Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
PrettyWings
♀ Member
Member # 25305
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cee64D:

I bought her some roses last week and she seemed to accept them okay. I do know that she tells me all the time that none of this was my fault and that I did nothing to deserve being betrayed. She has also said that she doesn't understand why I love her like I do. She says she has a really hard time understanding that. She doesn't feel like she deserves for me to love her. She feels like she's not worthy. I tell her all the time that if I felt like she wasn't worthy, I would not have let her move back in.

I'm soconfused because I just want her to love me right and all I want is to love her openly and freely. Sometimes I feel like I'm being treated like the WS because it can be like pulling teeth with her to get that affection and intimacy.

It's all so unfair and it's driving me nuts!


Me - BGF - 30
Her - WGF - 30
D-Day - Apr. 28 2009; TT for months

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.


Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California
PrettyWings
♀ Member
Member # 25305
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF:

I have explained to her several times that I need the intimacy. I feel like it was stolen from me viciously and unfairly by this stupid A of hers. Whenever I bring it up, we end up getting into an argument. She tells me she's not comfortable yet because she feels like she shouldn't be allowed to let me touch her. IDK what to believe anymore.

I know I want to reclaim that part of the relationship but I feel like I have no control over the situation and yet, she's the one who cheated. I feel like it doesn't matter enough to her. She really doesn't understand how it makes me feel and no matter how much I explain it, she says she understands but she doesn't. I feel like if she truly understood she would do what I asked of her.

I love her and I'm trying to hang on but sometimes it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sexually frustrated and emotionally deprived. I truly believe that we had a great history before the A and we can rebuild. I do see lots of positive but I just can't get passed the lack of intimacy. I will admit that my first thoughts always go to, "I'm not getting the intimacy because she's thinking about the OW!"

I am trying to be understanding of her feelings for the AP. It really suxks to have to know that she is going through withdrawals from something that never should've been. You know?!


Me - BGF - 30
Her - WGF - 30
D-Day - Apr. 28 2009; TT for months

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.


Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California
Cee64D
♂ Member
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PrettyWings,

This sounds very familiar to me. For a while there my FWW felt the same way, said much the same things.

This comes from a lack of self love, I think. In My FWW's case she didn't value herself or think herself worthy of a good relationship so unconsciously set about damaging it. Of course I've known this for 20 years, gettin her to admit it was the hard part.

A Wayward can sometimes really punish themselves. Way beyond what is reasonable. Saw my FWW do that a lot. It took a lot for her to believe I could forgive her and sometimes I wonder if she really and truly does believe it.

What I believe is that we love others because of who we are not who they are and sometimes in spite of who they are. Hopefully this is just something that will take time to iron out. We seem to have a similar problem.


The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

reset button - For WHs - after the affair came to light did you minimize the ďemotionalĒ aspect of it to protect your BS's ego? When I say minimize, I mean, not admit to the ďemotional aspectí side of it being such an important motivation.

After my wife confronted me with her suspicions and I confessed, I gave my wife access to all of the emails that were the bulk of the EA and so in one sense, I could not minimize what I had said with regard to emotional intimacy. How could I? It was all in black and white but regardless of what I had written and what was there on paper, the truth is that I did minimize the scope of that involvement in the subsequent weeks of questioning.

The mind of a WS is a very sordid, confused place during the preamble, main body, and post mortem of an A. Don't give us too much credit for rational thought - unknown poster

There might have been a half dozen physiological reasons for minimizing (denial, avoidance, sublimation, etc) but doing it to protect my BSís ego was not one of them. I did it for other reasons. I minimized it because the truth was hurtful (in some respects, more hurtful than you can imagine) and I wanted to spare her more hurt. I minimized it because I did not want to admit the degree of entanglement that existed because acknowledging that to her and to me would do nothing but damage me in her eyes more than I already was.

If anything, my BS and I would both agree that if anything, I was guilty of minimizing it to protect me from my own guilt and shame. I minimized to protect my own self from the guilt and shame that being ďtotally truthfulĒ would have exposed me to.

I think that the act of minimizing is a natural instinct in this sort of situation and that while someone may say ď I would neverĒ prior to the act, the truth is, that so many of us fall back on the immediate instinctive reactions imbedded into our back brain and so we lie, we minimize and we deny. A bad analogy is ďhow BSís who are betrayed and subsequently express ďhow could heĒ end up sometimes becoming mad hatters due to them not being able to stop themselves from the ďIíll get him backĒ syndrome. In both cases, we allow ourselves to follow our emotional choices and not to follow our conscious decisions and when the WS is guilty of minimizing; I think more often than not, itís more instinctive than deliberate.

Ultimately, I think that by very deliberately embracing and using ďsafe discussionĒ techniques, you can create the time/place and circumstances in which the WH will be comfortable in telling the truth in the smallest details. Trust me; the A exposed the WS to a side of them that they do not want to face. We donít want to face it, we donít want to talk about it and so we will try to avoid and delay and obstruct that ďtalkĒ as long as we can. And when push comes to shove, and we are forced to talk, our first reactions will be to minimize it. We need to find a safe place with you and within ourselves before we stop that behavior.

HUFI

When it comes to love and romance, self-deception can be useful because the truth can be difficult to acknowledge. Many people actively deny the truth until they are forced to deal with it. Our perception of the world is biased, our memories betray us, and our true motives can remain hidden. For better or worse, we constantly convince ourselves of things that are not true - unknown poster


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3219 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

edited as a duplicate post ... how and why, I really don't know but it sucks when it happens ...

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 5:49 AM, March 12th (Friday)]


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3219 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((( Jollum )))

It was earlier written that there seems to be two types of WSís, the remorseful ones and the non-remorseful ones. I think that a lot of people might want to quickly label your wife into the non-remorseful category and then project their thoughts based on that. But I am not familiar with your story and so before I label anyone, I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt and explore one possibility.

What if she is truly remorseful? What if she really truly does get the pain and hurt that her actions have done to you. What if she is all of this but she is also just a scared and frightened wife who doesnít have good coping skills and who canít find her way to them?

You said that she answers but does not volunteer. Well, I know that I do that and Iím not doing it for some nefarious reason or the other. I am doing it because the quicker and shorter the answer, the faster I can escape from being inside the head of a two time cheating bastard and away from the feelings of guilt and shame all over again. In particular, if your W is a conflict avoider, this will just raise that bad behavior to another level all together.

If you want answers but are not willing to ask and if she is not willing or even worse, if she is unable to move forward on creating honesty and intimacy, then your marriage is doomed. I know from my own experience that I need some very specific circumstances to exist for me to feel safe and to open up. I find it hard to open up while in heated argument. I feel it safer to cry when I am reacting to a heated argument. I like to talk with minimum eye contact at times so I donít see the pain in her eyes. I like to talk when cuddled up in bed. I need to know that what I say will not set her off today. I write better than I talk about feelings. And if your wife is like me and if the circumstances are not there to create this safe place for talking, well then you will never get the answers to the question of "why" that you are seeking.

Why is she seeing that your relationship is worth fighting for now as compared to 9 months ago? Well, the sad truth is that 9 months ago, you wife had come to the convoluted reason in her head and heart that she could have the benefits of an affair without risking the marriage. She built this world up inside her that justified it all. Within the cloud of euphoria, she wasnít forced to face the real world but with the discovery of the A, she was forced to. It tends to burn away the fog and makes you understand that you have lost everything and gained mothering. In the best of worlds, this revelation creates a remorseful WS who then commits to prove his love, to woo you back but you know what? Sometimes, the WS that you get is not the model WS. No itís the broken down model with poor coping skills, FOO issues, bad communication skills and a suckie attitude.

Perhaps you need to practice the 180. Draw lines in the sand. Be resolute and be strong for yourself. Sometimes it the actual serving of the D papers that are the only thing that seems to work.

From your signup date here on SI, itís only been 8+ months and I suspect that she might be still in the fog and lost. You know, sometimes the only way to resolve issues like this are to pose the proverbial questions in blunt easy yes or no questions. There is no guessing and wondering what the hidden meaning is when the question can only be answered with a yes or no. Do you love me? Will you fight for me? If you donít, do you understand that I will leave? If she is in the fog, its questions like this that will make her shit or get off the pot, if you pardon the French.

Jollum, IMHO, you have to sit down and have a face to face. As long as you are letting her deny the hurt and the aftermath of the A to you and to herself, then this situation will never resolve itself.

HUFI

If there is one universal constant common to the A, itís the simple truth that the "reality and the perception" of the situation all depends on where you are in time, space and personal growth at any given day. Everyone should understand that we all came to the affair at different stages at different times and we are also working our way beyond it at different speeds and perhaps, in different directions Ė HUFI-PUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3219 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At MC last nite the MC suggested to me that I write out the questions I have for FWH. (We had been having a discussion about the 'missing' pieces of the puzzle regarding his A, and TTing.)

My question to FWS's, would you have preferred the questions be in written form? And if so, why?


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((sidney55)) I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband had affairs. My question is this Ö why does he feel this remorse now - why didn't he feel bad when he was doing it? How come the remorse only came out when you got caught and NOT before?

PM sent on your question.

HUFI - BE STRONG. BE LION STRONG. ROAAAR!!


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3219 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painpaingoaway -

My question to FWS's, would you have preferred the questions be in written form? And if so, why?

I prefer written questions for a stupid reason. We don't have that much time to talk. If the questions were sent via email, I could respond thoroughly. When we can start talking at 11pm and one of us has to be up at 6am... there are only a few 3am sessions before I am utterly non-functional. And I still have to get lunch ready, drive kid to school, etc., etc.

So, it's mostly logistical for me. But, spoken is fine, too. We had a lot of late-night sessions. Either way is fine.

Having said that... it's all the Wayward's fault anyway. So whatever medium the BS chooses - the WS should just suck it up.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I've posted about this before, but I just can't seem to let go of it...
For me, it's not 'WHY did you?', it's 'HOW could you do this?' Is there a difference? I can't really explain it, but to me, there is a difference. I don't need to ask 'why?' I know why... because you choose to.

But my question is 'HOW could you?' How could you do something that you know is wrong? I don't do things that I know are wrong. I just don't. I have something inside of me... some sort of internal radar warning system or something... I can't even verbalize it... It's just an icky feeling that I get when I know something is wrong... and I back off.

I enjoy the attention and compliments of other people. I think we all do. But I immediately sense when it's going too far. And that scares me. I feel that person has crossed a boundary, and it immediately negates whatever good vibe I had before. I feel disgust for them. I feel dirty and violated that they would cross my boundary. I don't understand why they don't feel the same way. It makes me want to run away, and I do.

Do our cheating WS's not have those feelings too? Or do they have them, but just ignore their warning systems?

Am I the only one that feels this way?

Is loyalty no longer valued in our society?

Am I an idiot? Am I naive? Am I Pollyanna?

I'm almost 52, so maybe I'm old fashioned. Maybe I just don't understand the male sex-drive... I have a VERY strong sex drive, I always have, so I feel like I can possibly understand what a man's sex drive is like... but I don't cross that line.

I thought my husband had the same values... I knew he did, I just knew it... But I was wrong. How could I have been so wrong about something?

I was that person that if some well meaning friend or neighbor had told me my husband was cheating, I wouldn't have believed them... I would have said, you are lying to me, because my H is not capable of that. I would have NOT believed it!!!!

Even in R, my world is still shattered, and sadly I can't help but think it always will be.


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
manAscending
♂ Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@painpaingoaway

[W]ould you have preferred the questions be in written form? And if so, why?
I would have greatly preferred questions in written form. It's just a matter that I think clearer when I have a visual question in front of me as a reference point.

With questions written for me, I could have better articulated my answers. I could have ensured that I was being thorough in my responses.

I'd like to add--I wouldn't want only questions exchanged by paper or email. I would expect that they would serve as a springboard for meaningful face-to-face dialogue. Whatever works best for the two of you, I suppose.


Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Painpaingoaway)))) - For me, it's not 'WHY did you?', it's 'HOW could you do this?'

I spend most of my afternoon working on a reply to this question. I had thought that I could talk about compartmentalization, justification, denial and avoidance to explain the ďHOWĒ but thatís the technical way of what we did. Itís not the ďhow come" we did it. It just kept getting longer and longer and the longer it got, the more I became sure that I went totally off course to your question. I ended up with this long reply as to motives and the thinking process of the WS during the affair but when I talked to LF, she refocused me.

But my question is 'HOW could you?' How could you do something that you know is wrong? I don't do things that I know are wrong. I just don't. I have something inside of me... some sort of internal radar warning system or something... I can't even verbalize it... It's just an icky feeling that I get when I know something is wrong... and I back off.

I want to focus on your sentence of I have something inside of me and combine it with the other sentence of Do our cheating WS's not have those feelings too? Or do they have them, but just ignore their warning systems?

You see, when I combine them together, I get a single word reply to your question. A conscience. And when I saw that word, your "HOW" question became one of ďWHYĒ did ours not work like itís supposed to? How did we come to ignore it? Well, I can only speak for myself but there is a quote that I need to share first.

In recent weeks, I am starting to learn that my own heart and mind was not always my best friend as I try to peel away the onion of intertwined thoughts, actions, emotions, fears, passions and destructive behaviours that brought me to this affair. The journey between being an honest man and a two timing cheating bastard was not marked by a single solitary act of dishonour or a single lie. No, it was unfortunately marked by a whole lot of small "white" lies, a sprinkle of half truths and a pinch of trickle truthing. Hmmm, perhaps that now explains why I don't see an honest, truthful man in the mirror anymore in the mornings. Pity, what a shame. I kind of miss him and I know my BS does. Honest people learn to lie and liars learn to sound honest Ė HUFI-

The reason I use that quote is because that quote talks about the shades of gray in ones life, the half truths.

I think that a strong conscience seeís the world in shades of black and whites, with moral certitude and an unshakable faith in the division of the world into good and bad.

I think that moral grounding for a lot of us has been replaced with a much more modern view that sees life in shades of grey based on moral, ethical, legal standards that are not absolutes. Without that line being so visible and so apparent, so many of our actions are viewed as right and wrong depending on who we are, where we come from and what our hearts whisper to us instead of coming from our conscience.

I think the ďhowĒ of your question is merely the sad fact that our consciences failed us or perhaps, we merely failed to listen to our conscience.

Now, if that doesnít seem to answer your question, I can still give you 2000 words on the inner turmoil and indecisiveness that I lived with during the EA but the simple truth is that I failed myself.

I failed myself because when I asked the myself the question of what should I do, I didnít listen to the voice that said, do the right thing.

Instead, betrayed by the desires of the weak HUFI, I listened to the voice that said, this is the temptation that you want, go for it. I blocked out the quiet voice of my good conscience and listened instead to the other voice.

How did we fail to stop ourselves when we came to that final decision of whether to have the affair or not? Itís simple; we choose the shades of gray as they were the ones that fulfilled our wants and desires as compared to following the black and white world of right and wrong. We heard the message of indulgence spoken by the evil HUFI and ignored the pleas of the good HUFI when our conscience spoke to us.

HUFI


Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. Decide. Choose. Commit. Period.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3219 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
PrettyWings
♀ Member
Member # 25305
Helpless  Posted: 3:04 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, here goes. If you were going to continue to lie, cheat, and deceive your BS, why did you accept the gift of R? If you had no intentions of being faithful, why would you put your BS through so much disrespect and degradation? Knowing the damage you caused, why would you continue on and make your BS feel stupid? Wasn't your A cruel enough for your BS?


Me - BGF - 30
Her - WGF - 30
D-Day - Apr. 28 2009; TT for months

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.


Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cant seem to shake the constant scrutinizing and comparing myself to the ow. OW is 10 years younger & has certain assets shall we say that I lack & that I cannot obtain. Every single picture of her I see (part of my ongoing internet investigation) are provocative in nature & she is almost always exposing huge amounts of cleavage. This is what he was attracted to for 1 1/2 years. This is not me. I'm in good shape, but I don't flaunt my sexuality in public. Truth be told, I'm very conservative in private as well. I cant shake the feeling that he loved this in your face sexuality & attention - and I cannot offer him that.
On a related note - I'm also struggling with my disappointment in what I believe my h should be doing since DDay in that I was thinking he should have a lot more interest in me - I guess I want to see the kind of attention he gave her to me. (Which is all speculation on my part - all I know is that other than a few occasions when they went to a bar together, they had sex in one of their cars before or after work a few times a week. The phone & texting was throughout the day all day & night tho). I guess I feel like I should be his new object of affection & while I see more interest from him - it's not what I think it should be. WIll this come in time? I realize things are a bit rocky now - so I suppose he's on his guard, just as I am.
Can anyone offer any insights?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
manAscending
♂ Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@PrettyWings

If you were going to continue to lie, cheat, and deceive your BS, why did you accept the gift of R? If you had no intentions of being faithful, why would you put your BS through so much disrespect and degradation?
During the season of my infidelity, I had 5 ONS before I confessed to my BW. After the first ONS, I swore it would never happen again. It's not that I had no intetentions of being faithful. It's that I had every intention not to be unfaithful--a slight change in focus about which I'm finding it hard to properly articulate. I wonder if your WGF was thinking that way, too.

As for continuing to deceive after D-day, thankfully I didn't do that. However, at the very beginning, I didn't see R as a gift. I had my head so far up my ass that I saw R more like a lucky break. My mindset changed when I began to lurk on SI.


Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
PrettyWings
♀ Member
Member # 25305
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

manAscending:

I really wish she would get the importance of why she needs to read and seek counseling and why I asked her to visit this site. I know that I can't make her treat me right. She has to want to be faithful. She still wants to be in control of things so it doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm finally tired of trying. I'm tired of loving her. I found out yesterday that she is not in NC with the OW so I'm done.

Why couldn't I have been one of the lucky BSs who get a remorseful WS who goes above and beyond to win their BSs trust back? Instead, I get a WS that wants to continue to lie and twist the knife that she has plunged into my chest!!

I'm a good person. I am respectful and thoughtful. I don't lie and I don't cheat. I only wanted the same respect and consideration and I got more lies and more deceit.

What did it take for you to "get it"?


Me - BGF - 30
Her - WGF - 30
D-Day - Apr. 28 2009; TT for months

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.


Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California
HeCheats
♀ Member
Member # 27278
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, here I am. Freaked out and need some advice from any kind FWS.

I have had a terrible toothache all day. WH and I were supposed to go on a "date" tonight. We have been separated officially for a week. He moved out. I pretty much made him leave after the bout below.

He had been living in our RV in the driveway since New Years when the OW (his step sister) flew in and he took our family RV to a park and pick her up from the airport. They spent 5 days together. He came home but I wouldn't let him sleep in the house.

They had been having an EA/PA for at least 4 months prior to that. She is also married.

I outed them to her BH over New Years. Every month at the end of the month my WH gets on a plane and I guess they celebrate their anniversary.

The first of Feb I try to make some kind of contact with him. He kicks me in the teeth with rejection.

I 180 myself and go complete NC with him. By the end of the month he his begging for my attention. Crying, wailing, somewhat remorseful.

Wants to spend time with me, blah blah blah. It took me a while to spend time with him again.

Mostly, he just aggrivates me now. I try to talk about his affair. He was sorry at first but now, he is minimizing even to the point of telling me his 6+ month affair was only to make me jealous and they never had sex.

He calls me today about date and I cancel. I can't even chew so he offers to bring me some happy liquor and says we can just spend some time together.

I agree even though I feel like shit. He comes, brings a happy drink and we watch TV for about an hour. Then all of sudden, out of freakin' no where, he starts bringing up shit that happened 20 years ago and starts criticizing me.

Well, we don't live together anymore so It's not like I have to put up with his bullshit. Instead of engaging his forced arguement, I just say I guess it's time for you to leave.

So he does but not without giving me more shit on the way out.

What gives? Yesterday, he made it a point to ask me (he was with me for a while) did I notice he had his cell with him, on, the whole time and he just wanted me to know that. I asked him if he was trying to tell me something and he said yes. Then he asked me to go a date tonight.

He knows I have detached from him. He know I don't need him. If all he wants to do is give me shit, why bother at this point?

He can be so sweet and loving one minute and the old fucking zombie the next.

I am just bewildered by his behavior tonight. Any thoughts? Thanks so much.


A lying, cheating husband that leaves is God's way of saving a good woman from a complete asshole while she still has time to live her life!!! - A wise SIer

Me-BW 43
Him-WZ (that's Zombie)51
DD23, DS16
Dday 1 10/28/09
Dday 2 11/5/09


Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2010
manAscending
♂ Member
Member # 26919
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@PrettyWings

What did it take for you to "get it"?
First of all, I am so sorry for you. Reading the other post I responded to, I was worried the two of you had a major setback. I'm so sorry, PW. You must be hurting a lot today.

A bit about me. After d-day, my BW and I spent two months in limbo. Shortly after we began MC, she asked me for an indefinite separation. That's where we're at now. I long to R with my wife. She used to want R, but no longer does. It hurts so badly. I get how you feel about needing intimacy--not just sexual, but intimacy in general. That must make your GFs choice to contact the OW sting a lot more.

To fully appreciate R took all of the things which you've named. One thing it took was the separation itself. My BW showed me tough love. She realised that I was becoming complacent in the limbo we were experiencing. When she asked me to leave, it was a huge wake-up call. The initial separation was the defining moment for me which helped me to see that, while I wasn't continuing to lie or cheat, I was certainly not meeting needs that my BW had.

Another thing that helped was that I found SI very soon after D-day and lurked for a few months. Joining and posting was the best thing for me. In my first post, I wrote how terrifying it was to talk about my infidelity. But it's turned out to be incredibly therapeutic. And I've even helped others now, which has, in turn, boosted my self-esteem. I hope that your GF has the decency to check us out. At the very least, tell her that I hope she reads through the Healing Library. I have learned so much from the shared experiences of others. Most importantly, I have learned about remorse, commitment, and hope.

Yet another thing that helped was counselling. I began IC shortly after separating with my BW. I've had over 8 hours of psychotherapy now, and am much clearer about where I went astray. IC is helping me to identify my own deepest needs--Can I count on my partner? Will she be there for me? Will she respond to my call? I didn't realise that my BW had these attachment needs until I realised that I had them, too--in fact, that everyone does. IC was crucial to my appreciation of reconciliation and being a "port in the storm" for my BW. The book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson helped me a great deal.

Ultimately, what I "got" wasn't that I needed to be faithful, like "Oh, now I see why I should be faithful." It was more about understanding that treating her right is a small part of meeting her need for a secure lover. Faithfulness is part of that, but so is understanding, forgiveness, trust, vulnerability, respect, romance, and creating shared meaning. I need to be a secure place for my partner, and she needs that from me.

I hope that you and your GF are able to have a good conversation tonight, PW. Do take care of yourself.


Posts: 1648 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, March 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HeCheats,

Your WH doesn't appear to be getting it. From what I have read of other BS' doing the 180, your WH reactions are typical. Once he gets in front of you, or you show him any attention, he reverts back into his game.

I would suggest that you keep up the 180. It is for protecting yourself, not for getting your WH to realize anything specific.

The bit about the cell phone is something he thinks makes a difference, but then he turns on you. Don't put up with it. As long as you keep give him any attention, any foothold, he will keep acting this way. Maybe farther down the 180 path, he might get it, but maybe by that time, you won't be interested in giving him any more chances. That will be his loss.

Sorry.

[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 6:20 PM, March 14th (Sunday)]


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6056 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Patriot45
♂ New Member
Member # 27916
Frustrated  Posted: 8:11 PM, March 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for the female WS. My wife is in an affair and she is vacilating back and forth. I exposed in January after I found out and it blew up for about a month. Now they are back together (long distance) My WW is in CA and I know he's there. I called her last night and confronted, but she denied it.

She started texting me about 3am this morning saying how she wanted none of this. Still saying she was alone and that she only wanted a couple days alone to think. I told her she made the choice and was leaving me with little option.She then told me she was trying to be a better person. She closed by saying she was confused on what to do. She said I love you, do whatever you need to do. I cant be that wife for you anylonger. What does this mean? She comes back tomorrow, how would you approach this. She leaves again on Wed. for another week. Do I say to her that's it, I'm filling? I don't want to appear weak or make her think she can continue. What are your thoughts on where she is at? Thanks for the help.


JS

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: TX
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.