SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been over 2.5 years since d-day and I consider us happily reconciled. Since d-day FWW has been very transparent, gave me the passwords to all her accounts and gave me permission to access these accounts whenever I wanted. I used to check her accounts frequently, but as time has gone by and trust restored, I have gradually been checking less and less. It's actually been quite awhile since I last checked, however today I decided to do some checking on her facebook account. On her Facebook account, I found she had a friend that I was fairly certain was an old high school boyfriend (he was not the OM).

I texted my FWW and asked her who this guy was. Instead of answering my question, she became agitated and said "I thought we were farther along than this". She was disappointed and angry with me because I still felt a need to "check up" on her. She said I had nothing to worry about, because her old boyfriend is now fat and bald. She angrily said she would just delete him from her facebook account. She had no answer as to why she made him a friend in the first place.

Things have been going so well in our marriage, her response and anger really stunned me.

Was I wrong to check her facebook account and question her about an old boyfriend? I believe she should have told me she became friends with him. Is there a time limit on trust, but verify?

I don't think you were wrong checking her FB.

I want my BH to check up on me, I hope he has a keylogger on my compute, I hope he checks my phone logs.

I don't know if he does any of this, but I have nothing to hide and would love for him to see that.

HmH,

I'm relatively new to all this, but my sense is that NO, there is not a time limit on trust but verify. After all for most of us, it was when we got comfortable and were just bee-bopping along when we were cheated on. I think it makes sense that as time went by and you felt more comfortable, that you did some checking. I think you were just looking for reassurance to continue to make steps in the depth of your trust. Unfortunately you found something that might be a step back, especially with her reaction. I snoop from time to time and probably will forever.If my husband doesn't understand than he is not truly looking at this from my perspective and we'd need to have a long talk about that. I think you have the right to feel safe in your new life and the right to feel secure, especially when you've been betrayed. That's my two cents, I hope more valuable responses come to follow.

FHW here. I don't see anything wrong with you checking. We are 15 months out, reconciled, but I will never have a problem with her checking anything of mine. It's a consequence of my affair.

The statement that you had nothing to worry about "because he is fat and bald" may be a little strange. What if he wasn't? It was probably an innocent comment, but somewhat short sited.

I live by one rule now. I have nothing to hide so I hide nothing.

Is she still angry, or has she calmed down and accepted this as a consequence?

You have been at this a lot longer than I have but I will always periodically check. I don't think you did anything wrong.

What I fear for me any my WS is falling into the old confortable patterns and a sense of complacency that our M had pre A. Truth is, that M is dead. We can never get the blind trust back again. Trust, yes. But blind trust, no.

She may be uncomfortable having to face her guilt and a consequence this far out and her defensive reaction was unwarranted. She might regret it and apologize for her response.

Sorry you are going through this when things were going well. I think as BS's most of us were blindsided by the A when we thought things were going well and that has changed us and out relationship.

Red flag.

I would suggest quiet talks about this, more communication, more talk about what has hurt you, los of eye contact.Make it apparent that, chatting with old boyfriends considering her history is upsetting YOU. That there is a new reality to your lives together.Be strong and firm in your resolve. Facebook other social networks are dangerous.Her response sounds out of it and not aware of the harm she has caused in the past. Frequent discussions together about 'living the right way' maybe get involved with church, give her more diverse and new hobbies and activities together. It looks to me as time passes she is missing the point of previous harm done and this needs to be reinforced. Also maybe learn new ways to make the marriage more satisfying, keep working on it all the time together.Good luck.

3/4 of the people I add on my FB list I never interact with. I just say yes to their friend requests.

What was her interaction on FB with this guy. Are they emailing back and forth a lot? Leaving flirty comments on each other's walls? In other words, are they DOING anything that would be a red flag.

If he's just one of many on her f-list and they are not interacting then there's probably nothing to be upset about.

I'm with NeverWillAgain. What if he hadn't been "bald and fat"? WOuld that have meant you had something to worry about?

I did something similar to my husband just a few days ago. I asked him who a female friend on Facebook was. He calmly explained who she was - an old high school friend. I felt reassured, and felt confidant that if I had said I was uncomfortable with that, that he would have removed her immediately. He was understanding of my need to check still.

No, there's no time limit on trust but verify. Just as there is no time limit if he had a similar question for me about on of MY Facebook friends.

Is it a law somewhere that only "beautiful" people have A?

I would be concerned about her reaction, too. She had a perfect opportunity to show she gets it and is sensitive to your feelings. Why does she need to communicate with exBF? Oh, wait. She doesn't!

Is it possible she overreacted because of feeling guilty and upset at herself at hurting you?

HMH, I am over 2 years out now and I still verify. There's nothing that my FWH wouldn't just hand over if I want to look at it and do just that. There's not a single time that I've asked him "what's this website you went to and why?" and he has answered with anything less than forthright immediate honesty. He's never hesitated, and more importantly, never been angry or upset in the least that I checked.

I see a red flag also. The fact that she got angry. The fact that her immediate response was to just delete him rather than tell you who he was. The fact that he's possibly an ex-boyfriend. The fact that she didn't just tell you to begin with that he was on her list..... those are all red flags to me.

Either she has been having some inappropriate contact with this guy, or she has been thinking about it IMO. She is acting FAR too guilty to be completely innocent.

If it were totally innocent, one would expect your converstaion to have happened like this:

HMH: Honey, who is this Bob guy that's on your list?

FWW: Oh, that's Bob, you remember Bob. We went to HS together, he used to help me with my math. Little nerdy guy, but we were friends anyway.

HMH: When did you put him on your list?

FWW: Oh gosh, it was just this week sometime, can't remember the exact day. He was looking for old HS friends and found me so I accepted. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. We have only exchanged 1 email and it was just a "hey, how ya doin, how's life" thing. I still have it so you can read it if you'd like.

HMH: No, that's ok. Just curious who he was.

FWW: Ok, I love you.

HMH: I love you too.

The end.

That's what one would expect from a totally innocent, transparent FWS. The reaction you got is nothing like that.

I'm confused. You looked at your wife's facebook page? Saw a new friend and asked her about it? And she reacted this way? Are you not allowed to see her facebook page? How come this guy she hasn't seen since high school is allowed to see her page but you aren't? Am I missing something?

ETA - Maybe I just don't get the whole "Facebook" thing, we don't use it. But I don't see how she can have a page that the rest of the world is free to look at, but if you look it's suddenly a problem for her? If old boyfriends visit her page that's cool, but if you do it it's "snooping"? I don't get that. I mean, even if she has her page set to private, everyone that is on her friends list could see this "new friend". So why is it a problem for *you* to know about him? KWIM?

[This message edited by DesertLotus at 10:15 AM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

Facebook is how my WW hooked up with both OP's. One was a high school friend (not boyfriend back then) and the other was a childhood friend. I certainly believe looks have nothing to do with A's.

I also continue to monitor my wife's computer, but we are still less than one month past the end of D-day. I feel guilty monitoring. She doesn't know that I am and she would be very angry if she did.

The reaction is the red flag.

H is the WS and I initially gave him all of my passwords to show that I had nothing to hide and he threw them out. I also have a FB account which includes guys and gals which my kids have access to. We discuss how to use social networking and keep in touch with family. If H came to me and asked for the password to the account he would have it.

Don't let the "Fat and Bald" be a reason not to consider him a threat. My FWW's OM was a prior boyfriend from 28 years in the past. He was FAT and pathetic. She knew it and STILL flew 2000 miles to meet and screw him.

I'm in fairly good shape and supposedly not bad looking. She told me he was ugly and fat and had a small penis...she went back again for another round before I figured it all out.

You just never know. Keep your guard up. Don't take for granted that a fat bald guy could be a threat or an attraction to some women. I don't get it, but you never know.

definitely check .... if I hadn't, I wouldn't have found out all the other shit I wasn't being told; even though I was told there was nothing else to tell.

If you have that gut feeling, go with it.....

I texted my FWW and asked her who this guy was. Instead of answering my question, she became agitated and said "I thought we were farther along than this". She was disappointed and angry with me because I still felt a need to "check up" on her. She said I had nothing to worry about, because her old boyfriend is now fat and bald. She angrily said she would just delete him from her facebook account. She had no answer as to why she made him a friend in the first place.

First of all...even if infidelity was NOT part of your life, this "who is this guy" question is a valid one. If a husband doesnt know a guy talking to his wife, then it would be pretty strange of the husband not to ask the wife who he is.....am i wrong?

Second, Her first reaction was not a good one IMHO. She became defensive rather then just let you know who this guy was OR to say that he was an old boyfriend and offer to go NC with him if he was going to be a trigger for you. I dont care if you 'should be farther along then this'. There are some couples here that trigger 5 years after DDay.

Is there a time limit on trust, but verify?

No, there is no time limit for this.

I say snoop, her red flags have me wondering what she is hiding and trying to steer you away from.

There is no statute of limitations when it comes to the loss of trust, IMO. You are well within your rights to check up on her now, ten years from now, twenty years from now...

You know, a lot of FWSs (even remorseful ones) are shocked by how far-reaching their behavior is - many WSs are shocked when years after the affair, their BS doesn't let a bank statement or telephone bill go by unchecked.

You know your FWW better than all of us here. Is this knee jerk reaction how she gets when she is feeling guilty or hurt or is this red flag behavior?

You had every right...and I see a red flag...FB is not about how people look, my WW would have never had an online EA with a former BF...She didn't see what he really looked like until they were into the middle of the A...When she did she said "yuck" to herself, but continued on anyway...Your WW needs to come clean...