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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
thegreatwife
♀ Member
Member # 28119
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF

Yes, my H is stil in EA and he's confusing as heck.
He dotes on me, is that crazy or what? Has jumped through every hoop I asked. Sent me a huge bouquet of flowers when I graduated from a professional program last week. Came to MC last night even though he's in the middle of an enormous work situation that was published in the local paper this morning. He says he would love to come back and reclaim his life but still has strong feelings for OW and cannot wish them away.
Does not want to come home until he can be NC and frankly I respect that, because too much damage has been done. Already planned a date for this weekend even though I was supposed to invite him this time. And lastly, if he does not answer his phone when I call, he has to be sure to tell me where he was, even though I don't ask anymore.
Anyone know what to make of this? Limbo is horrible.
PS. He's also a work-alholic and will be treated for depression.


Me - Faithful Spouse 44
Him - WS 44
Married - 20 yrs
Together - 25 years
D Day 12/30/09
EA/PA - 18 mos

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." But what truly matters is what *you* think." Dr. Seuss


Posts: 125 | Registered: Apr 2010
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's doing what I did to gerrygirl for a few years except not so much on the doting. Kick him in the ass or he will keep you in this place for as long as you let him. Talk to gerrygirl, she'll tell you the same thing, comiserate about the same apprehensions and fears you have right now. I stood the chance of losing gerrygirl last night and this morning because I was holding on, still, 6 months after I told her I was ready to R, 20 months after OW went NC with me. I have no room to talk about what to do, but at the same time I can tell you that he won't change until you do. Change for yourself though, not for him. NC, NC, NC, NC, NC. NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, repeat.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Hurt Terp
♀ Member
Member # 26255
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for the WS's . . .

My WS has had multiple EA's and not realized (accepted) my pain and hurt -- If he had there only would have been one EA or none. My anger is out of control at the moment and my WS is telling me I am the problem -- not his affairs.

I am lost and hurt and am trying to figure out if I am over-reacting.

I recently flew into a hurt rage and brought up that he told me several months ago, when I asked for the truth about everything, that he "m'ed" in the shower (TMI) and thought of the OW. This has really pissed him off that I brought it up. He is telling me that I am crossing boundaries and I need to apologise.

Where are the boundaries when dealing with this? Did I cross it?

I know this post is TMI, but I have no one else to make sense of this for me. I appreciate any help.

[This message edited by Hurt Terp at 11:05 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]


BS - Me
WH - Him
M - 25 years

Too much to take in!!


Posts: 66 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Lost
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt Terp -

that he "m'ed" in the shower (TMI) and thought of the OW.

There is a concept of "mental NC" and a "mental affair". If he is m-ing to thoughts of the OW, that is not maintaining mental NC. And mental NC is required as part of NC. Sure, it could take awhile because the brain thinks about things and there is that withdrawal period... but m-ing to thoughts of the OW... WOW, that totally crosses the line. As soon as that started, he should have stopped that image.

If he keeps doing this, he is still in a mentail affair.

You did not cross any boundaries; he did.

ETA: Anger is a secondary emotion, covering up something else. I believe that he is ashamed of what he did, that is why he is angry at you about it. Maybe if you can get at that gently, he will be more open to it... (I totally understand that it is UNFAIR to you as the BS to have to be the one to tease out the facts.)

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 1:50 PM, May 28th (Friday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
romanticidiot
♂ Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if this has already been asked -- don't have time to read every page.

For WS, especially WW involved with married other men:

Did you talk about your BS with your AP? What did you say? Probably all negative, I guess.


"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
will_I_make_it
♀ Member
Member # 28648
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband did not want to end his affair and was upset when it was exposed. He says it woke him up and that he is done with the affair. If he had to be forced to end the affair due to exposure and was pissed because of it, what are the chances that he truly is done and won't want to rekindle with this person or another?


Married 6/2007
Me = BS/28
Him = WH/39
DD 2/10/10
DD#2 4/24/2010 (same affair)

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2010
GroundZero
♀ Member
Member # 27853
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RI -

I am a fWW who had an A with a married OM. We did talk about our BSs, a lot. On my end it was about half and half positive/negative. My xBH and I were having a lot of problems before I met OM, and at the time I felt as though my OM was my best friend. He talked me through a lot of what was happening at home. I know how messed up that is looking back at it now. I also told him about the good/great/wonderful things my xBH did too - it was not all negative.

He told me a lot about his wife too. Not much negative, mostly just kind of how their relationship lacked spark if anything. I also talked him through how best to support her when she was down. Really.

We really compartmentalized. It was as if our relationship was entirely separate from our marriages. We both justified the affair for different reasons - me because my M was over, but I could not yet D for various reasons (not a reason to have an A, I realize now and the horror and destruction my A wrought is testament to that.). He justified it out of the love he found with me. Again, I know, typical WS drivel, but that's what the thinking was.

So, in our case, yes - we talked a lot about our spouses. Some good, some bad, and a lot delusional.


Out of clutter, find simplicity; out of discord, find harmony; in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. Einstein

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Land of the Sweet Lovely Kiddos
romanticidiot
♂ Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GroundZero -- pretty much what I thought. All OMM have the same excuse - no spark, loveless marriage, blah.

Just curious -- could you elaborate on the "horror and destruction." And are you and you AP still in contact. What happened there?

I'm trying to get a handle on what to expect.


"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

romanticidiot -

For WS, especially WW involved with married other men:

Did you talk about your BS with your AP?

The xOM in my case was single. I did talk a lot about my husband, but it was all positive. As in, "he's such a good person, why am I talking to you???" or "I can't believe I'm doing this, he never did anything bad", or... (thinking) "he treats me like a princess, what's wrong with me?". I can't imagine the affair was very pleasant for the xOM.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RomanticIdiot:

Did you talk about your BS with your AP? What did you say? Probably all negative, I guess.

My affair partner was single, but yes I did talk about my exH and it was almost all positive. I spent the better part of 5 1/2 months telling the OM that my marriage was great, I loved my H, and would never leave him.

The affair was about the affair partner, not about something wrong in my M.

ETA: I second UnexpectedSong: the affair was very unpleasant for the OM. I very distinctly remember one time when I was with the OM and I compared him (negatively) with exH and said, "That's why I'm married to HIM and not YOU." He didn't like that too much.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 9:53 AM, June 1st (Tuesday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1912 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
romanticidiot
♂ Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if that's typical -- single OMs being compared negatively, married OMs being used like marriage counsellors that screw.

Seems like so much is typical in this realm of infidelity, right down to the exact verbiage.


"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
MelisssaZZZ
♀ Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we all know that A are very selfish and all about WS. Therefore the question -

what made you guys realise you were selfish?

and what made you realise that you wanted to change?


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 4yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1199 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MelisssaZZZ,

I have known I was horribly selfish since I was a small child. My infidelity was just a symptom of that ingrained personality trait, not the other way around (i.e. some WSs start cheating and then their selfish bent shows itself through the affair actions---I was this way before, and adultery was a progression/extension).

I kind of vaguely wanted to change all along, but I was never willing to do the hard work required. I was lazy and entitled and thought I could manipulate to get what I wanted without having to change.

My wake-up call was when exH found out about the affair and said he needed a divorce.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1912 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
crushed again
♀ Member
Member # 26138
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sure this has been asked but did any FWS's have the OP 'fishing' and you kept it from your BS? Do you keep it to yourself as way of protecting the BS or are you actually still cake eating and enjoying the fact that there is still someone else out there for you in case R does not turn out?
Thanx in advance for wise SI answers!


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

? for WS and please forgive me for it being long but I need help understanding this..

Background...

My H is back in his A with Co-worker..It started in 2000, last for 6 mos, he threw her under the bus when I found out.

A started again in 2006 and has been off and on ever since..Too many D-days and False R's to count...

It came to a head last weekend and since neither one of us can afford to be on our own with debt and kids right now, we agreed to fix the house up and sell it and move on..

I am not naive as I know my H has deep feelings for her and what she's been thru (she's had cancer 3 times since she started her A with him)..
tells me he never loved me, never wanted to get married and our problems started long before she came on the scene...

But yesterday he said something that I can not get over...
Youngest was home from school and H said he was going to the gym. He didn't get home until noon and youngest was up waiting for him..
I told him I know he didn't go to the gym and he was with OW..and not with his kids..
He said he wasn't going to revolve his life around his kids.

He doesn't answer the phone when they call if he's with her and he comes and goes with no regard to them. Our 20 yr old knows about A but not who--H said he doesn't care what oldest knows....
Please help me understand how someone can put OW ahead of their own flesh and blood...

I am an adult, I can deal with the betrayal but my kids? I don't think I can deal with how he's thinking with regards to them...
He's damaging their relationship and doesn't or won't see that..

[This message edited by LookingforLove at 10:14 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
GroundZero
♀ Member
Member # 27853
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RI -

The horror and destruction...my xBH found out about the affair and threatened to expose to OM's wife. So we start with the significant heartbreak to both of our spouses. Then my xBH had huge rage issues that, fair or not, went a long way toward putting the final nail in the coffin for our marriage. All hope for the M disappeared when I feared for my physical safety.

My xBH started showing up at my job and screaming at me. I was on thin ice with my boss because of that and because I had an incredibly difficult time concentrating on my work after D-Day. Then the OM told his wife he loved me and was torn about whether to stay or go. Shortly after that someone - my xBH? his BW? someone else? reported the A to my boss (we were colleagues). I lost my job.

Although we were already divorcing, the knowledge of the A made it much more ugly. My kids suffered because of it. Of course, his marriage was in tatters with the betrayal and the fact that he told her he loved me. Both of our careers faltered with the exposure and I lost my job. So yeah, at the end of it all (though all not entirely attributable to the D) I had lost my home, my marriage, significant time with my children, my job, some friends, and ultimately yes, my AP. (And that's not to mention my self-respect, mental health etc.) Hence, my username.

In response to the question about the AP, we did go underground for several months. The relationship has now ended, though he do run in the same social circles so I do see him and his BW (who knows who I am) occasionally. We are all pleasant to each other, which I am sure is hardest for her. My xBH would probably kill OM if he ever ran across him (I am not overstating that), but since our D, xBH has moved away.

Not sure if there are similarities between my situation and what you are facing, but let me know if you want to know more.


Out of clutter, find simplicity; out of discord, find harmony; in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. Einstein

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Land of the Sweet Lovely Kiddos
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MelissaZZZ -

what made you guys realise you were selfish?

I don't understand this question. No one starts an affair without realizing that he or she is selfish. No one has an affair unknowingly!

and what made you realise that you wanted to change?

I don't want to change. I am still all about me. I want to be the best me I can be.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crushed again -

did any FWS's have the OP 'fishing' and you kept it from your BS? Do you keep it to yourself as way of protecting the BS or are you actually still cake eating and enjoying the fact that there is still someone else out there for you in case R does not turn out?

Neither. I was terrified of telling my H.

I never wanted the xOM long-term. If I were single, he would have been a ONS or two. The affair wasn't really about him.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Nicki519
♀ Member
Member # 26311
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little back ground. I'm almost 1yr from 2nd d-day. WH and I are R, and things have been going very good.

One of our biggest problems in our M was our lack of communication, and we both do agree with that. WH and I have been working on the communication, and talking more than we ever have in the 14yrs we've been together.

I know WH told MOW a lot of things about our life. Some true, some not so true. I know WH shared his deep dark secrets with MOW, and also shared his fantasies with MOW. WH has never shared any of this with me, and I don't think he ever will. This is one thing that I do believe MOW has taken from me. I told WH all this, and he tells me not to think that MOW took all this away from me. And one day WH will be comfortable enough to tell me these secrets and fantasies of his. Knowing him the way I do I know that day will never come.

My question: Did any WS share secrets, fantasies, or anything with the OP that you have never shared with your BS? If so, why is it easier for you to share things with the OP and not your BS?


BS, Me, 41
WH, 41
Married 12yrs, Together 17yrs
D-day #1 May 25, 2009
D-day #2 June 21, 2009
8 yr old Son
19 yr old Step Daughter
In Recovery

Posts: 226 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: The South
romanticidiot
♂ Member
Member # 28655
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the response, GroundZero.

Your situation sounds somewhat similar. Now I have a lot of questions. Sorry if you've already answered them... I just need to type.

1) How long did the affair go on?
2) How long did your xBH suspect? How did he express his suspicion and how did you react?
3) How were you exposed?
4) Did you love your xBH while the affair was going on? If he had reacted differently (stupid, I know, but hypothetically), do you think reconciliation would have been possible?
5) (Sorry, but I have to ask...) How was the sex with MOW compared with xBH?
6) Has xBH gotten over it and moved on or has it scarred him too deeply? Ditto you.

Sorry again if you've already answered. My head is spinning. I can forgive my WW if she is willing to come clean with me and address the underlying issues that led her to do this. Just trying to prepare. It seems like these things follow a script and I would like to deviate from yours (i.e., play it cool, R if possible, help her heal).

Thanks.


"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
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