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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's IV
obrian
♂ Member
Member # 28871
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Unexpectedsong. I appreciate the post. I don't particularly like the drug addict or alcoholic comparison. I've never had to deal with those issues, so I tread carefully, but it seems like others are collateral damage in someone destroying themselves, Leaving Las Vegas style. There are obviously cases where people lose their fortunes, homes, kids by the actions of an addict or alcoholic, but with an A, the BS is always a direct victim. They are the ones who are harmed. Their marriages are often destroyed. Their lives are in ruins.

On your other point, you may have not wanted to leave you husband. You may not have wanted to replace him. You may not have wanted to lose your kids. But an A risked all of these things, like my wife's has done. She didn't want to leave or replace me either and certainly doesn't want to lose our kids. But I may have left her on the spot upon finding out. She may have then been single and been left with the decision to replace me. She may have lost custody in a divorce. Perhaps my wife or any WS was consciously willing to take the calculated risk that they could have both an A and marriage. At some level there has to be a reason that someone would jeopardize things they admit they don't want to lose but still take actions that very well could mean they could.

Does that make sense?


Me (BS): 38
Her: 37
Married almost 12 yrs (together about 19)
Kids: 5, 7
Dday: 6/22/10

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2010
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bdotoole,
How do you compete ?? My question for the FWHs out there.....How can I compete with a 29 day affair with a married woman when it was all about hot sex, ego stroking on both sides, laughs, and just all fun...... ...Once the fog cleared for you do you still have pleasant, happy thoughts of the affair time period. Seriously who can't be perfect in a relationship fpr 30 days ??/ No worries about real life and just great sex and listening to how perfect you are would make it hard for anyone to compete with ??? This far down the road...do WHs still think the affair was so much fun ??
I don't think competition should be part of R. If you are feeling this pressure this far after d-day, then something isn't going right. I think that trying to compete is the wrong way to fix things. Is it you having these feelings on your own? or is it a result of continued conversations with your WH?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Blindbat
♀ Member
Member # 29495
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read all 42 pages I'm afraid...

I have a question for WS's who are utterly shocked that you broke one of your fundamental principles that you thought defined you... Did you find the issue of why you did what you did was a stumbling block for you to commit to reconciliation? Did you find yourselves questioning if you even loved your BS because you can't do if you did that to them? Did you feel you were so broken that you couldn't honestly make a promise because you were no longer certain you could keep any promise? If so, how did you get over it and reconcile and re-commit?


Noli illegitimi carborundum
Not yet as divorced as I'd like to be :-(

Posts: 713 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: The Land of Chocolate
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blindbat,

how did you get over it and reconcile and re-commit?
The first step was being able to recognize that no matter what I said, I was ultimately wanting to D my BW so I could run to OW. I could never get myself to do that. I tried, really tried, multiple times.

I never thought I would have an A. I intentionally stopped loving my BW months before the A. The A occurred and things spiraled from there. At some point it was the recognition that every excuse was based on lies or misinformation or incorrect thinking. In broader terms, my BW represents the truth. When I finally realized that most of what she had been saying was true, I stopped fighting R and started working on things. Will our M last? I don't know, but I know that working on the truth is what I value and what I need to do for my part of R. Really what I am saying is that I started trusting my BW.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SierraGrace,

I t/j your question on the Wayward forum. Hope you don't mind that.

In all of my past relationships, there was never anything intentional about wanting to wound someone after having been wounded. There wasn't any reasoning in it. Each relationship was new, there was no thinking that "I may as well do it to her before she does it to me" or anything like that. I never thought it was okay on either side. When I was a BS, the relationship ended. When I was a WS, the relationship ended. Even with the experiences of past relationships, I didn't think about any of that at all when I had my A. I didn't think about BW pain even though I had experienced it before. So it wounded people wound others, I think it would be more of a subconscious action.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
SierraGrace
♀ Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you SOOO much Baxters.. I appreciate you doing that and responding here! I wasn't sure if it was in anyone else's experience and realize it may or may not have been a concious decision on his part and may never find out for sure.

(((BaxtersBFF)))


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
bdotoole
♀ New Member
Member # 25213
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, September 4th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think competition should be part of R. If you are feeling this pressure this far after d-day, then something isn't going right. I think that trying to compete is the wrong way to fix things. Is it you having these feelings on your own? or is it a result of continued conversations with your WH?


Thanks for the response....I think it's in my head brought on by some past conversations but mostly just because I know we have struggled to R with many not to happy moments. This leads me to feel he has to think the affair was so "easy and fun". I just continue to HATE that he would still have pleasant memories after all the hurt he has seen his affair has caused. It took an innocent, loving, real relationship and tainted it forever. I do know the MOW has recently divorced, I told WH this and he appears to not care at all. I am 99.9% sure he has not attempted any contact for over 2 yrs now . I guess it boils down to the deep rooted insecurity an affair leaves in a relationship. Does this make sense to anyone ?


Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2009
strivn4peace
♀ Member
Member # 29311
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I originally posted this in General and it was suggested that I post it here...thanks Hope24. I'm hoping to get the WH perspective.

I'm sorry if this has already been addressed so if I missed it, please direct me....Thanks.

My question: why would a guy who has found "the best thing that's ever happened to me" and the person who "I want to spend the rest of my life with" and feels that with her "sex is best" RAMP UP the As as he is getting ready to propose and get married? AND continue after the wedding (I'm talking within weeks)?
Especially when the As involved women who he was "not attracted" to and only wanted sex (i.e., no EA).

Just curious what could be going through a guy's head?

P.S. I have evidence of this mindset - I have 3 years of emails in which he wrote these things never expecting I would ever seen them.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” ~Author unknown

I have one foot in, one foot out...but if he continues to progress the way he seems to be lately, I'll bring my foot in and close the door.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: DC Area
gardenmom
♀ Member
Member # 29036
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, September 5th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone go through a phase or something where you kinda self sabotaged the R process?? Like making bad choices, being unavailable emotionally, working when you should have been home, picking fights, lying, etc... He is not back in affair mode, but I am not sure what is up. He keeps saying nothing he is doing is good enough. ( I honestly don't see what he is doing other than ending affair 3 months ago) and other times he says he screws everything up. When he tries to do something, he messes it up so why try???? I am not sure what is going on and we don't go to MC for a few days. I need some input. Please help me.


Me-BS-35
HIM-FWH-37 (Dad6573)
2 kids
married 16 years

Dday EA 03/10
Dday PA 06/03/10
Dday whole truth 08/2011

So tired and confused. R is up to him now.


Posts: 788 | Registered: Jul 2010
anotherstatistic
♀ Member
Member # 26184
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, September 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all!

I do wish I had time to go back and read through as I am sure my question has been asked before...

As put by a friend of mine, I am a strong woman looking for answers. I have had so many questions about his affairs. 1LTEA and 1 2mth PA. I want details ie. Josephs letter. I want the details, the whole puzzle, to know what he knows. And guess what? HE DOESN'T REMEMBER MUCH.

He says it was a terrible time in his life so he dumped it. That he wasn't expecting to have to recount it so he let it go. It didn't mean anything to him.

I was blindsided by a FB message from OW. Weeks after her BH caught them texting. WB had contact with BH on his dday so WB knew he was busted. There was continued contact with OW for days after the affair was outed.

WB had no plans to confess. I never saw it coming.

Is it truly possible for him to forget? I understand dates and exact conversation but sexual acts? Where? How many times? Sexting? Content of photos sent back and forth?

He's been so vague and skips a lot. Changes the subject. I don't know, I can't remember. I'm so tired of it. He says he doesn't understand why I would want to know this stuff. That he wouldn't. He asked me what knowing the details has to do with the chances of him doing it again.


FWS, in your experience personal or from reading here, could he his excuses be valid even shortly after his two month PA, let alone a year later? Now he says the harder he tries to remember the more blank he goes. Also are there any suggestions for how he can remember more (if he's willing to try)?


Me-BS 36 Him-WS 41 (just plain wrong)
hisD-17, myS-13, ourD-3, ourD-born 3/17/10
D-day- 7/29/09

Posts: 397 | Registered: Nov 2009
JW123
♀ Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, September 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is short. Why was I not good enough to fight for? So many WS fight for their marriages and I have so much respect for them doing that. In my case, he could not leave the OW and left. He is dragging out our divorce (he wants more access and to give me less assets) and living with her. WHY WAS I NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO FIGHT FOR?


Him (WS)41
Me (BS) 41
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 483 | Registered: Oct 2008
onlysolution
♀ Member
Member # 23160
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, September 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why was I not good enough to fight for?

You were and are good enough to fight for. But, many WS have such tunnel vision that they cannot see past the object of their affection, which happens to be the OW.

I am the WW, and I came pretty close to walking away. It was only through my kids eyes and the love and forgiveness of my H (and his fight for our marriage) that I was able to turn away from such a strong pull. The OM in my case was ready to walk away from his family as well. I wish it were not so, I wish we had not been so narrowminded and selfish and I look back now and think, How could I? At the time, it seemed to me that there was no other choice.

Your WS might not ever be able to pull himself away from the greener grass, but one day he will most likely realize.

Your best response now is to move on without him. Be civil to him, but let him think you are moving on with your life...and do.


FWW: Me 52
BH: 54
Married 34 years
Recovery - Over 4 years

Posts: 448 | Registered: Mar 2009
will_I_make_it
♀ Member
Member # 28648
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my husband this question and haven't gotten an answer. I thought it would be interesting to hear other WS views or reasons for the following:

One of my husbands biggest things was and still is how it is his job to protect us from all physical, mental and emotional harm (i.e. protecting kids of former relationship from mental and emotional abuse from unfit biological father). My question to the waywards who feel the same way is (not limited to the example given), could you please explain how you were able to protect your family from the harm of outsiders but you couldn't protect them from the harm you inflicted from the affair. Thanks and I hope I did not offend anyone. I'm just wondering and it's been on my mind for weeks now.


Married 6/2007
Me = BS/28
Him = WH/39
DD 2/10/10
DD#2 4/24/2010 (same affair)

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2010
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

will_I_make_it,

Your questions brings up sometroubling memories for me. I guess I have always felt protective of the family, but as you are pointing out, it is a huge contradiction for any WS to think of themselves as the protector when we have inflicted some of the worst pain ever.

Leading up to and during the A, it just did not cross my mind that there was any harm going on. After a while though, I put a lot of effort into telling myself that the kids were resilient enough to make it though unscathed. My BW and I have always been very good at making things appear okay on the surface, so there were no outward signs from either of us that anything was wrong, and the kids having learned their behaviour from us didn't let on that they had any concerns either.

We see now how they have been affected and are working through that. This is just one of those things that can be chalked up to the crazymaking of the WS.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strivn4peace, no healthy person would every act the way you're describing.

I know the natural reaction is to as why because if there's a reason maybe it will make sense.

There are reasons, but they won't necessarily make sense and someone that acts in that destructive, self-sabotaging way has got some very serious issues that need to be addressed.

You can't help him with those. He has to seek the truth himself.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ blindbat:

I have a question for WS's who are utterly shocked that you broke one of your fundamental principles that you thought defined you...

I would fall into that description.

Did you find the issue of why you did what you did was a stumbling block for you to commit to reconciliation?

No, finding out the whys of my affair was imperative to reconciliation for me. I felt I owed to both myself and my BH to determine how I could commit such a destructive act. There are more details in my profile if you want to hear more.


Did you find yourselves questioning if you even loved your BS because you can't do if you did that to them?

No, I never questioned my love for my BH. I knew during and after the A that it wasn't about lack of love for *him* that lead me to the A, it was lack of love for myself, lack of coping skills, poor boundaries, and a host of FOO issues that caused me to make my choices.

Did you feel you were so broken that you couldn't honestly make a promise because you were no longer certain you could keep any promise? If so, how did you get over it and reconcile and re-commit?

No, I didn't fall into this category. I was in IC immediately after my d-day. I was bound and determined to turn my life around. I vowed that the A would not define me.

And it hasn't.

Good luck to you.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it truly possible for him to forget? I understand dates and exact conversation but sexual acts? Where? How many times? Sexting? Content of photos sent back and forth?

I highly doubt it. I suspect he's continuing to protect himself by withholding the details. He's hoping you'll let it go.

Ask for a polygraph and see if his amnesia suddenly goes into remission.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anotherstatistic,

FWS, in your experience personal or from reading here, could he his excuses be valid even shortly after his two month PA, let alone a year later? Now he says the harder he tries to remember the more blank he goes. Also are there any suggestions for how he can remember more (if he's willing to try)?

Nope, his excuses are not valid.

I would sit down with him calmly and tell him that you need him to do this for you and it's imperative for you to heal.

You both can sit down with a calendar, phone bills, cc receipts and piece together a timeline that chronicals the affair. He needs to do this for you. Period.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry...I was posting same time as Hope24


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
will_I_make_it
♀ Member
Member # 28648
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Baxter.


Married 6/2007
Me = BS/28
Him = WH/39
DD 2/10/10
DD#2 4/24/2010 (same affair)

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2010
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