Later in the evening in our musings I told him I still don't understand why he wanted to blow my world apart and what is so very good about the OW that it's worth throwing away 15 years of marriage for, without even making the slightest effort to save the M. I was told I was "missing the point". Please, can anyone tell me just what is the point that I'm missing?
[This message edited by Blindbat at 8:02 AM, November 1st (Monday)]
[This message edited by RKT429SS at 6:42 AM, November 2nd (Tuesday)]
I was told I was "missing the point". Please, can anyone tell me just what is the point that I'm missing?
His comment is a subtle attempt to have you second-guess yourself, but you're doing all of the right things, Blindbat. Don't waver now.
[This message edited by Blindbat at 1:35 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday)]
Is it possible to reconcile if he still has the "romanticized" version of the OW in his head and I feel he is still demonizing me?
It does seem at 14 months after D-Day that things would have sorted out by now. It sounds like he still hasn't forced himself to face all the truths he ignored during the A.
In the case of not making the OW a bad person, it's usually a matter of self protection for a WS. If we admit that the OP was someone bad, then we have to admit to ourselves that we let ourselves fall for someone that "low" in the first place. So in our twisted state, we try to justify our actions in our own mind by convincing ourselves that "anyone could have fallen for such a great person".
As for not acknowledging your good points, that's likely a matter of how he conditioned himself. Again, if our BS is great it makes our actions that much worse. But if our BS neglects us, well then who wouldn't agree that there was a valid reason for us to cheat?
There may be something I'm missing here. But it really sounds like your WS is afraid to face the real facts of just how low the choices were that were made.
how long does it take to see the true colors of the affair, OP, etc. and start seeing that maybe there was/is something good in the M?
I wish I could give you a definitive answer, but it's different for each WS. I will say that for me, the switch from fantasy to reality was quick. It was the time leading up to that switch - about 5 months of post D-Day fog - that was way too long. It took a trigger that caused me to see my BW's pain in a very intense way to cause that switch to go off in my brain.
why would my husband adopt my kids knowing he hasn't been committing to us as a family?
while in the fog of an A, reality becomes very distorted. It is quite possible in his own mind that he has the "perfect" life - a stable home, wonderful kids and a woman who validates what a great guy he is (the OW).
It can also feed into the validation he gets from the OW as well, as he tells her about your kids and portrays what a "great Dad" he is. Telling her he voluntarily took on kids that were not his makes him look better in her eyes.
One other possibility is if he has Knight in Shining Armor (KISA) tendencies. The act of being there for your kids would be a validation for him of how he helps others, and would be kept separate in his mind from the act of "rescuing OW" by placing her on a pedestal.
I guess I am also wondering how long does it take to see the true colors of the affair, OP, etc. and start seeing that maybe there was/is something good in the M?
The "fog" cleared gradually for me over several weeks, immediately following D-Day and NC. 14 months out seems like a long time to me. Is he doing IC? MC? Any other work or introspection on himself?
On a more pessimistic note, is he maintaining NC, and has he really come clean about the particulars of the A? If he is still keeping secrets, then he is basically still involved in the A inside his own head.
Ain't it funny how we pretend we're still a child
Softly stolen under our blanket skies
And rescue me from me and all that I believe
Can you please help me understand: why would my husband adopt my kids knowing he hasn't been committing to us as a family?
Being in an A can lead to a lot of doublethink. He might have been trying to maintain his image of himself as a "good person" even while he was doing things that were incompatible with that. He might have used it for "bargaining" in his own head: on the one hand, he was cheating, but on the other hand, he adopted the kids. I think some people compartmentalize so well that they don't even really see the discrepancy.
Obviously it isn't rational or logical, but umm... I think part of what is so hard for many BS's to accept is that A behavior rarely makes sense.
trusted2much - Also, am I asking too many questions? Is there a limit in the forum to how many a BS can ask?
There are no limits to how many questions that you can ask. We understand that sometimes the need to understand how and why quite often conflicts with the rate the knowledge comes. LOL
Unfortunately the limitation here is the speed of the answers as it all depends on the goodwill of the WS community to answer the questions as time and energy permit. The good news is that while there are some great members (manAscending, Listeningclosely, Fallen and BaxtersBFF to name but a few) who try their best to give replies with due haste, the bad news is that it remains a rather ad hoc situation.
For those that had posted and never got a reply, please don't ever think that we misplaced you by intent but accept our apologies and please submit that question again!
Ditto HUFI. Ask as many questions as you like. That's why we have this thread.
Is there anything I can do to help him get the rest of the way out of the "fog"? Can I do anything to help him to face the real facts?
First and foremost, consistency and consequences. If your WS is doing something counter to what you have told him you need to heal, he needs to hear about it every time from you. And if there are consequences for his actions, hold him to them.
For example, I would say IC is mandatory for any WS to get through both the "why did they do it" and the ability to see reality. As long as your WS is taking the steps needed to go through IC, fine. But if he refuses to go, or says he's giving up on the therapist because it's useless, that could be a dealbreaker.
Bottom line is how he reacts to seeing your pain. If his response is compassion, empathy and ownership of his causing that pain, there's hope. If not, then remorse is far less likely and so is his ability to see the truth.
The a$$hole works in a different building, department. Within walking distance. They could chat via IM, email, phone call. She has professed none of that easy contact and I believe her. They physically may cross paths in a hallway, campus wide meeting on average once every two months. Could possibly see each other out too lunch by shear randomness.
Now this being said….Should I demand total NC? This has been eating at me for months and an arguing point between her and I. She really likes her job (even before him), we need the money (she makes the same as I do), I’m happy for her being there other than him. Please help. It angers the hell out of me that I am essentially ‘allowing’ her to work there.
[This message edited by RKT429SS at 2:41 PM, November 4th (Thursday)]
I work with OP also. During the A, he worked right across the hall from me. After DDay, I moved my office much further away and off his beaten path to get away from him. It was detrimental to me to be around him. Made me sick with shame. Now, I see him in staff meetings and in the hallway. Still makes me sick. So, I just took a job in another division, on a lower floor. Hopefully, that will be better. If not, I'll leave completely. If BH had asked me to leave completely, i would have. BH is glad I have made these changes. He doesn't worry about me breaking NC, i don't think, but he just doesn't want me around the guy, or the group of friends that were part of this. I totally understand and agree.
But here is the thing--if she wants to email, text, im him, she can do that no matter where she moves. So, I think the important thing is for the two of you to agree on what level of distance is comfortable for both of you--and if that means she leaves her job, I believe you have the standing to ask her to do that.
But at some point, you will still have to learn to trust that she doesn't want any other method of contact with him and that she is maintaining NC (of course she has to give you reason to do that). That is to say, the distance will help, but will not be a cure-all. But you already know that, I am sure.
I was wondering if there has been any articles that have especially helped any WS. I found "Things that every WS needs to know" which I'm going to email him a copy of and I've sifted through the healing library but find that a lot of the articles aren't as related to a ONS. If anyone has any advice that would be very helpful, I know he feels kind of lost and alone and I hope to send him a link to the site one day because it's been invaluable to me.