Island, I totally know how you feel. I want to be in there too, and even if I can't, I will still be in the court house so she will have to see me. I think she thinks that if she has him in there without me he will either A. suddenly see that he is in love with her and leave me right there for her (versus not leaving me for her for almost six months now) or B. she can manipulate him into doing what she wants him to do.
Either way, I think she has totally forgotten to look at the big picture where the OC is concerned, totally overlooked the fact that yes, she may be able to keep me out of the courtroom, but in all likelihood, the OC will be in my home at least once a week from now on lol.
She's very immature and dumb and thinks she can keep the OC to herself without any involvement from us.
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
((Finesse)) I was hoping things were getting better, I am so sorry. Please let us help you if you need us.
((Eyes)), I am going to say this again, stop talking to her. These calls and texts are more than likely going to escalate as the birth gets closer. Listen to whatever legal advice you have received on this. You have a plan, stick to it, don't talk to her. First of all, CS is owed to the child and you can not make any kind of arrangement to have it waived. He can't sign over his rights unless someone else is adopting the OC. Now as far as the courtroom goes, it depends which state you are in, if it is open court, she can't stop you from being there, but more than likely you will have to be a spectator. If is is a closed forum, you can still come to the courthouse, but might not be able to enter the courtroom at the time of the hearing. Either way, your presence is very important to establish that you and your H are a united front in this. And unless she can prove you are a criminal or psycho, she cannot bar you away from visitation. Once paternity is established, she is no longer the single legal parent, she is scared about that, but should have thought about it before possibly having a child with a MM. Quite frankly if she contacts you again, hang up or ignore.
((Island)), hugs to you, same applies in your situation, be a united front, do your best not to show OW emotion, if later you want to crumble and cry, do it, but don't let her crack the foundation that you are trying to repair.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 8:52 AM, September 29th (Wednesday)]
OW once mentioned that it bothered her that I was so "nice" to her on the phone. Well, maybe who she assumed me to be isn't so true. I try to "kill her w/kindness" most the time. I have given her sister some nasty looks though. The leaning into my car after D-day#3 was almost my breaking point though. I had all sorts of evil thoughts in my head...believe me. Then I would really be the psycho wife that she probably thinks I am.
I had my IC today--I have such a beautiful therapist. She's a licensed social worker vs. a psychologist--the last psychologist I had a few years ago made me feel like CRAP because of my anxiety disorder. This one is more "spiritual"--but not on a God level (I'm agnostic)--more on a connection with self, karma, more almost native american-like (although she's Italian)! But she knows how to set my head right. Make me see the good instead of the bad. I always feel...enlightened after I leave, and ready to tackle the world.
I had to go to the dentist today and get a broken tooth removed...talk about a torture session. It was worse than my emergency csection to be honest--that traumatic. And the dentist was MEAN because I was scared and crying. So an emotional day here.
(((EVERYONE))) who needs one right now!
Thanks for hearing me out...too much to deal with today.
Find out about the details if you can. In some instances the OC and your H are not even done at the same time or same day. Since we had custody, all 3 OC were done with my H but we never met up with OW, and a couple of other members on here have had the experience of tests being done without any contact with OW/OC. See what the process is for your state.
I am so sorry that you are going thru this.
I talked with him again about C vs. NC, and he is still very dead-set on NC. I told him it's HIS decision--that I support him either way the ONLY stipulations I have are that the OC not come here (for now, at least until we do more R and hopefully get into MC while I'm on maternity since our hours will work out better) and that he doesn't go over there and use a 3rd party, which he wants ZERO to do with OW so I have nothing to worry about (but I felt the need to lay out the law anyway). He just knows it's going to be totally drama filled and he hates OW with a total passion now that he feels it wouldn't be fair to the OC.
Again, thank you BMC I really appreciate you helping me feel better. I thought I was going crazy for a second there. I mean, I know the A took place, but how you described it is perfect...it's basically a 100% confirmation. And yes we will both be sitting on pins and needles. I really hope the turn around is 6-8 weeks; that gives us time to work on R and the marriage some more. It's still a huge rollercoaster because some days I love him and some days I am repulsed and disgusted by him--I know it will be like this for awhile.
Fwh is totally hoping that they aren't going to be there--he doesn't want to deal with her again, especially how she acted at court the last time (trying to get him to talk, see the baby, talk to his lawyer, go on and on about $$$, etc.).
I do have a question--if I were to come into some $$$, then that is safe, right (i'm hoping I do soon)? I'm going to get the paperwork squared away next week to get my fws off of my bank account (we have separate accounts but because his account is in another state and mine is local we have mine as joint--he doesn't use it though). I know in this state my income isn't considered...our lawyer reassured us of that.
Thanks again and I hope that everyone has a nice weekend.
When fWH paid for DNA, results took about 4 weeks (I think). If I recall correctly, OC was born on 13th, DNA following week, and we got results back week after Valentine's (because I was glad they didn't arrive before & ruin it).
Since fWH set it up, the hospital told him to come certain week & OW/OC must come same week. fWH needed driver's license, but cannot remember if they asked for Soc.Sec. too. They took a polaroid of him as proof also of who showed for testing. Filled out paperwork about him & who the OW/OC were (what we knew - as fWH didn't even know her maiden name, but I did), paid cash, got receipt, 2 cheek swab. It was done for us. OW didn't really wanna do it, but someone drove them over sometime that week. DNA results came in mail. I'd called to see when to expect them, but they said they could only give the estimate to fWH. He called back & they said they were already mailed. OW never called to gloat or anything, but since she was positive of who she'd been trying to get pregnant with & so was he, I'm surprised fWH even acted like there was any question of paternity. He either wasn't 100% positive she didn't have other men in her life, or he's a decent actor.
fWH has dyslexia, so I had to read the letter attached to results. Something like 99.98% probability of paternity. I almost collapsed after reading it...I had to run from him into the bathroom to cry.
Honestly, I knew OC was his because OC's newborn photo looked like DS10's twin, but having it in writing almost sent me over the edge again. I am so glad I started IC about a week b4 OC was born....I just don't know what I'd have done if my IC wasn't supporting me & helping me through it. I saw her for about 3 months every Friday for 1 hour. I was basket case on initial appt & for about 1st month or so. It was good to talk to someone who was just for me....after ILs saw OC, they basically wouldn't let me rag about OC's birth & fWH had bonded w/OC even b4 DNA came back & she started overnights w/us. I really had nobody to turn to who wouldn't look down on me for not thinking an innocent child was a blessing. I'm sorry...for me, it was the end of my family as I knew it & OW being a 3rd wheel forever & so much of our time, $$$, & energy in raising fWH's child. She was w/us so much, the cost might've been similar to that of me having another COM. But, since OW didn't nurse & OC had to go onto soy formula (DS10 was nursed 6 months), it was very expensive to have DS14 in pullups, DS10 in diapers & formula, & OC9 in diapers & formula. I think the expense of OC on our household on top of CS really pissed me off the most, but I can say too that since fWH was on nights/graveyard, it made me angry that I had to care for OC & two sons all alone @night (nightly feedings, diapers, illnesses). I had another child basically thrust upon me (unless I wanted fWH to go to OW's to see OC - which I didn't)....caring for all 3 children & fWH sleeping all day & working many weekends straight through was so stressful on our homelife & M. And having 3 children sleeping in our room (COM in our full bed w/us & OC in a port-a-bed next to us)....was very bad for our lovelife as well. I only planned on 2 children & had my tubes tied....having a 3rd child around was hard. On Sundays though, I visited my mother (even if fWH worked Sunday night)....this gave fWH time alone w/OC and I took COM w/me. It was somewhat later that OC started coming w/me to my mom's for Sunday visits. When OC was tiny, I made fWH responsible for OC's baths & feedings if he was home (unless asleep or OC was too fussy for him to handle). I think making fWH do things for OC, instead of me, made me feel like I had some power over the situation. fWH had always taken care of the boys (only taking DS14 to daycare 1 year, prior to DS10's birth)....many times, fWH would pick OC up Thurs noonish or Friday noonish and have all 3 children for a while until I got home. I think he went crazy taking care of 3 kids & trying to get in catnaps before work Thur/Fri nights (usually worked Sun-Thur nights, sometimes Fri night until a few years later when it was 7-nights/week). I often wonder if he & OW had any other As while I was @home caring for 2 babies & toddler, thinking that fWH was @work. I hope not, but I'm sure time will reveal other things I maybe didn't know about.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:10 AM, October 4th (Monday)]
Island, the lady who is doing the Dna test for us is from our area, and she said this one has a 72 hour turn around time. I guess all of them differ on the time frame.
It's been 24 weeks today since the second Dday, I am still feeling confident that things will work out, but also wondering exactly what will happen once the OC is born (about six to eight weeks from now)
Just rambling on, hugs to everyone!
I suppose I have to call OW later and tell her how to calculate each & every cost of OC and have receipt backup. I have a massive pile of receipts for COM's expenses.
If she does online, she just has to be able to justify her numbers via hardcopy receipts, if they ask for them. Wonder how they'd justify using >$3000 of OC's $$$ for new hardwood floors & living room furniture and OW's vehicle payment. If you use any for vehicle payments, the automobile is supposed to be in OC's name. And, OC has no $$$ left @all out of the >$11,000 she received from SS (at least for COM, we have proof of medical ins. costs & Dr. visits & savings accounts & all our grocery expense - OW has nothing like that for OC since we cover all dental/vision/medical).
I'm just wondering what will transpire. If SS gives OC's $$$ back to fWH, I suspect OW will request a recalculation of CS through state. Her vehicle payments & other stuff she spends $$$ on aren't justified as OC's costs.
Oh, and OW hadn't paid for OC's lunch expenses so we got note Thurs. that OC was in negative for lunch fees. Can't she give them enough for whole month of lunches, when OC gets paid? And, OC had big report due Friday. OW didn't work w/OC last weekend while we were out-of-town on the report & we didn't know about it until Tuesday. OC said that they went to granny's Tues night, so she couldn't do her online research (got home @8:30 and OW said she must go to bed @9PM but could stay up until 10PM) and Wed night they had church & OC only had 30 min online time before 9PM go-2-room time. OC said that OW plays on Facebook & helps kindergarten sister w/homework and did not have time to help her. We had OC Thur night & had to do about 4 hours of regular homework + the project (which is ~50% of this 9wks grade) all Thurs night & I had to also do DS10's help w/homework. Let's just say, I told OC to go to bed @12:30AM & had put DS10 to bed around 11PM. OC said that OW is always on facebook and does not allow anyone else to use her laptop. OC could've done work @granny's on Tues night since they have 2 PCs, but OW didn't care to make her. fWH also told OC that if she has work due that she needs PC for & OW won't get off PC to let her do research, that she should call him & we'd pick her up and bring her home to use the kids' PC @our home.
fWH got so angry w/OC about saying how "I don't have enough time to do all my homework @your house and Momma lets me stay up until 10PM and take shower in mornings." He finally told OC that "if you don't have enough time here to do homework because I cannot help you & BW doesn't get home until 30min before park dropoff, maybe you just need to go home w/OW daily?" Of course, that's a dream come true for me...but, he dropped it. We'll see....OC is being a real handful. She was spanked 2x yesterday for not doing her chores. OC didn't even bring her cell from OW's because she wouldn't clean her room there & OW took it from her.
OW expects OC to do 3-4 hours of homework during her ~2 hours at fWH's house, so she can just goof off w/OC at her home. I'm sorry, but fWH is dyslexic and cannot help with much work except math....and you still cannot get 4 hours of work done in 2 hours plus eat dinner or snack.
If she even THINKS about gloating about a positive outcome I will personally punch her in the mouth, seriously. I will probably just see RED.
She's using formula too (I have nothing against it--just that I chose to nurse to save $$$ with my son--nursed for almost 3 years and am nursing this new one too), and is that plus diapers an extra thing to pay for? Or is it just because OC was in your home? I would think the CS would be MORE than enough to cover the child's expenses...if there's more or if she wants more then she needs to get out and work. I don't know--CS shouldn't cover her condo, all her bills, and then still need more for OC's needs when OC's needs should come first with the CS. Is it possible to request a breakdown of how the $ gets spent? It doesn't seem fair that CS should go to a nice new car (we drive used cars) or fancy flooring--something that is a WANT vs. a NEED. I am just really having a hard time dealing with the $ part of this. And I have single mom friends who get CS (and my BFF who doesn't) and they are so responsible with how they spend the $$$.
Repeat--it's why I am not really fighting the NC thing right now--I can't deal with raising my newborn and my toddler and raising some other woman's young child (even if it's my "step child"). My Fwh also works overnites, which means it would leave me to deal with everything (unless it was somehow on his nites off). It's 1 of the reasons why if we do decide to C it would be much later down the road. But since OW is a loony bird it's not looking good.
So we wait.
((Repeatbs)), the OW in your situation is just plain ridiculous. I wouldn't hold your breathe about them looking into how the money is spent. While I would hope they would, sometimes it gets lost in the shuffle. This woman get more than enough SSI to make sure the OC has money in the lunch account. I seriously don't know how you can break the cycle with this OW, because it seems to me that you are picking up the slack in case she doesn't do something. If she needs help making the report, ask someone from Social Security to assist, why is it your responsibility to help her? You have too much on you hands now to have to deal with her. Something has to change for you.
Island, you were talking about some money that you might be getting. I suggest you open a different bank account in your name only or look into putting it in your child's name with your name secondary so that it can not be touched. More than likely it can't be touched anyway, but I would want to make sure my H's name was not on it.
The thing about CS, you can't demand how it is spent. The biggest pitfall that I have seen people get into is providing more than the CS. The OW gets her CS, then she calls and says baby needs shoes, or pampers or something, the H gives in and gets them. That starts a cycle of the OW not using it for the OC, and then they expect it all the time. I have seen it here on these boards alot.
No matter if you have C or NC, be very clear about how this is will be handled. The court says this is your CS, this is what you expect to get from me, no more. That is why it is best to got thru a neutral 3rd party in this situation if at all possible.
Hugs to everyone who is awaiting the birth of OC or awaiting DNA results. While I found out about the OC when they were older, and it came with a different set of issues, I don't know how strong I would be awaiting information concerning a new baby. My hats off to you for dealing with this situation, and how great is it to have a place to come and discuss your feelings, because everyone will not understand this situation.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:33 AM, October 5th (Tuesday)]
Filed to have test taken in June, OW tried to fight taking the test, so that held it up until September.
Paternity test was taken in September, and we didn't get the results until right before Christmas.
It is different for every state.
Now that OC gets $$$ from SS benefits from fWH's disability, it seems like OW spends all of it & then OC comes up short on lunch $$$ or something. Supposedly, OW filed for disability & that's how she got OC's $$$, but we're not 100% sure what/if anything she receives from SS herself (and for OC's sister). If OW's new vehicle is being paid for out of OC's $$$, then it is supposed to be in OC's name. It is just very suspicious that OW's house got new hardwoods & living room furniture right after OC got a backpay on the SS benefits of ~$3,200. OW tells OC all the time that she does not have $$$ for anything OC wants or needs. That the only $$$ she has is just enough for gas for her car. Well, I suppose she should quit running roads & put the kids on the bus to save $$$, huh? And quit having manicures.
OW called fWH back before I got home & said she figured out the website. Early this year, when we had to account for OC's expenses & were asked to give any of OC's social security back to them so they could give it to her reassigned payee (OW), we had to itemize separately for medical expenses, educational costs, & food/clothing/shelter. We must've gotten the same form yesterday for COM as OW received for OC (we hadn't ever had to give account on their benefits before)...it only asks "How much of $X was spent on COM & how much is in savings and where?" If that's all OW is ever accountable for, then I suppose OW might be living it up on OC's $$$, but that's what she always did w/CS anyway. fWH wants to call social security and mention that he believes OC's money isn't being used toward OC's expenses, but I just don't want to rock-the-boat.
OC told fWH yesterday that
I like doing homework @your house better than at OW's house because REPEATBS326 helps me with my work and momma doesn't.
Really, if we went by CS papers, OW is supposed to provide all of OC's clothing (that's how fWH's lawyer got OW owing us CS written out of documents)...we could legally request OC bring a suitcase every weekend & use all of the clothes from OW's home for OC...and send them back dirty, right?
OW said if fWH requests PT conference, she wants to come...yuck! I am certainly not letting fWH & OW sit in a classroom knee-2-knee being all parenty together. Think she's trying to do the "good Mommy" routine again. Let's see how long it lasts this time?
Hope everyone is doing okay. I'm kinda surprised a State CS/custody thing would allow pre-birth DNA testing, since it is somewhat dangerous, right? I would think it more expensive also. If the state is paying, I bet they make people wait until birth for the cheek swabs. If the state had requested DNA testing/paternity suit on fWH, they'd have paid for the DNA testing...if OC hadn't been his, he'd have been out $0, but paid full cost of DNA otherwise (seems like to me OW & fWH should split the cost). Back then, it was just easier & quicker to get the ball rolling on the DNA testing first.
fWH couldn't say no to OW's mother wanting extra supplies for OC as newborn/toddler when OC/OW were living in the granny's home. Just the thought of OC doing w/out because of OW's poor $$$ choices wasn't acceptable to him. He talked to OW and warned her that if she didn't spend the $$$ on OC's needs, that he would quit giving her $$$ and just buy diapers/wipes/formula/clothing, etc. for OC instead at the same approximate cost. fWH didn't realize how much $$$ that OW actually made (more than both our combined incomes some years). He asked her about going on WIC for formula & such but she said she made too much $$$ (well, he thought it was maybe barely above the limit....nope, it was WAY above the limits). I just cannot fathom blowing all my kids' $$$ & not buying their needs first.
Honestly, the next time OW refuses to help OC w/a big project we have to do in 1 night, I am going to just drive OC to OW's house & tell her that I cannot help OC w/homework because DS10 needs help also and maybe we can trade a night instead. OW is just lucky that OC is very good w/schoolwork and does it basically alone. BH#2 used to help OC w/work, but he is on 2nd shift or something & doesn't get home until 9:30PM. Poor OW has to care for 2 children by herself (or OC is caring for toddler sis again..who knows). I have no pity for that woman. She has made her life what it is today & I honestly hope her choices come back 3-fold bad on her. I am not Christian to her much at all...I just cannot bring myself to be nice & forgive my worst enemy.
Why is it, that OW calls when she knows I'm @work to ask for help on something that she knows fWH cannot read (being dyslexic) and calls a 2nd time before I got home (instead of just texting me)? Fishing again?
However, now we are waiting the the OC is born to do anything. The OW has moved her mailing address to the state we are in (she was living in the next state over, we live pretty close to the border of the two states) so now we might have to get a lawyer in our state, instead of the one we really liked in her state. anyone as confused as I am?
So in her state, the judges favor neither mother or father, but goes by what is best interest for the OC, in our state, the judges seem to favor the mother, so we are hoping she lives in her state and is just hiding from bill collectors, etc by changing her mailing address to a relative's house.
We may have to hire a PI to find out exactly where she is living so that she can be served with the court order after OC is born.
I had a copy of the text messages that OW has sent to me for the attorney to read, she pretty much said that she is unstable and if she isn't getting the proper prenatal care and if she is still abusing prescription drugs like we thought before, then we will more than likely end up with full custody.
She also said that we had the option to walk away and she would really advise it (while still paying child support) because the OW is already acting crazy and we are in for a long haul of craziness with her if we get full custody or even joint because she wants me no where in her life with this child. She also stated in that last phone call that she wants no child support but we all know how that goes.
OW's focus has shifted from hating him to hating me, to keep me out of the courtroom (which is fine if that happens) to not being a part of the OC's life at all.
We left out of the attorney's office feeling okay because whatever happens we are trying to do the right thing for the OC and we will get standard visitation (if not more) plus it was another opportunity for us to be working as a team which seems to be helping our relationship even more.
I am still antsy about when it is born, not because of the contact with OW, but just because it is the unknown, I guess. I read everyone's stories and think, "do i really want to go through with this?" but i made the choice to work it out with my H and as long as he's doing his part to keep on in R, I'm going to try to work it out too.
Hugs to everyone!
Fwh had to go to the lawyers' today to do paperwork and he's in a bad mood--gotta try to fish it out of him what is wrong. He's nervous to upset me because of how far along I am--at the same time I KNOW when something is wrong. The $$$ is actually back pay I'm trying to get (due to a missed clause in my contract) and I'm fighting for...I would just hate to do all that fighting to have to turn over some of it! I am actually going to stop by the bank this weekend and get my fwh off of my account, and maybe put it in my son's account if it all goes over well. It wouldn't be for awhile though--I'm just at the beginning of fighting for this $.
I have a problem if the OC needs something and OW isn't spending the $ wisely and the OC goes without, but my fwh said if it's his he will have what is allotted taken out and not give a penny more irregardless. But that bothers ME.
I know this may sound kinda crappy--but my fwh wanted to sign over all his rights (but we know he still has to pay CS), and I don't want him to. I want OW to SWEAT that at any point WE will go after custody
Repeat--I agree. She better be working or at least working on working! My BFF works her ass to the bone to make sure her daughter has everything (since she gets no CS because the dad is locked up), and I admire that.
Eyes--I feel the same, except OC is here and we just don't know paternity yet. I committed myself to really giving this a try so I'm hoping I'm strong enough to deal with the results.
Want--I actually wish we had just forked out the $ (I actually offered to pay out of pocket back in June) and just had the test done sooner. But fwh wanted to go thru the court system--and we waited for her to file. At least I would know by now...
Thanks again BMC--I would be lost without you wonderful ladies!