Since we are mothers ourselves, are natural instinct is to care about a child and what that child has or is going without. I know I did it. I sent all types of clothes and toys home with the OC while we were doing the visitation. The OW could care less, she lost most of the outfits had tops no skirts, etc. Never any socks or underwear. So, I brought stuff for them and it stayed at my house. A decent mother doesn't want to see a child go without, but you also have to balance your sense of responsibility. The more you do the more the OW expects. She may even try to become your friend, next thing you know you are wrapped up in helping her and even taking her side against your own H. I have experienced it and I have seen alot of members go thru it. Protect your family in everyway, I am very serious about this. Your H and you being on the same page, working together, no secret communication with OW, that means you too, keep the OW outside your marital wall. Dealing with the OW can become a full time job if your don't have a plan.
Turns out my fwh had his IC appt today (I forgot that was today too before the trip to the lawyer), and that put him in the "foul" mood. Actually, while he didn't get into detail, he talked about how stressed he is with this impending test, and how he's afraid to lose us because he doesn't know how I'm going to react, and he just had a major headache from everything. Part of me feels bad (that's the part that loves him), the other part of me feels like smacking him and telling him it's all his damn fault and we wouldn't be in this mess if he kept it in his pants or wrapped it up (that's the part that hates him now). I hate the rollercoaster of emotions but my IC reminded me it's totally normal and ok to feel love/hate right now. Besides, making him feel worse accomplishes nothing in the long run--he knows he screwed up what is reminding him going to do?
I was actually hoping we would've gotten to see her financials, but nothing yet. The lawyer sent off for them but he hasn't received anything.
Thanks again ladies--eyes I'm sorry the OW contacts you--hopefully she will back down.
BMC--I am totally putting MY family first! I will NEVER be that woman's friend, even if there's no one else in the world. I do feel for the kid, and yea the momma in me still wants to do something for it--but yes I agree there needs to be strict boundaries and I'm going to side with my fwh about the NC. I totally can see how she could manipulate the situation and my kindness for children to get more $$$ and things out of me. Excellent advice!
And, there are little ha-has along the way. OW was hurt when OC called me "momma" before she did her. Well, maybe if she acted like a Mom & spent her midweek days off w/OC, then she would think she was a mom. If she'd get a day off on Wed, she'd take OC to daycare or her mom's house, so she could "rest." Knowing she wouldn't see OC all weekend, she still did it. BH#2 usually had OC all night alone until OW got home (she closed the restaurant so she probably wasn't home until well after midnight & BH#2 got OC ready for daycare & took her b4 work so OW could sleep). Even @points, OW maintained a 2nd job of cooking biscuits for local mini-marts and wouldn't even see OC on the nights she worked there. OW wasn't prepared for being a mom...I suppose she planned on fWH doing everything after he left me...guess she was sadly mistaken as to how her storybook romance & little family life would play out.
Next week, we are taking COM for autism testing. Pray and send good thoughts our way please. It's been a long process and I guess all I hope for is answers, and maybe a plan to deal with whatever comes of this.
I am praying and sending hugs and good thoughts to everyone dealing with DNA and custody issues. I still remember our finding out DNA results like it was yesterday.
But have faith that you will make it through.
Repeat, during our visits to the attorney, we were told that if the OC spends more than 120 nights with either parent, then that is the parent who should have custody. It sounds like you could have pushed for full custody. I'm learning so much from the attorney.
We see another attorney next week to discuss how things would be in our state in case she has moved into our state. Thank goodness it is an initial consultation so it won't cost anything that day.
I really admire everyone for the way you deal with OC and OW. I hope that five years down the road I can say that I was able to deal with it too. But like our attorney said, "sounds like you will be dealing with a whole lot of craziness with this one!"
Island, OW hasn't contacted us that much so far. The phone call two weeks or so ago, was the first in awhile. We don't contact her at all and all her numbers are blocked on H's phone. If she calls him at work, he just hangs up. I talked to her this last time so that she would get the message that he is NC with her, and she has to deal with me. It wasn't as bad talking to her as I thought it might be, because I was in control of the situation and I wanted to get a "feel" for her, I knew from what my H said, that she was a little umm, not that intelligent, and after talking to her, I believe he was correct. I also saw how whiny she was and how its all "poor me" with her. It just makes me stronger and makes me feel like future dealings with her will go my way.
Hugs to you ((((altered))) I pray that the outcome will be what you want it to be.
Hugs to everyone else too!
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
I have told my fwh that I have fantasized about driving by OW's place (it's about 45 min away from our house). The only reason why I havent' is because I'm pg and because I'm worried I may do something to jepordize my career. But I do want to see/hear for myself just how dumb this chick is. Amazingly he has been very up front with me despite his actions in the past (he was a serial cheater for awhile when he was battling depression, alcohol, etc.). He's real embarrassed with how he scraped the bottom of the barrel with this one. But I would love to get a "feel" for her, especially if there is a possiblity of her being in our lives for the next X years. But we do want her to know we are a united front, so the next court date (if the paternity is positive I think there is already a prelim hearing set up for December, obviously to be cancelled if the OC isn't his) I WILL be there, to let her know that no matter what she will have to deal with me.
Thanks again ladies, and hugs back to you all!
My OC is due on Wednesday. I have no idea if WS will attempt to contact me when she's born.
I am sorry for your children. It's really not fair to them.
Just giving out extra hugs...I remember I was a mess when I found out OC was born. I fear for the mess I will be when my fwh goes in on Wed for the DNA test (and then again when we get the results).
I will keep you ladies in my heart and thoughts.
Then, I find out the new church that OW's stepaunt switched to & now OW has switched to is only 2 streets over from our home & she goes there at least 2x weekly....and some of fWH's distant relatives & probably even the ancient retired pastor who married us in 1993 is a member there. AND, since that new church also has the church basketball league (upward) then OW will probably choose that church instead of in-town church to sign-up for OC's games. So, wonder how she'll feel when people recognize fWH and know her (and maybe even rumors of OC) and finally put 2&2 together? How will her new church members treat her once they realize OC isn't a COM from a divorce situation, but OC from an affair? Just wonderin'. We just found out that fWH's 1st cousin has a kid in OC's 4th grade class. Wonder if OW & fWH's cousin will hit-it-off and become best buddies once they do stuff @school for the same class (if OW even goes to field trips this year)? That's the problem w/OW joining church in our neighborhood & having kids in same school as us....fWH's relatives are all over the place here from both sides of his family. And, most of them like me and know we've been together for 21 years. MOST of them don't know about OC, but I suspect they soon will.
We R here for you when you find out OC is born. I think the anticipation of OC was worse than knowing OC was finally born. The "what ifs" about whether fWH would go to hospital to be in delivery suite, or there holding OW's hand were too much for me to handle.
OC calls me Momma @home. When she speaks of me to OW's family, I'm REPEATBS326 (not sure what it was before she realized OW & her family didn't appreciate me being called that). I know fWH told OW that BH#2 could not be called "Daddy" by OC, but I know OC sometimes slips and calls him that in my presence....I suspect she calls him Dad all the time when she's w/OW. I don't care one way or another. At some point, I suspect as a teen, she will probably start calling me by my name instead of Mom. She has introduced me in public to people as her stepmom and COM as her brothers. It is rather odd to come across people who know OW, and not fWH or me.
We are starting to get real nervous for Wednesday, plus it doesn't help that we are already nervous that my csection is scheduled for next Friday! Too much to deal with at once But we have agreed to not let her or this situation into our lives on what is going to be a joyous day for us. I won't let this ruin my moment, not even for a split second.
We're thinking about you!
i'm glad i stopped by today. it's been a while and i've lost track of so many things...like both of you having OC due dates right now.
i came by today because i'm feeling a mess again. i got really distracted for a while and even thoughts of SI gave me palpatations. i got caught up living, rather numbly, but living and not thinking about things that much.
now it's OCs birthday week. (FWH doesn't really know but thinks it was yesterday the 11th). plus OC may move back to the states in the next couple of months. OW and FWH do not communicate at all, so we are clueless and i'm totally wrapped up in thoughts of OC again, out of nowhere. like BMC said, the mother and daughter in me aches for her, and wonders what kind of man can pour out so much love toward our DD and not even THINK of OC. he seems ashamed to admit that, so i think it's true. it hits me in that place that is trying to decide my future, where i hang in limbo, still much closer to D than R but not yet ready to let go. we are still S.
i want to not give a crap. i feel weary and too tired to deal with work and baby and this...and moving next month...and the coming holidaze and antiversaries. (and anniversary). i guess this is just a low point like all the rest and i'll get through it just like the rest.
i feel guilty for stopping by and dumping. i feel guilty like i sort of abandoned the board and all the people who've helped me through the darkest, most obsessive time in my life. i feel guilty about a lot of things lately, but that's probably another thread, i think.
it humbled me when i logged in and realized where whalers and tlartclark are in this process....there are no enviable places on the timeline from my view. i wish everyone the best today and all this week. hugs all around....i'm glad to have somewhere to share these blues.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
((tlartclark)) I am so sorry that this is hitting you so hard. If there is one thing I have learned, you can't control anybody but yourself. Unless really necessary, you don't have to rush to explain to your COM about this OC., you need time to obsorb this yourself. All you can do, is the the best parent you can be. It doesn't take much for children to learn on their own which parent cares for them. Hugs.
((Whalers)), I saw the post about your new beginning and I think the weight loss program will help you to focus on something that you can control. I know it is hard with what you are going thru, but I think if you have something positive to focus on, it will help you with the OW/OC situation.
((stretch)) don't feel guilty about coming here and expressing what you are going thru, that is why we are here. No matter where we are in our healing process, we need people that can understand what we are going thru, and offer support. I am almost 4 years out and I still have issues to deal with concerning this, I think we all will in some way, that is why we are here to support each other. Hugs to you, I know life can be overwhelming especially when you feel you are in limbo.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 6:44 PM, October 12th (Tuesday)]
wonders what kind of man can pour out so much love toward our DD and not even THINK of OC.
I am at a point where I feel fully capable of loving OC, and I just don't understand how my husband doesn't feel he is at that point also. He is very full of resentment though, and I guess I understand.
So ladies, I really need feedback on this; I was arguing with a friend the other day who had made some mention of "sperm donors" and "Dead beat dads". I made the point that every pregnant woman has so many options should she decide she does not want to be a parent (if she is not ready, not financially stable, WHATEVER the reason). Within the first three months she can choose to have an abortion. should she not choose abortion, she has many months to decide to give the child up for adoption at birth, or even older. If she chooses to give the child up for adoption, she becomes a "birth mother", and I have seen so many Facebook groups, support forums, tee shirts, etc exclaiming "birth mothers are heroes" (which I completely understand, in my opinion it takes a pretty generous person to give up a child because you know it would have a better life with someone else.) Should she decide to be irresponsible and walk out on the child after it's birth, she can dump it off on family/parents (like i have seen many women do) or let the child go into the foster system.
However, should a MAN decide he doesn't want to be a parent (for any reason), he has one choice- not be involved. Then he is a "dead beat", "sperm donor", etc. Less than a man.
Does anyone else see the double standard here? Am I just being biased because of the NC OC situation?
What are your opinions?
W2H: I agree with you on the double standard. Men don't have the choices. Their only choice (which women have too) is whether or not to have sex. Everything after that point is up to the mom. I guess it is one thing if you are in a stable, committed relationship and you walk out and leave your kids behind. But in the situations like we are all in, it just seems different to me. A woman can get an abortion without the man's approval and she can give a child up for adoption without him as well.
I don't feel guilty or bad really that my H is NC with OC while he is a loving father to our COM. COM were created out of love and were wanted by both of us. They weren't created out of manipulation. I do think that if OW wasn't involved, we could have OC and both be loving parents to her. But with OW, I just don't think it can be done. The drama that she brings just isn't something that I want for my COM.