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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
BaxtersBFF
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Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dismantled,

With all these factors in place about the compulsion (for lack of a better word) to lie, what made you stop? What brought you to come completely clean, strip it bare, put the cards all on the table and just see what happens? How did it feel to do that? Do you think that your willingness to do so has affected your R- and in which way?

As I was answering these questions I realized that I was sounding like I was answering for all WS. I am not. This is just my opinion/process of how I got to the point of final truth.

It was a combination of things. For the most part, I don't think most WS just step out of the fog. It is more that it is thick and may take a while for the sun to burn it off. Even then, weather conditions may change and the fog could stick around for another couple days. As the end of the fog approaches, realization starts dawning and for many of us that realization is, initially, what we have done and how it goes against our values and moral code (makes me sound very self-righteous...). This is the stage of trying to figure out why. As the why is being figured out, the realization of what we have done to our spouses and our families comes to light. All the while we are learning that the A and the AP weren't real. Then it is a final hurdle of accepting that we really f**ked up and getting over the fear of telling all. At some point it isn't our choice anymore and it becomes our BS choice to stay or go based on what we tell them. And that decision can't be made truthfully unless all the information is out there.

I personally think that the action of ending TT by a WS is one of the most important things to really get R going. I also think it is one of the biggest leaps of faith a WS can take. We know we should do it, but we don't know where we will land. Not many people can take a leap of faith. I don't think that makes us brave or anything either. It is something that we have to do because of the choices we made.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6054 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostatSea -

I have flirted but never crossed to cheating again.

What does "cheating" mean to you? Do you consider only physical cheating to be cheating? What do you mean by "flirting"?

Is your WH counting all those "flirting" incidents as affairs?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
icbtih8
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Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the many ways WH was cheating on me was by talking to his "friends" in an inappropriate manner, very inappropriate flirting. He would tell them that they were the only women he thought about. how he wanted to take them on trips with him. he would call them "my love" . Half of them lived far enough that there would be no way to physically hook up with them. I know there was cybersex with at least one of them, but I don't know if he cybered with any of the other ones. He says no.

I asked him what he got out of it but he couldn't verbalize it. All he told me was that it felt good to say those things and then have them respond positively. I asked him if it was the idea of "conquest" and he said no. I asked him if he got some kind of validation as a man, and he said no. He basically said that I couldn't understand because I don't have that mindset. Well, he is right that I don't have that mindset, but if he can't explain it to me in layman's terms, then I have no way of understanding it.

What could he possibly get out of these interactions? Maybe we can try to figure out together what he got out of it since he can't seem to verbalize it to me.

TIA

[This message edited by icbtih8 at 1:35 PM, February 25th (Thursday)]


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
LostatSea4
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Member # 21497
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does "cheating" mean to you? Do you consider only physical cheating to be cheating? What do you mean by "flirting"?

Is your WH counting all those "flirting" incidents as affairs?

No, back in my 20's, I'd smile and "flirt", overly friendly but nothing that hinted I wanted to sleep with anyone and WS was with me when I did flirt.

Now in my 40's, I realize it was stupid but at the time I can honestly say I loved the attention.

No, he's not counting the flirting as affairs but he is wondering if I slept with any I flirted with which I did not.

[This message edited by LostatSea4 at 2:48 PM, February 25th (Thursday)]


R takes not one but two!
BS-me WS-him
Too many to talk about.

Posts: 992 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: SE
reset button
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Member # 27659
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posted this on Works with AP thread, but would like WS input on my situation:

My WW had a 9 mo. EA/PA with her boss. She works very closely with him and traveled often with him (that's part of how this mess happened).
After a couple of trickle DDays a couple months back (only admitting EA), a week ago she came 100% clean on the length and extent of the 9 mos. EA/PA (much worse than I ever expected)

She also established NC last Thursday except only business related discussion and she started IC this week. She has been honest about their interaction, saying that they did kiss again Friday after she tried to fight him off a couple of times but couldn't hold off her emotion.

This week had been good according to her (only limited business discussion), but when she came home today she said she talked with him on a personal level about his family for a couple of minutes.

I am so happy she is being honest with me, but it hurts so bad. I don't see anyway R can happen without her changing jobs. She is incredibly successful in her career, and it's probably the only thing she can be proud of right now.

I truly believe she is trying her best, but she admitted she still loves him. She said, though she knows it's wrong and she wants to do the right thing to start healing herself. I truly believe her, but I don't think she will be strong enough.

So my questions:
1) Is there really anyway to start R if he is still in her day to day life at work?

2) How do I deal with rewarding her honesty, when what she tells me makes me want to

3) Has your WS ever tried to work with the AP for a while before finally resigning to the fact that it can't happen?

I think she's made huge strides, but since the affair didn't end a natural death (I busted her and told her I was leaving) I don't think there is a future.


Me: BH (30)
Her: WW (29)
AP: Her 42 yr old boss
9 Mos. EA/PA
Married: 3 yrs
Together: 7 yrs

DDay 1: 11/21/09 (ILYBINILWY)
DDay 2: 2/18/10 - Full disclosure of EA/PA

Divorced (my choice) 10/8/10


Posts: 60 | Registered: Feb 2010
reset button
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Member # 27659
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess a followup to my previous post would be to ask how foggy is she still?

I think a good amount of fog has lifted with mw WW's transparency, going to IC, NC, and confession. The fact is it was a forced confession, with evidence, and it was a week ago. I still truly think she wants to do the right thing, just don't know if she can.

Can the fog lift if she still sees him everyday despite her making such a conscious effort to break free or will she fall deeper in again?


Me: BH (30)
Her: WW (29)
AP: Her 42 yr old boss
9 Mos. EA/PA
Married: 3 yrs
Together: 7 yrs

DDay 1: 11/21/09 (ILYBINILWY)
DDay 2: 2/18/10 - Full disclosure of EA/PA

Divorced (my choice) 10/8/10


Posts: 60 | Registered: Feb 2010
HUFI-PUFI
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Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken30 - So when you decide your going to lay it out, all of it, painful, sordid details that your BS is begging for, how much do you leave out? If it's to save face, feelings, torture (to either person). The FULL fledged truth? Do I need to look forward to another DD, is it possible he gave me Everything? Does a WS ever really tell all, even when they claim they are? The full truth (so he says) just has me more confused & lost.

In a response to worthitall yesterday on the issue of lying and TT, I wrote that telling the truth was important, not only to answer the BS questions but also because in doing so, it provides healing for the WS.

After I wrote that reply, I continued to write an email to my wife (on the other side of the planet) answering her question of how often and to what degree I fantasized over the xgf for the past 33 years.

Like I said, Iím trying to face the monster that I became head on and so, I answered the question truthfully and honestly. In actual fact, I had thought about minimizing the answer from daily and weekly to a monthly and yearly but I was honest and told the truth.

Well, about 1 hour ago, I got off a 2 hour Skype chat with my wife and sat there with my head between my hands wishing that I had lied instead.

Thereís no need to get into details but suffice to say, it did not go over well. She expressed the fact that the truth hurt more so than she could imagine and as she said that with tears flowing from her eyes, devastated by the revelations, all I could think about was how stupid I was to tell her the details that just create more pain.

I wondered if it really would have hurt her if I would have just minimized the numbers. In the name of being truthful, did she really have to be hammered with the truth? Perhaps a little white lie would have sufficed?

All I know is that every time this seems to happen, it makes it more likely to a certain degree to make me reconsider the whole truth, nothing but the truth the next time around.

I guess with the distance between us and the limited face to face, perhaps we get more breathing room and time to reflect on what is said and done but itís not a bullet proof vest ... each time that I confess more, I fear that she will take one of those confessions, one of those clarifications as being the last straw and call it quits. When you face that fear head on, it seems to make lying something insignificant.

Today I had to remind her of the warning that is found in the Not Just Friends book. Think twice sometimes when asking for details, after all, once you heard the truth, you canít ignore it anymore. Once the words are confessed, there is no sticking them back into the bottle and ignoring the truth because itís hateful to hear.

So ... itís not always a matter of telling the truth, sometimes, itís a matter of wanting to hear the truth.
Has your spouse told you everything? Itís possible but there are always details and things that are not said even in the best written time line and that one day, perhaps might become the topic of discussion. If he forgets to tell you of the 6th lunch date as compared to the 5 that he told you about, perhaps itís because he is still ashamed to tell of that particular lunch for some strange reason. I think there is a difference between lying and forgetting. A difference between telling the truth and revealing each and every sordid detail. There is a difference between deliberate lying to hide the truth and lying to minimize the pain that you will experience. Itís not right, but itís a reality in the head of the WS at times.

Let me close off with one last quote that might help clarify matters about truth, about memories and the ability to link the two items.

The mind of a WS is a very sordid, confused place during the preamble, main body, and post mortem of an A. Don't give us too much credit for rational thought - unknown poster -

HUFI

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 11:03 PM, February 25th (Thursday)]


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3218 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
painpaingoaway
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Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, February 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To those of you FWS's:

Looking back on your affair... Do you view your affair partner as a 'disgusting' human being?

Now, I know, at some point you have probably viewed yourself as a disgusting human being, and the affair as a 'disgusting' act, but is your memory of the OP that they were a 'disgusting' person?


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
movinonup
♀ Member
Member # 20176
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is for WSs who had a PA. My FWH states that he only had sex 2xs and that he didn't enjoy the sex at all. I have a hard time believing that he didn't enjoy it. He stated that he never really wanted the relationship to be sexual. He just enjoyed the kissing and ego stroking. I have a hard time believing that as well. I have experienced so much trickle truth and down playing that I just don't know.

I fear he only says he didn't enjoy it because he thinks it is easier for me to handle. It's easier for him to admit too.

Have any of you not enjoyed the sexual experiences with the OP?


BW-Me,
FWH-friendlyghost.
3 DDays from 10/07 to 7/08 5 month A Married 11, together14, 3 children.
IN R! We will rise again. We will be stronger. No matter how dark life gets, we still have decisions. We can take out a flashlight to lead the way.

Posts: 704 | Registered: Jul 2008
UnexpectedSong
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Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, February 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pain -

Do you view your affair partner as a 'disgusting' human being?

No. I don't think of him really. If I do, it's with sadness. I view myself as disgusting, but he's just someone who... happened to cross my path.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
EmptyCup
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Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, February 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back on your affair... Do you view your affair partner as a 'disgusting' human being?

I think of him as someone who was probably just as broken as I was. Flawed, selfish, some bad traits I can see now but didn't then, but not disgusting. The idea of being with him or interacting with him in any way disgusts me, though.


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
EmptyCup
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Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, February 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you not enjoyed the sexual experiences with the OP?

We never had sex, although we did kiss, and I was surprised to find out I didn't enjoy it that much. I think what I really enjoyed was the fantasy of it.


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
BaxtersBFF
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Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

icbtih8,

What could he possibly get out of these interactions? Maybe we can try to figure out together what he got out of it since he can't seem to verbalize it to me.
I'll give it a shot, but your WH response is at least partly true.
All he told me was that it felt good to say those things and then have them respond positively.
I used that line...that the OW responded to me positively and I defended it by believing that my BW hadn't done that, was incapable of doing that, for about 12 years prior to the A.

For me, the pre-A situation was that BW and I weren't doing anything for each other. Things got bad enough to where I withdrew. I started thinking about D before the A started. Part of the reason I chose to have the A was that I was starving and the OW was giving me food that my BW hadn't given me in years. My love languages are quality time and words of affirmation. My BW is physical touch. Neither of us were giving each other those things. To my utter regret, instead of turning to my BW and working on the pre-A problems, I chose to have an A.

So I guess what I am saying is that what he may have received from the OW was what he felt he needed, to fulfill what was empty inside him, and that is was easy, hardly any work involved, no reality to deal with, only experiencing the "good" side of a relationship. Since most A's are not reality but feel like reality at the time, WS don't realize that they are only receiving the "good" stuff. It can't be sustained though, and when reality does hit, we are left wondering how in the hell we could have done that. Then we start realizing that our needs are developed to compensate for our weaknesses, or our hurts, the things we don't deal with and put away in the deep parts of our minds and hearts. When we reach the end of our rope, these needs come to the surface and that is where the A's happen.

I am sorry to associate the word "good" with an A, but that is as simple as it can be stated.

Obviously this isn't the situation for everyone. Maybe it only fits me. But like I said at first, I'll give it a shot.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6054 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
movinonup
♀ Member
Member # 20176
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks EmptyCup. My Fwh did enjoy kissing her though. He did say she kissed weird though. That she was aggressive. My FWH starting kissing me differently as a result. He was more aggressive and less sweet.
I just don't know what to believe anymore.


BW-Me,
FWH-friendlyghost.
3 DDays from 10/07 to 7/08 5 month A Married 11, together14, 3 children.
IN R! We will rise again. We will be stronger. No matter how dark life gets, we still have decisions. We can take out a flashlight to lead the way.

Posts: 704 | Registered: Jul 2008
hope4better
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Member # 14919
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The question was asked if "once a cheater, always a cheater" was true. One poster said

"So, like leftoolate says, look at your own WS. Look at him hard. Is he remorseful? Is he addressing his faults and his boundaries and himself? Was this a one off or a habit already? Only you really know these answers well enough to make the call."

Well what if you are no longer together? The only thing I can say with certainty is that cheating apparently was a habit with my x during our relationship (I just wasn't aware initially). My x is with his OW#4 and has been for 5 years now. They live together and have a child now. They appear to be happy or at least content. It is my hope that he WILL cheat on her because then I won't feel like it was me or my fault.

I have snooped and such and have found nothing to confirm he has cheated on her since she was pregnant with their child back in 07.

So now I'm thinking, maybe he has changed. Is it that simple for some waywards? You find the "right" person (after numerous affairs) and you just stop cheating and the partner in crime (ow/om) now gets the "faithfulness" that the spouse should have gotten and deserved.

I know I shouldn't care and need to let it go but it is very hard even after being D for almost 3years. The unjust of it is eating away at my soul.

[This message edited by hope4better at 3:51 AM, March 1st (Monday)]


Me: BW-35
Him: WH-35
Kids: 13 and 2yrs (both kids are his)
DDay #1: Summer of 1998 (ow#1)
DDay #2: Summer of 2003 (ow#2)
DDay #3: Summer of 2004 (ow#3)
DDay #4: Summer of 2005 (ow#4 21yr old) He kept this one
Married: 6yrs Divorced: 2007

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: midwest
PiQue
♀ Member
Member # 17575
Question  Posted: 6:19 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has been taking baby steps for the past month and a half, consistently. In early January I was ready to throw in the towel. Then he started giving me hope. Again. He even answered some of my questions about the A, and responded positively to my rare trigger.

I asked him the other day if he had kept anything sacred just between he and I. His response was,
"Lots of things. Never talked about you."
Which was a lie. I reminded him of all the things I knew they had done together. And of some of his words, and mine, that OW threw back in my face on a couple of occasions. I tried to just present the evidence as facts, not flaming or accusatory. I tried to explain how that made me feel. I asked him to 'run toward me, not away from me' when things like this come up so we can sort them out together, purge them.

He hasn't spoken to me since, no response to texts, phone calls, emails.

When I am seeing positive steps on his part, should I just keep my big mouth shut?

I feel like, and have told him, all the fallout from the A is like a festering abscess. Nice words and positive gestures are beneficial, but don't get the poison out. I'm responsible for much of my own healing, but he is the only one with the capability of lancing the abscess, cleaning it out, and giving me the best chance of healing more quickly. He agreed with this analogy.

And now he turns his back on me, again, when I need him most.


Me/BW 50+
Him/WH 60+ Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
icbtih8
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Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks Baxter. you've given me a lot to think about.

both our love languages is words of affirmation. i really did give him plenty of loving, affirming words. however, when he said he started talking to them, he had already cheated and was deep in fantasy land. based on other things he told me, it seems like he thought i did loving acts out of obligation or for some alterior motive. or at least he justified himself that way. i guess that all my words were falling on deaf ears.

he also said that he felt i was putting him on a pedestal. as someone whose love language is words of affirmation, what kind of balance do you think there should be between too little and too much?


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
SouthernGal
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Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A convoluted questions for WS's:

The other night I came to a major realization. I was playing some music while I was studying and the song, "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Paul McCartney came on. Now about a year and a half ago (in the midst of the LTA) I was sitting at my computer and FWH sent me a MP3 file of this song and asked me to play it, so that even though we weren't together we could listen to it together. I thought that was a ridiculously romantic gesture and I have treasured both the song and the memory since. After I found out about the affair I felt like every single good memory of the time they were together was irrevocably tainted. That I had, in essence, lost 2 years of my life.

But it occurred to me. He never left. Yes, he had an affair and he was massively dishonest for a very long time. But something kept him here. He never left. He even said once, when I asked him why, "I loved you. But I didn't like you."

So on some level he loved me enough to stay and to still make gestures that he didn't have to make.

Rather than consign two years of my life to the rubbish bin, I am choosing to still cherish those memories where I believe he was, on some level, still trying to keep our marriage alive. Not the daily things that I now see for the empty "going through the motions to keep the wife from getting suspicious" things - but those things that were significantly different.

Other BS's have told me that I am essentially stupid to believe that he loved me during the A. That holding on to good memories from that time is a bad idea. Essentially that I should always choose to believe the worst.

I don't agree. I am choosing my marriage. I am choosing forgiveness. I am choosing to, on this one thing, believe that he has always loved me and that his feelings for OW were an ego stroke and a selfish way of getting needs filled that I was not filling.

I am choosing not to let her have two years of my life.

It may not be the right path for everyone - but if I am going to give true reconciliation a chance, for me, I must choose to accept that his feelings and actions toward me were, at times, genuine.

To believe otherwise would, for me, imply that he never loved me and thus he cannot truly love me now.

To choose to believe that would be to undermine everything that we are trying to do.

As I said, I know I may be hopelessly naive. But honestly, I would rather choose to hold on to some good memories from those two years than to lose them completely. I would rather find a way to see some good than hold on to that much anger.

I just cannot be that angry and reconcile my marriage at the same time.

Something has to go. For me, I choose to let go of the anger.

But I want to know from WS's, particularly those who are trying to R with their BS ... Am I being stupidly naive?

Is it, theoretically possible that his affair had nothing to do with loving or not loving me and everything to do with a selfish desire to get his "needs" met and not having the guts to work through the issues that were keeping us from filling one another's needs?


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SouthernGal - But I want to know from WS's, particularly those who are trying to R with their BS ... Am I being stupidly naive? Is it, theoretically possible that his affair had nothing to do with loving or not loving me and everything to do with a selfish desire to get his "needs" met and not having the guts to work through the issues that were keeping us from filling one another's needs?


The simplest answer is yes. It can be and it may be the truth in your situation. If there is one thing that this A has taught me is that we are not the masters of our hearts, minds and souls as we so proudly think it to be.

Wisdom from Dobler33 - People have affairs for myriad and varying reasons. Some are far sleazier than others, but the consequences are always the same.

I wrote this about my affair on a post one time and it still rings true today.

HUFI - I'm the WS in my affair and I know for 100% that my BS was not at fault for my decision (or lack of one in actual fact) for my having an EA affair. As Owl and others argue, this is solely a unilateral decision and no fault can be assigned to my spouse. There was no lack of emotional connection, no lack of passion, no lack of sex or lack of anything. We had a great and good marriage for 23 years. I had volunteered for a lifetime of ďforsake all others" with her 23 years before and in fact, in the week before the A started, I would have sworn on a stack of bibles that I still firmly believed in those vows. Hell, in recent weeks, I am starting to learn that my own heart and mind are not always my best friend either as I try to peel away the onion of intertwined thoughts, actions, emotions, fears, passions and destructive behaviors that brought me to this affair.

So, what was in his heart and soul when he had the affair?

Only he knows truly but from my perspective, I truly do believe affairs can occur that have nothing to do with loving/not loving the BS and that they are more about the failures within the WS than anything else.

HUFI

I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings - Elie Wiesel


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3218 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
SouthernGal
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Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, HUFI.

I am choosing to believe my FWH and his explanations of where he was (mentally) then and where he is (mentally) now. I believe that circumstances have changed and I believe that he can change, because I know that I have changed.

Sometimes I fear that BS's (generalization follows) are often too caught up in the idea of making the WS "pay" or "suffer." And often we encourage one another not so much to heal as to hold on to past hurts,

Yes, being wary and mistrustful immediately after an A is a good, and necessary, step.

But at some point, for those who truly desire to R you must extend some trust.

In this I choose to trust my FWH because I fear that if I do not, I will never be able to let go of the hurt and truly begin to forgive and to heal.

Thank you again, for your perspective.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
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