I'm suffering right now. Not doing well. Had my WH yesterday. Really him. No guards or walls....today he's back to "nothingman". (((sigh)))
I hate my life. I feel more lost than ever. I have yet to catch a break. Always something. WH or my dad or my Dad's finances....shit is never ending right now. I was away last week for business...so nice and fun! Then WHAM!! The moment I'm back the shit storm not only picks up where it left off, but increases it's fury
I just want this maddness to stop and I feel helpless to do so. Nothing I do works in any aspect of my life...so I'm doing nothing. Perhaps that's okay for now. I just don't know anymore. I don't think I'm capable of being happy or making anyone else happy. I feel so empty at the moment and feel like I have no one to help me (not entirely true, I jus hate bringing everyone down).
Ugh. Typed more than I intended...and I know there is more in me....(((sigh)))
Going to go cry now. Thought I was past this part. Guess not.
Hugs and prayers to all.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
i'm thinking about you. pm or whatever if you need to, k?
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
I unblocked the asshat a couple week ago whem my uncle passed away because I felt like I should tell him since he was a part of my family for so long...just common courtesy, and I wasn't looking for a shoulder to cry on or anything.
We exchanged a few emails and for the most part they were very pleasant, but the tone was very acquanitance-like, nothing more. You would never had guessed we had an intimate relationship at one time.
So I said I wasn't going to block him again, but asked that he refrain from contacting me unless absolutely necessary.
He respected that for a while and then started to email me about stuff that was definitely not necessary - mostly about all this bad crap that was happening to him. I don't know what he was looking for.
First I had to hear about how he crashed the POS car he just bought a month or two ago and how the repairs are going to cost more than what he actually paid for the car...but he doesn't want to go through the insurance because his insurance is already really high.
I just responded with "Oh, that sucks. I know you were happy to finally have a car."
Then I had to hear about how he needed to have some dental surgery but it was going to be so expensive with no insurance.
I responded with "Health is very important and you are going to have to figure out a way to take care of it."
Then I got an email about how he got fired from his job...
I responded with "I'm sorry. Hope you find something else soon."
I probably would have not responded to any of them at all but he can be persistent when I ignore him and I didn't want to deal with that.
Plus, I think my cool responses towards him would upset him more because he was probably expecting me to coming running and save the day.
Quite honestly, I am enjoying watching the karma bus run over him, back up over him, and run him over again...
Another bizarre email from him today.
The gist was that he is so miserable, his life sucks, he is trying to do the right thing [presumably meaning take care of the OC] but he doesn't think he can do it anymore and he loves me and misses me very much every single day.
No mention of wanting to R though, which was a relief.
I am really not sure what he is looking for, so I sent him a non-emotional response:
"I'm sorry you are so unhappy. I am not sure why you are telling me this, but we cannot be friends. I gave you several chances to work things out and deal with this together and you turned me down and told me to move on with my life. So that is what I am doing."
He responded back:
"I understand. It's not your fault and it's not your problem. You need to do what is best for you."
I have no idea what he is up to, but the good thing is I feel very little in regards to him, just some slight satisfaction that he may be starting to feel as awful as he made me feel for so long.
i'm sorry you have to deal with this, it must tug and pull and make you angry and confused. your response again, though, was SUPERB.
i'm so here with you! you are inspiring, standing up for yourself and your life this way.
When I told fWH the week of D-day that I was thinking of D him, and then on D-day I had told him of the retainer, my fWH spoke of spending time as a family at our new place (once I moved out & we had joint custody), of proving his love for me, of me still going to Dr. appts with him, of me wearing my wedding/engagement rings, and getting a place with wheelchair access. Then I think it hit him, that I had been w/him all those years and that I wouldn't be there when he came home. I'm sure OW would've moved in shortly after our S, but at the time my fWH was devastated at the thought of losing me. Don't know what he expected after going back for another piece of cake almost 8 years after almost losing me over OC (and us having our own toddler & newborn COM in the mix).
Do you think you might consider R, if he changes his tune? If he begged you to take him back?
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 10:44 AM, August 4th (Wednesday)]
Wonder what those people think of us? The librarian said "OC has so & so this year. OW has already been here today." They know OC is younger than DS10 and the librarian even knew DS13 and our niece who's almost 16 went there also (many of teacher changed a few years ago, but some still remember a whole generation of our & BIL/SIL kids). Some know how long we've been together. Just like when OC started there....it was so weird for OW to gone to high school with OC's teacher, but seen us on open house night & at OC's gatherings/picnic etc.
Well, here's what I got fWH to agree to concering OC. We sent note to OW asking for her to get OC on Weds through Aug. So, I will still be running OC to OW at park every M-Th at 6PM(unless it's our Thur). And fWH wanted to remind OW that Sunday nights are ours once school starts back. Even though school starts/ends 40 mins later, he refused to even consider letting OW get OC on any day except this month Weds. when COM both have tutoring. I'm sure he'll cave on the basketball signups too. I'm sure he couldn't tell OC no, if she begged him to go to games and I know OW will sign OC up for spite. It'll be our luck that OC & her cousin would be on same team with my coworker's daughter (then she'll see OW all the time). The coach had asked coworker's daughter to play on her team this year, even though they aren't in our county schools (this is run by Boys/Girls club & anyone is welcome).
Keep your fingers crossed & pray for us that OW doesn't sign OC up again. Last 2 years of ballgames w/OW's shenanigans have been more than enough stress on top of A#3 and trickle truths about OC's conception.
I really don't think I would consider R at this point, even if he came back begging... I just don't think it would work in the long run.
In other news, as if I don't have enough going on, I have had someone contact me claiming to be my half-brother and also informing me I have a half-sister, as well. WTF I don't know if I can handle this...
as for us - wow, heavy times for FWH (and me). he was still trippin' along like OW was going to stay nice and not want to cause problems, based on how she acts in person with him and what she's said. she claimed she wasn't going to file for CS, but expected him to provide financial support, see OC as little or as much as you want, etc.
she was nice and he tried to sell me on that. i didn't want to hear any of it. sooooooo, yesterday she sends him a psycho-b$%ch email, the day after talking so nicely. she doesn't even have the baby here in the US but wants him to start giving her money to send to her mom in ethiopia for "dippers [sic], formula......." etc. she said really, really mean and nasty things, just like she said to me in the FB messages we exchanged around Dday before i blocked her. (all along he believed her when she said she didn't want any money). he told me he feels now like he's reading a craigslist scam email everytime she writes one.
he's scared, and the fog is finally, completely clearing. it's the saddest thing i've ever had to watch. yesterday, finally, he saw what a complicated mess he's made of his life...that he has to now deal with this woman, this child (who he doesn't even want pictures of at this point, but is working on the "it's my daughter" thing), that she's going to be scary, psycho and expensive and heartbreaking. that it will/has likely cost him his dear family (me and DD). he is truly devastated. watching him suffer the consequences of behavior he's stopped is achingly painful. (i know he brought it on himself, but it still breaks my heart to watch his shattering, even if he shattered mine already).
he opened the conversation in tears (never seen any in 7 years from him until 4 weeks ago), saying, "well, you were right. you called it." he was being vague and choked up. he finally squeaked out, "she's not a nice person."
i don't know how to feel. part of me is just the same horrible sad. part of me is relieved that my guts are right on some things and i'm not blowing out of proportion the risks this woman brings to his life (or ours if we R).
and before anyone says anything, i'm already "lawyering up" and have given him to same advice with regard to dealing with this.
this is all so epic. I'M TIRED OF HURTING.
We were contacted by the OW yesterday, first time in almost three months. She texted me first then called him from her work phone, it had not been blocked (oversight on my part but taken care of now) he answered it because I was sitting right here.
To go back a bit, with a little help, she had been contacted by someone inquiring about her due date right before the text and phone call (i didn't know the exact date before this) and the same person who inquired (love you girl!) mentioned that a paternity test will be forthcoming by my FWH. This was done because I was getting scared because we haven't heard from her and I wanted to see where she was in this process. As in what she was thinking was going to happen, because she told us to pretty much go away when she was informed that "sure, he would go to the prenatal visits with her, as long as I was there as well"
So after the phone call I came to several conclusions...
one...he hasn't been in contact with her, he was too uncomfortable on the phone, he got sick to his stomach during and after the conversation and there was no emotion whatsoever in his voice. That made me very happy.
two...Nc was broken, only because I was there and I was expecting the call. He agreed that was the final phone call between them, that everything from here on out will go through me, even if she calls his place of work, he will hang up on her. She has my phone number and can contact me. She has been informed that all contact must go through me, it's time for her to get it through her head that is how it's going to be from here on out.
three...she informed me in the text that she doesn't have to have a paternity test and she wants us to go away and leave her alone. I guess she doesn't realize that it will be court ordered for her to submit to a paternity test by our lawyer.
four...when she asked if he had a lawyer and he replied, "yes, that's what people do in situations like this one" her reply was, "why?????" while crying. I guess she really has thought that she would be able to keep us out of the OC's life.
five...I don't think she realized that when you have unprotected sex with a married man, then you get pregnant, the wife is going to be a part of the child's life too. Previously I have been told that I would never be a part of the child's life. Gonna be really hard to accomplish that given that the child will be here for visitation and/or full time if she is found to be using drugs while pg. That's another very likely possibility since she isn't getting the normal prenatal care in the last few months.
six...it seems very odd to me that she didn't even mention the fact that she has had an ultrasound and found out the sex of the baby (boy) to my FWH nor did she say, "i don't need a paternity test, i know it's yours" the whole conversation was just about the fact that she didn't want us to get a lawyer and get involved.
I'm just totally amazed by her being so clueless and dare I say......stupid?
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
i'm feeling a tiny bit calmer myself. i'm not going to analyze that at all.
i just wanted to wish everyone a good night. repeat - i wish you simple, uncomplicated dreams (and upcoming seasons :)
It is not something we want, but he sees no other way. I posted my story in general.
I am heartbroken and don't know what to do.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 2:18 PM, August 6th (Friday)]
help me understand though - he's not really "leaving" you and taking OC? you guys just have to live separately for a while because he feels he has no other "choice"? are we talking straight logistics or are you guys splitting up?
you've been through soooo much. take care of you. we're here.
[This message edited by stretch13 at 10:37 AM, August 6th (Friday)]
As for us, it's always odd here. OC busted me looking at Facebook...guess who's page I was looking at? I know, shame on me. She said "how did you get a picture of me & my sister?" It's OW's main photo.
OC spent one night (yet again) with someone else last week. Does OW ever have her? She was with Auntie for one night, then she and family spent next whole day basically camping out at OW's mother's house.
And, when OC9 came home yesterday, she said "my mom made me shave my legs before I came here yesterday?" Am I really behind the times, or do you guys see the logic in a non-sexually-active 9 1/2-year-old needing her legs shaved? What is up with that? She's embarrassed by OC's legs, yet she won't exercise with OC so she can keep from getting diabetes and has a huge gut (almost like being preggers). I try to get her exercising w/me, but fWH doesn't back me up on it and she says stuff like "I have bad ankles like my mom." Well, if OW weren't so heavy, she might not have so much knee/ankle trouble. I know it helped my knees to lose 35 lbs. Anyway...have a good weekend.
Eyes: that's such good news about fWH realizing that OW isn't a good person. I think it took us trying to resolve the custody/support issues legally, that brought out OW's true colors in our case (she had more $$$ coming in for years than us combined, but claimed all the time she had no $$$ to buy things for OC so we'd cough up more so she wouldn't do w/out). How can you look someone in the face and say "OC doesn't have $$$ for a $20 yearbook, could you give her $$$ so she can get one" when you make >$70,000 annually and draw over $4800 annually in non-court-ordered verbal agreement CS?
Eyes: how much chance do you think there is that OC isn't fWH's child? She seems to either be surprised he wants DNA, or insulted that he believes she might've had other lovers.
If I'd have known OC was planned....we probably would've saved the $500 for DNA. I kept hoping she was a huge tramp and not really in-love w/fWH.
I just keep hoping that we can find a place for all of us before he signs a lease.
We've had a rough month though not with R. We lost our baby girl that was due in October. We still don't know why and are hoping to get some answers when I go back in a couple of weeks for follow up. We are slowly doing better but everyday is still hard.
My H told me that he was so incredibly sorry for everything that he has put me through. That no one should have to experience losing a child or having your spouse be unfaithful and create a child with someone else, but to have to endure both in less than 4 years just is wrong.
We are going through some other major changes as well creating extra stress but it will hopefully all be worth it when we are done.