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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listening Closely: thank you for taking the time to answer. I'm truly happy for all the times people like you came through ont his thread when my questions have been far more significant.
Anyway - I did ask him & he said he knew it was coming (meaning the trigger) but that he wasn't going to be the one to bring it up... So funny - after seeing your responses on this thread - I guess ws really go through a lot to forget the whole thing happened - and I totally understand that from a rational perspective - from a bs perspective tho - I guess it looks like the A is being dismissed. O well. THanks again!
Peace all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgoodnamesgone -

I think one of the toughest things to sort out is how to bridge the gap between the FWS putting distance between themselves and the A while still maintaining the significance of it's impact to the BS.

I try not to dwell on it each day, but it's never far from my mind.

Based on the feedback you got, there's also the possibility that in an effort to protect you from hurting, your WS was avoiding deliberately bringing up a topic that would cause pain. You might want to talk about the fact that the pain will be there whether your WS starts the subject or you do, and that it can actually be comforting when the WS shows they are aware of your pain by bringing up the trigger first.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
AttemptStrength
♀ Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF: We talked about it and he hates it because it remind him of the person he no longer want's to be. That he's striving against. When I made the offer to give it to him when I had finally managed to forgive him he said ok but he didn't wanna see it if at all possible again before that time.


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1991 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listening- thank you again for your response.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Skeptic83
♂ New Member
Member # 28530
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question to WWs:
What did the OM have that your H didn't? Do you think your H is capable of satisfying your needs as well as the OM did?

Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2010
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skeptic83 - The affair had nothing to do with my husband. There was nothing the OM could offer that was better than what I already had. The problem was within me.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
thegreatwife
♀ Member
Member # 28119
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did the affair make you feel? Did you bond with the AP?


Me - Faithful Spouse 44
Him - WS 44
Married - 20 yrs
Together - 25 years
D Day 12/30/09
EA/PA - 18 mos

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." But what truly matters is what *you* think." Dr. Seuss


Posts: 125 | Registered: Apr 2010
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, May 15th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skeptic83:

Question to WWs:
What did the OM have that your H didn't?

At the time of the affair, I was attracted to the following: he was less stressed about life, and about work in particular. He shared some interests with me that my H didn't, that I felt I'd like to experience. Primarily, though, it was that he was an ex with whom I felt there was "unfinished business." Regarding that last part, I fucked up by not letting go of the past and not burying it when I should have.

Do you think your H is capable of satisfying your needs as well as the OM did?

Oh yes. I was a total fool in ever thinking that the OM/ex could give me anything "more" or "better" than what I already had. The things I was attracted to I see now as distasteful and pale in comparison to what I had with my---unfortunately now STBX---H. What an idiot I was. I threw away the best man in the world for basically nothing.

thegreatwife:

How did the affair make you feel?

A combination of things. Excitement and a revival of possibilities, to a certain extent. Also intense shame, guilt, and feelings of making a stupid, foolish decision that I knew would eventually bite me in the ass. Upon my H finding out, it made me so sick---to see the pain I caused my H; to see the lack of remorse or really even any feelings of wrongdoing whatsoever from the OM's perspective; to know that I destroyed my H's life and my own for a sick fantasy that doesn't even come close to the beautiful reality that was my love with my H.

Did you bond with the AP?

Yes---I think only because he was an ex and I had already known him for so long. If he had been an AP that I'd just met, I don't think that would have happened. That bond broke before D-day; I was already "over it" and wanted to get out. Now, my heart toward him is as cold as ice. Sub-zero.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skeptic:
Question to WWs:
What did the OM have that your H didn't? Do you think your H is capable of satisfying your needs as well as the OM did?

There is no easy answer to this very loaded question. And I can only speak for myself. The short answer is:

At the height of the A#2, I was so fucked in the head, I believed the OM#2 was like my H, only more vibrant. Why? Because he made it all about me. It was all about my ego. He made me feel sexy and desirable. I knew little about him, but in my head I turned him into the perfect man, ignoring the red flags.

When I cam to my senses, I realized OM#2 and my H were like night and day, personality-wise. OM#1 had no personality. BH is incredible, funny, etc.

OM#1 was a long time ago, but I do remember thinking he had nothing on my BH, even during the A. It was my neediness for attention, poor boundaries, etc, that led me to sleep with him too.

I know you are probably interested in the sex stuff. My sex life with BH had dropped off dramatically the past 3-4 years. BH says it was because I was not emotionally engaged - I was always tired from work, etc. I completely avoided conflict and almost never brought it up. I thought we were "fine" and was in denial.

I had 1000 opportunities to fix this before having an A. Somehow, it never occurred to me to bring it up. Never occurred to BH either.

So, yes, BH is capable of meeting my needs, emotional, physical. I was just afraid to ask.


Me-41 FWW Him-44BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"The only thing permanent is change." Dr Charles Mayo,1930

Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
AttemptStrength
♀ Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question to WS:

When you finally came out of the fog and told the BS how many times you had sex with the AP did you give them the true number?

Also my H dropped the OW off at the train for her winter break home. He says she asked for sex in the car and he has always said he told her no. I asked why he all the sudden said no. His response was 'I don't know, attack of conscience?' This bothers me and I wonder if he's telling the truth on this part.

Why after his month EA/PA would he suddenly have an attack of conscience the last time he's gonna see her in five weeks?


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1991 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
Aisling
♀ Member
Member # 25848
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What did you need from your BS to help you?

Hi all,

my WH is in a difficult place at the moment. He is deeply ashamed and unable to look at what he's done long enough to begin to understand it. He says he despises himself and he gets v upset when any reference to past behaviour comes up, or when I question his current actions, in terms of whereabouts etc.

We are beginning MC and I have asked him to look for an IC.

We have not discussed what happened in any depth, though he thinks we did. I want a timeline and more details and think the best way forward on this is to draw up a list and let him think about it before responding, instead of asking for little pieces - this makes him feel ambushed.

I have been thinking mostly about myself since I found out, though have protected all we love by not speaking about this to anyone, apart from my best friend and my sister.

I have not actively done anything to address how my WH is feeling, apart from trying to be kind, which is really hard sometimes because I have lost respect for him.

What was most helpful to you when you were beginning to deal with the fallout from your As, and what can I do as a BS to help my WH through his pain?

Love to all,

A xx


Me-BS(39); Him-WS(42)
Together 8 yrs, (were) engaged for July 2010, 2 children (his)
D-Day 12/10/09 - attemped EAs for mths, 1(known)PA
TT til 02/03/2011 - was never faithful
May 2011 - diagnosed SA, in therapy

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A nagging questions about breaking NC:

Ok - so discovering the affair is 1 thing. I'm traumatized, etc., but willing to accept that there were problems in our marriage that made it vulnerable. I accepted the premise that the A was a result of that & that there would be no continuing the A or any other As now that we understood what was missing in our relationship.

So... then I discover 1 month after DDay that ow gave him a phone & they've been in daily contact throughout the day for the 2 weeks prior to that time. Ws tells me that they didn't see each other, he just felt bad that she had transferred from their place of work when she didn't have to (he was supposed to - but she beat him to it) & she was unhappy there & he thought they could be just friends.

At this point, he acknowledges that they could never be just friends & he insists there's been nc since I discovered the phone. (Interestingly tho - he would n't let me listen in on or be present during his conversation ending it with her.)

Anyway - the point is - in the aftermath of DDay - many things are said - what a big mistake it was, I'm scared I'm going to lose you, etc. The things that were said in the 1st week following DDay are the things I try to remember to get through the day sometimes as to my husband's love & newfound commitment to me. So how do I reconcile this with the breach of nc? I just can't stop thinking that all the stuff that he said that helped reassure me was complete bullsh*t if he was talking to her at the same time!
Please shed some light. Thanks!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
diditagn
♀ Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I know the answer to this but wanted ws's opinions.

Most of you who are in R, probably don't hate your BS, but if you ever did why?

I know it shouldn't bother me, as I am divorced moved on etc..but I am trying to wrap my head around why a ws can be so nasty to their bs.

I only ask cause I still have to co parent with ex and am just trying to have a decent co-parenting relationship.

So if you ever "hated" your bs, why? How did you move past that feeling?


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
EmptyCup
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thegreatwife -
How did the affair make you feel? Did you bond with the AP?
Yes, I did. I thought what I was feeling was love. I thought I found a way to finally be happy in my life. It made me feel excited and validated. After d-day, when I had my first epiphany about what it really meant, I felt like my world tilted on its axis. I felt sick and had no idea how I had gotten to that point.

Aisling -
What did you need from your BS to help you?
It's very giving of you to worry about this. At first, I needed some space because as I mentioned above, I was lost. I needed to figure out who I was and what I wanted before I could work on my marriage. But my husband needed me terribly, so it was a very precarious balancing act. I needed him to continue to reassure me that he wanted our marriage and he knew I could be the wife he wanted. I needed us to do fun things together, with our kids and without, so we could start to enjoy ourselves together again. I needed to learn what I needed and what he needed to feel loved.

Allgoodnamesgone -
A nagging questions about breaking NC
After d-day, I stayed in contact with the OM for a little while. I thought I could stay friends with him, but I see now that I was just avoiding the "withdrawal" phase by getting my fix of him. I meant everything I said to my husband about our marriage, but I wanted that fix too. I was cake-eating. It didn't invalidate anything I said to him, but it was cruel. I had absolutely no intention of doing anything but reconciling, but I can see now that my actions didn't match my words.

[This message edited by EmptyCup at 3:10 PM, May 17th (Monday)]


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
feelsempty
♂ Member
Member # 25913
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't found this, So I will ask:(WW had 4month PA)

FWW says she wanted to end affair for about a month or so, but was extorted by OM saying he would tell me and had a collection of proof to show me, so she tried to string him along until she finally got sick of him and broke it off.
Is this a common part of A's with a single person?

He did tell me that very night btw..


BH Me
lost wife her
her 4 Month PA worth years of pain for us?
DDAY 8/16/09
I want you to forsake everything else in the world for me the way you did for him...

Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2009
tennispro4
♀ Member
Member # 27842
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Q for WS's, is this typical WS crazy making or is my WH really trying to tell me he's just not that into me?

WH says he loves me, I am beautiful and an amazing person. But he refuses to end the A and doesn't want to work on the M.

I don't really believe anything he says anymore, but how can he say that he loves me and I'm amazing but still think living in his sister's basement is a better course of action than trying to work on our M?

I know everyone's different, but any WS insights are appreciated.


I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I'll fake it

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Mar 2010
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tennispro4 ~
how can he say that he loves me and I'm amazing but still think living in his sister's basement is a better course of action than trying to work on our M?

Because he's still deep in the fog and hasn't snapped out of it...this is classic avoidance on many levels.....trying to work on the M will force him to face what he's done and who he's become..he'd rather avoid that than deal with it....

he loves me, I am beautiful and an amazing person
IMO, he's saying this to assuage his own guilt....plus, he's trying to hold on to you using this statement...classic cake eating...


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
mickey321
♂ Member
Member # 25725
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm interested to hear responses to this as well.
My FWW pretty much said the same to me. OM was single co-worker. He didn't out her until I contacted him.
FWW says she wanted to end affair for about a month or so, but was extorted by OM saying he would tell me and had a collection of proof to show me, so she tried to string him along until she finally got sick of him and broke it off.
Is this a common part of A's with a single person?

[This message edited by mickey321 at 4:28 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)]


BH 44 Me
WW 39
DS 9 years old
D-Day 03July2009
R - Trying

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Midwest
confusedturmoil
♀ New Member
Member # 27781
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brief background:
My WH lied to me for 3 years (said he had ended A), but especially from Jan-Mar of this year(we dumped OW together and then he was with her within hours!). He has since dumped her and has moved in with his parents. (65days sober/11 days whorefree).
Why all the torturous pain? If the WS really wants his spouse, why all the games? If the WS really wants the OP, why all the games? Why all the blaming and guilt trips? I would think that if a person admits, owns and makes amends for wrong-doing, it should be a good thing, not a drag the BS through hell even more experience.

Yes, I am venting tonight. I am so tired. So done. I don't understand how my H can say he loves me and wants to move back home while at the same time he is blaming and accusing and guilt-tripping me with every other word. I just don't get it. Neither does he, for that matter!


M 19 years
2 young kids (9, 7)
dday #1 - 9/26/07, continued affair thru 2/08
false R thru dday #2 - 1/17/10
false R #2 begun 2/28/10
final dday - 3/14/10, moved out w/kids 5/29/10
filed for divorce 8/10

Posts: 18 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Ohio
2stickinthere
♂ Member
Member # 24439
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 20th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so, i have gotten to the point where there is some ground beneath my feet and actually have very good control of my emotions now. i realize now is the time that i can accept, learn about what my WW did and went throught.

question. what is the best way to get my WW to open up now that i've come to terms with everything and can accept? a big issue has been the whole get over it sceaneraro, but i know all about that stuff. i can tell she feels uncomfortable around me, and when i just try to look in her eyes she usually asks me What!. i think she has alot of guilt and needs to get it off her chest. i know she feels like i must be judging her, but i'm not, i only want to reconnect and move forward. how did your spouces help create a safe and comfortible enough environment to be open and get through the hard admissions? did it only happen thru counciling, or was it something that could happen at home?


Posts: 96 | Registered: Jun 2009
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