I struggle with this too.
I am at a point where I feel fully capable of loving OC, and I just don't understand how my husband doesn't feel he is at that point also. He is very full of resentment though, and I guess I understand.
So ladies, I really need feedback on this; I was arguing with a friend the other day who had made some mention of "sperm donors" and "Dead beat dads". I made the point that every pregnant woman has so many options should she decide she does not want to be a parent (if she is not ready, not financially stable, WHATEVER the reason). Within the first three months she can choose to have an abortion. should she not choose abortion, she has many months to decide to give the child up for adoption at birth, or even older. If she chooses to give the child up for adoption, she becomes a "birth mother", and I have seen so many Facebook groups, support forums, tee shirts, etc exclaiming "birth mothers are heroes" (which I completely understand, in my opinion it takes a pretty generous person to give up a child because you know it would have a better life with someone else.) Should she decide to be irresponsible and walk out on the child after it's birth, she can dump it off on family/parents (like i have seen many women do) or let the child go into the foster system.
However, should a MAN decide he doesn't want to be a parent (for any reason), he has one choice- not be involved. Then he is a "dead beat", "sperm donor", etc. Less than a man.
Does anyone else see the double standard here? Am I just being biased because of the NC OC situation?
What are your opinions?
I hope I copy and pasted correctly! I too struggle with this, and completely agree with you. The momma in me hurts for the child. But she purposely got pg. Just as he knew the consequences of unprotected sex, so did she. She wanted to trap my husband, she has not outright said it but all the timing and everything makes perfect sense. Everything was manipulated. My fwh is an AMAZING father. He is head over heels in love with our son, he's already doting on the new baby (we don't know boy or girl yet!)...yet he wants ZERO to do with the OC. In my opinion a dead beat dad is one who doesn't even pay CS and avoids at all costs. While he is opting for NC, he knows he is responsible financially. And yes, it "bothers" me that some would actually feel "sorry" for the OW when she played a part in this too (not being on BC, having unprotected sex to get pg from a married man, etc.).
Thanks for the well-wishes. Been very stressed out lately over many things--work, home, tomorrow, next week...fwh has been very crabby and edgy because he's worried he's going to say something tomorrow if OW and OC are there. We are both hoping and praying she's not. I reminded him that I don't need him getting in trouble, so he better just keep his mouth shut, not say anything etc. I DID feel the need to re-ask him if he had ANY feelings for her because she clearly had for him, and still wants him, and I KNOW would gloat if this is his...and he said absolutely 100% NO. And I believe him. But it's like I need constant reassurances. anyone else like that? It's like I need to hear it constantly.
Thanks everyone! At first I considered going with him tomorrow but I will probably go into labor with all the stress esp if she's there, plus I don't want to waste a personal day off from work.
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 9:06 PM, October 12th (Tuesday)]
I was conceived by accident. The father chose to go NC. He never paid a dime of CS and never saw me. His mother sent me some clothes, but their family chose to go NC with me all my life, even knowing my relatives were about 5 doors down from my great-aunt and they could have determined my whereabouts @any point. I'm not mad at him (he's deceased now), but I know I always thought he'd come find me some day. When my mom abandoned us w/grandma for about 2-3 years, I had in the back of my mind that he'd come get me...that he somehow knew. I guess that is why I was okay w/fWH bringing OC into our home. I wanted her to know the love of a GOOD father (not just some crummy alcoholics or druggie or wife-beaters like I had as stepfathers). OC is pretty lucky in that BH#2 isn't a bad stepfather....she might've been okay if fWH had asked if BH#2 wanted to adopt OC (once they were married).
On the other hand, I know the pain of seeing OC daily. Of having to deal w/OW problems & recurring As w/OW after OC's birth many-many years down the road. Of having COM have to deal with OC's behavior, of having to share things they shouldn't have, of being overcrowded with 5 people in a 24x40 (3 bedroom/2 bath) double-wide mobile home and not being able to EVER afford any better. Of having to share their mom & dad w/OC and me feeling guilty when I had to neglect COM's cries, to provide for OC's needs. Of having to rearrange our lives when OW chooses to do something off-the-wall.
I don't know, even though OW has always been w/OC kinda-sorta, I think she's more of a deadbeat mom (due to her behavior & pawning off COM & OC anytime someone would take them) than fWH would've been, even if he went NC.
In OC/OW situation, I think the rules are a little different, than a man just abandoning a child because he didn't want the responsibility. To save a M & a family, sometimes hard decisions must be made about NC. fWH has an adult child out there somewhere & I honestly don't think he regrets being NC w/it (as the young woman/teen married someone else b4 the child's birth & that man raised it). I would have thought it'd have bothered him some, like women grieving for children they give up for adoption. Now, over the past few years, he speaks about the child (boy or girl?)....but, even though he could find out more about it, he has chosen not to (even though I check myspace, facebook, everywhere for the mother's info to contact her myself & get details - the child probably doesn't even know & they might want to leave it as-such).
But, I do not have bad judgement for a woman who puts their child up for adoption, knowing they cannot provide for it. I do have some hard feelings for mothers/fathers who leave the kids w/relatives and go NC. I feel that if the child's needs come first, it's acceptable to leave them w/relatives...but, remaining in contact to let them know how much they are loved by the parent. My mom was NC for 2.5 years...no calls on b-days, no cards, nothing @Christmas. I mean, look @our military...some single parents must do this for years w/only leave to see kids.
I do feel that fWH should pay child support, no matter whether NC or contact. If they have joint custody, I think the $$$ should be based on OW & fWH's incomes...just like a D situation though. Like, in our case, OW actually would've owed him.
And, I know this may hurt some, but I don't see how fWH could've NOT had any feelings for OW, if they are repeat offenders (spending months/years at OW's home, w/relatives, or talking on phone for hours weekly)....even if OW planned pregnancy w/out fWH's knowledge. I think they are lying to themselves & us if they deny feelings. fWH never denied that he loved OW...I think he lied in the fact that he loved me during the As. I don't think he could love me during A#1/A#2 and be trying to start a family w/OW. I just don't understand how fWH could be intimate w/me daily (think he was a SA) & be loving someone else though. I just don't get it. I think OC conceived during ONS or only a few brief encounters are far different than fWH/OW spending quality time together like a couple....lounging around in PJs/nude talking, laughing, and spending time w/OW's friends as a couple (and introducing COM to OW during As, taking COM to OW's home for Christmas party & tree decorating). I think in these situations, they tell us what they think we want to hear....to try & shield us from the truth of their feelings during LTAs.
Either OW has been reading SI and figured out who I am, or some prayers have been answered.
This week is fall break for DS10/OC9. We were supposed to get OC on Thurs (since it's our thurs) and keep her until afterschool Monday. Yesterday evening, OW calls (apparently she called while I wasn't home, but fWH was @appt so she called back later - pisses me off when she calls & knows I'm not home).
Anyway. OC apparently told OW that doing both houses every day afterschool is too hard to get her homework done. That she wants to do whole weeks @each house. OC has been coming home to us since about 2months old EVERY weekend 3-4 days. OW has rarely spent any weekends w/OC her whole almost 10 years alive.
So, not sure if another kid has this situation @home or she saw it on TV, or OW is lying and really came up w/the idea.
OC requested she alternate weeks w/each family. OC will not be w/us @all this week (even though she's off all week). Afterschool starting this Monday, OC will spend the entire week w/us, then afterschool the following Monday - she will spend an entire week w/OW. She won't be coming afterschool to our home until 6PM on OW's weeks at all. Except for calls to/from fWH...she'll be basically NC w/our family every other week.
OW said she'd pay for OC's lunches @school out of OC's $$$ (how kind, she'll spend $60/month out of OC's $800 on OC's school lunches & probably eat nightly @OW's mother's home like before or OC will spend entire nights w/auntie). She also offered to send some school clothes for OC...how nice, per the CS/custody agreement - she's supposed to buy ALL of OC's clothes! Well, anyway. It's a good thing, I think. OC said it's too stressful on her, switching back & forth daily.
OW said she'd miss OC on her weeks w/us, but she could call fWH on her weeks w/OW. She told him she misses OC, after about 2 days w/out her...and that she apologized for calling/texting OC so much. Yea, right!!! She won't reply to OC's texts & no longer answers OC's phone calls/or calls back after voicemail from OC. She really misses OC.
So, I won't have to see OW except @school functions & the 8 games from Jan-March when OC plays basketball. And maybe all the fighting 1/2 the month btwn OC9 & DS10 will be gone.
fWH suspects OC requested this, as OW lets OC spend 1-2 nights w/friends on weeks off & takes her to auntie's house for overnights multiple times/week. fWH thinks OC wants to run roads & have no supervision more...and no bedtimes & basically no adult supervision. In terms of OC's safety, this is bad...but, I cannot help but think it's a good thing for our family. I do believe fWH will miss OC terribly though, even though she's been a big butthead lately.
We found out the other night that even though OC doesn't bathe daily @OW's home...she told OC not to wash her hair each time she bathes...due to dry scalp/dandruff. Yuck! So OC (who has pee accidents), only bathed about 2 of 3or4 days w/OW, and only basically washed her hair 1x weekly when she was w/OW. No wonder her hair looks so greasy/dingy. I told her the other night to be sure & wash hair and she said "mom told me not to wash my hair every night." Okay, when your hair looks ratty/greasy and has snowballs of flakes, it's time to wash it. We told her that it didn't matter what OW said about @their home concerning her hair...that she'd wash it @our home each shower.
I got a little angry @fWH though....he said "I think we'll spend 1/2 my check this month on getting OC some new clothes." Well, that's fine & dandy, but we already committed 1/2 of each COM's checks for Christmas and he's already said spend same amount out of this check on OC's Christmas. And, he has in his mind to spend other $$$ on his wants. Feeding OC on weekends & having good church & play clothes & a few school outfits is different from having a whole 1-week school wardrobe on top of play clothes & church clothes. I can sure tell you that OC will be removing that hideous goth dark nail polish that OW has been putting on her though, during our weeks. She's 9, if she wants to go goth, she can just wait until she's older. OW had started wearing the black-ish lipstick/polishes a few years ago after the last breakup (my theory was the whole mourning over the breakup thing)....OW started applying it to OC's nails too & even had been letting OC wear makeup to school (which is basically against school policy for elem school students - okay for middle/high schools).
Oh well. We'll see how this goes. OC might change her mind after a month or so of it. Just the other day, she told fWH that she liked doing homework w/me, because having someone to help her with social studies got it done much quicker and left her with more playtime.
I just keep thinking in back of my mind, that OW is trying to have an excuse to call our home more & speak to fWH daily.
I've had a few tears, but am trying not to dwell on it. It's done. It's over. He cares more about the OC than me, and there is NOTHING I can do about that. Just trying to move on with my life...
I'm so sorry. Everyone knows it's coming, but it still hurts like hell when you know.
If you don't want to tell COM, then don't. If he wants to continue contact w/COM, then it's his place to tell them that he has a new family & OC.
Do you have ILs (I cannot remember if you posted about them)...if so, how are they handling this? Have they disowned you & embraced OW?
Repeat--I understand what you are saying. It's why I have asked several times about her, does he REALLY hate her, etc. I don't know why but I'm "curious" about how she felt about me, what she said about me, our family, etc. I think it's because I feel like she "broke the code". You know, the "woman code". Chapter 1, page 1, paragraph 1, sentence 3 states a woman doesn't sleep with a married man. I just don't understand how another woman can ignore "the code"! He told me there was never a relationship other than initial talking and then physical those 3 times. And when he realized that last time how wrong he was being, he was disgusted with her and himself. Especially after she talked smack about me (and she doesn't even know me). I do feel he's being truthful; the last time he cheated the OW did not know about me and he WAS trying to pursue more with her, and it was a LTA.
My fwh went in for the paternity test today...he said it literally took 15 minutes! He purposely went early and they took him in early...OW and OC showed up on time and he said she seemed pissed that he was all done already, ignored her and left. Oh freaking well. We were told the turn around is 6-8 weeks. While I DO want to know sooner to put this behind me, at least it's not next week. And that's 6-8 weeks from when it gets to the lab. Merry freaking Christmas. Should have the results in time for the December court date. fwh told me today he doesn't want me to go to the courthouse with him because he wants this burden on himself (and was crying while he was saying this). He said it's just too humiliating, and he's worried that someone would see/recognize me because the courthouse is in the city I work in. Plus he said I most likely won't be able to go in anyway. I told him I don't care, that I'm going because I NEED her to see US. So we are going to reevaluate when we get closer, esp since the baby will be so young.
I hope everyone has a better week...I am trying to be positive also, since this hurdle has been crossed.
Much love for all you brave women.
What kills me is for all those years he went around being critical of men who cheated, he was all Mr. Family Vaules man, it was part of the reason I married him, and now to see the man he is hurts a lot. I am just a mess today, and all I want is the divorce to be over and final.
tlartclark--I'm so sorry, and I think you are being very brave by keeping your children safe, not talking bad about your stbx, not telling them about the OC. I'm so sorry though that he is being the way he is.
I truly think you are all classy ladies!
I remember the anger/frustration I used to have regarding OW around my kids. I always told xh it would never happen. And now it is happening. I just look at the fact that there is not a damn thing I could do to stop it. Yet, anyways. If there is any funny stuff after she gets here lawyer said we can go to court. I'm just concentrating on me now. Got a full time job, in school for bachelors, and I just bought a cute house at a great price!
Much strength to the ladies dealing with this crap. Work through the emotions and make sure you do something nice for YOU! (((hugs)))
Why are both OC & OW wearing out my cell today w/texts?
OC has texted something like 3 times today & OW has texted @least 5 times & expected replies. Maybe her fingers will get tired & she'll quit. My fear is she'll call fWH, as she knows he's home w/out me.
OC should just call her daddy, instead of me relaying it....I blocked all texting to fWH's phone except on the "good" list. Found out that he cannot even text out to any # except those on the list either (added bonus to blocking texting).
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 2:10 PM, October 14th (Thursday)]
It hurts a little more than I thought it would.
I'm sorry. Nope..I thought I was prepared too...nope.
My thoughts are with you both.
I'm here if you need an ear.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011
Okay, OC had to call OW after she got home, then she had to call her again after homework was done! Come on....I think it's that "good mommy" act that OW likes to portray showing itself again. It'll get old. OC usually cannot find OW by cell or house phone @all after school...lets see if it changes.
One good thing...one Monday of many when I don't have to look @OW's face! Small miracle/answer to prayer, I think.
I'm still worried w/OC & OW communicating so much more during fWH's week w/OC, that OW will start fishing much more again & bring out the "ILUs" to temp fWH back into another A.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 7:34 AM, October 19th (Tuesday)]
On a lighter note, I gave birth to our new daughter on 10/19! We are very excited, and double blessed because we did secretly hope she was a SHE!
I hope everyone has a better week. Keep your head up.
Congrats on the new addition to the family! Rest up & enjoy your new little daughter!