Why do you suppose I want tell my W, I still hurt? I want her to know this still is on my mind and it still is having a negative effect on me..
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:13 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]
Anyway, he's still angry this morning ...
He says he feels like he's in jail,
I think we all believe that by not letting them know we hurt, they will think everything is o.k. You feel like you are helping them sweep it under the rug. Now about that question. I do not believe I have ever done that, but I can see why people would want to. I have a question for you. Did your H like the puppy you got?
It is good to hear that you are feeling better and that you told her about this. I guess BSs need to remember that their WSs can't read our minds either.
Well that deal with the VAR is not good. If he bitches about that again, point out that you did not do things like that before he had his A. It is not like you suddenly decided to spy on him for the fun of it! Damn these WSs are so dense sometimes. He needs to grow out of his go out and party mode.
It is always good to read your posts. Thanks.
Thanks for the miracle up date. It is good to hear she is on the mend.
It sounds like your MC is really tuned into the real world. What he said was way to cool.
I hope we get a update about m3 and the baby soon. I suppose we may be waiting a few days for that info.
Hugs to the tribe.
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:14 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]
I know I haven't been around in a while. I kind of just needed a break from it all to try to take the next step forward. I still remember clearly those early days when everyone on here kept saying "baby steps" "one day at a time" etc when I couldn't make it to the next minute!!!
Anyway, things are good. I sailed past the 2.5 year mark without (almost) noticing! My H continues to work very hard on himself, he continues to be patient with me (yes, I still yell, I still cry, I still trigger but it is less and less). He is still transparent. But, more importantly, I am less dependent on him. I have grown a lot through this and realize that I was trying to control something that was, obviously, waaaaayyyyy outside of my control. So, although I pray he will not do this again, I know he has been given the once chance to make it all right with me and the family. He doesn't get a second chance!
I will never get completely caught up as I missed most of XVI so I will just say hi and try to get back in the swing.
To the newbies: you don't know my story but the infidelity in my marriage was staggering. I found out on my two ddays that my H had never been faithful our entire marriage. The good news is that he told me everything (can't imagine there could BE anything else ) and he immediately started working on himself. I did kick him out for 4 months so he could feel what it would be like to lose his life with me and the family. That bitch-slapped him back to reality pretty quickly.
My advice: don't even worry about what they are thinking, how they "feel", etc. Set your boundaries, make your demands and define clear consequences that you are willing to defend. If they won't adhere, guess what? They won't adhere to anything including being truthful and trustworthy. Better to find out sooner rather than later!
That was a pretty good rant. The WSs have such a warped double standard. That is such a pisser.
Here is a great example of double standards. I asked a money/tax related question to a very trusted friend. During the Q & A, I did disclose some approximate figures. That had to be done in order for him to give me his best educated opinion. My W and I are both very private when it comes to money matters. I would never have discussed this with him had I not trusted this man to be confidential. When I told my W about the discussion she got very mad. I believe the rant started with how could you share our private matters, our private life with him? She went on, and on, but I did not hear much else. You know what I was thinking. How could you think it was o.k. to share yourself, my private life, our house, with men I did not even know, but think what I just did was so terrible?
It makes me wonder how she would handle me having sex with several other women.
Poor Mr. Allgood. He is getting a shity deal. His BW is spying on him. Poor Mrs Dip. Her BH does not know he should never disclose any private info to anyone. These WSs have such a hard life sometimes.
It is good to hear that things are good for you. Thanks for the advice. Things like that are much needed and appreciated.
he got served today ... it is his day off and he called my cell ...
I did not answer knowing what it is about ... he had no idea I hired an atty ... or that he was going to get served ...
he left a snarky voice mail on my sell ... something to the effect ...
"well I just got served by your atty. I thought we were gonna handle this outside the courts ?? well I will no longer be talking to you about anything ever again. It will all go thru your atty. goodbye..."
what the hell ??? asshole did you think I was just gonna stay married to you while you keep fucking the whore ??? and let you decide to get D when the time suits you ???
I have no desire to stay M to you any longer especially while you are still with the whore ...
why should everything be all roses for you ??? you get the whore, stay married to me, and get D when it suits you ??? while I am just swinging here in the wind ???
I soooo dont think so ... I am taking control of the sitch now ... you took control of how you walked away from the M ... now I am taking control of I how I tell you to go fuck yourself ...
deal with it !!!!!!!!
and I posted a reply in General to the thread when did you know it was time to D ... something like that ... and I was on a roll with that response to ...
OMG it feels so good ... I have had all this pent up inside for me for what seems like ever .... and it is all rushing out tonight ... no Ms. nice booger bear tonight ... the gloves are coming off ....
I wish everyday could feel like this ... I know they wont but I am gonna enjoy this one while it lasts ....
Allgoodnamesgone… I think forgivenotforget made a great post for you (and me)… just hold your head high and strength to you. No, I don’t think he knows what he has done to you, the hurt and pain. I think you can also try and stay positive around him with… “I can make it through this” “I’m not giving up on us” “I can forgive you for this” “We need help to reconnect, we can do this” I think your H is in a bad place. IF he is at all has any type of heart, he has got to hate himself for what he has done. My brother in law called me after he found out what his sister had done to me… my brother in law cheated on his first family… left his first W for his AP. He told me It was the biggest mistake in his life… At the time his A was discovered, if his first W showed him she wanted to make is work without all the “stuff betrayed” spouses do. He would have tried hard, but he gave up... He got in this… “it will never work” phase. He asked me to be kind and try and show his sister how much I do love her... So I did in many ways.. and didn't is other.... My point is… you are a very smart person… just think twice before any words… stay positive… share ONLY feelings… do not be upset at yourself because you checked on him, be smarter about that next time… keep asking him that you both need to find a way to get back to when you both first met… and you want a relationship that involves just you and him…. Just my thoughts.
Booger… it is hard to handle stuff like this “outside” the court… he is in dreamland. I bet no way he can send everything through the attorney… he’s gonna be calling and email… good luck with all that stuff, I’m sure you are going to face some challenges.
Hurtshirley… I sure hope I get where you are in 2.5 years..
Iwant… you OK?
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:27 AM, March 19th (Friday)]
We had a day of just enjoying each other... we went on an overnight trip, away from my daughter... to focus on us.
We started going out several times a week to local pubs and resturants to have a glass of wine.... We'd meet after work, just to talk about current events, the kids, our jobs, things that need to happen around the house, etc...
I know you have kids so you need someone that cares about you to help watch them, haul them etc...
It takes a effort to reconnect. It take someone to take charge and do it... I notice sometimes it's the wayward, sometimes it's the one hurt.
And know this, there are going to be many times there is going to be things said that will hurt each other... anger, crying... Make it known in advance you both expect it to happen... don't run and hide (if you do leave, just say It is to get composure back)
A lot of people think love is a feeling...but, it is a choice. You make the choice to make reservations to nice resturant, you make a choice to have sex, you make a choice to hug, to kiss, to talk nice and tell someone the things they do to make you feel good... So if you choose to love him... you need to do loving things. When our spouses made the choice to be evil, to break a commitment to god, they made a choice not to love.
We sometimes let our emotions like anger, take over. We say unloving things, do unloving things...
Since he is not getting help and you are... he won't get it... not unless you teach him. You need to just think very hard before you talk... think very carefully... you can make a choice to say or do something loving, or do something unloving.
Loving yourself too... Love yourself enough not to be the doormat... not to be exposed to HIV.
If he does or says things that are unloving... just tell him how you felt.
ie... "when you didn't come home, I felt a fear because you are my childrens father, was you off to hurt yourself, in some ditch? I felt dejected, I felt suspicious you selected to go back to OW... It all hurt me."
If he wants to make a choice to love you, he will not do things unloving anymore...Both of you are not in good mental health. No way... he needs help to get him healthy again.
One day, you will make a choice to trust him again too. When you are ready, you are ready. Meanwhile you are an oxymoron.. trust but verify... lol...
Just like I would hire you to represent me in a D... next time you want to snoop, get professional help. Go to the money machine and slowly get cash if you need to buy a device... take his car to the pro to install the gps.. or whatever... When all your life you have been trusting and honest, you really don't know how to be sneaky. That's me... but today, I live and learn.
and this too..For me, It was real hard to let some details go that you really don’t need to know. I now accept, my W loved the OM in many ways… not just sex but other things… She had sex with him many times.. maybe 200 so times… It doesn’t matter where, the dates… it was while I was coaching the kids or working (my feel comment about my giving to our family while she was selfish) It is what it is…
And you know what? If he makes a decision not to love you, It is out of your control. You will have known you made the best possible effort to R.... if he leaves... a good man will come into your life... you are a catch! Good job, passion, smart, in shape... you'd be Valedictorian of the dating pool! If you decide to leave, that is ok too... you are justified and knowbody will blame you.
[This message edited by trynhard at 1:07 PM, March 19th (Friday)]
and I did not answer again ... 180 in full swing powering on ahead ...
Allgood: I feel the advice to get a pro to put in stuff in the car is a good idea if it will give you piece of mind. I'm sorry, but all the things he's saying about feeling he's in prison,etc. must have been taken from the script my WH has been reading. I don't know if it's a red flag, or your WH just wants to feel "normal". He still has to understand that there are consequences to his actions and he doesn't want to deal with them.
I'm really hatin at the moment
10K today at 51:01... Not bad first run of the season.. over 40... or should I say almost 50???
Booger.. I read that Waywards all go through a grief once they know it's really over... Maybe your soon to be XH is about to feel some pain.. I know he wasn't too nice to you but it might be a good idea to be firm but nice... I think it's a good idea not to call him back... maybe email any issues about settlement. Good luck with all that... get what is yours.
[This message edited by trynhard at 1:22 PM, March 20th (Saturday)]
i only skimmed the last few pages..i will try to read it again later or more likely tomorrow...
a few things though did stand out..
fnf: that was a great rant, and i ranted right along with you..
allgood: your ws is having a temper tantrum because you are not letting it go, and he doesn't know how to deal with it and he doesn't want to deal with it....its got to be hard to face it when you have devastated someone so deeply, so that his life as he knew it is gone, and he needs to pull up his big boy pants and deal...if he doesn't you will never get to a good place with him...he could either help you get there and help save the marriage or you will get there by yourself and the marriage will be gone..
booger: total yay...you have come such a long way in such a short time...i am so proud of you... ...and the 180 is perfect..., when i get the energy i will have to catch up on your other rants..
hurtshirley: i am happy that things are going well for you...and that your ws is working at it....
dip and tryn: you both did very well holding down the fort...
sailaway: one of the guys asked you how he reacted to the puppy...its a good question...and i could relate..
...the surgery that i just did was so out of character for me, something i never ever would have done before, it was a selfish surgery something just for me...you see i always wanted a flat belly, and even though i lost some weight and my body is rockin my belly still was not flat, i also had a horrible scar from an appendctomy gone wrong..so i selfishly decided to get a tummy tuck and get that scar revised, well the tummy is tucked and the scar is gone...as much as i have some pain now i know that a couple of weeks from now i will have a body to be even more proud of...plastic surgery to me prior to this was something for rich people, vain people...never for someone like me....rich..i certainly am not, vain...as far from vain as one could get....i never wear makeup, i don't dress up unless there is a reason, my hair is just plain styled, nothing fancy...nothing fancy about me...but this i decided to do for me......last night i looked at pfm and i was crying because as much as i will be excited for my new belly when the pain goes away i was so sad because it would have been different, should have been different...but it is what it is, and i now live for me and my kids...that is all that matters....
i have to give pfm some credit, he has been really good about all this, and very helpful because i am incapacitated...but then again i feel like well its the least the bastard could do...he cost me greatly, he cost me my idea of what a family and a marriage was...i am still devastated beyond reason, but i am living my life, i will not wallow, i will not lose myself ever again in someone...
so anyways, whatever his reaction to the puppy was, how did you feel about doing what you wanted to do. taking control of you and your decisions for your life...getting a puppy is a step in taking back your power...taking back you....so good for you...and keep it up...
i am tired now and need to go rest...i missed talking with all of you, i will try to check in later, if not i will be back tomorrow
m3: i hope you are enjoying you new girl...i hope you are getting some sleep...