Hope everyone is getting through it today.
We have C with OC. OW and BIL live about 100 yrds from us and we currently have OC Mon,Tue, Thurs evenings and some Sat days as her other C are in football. I like OC, enjoy spending time with him, had to work hard to separate A from OC.
OW is not a good mother IMHO, OC is not seriously neglected, but OW seems to not care about OC, he is not clean, she pawns him off on FWH, IL's even her older C13. I try to just avoid the drama, keep to myself and try not to let OW get to me. I really don't think that FWH would ever go there again, but if he does, I will be okay alone. I don't think I could R again, just my frame of mind now.
My advice to everyone is to do what the OC manual says, get everything legal, DNA, CS. Have H document all visits, keep track of what if anything, H buys for OC. FWH started that, but I don't know if he continues and it's not my job to remind him.
BIL's birthday party is tonight at MIL's house (neutral location). We're going, but I plan to not stay long. I am not interested in hanging out with them. It was funny, OW said something to FWH about C9's party (it was Sun) something like "altered won't come to anything for my family". FWH said that if COM was asleep or not in the mood, one or both of us would not be going. COM was okay and we went, but followed COM off playing. OW tries to make everything about her, "poor victim me".
I really don't give a sh#t what she thinks anymore, BIL either. Selfish immature people act selfish and immature, big surprise.
Praying for everyone here, whether OC is pending, C, NC, or awaiting DNA it's all difficult and we're here for you.
The other As my fWH had in the past were so much "easier" to forget because there was nothing "attached". So the only D-Day that matters to me is the one coming up, which I'm hoping this new baby occupies my mind enough so I don't think about it (I doubt that).
WH (I guess I should say fWH because he has "learned his lesson" at such a high price) had to meet with the lawyer yesterday to sign more paperwork in regards to the retainer, etc. The sheer cost of this made me cry several times in the last 24 hours. $2000 retainer to start; if this kid is his the initial $1000s of dollars to get things squared away. What a costly mistake! I wish I could see this in some other light other than money money money, but I can't.
I know CS gets reduced here because of the health insurance; if we were to use my policy/plan is that still the case? We had a high deductible ($5K, but his job covered the first $3K) with his old job and that's why we switched to my job--$400 a month and is AMAZING coverage (includes vision). I pay an additional $100 a month for Dental. I'm mad that fWH didn't ask about something so important at the last meeting, and I don't want him to call and get charged extra $ or something until we meet with the lawyer again.
I know OW has to be FUMING that we still haven't received the order for the test yet (the court system here seems to be SLLLLLLLLLOW). It sickens us that she's so much about the money. It was all she talked about when fWH had to see her at the courthouse. If raising a kid was so "hard" financially, she should've thought about that before. And no worries fWH isn't off the hook...I totally feel HE has ruined us financially for the next 23 years (if this kid decides to go to college).
I showed fWH the info list that was on the last page, and he also agreed he didn't know about the daycare thing, and that's a good thing to know. The lawyer sent away for her financials--we have a very scary feeling it's going to be a big FAT ZERO. Which means fWH has to pay out MORE, right?!? So she gets to sit on her ass while we both go to work?!? I know maybe not the best idea, but the next time he has to go to court I offered to go with him. I have no idea what she looks like and there is a part of me that NEEDS to know. Of course there is a part of me that doesn't WANT to know. I've just been feeling like I want to be VINDICTIVE lately--need her to know from ME that I know about her nasty ass. But I don't want to do ANYTHING to jeporadize our case, or my job, etc. And the temporary satisfaction won't erase the hurt/pain.
Thanks again ladies, I hope everything starts to turn around and look better for ALL of us here soon!
IslandWahine in my state they consider that underemployed, and they would enter her as making minimum wage.
Our OW tried that, and that is what happened to her. Then she got a job making $16 an hour, but only works 24-30 hours a week. She admitted to CS that this was her choice, and not due to lack of work, and they entered her at making $16 an hour 40hrs a week, since they consider her "under employed".
Hope that helps you.
I have enough turmoil w/out my mom starting something up. Ugh! I love her very much, but she doesn't see how unfair it is to purposely exclude OC. She used to include her until OC & DS10 started argueing so much. There's no way I can tell fWH that my mom basically doesn't want OC around her.
I blew up @mom and told her that we're not like some other parents, we actually prefer our kids home every weekend. That I really like them to spend time w/her, but not whole weekends and overnight stays must include OC unless OW is keeping her for another reason.
Ugh! I feel badly now about having to blow up @mom, but she sometimes won't take NO for an answer and tries to make me feel guilty or give detailed explanation of why I said NO. Can't someone just say NO and leave it @that?
It is unfortunate that you all have to deal with this but she didn't choose to live with your husband's infidelity, you did. She is DS10/DS14's grandmother and its her choice if she includes OC or not. She looks at that child and she hurts for her own child because that kid reminds her of the hurt that this man inflicted on her baby. It is a hard pill to swallow when you are not in love with the culprit. Trust me, my parents or my brother, were never in love with my xH & stbxH so when they got mad, they stayed mad. I was the forgiving one because I was in love with them. Truthfully all your mom sees is a man that has lied to her daughter, cheated on her daughter, and controls her daughter. She doesn't see a whole lot of love in him like you do. She probably thinks he is using you because who is the bread winner now? fWH's life would be total crap if you hadn't stayed in there and fought for your M. She sees that even when WE don't, and the only reason she even tolerates him is because she LOVES you and those grandchildren but OC....well like I said, a constant reminder of why she can't stand fWH and OC is behaving bad on top of that. Come on now, you can't expect her to conform just because you did. OC will just have to stay at the house and the boys go off with their grandmother. OC gets to go do stuff with her grandmother and the boys don't go, look at it like that. fWH should have thought about that before he laid down and did what he did. There are consequences to all actions. My mom didn't take my stepsons everytime she wanted the girls and it wasn't fair to make her. It also wasn't fair to keep my girls from their grandparents because I made the decision to marry a man with kids. Even when she did get the boys, they absolutely loved it. She had time to play with them and not be uptight about homework or bills or all that other stuff that goes with being a parent. She let them do what they wanted, within reason, let them eat what they wanted, within reason, and then sent them back to parent structure. That is the beauty of grandparenting.
OC really doesn't get to go w/her grandmother alone, due to her drug abuse & the custody agreement that OW agreed to requires OW, OW's sister, or OW's BH#2 to be present during any contact btwn OC & OW's mother.
I still don't think I could ever tell fWH that OC isn't welcome @my mother's because that would mean the end of his relationship w/my mom completely if she shunned OC. OC's feelings are more important to fWH than his MIL's.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:10 PM, September 16th (Thursday)]
I just that OW actually owed fWH, but he wrote it out of agreement. He ought to sue her for back CS! But, it'd bite us in the end probably if we did something so spiteful.
Okay, here's how the health insurance worked. Technically, there's a tiny footnote on our state's CS calculation that says something like anything a stepparent provides for OC isn't considered in the calculation, but fWH's lawyer included 1/5th of our family policy as OC's cost in the calculations. Up until a few years prior, fWH had been covering the whole family on his policy, so I feel justified in allowing it to be used in the calculations because it might've taken $$$ away from our household. Vision this year is included in health policy, so no extra cost there. In previous years, we had to pay per-person for dental/vision dependants added to each policy.
You might read the fine-print in any health insurance instructions that mention anything about stepparents being able to cover a stepchild as dependant. Some may expect a court order before they will cover OC @all, some mention stepchildren as covered dependants.
The courts could have made fWH cover OC on an individual policy through our state's version of something like medicare for kids when our family switched to mine. Technically the custody agreement says:
Reasonable health insurance on the child or children will be maintained by the father. Proof of continuing coverage shall be furnished to the other parent annually or as coverage changes. The parent maintaining coverage shall authorize the other parent to consult with the insurance carrier regarding the coverage in effect. Uncovered reasonable and necessary medical expenses, which may include but is not limited to, deductibles or co-payments, eyeglasses, contact lens, routine annual physicals, and counseling will be paid pro rata in accordance with their incomes. After insurance has paid its portion, the parent receiving the bill will send it to the other parent within ten days. The other parent will pay his or her share within 30 days of receipt of the bill. If available through work, the father shall maintain dental, orthodontic, and optical insurance on the minor child or children.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:31 PM, September 16th (Thursday)]
My mom expected my half-brother & I to be treated equally by my brother's dad, yet she chooses to treat COM's sister (OC) differently.
I don't know if there is a right & wrong in this....but, it's a very peculiar situation that OC puts us in, isn't it?
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:45 PM, September 16th (Thursday)]
Is OC technically your stepchild @all, since fWH & OW were never married? We say it, but that doesn't make it true.
1) Life insurance policy in OC's name, provided by each parent. So if one parent becomes sole custodian of child upon OW or fWH's death, child will have $$$.
LIFE INSURANCE: If agreed upon by the parties, both parties shall insure his/her own life in the minimum amount of $50,000.00 by whole life or term insurance. Until the child support obligation has been completed, each policy shall name the following as sole irrevocable primary beneficiary: the other parent, as trustee for the benefit of the children, to serve without bond or accounting, other.
2) Parenting class to be paid for & attended by OW & fWH. If OW is in financial strain, fWH might owe entire cost. (fWH almost had to do this, but because they'd been managing OC for 8 years w/out a parenting plan, the lawyer left this blank and told him to keep fingers crossed that he wouldn't have to do this).
PARENTING EDUCATION: This requirement has been fulfilled by (both parents, mother, father, neither). Failure to attend the parent education class within 60 days of this order is punishable by contempt.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 1:17 PM, September 16th (Thursday)]
It just sucks because I have awesome medical and dental coverage, and now my fWH will have to get his own to cover this kid, and I will STILL be paying the same amount. Plus his job has crappy high deductible insurance (mine does not).
The one other thing I forgot to mention when he was at the courthouse with her last week was that she kept pestering him and his lawyer (and pissing his lawyer off) for his medical records. She wants his medical records! Heck I can't even get his medical records! She wants them to "screen for genetic defects" so we are wondering if something is wrong with the kid. She did call him previously and kept asking him if him or our son was a preemie--we know she had the kid as a preemie (I think a month or month and a half early). Then again my fWH said she smoked like a chimney and most likely smoked the entire pregnancy. The lawyer laughed and said that won't happen--and if she was that damn concerned before she should've asked before trying to get pregnant.
The sad thing about the OW is that she was unemployed before and now. fWH thinks she is working under the table for her sister (she has a photography business), and we worry that that won't get counted.
Your story is interesting
Repeat because my fWH's family wants him to get sole and complete custody, deem her unsuitable as a parent, and then allow his sister to adopt the kid, to be raised as their own. WTH?!? We both are like ummm no, plus we just don't have the money to fight like that in court. Plus we honestly don't know if the OW is a crappy mom. We barely know anything about her--we don't even know if she has other kids. fWH thinks she had kids that were taken away from her, and a friend researched her and it seems she lost a child before (with the same name as this one)--hence why she was looking for any sperm to get pg.
Ladies I think we are all very strong to be able to sit her and talk about this.
This is one of those gray areas. Because we choose to accept or make OC a part of our family does not mean we should expect the rest of the family too. And considering all of the issues that you have been going thru with OC lately, I think despite your H's medical condition, he needs to spend sometime with OC.
I can relate to what you were saying about your natural father's family, I have the same situation. Although my father has been to see me about 5 times in 40 years. I think that you overcompensate for the OC because of your feelings about your acceptance from your father's family. Nothing wrong with that, but you really put up with a lot of crap that you shouldn't have too.
And yes even though the OC live with me, I still have a hard time calling the OC my stepson. I call him my husband's son. Which puts a kot in my stomach when I have to say that.
I just wish that WS would think about how they affect everyone before that make this life altering issue.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:22 PM, September 16th (Thursday)]
OW contacted my fWH today for the first time since the court date, to ask if him and his lawyer submitted some paperwork for the paternity test (they did). He got angry and told her it was none of her business what he does with his lawyer, to get her own, and do not contact him again. I am actually hoping that we get this damn test done soon to have an answer and just be done with her; give her her damn coins and write her off. I know I should feel bad for the kid (I do), but kids cost money, and we are doing this the LEGAL court way, not HER way. We want EVERYTHING to be done thru the courts so that it's as fair as it can be.
It's just aggravating--I had just got home from my Dr appt to tell fWH the good news that the baby was doing well despite my stomach bug and he was in a bad mood because of her. Augh.
Of course, OC gets brought up. And he says that he will not miss one second of OC's life if he has anything to say about it because it is pretty likely that it is the only child he will ever have. (We had both wanted at least 3 kids.)
He has told me before that OW doesn't want anymore kids after this. Yeah... that's exactly what he said. Not that HE doesn't want to have anymore kids with OW, but that SHE doesn't want anymore.
And I guess he doesn't believe R will ever be an option for us if he doesn't see any children in OUR future.
No new revelation there... but it still hurts like hell.
I know that a lot of my feeling will probably change if I ever meet another man who I have a family with - but I feel like that is really really unlikely. I feel too broken to ever be wanted by anyone else.
What are the chances of it lasting? Practically zero.
And please don't feel like you are out of time to have kids. I had my first at 37 and 2nd at 39. Older than I would have liked, but it made me a hell of a good mom because I'd wanted them for so long.
I had my son at 28 going on 29. My BFF had her first daughter at 33. A teacher friend I work with had her first child at 45.
Keep your head up.
I'm having awful panic attacks for what is apparently no reason.
I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear.
They happen when you are not taking care of yourself.
Have you seem a doc?
I see my IC weekly. However, she usually sees me at my best... not sure why, maybe I just feel safe and comfortable there. But when I am in IC, I feel strong, confident, self-assured. Sure, there are tears, but she thinks I am handling things incredibly well.
The only thing I can think of that has really changed in the past couple of weeks is I haven't been going to the gym. I had been going 4-5 times a week and then I got an awful cold and haven't been back yet because I still am not feeling 100% better.