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User Topic: OC Support Thread (BS Only)-New Thread
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 13th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is moving out tonight. I guess we will be living apart for at least 1 yr. I wish there was another way.

Just want to add, that this is not A related or OC related.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:03 AM, August 13th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, August 13th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry BMC. Which children are moving with him? Do you think there will be R at some point? I know you love all the kids & will miss them, if they leave.

RED FLAGS,
Yes, I see them. I have this fear that he'll either start online chatting on porn sites again (the free preview ones) just for spite because I have a FB account & post on male & female friends' walls about their kids' photos & other meaningless stuff. Or, that he'll start calling female ex-coworkers who were fairly good friends. I don't know if he'd start texting OW or anything like that again. I'm just really scared. Why does it have to be so hard sometimes? Isn't it enough that we have OC issues constantly?

Oh, BTW. OC is supposed to call OW afterschool daily. She tried & tried OW's cell and nothing. She called their home & BH#2 said he had been trying to find OW and had no idea where she'd gone. OC said she runs roads all day, now that she & sis are in school. OC insisted that OW never lets her cell run out of charge. I suggested maybe she was inside Wal-mart or something w/out signal. It was almost time for me to take OC to park for pickup when OW called her. OC had been trying to call her since around 3PM until after 5:30PM. fWH, COM & OC were at DS13's jujitsu practice until I picked OC & DS10 up after work, so I know OW wasn't with fWH.

I just hope fWH was being a brat and does not try some type of revenge A, to make me pay for past yet again....or pay for having a FB account with <1% of my friends being male (all of them either being church leaders or old HS friends who were my nerds or geeky band friends).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 13th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, hugs to everyone with all the trials we are all going through :(

I have tried to be strong all along but sometimes I feel the way the rest do, like I don't know if when it comes down to the OC being born and all that will come with it, will I be able to still be strong or will I want to just walk away? I have clear boundaries set about future contact etc but I still feel like its going to be a huge problem.

Don't know where I'm going with this today, I really am in a good mood for the most part, just questioning the future I guess.

Hugs to everyone!


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 13th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((want2bok)))))))
So sorry for your loss, I could not begin to imagine the pain you are going through. Stay strong, ask for help if needed and be good to you.

Repeat, perhaps Keylogger would be in order, instead of imagining what FWH is doing, check and then you'd know, IMHO.

Our sitch is going okay, OW plays petty games, FWH will text to ask how OC is, OW will ignore, repeated requests, then asks BIL and OW will text back "okay or cranky" and make some lame excuse about her phone not working. FIL has seen BIL and OW sitting in his house ignoring FWH's texts. Just immature game playing. Our M and R is going well, we are still doing MC, but may have to pay now as my employee assistance program has been cut down to 6 family sessions instead of 6 each (we planned 1 MC/IC a month for this year) Our MC is great though and said if need be, he would charge us for a 1/2 session and still do IC for me, FWH then MC. It helps to have support like that.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 15th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh sent me an email this morning saying:

How am I ever supossed to be happy again?

WTF does this mean?!


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 15th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finesse, I have no idea what that means, but it's something that HE needs to figure out - not you.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2060 | Registered: Feb 2010
green_eyed_devil
♀ Member
Member # 18139
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 15th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a while since I've posted here. But want to give some of you hope now that things are moving along.

Last Aug DH agreed to let OW's new husband adopt OC. October 09 he signed a release stating he would agreed to adoption proceedings. It took OW 5 months to come up with the $350 filing fee , then the GAL was out of the country on vacation all summer (or so the story goes). After many calls to the lawyer, OW and anyone else involved we finally got a court date. OW and her husband are set to go before the judge on Tuesday. I think my husband is going to go, although he doesn't have to, just to make sure things are done and he'll know first hand. I am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes how it should and there are no problems. I've been waiting for this day for over 8 years. I want this OW and OC out of my life for good. NO more police reports, court visits, harassing phone calls or threats. I stopped caring what happened to OC a year ago. It only caused more problems and her mother wasn't going to change. Since then I have been more relaxed and less stressed. Dh stopped his visitations a few months ago.

This is the only place I feel I can go and say "thank god this child and woman will be out of my life". Any place else I'm criticized for it, told "but it's your husbands child, what if he did that to yours?". Well, I'm here to say it's not the same and only those who have been through it understand.


Me FBS 30 Him FWS 31
Together since 3/96, married 03/07
our children D13, S10, S8
EA began 3/02 which lead to their marriage in 7/02, left her 9/03 divorce finalized 10/04
D day 5/02
OC born 5/03,

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Missouri
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, August 15th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GED, I am glad to hear from you again. I think I remember you, correct me if I am wrong, but didn't you help OW with funeral arrangements for her baby? I may be getting you confused.

You have every right to feel the way that you do, and if you ask AuntCis whose h's OC was adopted by OW's H last year she will tell you that her marriage is in a great place now that they are not dealing with the OW. While other people don't understand why we may feel this way, I think that if the adoption will give the OC a intact family without all the drama of the situation as it has been, then it is for the best.

I hope the adoption goes a smoothly as AuntCis's did last year and you can continue on the road of recovery.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 8:55 PM, August 15th (Sunday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GED,

I can honestly say that if OW's then boyfriend (now BH#2) had adopted OC and fWH had been okay with it, I do think things would have been better for our M & COM. I wouldn't have wanted fWH to do it for my benefit, as I was a fatherless child, but knowing someone else would raise OC like his own would've made R easier (other M issues wouldn't have resolved themselves though). Wish you well.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, it finally blew up. He was picking at me over some stuff & I blew my top.

I told him OW was fishing, that she wasn't sleeping in marital bed again (just like when A#3 started), and that I don't appreciate him bringing up past and I don't consider anything I've done on the same level as what he has done.

Basically, he feels justified in all 3 As, that he deserved them because of my behavior, that he doesn't trust me on FB. So I said "well, since you have no sex drive whatsoever and your testosterone is low, does that justify me to go out and sleep w/someone else, because that's how you say it works, right?" He said "go ahead." Of course, I was boo-hooing & he was raising his voice about how "badly" I treated him for having no sex drive, refusing sex, and acting uninterested & that she didn't act that way.

Later, I was still crying, he claims the picking at me was teasing & joking, not actual anger over something. But, honestly, he was steaming when he dropped kids @my office Wed because I have male FB friends that I post things on their walls (I am not private chatting or anything like that or anything inappropriate).

Then he starts hugging me & such later, saying he "almost lost me once." What? Only once? Not like he almost lost me after A#1 (when unbeknownst to me, he was trying to impregnate OW), not like he almost lost me while I was pregnant w/fWH when OW & he became "friends" again and we kept arguing because she kept calling house after I blocked her & changed our #s, not like he almost lost me when he told me she was pregnant w/OC, not like he almost lost me when I went to see a lawyer while OW was pregnant, not like he almost lost me when OC was born or the DNA came back positive. He's delusional....in all those years, he never really thought he'd lose me until after I started talking D when I suspected & then she confirmed A#3. WHO tries to knock up OW during 2 As and doesn't even think their BW will D them for it when it happens????? He also said "I was never going to leave you for OW." Well, that makes it all right then, doesn't it? You were plotting to have a 2nd family for at least 2-3 years off & on during As & just expect me to be okay with it. I told him that OC is in my face every day, showing me how much he can be trusted....how am I supposed to quit bringing it up when she's there rubbing my nose in it ever day. I told him that I never loved anyone else and it's very had to realize that he loved someone else while M to me. That he chose to give her OC9 after I had DS10. He says "you can drop by house daily to make sure I'm here, DS13 would say something if I was on phone w/OW." Like DS13 would know if he's having conversations with or texting me instead of OW. And, he would feel too conflicted to say anything....like he never told me that Daddy had a gf when he was 3 (probably kissing & hugging her at the Christmas get-together that fWH took DS to at OW's apartment). What mBH takes their toddler to meet OW and spend time as a couple w/OW's friends? Almost like he wasn't even M and had a BW @home waiting for him.

He was all affectionate last night around 3AM also. Sometimes, I wonder if fWH is bipolar or multiple personality disorder. Can't he step back and see what he did was wrong? He still feels no real remorse over OC. Only over "almost losing me" after A#3, not that he was wrong for doing it. Sometimes he acts like he believes it was wrong instead of D me, but then other times he seems smug & almost like he was yet again justified.

I was really stupid for not D him during my pregnancy, when he refused to quit talking to his "friend" OW. He could not give her up to save our M & he didn't even seem concerned that I could get upset & lose baby over it. He was so angry w/me for calling OW during her pregnancy, saying I might make her miscarry. I should've shown up @her work instead.

I don't know what to do. I am so conflicted. I just needed to post it here, to talk it out w/people who see this same sort of stupid behavior from their WHs/wBFs.

He said last night "I cannot imagine being without you."

I really should make him go to MC. I just cannot see us wasting the $$$. But, the same stupid stuff keeps coming back up again. Wish I could read his mind. I'm afraid if we go, I'll find out there were more OW. He said OW's mother hinted at another OC to me....I don't remember that, only her saying he was on a date when he first slept w/OW at OW/BH#1's house. He either has another OC out there somewhere about DS10's age, or is dreaming something I did not say. I'm pretty sure there is another 20-something child out there, but she/he is no concern of mine, since she was b4 I was w/him or even met him.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 16th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((repeat))

I don't think MC is going to make much of a difference if your FWH doesn't feel remorse or feels like he did anything wrong.

I still can't believe he got upset over you using a SHARED Facebook account... could it be possible he is projecting his guilt for something on to you?


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2060 | Registered: Feb 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Wink  Posted: 7:25 AM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't it just start your day off right when OW pulls into the school right behind you and you have to see her in your rearview for 5 minutes until you can get up to the drop-off line for car-riders?

Lucky me...now I get to see OW 2x today.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
green_eyed_devil
♀ Member
Member # 18139
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's OVER. The judge signed the paperwork. I want to celebrate, but I know DH is going to be down about it all. He's always had mixed feelings about giving her up. I wasn't aware that his name would be taken off her birth certificate and this new guys name put on...now that does seem kind of wrong.

I am the one who helped OW make funeral arrangements for her baby. And she later came back and tried to tell me that that baby's father was also my DH's. UGH. I'm happy not to have to deal with her drama anymore. She has since had a miscarriage and now has a 2 month old baby with her new husband. Three pregnancies in under 2.5 years,

10-14 more days and the lawyer will have all the loose ends tied up and paperwork complete. Child support payments will be stopped. There will have to be paperwork done there since it comes right out of DH's pay (he works for the state, so it was easier than dealing with sending the state a check, then them sending it to her).


Me FBS 30 Him FWS 31
Together since 3/96, married 03/07
our children D13, S10, S8
EA began 3/02 which lead to their marriage in 7/02, left her 9/03 divorce finalized 10/04
D day 5/02
OC born 5/03,

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Missouri
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great GED. No problem have a silent celebration for yourself. In time your H will feel less conflicted by it. I do my best to try to remember everyone I have talked to over the past 3 years.

Repeatbs, you are indeed a strong woman. I don't know how you deal with constantly having to see the OW, but it seems to me you do it with dignity and grace. As far as your H, yes I too think that there are red flags. I would keep watching him and he seems to be deflecting where the FB situation is concerned, not a good sign. I hope for your sake that he is not doing things to hurt you yet again. You have put up with so much. ((hugs))

As for my situation, my h moved into his apartment over the weekend, it is over 30 miles away. After looking into the school system, I am afraid that I am going to have to keep all 3 OC with me. They have grown so much emotionally since they have been here and I see moving down there having a negative effect on them. He came to the house after work yesterday and spent the night last night. He seems to think that he will keep that up, but I told him after a while I see that fading and I see us drifting apart. He says he is doing this for me, yes he did have to move out for the sake of the family, but I don't like the way he did it. I feel like no one understands my feelings about this. So I am not separated, but don't live with my h.

Hugs to everyone on here going thru our situations.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi everyone. does this ever get easier?

fwh is out mowing the lawn. he's been hanging around since DD busted her head on a kitchen chair sunday and we had to take her for stitches. she's fine, little trooper .

my mind keeps drifting over the questions he sent OW. he asked her several, including when OC might come back to the states, what role she wants him to play, and whether or not there were discussions or plans for her fiance to adopt OC when they marry. she hasn't answered, it's been several days. i don't think she'll marry that guy anyway, or it will be "just for a while" and she won't want her new sucker to bother. but some part of me hangs on these stupid unknowns. then my hopes get dashed again and i crumble. letting go is so hard.

in the meantime, we completed our separation questionnaire. now my lawyer draws up the agreement, and me and FWH sign in front of a notary. CS established. it should happen in the next week. OW's recent silence is helping me push this through since he has no idea what she's planning.

so i keep hanging out with him, kicking him out, hanging out...all the while moving the D machine forward. i can't seem to keep my boundaries intact with littlebean around. we don't sleep together literally or figuratively. also, we keep talking and redrawing the boundaries but i'm the only one who wants them. it was easier when he was being an ass. it's not healthy for him, either. i see him slacking on the things he's suppose to be doing for himself.

anyway, sorry for rambling. this was going to be a one liner about getting closer to having our papers done. this stuff is just never simple.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 17th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all....


Things are tough here too...will say more later...

Thinking of each of you.


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i've been thinking of you finesse....we're here when you need us. you can always pm if you want.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 18th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finesse... been thinking about you. Please let us know how things are going when you are ready.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2060 | Registered: Feb 2010
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need advice from you ladies that are veterans with the OC issue:

I have known about the OC for 6yrs. The OW wouldn't agree to paternity test back then because she didn't want him to have rights to the OC...

We can not afford an attorney to fight with her. I believe 100% the child is his, she is pratically identical to my WH and youngest son...WH is sure that the OC is his...

We haven't heard from the OW since I last spoke to her 6 yrs ago....I have seriously thought about reaching out to her and trying to negotiate something so that the OC can know her father and siblings...

Am I out of my mind?


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

renee - how does your husband feel about that?


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2060 | Registered: Feb 2010
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