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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: some sad truths in your post. This is what I've been thinking lately - that he has now experienced the kind of excitement, etc of an affair. He obviously liked it as he kept it up for so long & had no plans of stopping it. They would still be together if I didnt catch them. This petrifies me to my core. He is still in this job - surrounded by plenty of single people & enough single women to make me uncomfortable. My h is very handsome & very fun to be around. He has plenty of friends & He obviously has no idea how to keep boundaries with the opposite sex. I'm just taking a "wait and see" attitude. And, thank you for your kind words.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger:

seeing this to me makes all this A bullshit worth it ... I would do it all again ... all of it ...

it is wonderful that you see the gifts of this...i see the gifts but not enough to wish it never happened....i am not that big of a person yet....so because of this "sight" you have i believe you truly are blessed as well as being a blessed one....

and yes I do hope on some level they can offer insight to someone else ... but I never thought I would help someone or someone would say such a nice heart felt thing to me ...

welcome to the "fixer" club...it really is an amazingly cool club..when we could "fix" something for someone even if it comes in the form of just being there we get our "fix"..it is almost addicting at times....it also comes with the mom hat...so often i am trying to offer sound advice, but i learned long ago to plant a seed and let it grow..very hard when you like to take control..


allgood:

To this day he will swear he never stopped loving me, ow didnt replace me, etc. I dont think that will ever make sense to me.

this is something you have in common with many...and if you think about it it is more then possible it is probable...

first off when you love 2 or more people at the same time, romantically...you love different things about them..and also because the ws is not 100% committed in the first place this becomes more then easy...if you are not 100% committed to someone you are not giving fully all you have which means there is more to be given...and because they are so needy, they take and give what is left to another....and it most certainly in the cases of every lta ws make them a cake-eater...most of our ws's never ever had any intention of leaving us, for whatever reasons and i am sure this is where they differ....because each of them had the op for whaterever was broken within themselves...so filling this need became almost inevitable...and in filling this need for more they could not dispose of what was already there...another words...they would cheat no matter who the spouse, and they would cheat on the op too...because again the ws is not giving 100% of a commitment to anyone...and to further realize if your ws is in this category just look at how many op's there were/are....i don't know if i am making any sense..think i am starting to confuse myself..
...it kind of sucks that these things are not simple to understand...even though they really are simple, especially when you are not too close to it....

one more thing: he really needs to get to the bottom of why...without the why he probably would do it again,,,he has to know why and fix it..


honest: does the ow know about you, and does she accept this sich?..and which country is involved?

ukgirl:

Too many years of being a make-do until she came back into his life. And then the lying after. His way of trying to win me and show how much he loved me was to lie.

do you want to reconcile with this man, because at this point in time you have all you are going to get from him...so if you do want to reconcile, for your sake you need to find a way to accept it hon....it does not mean that you condone it, it does not mean that you forgive him, it just means that you accept this happened and that no matter what you do this will never change....but what you can do is make sure that "NOW" is taken care of..."NOW" is where he "IS" honest, "NOW"..the "PRESENT"....it may be time to let the past go, put it in a box, and move on with what you do have....yes you will still have your triggers, and you will need to find a way to work through them, hopefully together...you are already taking back activities and places, now its time for you to take back your life....you are an amazing woman, appreciate yourself for who you are and let go of the anger...it doesn't mean that you still won't have moments but moments are moments nots, neverending days, into months, into years....switch the amount of good days with the bad ones....i know you have good ones....you do get to choose you know...and yes i know it is truly hard, choosing how to feel is one of the hardest lessons of all....and the hardest habit to break....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to introduce myself. I've been posting in the Sex Addiction thread, but have come to realize I'm also dealing with a LTA; Oct '08 - Mar '10; with the 3rd NC issued by my WH on Mar 7. It seems the longest they stay NC is a month or so. I'm lucky in that she lives in Chicago, 2000 miles away. I'm unlucky in that she is a total doormat, no integrety, no sense of self worth, and has even gone so far to apologize to my WH for sleeping with another during a period of NC.

I wish I can post more often, but I have limited ability to login.

I very much enjoy the support and wisdom of this group. I'm struggling with many of the same issues as you all, such as how can he love two women at the same time? What do I do if (when) I discover they are back in contact again? Am I strong enough to D, sell the house, and expose my boys (15, 13yo) to the challenges and life disruption that would ensue?


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((two))))

welcome to our little corner of si...

i could relate to you in a big way with the kids...i have 3 teens, 14, 16 and 17...i have decided to stay in my marriage for my kids and it is in name only...there is no longer any intamacy whatsover nor will there be...i am doing this for my kids, my ws has alot of damage to repair with my kids, one in particular and if we were to split not only would this damage probably be added too, but i am afraid for this child, he has a history of making poor choices...and at his age of 16 he is too accessible to so many things that will change his life in a really bad way...


but that was is right for me, and i could tell you it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination...if my kids were not so damaged i cannot say i would do this...


only you can decided for you what you can and cannot live with...i suggest you take 2 pieces of paper, write on top of one : staying married and on the other : leaving him...and then proceed to write out every pro and con along with each and every fear of each choice and look at the consequences of the choices....then from there you can decide which choice will bring you the most regret....sometimes it is simply choosing between a rock and a hard place where niether decision is really a choice you want to live with much less make...but you still have to choose what your path will be....so choose the one that will give you the least regrets and the most peace....but opt for the regret option ahead of all others...

and it just sucks, but it is what it is...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: Thank you for the discussion about our kind of WS not initially wanting to leave and "loving" (if you want to call it that) 2 people.
UK: WS is an US citizen. We are legally married in the US and registered in his country. In his country, it is legal to have more than one wife. OW lives in his country and they are legally married there (as we are two) it is not just bigamy, but polygamy is allowed there.
When we were going to get married, I knew that that was the case in his religion and his country, but he lied to me and told me that the first wife had to give permission and he promised me over and over again that he wouldn't do it.
All wives have equal standing there. It doesn't matter if you are the first, second, etc. or how long you are married.

He knew/knows that if he did this, it would be a deal breaker for me, that's why when he told me the "truth" (on his own) 7 mos. ago, he lied and said he divorced her, but had to still see his kids.
Now he finally admitted he has NOT divorced her, nor will he. It's up to me what I want to do. <sigh>

I don't understand him. He went back (for business) a few days ago, and is now telling me that I'm the love of his life, I"m a part of him, etc. when before he left he says we can't fix our marriage, too much hurt has happened, and it's more or less over. He'll stay legally married to me and support me and the kids. His family tells me to stay and not give up my "rights" which I take to mean not to let OW get everything by default. His family is on my side, but I know when push comes to shove, blood is thicker than water, and I understand that and am not resentful about it. It's their brother, although they think he's wrong, but they have to stick with family in the long run.

Miracle, the advice you have given about staying or leaving is good. I'll have to look at that again. It's so hard. My older sons from my previous marriage are against me staying "for the kids", especially my oldest son (34).
I feel so much outside pressure, and so much internal conflict.

Why do they (WS's) get to go off and have fun, leave a horrible mess, blame you for it, and we have to stay and deal with it? I could use a week off by myself too.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: i am a us citizen and it is illegal to have more then one wife here...so if i understand your post your ws is lying flat out....it is illegal no matter the religion....if youre religion allows it, the country does not, and therefore does not recognize a second marriage and the wife can press charges...i will double check this though....because now i am curious...what religion is he and where from the us....and where do you live?

My older sons from my previous marriage are against me staying "for the kids", especially my oldest son (34).
I feel so much outside pressure, and so much internal conflict.

respectfully it is not your son's decision to make, it is yours and yours alone....sometimes our children want what is best for them or us without thought to others...the pressure you feel is your burden, please realize that whatever pressure you feel for one decision i am sure that you would and could find more pressure for an opposite opinion....but this is still your decision and only you can make it, only you walk in your shoes, only you could know what choices you can and will be able to live with...and the choices you now face i would bet are the hardest choices you have ever had to make,...and i know this because i too faced the same choices, different people, different circumstances...but the choices are basically the same...but i am not you nor are you me...our lives are quite different..which is why my choice may not be the right one for you...

just remember to breathe, eat, exercise (healthy body helps a healthy mind)and most important..you take all the time you need to make this decision....and in the back of your mind after a certain point doing nothing is also a decision, just not one you make by choice but by default..

o.k. coming down from the soapbox now..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: thank you for your advice. I know my sitch sounds so confusing! I know that here in the US OW's marriage is not legal, but it is in thier country. I am NOT of WS's religion (muslim)and am Catholic. I live in NY.
I know he's a cake eater and probably wants to continue as such.
Thank you again for everything. I especially am grateful of your advice about oldest DS. LOL, I always say I have 2 sets of sons: 34 & 30 (from first marriage), and 14 & 11 with WH. I have been extremely blessed that they all love each other very very much and the oldest DS would stand in front of a train for his little brothers. But that's another reason oldest DS is upset because his little brothers are upset.
By the way, lovely WH told our DS's that they have 2 sisters and a baby brother. He wants them all to meet.

Never mind that's a whole other story. Damn him.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

i too am from ny...and i am still a bit bewildered but thats o.k.... sometimes i need a road map in my own neighborhood...actually more then sometimes.. i actually keep a set of atlas's in the car...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle... Yes it is something broken inside. I know I would love the idea of an A... I could have my wife and someone else too. I see beautiful ladies and think how good it would be to... well let's just say... have an A! I really think it is common for men to have these thoughts. The difference in me was always this... I NEVER let myself get into a postion to have an A... The slipperly slope... Deep in my soul I just made my marriage promise and I was going to keep it. When it came close to something, I had a way of backing out... That was me. I know alotta men like me. But I also know some that would have an A too...

twokids.. Sorry you need to post here too. We have some good posters here... And since I am fully Retrouvaille trained well read at relationships... I will alway impose my opinions... (Hint: I'm not always right, although I like to think I am ) and this...

mostly me working on R
Me Too.. but that is OK. It is making me happy... slowly I notice my wife coming home... She told me she is starting to get some happiness back. This is 18 months in the making.

Allgoodnamesgone - No way to stop him if he wants another A.. just keep your boundary... I am not going to be with someone that is a cheater... Never A 2nd chance IMO...

Ok.. Big weekend coming! Wife is taking me here...

Peace to all!

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:23 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well today I'm officially bummed yet again. I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen in a couple of months and during the course of our conversation I asked about a mutual friend who had moved out of our area last year.
Yep, you guessed it, she is in the process of a D after finding out her H was having an A.
What the hell is going on? It's all you hear anymore, whether on the news or in our own social circle.
It sure gets discouraging after a while.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 6:22 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Concerned  Posted: 5:22 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I am back and officially on Spring break till the 3-22 ... yippee !!!!

and I got my test back today that I took today and I got another 90% ... yippee !!! all thsi week tho I have to learn about the muscle system we have a quiz on the 3-22 ... I have never taught myself before this should be interesting

Also got an e-mail from the atty and he sent me copies of everything stbxwh will be served with ... I printed them and read thru them just usual stuff ...

we have our 1st court appearance on 3-29 at 9:30am ... he has to attend in person my atty will put in a motion to have me appear by phone ...

and atty will let me know when stbx is served ... I do not expect any issues in this D ... maybe on the spousal support but he will cave ...

blah ....


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got back from my son's wresting match (he came up with a mouth full of blood in the first 10 seconds...). It was UGLY. Anyway , he's fine, building character I suppose tho it looked mighty painful to me.
Just wanted to say Hi!
Tryn: have a good time on your trip.
Booger - good luck in your studies.
To the rest: may the force be with you.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
sailaway
♀ Member
Member # 23892
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep me off the computer this weekend! My h and oldest son are going to a church retreat. I have been feeling really down. Perfect opportunity to creep the OWs blog, facebook, whatever. I really don't want to but can't seem to help myself when I feel this way. This is a recipe for no good. Going to have to make sure I stay busy. Tomorrow the kids and I are spending the evening with my friend. Maybe we will mall crawl on Saturday- see Alice in Wonderland. Tell me to stay away!


"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." W.B.Yeats

Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, March 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

I would love the idea of an A... I could have my wife and someone else too. I see beautiful ladies and think how good it would be to.
..

i dont think this is what you want, i think the idea of having sex with someone else can be exciting for you, i get that...but what you really want is the whole package..and your wife is for you the whole package...

the place you are going to looks awesome, where is it?..


fnf:

What the hell is going on? It's all you hear anymore, whether on the news or in our own social circle

first i tend to agree to a certain point about hearing about infidelity, it deos seem to be this neverending stream of people both in real life and the famous...

but i have also noticed that whenever we humans go through an event that is big to us, it seems to happen all around us..take the saying about death, comes in 3's...earthquakes, tornados, cancer..the list in endless...or maybe we are just more aware then we were before, because now that we can relate to it it hits home..

there is a bright side to this, did you notice that when you are invited to a wedding, more invites show up, babies is another...everything is respective of where we are in our lives or our childrens lives or parents..etc...

booger: those marks are awesome...another 90..yay booger..

we will be here for you every step of the way, endings are rough...keep trying to remember that for every ending there is an awesome new beginning...and yes yes yes i know it is so much easier said then done..

allgood:

building character I suppose

or he is building a big medical record..i think there are much better, nicer less painful ways to build character...but i guess he has to start somewhere.??
i never did understand those sports when one gets hurt on purpose..


sail:

Tell me to stay away!

would it work?...i do hope for your sake you do stay away, give yourself some "me" time...not just time spent with your kids, but genuine "me" time..where the only person you think about is you, not him, not the ow...i will never say kids, because as a mom i know that is impossible at least for long stretchs,...but for short stretches is not only possible but highly recommended...

if you do go to the computer...do something else...or go to, get it out of your system, give yourself a time limit and then get off...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle... I think you know what I mean... Let me put it a bit clearer... It would be fun to have sex with other women... Someone else to talk to, share stuff with... etc.. But I don't! Because I made a promise... to a relationship beyond just SEX... Point is this... some folks can keep a promise, and some cannot... I have been blessed with the power in my mind to control feelings and make good decisions... decisions that keep me happy.

So all will know... after all my crying, hate, feelings that I never had much experence with in my life, I am starting to accept that I was made a fool of... The one I promised my life to, did not do the same for me... She was a cheater, selfish person.... now trying hard to be a good person... a good wife. I have given her a second chance out of fears... love... and I pick forgiveness, even with risks I will hurt again... She has decided to try to make our M work... and be happy within it... can she? I don't know... But I will do things that will make her happy.

I have come to the conclusion that I will think about infidelity for years to come.. possibly everyday.. just like DipStick here... but he has accepted... I accept the challenge... I accept that my personality has changed that I am not as trusting, (& other things), not as blind to things that go on in life. I chose to stay and love my W of 25 years.. and my slogan of 25 years is.... Those moments... The highest of highs, lowest of lows. That is life.

So today I'm off to... "the southern Indiana, the supposed curative powers of such springs, combined with the idyllic landscape, have been a draw throughout the years to people searching for relief from the stresses of the workaday world"....

http://www.frenchlick.com/aboutUs/history/wbsh.jsp

Ok this is recent pic of the happy couple... So you know who you are talk'n to.. lol

Peace to all and make happy choices this weekend!

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:58 AM, March 12th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: you 2 are a really good looking couple..its always nice to "see" people...me i am too shy to post pics of me and mine....i also need the anonymity irl right now...i have found that this world is quite small....too small sometimes..

btw i knew what you meant with the sex...but are you sure you can go back to having meaningless sex just for sex sake...and that is what i meant... .....i think about it too you know...but i want more then just a penis, i want the penis to be attached to someone i could have some kind of freindship with....kwim.....and if you are looking for the actual affair...i actually think i could understand the need...but getting to know the man you are i don't think you would find happiness taking that route, just more pain...but the "idea" of it can be quite seducing...

later when i have more time i will check the link for where you are going...

right now i am off to book some elective surgery...its a good surgery so don't go off worrying about me...i will keep everyone posted as to my dates that i will be missing being here....although i will still be here in spirit...i have grown quite attached to you people...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
tryingtofindout
♀ Member
Member # 1042
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the theme celebration to new beginnings or perhaps a great shopping day--if he pisses me off it might be the latter and of course a nice glass of wine to start the day.

Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2003
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trying: save the wine for the end of the day or at least the middle..and by all means have one for me...

let us know which you decide to do...so we could be there with you in spirit...btw i love to shop...especially if you will be shopping with his money..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn.

I bet there will come a day that you do not think about the A everyday. If you do think about it, you will view it as your T said, "a bad time in your M and life.

I get what you are saying about having other women. Miracle seems to be having a problem understanding. I believe weeks ago, she is the one who pointed out that men were wired differently.

I do agree with her view about the good looking couple in the picture. Your W is very attractive. When I saw the pic, I was set back a little. She resembles my W!. The hair is about the same. My W's is a little shorter. You and I do not look alike, and my hair is grayer.

Dear Abbymiracle.

I was going to comment about several of the posts yesterday, but I think you have them covered. You are very thorough.

Once again I will chicken out. I will not say anything concerning your penis coments.

Since you say not to worry about the surgery I will try not to. I do not know how this place will get along without you. When everyone else is at a loss for words, out of advice or just too tired to post, you always come through.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip and tryn:

I believe weeks ago, she is the one who pointed out that men were wired differently

yes you men are defintely wired differently ...so i will back off now...


I do not know how this place will get along without you.

you guys will be fine...i won't be gone that long...at least i hope not...should only hopefully be a few days...i don't think i can be away longer yet..this place has become my refuge...

i am still waiting on confirmation and i do not like waiting...it unnerves me...(try not to share that with anyone...ok...its not good for people to know your achilles heel)


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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