Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip:

The size/loose stuff reminds me of a old joke. What are the three worst words a woman can say to a man? "Is it in?"

hopefully dip you have never heard these words..


you seem to be getting back to your pre operation self.

i seem to have my dipstickitis back.. ...i probably should reread it, i am sure my ramblins at some points or even most to all points may not have made sense...i have that problem sometimes, know it so well in my head..then i start typing..

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, March 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: You're right, I did sound calm in my post, and I seem to stay a little calmer when I talk about it, but that darn rollercoaster keeps on going. the dips seem to so much lower now. I seem to be ok, and not running around in a full fog all the time, but it suddenly hits WHAM!!! out of nowhere, and obvious trigger or not and I have to literally stop and catch my breath. The pain is so intense!!

Tryn: Thank you so much for your response. It's good to get a guy's pov. I have a funny friend to whom I told this story to and she said something similar....and called him,,, ahem "pencil dick" (don't mean to offend anyone with "dirty language")

forgivenforget: I'll look for that article. I really think he did that. He has really justified all his actions and he acts like HE was the victim all these years and HE suffered!!! He told me he SACRIFICED. WTF???

Iwantamiracle: You have such insightful and profound posts:

the only honesty in all that he has said is that he is sharing his justifications that he gave to himself to be able to do and to continue his behavior.....this is not honesty.

Thank you for that insight. You are absolutely right. He is not even being honest with himself. I don't think he can ever admit that he was wrong with this. He will NEVER go to counseling, that I'm sure of. As for healing....I hope I can do that right this time. It took me so long to do it the first time with my first xWH and then this WH cheated when we were dating (YES hit me with the 2x4's!!!!) but he gaslighted and told me all these stories and reasons why etc and begged me to marry him, etc etc...all the crap I wanted so desparately to hear and being the romantic, emotional idiot, I said yes. I realize now, after reading on this site so long, that that betrayal wasn't addressed properly nor did I fully heal. He kept apologizing and saying it would never happen again because we were married (HAH) and I would cry at times, but all in all it was swept under the rug. So this betrayal hurts so much more badly. I'm mad at myself for not listening to my gut 17 years ago.
Do you think it's ok to put some of the hurt away and take out a little at a time and deal with it? I think I say what so many of us have said, "Please, just make the pain go away!" or "I just want the pain to stop!"

old dipstick: LOL, thanks for the joke! God, what an ass WH is!!

Why do we BS's believe the crap they give us? My xWH used to always say my thighs were too heavy, although I was slender everywhere else. My current WH never said anything about my thighs or body, just that one area.

But these criticizms make us focus on these so called "faults". I guess we always want to know WHY and we'll grasp at straws.

Even today, I see couples who seem at least content with each other. I see older couples and younger couples. I see a lot of women talking in impatient and mean tones to their H. I would never have talked to my H like that. So, what was I thinking, "I guess she gives him all he wants in bed.....I guess she's really tight and satisfies him, that's why he stays...."
How unhealthy is that?

WH saying he might be looking for OW #3 here because I don't satisfy him, but he's not looking there, I guess and he didn't say because she does??? I have to stop obsessing about this idiotic subject like my whole worth is just between my legs.

I read an interesting article in a mag once. It was not infidelity related, but it made some sense if you put it in terms of how an OW can be foremost in WH minds: The author, a guy, was discussing phyical attraction/chemistry with the opposite sex. He said that besides personality, respect, getting along, etc, chemistry was also very important. He cited dating one woman that they couldn't get enough of each other. BUT they fought like crazy and couldn't get along at all, but as crazy at it sounds, he said he'd burn off his eyebrows for her at the time. They finally broke up and now, years later, when he looks at her picture, he thinks how toxic the relationship was, and it was like he was addicted to drugs that were really bad for him.
Something to think about, and understandable in a shorter A, but these LTA's? Maybe. I guess I'm still with the WHY? and I don't deserve it, and I'm a good person. etc.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest: your wh is a complete jack ass. Plain and simple. I'm sorry this sorry excuse for a human being is bringing you down. Please don't let him.
I understand the mindset you are in - my h & I are having some issues with sex (only since the A) & in the past I've asked him if I just didnt feel "right" (I did have 4 kids) to him. He denied it and I still worried about it for a while, so I can imagine how you feel when your wh is actually saying these horrible things to you.
I think the A causes everyone to be more fragile & vulnerable, it takes so little to upset us & our self-esteem just keeps getting beat up. Your h is completely ridiculous. I know on SI we tend to be everyone's biggest cheerleader, but I really do mean it. NO ONE else would ever say something like this to you.
Ugh - I just want to hit him for you.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

girls, girls, girls...you need to stop looking at yourselves for the faults...how loose, how tight, too fat, too skinny, too anything...you are not the reason...any and every fault he finds in you are truly diffiencies within himself...

a long time ago i also came to the conclusion that people who are close to you, when they point out all these things that they feel are wrong with you are really reflections of themselves....and when i say close to you does not necessarily mean that they love or like you...people will find the faults that they hate about themselves and reflect that onto another...

for instance...my inlaws did this alot...i have been called paranoid, a dictator and many many more things that are just way out there...and for the longest time i could not understand how they could call me these things, some of them were really out there like paranoid...that i would look at my husband and ask him where that one came from...and then came the aha moment and it came with the paranoid comment...they were the ones who were paranoid...and then i started looking at all the things that i was accused of or called and realized that every single one of them was truly a reflection of who they were...

i also have learned that when someone is accusing you of something that is out there, its probably because they themselves are guilty of it...like the husband who is jealous and is constantly asking his wife if she is sleeping around...he is probably the one sleeping around....granted this is not always the case, but it is the case more often then not....

i have read quite a few books lately on reading people...and had this actually confirmed...i love it when i have a aha moment and then have it confirmed...i feel so smart when i have felt so stupid..

Do you think it's ok to put some of the hurt away and take out a little at a time and deal with it? I think I say what so many of us have said, "Please, just make the pain go away!" or "I just want the pain to stop!"

if only there really is such a thing as a little at a time...and yes this is most intense pain i have ever felt, losing my dad was a piece of cake compared to this, and i have heard many women here on si even say that being raped was not as painful...the person you love most in this world has chosen to hurt you...this is not a stranger but someone whom you love and trust....

if you find a way to take it out a little at time, go for it, but is all needs to be dealt with most especially if you do not you will surely never heal properly leaving you open to choose the wrong partner in the future....and i know hearing that you can choose a new partner in the future can be daunting at best...i suffer from that cinderella syndrome...i want a kisa....i think that is why i kept waiting for my ws to step and becomen him, he never did, not with his family and most certainly not with this whole mess...so i decided i will wait no more, and have since decided to heal myself, he is incapable...and when i am able to i will move on...someone either is your hero or he is not...waiting for someone can leave you waiting forever...wanting someone to do what should come naturally is never going to make it so...we just end up waiting and wanting...not a happy state of being...

o.k. i think i have rambled enough...


one more thing though...

I

just want to hit him for you

would love it if we could line them up, all of them and yes hit them, again and again.....its not the high road.. ...but it could be so satisfying.. ...

side note: when pfm was outed to the mow's bh by me he was worrried that the bh would beat him up...i wanted that to happen so badly... ...but alas it did not happen... ...i am so not a violent person...but one can dream...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - on that last note -my h is now not going to a fundraiser at work because I said I would be going with him & while I would not initiate contact with ow (if she was there), if she was stupid enough to come near him or me, it would get ugly fast. I have never been in a fight in my life, but even my husband knows that I have too much rage (and plenty of muscle) to back it up.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw this in the paper today... By Carolyn Hax / The Washington Post

On choosing not to divorce a spouse who cheated:
It was a rough road for us for a couple of years, but when my husband finally died after 35 years of marriage, I was so thankful we worked it out. I guess the biggest help to me was when I realized that his cheating wasn't about sex (our sex life was great); it was about filling a need where he was lacking, and sex was the solution he chose.

I came to realize what the real problem was. I, too, still loved him, although never the same way as before the affair, but I know I would have never been happy with anyone else.

One of the things I would change if I could is this: I deliberately held a part of myself back from him for the rest of our married life. He knew it and accepted it; however, the year before he died (he had cancer), I knew there was nothing he could do that would hurt me more than his dying, and so I let myself love him 100 percent. It was the happiest, most wonderful feeling I have ever had. All those years when I was subconsciously punishing him, I was also punishing myself.

It will be the hardest work you will ever do, but if you hang in there and you both work at it, it will be worth the effort.

It's just so damn hard to think.. make your brain believe... you just let it go... Yep Dip... like getting that stupid song out of your head

It's wierd how some days I want to know... does my wife miss him? Is it too because I have belly.. even at the healthy weight range I had it? Was I not attractive? Desirable? and I want to know.. I need affirmation all the time, yet it never seems to be enough when I do get it... and some days I just could care less...

How the heck am I to get to total peace? Does my W have to get death cancer for me to achieve this total happiness?

Allgoodnamesgone... that "it could get ugly feeling" may be with you for some time... I still want to sucker punch OM when I see him. I know I could break his jaw easy... then know I would feel horrible too.. he would have me arrested and lawsuit... it sucks... I have told my wife to look out... OMW wants to kill you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:55 AM, March 26th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

No I have never heard those three words. On the flip side I have never heard hung like a horse either.

Your posts always make sense. Clear, concise and directly to the point.

pfm should have been scared. One thing I know is that if I ever become involved with another woman, the chances of her being attached would be small. The only reason that my Ws LTA partner did not get put in the hospital is when I knocked on his door he would not come out and play. I did not even have a weapon, I was just going to do it with my bare hands. He hid like a little girl. When I asked my W why OM was such a coward, she claimed that he knew he would not stand a chance with me. How did he know that? Because she told him. That information just made me more brave, so several days later I looked him up again. He still hid. It is a wonder he did not shoot me. She said he always had a gun when he traveled. I figured I was safe as long as I did not turn my back on him. He was a cowardly backshooter type.

You mentioned the WSs being jealous. My W has always been that way. She also flat out accused me of having As twice. This was during her LTA.

I interviewed a IC a few days ago. After I told him my problems and goals he said that he felt like I would need to get my W in IC and later MC in order to help me. He said if she did not seek treatment for her personality disorders, the outlook for him to help me was not very good. He said he could try to do just me, but he felt like we would be walking in circles, wasting my time and money. He even recommended a different IC for her, so I don't think he was just trying to make extra money by wanting her to be in IC.

The problem with this is the last time I spoke of C, she said I needed it not her. Very typical for a WS and typical for a boarderline personality disorder person. I guess I can try again. The BPD is hard to deal with.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn - I like that excerpt. I'm definitely holding back. One day I'll give 100%, but not now.
And Dip - I hear ya- my h is going to ic "not that it's going to do anything". At least it's a start.
I met with his IC earlier this week to give my perspective. He told me my h is trying (I seriously disagree)but just doesn't get it (I completely agree).
He said that if my h wants to be with me then he's going to have to change. (Good luck with that). He also said that I might have to accept that I'm not going to get what I want. (No shit)
Anyway - hope everyone has a nice weekend. I will be scrambling for Easter presents for my kids.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your support and insights. I feel so badly that I'm coming on here and asking for so much help and not giving much in return. I want to....just in so much pain and trying to survive.

DS age 34 comes over today. I hadn't heard from him in over a week. He's angry with me. He's telling me that I have been putting up with WH for over 15 years (it's 17) and been complaining about this and that for a long time. Yes, it's true that I hadn't been exactly happy (now I know why...LTA can do that, it was an underlying current that I felt somehow but didn't see)
I had told DS many times over the years that I was going to stay and work on the marriage because of his brothers (half brothers).

Now DS is really upset. He wants action NOW. How could I put up with WH all these years? How could I have even considered R (false R)? Why am I not fighting and D'ing NOW?
I know DS has his own issues and just had knee surgery from an accident at work. I realize that WH has been jealous of DS all these years (the attention I was giving him..)
God, just writing that is making me realize what I fool I've been so many years with WH!
I can't just run out and D WH immediately. There are a lot of issues involved, a lot of financial issues that even 2 lawyers agreed that I might be better off with a post nup or legal separation. DS says he'll pay all the lawyer's fees if I fight. I don't want to have a nasty fight that I'm not sure I'm going to win financially and I feel all will lose emotionally in the end.

Thank you everyone for listening. My heart is racing all the time. I have to go to another lawyer today, by myself again....like I do everything and always have.

I just don't understand. I've always been independent, done everything on my own. xWH said to someone that honest just doesn't want to be alone. Current WH said I just wanted him to be there (in a cage). I've been lonely for so long.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:12 PM, March 26th (Friday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Honest))
Cheer up sweetie. It can only get better from here.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something to think about, and understandable in a shorter A, but these LTA's? Maybe. I guess I'm still with the WHY? and I don't deserve it, and I'm a good person. etc.

Please sweetie. This is nothing to do with you or you not being a good person. Nothing. It is all about him. It becomes an LTA because nothing happens to stop it.
They get past that stage of thinking perhaps they should finish it. Maybe they cant finish it for whatever reason. It becomes habit. Normal. Their alternative and parallel life. And when they are in that other life, it has no impact on their real life. And vice versa.
I truly wish WHs had been a fling, I might have been able to live with that.
you are not the reason...any and every fault he finds in you are truly diffiencies within himself...

Well said. And very true.

I feel so badly that I'm coming on here and asking for so much help and not giving much in return. I want to....just in so much pain and trying to survive.

Early days still. And a lot to deal with. Dont worry, this is how it works. One day you will feel able to put out a welcoming hand to a newbie, identify with them and tell them just what we said to you when you arrived in pieces. Baby steps hon.

And I had lunch with a SI sister who is also LTA survivor and three years out. Know what? We laughed! Our stupid WHs and their stupid lies and their stupid affairs. Yep. We laughed. Hoping to see her at the London GTG planned for June.

Hugs tribe. Gentle hugs for m33 and miracle.

And now Im off down the pub.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin - I love that article. I guess the only difference for me would be that I am not holding back to punish him but to protect myself. Our MC calls it "the protector self" and I know my protector self is still in place. One day maybe I'll be ready to let my wall down completely but for the time being, I'm perfectly content feeling that I have not fully let my H back in.
Dip - that IC sounds like a good one. I'm sorry your W doesn't feel she needs one but don't hesitate to go for yourself, especially if he is willing to see you on those bad days. I have stopped going on a regular basis but every now and then I just need to go to help me through a rough patch. It really does help.
UKG - a June London GTG - boy does that sound tempting.
Have a great time and don't forget to post pics. Btw, who did you meet up with (if it's ok to say)?
I think about our GTG often and am so glad I was able to meet with you, LH and the others.
Miracle - great post! I so agree with you and wish that those who let their S's criticisms hurt them and their self-esteem will very soon come to believe the truth that it is ALL about their WS's issues and lack of self-esteem and poor self images.
Have a great weekend tribe.
Hugs to all!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, March 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: that article made me sad and a bit jealous...but not for long...i know i will have good things for me in the future, and i will find a better partner, one who will step up and be the man i so richly deserve...which in turn means he deserves me ...i think i am an amazing person most of them time.. ..i do like me and who i am as a person..sometimes i even make myself laugh...

dip:

the chances of her being attached would be small

i would hope that the chance would be nil...it is one thing to get involved with someone single...quite another if they are attached to someone...i know i never will do that to another person, its just not right, and i don't think you would be able to do that either...

of course that could change if both spouses are in marriages like mine..name only...but i still would want some kind of proof...after all the world is full of liars..we are all married to some of them..

He said if she did not seek treatment for her personality disorders, the outlook for him to help me was not very good.

this sounds like one very smart ic indeed...because if she still refuses to get help it means you will be settling for all that she is now forever...it will never get better it will be just as it is now....however that being said...how you choose to perceive who she is and how you choose to live your life with her can change..you cannot change her, you can only change you and your perspective...the question is...will that be enough for you? will you be happy or at the very least content living your life this way?

allgood:

I'm definitely holding back. One day I'll give 100%, but not now.

if he doesn't earn it you will probably never give it...if he does earn it then yay for both of you...

honest:

I feel so badly that I'm coming on here and asking for so much help and not giving much in return. I want to....just in so much pain and trying to survive.

you have nothing to feel bad for...like ukgirl said one day you will pay it forward, when you are ready, when you have done some healing...this is not something to rush, feel guilty for or worry about...that is what is so wonderful about this site, all stages are covered...


Now DS is really upset. He wants action NOW. How could I put up with WH all these years? How could I have even considered R (false R)? Why am I not fighting and D'ing NOW?

you know i understand how a child is upset for his parent, how he doesn't want you to settle, how he doesn't want you to be taken advantage of, how he wants you to throw your sorry husbands ass out and damn the consequences....but and this is a big but..you are the one who has to feel all of this, you are the one who has to have had enough.....you are the one who will have to live with your consequences.....tell your son that while you appreciate his sentiments in wanting to see you happy and this man not happy for causing you so much pain that you will deal with this entire sich the way you see fit to do so...and that you do appreciate him being there for you but you need for him to back off a bit so that you may do what you need to do.....

he is being very protective of you in a very unprductive way...he is trying to help in so many ways..but he cannot...you need to do alot of this on your own for your own progression to your next step in this very daunting process....and yes you are in pain, probably around the clock, everything is a trigger, and nothing seems to bring you solace...which makes it all the more important for you to put yourself right again, so that you can stay that way and build your strength on it and off it....you will get there, but it will take t i m e..and you have an awful lot of stuff to deal with, to sort out, to sort through, to dispose of and finally to start putting some good stuff back into your life....

come here as often as you need for whatever support you need...sometimes just typing it out can be cathartic for ones soul..and you need some of that solace..even if you journal it all privately....get it out..purge all that you feel..


and stop listening to your xwh and this wh...they obviously do not know who you are and who you were...they doen't even know who they are how could they know you...do not take stock in what others say about where you should be in your life and what you want in your life..no one knows you better then you...and you have this unique opportunity now to learn even more about what an amazing person i think you are...take this time to try and go "within" to find what you seek..we all have it, not always easy to tap into it, but it is there....journalling will help you...you have already survived so much, your capabilities i am sure at times astound you....well there is so much more then that to "you"

fnf:

I am not holding back to punish him but to protect myself. Our MC calls it "the protector self" and I know my protector self is still in place. One day maybe I'll be ready to let my wall down completely but for the time being, I'm perfectly content feeling that I have not fully let my H back in.

i do this too...but its all bunch a bullshit you know...because it all still hurts...the only difference is you are expecting it...we do build these big brick walls...but really they are made of putty....we tend to think we are protecting ourselves, but in fact we are just walling ourselves in, and the pain still finds its way in....i still build my walls, because i want to be prepared, but the hurt is not any less then if the walls were not there....and trust,,,,that just does not exist...i think those that choose to trust again will have a tendancy to get hurt worse then they did before, because if you are trusting there are no walls, through choice there are no walls...and when you choose to trust again and that trust is broken its always worse,,,its why the trickle truth is so deadly...you chose to believe what was said...til you get to the point where you believe nothing, because believing will end up leaving you in worse shape...each new discovery still hurts but not the same depth....

so fnf what kind of walls have you built?


ukgirl: sound like a lovely lunch...and i wish i could join you guys in june....who know maybe someday i will plan an adventure to london to meet with you and some of the others...i remember looking at last years pix of all of you sitting at the table, i actually studied your faces and held each of you within my heart...you have all meant so much to me and my salvation especially when i was the newbie...and i would love to hug each of you in person....

i would love to meet everyone, especially from lta...si people feel like family...the 1 g2g that i attended was awesome no one from lta was there but me, but the hugs irl kind of feel like you are being plugged in to recharge....especially from the posters you come to know well...

(((tribe)))

i will be around for the weekend...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no idea people from this site actually met each other in person. I really would love to do that! I assume drinks would have to be involved wouldn't they? Lol - I'm a lightweight drinker these days, I would definitely need a taxi home - unless it's in the UK - I dont even have a passport (that's how infrequently I travel).
Miracle -
...you chose to believe what was said...til you get to the point where you believe nothing, because believing will end up leaving you in worse shape.
Damn that's so true.
O - Miracle - if I was you I would be suggesting we get together at the beach!
By the way, just a prediction: I'm going to have a miserable day. (Don't you love it when you know this in advance, before the day has even begun?)
All week, I've bounced from anger to despair to depression. Wrote my h a letter yesterday am, telling him how I felt and what I expected - how I really need for him to start engaging in meaningful conversations with me about us. Anyway, I wound up not giving it to him since there was really nothing in it that hasn't been said before. But, I was still upset all day & finally told him how I had been feeling all week and added that I dont want to live in fear anymore - especially when I can't control it (meaning whether he is still with ow). He asked what I wanted to do. I told him I just wanted him to know how I feel and to understand that I am a more fragile & vulnerable person now & I need to be reassured more frequently. So, he asked if I wanted to try to go out tonight and told me he loved me. (I've told him that this phrase really doesnt work any magic since he's been able to say it at will to ow, to me... I havent reminded him of this lately because I dont think its productive for me to criticize or complain, which is how I think he views it.)
I really don't feel like going out at all. And, last night, I have to say my mood instantly improved after he left (he worked overnight).
I'm just not in a good mood, and I have a feeling that will not be turned around, especially given what else is in store for me today. (He worked overnight so he could have today off & attend a work sports event. The event starts at noon, but he's going to leave pretty much as soon as he gets home from the overnight shift so he can tail-gate before the event. I'm sure he's going to have too much to drink & come home full of testosterone. And who knows if he will even come home right after the event, it's more likely they'll go out to dinner, then more drinks...) And, at this point, I pretty much hate everyone he works with and anything to do with his job even though this is completely irrational.
(And, to think I was just going to wish everyone a good morning and just go work my farm on facebook...)
Thanks for listening all & I really would love to do a get together one day - but I dont get the impression there's many New Yorkers on LTA.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:47 AM, March 27th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: i wish i could wave a magic wand and make you feel better about everything especially yourself....

question: i always have them, sorry....but why does your husband get to have such a huge social life right now?, i understand work could sometimes overlap with social activity, but his seems to do so to the extreme...

and i hate the beach, would happily go if it meant meeting an si member, would prefer to be in my own pool...we have a really great pool in the backyard....we never really took family vacations, all the money my ws made from his second job was used on and in the house, so i have this really great house with lots of great faetures, and this has become such a paradox for so many reasons....anyways i am open for anything really for a g2g....travel though to far away lands in not possible right now...so it would hae be ny/nj based....there just was a g2g in atlantic city last weekend, obviously right after my surgery that wasn't possible, but i am looking forward to next years there..

(((allgood))) wish it could be irl, i sense you need some tlc, the kind where someone just hugs you tight and brings you a good cup of tea, or a glass of wine...and maybe a box of puffs to blow your nose...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - my husband has always had a huge social life - but not in his eyes. In fact, he's always stated in response to my complaints about the same that he barely goes out at all. (Meanwhile he was lying to me & going out more than I even knew).
And today's function has nothing to do with work obligations - it's not like he "had" to go - he's just meeting up with a few friends to watch an event.
I'd say he goes out 1x a month with friends (all single to my knowledge) and goes out for drinks (to someone's house) 1x week after playing ball.
Why does he have a huge social life? Because he is friends with tons of single & divorced guys that go out all the time and because he has me to take care of kids while he goes out.
I truly feel that if we were separated (we were really planning on staying in the same house) it would be the best of both worlds - doesn't change the money, gets to see the kids whenever but still gets to live a life of a single man.
He says that's not what he wants, but I think he is kidding himself.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out that ow IS going to be at the fundraiser for work that my husband mentioned - it's in 2 weeks even tho she doesnt work there anymore. (I found this out through my snooping on the internet).
I dont know why I'm so mad as h already said he wouldnt go.
I guess because I see she's never going away. She transferred 7 months ago & she's still going to work related social events at his location.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey allgood... Something you said inspired me...

I call this... "I love you" Tell me, "what does that mean after you cheated?"

A phrase with no magic today is passes right through.... you said it before, you say it again.

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:06 PM, March 27th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: your h sound alot like he doesn't want to change a thing....and unfortunately you will come to resent this if it does not change...and resentment breeds contempt which will be really really hard on you and your marriage...

allgood you are going to have to decide what you are willing to accept and what you are not, and then the consequences...without consequences or without incentive people rarely change...there is no need to....

and yes your mad she will be there, you want what we all want for the op's to disappear, to slither away...

tryn i love that pic for allgood...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 3:52 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey everybody ... been a few days since I been on here ...

busy with school ...

anyway I posted in D/S and may have screwed up ... but that's me ... that is what I do ...

really good for awhile then I do something stupid and it erases all the good I did and I start all over ...

grrrrrrrrrrr ... someday I will get the hang of it ... sooner than later I hope ...

anyway sounds pretty busy in here ... glad to hear everyone is in pretty good spirits ... welcome to the rollercoaster ... hang on it is a crazy surprising ride ...

but when you get on one of those highs and you feel good ... member to set yourselves up for success when you get into the lows ... they will be much easier to handle if you have coping things, friends ect in place to call on ...

much harder to be in a low trying to find your way around ... but if you have provided yourself flashlights and batteries you have light to lead you out ...

I am dork ... wish I could just say what I wanna say without all those analogies ... oh well ... hope it makes sense ... if not hope it makes you laugh at least ...

iwant happy to hear you are up and about and doing better ...

hugs to everyone else and strength ....

*tribe*


I am fiercely independent and I wont apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.