Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
MelisssaZZZ
♀ Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the responses!

I guess what has been adding to the difficulties is that he is classic passive agressive man..

Also, what throws me off - he has now started to check out his previousr affair partner. This is of the A he had when he was with his xgf (before we met and around 9 years ago).. Why would he do this?

he had a short A with her while with his exgf.. exgf and he split up 2 years after the A ended / was discovered. After split he looked up the A partner and tried to date.. hmm guess what the dating was over within a week... why is he looking her up now?

Many thanks and apologies if this is too complicated!!!

[This message edited by MelisssaZZZ at 4:39 AM, July 9th (Friday)]


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 4yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1199 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

floridaredman- So are you saying its possible it was just fun? If thats the case, isn't it more likely he'd do it again?

Dallas2,

It is quite possible he did it for the forbidden excitement of it, only he knows the true answer. He could be minimizing also.

He could do it again, that is always possible. he has to have true remorse not to. It comes down to whether he is remorseful for hurting you or regretful for being caught.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2412 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
MollyJo
♀ Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 11th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am absolutely sure that this has been asked a million times, but..

what in God's name leads men to blow the best thing in their lives for a little strange? It's not in dispute that i am the best thing that ever happened to him...or that he KNEW that having sex with someone else was a deal killer for me...or that he did it anyway.

I literally want to throw up every time i think about the whole package of things he took away from me, as well as gave up himself, all for the ego boost of sex with someone else?. and he absolutely can't explain it. We weren't having problems, he was deeply in love with me, the AP is someone who he KNEW was going to tell...what leads you guys to throw away great, deep things for shallow, meaningless sex?


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
PrettyWings
♀ Member
Member # 25305
Question  Posted: 8:38 PM, July 11th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, but I have a lot of questions for any WSs. When you went no contact, how did you feel about that decision? How did you feel about the OP? How did you feel about your BS? What was your outlook about the ability of your relationship to survive it? Were you confused about whether you wanted to be with your BS, OP or alone? Emotionally, was there anything your BS did or could have done that would have helped you along?

I'm just curious to get some other opinions.

Thank you in advance.


Me - BGF - 30
Her - WGF - 30
D-Day - Apr. 28 2009; TT for months

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.


Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 9:30 PM, July 11th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PrettyWings...

Many of your questions can be answered already in this thread, please take the time to read the whole thing.

And also reading in the Healing Library under the BS Questions for WS's link.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192147 | Registered: May 2002
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mollyjo,

1. Lack of good boundaries

2. No strong sense of family and putting them first

3.immature and irresponsible and failing to acknowledge that he must love his wife and children so much that he is willing to give his life for them

4. pure selfishness, conflict avoidance and passive aggressiveness.


5. Thinking with the wrong anatomy and not being wise enough to know the difference.

Many "reasons", none of them valid because none of them will pacify the question of why. However the common denominator is flawed character.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2412 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Hurt&Angry
♂ Member
Member # 24528
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW immediatly started accusing me of having an affair with a co-worker right after DDay.She came to my office after hours to rummage through our emails. Of course nothing could be further from the truth.
My question is did any of you FWS's attempt this to cool the heat off of you? My wife has never come clean about her affair. She has become the "perfect" wife since DDay as she was scared out of her mind. Still hasn't mended my heart though. I guess for her to have an affair, lie about it, then try & accuse me of such, has just made me see her in a whole different light all the way around.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From:
Wayward_Angel
♀ Member
Member # 28452
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is did any of you FWS's attempt this to cool the heat off of you
?

it had nothing to dow ith the heat on me, I wasn't trying to turn the focus, it was a paranoia, that if I could do it, he might. the terror that filled my heart in think I had driven him to such horrible acts :
I know and always knew in my heart it wasn't true, but it's kind of a way of dealing with what we've done. Unfortunaley you can't MAKE her heal you, it wouldn't be the same, you will have to decide if you are willing tow ait for her to come out of the fog or not I guess (not official advice, just IMO)


Dday 4/21/2010
Me: WS 25
Him: BS 30

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Dallas, TX
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty Wings, in answer to your questions:

When you went no contact, how did you feel about that decision?

Very, very sad--yet when I finally made that decision & stuck with it I was resolved. It had to be done for everyone's sake to move on and begin healing. What we had been doing up to that point had not been working, I was staying emotionally stuck. I eventually left my workplace.


How did you feel about the OP?

I cared about him deeply, we had been friends for several years before the A. At the same time I was angry with him and myself for what had happened.

How did you feel about your BS?

Confused.

What was your outlook about the ability of your relationship to survive it?

I wasn't sure we would make it, and I wasn't sure I wanted us to. My head was clouded by other things-even pre-A, I wasn't sure my marriage was going to continue or if I wanted it to. I was considering leaving to pursue my own work related goals and dreams.

Were you confused about whether you wanted to be with your BS, OP or alone?

Yes. I knew that I didn't want to be with the OP (he had discussed marriage once if we divorced our spouses and I felt myself getting physically sick). We would not have been compatible because we did not have compatible values and goals--OP was very tied to his family, wanted children and the white picket fence--and I was quite opposite. I was looking in my goals and dreams at a lifestyle that was actually quite opposite. I was not sure that I wanted to continue in my marriage either. I very seriously thought about being on my own.

Emotionally, was there anything your BS did or could have done that would have helped you along?

No. I had to go through this process on my own. The A was not about my BS, it was about me and what I had to figure out in my own life. My BS did exactly what I needed--he listened, he didn't judge, he didn't try to force rules/choices on me. He let me make mine and made his own. He kept living his own life and doing his own things whileI worked on my stuff. He told me point blank he wasn't going to stop living his life while I tried to figure my stuff out. That was probably the best thing he could have done. The only thing I wish he would have done differently was confronted me more strongly & pointed out that I was getting too close to FOM when I mentioned him too much pre-A, I think I was in over my head before I ever realized it--truly. I don't think that would happen today. Would I have listened to him then, though--probalby not. Probably would have pooh poohed him & said no way, nothing like that would ever happen. And I would have believed it.

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
PrettyWings
♀ Member
Member # 25305
Helpless  Posted: 8:49 PM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kwills,

Thank you so much for your responses. I appreciate your insight and your honesty. It was really helpful. I hope others also respond, even if it is repetitious.

She decided she needed to go find herself so she's leaving anyway. I know, however, that she just chose to break no contact and speak to the OW anyway so she's not worth my time anymore.

Just because she has broken no contact and chooses to leave, doesn't mean I don't want to hear anybody else's responses. So, with that being said, please keep 'em coming.


Me - BGF - 30
Her - WGF - 30
D-Day - Apr. 28 2009; TT for months

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.


Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PrettyWings,

When you went no contact, how did you feel about that decision?
OW went NC with me and I was devestated. Much later, and only a couple months ago, I finally went NC with OW. That hurt and was a little scary, but it is what had to finally happen in order for R to really occur.
How did you feel about the OP?
I thought OW was the answer to all the problems I was having. She just added to them, or more accurately, because of my choice, I ended up with more problems.
How did you feel about your BS?
I intentionally stopped loving my BW prior to the A. I resented BW during the A for not seeing things my way, for not D'ing me. (I know the myriad prolems with this now...)
What was your outlook about the ability of your relationship to survive it?
Which relationship. The M? I didn't expect it to survive. I still have trouble understanding how it has survived. Any potential relationship with OW? I thought that we had a shot despite the odds. I knew there were no promises. Just look at how things started. It is unlikely that it would have lasted.
Were you confused about whether you wanted to be with your BS, OP or alone?
Yes, very confused. Ran the gambit from wanting to be with OW, to wanting to be with BW, to wanting to be alone forever. But, my sitch was that I stopped loving my BW before the A, so that played a huge part in the confusion.
Emotionally, was there anything your BS did or could have done that would have helped you along?
No. Not emotionally. I wouldn't ler her help me. I resented that she was trying to help me. The only thing that finally made me realize what was at stake was when BW packed a bag.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
srb1608
♀ Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWS says that looking back now he realizes the actual "thrill" wasnt about the OW. It wasnt about the attraction to them but more about the excitement of doing the forbidden. That looking back now at the person he sees them as not even attractive or pleasant as a person.

Is this possible for someone? H threw this OP under the bus at dday.


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have 3 questions for WS's...

After the fog was over, if you continued to TT and waffle on the facts of the A, how long did you do this?

Why did you stop?

What can a BS do to make it more likely for the WS to share honestly?

Having some serious issues with this right now.

[This message edited by Fighting2Survive at 4:01 PM, July 15th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
EmptyCup
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWS says that looking back now he realizes the actual "thrill" wasnt about the OW. It wasnt about the attraction to them but more about the excitement of doing the forbidden. That looking back now at the person he sees them as not even attractive or pleasant as a person.

Is this possible for someone? H threw this OP under the bus at dday.

I can tell you that for me, it wasn't about the OM as much as it was about me. I found him attractive because he was feeding me the validation that made me feel good. I thought he was a great friend. I thought what we had together was special. All those things were wrong and once I was out of the fog I understood that.

Looking back at him now I see him quite differently, as someone who was using me to get what he wanted and was anything but a friend to me. I see a broken, screwed up man. Of course, I was the same to him. I see nothing attractive or interesting there at all now!


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
srb1608
♀ Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Empty, that is how he says it is. Like there is no lingering pull towards her. Like he can see her and feel nothing or at the least disgust for what he is done.
Ofcourse - what i imagine is that he is like a starving dog trying its best to stay away from a bone. I just torture myself. I guess i cant see how what can once be so appealing can now be repulsive.
Thanks for the answer. I guess it is possible he is telling me his true feelings.


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

srb -

I guess i cant see how what can once be so appealing can now be repulsive

You don't have any ex-boyfriends that you don't care for anymore?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
srb1608
♀ Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected - oh yep. But it has been over 16 years since i have been with them! So there is definetly no appeal now - heck i forgot some of there names!


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Srb - but even if it's not now, didn't you get over some of those exes pretty fast? Especially the ones that you said disgustedly to yourself "what did I ever see in him?"

Add in the fact that an affair relationship is less than a "normal" relationship, that it's the WS being stupid, etc. Do you really think it's not possible that one can get past someone and wonder what was in their mind???


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
srb1608
♀ Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 15th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again unexpected. I guess i am just self torturing myself by thinking they have to have left a wonderful lasting impression to risk lossing so much. But i know from experience the "what was i thinking " thing. So i guess i can see it.

I really think i hang on to so much baggage to protect myself. Scared to let go i guess.

Thanks so much!


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 17th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize that us BS tend to use this forum to ask you all to act as mind readers or as a sounding board/bullshit monitor to analyze some of the things that our WS say, so at the outset, I recognize the ridiculousness of even asking - I know everyone is different, but I'm asking out of sheer frustration:

We are almost a year out. My H & I have reconciled from D-Day, there have been some bumps in the road as far as my H's behavior - but I'd have to say the last 3 months have been consistently good.

My H has been going to IC since March, but I honestly don't know what the agenda there is. IC was also our MC, so I've met with him alone & with my H a few times, and the IC indicates that my H "doesn't get it" (I agree). And, from speaking with my H, I get the impression that they use the time in IC to report what's happened in the previous week & discuss ideas on how to make things better - like being transparent.
I don't think any soul searching is going on & my conversation with my H last night pretty much confirmed that.
My H has never been one to openly share his feelings or be comfortable discussing my feelings. He'll listen to me, but contribute little insight.
Anyway, he basically said last night that there was no deep reason for the A (1 1/2 years with a single coworker which only stopped because I caught them - they were otherwise happy, no fights)it was just sex. He says he wasn't getting enough sex at home (true) and sex with OW was available with "no strings attached" (though they said they loved each other & he believes she was not with anyone else during the A). When I pointed out that the compulsive-like calling & texting indicated that it was not "just sex" he said they were also friends.
So - what do y'all make of this?
Can it be this simple?
And, if not, how dangerous is it to just work on our M without him "getting it" in this way. (Dangerous in the sense of returning to OW or having another A.)

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:45 AM, July 17th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.