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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Support Thread (BS Only)-New Thread
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alexa,

I see from you profile that fWW had 125+ encounters w/OM. Has she given you any reason to belive she is NC at all w/OM? Do you have any of their e-mails that might mention "I think OC might be yours?" Anything she does that suggests she is remourseful and wants to raise OC with you as a family?

Is there a chance that you could seek IC? The depression over OC can hit very hard and be very difficult to overcome on top of the EA/PA itself.

I have a suggestion for you & many of us who trigger when seeing OC. Maybe when it hits, try to refocus. Say, okay, I love fWS. This is fWS's child and I am responsible for OC whether it is my child or not. When the physical characteristics of OP are evident in OC, then look harder. Try to focus more on: Yes, there are the eyes that so resemble WS's, there is the dimple that looks just like COM's dimple, and so-on. I see OW in OC so much as she ages, but my first inclination that OC belonged to fWH was her resemblance to DS10. When OC was young, both she & DS10 had blue eyes. Now her eyes are hazel, like fWH's. fWH, COM, and OC all share the same nose. fWH, DS10, and OC9 have the same narrow eyes. Unfortunately for OC, she has fWH's ugly toes. Maybe if we can focus on something more positive, we can quit seeing OP and only see OC (a flesh & blood part of this family).

Someone at church asked me recently "where did OC get such dark hair?" I couldn't resist saying "from her mother, I am her stepmom." Yes, I smacked my hand for saying it so abruptly, but I just can't help snapping sometimes.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alexa,

I should mention though...that you are in a most ideal situation. Your WS needs a stable parent for OC and whether you stay or go, it will be very unlikely that OC will remember anything at that age.

And, don't feel guilty for what you decide either. You had this choice thrown on you and not many people could say one way or another what they'd really do if faced with the same situation. I mean, most people here probably said "oh, I'd leave my spouse if they ever cheated." Or "I'd leave my spouse if they brought home a child from someone else." Hmmm. In reality, some of us (how sane or not the decision) stuck it out. It isn't easy to R w/OC involved - it isn't easy to leave someone you love either (I couldn't do it - not with him begging & blubbering about how much he loved me after EA/PA#3 w/OC's mother). Some of us also have long-term EA/PAs to deal with (not just ONS and total insanity on WS part).

Infidelity beats you down & then finding that the person you gave your heart to also has a constant reminder & one of the largest ongoing triggers I can imagine.

In reading your other posts...I do think you want to be OC's father, just not maybe WW's husband anymore. And, who could blame you for wanting to protect yourself physically (from threat of disease) and emotionally from being hurt again.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my heart is a brick anchoring a thousand flying thoughts. i can't make the wheels stop spinning. the more i push away, the harder WH shows he is trying. WHY NOW???? WHY NOT BEFORE MARRYING ME TO YOUR STUPID LITTLE FLING? i told him it's her i'll be divorcing. he can't "counsel" her away. nothing he does for himself can protect me from her drama completely. since he can't be perfect, we are BOUND to fight about her, about the OC, about it all. i just don't think i can do it.

i want to die, be reborn, shed this GUILT. this is too hard. agony is too light a word.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((stretch))


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2069 | Registered: Feb 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((stretch)))

You can get through this, no matter what the choice.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting a sinking feeling about OW again.

OC mentioned that OW is again sleeping in toddler sis's bed and toddler/BH#2 are sleeping in the parents' room. I suspect something isn't going well in their M. As part of their R, OW and BH#2 had gotten a bigger bed so both of them & toddler could sleep together.

Yesterday, OW was texting, texting, texting as I pulled out of park w/OC. It most likely wasn't texting w/BH#2, as per her FB he is on 2nd shift. She has been shipping OC & toddler off to Auntie or sometimes OC has been spending night w/friends. OC has said the past 3 weeks, that she'd spent 1-2 days @someone else's house. She runs roads (literally) at Auntie's house w/her 11/12-year-old cousin. I worry about her being kidnapped or abused in some way, with so little supervision. She left her cell charger @OW's house, so did not even have a way (except cousin's phone) to call for help, if needed. She is so tall & has a pretty face...we live in redneck country...I just worry about some preteen boys messing w/OC or something. I know she'd love the attention, but is so young she might not realize something they'd do would be wrong.

I blocked all texting except my numbers & fWH's friend going to fWH's phone, but I cannot block picturemail. OW could still send him nudes & I couldn't do anything about it.

I am just so afraid that OW is feeling needy again, and might start fishing for fWH's affections.

On the up note, if OW isn't after fWH, it almost appears that she's found her a new OM or OW (not good for BH#2 though). She has all that free time & has a new laptop and is online at all hours day/night (can tell from her gaming stuff on facebook).

I just get so worried about OW trying to put a wedge between us again. After all we've been through & fWH begging & pleading & crying for me to stay after A#3, I just don't know if I'd have any strength left to leave him if he had another A w/OW (or anyone else for that matter).

OC didn't even say hello or hug fWH when she got home yesterday. I guess that's better than fighting w/DS10, but it hurt fWH's feelings.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If there wasn't a baby, I'd be with you..."

Someone 2x4 me and tell me to stop engaging with him.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2069 | Registered: Feb 2010
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is like an exorcism. he's desperate and trying. i'm handling my heartbreak and feeling his. it's all too much, too much. paternity in about three weeks, supposedly. they are doing international, chain of custody testing. i feel like if the parents don't want that baby to be his, they'll fake it and pay off the doctor in ethiopia. like i'll never believe it isn't his, only that it is.

i don't want anything to do with him while this is going on. i can't handle it. i'll go to MC next week, but that's it except for business and littlebean. it's so hard to hurt him like this, even though he did this to himself and to his family.

arg arg arg arg

thanks for the hugs, i need the acknowledgement so badly right now. this is the most painful week since dday.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how are you whalers?


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Whalers....(((hugs)))


Well...I think I'm moving to another thread. WH may not ever want kids...I do and I can't stay in an M where some fucking whore has one of his and I don't.

I'm dying inside.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does it seems like everyone is going through a rough patch right now?? Not just here... co-workers, friends, etc.

((Finesse)) Why prompted your husband to decide that??


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2069 | Registered: Feb 2010
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking the same. Everthing is a mess...

I'm not just dealing with the A (which hardly think about), my WH, oc, but also my dad, his finances (he is in HUGE debt), his long term care payments, getting him MediCal, as well as the empending doom of my m.

I don't know what brought him to this. Probably his own f'ing fear. I'm sure he's afraid that because he feels nothing for oc that he'd feel the same for com. It sucks. How could h compare something not wanted to our own where it would come from love abd he'd be fully involved from the beginning?

I can't stay any more. He does only the minimum anyway. He isn't fighting for me or us. So I am not either. I can't afford a d or s right now, so I have to just float.

I tried to leave, just for a couple of days and couldn't do it. Too much I have to take care of. And of I did, I'd feel guilty for spending money I should put elsewhere. (((sigh)))

I'm a mess. Devistated.

Idiot WH sent me this after I told him I didn't want this, but can't be in an m where I don't have kids but whore has one: "I'm not really okay with everything either. Sad."

WTF!?! Not really okay?! If you weren't "okay" you would f'ing DO something about it. We could work on us and on him and discuss kids later. But whatever. I need to stop fighting for something only I want. That is pretty clear. It hurts. I'm crying. But I don't know what else to do.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finesse, I think we are both in the same spot... fighting for someone that doesn't want to fight for us. The truth is, there is someone out there who would fight for us if it came down to it. We just need to give ourselves a chance to find them. All we are doing is wasting time and energy on a situation we have no control over.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2069 | Registered: Feb 2010
mellowmood
♀ Member
Member # 2097
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry. That would have been it for me if my didn't want kids after having an OC. But he was all for it.

Of course he left when my boys were 2 and 5, but at least I have my sons.


Posts: 2755 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: oceanside, calif.
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excatly why I can no longer stay.

I've done everything I can...I gave the best of me to WH and our M.


(((sigh)))



Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
mellowmood
♀ Member
Member # 2097
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would do the 180 on him. No use in crying and fighting. Just let him know that not having your own child is a dealbreaker for you.

I mean, come on, what a selfish ass.


Posts: 2755 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: oceanside, calif.
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did and I am. I made a "last supper" of sorts tonight and told him that's what it was. I told him thank you for the all the great memories, that I gave all I had. And that I was sorry he wouldn't. Then I got up and cleaned the dishes and walked away. He tried to hug me, I walked away.

It's hard because of the crap with my dad. WH was always there for me and my dad. This sucks.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for the anguish that everyone is going thru right now. ((Whalers)), you need to disengage, do not give him more opportunities to speak to you and mess with your mind. NC and 180 him, I know it hurts right now, but it is for the best, you are so much more than your relationship with this man, you need to get back your self worth. Hopefully he has nothing else he needs to get from your household or reasons to talk to you, if he does,find a third party to handle it. Remember look at his actions, not his words. Hugs to you.

Stretch, sometimes you have to let them clean up their own messes for your own survival. Take care of you and your little one. This situation is only going to get worse, especially if DNA is positive. Do what is right for you. Hugs to you.

Finesse, you have given so much, you have endured so much. I understand your limit and I believe that you have reached it. Rebuilding our relationships depends on the change in attitude of our WS. Unfortunately your h does not seem to have the will power to give you what you need. As much as it hurts now, you are saving yourself more heartache, more pain. You deserve so much more than to be in limbo, waiting for the next shoe to drop, it is not fair. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in trying to make things right, that we forget ourselves. I know it is hard to let go of the support that you had dealing with the situation with your dad, but not having to deal with his drama, may actually relieve some of your stress. Hugs to you.

Repeat, honestly you give the OW too much space in your life. Your H's reaction is what you need to look at. If he is unable to keep up his behavior towards the OW, you will be looking over your shoulder forever. I am not saying that you should not be concerned about what may be going on with her relationship, but I hope that your H has learned from the past and will not fall into that trap again. I feel your anguish in your posts and I don't know how you have kept it together so long. As far as OC, I too understand your concern for her, it was hard for me before we had custody, wondering what the OC were enduring, and knowing I had no control over it. Sadly, unless you are going to be able to take full custody of OC, what she goes thru is some what out of your control as well, and all you can do is pray that she stays safe. You are a very strong woman, but sometimes I think this is at the expense of your own happiness. You deserve to be happy, and I wish that for you. Hugs.

Hugs to us all.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
mellowmood
♀ Member
Member # 2097
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there and stay strong. You deserve more than hubby is willing to give right now.

Posts: 2755 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: oceanside, calif.
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a LONG time since I posted! So a long overdue hello to those of you that remember me and a nice to meet you to the new posters here

I wanted to give a huge hug to all of you suffering through this horrible situation (((((((everyone))))))

I also wanted to give you an update on my situation and let you know there IS light at the end of the tunnel. It has been almost 1 year since OW new H adopted OC and our lives just couldn't be better! My H and I are closer than we have ever been and I just can't put into words how wonderful it feels to not have to be so secretive about what is going on in our lives for fear of what OW might do. There is absolutely NOTHING she can do to hurt us ever again!! The atmosphere in our home has made a complete 180 and has been so much calmer and less tense. So much so in fact that after a lifelong struggle with my weight I have been able to get my crap together and have lost 108 pounds! So everyone please keep your heads up and don't give up! This horrible mess can be survived and conquered and with the help of a spouse who really wants to fix what they broke life can be fantastic

My love to you all and please don't give up the fight!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
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