Thanks, and yea don't be surprised if you get a PM or 2 or 3 over the next few days, because I am totally going to need an outlet...especially after Monday. My mom is in town until Tuesday so I have NO idea how we are going to swing Monday--we may have to lie and say he is going to work or something. My mom is the type to start swinging if she knew, which is why I don't want her to know, especially while she is physically here.
I called my BFF and she was able to help set me "straight". She reminded me that nothing has changed other than now we have confirmation of what we have suspected since last year, and that I agreed to try and work it out. In my heart I love fwh and I DO want it to work, because I know for 100% fact that he is changed (he hit his rock bottom), but how does one get over this shit?!? I just don't see how I will...and maybe I"m not supposed to try and figure it all out now (like I want to).
thanks so much, you ladies have seriously been my rock and I'm so glad that you are all here.
As far as trying to work it out, give yourself sometime to process and your H sometime to process what has happened. Both of your emotions are raw right now and you both may say things you may regret. My suggestion, don't talk about this all the time. Set aside time to discuss the issue and then don't talk about it until the next time you set up time. One of the biggest mistakes we make is we focus on the OC situation so much, that we fail to work on saving our relationship which comes first over the OC situation. One you both have grieved for the marriage that you knew, it is time to work together to rebuild a new relationship based on truth, honesty, transparency among other things. It will not happen overnight. Everyday that you wake up, you have to think, we are going to deal with this. Just try to get through everyday.
If you have to break down, go somewhere and do it. That is what I had to do. My first suggestion, go get his name off your account, I would go today if possible. If court is on Monday, take care of this by Friday. I hope that you have consulted an attorney just to find out your rights, if not still get a free consult, it could not hurt to find out exactly what you are dealing with.
The biggest thing is staying committed to the NC if that is what you are choosing. While I think it is important for you to attend court with your H, I am concerned about your emotional state with just having your own baby and your mother being there who doesn't know about the situation.
If you can handle it, you should go, put up a brave front for those couple of hours and show OW that she has not broken your marriage. If you can't handle it, that is definately understandable, just make sure your H knows what NC means.
Please feel free to PM me as well. We are here you, we understand your pain and will do our best to get you through it. ((hugs))
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 5:20 AM, October 28th (Thursday)]
I did apologize to my fwh for breaking things (I broke a vase and put a dent in the wall, plus scared the hell out of my son), but I told him a part of me died and hates him for what he has done. And he takes full responsibility. He had an IC appt yesterday but it was prior to the mailman coming; he's going for another IC appt today since we know the results. I'm going to call my IC and hopefully talk to her later this evening when my fwh can distract my mom, or talk with her tomorrow when my father-in-law drives in (he knows everything but has been instructed to not say anything in front of my mom).
We did get to see her financial statement--she left the ENTIRE income section blank (although the form specificaly states to leave NOTHING blank)...and put $3000 a month in expenses!!! WTF!!! So looks like she's not working at all and looks like she has no plans to. The lawyer was like aw hell naw! Luckily we did find out they are only taking my fwh's base pay into consideration--not his stocks, bonds, bonuses, overtime, and shift differential (he works overnites). Which makes a considerable difference. Plus now we have to redo our statement to include our daughter. Not that I want to short change the OC--but at the same time if I have to work, so should she. We just want something fair.
Thank you all so very much...I know I have some difficult times ahead and really this place has just been absolutely wonderful, a wealth of knowledge, and a place where I can just let it all out...and I truly appreciate that.
1. The way I look at it, your family is not ruined. The family she thought she was going to have is ruined. Your family is still intact. She is the "single mom" who has to explain to everyone where the father of her child is- AT HOME WITH HIS FAMILY.
2. (And this may be disagreed with) YOU are not "short changing" OC. OW did that when she decided to conceive/birth/raise a child conceived with a Married Man. If OW is a good mother, OC will never go without anything, regardless of the child support amount. In my household, if $ is tight, the adults would eat ramen noodles & water so our daughter can still have her $6 a gallon organic milk! By making sure OW doesn't clean you out, you are protecting your family, your COM.
3. My mother doesn't know either. I grew up hearing from her and her husband about how "perfect" I think I am, and how I thought I had some "perfect life". She is also the biggest gossip I have ever known, so she would use it as "Oh, I guess Want2help's life isn't perfect after all". There will e some people you tell, and some you don't. I am just now comfortable telling people (my grandmother and a few friends) & OC is almost 3.
I hope this finds you well.
My mom is a fierly little Mexican woman who would literally beat my husband if she knew. She knows of a few past A's--she actually knows of this A she just doesn't know a child has come of it. Augh that sounds sick to say, sorry. And she actually said the A before this one that this would be what would eventually happen--she is the "I told you so" type which is NOT what I need to hear right now. She's also a "no tears" type of person--crying is for pathetic women, gotta be strong, stand on my own 2 feet blah blah blah--very strong fem lib kinda person. She's also an alcoholic so I also don't want her to feel the need to get drunk and then get hostile while she's here. Luckily we don't drink so there's no liquor in the house!
My fwh's immediate family knows, my brother knows (and would never say anything), and only 3 of my very closest friends know. And I plan on telling NO ONE else, at least for now. Some of it is pure shame, some of it is I don't want to be judged, some of it is HOW do you explain to someone the decision to stay and work it out?
My fwh has an awesome lawyer and he has been a wealth of knowledge protecting both of our rights, plus we have already paid this guy over $2500 so I didn't really see the need for my own counsel. Plus I honestly don't want to explain this to someone new...
I will probably log on from my cell phone to post because they are almost here (on the way home from the airport).
Thank you again everyone--I'm hoping I'm strong enough to deal with my mother here for the next few days!!! No tears!
I'm so sorry. It is really painful, even if you kinda have a gut feeling about the DNA results anyway. Kinda praying it isn't true, but knowing it is.
Wonder how many of the OW try to pin kids on fWH's that really aren't theirs & are disgraced themselves when the DNA comes out the opposite?
I'm so glad your little one was born before the DNA letter arrived. I'm glad you loved fWH that day, instead of hating him & throwing stuff in delivery. I thought a "told u so" call was probably in-order from OW, but she never did call & rub my nose in it.
In our state, in-home COM factor into CS for OC....does yours?
I had to hid A#1 from everyone except my BFF. It was hard to be happy & everything around ILs & my mom/brother/step-father, when my heart was breaking. I did not hide A#2/OC from any of the immediate family. And, they got an earful about A#1 too. They thought it was a fling w/OW, but realized when he got hurt that now-marrried OW loved him (when she called & declared her love & that "I should be one in hospital taking care of him." - she was newly preggers w/her BH#2's baby @time and we didn't even know). I didn't hide A#3 either from ILs/mom. ILs knew about another OW pre-M too, as fWH said he brought her home to meet them while I was @college (but now he's backed out of that claim & denies the introduction).
OC was about 3months old b4 I told my grandmother. I couldn't seem to do it over phone, so I sent out Easter pics of COM+OC and a note about who she was. My mom recently found the note in deceased grandmas belongings...she'd kept it. Brought tears to my eyes to read how I tryed to smooth-over the whole thing "this is COM's half sister who lives w/her mom in X-city and stays with us every weekend."
I think you probably should tell your mom @some point.
I'm not sure when fWH told ILs about OC. I'm not sure if he told them right away (maybe even b4 me knowing), or sometimes during OW's pregnancy - you see, I had a newborn, so I'm not sure how ILs took it. They did know some time b4 birth, but cannot remember when. They'd said "don't want to see it" but when they knew fWH was bringing her home to meet me & COM for first time (only few hours, not overnight), ILs asked to see OC so he drove up there first.
It is all so painful to even think about. I just don't know how someone could knowingly give OW a child....I just will never get it. I just wonder when they started trying again to impregnate her & when A#2 really started.
You can drive after C-section, if you feel up to it. I was weak, but I had to drive myself to get the staples out about 5 days after delivery. And, I had to drive to grocery store as I didn't think fWH could manage me & 2 kids @store. I did ask bagboy for help to car w/my bags though, as I certainly couldn't carry anything or lift to put things into the SUV we had @time. We did the milk storage thing w/both sons....it worked much better 2nd time (I had it down-pat w/schedule & dates on containers etc.)...felt much more independant. I'd be afraid if you were nursing & the court went too long, you'd leak all over yourself (especially if you got upset & milk dropped and you started gushing). Wouldn't that be a scene?
I may eventually tell my mom. I totally need to deal with this first before I even think about telling her! We decided that we aren't going to tell our kids until they are in their teens, and then leave it up to them to decide if they want to get to know him.
I had a minor complication with this csection so driving is a no no for at least another week or 2. And yea, leaking milk is my specialty so that would go over pretty funny! That's ok, I will have my chance in dec.
Turns out we found out not only did OW screw up her paperwork (and the lawyer feels real good its going to look real bad she didn't fill out the income part but she did fill out the $3K in expenses part), she was calling fwh's lawyer weekly harrassing them and complaining that the process was taking too long! I guess I should be "thankful" she was contacting them and not us....shows she at least paid attention to the NC. She apparently bitched out the secretary and the lawyer had to threaten her with a harrassment charge if she didn't cut it out! This chick just sounds more and more sad as time goes on I swear. Bitch this is a process!!! I DO find myself hoping the OC is at least being cared for...
Thanx again! My father in law arrives today...he is totally awesome and he is what my fwh needs right now.
Oh I forgot to mention another reason why I'm not telling my mom...I had forgotten that my mom has half siblings because her dad made an entirely other family in Mexico. She has 5 other half siblings that she met as an adult...so it would be a sore spot for her too. I wish my grandma were alive to talk about it; she was friends with the OW. They knew about each other and I guess in that culture it was more "accepted". She never had an unkind thing to say about the OW. Lol well I have nothing BUT unkind things to say about OW and I'm sure as hell NOT going to be her friend...
Have a nice day and weekend everyone!
Our parents don't know (at least as far as I know) about the A or OC. We live far enough away from the OW/OC that it hasn't been an issue yet. Unless they find out sooner on their own, we will tell COM when we feel it is right - probably into the teen years. My H is their hero and I don't want that to change.
I'm somewhat surprised that fWH's overtime didn't factor into CS calculations. A coworker here is D, and because he got regular OT most the year, his xW would have his CS recalc. every year (just about) to include any OT estimation based on previous year.
One funny though, when fWH finally got around to doing the CS legally, OW had been working @job for $9/hr (which was much less than the $70,000/year she'd drawn the previous 2 years @other job)...they lawyer said since she quit the better paying job she was under-employed (he didn't use those words exactly but I've seen it used elsewhere)....so they used her previous salary to calc. the CS (since she was fully capable of making more $$$, but chose to take a lesser-paying job). Honestly, CS really needs to be recalc. I think it needs to be, since fWH & OW are both unemployed now & on SS disability & OW gets OC's $800/month checks. I am just worried that maybe fWH might get slammed w/back CS, if OW asks for recalc. @some point and they decide he owes her for the years since they both quit working. That would really suck.
One other thing I might remind you guys about is having the deeds to your homes that are in both names having a "survivorship" wording. My mom was widowed & her husband did not have a will. Even though the deeds to 2 houses were in both names, since he didn't have a will & no survivorship clause in deed, his share of the property (1/2) was divided among my mother & his children. So, my mom's homes which she's still paying mortgage on are owned (4/6 by mom, 1/6 by stepson1, 1/6 by stepson2). She was able to get them to sign a quit claim on the smaller property (she rents out), but they refused on the larger home she currently lives in. Refinancing had to be in all 3 names & if she sales the property, the 2 sons (who never paid a dime into it) will get 1/6 each of the profit from sale. When my ILs gave us the deed to 2.5 acres this summer, they had not asked their lawyer to add the survivorship to it. Now my biggest fear is that if fWH passes, since OC is a minor, OW will be part-controller of our land (on OC's behalf). Where the 1/2 deed would be split btwn me, DS14, DS10, OC9 if something happened. We have plans to rectify this quickly, as it gives me great stress to think of having to beg OW for a quit claim or pay her off to get OC's claim off the land. If we both pass away, it's fWH's intent on COM getting the deed to our land & OC getting a life ins. policy (which fWH has yet to put into place).
I don't think I could've handled it, if OC was born right b4 DS10. If I'd have known about OC9 during my pregnancy, I just don't know if I'd have been capable of maintaining the pregnancy. If I'd have known they were trying to get OW preggers during A#1 (with no success yet), I don't think I'd have ever attempted R w/fWH & conceived DS10 during the false-R. My sweet (tempermental) DS10 blue-eyed blondie, would've never been here. Being preggers w/him helped to some degree to make me feel better about R#1...even though that was short-lived. I just wanted a part of fWH to prove I was "special." Little did I know that OW would have a forever little part of him not long after too. It's hard to believe he felt the same feelings of wanting to conceive w/her, as he felt for me.
IW, my husband's grandfather had a complete secret 2nd family. He lost a young son to an accident & FIL found out (w/out his mom knowing) that his brother had passed away. When FIL's mom passed, his dad had already been D from her for some years...he actually brought his adult son from OW to the funeral to pay respects. He was almost the same age as some of FIL's siblings from his mom. Kinda like BMC's situation. I almost wonder if it was fWH's plan to have a secret 2nd family like his grandpa & something happened & it didn't work out. My suspicion is that he got worried OW would tell me, or when DS14 broke his collarbone, he realized he needed to be a 1-family man & let OW go. I wish A#3 never happened....it just proved that OW never gave up on fWH & that fWH still had feelings for OW (no matter how much he'd denied it over the years). I am glad now that he is mostly NC w/OW (as he would never agree to such a thing b4 because they were "friends" and it was for "OC's best interest to remain friendly.")
I am doing better today because I really had to sleep on it some more, and fwh had pulled me into the room after his IC yesterday to discuss (plus he talked to his lawyer too). Now I'm going to be on pins and needles for Monday...I wish I could be there but we talked about it and both decided it wasn't a good idea, not now.
The house is in both of our names but when we refinanced the loan it was only put in his name. We both have to update our living wills since our daughter was born, so we are going to do that soon as well, plus he wants to make sure that any assests etc. are safe and only for us, not OW. I feel like we kinda have a "game plan" and talking it out really helped. I took your words to heart want2help and yes, my family is NOT ruined. Sure this is going to be hard to deal with, and I am concerned about the financial hit, but we are all still together as a family and that is really important to me. WE want this to work. I'm hoping that while I'm out on maternity we can get to a MC because with our schedules before we were very limited on what days we could go together. We really are going to need it.
Repeat--it was hard this pg knowing that there was a possibility. I got pg for many reasons--one is my age (I'm in my 30s), one is the fact I had a loss last year, one is that we had planned to anyway, one was that I thought it would help my healing from THIS mess...but one of the reasons wasn't to "save my family" which is what 1 of my family members (who has pretty much disowned me and I've disowned her)thinks. It was always my intent to have more than 1 child--it just made sense for that child to have the same father.
Again, thank you for your kind words and thoughts and prayers. I think the initial shock was overwhelming, but now trying to think rationally is helping me to cope.
I have already told this story, but I'll retell it for the newly betrayed- FWH's CS was reviewed last year in October. Despite his making less money per hour, his hours being cut from 40 to 30 hours a week, and us having our DD added, they raised his CS for OC to over $500 a month (he also pays CS for his 17yr old DD from his previous M).
OW lied and lied on her CS paperwork. Claimed daycare she doesn't pay (but we have no way to prove she doesn't pay it- all you need is a letter from whoever you claim watches the kid). Added how she only worked 20-30hrs a week.
So, FWH appealed it. He had to fill out the paperwork all over agin, this time not for the CS caseowrker, but for a judge for an over the phone hearing.
OW didn't bother to send in the proof needed to claim childcare, even when the judge gave her extra time to send it in. The cs office had dismissed FWH's reduced work hours even though it was due to lack of work, stemming from the economy, but the appeals judge factored them in. When OW was asked why she only worked 20-30 hours, she responded "because I want to", so the judge considered her "underemployed" and put her as working 40hrs a week. OW was a total bitch, and lied through her teeth the whole time, so FWH got a good taste of just what a bitch he had impregnated.
When the results of the appeal came back we had to pick our jaws up off the floor. Despite the CS office raising the CS to over $500 a month, the appeals judge found the "just and fair amount" to be a mere $179 a month. She also has to pay all of OC's insurance costs, and any future daycare expenses.
We have no idea how that happened. FWH is ordered to pay everything for his daughter from his previous M (no daycare since she is a teen). It is just assumed in our state the non-custodial parent pays 50% of daycare and 100% of insurance. It is the way it has always been. Maybe the judge put 2 + 2 together and figured out she was somebody's knocked up mistress?
Anyhow, if CS gets calculated by a worker, appeal it. I truly believe the only reason it was calculated so high was because the worker was biased. We were able to appeal and get it reduced without a lawyer (only because we couldn't afford one- not recommended).
There is hope!
Plus my mom is still in town so gotta play everything off...hoping it all goes quick and painless. We just want to get on with our lives.
And THIS BITCH had the nerve to show up complaining how BROKE she is...and the kid was wearing freaking baby JORDANS. My fwh was livid and beside himself that not only does she want CHILD support to pay back family members who "loaned" her money, she wanted MORE money a month, she wanted MY MONEY, and she is going to deck the kid out in cutesy outfits and shoes but complain about not getting enough money, and complain that SHE is getting ripped off, AND leave off her food stamps, her unemployment, money from family, etc. on the form. They didn't even take OUR COM into the equation!!! So...I guess it's score 1 for her today...but she's going to be QUITE upset once the recalculations take place with her "new" income plus she will be getting LESS. AND the judge got after her for not working (she complained that she couldn't find work...bullshit in our state the unemployment situation actually isn't as bad as other places)...OH and since she was found to have committed FRAUD on her paperwork, now she has to pay part of our lawyer fees!!! HA HA HA!!!
Needless to say my fwh is 100% repulsed by her and I honestly don't have to worry about him even looking in her direction...he said the little boy didn't look anything like our son or our daughter so he didn't bond at all. Sad that the child has to grow up with assholes for parents. YES, I called HIM an asshole for allowing this to happen.
Anyways, my mom is still in town so my fwh had to talk to me about all this over the phone since when he comes home we have to "pretend" all is well...good thing she leaves tomorrow.
The OTHER problem I have now is my mother in law and sister in law want to talk to this OW about why she's being like this...I BEGGED my fwh to NOT get others involved right now because we REALLY don't need anything to jeporadize or make things worse. I do NOT get along well with my mother in law and I'm pissed that she would want to get involved in our business. But then again my fwh lets her get involved because he tells her every little thing possible. I told him until the Dec hearing right now I don't want ANYONE talking to the bitch...and if anyone gets to go off on her I get first dibs damnit!
thanks for letting me get this out...I NEED to go to my IC but I can't drive yet, and my fwh's paternity leave ends on Wednesday. I can't talk to her on the phone until my mom leaves. *sigh*
I'm so sorry. I don't understand how they could ask for more money than his takehome. Some states don't count COM into the equation (ours didn't years ago, but does now)....some states are flat % for first child to file (not matter how many COM in-house). I think ours found out that they were leaving COM w/out enough $$$ and having to file for food stamps & other stuff to support his primary family.
And, if OW is on unemployment, that is considered taxable income. I hate that OW will never have to claim any of the CS $$$ on taxes though. Some OW (or xW) look to be broke on-paper, but are receiving enough $$$ monthly to support both of themselves.
We found out OW is taking OC & sis to eat @different relatives nightly (or dropping them off w/friends)...so, now that we have OC alternating weeks, we are supporting her needs even more than before & OW is paying even less from OC's $800/month SS dis. checks. And, OW has that brand-spanking new Ford Focus.
I saw her this morning pulling into school w/OC & sis. OC kept saying OW was getting them there >35min before school started...guess she was running late today. Can't she even get that right? She's a SAHM & doesn't cook, runs roads all day, not sure how much housework she does (BH#2 is OCD-ish, so think he cleans a lot), think BH#2 actually gets OC/sis up for breakfast, spends $$$ on manicures & ????, but doesn't have enough $$$ to keep OC's school credit in cafeteria up. I don't get it.
Oh, OC told fWH last week that she'd seen the "stuff" that her granny smokes. She said "granny showed it to me once. It's in a little ziplock bag & looks like dried leaves all broken up." How nice. A 9-yr-old knows what marijuana looks like. No wonder fWH had a conditional visitation added to the custody agreement that OC had to have supervised visits w/granny.
OC hasn't been home a single day last week. Can't OW keep her a$$ @home at all? How on earth is OC getting her work done, if she's not home until bedtime? fWH is worried OW will win OC's heart by keeping the roads hot....OC found out we went to MIL's for dinner Thurs & she said "how come we never do fun stuff when I'm there?" Huh? We just went to restaurant Thurs before when she was home. Kids have homework & bedtime, but now we're the "unfun" family I suppose. When she starts dating, she'll probably want no curfew @OW's house....and ask to quit seeing us on weekends so she can stay out all nights. I just don't see how the 2 sets of rules can work w/a teenager? I know DS14/DS10 will be so angry w/us because OC gets to spend nights w/total strangers & streetwalk all summer. Yes, she & young cousin walk all over the area streets alone (these aren't little town streets, these are back-country highways). They think because they have cells, they are safe. These are two preteens alone, out-of-sight of their parents. In this day & age, it isn't even safe to walk alone in your own neighborhood....I just don't get it.
I think fWH misses OC, but isn't saying. She calls at least 1x daily. Always from the car or a relatives house. Let's see how full week #2 goes for us. School's out tomorrow for election day....fWH is alone all day with OC, DS14 (homeschooling), and DS10. He will be a nervous wreck tomorrow.
I hate OW that act like this. Didn't even try to hide her agenda. I am so soory for the way that this is affecting your family. The fact that the judge awarded it with prejudice shows that they really did not want to do it. Hopefully the laywer can get the next hearing pushed up so that this can be adjusted to a fair amount, I know people that have 3 kids and don't get that much!!
Please, please make sure that your H instills in his mother and sister not to have any contact with OW, this is what she wants, even if it is negative attention, she would have attention from his family, keeps her connected to him. As outraged as everyone is concerning this, do not feed into her need for validation or attention.
Please feel free to talk to us, we will do what we can to support you.
I actually now REGRET not divorcing my fwh and filing for CS first...I listened to my heart and we listened to the lawyer who told us not to worry....good thing is that she WILL get less once the recalcs are done...but of course this means the next month is going to SUCK.
I want to scream for you! Such total bullshit. I really don't understand the courts, why not just award her LESS until next month. So ridiculous. I hope you guys get this figured out ASAP.
& do not let the inlaws contact OW. This is none of their damn business. I wish inlaws wouls stay out of it, mine SIL and MIL are in OW's pocket.
Fwh is trying to get ahold of his lawyer and got the name of another lawyer, and left a message to talk with him this evening. He's livid that our COM weren't taken into consideration at this time (although they are supposed to be next month)--and he's petrified that this will stick forever (although I reassured him that this IS temporary, that the recalc is going to be different, etc.).
Thank you again for all your well wishes. Today was a huge twist to this nightmare, and I hope that it all gets corrected soon.
You can imagine my surprise when I saw through my stepD's myspace that OC had been born. I looked at my stepD's pictures, and there was OC, OW, my MIL and my SIL, and my FWH's nephew. We were sure to change our phone numbers, email addresses, etc before OC was born, since OW couldn't get it through her head that NC is NC.
I hope you don't have to go through that with your inlaws. I can't imagine doing that to my own child, should they have a child outside of their M (god fucking FORBID)that they didn't want me to have contact with.
Stay strong, Island. We are pulling for you.