okay, what do you want? Do you want to take responsibility for DS? Do you want OM being involved in your lives forever (16 years until adult, but what about grandchildren & DIL etc.) In our state, whether the child is COM or not, if it's born during M, it's considered COM and would have to pay CS if you D. What if R doesn't work and you D, do you think WW will then say "DS isn't his child anyway, he shouldn't have visitation or joint custody." What do you want to happen? A lawyer would be best able to tell you what rights you have to raise OC as your own. But, there's always that wildcard, that OM comes back into the picture wanting to be father to OC.
I know that even attempting R right now isn't on your mind. You are confused & hurt. Yes, finding out about EA/PA is difficult, but finding out that an innocent child you loved is OC is heartbreaking also. Many here love OC as their own. I myself have difficulty looking @OC without triggering, especially after EA/PA#3. Try as I might, I can only care for OC like a big sister or relative might do, not really bonding w/OC like I have w/COM. I think I distance myself from OC on purpose. It is wrong, but it's what I do.
If fWW had a child before you married and she asked you to step in and raise that child with her, would you have done it? I often wonder how OW's BH#2 was able to date a pregnant woman and then marry her? Stepping up and taking much of the responsibility for caring for OC, when OC was actually in their home.
Find out legal options.
Don't make rush decisions.
Set down with fWW and discuss feelings about OC.
Set down with fWW and discuss NC w/OM.
Set down with fWW and tell her how her behavior is hurting you and you are scared and confused and that you need her support.
If R is even considered, you need to set some boundaries that will make you more comfortable.
Don't stop loving OC just because he isn't yours...he will not stop loving you. I think, if OC has been born during S and you knew upfront that he wasn't your child, you probably wouldn't have stayed together. The problem now is, that you have your heart & soul invested in this little child and you feel your grasp on family & reality being pulled out from under you. And, I know the tendancy to R to keep OC is there too. If there were no children involved, would you have even considered R?
What would be the perfect thing would be if OM somehow gave up rights to OC completely. You wouldn't really have to adopt OC, because you're already on birth certificate, but everything would be clean knowing OM wasn't going to rear his ugly head 5-10 years from now wanting visitation or something. If something happened to you both today, would you want all these lose ends & OC to go live w/OM or have OC be raised by ILs or your parents (or maybe relative in your family)?
Do family members know about her A? Had anyone else ever questioned you like "is there a chance that COM isn't yours?"
It's not like you can go NC w/OM & OC, like some are able to do w/OW&OC....he is right there staring at you, loving you, calling for you when he's hurt or scared.
I'm so sorry that this happened. Was OC planned in any way, or just careless behavior w/OM?