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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey njgal480... I had one of "those weeks" a couple weeks back. It just never seems to be enough kinda feelings. All you can do is try hard to think about what you H is doing today... is he being a good man? Is he showing you love? Is he doing things that make you happy?

HurtS.. I have the Shack... my wife read that book. I'm going to read it. I know I made the decision to forgive both my W and her former lovers... but at times I still have unforgiving thoughts... Like I want to break his jaws... lol...

Trying... I hope you let you H know today how you feel hurt....

Iwant.. seems you are back up and move'n...

Ole well peace today! My baby daughter is 18 today!

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:37 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgirl - I understand completely- yesterday I was in a good modd all day, was pretty busy at work so I guess I was distracted enough not to think about the A, then on the ride home, I get crazy mad, feeling hopeless again. Such mood swings!
I'm only 7 mos out & I wonder the same thing - is there any getting over it? Like you - I say the A only ended because I ended it - God knows how long it would've gone on for if not for the discovery. They never had a fight, still, after all that time has nothing bad to say about her...
Anyway, from what I see on SI it seems that there is no getting over it, just accepting it and finding a way to be happy notwithstanding. And, it also seems from SI that BS never stop thinking about it completely so I dont think its strange that you were triggered when your friend called.
I understand the unfairness of not being able to bring it up after so long. I can tell my ws still doesnt understand why it continues to come up (despite the fact he's done a number of things to make me think the A is ongoing...), so I could only imagine if I mentioned it years later. But, having said that, I think you shouldn't have to hide your feelings from your h.
O - and like you - I too find myself thinking - if this was a ons I would be "totally fine" with that. (Which - I'm sure I wouldn't be & I find it almost amusing that I'm jealous of someone whose ws has a ons...)
Try to stay positive, but let your h know what's going on. (Personally, I'd rather tell my H why I'm upset rather than pretend unsucessfully to be otherwise as I feel the latter just makes me look crazy...)
I dont know if it will help you, but I think of the alternative. If I left my h -how would I feel? How would I be with someone else? Would I trust him? Would someone else be better for me than my H, the way he is now?
I dont know - just as mixed up as anyone else - but I hope this helps you in some way.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first off happy birthday to tryns daughter....18...is a definite milestone..not the same milestone when we arrived at it...now 21 has the rest of what we had at 18...as a parent i like it, i think...my daughter too will turn 18 this year...makes me feel a bit old...

Iwant.. seems you are back up and move'n...

yup..i go from the couch to the big chair in the den to come here.. ...then back to the couch... ...i am getting there though, little by little...last nite we had to go to a wake, the whole family had to go, good freinds of all ours lost a dad/grandpa....didn't need a pain pill last nite, pure exhaustion set in..

allgood:

Anyway, from what I see on SI it seems that there is no getting over it, just accepting it and finding a way to be happy notwithstanding. And, it also seems from SI that BS never stop thinking about it completely

i think for couples that happily r i do not think that the infidelity is thought about as often or as acute, i think it becomes one of the bad experiences of your marriage, you store it away, like the other bad experiences...but i don' think that you get to put it away until you reach a peaceful place with it...acceptance being the first step..for the lucky ones forgivenss is the ultimate peace....and then it becomes a part of your history and not always in your face......there, but not in your face....

of course the ws needs to meet some big criteria too...if they don't r is really not possible at least not a true r where both parties are happy....otherwise the bs will always resent something about the ws and that is not good way to live...


o.k. back to the couch for me..



later
(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well tomorrow will be my shopping day--I sad to say I'm not really looking forward to it,
Oh, Trying, I’m sorry.
Shop for YOU my friend! YOU. Sod him. Go and have a nice day, get your nails done or whatever, buy YOURSELF something really nice and expensive (or even several things) and ignore the fact it’s HIS birthday. Spend on YOU, cos you are soooo worth it!

How can I not be allowed to still be upset 3 yrs post d-day? when..the affair went on for 5 years???
Remember the mantra: Long Term Affairs = Long Term Recovery. Our spouses had their affairs for reasons we cannot fathom and one of the reasons they went on for so long was because they never got caught; they came to see their life and the way they lived it as normal. It was – to them! The longer the marriage, the harder it is to come to terms with. When you share the information with someone new, you have to experience their shock. And whatever their reaction is, you are going to trigger to it. You wonder what they will be thinking after you’ve put the phone down and how the dynamics of your friendship/relationship will change and how it will impact on your FWS. It’s hard. One day, I will be telling my children and I know I will have to be incredibly focused and strong and have all the answers ready to any questions. Once I tell one, I’ll have to tell all four. And I will have to pick my words very carefully.

Like you - I say the A only ended because I ended it - God knows how long it would've gone about her...
The affair ended because she was going to say something and WH couldn’t stand the tension any longer – so he told me. They rowed, but over the fact it was an affair and not something out in the open. And the fact that WH never took her anywhere “special”. He has never bad mouthed her once. Not once. But that would reflect upon him and his behaviour. He seems to want to take full responsibility for the whole thing. I think he gets some sort of perverse ego boost from knowing he led her into being completely in love with him to the point of madness and that he could “choose” to be with me, destroy me utterly and still be the one to offer me comfort in my pitiful state. Kwim? That he was somehow being so kind to her (all that texting after d-day) and being a KISA to me. If she hadn’t phoned so that I dialled 1471 to get her number, woken DS3 up to rip into him and then pulled all the phone plugs, if she hadn’t got so drunk and upset, he wouldn’t have told me and it’s quite possible they would still be in their affair. Who knows? Not something I like to think about.

My baby daughter is 18 today!
Awwww! All growed up already and to think she was once as tiny as m33’s brand new joy! Hope she has a lovely, lovely day! And hope you and Mrs Tryn’ enjoy it all too!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((njgal)))))

I prob have asked this before, but have forgotten, so i apologise.
Are you in IC? How is this going for you?

Sweetie, you dont have to put up with anything if you dont want to. Theres no right time to know if a M is truly over. Only you will know if the time is right for you.

I am also past 3 years and like I said before, there are seldom days that pass where I am not reminded on some level of the LTAs. But I have learnt to them go. Sometimes they are not that easy, and if I am struggling, I let H know, for eg we are huge 24 fans but the storyline we were following recently where one of the main characters was having an A and was portrayed as being a man "of good character" in spite of this and his "dalliance" was grinned about, just drove me mad! I couldnt watch anymore. Which was a shame as this was our time with DS. He was upsetat first but then later told me that H explained the reason why (that that storyline triggered me given that H had done the same to me)and understood. I hate that this still affects me but I found that the more I fight a trigger, the more I get upset. So I acknowledge it, (cuss at H and the OW in errr very creative terminology)and then move on.The ones where I cant move on from, like the TV series, I get them out of my way.

So how does your H treat your triggers? What are your triggers about? Do you think that they keep the betrayal fresh in your mind so that you can never allow yourself to forget and then possibly get hurt again? Or fresh so you can keep your H at a distance? Or are they to hurt you?
Has your IC tried using EMDR on you to help you manage the triggers? There is also an excellent method called AIT which gets results quicker and is less invasive than EMDR. You can google them and find an IC who is qualified in either.

Finally, Njgal, as I said before, if this is IT for you, then start the process. Sometimes its just not possible for a person to move on from a betrayal of such magnitude. Sometimes just knowing that helps too, KWIM? Knowing that you are not trapped into staying or trying to R; that you really do have choices.


LH


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart2.. I am getting to the same point. I am learning how to let many things just go... It has taken me months and months to even get to this point...

I hate that this still affects me but I found that the more I fight a trigger, the more I get upset.

kinda like this...

OK here is EMDR
Why Use EMDR
How the Brain orgabizes Traumatic Material
By targeting the reactionary material and stimulating both sides of the brain alternately, EMDR allows the hippocampus and the cortex to organize the trauma, integrate it, and inform the amygdale which is then able to calm down. The traumatic experience is put into perspective and subsequent trigger events no longer cause the amygdale to sound the alarm bells.

My EMDR therapy was art... This was my art about my brain... lol...

My horse, named trigger, a sea horse in my brain, my Hippocampus.
Round and round I fight it, everyday.
My love, rode that horse, I hate that, becoming input
Output now, my mind fights the world of other riders, round and round.
To fade in time is hope, but stuck forever, in long term, in my horse.


Funny how I can look at that and smile today.. but was in a very pained mood when I did it... I was in a fight.. still do today on occasions... but letting it go more and more. That was done about the time Tiger Woods and other stuff was triggering to the point I wanted to stop!

Anyways.. Sorry for such a horrible post... gonna take my wife out for some fun tonight!

ps... gonna have to do some specials for da new folks...

thus was dipstick... slogan..The old dipstick F job

njgal... it just doesn't seem to fit...

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:44 PM, March 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn - amazing artwork!
Hurt Shirley - thanks for the book suggestions, I just ordered 1 you recommended & I am looking forward to reading it.
I was thinking tonight how my h is going out (team sport)and I really don't care. This is not a "yay me I finally trust him" moment, but rather, I'm happy to be alone and free to be in whatever mood I happen to be in. Free to not look happy.
That sucks.
And, I was thinking how 10 mos before I found out about the A, I definitely thought about whether I should get divorced. Most of that was based upon stuff my h didn't do, rather than anything offensive in and of itself. Like, leaving me to do way too much. Like ignoring my repeated pleas that I'm overwhelmed. Like showing no interest in me and treating me like I'm his nanny 85% of the time & then getting annoyed at me when I didn't have any interest in him sexually. I didn't think about him when we were apart. I would call him after I got the kids out the door & then not again until I got home. Even at social events - we didn't spend time together. And, I really didn't care. I was just mad & resentful.
Then, 2 mos before DDay, we have a big fight & he finally tells me he has complaints of his own (basically that I dont seem to have any feelings for him at all) and that he's miserable. This really took me by surprise & I was really upset by it - I don't know why, since prior to this conversation I really thought I didnt need him anymore. Anyway, from that point on I guess I started feeling more vulnerable & rejected. I tried to restore my relationship with him, but as he was deep in the A -I really wasn't getting anything back. I told him I just felt lonely & that I cried everyday. He actually seemed to care during that conversation, but nothing changed.
Now, of course, I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose him.
Why? Why did I not care about losing him until I was faced with the reality that I was being rejected?
Or, is it that it just wasn't real then - it was just how I felt. (I suppose it's the latter as I always decided against getting divorced and also turned down the advances of someone else during this period of time.)
I don't know - just something to think about instead of helping my son study for Spanish.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all for the great advice and the kind words....
and yes..Tryin..even after 3 yrs. I am still trying to put together all pieces of the puzzle that makes up my life.
I am feeling better today.

Yes, I did tell my husband that I triggered last night after the phone call with my friend.
I decided to treat myself to a massage today....it was a lovely splurge.
My husband continues to be an 'ideal' husband in so many ways.For example, yesterday, before my meltdown he had brought home 2 dozen roses...just because...

I do think that it will just take time.
Like recovering from a death, we will never forget that it happened but we will eventually be able to smile and live our lives and be happy.
(As long as our spouses are remorseful and truly comitted to making the marriage work.)
And, yes....
I am definitely still on that roller coaster...

the last few weeks have been especially triggering with all the news on TV and on the internet about infidelity...Tiger Wood/Rielle Hunter now this Sandra Bullock mess...

Rielle really got to me in the interview where she bad mouths Elizabeth Edwards and smiles that smug, smirky smile (reminds me of my husband's unremorseful and mean MOW).


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,

Your story resonates with me. I too was frustrated with my WH pre-affairs. I used to refer to myself as a single mother in training because of his lack of support with the kids/home. He was frustrated over the lack of action in the bedroom. After dday I so wanted to make things work. Unfortunately, WH became depressed for months and went through withdrawal after dday#1. During this time his rewriting of our marital history and blame shifting caused me to doubt myself and deepened the betrayal I felt. So, like you, I felt like I was the only one of us putting in much effort to make things right.

Fast forward a year and 3 ddays later and things have changed between us for the better. We seem to be different people, but I couldn't tell you precisely what lead to our metamorphoses. And I don't know how long it will last, but I am grateful to have hope back in my life.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, I know what you mean about how you felt pre dday. I often felt the same way. I often played with the idea of leaving WH because of many other factors that had nothing to do with the A. But, I always decided to stay and try to work things out, which really meant kow towing to him even more than I was.

After dday, it hurt so much more because it felt like I put up with all his BS and HE cheats on ME???? I was just as unhappy or even more so, and I didn't cheat.

two kids: I'm glad to hear that things are going so much better for you. That really makes me glad.

tryn: that is really fantastic stuff. Thank you for sharing it.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted something similar to this in General, but this is more of an update on my sitch.

We had a long honest talk on the phone the other day. I wasn't blaming or didn't put him on the defensive. I didn't argue with anything he said, I just listened.

He still blames me for the A because he wasn't satisfied with the quantity or quality of our sex life. He said he was "sexually abused"....that we didn't have sex as often as he wanted. Even going for 2-3 days without it was a hardship for him. I told him that there were plenty of times that he didn't want to have it because he was too sick or tired and I didn't take it as a rejection, but just a simple fact. He said he knew that, but that's not what he wanted. That he even was looking for OW#3 here in the US but couldn't find anyone (because we didn't have sex as often as he liked. The longest we went was a week and that's when DS were tiny babies waking up all times of the night)

He has admitted that he lied and did not leave OW and will not leave her at all, they have OCs together, and he still wants her. He said it started just for sex, and then she got pregnant.....

He keeps telling me that he loves me and I'm the only one he has ever really loved. But it wasn't enough. He says that he felt sex is 50% of the marriage.

He still talks about the fact that I didn't get an operation "down there" to tighten me up. I'm "too loose". (Just talked to yet another doctor who said there was no medical reason to do it, it would be cosmetic). I said if I had the operation and we had sex every single day then what? He said he still would not give up OW, but it would probably prevent him for looking for OW #3.

He still talks about us buying another house and how much he loves me.

I just listened to all of this because I felt he was being honest for the first time. This is how he really feels. I am NOT accepting this, but it helped me to see more clearly that it's not me. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM!!!!

All this time I was in false R, doing everything I could to try to save our "marriage" . I was still blaming myself and buying into all his BS about what I did wrong. I will own 50% of marital problems, but this behavior and his ideas are insane.

Right now, he's overseas because of business and stayin with OW/OCs. He has told me it's none of my business what he does with her.

I am done. I have seen lawyers and am deciding on what is the best course of action to do. Because of finances, and a long complicated story about them, I can't D as of yet.

After DDay#2, the fog has lifted, the novocaine has worn off , but I can see more clearly now, but am in so much more intense pain.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I'm so sorry about this recent turn of events. You sound so calm in your post - I hope you are ok.
Your husband has my vote for the most selfish man on the planet. I'm only happy that he was finally honest with you, so that you can have peace of mind & know you didnt do anything wrong & cant do anything to fix this (him).


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
tryingtofindout
♀ Member
Member # 1042
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just letting everyone know the Karma bus hit the OW house--boohoo!!!!!!!!!!. Her back went out and she was in so much pain she had to come home from work and is still in great pain although she did go to the Dr. So my H only went over to feed her animals and was home within 45 min and the rest of the day was great we had lunch together and then went shopping. So do I feel bad for her---hell no!!!

Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2003
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay Tryingto findout! I'm still waiting for my Karma bus. Actually, I'm in a great position to drive the Karma bus in motion myself, but I have to keep thinking of the consequences for me. But man, I could seriously bring her down in EVERY possible way. Stupid fool gave me a lot of information & was too stupid to realize how the same subjected her to legal & financial penalties of significant magnitude.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i hope the day surprises you...

Oh, and I am sure something nasty will happen to OW because she deserves it.

Well after reading these two quotes from Miracle and HS to tryingtofindout I'm thinking we might have some gifted fortune tellers. Hey, I'd like to make an appointment with each of you to see what you might predict for me.
Trying - I'm so happy for you that the karma bus struck on this day. I do hope your H appreciates that you were even willing to spend it with him after what he's put you through this past week. Is it possible that he really didn't want to spend it with her? I think it very interesting that she was in a lot of pain and he just took off and left her alone in her misery. Doesn't sound like he cares very much about her and is just using her for a little side thrill.
M3 - Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl. I sure do miss those days of cuddling and spoiling my little ones. Treasure these wonderful times.
Njgal - I am 4 1/2 years out and still have an occasional horrific day. Thank heavens they are few and far between but when they strike, well you don't want to be anywhere near me. Just a few months ago I had one of these days after a conversation that triggered me and I was screaming, "I hate you and I'll hate you forever." My H looked so pathetic, truly beaten down and I think that is what snapped me out of my tirade.
Don't be hard on yourself. We have so much to process. I think, at least this is IMHO, that as long as these episodes decrease over time and the intensity lessons with each one, this is progress. I haven't had a meltdown since this last one and I'm hoping not to ever again but I won't be surprised if I do. I just think this is part of the healing process. (((NJG)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone.... for years I was asking my wife what was wrong... why can't you sleep... Once, out of nowhere she once mentioned divorce. That night I ran away, my inability to communicate properly to my wife when she had some courage to talk. I could not understand why we needed MC. She saw my hurt and later said she was sorry. See, I thought I was a good man, a good provider, a great father to my kids, a lover to my wife, we did stuff all the time together, I showered her with diamonds and gifts, I was nice to her unlike so many of the couples we hung around with…we never had fights. I took pride in my behavior, my trust. It was what I thought was a perfect relationship. For years I was wondering?? And even I would say to her, “Why don’t you want me anymore?” It was always, maybe it’s the pill or I need to get a check up, it’s a female thing… I accepted that and always found ways to focus on my own happiness. I was always very good in doing things that make me happy. I was having thoughts about “what if my wife was killed in car accident… me finding a new W”… I too was thinking about slipping into an A… fantasying about being in a new relationship… I cannot remember thinking D… but inside, I knew something was not right… but never could talk to my W about it… At first after dday, my wife tried to blame me for not giving her the attention she needed. Yes, I worked a lot… but when I crossed her boundaries of working too much, not giving her enough romance, it was up to her to TELL ME! She was too afraid, took advantage of other attractions, and accepted the advances of some other miserable fucker…

I may have shown you this before…

And my story… The romance was wonderful…Within 3 years, she started the disillusionment. And me? Working, playing golf, making myself happy. Her first affair was about trying to find romance again, but she was married to me. We moved to a different state. Our kids were born with her mostly happy and several years of faithfulness. My wife was still searching and in need for romance, something in life was missing, excitement, or whatever. Her job found that missing hole… to love another man for 8 years. But, It was misery in her mind. She compartmentalized to make it livable. And me? Working hard, making myself happy… adjusting to what God had given me. Then, the misery found me. The misery when discovered. Misery cannot even define it enough. I could leave my marriage with my faith still true in my mind, but my sweet Louise encouraged me to Retrouvaille… this program can help you keep your promise to God and also to know how to have a deeper, truer, marriage relationship. Retrouvaille can teach you to the Awaking.

I think to stay in your M… the couple must re-commit to the M… to make a decision together that you will both work to reconnect, you both will do desire builder, not desire destroyers. You both recommit to making a decision to love each other as a marriage is suppose to be. You both commit to the awakening. This means the betrayed spouse will need to working through all the pain. It means you need to accept you will think about all the hurtful things and accept they will pop in you brain often, and it will still hurt. This means you will tell your spouse when the cross a boundary, when you hurt, how you feel… and they in turn, need to care enough about you that they will not make you hurt, will make you feel safe, do acts of love, make you priority in life. And visa versa! If one peron fails in the effort.. Just D. Today, I can see some awaking in my marriage… sometimes, I have this real deep happiness coming back in my soul.

Honest… I could have sex everyday. As Iwant always says, men are just wired that way. I think you have a huge problem with your H and I think you are doing the right thinks toward making yourself happy. Saying “He still talks about the fact that I didn't get an operation "down there" to tighten me up. I'm "too loose".” this is flat out evil! A man does not need that to have an ejaculation… That is flat out ridiculous. Maybe he needs a penis enlargement! Tell him to go see the doctor because you are too much of a woman for him to handle! Him saying that is far from loving.. I am glad you can see that? “THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM!!!!” YES YES YES!! Know that some people cannot change… He does not sound like a good man.

Tryingtofindout… glad you found some happiness yesterday.. Your H and my daughter have same b’day… coincidence perhaps… Peace be with you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:29 AM, March 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/compartmentalizing.asp
Honest - this is a great article in the healing library on comparmentalizing. I think it might be helpful too if you asked your H to read it.
There is also another concept that I am trying to find a description of and will post it when I do called, Cognitive Distortion. This really helps the BS see how our S's self-talk convinces them that the BS is the one at fault. All of your H's nonsense about you not be sexually available enough or being "too loose" are examples of this. He is in great need of C'ing and I am glad to hear you are seeking legal advice for yourself.
"THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM." You can count on that!!!! ((((Honest)))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately the link for cognitive distortion that was posted on SI a while ago is no longer available but I did print it for myself so I'll post it here. I don't remember who posted this but it was very helpful to me and hope it will help others as well.
"Cognitive distortion: It's what a WS must do to justify an A. What's included:
*rewriting your marital history to focus on and magnify anything negative AND delete all the good time AND just make up bad stuff to fill in as needed whatever it takes to paint your entire relationship as a big mistake.
*distort the BS: focus on and magnify all faults; ignore all the good qualities; overall paint the BS in a very bad light and as a big disappointment in every way; and make up bad stuff to fill in as needed.
*distort the OP: paint them as flawless; a perfect match, a soulmate; full of wisdom, etc, etc.
*distort their home/family life; falsely paint even their relationship with the kids as negative.
The cognitive distortions become REAL to WS in an A, enabling them to easily detach from their failures of a wife, disappointing children, and horrible, miserable home life.
Essentially they lie to themselves and OP."
I actually had my H in MC'ing make a list of what my H's cognitive distortions were and a separate list of what are real legitimate disappointments about our M and we discussed these together. Of course I made my list too.
It really helped my H see how he had twisted reality in order to continue in his LTA. When they have to acknowledge out loud to others, such as MCs or their ICs, I believe it really helps them to see the ridiculousness of their thought processes.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

your pre-a marriage was alot like mine and so many of us...your ws's behavior was put into place so that he had justification for what he knew he was doing...i have learned so much, first when a really good freind of mine went through this 15 years ago, and then through my own and then reading here....

justification is huge, it is blameshifting, gaslighting, denial, self denial all on ws part...the ws is unable to accept their own behavior for what it truly is..and especially for us in the lta category...the ws needs to justify their behavior in order to be able to keep it up...if they cannot justify it then guilt will win out...and for us our ws's had no guilt, and what little guilt they did have was usually twisted...my ws did guilt by emotionally and verbally abusing me and kids less..although i didn't see the "less"...you either do it or you don't.....

anyways...everything you felt prior to learning of his a was between you and him...and you believed that whatever issues you both had, it only had to do with the 2 of you....now you find out that it wasn't just between the 2 of you and changes how you see all of it, because now you have more of the true picture, and you also recognize that it had/has nothing to do with you or even what was wrong with your marriage..."she" becomes an enemy someone else to focus on...and you feel slighted because your marriage was not even given a fair shot at being what you believed it to be....and now you have a reason for your marriage not being all it should have been and if not for this reason your marriage would have been different, instead of viewing it as you both having issues...your issues would have been null and void if he never strayed, because he would never have been the man he became.....

and your karma bus will make its trip...but not at your hand...when that bus does its deed it is ALWAYS much more satisfying when you have nothing to do with it, when you could step back knowing that you have total class and self respect and did not stoop to her level of someone who wouldn't know class and respect in any way shape and form....

and btw are you afraid of losing him or the idea of what you thought you could have had?

twokids:

We seem to be different people, but I couldn't tell you precisely what lead to our metamorphoses. And I don't know how long it will last, but I am grateful to have hope back in my life
.

i truly hope for you sake that this is for real this time, but i think your hope should be cautiously optomistic..especially if mc and ic is not a part of your lives....


honest:

After dday, it hurt so much more because it felt like I put up with all his BS and HE cheats on ME???? I was just as unhappy or even more so, and I didn't cheat.

I CAN RELATE TO THIS IN A REALLY REALLY BIG WAY.....i sacrificed so much pretty much from the getgo, the one thing though that i held on to was when he and i were dating, before we got engaged...this time felt truly "magical" in so so many ways...but he blew that out of the water too, because #1 was firmly in place before he ever knew me....but i put up with so much shit from him and his horrible family for "THIS"....its was the biggest slap in the face...it still stings...

He still blames me for the A because he wasn't satisfied with the quantity or quality of our sex life. He said he was "sexually abused"....that we didn't have sex as often as he wanted. Even going for 2-3 days without it was a hardship for him.

I'm the only one he has ever really loved. But it wasn't enough. He says that he felt sex is 50% of the marriage.

felt he was being honest for the first time.

the only honesty in all that he has said was he is sharing his justifications that he gave to himself to be able to do and to continue his behavior....this is not honesty

I am NOT accepting this, but it helped me to see more clearly that it's not me. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM!!!!

and this is really really good for you and for your healing....

After DDay#2, the fog has lifted, the novocaine has worn off , but I can see more clearly now, but am in so much more intense pain.

i understand this so well, the pain is indescribable, it is just the deepest pain you have ever felt, so much so that you feel it physically as well...and you need to let it...until you acknowledge it all you cannot let it go....you cannot change what you do not acknowledge..so as much as it hurts, feel it, feel it all...and then let it go.....and i know first hand how hard this is, but it is necessary because you deserve to heal from this.....

trying: i am glad that bus stopped at her house...that is always a good thing...but honestly i would have wished for you to keep your plans and let him be alone on his birthday, he did not deserve your time and he is being a successful cake-eater here...going back and forth between both of you because both of you will allow it and take whatever you can get...and you deserve so much better then that....

the one positive thing though is that she will know that he chose to spend it with you instead of being by her side in her time of need....

tryn: i am loving reading your posts, you and your wife have come such a long way...


fnf: what a cool thought...i could say something, put it out there and create it...i am actually reading so many books on exactly that, your thoughts create..but to do it on that scope would be a dream come true...then one of my childhood dreams of turning into a witch just like bewitched would be a reality...

fnf: you are sounding really really good these days, i think your truly finding a place of contentment..and whatever else that is going on with you, you are actively working through it...

lh2: your latest drop ins are showing me someone who is standing on her own 2 feet, much more confident in who she is and who she is still becomming...so yay for you hon

njgal:

I do think that it will just take time.
Like recovering from a death, we will never forget that it happened but we will eventually be able to smile and live our lives and be happy.
(As long as our spouses are remorseful and truly comitted to making the marriage work.)
And, yes....
I am definitely still on that roller coaster...

yes you are on that rollercoaster, but eventually you will have more climbs up with less down slides...

its hard to trigger less when we are constantly baragged by these celebrities who are just as human as the rest of us...and just as stupid as our ws's....our culture for the demand of all of this has gotten so out of hand...interrupting regular tv shows to bring us a live statement from tiger woods is riduculous....we live in a society that is too wrapped up in all this crap...but with us working on who we are, on healing ourselves and looking at these celebrities as just people, like people here on si, we could relate to them, we could sypathizee with them and we could pray for them as we do here on si. and we could see that noone is immune from this..perspective could change everything..how you choose to look at anything and everything chooses how to feel about it...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
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Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

Judging from the length of your last post, you seem to be getting back to your pre operation self. It is good to see that you are having such a speedy recovery.

trynhard.

Does your mind clearing method work on getting rid of a stupid song that is stuck in your head? I hate when that happens, especially if it is a song I dislike anyway.

forgivenotforget.

The negative aspect of the cognitive distortion is a ever present theme with my W. One small criticism will cancel out 50 compliments. I have known for years that this part of her illness played a big part in her ability to have the LTA. I never have been a super critical person, but that does not matter. Like most everyone else I do at times complain about things. She remembers those times and therefore discounts my praise. When she was trying to explain how this A happened, she said, "sometimes people can just say all the right things." He may have done that, but what he probably did not say was really in his favor. I bet he never said anything critical of her. Why would he? They were in la la land. He was getting to score, so there was nothing to gripe about.

Honest.

You H is really full of shit. I agree with tryinhard. If he brings up that too loose crap again, tell him the problem is his size, not yours.

Tribe.

The size/loose stuff reminds me of a old joke. What are the three worst words a woman can say to a man? "Is it in?"

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


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