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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter

Yeah I would like to know where the hell my loyalty is! Ya know?

I am glad I got you and your spouse talking more. That is good!

Yes loyalty is not a good enough answer. He needs to look within himself to find that answer. I just hope he hasn't waited to long...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter

Just a thought. Could you be holding back from telling your BW that you love her out of guilt or perhaps you can't understand how she could still love you after the A?


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter

"If that love was there, which it was, then it shouldn't be discarded just because I believed, however incorrectly, that my BW didn't love me."

What you wrote is how I felt when my FWH had his A. He also admitted that at the time of the A he falsely believed I no longer loved him. So, I know how that can make your BW feel and my heart goes out to her.

I'm wondering from looking back at what you posted if the reason you don't tell your BW that you love her is because your afraid of being hurt and afraid of hurting her again. Could that be why your holding back from telling her?


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy here I go.
The WS feels like the BS doesn't love em because that is how they rationalize the affair. That is their reasoning. Not picking on ya Baxter or WS out there. But really seriously.
You got this OP and they are paying you attention and your heart is going flippy floppy and they are flirty flirty. One thing leads to another and one of ya is telling a sexie joke. One is talking about how the marriage or their relationship just doesn't have what it is they feel they need. Then before you know it wham they are in the midst of this freakin fantasy. Give a few weeks months and you start coming out of the fog. You see it for what it is. Stupid ignorant childish behavior. Alot of lies. You may wonder how you grew 2 heads. IDK?? But you actually became something you never thought you could a cheater. Soo how why?? Then you get to dig yourself out... Did I get that right?
I don't know that is just what my mamma always told me! I always said I had a smart mamma!
It is unfortunate an it does happen. Do you fall out of love with your spouse? IDK? I have never been a WS.

But I truly feel to cheat you have to make your marriage horrible and your spouse someone you don't love or respect or otherwise how could you cheat?
Okay so I guess that is the question huh? Is my opinion a valid one?


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nothereorthere,

yes and yes. That about sums it up.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter

My WS asked me a few times how I could love him? I asked him if was someone else that I didn't know? He said No I am still Mr. H. I said ok then why should I not still love you? I just don't like your actions at all!
I will always love my husband married or not. It is whether or not I can tolerate his actions... Did I help ya any?


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartache101 -

The WS feels like the BS doesn't love em because that is how they rationalize the affair.

This is too general. I have never doubted my husband's love for me.

You got this OP and they are paying you attention

I was the pursuer.

One is talking about how the marriage or their relationship just doesn't have what it is they feel they need.

Nope, never did this. xAP was single and if I talked about my H to the xAP, I always praised my H and asked what the fuck was wrong with me.

Do you fall out of love with your spouse?

No, I did not.

But I truly feel to cheat you have to make your marriage horrible and your spouse someone you don't love or respect or otherwise how could you cheat?

No, I never thought my marriage was horrible. It wasn't perfect, but what relationship is? I wasn't cheating on my marriage or on my husband. I wasn't doing this to him. I was doing something fucked up because I was fucked up inside.

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 1:51 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to add anything to these posts going on...
I have just been reading them...

Thanks to all of the WS's who do reply to these questions...


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2491 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tennispro4,

Question:
Our DDay was just a week ago, and happened when my WH told me he was having an EA/PA with a coworker. He left our home last week after he told me, slept there Sunday night, and has left again. He said they tried to go NC before but couldn't. I asked him last night to tell me all the details and go NC, and he wouldn't. But he wants to go to MC. This might be a too individualized question, but what does this mean? I didn't ask for MC, he did. Could MC be the thing to get him out of the fog? Make him want to end the A? Or is he just trying to play me?

I can only speculate as to why your WH suggested MC..... BUT, I can tell you why "I" did the same thing during our false recovery.

I wanted to make sure everyone saw that I had done everything I could to save my marriage by giving the "outward appearance" of trying. I was sooo full of shit, that the stinch followed me every where I went!

MC was a huge tool for me to gaslight everyone!

IMO, MC is useless the wayward will agree to NC.... Otherwise it is like trying to convince a falling down drunk that they need to get sober and change their ways... Won't work so well, yanno!



WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
srb1608
♀ Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is in IC and all doing all the right things and we are doing good. I just wonder why WS's profess or let the OW think thier love for them runs so deep, why do they allow them to think they are going to have a future with them and all and then when the A blows up, they throw they under the bus without a glimpse back?

And why do the same OW that they risk it all end up repulsing them when it hits daylight?


Makes you wonder what you are worth if they risk it all for something they wouldnt consider actually making a life with!


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartache101,

In my sitch, I "fell out of love" with my wife three months prior to the OW contacting me and another two months before the EA began with said OW. See this thread of mine in Wayward: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=350383

Your second answer/question sounds somewhat familiar to me as my BW has a similar answer for me when I ask her how she can still love me. I think that since they wayward has lost the trust in the M, it is difficult to trust our spouses to really love us after we have treated them so badly.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartache 101,

Okay here it is.
Why stay with your BS?

I mean you cheated your marriage had a flaw or you would not of went outside the marriage right? And why would you want to stay and fight to be who you want to be when you could be that person with someone else without all the crap.. You know the history of the crap??? It just mind boggles me that a WS would want to stay after they cheated. Any clarity on this for me???
See I think well if I would of cheated ain't no way I would go back and put up with the crap I was trying to run from.. Am I making any sense????


It's a logical question!

I stayed because I still loved my wife!

When I put my pride away, eliminated all my psycho-babble crap and put a halt to all the marital history REWRITE, I discovered some valuable truths

I was infatuated with OW! It was not love. OW could not compete with my wife! Once I was on my own and the fantasy began to crumble many things became clear.

I saw OW for what she was... She was a counterfit love that looked like the real thing for a period of time.

Thankfully my wife still had a small amount of love left for me when I got my head out of my hiney. We were able to build upon that reality and create the conditions that were able to restore and sustain marital love again.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter

Tell your W why you don't tell her you love her. She needs an answer and she needs it to be honest. Others have talked about the "faking it til you make it" on here. I had a difficult time telling my FWH that I loved him at first after his A. But, he seemed to need to hear it and deep down I knew I still did. So, I continued to tell him I love him and eventually I was pleasantly surprised to find out I felt it and meant it again when I said it.


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all WS out there I have a question??

Do you think you were depressed when you had your affairs mistakes whatever you wanna call it. You think?? I mean I know depression makes life look sooo different.

I have one WS on here that said I fell out of love with my wife. Well I think that signals depression to me more then I fell out of love, KWIM? Sooo whatcha all think?? Hmmm????


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartache101,

You asked;

Do you think you were depressed when you had your affairs mistakes whatever you wanna call it. You think?? I mean I know depression makes life look sooo different.

First let me tell you that I really detest seeing adultery called a mistake. I hate seeing BS's call it that as well. It just minimizes the crime waaaayy toooo much! What I did was a disgusting, appalling, cruel, rutting like a pig in the mud, abominable act of adulterous infidelity.

Was I depressed..... HELL NO! And any wayward that claims they were depressed during their A, IMO, is full of crap and still wayward.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Card

Really?

Sooo what would you call someone that slept with a coworker once? ONS when it was daytime. An Affair? Either way it is adultery a cheater. He my WS called it a big ass mistake.

I am just trying to wrap head around this crap... I was thinking well. Okay depression is a mental thing. And when people are depressed they think they have nothing to live for. When in fact they for the most time have a loving family that is there for them. Hence just like us BS here waiting for the spouse that has their head up their arse. Sooo I was thinking hmmm maybe it is a form of depression? That noone loves me the BS doesn't love me this person does??? IDK??? I am not a WS I have not a clue...
I guess it just is what it is huh?


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tennispro

Question:
Our DDay was just a week ago, and happened when my WH told me he was having an EA/PA with a coworker. He left our home last week after he told me, slept there Sunday night, and has left again. He said they tried to go NC before but couldn't. I asked him last night to tell me all the details and go NC, and he wouldn't. But he wants to go to MC. This might be a too individualized question, but what does this mean? I didn't ask for MC, he did. Could MC be the thing to get him out of the fog? Make him want to end the A? Or is he just trying to play me?

My H did the same thing. He immediately said he wanted to work on our marriage and go to MC. I was so relieved. He was so sorry, we talked with the therapist and worked on us. Bingo...6 months later I discover his A lasted longer than the year he said and he admitted to a 4 year affair and he had continued to see her. I wish I would have had this website after the first dday, because I would have given him the consequences but I didn't know better, so I decided to give him another chance knowing the consequences. So far so good. He realized his loss if he continued.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartache,

Sooo what would you call someone that slept with a coworker once? ONS when it was daytime. An Affair?

I would call it the same thing; a disgusting, appalling, cruel, rutting like a pig in the mud, abominable act of adulterous infidelity.

He my WS called it a big ass mistake.

Reminds me of the rapist in prison that said he is in prison because he made a mistake..... I'm sure his victim doesn't view what he did as a mistake.
Or the thief in jail that robbed a house to support his drug habit saying he is there because he made a mistake..... I'm sure the violated victims didn't see it as a mistake at all. The only mistake these criminals really feel they made, WAS GETTING CAUGHT!

Most of the waywards I've helped that like to call what they did a "mistake" still don't consider their BS to be a victim of the crime they committed. They somehow still consider themselves to be the victim in all of this,,,,,... NOT depression, but DENIAL!



[This message edited by Card at 2:42 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
pollybuddy
♀ Member
Member # 20742
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to thank Unexpected Song for the answers advice, got busy at work and didnt' have time to come back, but a great big thank you to all WS who come here and try to help BS get answers.

As for my question/situation...I kind of agree with both answers I got: I think actions matter MORE than 'thoughts and feelings'...but I also agree that 'thoughts and feelings' can shape actions.

So,no peace for me yet. And we ran into/saw OW 4 times in a week last week, which is more than has happened in almost a year, so I'm still processing.

I take a LONG time to make decisions, so I'm going to just do what I've always done: work, take care of our child, spend time with H, and let my mind go crazy...

but thank you all again.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 11/1989
One child, daughter, born 2/99
Affair: EA turned PA for 4 1/2 months.D Day 11/19/07 OW WAS employee/friend.
D Day 2, 4/30/09:OOPS turns out it never ended, I've been in false R for a year and a half.
Status:

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Aug 2008
goingdownhill
♂ New Member
Member # 27170
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartache 101,

My BS asked me my opinion on your question. My opinion is, yes it WAS a mistake. If I didn't consider it a mistake, then I'd have to say I considered it to be OK. And I don't. If an A is not a mistake it must be right. I see it as wrong and wish it hadn't happened. So that makes it a mistake. If it wasn't then I should've been thrown out on the street along time ago. Depression messes alot of things up. It's in your head and makes you see things differently. I read your profile. Long time to be with someone and then throw it away. Work on yourself and your marriage. Don't give up and regret it later. But there should NOT be any more chances for WS. He needs help too if he has done this and sees nothing wrong with it and continues. Help him to understand a mistake is wrong and it shouldn't happen at all.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Ohio
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