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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, March 31st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From 'After the Affair' newsletter:

How Do You Motivate Your Spouse (originally Husband) to Talk?
By Brian Bercht

1. If you ask him/her a question, then allow him/her time to answer without explaining to him why he/she is wrong.

2. If you ask him/her a question, then allow him/her time to answer without needing to point out to him/her why his answer doesn’t make sense.

3. If you ask him/her a question, let him/her know you want to hear his/her answer by - not responding (cross examining) to the first thing that does not line up or what seems to contradict a previous answer.

4. Let him/her know that you will hold your tongue and not interrupt his/her answers. He/she needs to feel some respect, and this is demonstrated by allowing him/her to complete his thought process.

5. Give him/her the questions in writing.

6. Use the phrases, ‘tell me more about that’; ‘that’s interesting, what allowed you to do that?’

7. Avoid the ‘Entrapment’ questions. These generally are questions where you are trying to lead your spouse into saying what you think he/she SHOULD say. Styling or re-phrasing your questions in such a way to make him/her answer ONLY the way you think he/she should is the same.

8. Give him/her time to think. Let him/her get the nerve up to answer. Allow him/her time to formulate his thoughts. (Remember, thinking about something DOES NOT mean he/she is lying!!!)

9. Try to avoid asking the ‘FEELING’ questions. Like ‘how did you feel when you were doing…’ ‘What did you feel after…’ ‘How did it feel when she said…’ Because quite likely he/she wasn’t thinking about any of these things.

10. Use the phrase, ‘I’d be interested to hear how you see…’ or

11. ‘I know you don’t really want to but it would mean a lot to me, if you told me about…’

12. If you have done this, then, admit that you have not really listened to him/her in the past. So really listen to his/her response to that statement.

13. Don’t start these conversations late at night.

14. Set a time limit on these talks and let him/her know what it is, and then stick to it!

15. Try sticking to one subject at a time. Avoid jumping around.

16. Remember he/she is not ‘rational & sound’ in his mind.

just sharing... {{{LTA}}}
will catch up later


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, March 31st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsoul: i call that a hit and run...give us some info without giving us anything...

seriously it is good to hear from you...would love it if you do come back and catch up..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip: I'm sorry to hear that your wife has Borderline Personality Disorder. It's one of the hardest to deal with. I believe my mother has it (not diagnosed), she has a lot of the traits. There is a book called Walking on Eggshells, that I found very helpful.

If your WW has this disorder, then I definitely recommmend IC for you. I feel it would help you tremendously. I really can relate to "I Hate you, don't leave me" and the black and white thinking. The hardest is when you are either the hero or the devil incarnate. There is no in between and all the good things you have ever done are forgotten when you are the devil.

Booger: I'm so sorry to hear about the emotional day you had. The pain of losing your baby is very near still. I truly understand what it's like to lose a baby. My daughter died when she was 4 months old (she was full term. She had a chromosomal disorder that was "not compatible with life" (Trisomy 18))

One of the hardest things for me is that WH named his daughter with OW THE SAME NAME AS OUR DAUGHTER.

Miracle: you are right, he probably is NOT the man I though he was. But I guess this is what I'm having trouble coming to terms with. It's like I still believe that man exists. I felt I knew his good points and his bad points and accepted him the way he was and loved him anyway. I felt this was a true, mature love.

Thank you to all for saying you liked my post. You all have helped me so much, I really would like to do the same for you guys.

WH called yesterday and is asking how I am, etc, I ended up telling him exactly why I was angry, then feeling guilty about it. I hate that about myself. It's like I'm not allowed to be angry or show any kind of anger whatsoever. I have never been one to say mean things or call names. I didn't say anything bad, stuck to the facts and that was it. I told him I felt very angry so it was better that I got off the phone and I said goodbye.

Tryn: I think your charts are helping me, but I agree with Miracle....there should be more of a roller coaster shown in them!

There was a post in, I think , in JFO about what did WS buy for OP? When I started listing everything (an apartment, furniture, jewelry, etc, etc), it really started hurting. This time around it's so different. First xWH, there was time for me to adjust before really started full life with OW. This time, the whole life with her has been fully established for years. Children, house, jewelry, everything! He is fully invested in her and them and has been for years and I'm the one who is being thrown under the bus. It's just not accepting he is probably leaving (he really has left I guess), but EVERYTHING that is involved is so much to take.

I guess I'm just being on the rollercoaster again.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:25 AM, April 1st (Thursday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was pissed because she was alone in the house and that I need to come and be with her. This is a extreme example of boarderline disorder behavior. Some refer to this as "I hate you, don't leave me" behavior.
Umm, I do that. I think of it as typical female behaviour. Kind of like the reply of “I’m fine!” to “What’s wrong” does not necessarily mean I’m fine……. And yes, I’ve yelled at him to get his hands off me when what I’m really crying out for is a big tight hug and for him to never let me go.
But seriously, you must have huge reserves of love and strength to put your feelings to one side while dealing with your FWW’s issues. And I agree with the others (and you know this anyway) you have to work on yourself and talk with your IC to draw up a plan on how to best approach your wife. I get the feeling too that this will eat away at you if you don’t get some of the answers to your most basic questions.

Allgood – I went for std testing after a couple of friends insisted I should. I didn’t think I needed to because (big breath here) I believed FWH when he told me she didn’t have sex with anyone but him and her BH and her BH only had sex with her……….. I mean, how the fuck would he know what her BH was doing? Or that WH was her only bf? Because SHE said so??? My oh my, I was desperate to just have it all go away. Talk about denial!

Don’t start these conversations late at night.
Ooops! I am a shocker for doing this. I justify it (cos I know it’s wrong and will only lead to a bad night for both of us) by saying he can’t walk out and he can’t drive anywhere so he has to talk to me. And my thoughts just tend to find their way out over my tongue when I’ve had a couple of drinks……
Think I will save that list and try to commit to memory. We did do all that while in MC, but it’s hard to keep to if there is no intermediary to keep me on track.

One of the hardest things for me is that WH named his daughter with OW THE SAME NAME AS OUR DAUGHTER.
As a woman and mother, I find that weird. But I guess to a bloke it seems okay. It makes it easy to remember her name and, from what I have gleaned about your WH, it seems to diminish her importance as a female. Oh, another girl, that name will do. And your WH’s foo issues and culture differences must be so hard to understand and come to terms with. He certainly views life through chauvinistic lenses. Stay on the 180 hon, take ownership of your life and that of your family. Protect yourself. (((((honest)))))

Tryn’, those graphs just seems to wash, rinse and repeat with me.

And FNF, do NOT get me started on records. Aaaaaaarrrrghhh! His quote on some lines in his fucking poetry about HER and then saying they were as relevant to HER as to ME….. fuckity fuck!!! No records for us. NOT ONE. He gave everything to her. Little bits of me and us and wrapped them up and gave them to her. Stupid fuckwit. I have one track – Nobody does it Better by Carly Simon. The Spy Who Loved Me came out the year we met. I loved that track – it was how I felt about him. Nobody had made me feel that way and I knew it when we first kissed down against the seafront wall and I literally went weak at the knees. It reminds me of how I felt and of the early days. Oh well.

I’m out for the day and running behind (as usual). Hugs to y’all.

eta: Spoke to my boys on Skype last night....and I'm torn with seeing them all okay but wishing they weren't so far away. DS3 was wearing his gf's skirt......

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:22 AM, April 1st (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

It's like I still believe that man exists. I felt I knew his good points and his bad points and accepted him the way he was and loved him anyway. I felt this was a true, mature love.

when i read this part the first thing that came to mind...now bear with me while i do this: the other day i was watching "the queen" it was about princess diana'a death and how it was handled, anyways whie watching it they showed alot of actual fottage of princess diana, and all i could think while seeing her looking so alive is "how could she be dead"..i still feel like that all these years later, crazy i know but everytime you see someone who has died on t.v...it is almost like they come back to life, like they are right there right in front of you, how could they be dead...well the same is true for us where our husbands are concerned...the men we thought they were are dead, they never really were those men...so in a sense they are dead...but it is so hard to fathom, because there he is in real life walking, talking and being so much like the man you thought he was...i think that is why it is so damned hard for us to let go....you see the man, you know he not the man you thought he was, but still he is right there...almost like you could swoop him up and fix it....but alas fixing it is not one of our options...it is/was their option and they chose not to...mine chose to fix it, but he only half fixed it....and as much as mine is getting help and working on it, i am a black and white person...you either tell the truth or you choose not to...and well he made his choice, and it wasnt ME....


Thank you to all for saying you liked my post. You all have helped me so much, I really would like to do the same for you guys.

your welcome, it was a good post, and you already have helped and you will continue to do so i am sure...and it really is ok if right now you take what you need from us, you have the right to be selfish right now....i get the impression that you do not know how to be selfish with anything...
like this:

It's like I'm not allowed to be angry or show any kind of anger whatsoever. I have never been one to say mean things or call names

and being angry is really not selfish behavior and it is your due...you have the right to be angry..with what you have been dealt by god you have the right to be angry...and what i should say is you have the right to be angry with this man, this man did the unforgivable...he chose to do this to you, you children, the ow, the ow's children and to himself..he chose this and still chooses this...YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY....say that sentence again and again....i think its time for you to empower yourself, he had no right to take your choices away from you, he had no right to choose for you....take your power...you do have the power now to make your own choices....i hope you choose yourself.....

I guess I'm just being on the rollercoaster again

i actually do not think we ever really get off, at least not until we reach acceptance...

Spoke to my boys on Skype last night....and I'm torn with seeing them all okay but wishing they weren't so far away

yay for speaking with them, and boo for them being so far away....and technology is so fascinating...to be able to talk to them "live"...seeing them at the same time..way cool...and i think among your travels that i think you should take a visit with your boys should also be on your hit parade...become a lady of travel....


DS3 was wearing his gf's skirt......


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those charts I put to monitor your progress with your R. Yes, I agree that line is too smooth as you go down and as you rise back up… but no doubt your feeling trends down to a very low… then it does start to trend up.

Dip… Thank you for sharing. I can tell you are very good person. In many ways, you’ve had so much strength sacrificing some of your own happiness, controlling strong emotions, absorbing so much… it is not easy. Yep, you are a kind man. I’d still go see a C.. You are wise and will figure it out.. heck, you’ve made it this far…

UK… You sound like you may be stuck in what I call a…”do loop”… anybody remember that? Fortran… lol..

Lostsuol… I think that article has some timing element to it. I think you follow those rules around dday… and they may lead to a deeper way of communication. At Retrouville, they teach that you only discuss feelings without the ugly stuff attached... but much the same…

Honesttoafault… Your strength is amazing. We all think our situation is the toughest… but yours is hard right now. Please do not feel guilty. Your H has hurt you in a very deep way. Did he tell you he is going to change? Did he tell you he is only going to be with you so you will feel secure, like a M is suppose to make you feel? Did he say he would get help with his sex issues? You don’t feel guilty unless you have wronged… you have not been wronged for making decision toward happiness.

Dr. Iwant…. No way I am more imposing then you.. huh? Lol… you power walker you..

booger bear.. I wonder what your professor would have said if you raised your hand and said… What drug can you administer without anyone ever catching you? LOL… just kidding now…

No charts today class.. lol… LS filled in the lesson..
Peace out to all…

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:07 AM, April 1st (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
always-hope
♀ Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. I am relatively new here at SI. Originally posted this in ICR 'BS questions for WH' maybe it should be in LTA, it was/is a LTEA(s).

This will be long, but I need a neutral point of view or many & I need to get this out...
Part of my story is on my profile, but there is so much more. I keep thinking back to things that brings up red flags now.

How he used to go to a bar to cash his check when he worked 2nd shift and wouldn't be home for hours.

How he would go for weekends to male friends place & admittedly go to strip bars, etc. just for fun...

How DS1 had conjunctive chlamydia when he was born. Which means I had it & passed it to him during birth (1991). (I have never had sex with another man since I met WH. (1984) I have asked doctor & hotlines & it is possible one of us could have brought it into the marriage but in light of all that is going on now my mind is spinning...

I do love WH with all of my heart. There were many good times and I want to be married & trust him & enjoy his company again.


WH has always needed validation, compliments & attention. I gave that freely and was happy to do it.

He also flirted with other women, even in front of me. Never bothered me (or it did in my gut but again I ignored it) because I felt special & that he chose & loved me & me alone. I trusted him unequivocally.

I gave and gave and gave. Somewhere along the line I realized that with all my giving I was not getting.


That led to my shopaholism. (I know, not a word but you get it, right?) That led to major money problems, and we had not been solvent going into the marriage.

WH resents my irresponsible spending (I knew he would & did it anyway) then I resent his angry response.

Three kids & a house later we are still resentful & the DV thing comes up. We reconcile (for the wrong reasons) & the OW comes into the picture. (She had been there 4 years already only I didn't know about her)

Four & a half years later OW is still in the picture & I knew about her & I constantly brought her up & he said they are 'just friends', he does not believe in EA.

WH takes a weekend away & when I find his facebook account I am terrified that I am losing my husband. The OW is a friend on facebook as are old HSGF (he still has her pics & love letters in his memory box, has refused to get rid of them for 25 yrs--yes he knows it bothers me) & many other women from past & present.

I immediately (Dec 14) do the two main things he has been asking (yelling at) me to do: get a job & schedule IC because he says I am broken.

Note: I had worked outside the home through the marriage & quit my job 18 months previously because of stress & WH would not help with anything around the house, he said it was my job so I figured he has one job I should have one, not two. I get depressed, gain weight, push WH away, withhold sex and am generally a mess this whole 18 months.

Five days later (Dec 19) he moves out while I am at work & the kids are not home. WH left it for the two older kids to tell me & I freaked. Hindsight I wish I had not reacted so badly in front of them (DS 18 & DS 16)but I was truely traumatized.

Immediately when he moves out I go to: I am sorry, please forgive me, give me another chance. I know.

We have about a month of HB, basically me going to his place for 'booty calls'. He says OK, I will stay here (his apartment) a year and if we work this out I will come back to the house, it has to be on my terms. I know, I know:

He admits to being in contact with OW and now says that he always has talked to all of the women that are his friends the way he talks to OW. So I guess there are many OW's.

He also says it was never romantic 'I love you I want to be with you' talk, that he was looking for advice about our M and me. He does say that there were derogatory remarks made toward me from both him & the OW(s) None of the OW have ever met me.

I have been in IC since he left, we have been to 2 MC sessions with my IC. (He will do no further MC until WH gets IC) WH has scheduled IC to begin in April, but has hinted that he's not sure he will go.

It is one of my must-have for R. The other three are : NC with OW and I approve a NC letter, firmer boundries with female co-workers & friends, total disclosure & transparency. He argues all but the boundries, says he will work on that...

I realize there were previous problems throughout the marriage but I do own up to my part & have done & am continuing to do a lot of work to fix myself.

Ok finally the questions:

I guess DDay would be 5 yrs ago. Should I have taken a firmer stance on this then. Is it too late now to say NC?

How could he just leave like that? Not only from me, but the kids, right before Christmas? They had no Christmas, no presents under the tree. I was working every day (retail), had no paycheck yet. My best friend, Mom & sister sent money & the kids had to shop the week before Christmas for their own gifts.

Is it possible that I let this emotional connection between WH & OW go on too long? That now he doesn't love me? He says he does but the actions are not there.

We have also started attending church. WH says it reminds him to do the right thing.
He also said I should listen to the Pastor, forgive & let go of my grudges. (NC & NC letter) Am I holding a grudge by asking for NC & NC letter?

Side note: WH tapped the phone about 10 years ago & heard me tell a friend that I just don't love WH anymore. I remember the conversation, I was depressed about finances, fights, WH not helping, etc. I always loved him, just didn't like him THAT day. He brings this up all the time & also that I said I love him differently after the DV. He also said he couldn't stand me when he left, but he still loved me. (?) He said 'I left the situation, I did not leave you'

He thought I would right away file for D. I did not and do not want a D. I did however file for Legal Separation CS & SS (hours are being cut at work, bills are behind & WH is not helping as he said he would), he just got the papers.

IC advised me to carry pepper spray as he thinks WH might get violent. I don't think he will, just mean & ugly with words.

WH called & was surprisingly calm about it--saying we will lose the house & he could not afford the amount. I re-iterated my must-haves, he argued & I told him no more phone call or texts between us, just email and we will see each other at church. (180ish) I still want to work on the marriage. How do we do this with no communication between us?

He has taken himself of my AOL acct & set up his own. Tells me he will not discuss anything until he has his legal paperwork in order. Is this a hardline stance until I cave & let him do everything his way?

I read here at SI about R taking place years later. WH finally coming out of the fog. With him initiating the separation is that likely or possible?

I really like to think (like my name) there is aways hope. Please, anybody, what do you think?

Thank you for any responses, even 2 x 4's.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i seem to be emotionally on a bit of a cliff, i am hangin on, and i am making sure i don't jump..

Miracle - I just wanted to check in to see if you're feeling better today and to send you some hugs. You are always so strong and seeing that you were having a bad day had me a bit worried. Please let us know how we can help. ((((Miracle))))
what I’m really crying out for is a big tight hug and for him to never let me go.

UKG - I sure do know this feeling and actually Miracle I was wondering if you let pfm comfort you on days like yesterday. I know we can be so angry with them and don't want to let them always see how deeply they have hurt us. So we build those walls and don't let them in but I have to agree with UKG that it is exactly what I have needed on my worst days and dammit! they put us here so why shouldn't they be the ones to comfort us. If you haven't tried it, maybe at least give it some thought.
Lostsoul - well I have to admit I failed on EVERY point!
Booger and Honest - wish I could offer you hugs IRL for your losses. That is something that as a Mom is so heartbreaking. Sending you so many cyber hugs and prayers for strength. And to name the OW's child with your precious baby's name, Honest, - well no words can express how insensitive and heartless that was.

So, I did want to post another song link but maybe it's not a good time right now. It's something I can't stop thinking about ever since Tryin posted that passage from the BW who finally allowed herself to love her H fully once she knew he was going to die.
Trying - where did you read this? Did this woman say how long her H's A lasted? I would like to know more of her story if you want to share it with us.

it was how I felt about him. Nobody had made me feel that way and I knew it when we first kissed down against the seafront wall and I literally went weak at the knees. It reminds me of how I felt and of the early days.

UKG - I can really relate to this and it's the hardest part to let go. Actually, that's kind of where my thinking has been this week with all these posts. We miss the genuine, innocent, passionate love that once was. Living without that never quite measures up. If you're up to it at some later point, I'd love to share the song and write a little comment but I won't mention it again because I don't want anyone to feel sad or triggered by it. (((UKG)))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:54 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok hope welcome to our corner of si, you are new on si so i will give you the preliminaries first: get thee to the healing library asap...i think it would do you good to see what the ws's are supposed to do also...

the things you are asking for are requirements, and need to stay that way...if he doesnt meet them, then you need to do more the 180 you need to go nc with him

there is a saying i hear oprah say all the time she quotes maya angelou

"when people show you who they are, believe them"

you could go over your past with this man and i bet you will come up with time after time after time of examples that now you will question...

forget about worrying whether you were too easy on him then, that will not do you any good, you trusted him blindly...well i would say your glasses are no longer blinders.....he is showing you and telling you over and over that he will only come back to you on his terms, that he is unwilling to change and he has the nerve to blame it all on you....

from your post i get the impression that you are currently separated...i think you need to stay separated...i think this man is highly toxic to you...

he is obviously living his life and he is for whatever reason he has holding on to you for a back-up...whatever his reasons are, really do not matter, what matters is this mans actions and words have spoken to you quite loudly...and i am so sorry for your pain....

i usually do not like taking the stance of d, i usually tell people to take their time to make sure of their decision...but hope he has already made the decision for you...and you are not getting anything from him but pain and problems...he is obviously not the man you once thought he was, even then i do not think you did have a view of him of this wonderful man...you turned to shopping because he was not meeting your needs....this man is not capable of meeting your needs now or ever if he does not do something big like put himself into immediate ic, and meet all of your requirements and a few more.....if he does not change in a big way you will never be happy or move past all of this...and he is telling you that he will not do this...he seems to think that if he throws you a few crumbs he could keep you hangin...it is time for you to get the cake and not settle for crumbs...you do not derserve this, you never did....

and i also believe you owe it to your kids to see what it is to take your power back, they are not blind, he hurt them as well as you..show them what it is to stand ones own feet...it will help them in their own futures...because they will grow up and repeat your mistakes....it might help you to look at it from that perspective...you are their biggest role model next to their father...so who do you want them to be....

(((hope)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

you are so playful today, i like it... i like it very much


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think this man is highly toxic to you...

Hope - I agree with all the great advice Miracle is offering but wanted to highlight what I agree with most of all. This man is indeed highly toxic. His history of domestic violence, his continued emotional and verbal abuse, his refusal to meet your requirements for R, which are not only reasonable and fair but absolutely necessary for any meaningful chance of R, all to me sound like an impossible situation.
The fact that your IC thinks you need to carry pepper spray for your protection from him, a man he has met and may have gotten a strong sense of potential danger to you, is something you cannot ignore or downplay. Too often, we don't want to believe the worst but when it comes to your safety you need to listen to a source whose main concern is focused on your safety and well being. This C may be picking up on something that you are not ready or able to face. Please be careful.
A question, why did your H tap your phone? I found this confusing. I would have thought you should be the one tapping phones, not him.
Please don't answer this next question if it is too personal but has your H been violent with your sons? I wouldn't want to think that they may be in danger of his anger or violent outbursts.
I'll just repeat this again,
please be safe. Take care of and protect yourself and your children. These should be your main concerns at this point, IMHO.
ETA - Miracle, I was wondering if you saw my earlier post. I just wanted to check up on you today since you sounded down yesterday. Sending you hugs.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:23 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf: yes i did, i am doing o.k....i have my moments...i work really hard to make sure that they are just moments...not always easy...as i am sure you know...

thanks for asking...

oh i also had my 2 week post op appt today with the dr...and he is very excited at my progress...i must say i do like my flatness...even when my hunger is ravenous as its been lately i am still flat...yay me...

thanks again for asking...

and good going pointing out the violence part for hope...i forgot all about it when i posted to her...good catch...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
always-hope
♀ Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle

if he does not change in a big way you will never be happy or move past all of this

I really do know all this, just a lot of pain today... and I know what I should be doing, I'm trying, and getting stronger every day. Right now I'm still getting over the total feeling of rejection from him actually leaving. Some days it hits harder than others. Thank you, I need to hear it from someone 'outside looking in'.

forgivenotforget

has your H been violent with your sons?

No physical violence, yelling & name-calling yes. I have always defended the kids when he would get too verbal. The older two saw it for what it was in the few months before he left. The youngest is still somewhat in the 'dad is an icon' stage, but getting over that since WH left & has initiated little contact with the boys.

That might also have been a catalyst in him leaving--he was outnumbered--they would call him on his treatment of me & their brothers.

WH tapped the phone because he thought he could catch me doing something (?) What he was looking for I don't know. I have asked & he says he was wrong there was nothing except my one comment about not loving him.

As far as being safe I was attacked at age 16 so I have always been vigilent about not being alone in 'target places'. I do have the pepper spray & the Legal Separation papers give me exclusive use to the house so he is not allowed in unless I permit it & the kids know this.

Thank you for your reply, I guess sometimes I need to hear it again.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm lurking today because I've been in such a continuously pissed off mood all week, I think it's best I keep my posts short & to the point. (I dont really care to elaborate on the cause of my pissed-off-edness, just same shit different day, really.)Anyhoo - while lurking Ijust want to commend everyone who takes the time to respond. Unfortunately, I'm not in a good place at the moment to be offering advice or words of encouragement to anyone, but I can still appreciate how many really nice people are out there. Keep up the good work all!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: you know you don't have to tell us anything...and you could post a vent just to vent...most of us have...it is a bit cathartic sometimes just getting it out...

hope: i am glad that you have taken steps to protect yourself...stay vigilant...

and hon he didn't really reject you...it really has nothing to do with you...the biggest irony of infidelity...it really never has anything to do with the bs in any way shape or form...he always had choices, they all always had choices...and i have yet to see where infidelity has ever helped a marriage....when a marriage is in trouble there are always a multitude of choices...including leaving before the infidelity...

and i suspect that he was suspicious of you while he was in the thick of it...its called projection..kind of like whatever it is he is doing he felt you might be doing it to...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope....I agree that the reason your H was suspicious of you was because he was projecting...if he was having affairs left and right he started suspecting that you might be also....
and a separation can be very helpful.... it was for my husband. We were separated for 6 months...it was a BIG wake up call for him.
Read the articles in the healing library.
A really good book is 'Not Just Friends' by Glass and also for your situation... a book by James Dobson "Love Must Be Tough"....he is a Christian author..believes in marriage but... in situations where the husband wants to continue the affair etc. he gives good advice about how important it is to stay strong...do the 180..not to beg or plead for him to come back... all of that behavior tends to back fire...
Sounds like you've taken steps to take care of yourself... a legal separation.....seeing an IC is very important..


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband does the projecting thing too.

Baby girl is doing quite well. And papa is very proud of his little lady. I had a tough day today. I need to let all of this stuff about the A go. My WH has been nearly perfect since Dday and I need to go ahead and give him credit for that. And his IC told me that the A was just not that important to WH. So -- tonight I'm really DRUNK and just getting it out of my system. What's the worst thing that can happen, after all? The same think that's already happened.

The baby is SO sweet. Thanks to the BS diet I've already lost all of my pregnancy weight, LOL. She's an angel. Easy, a good sleeper, very calm and a great disposition.

The birth went easy too -- she was 2 1/2 pounds lighter than my last baby, so you can imagine how much easier that was.

So, we're just enjoying being home with her for a little while. I still cry every day, but I've just decided to stop.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3!!!!!
So glad to hear from you & hear that everyone is well.

I love that your IC just said to let the A go, it's just not that important to wh. That would be great! Please let me know if he/she can tell us how to do that!

I, too, had a few drinks earlier this week, any my h has been on best behavior for the last couple of weeks, but I just snapped & told him I hated him & probably a lot of other bad stuff, but as I was intoxicated, I really don't remember.
I can't remember when your DDay was & your profile doesnt say anything - so I might need a bit of a refresher course - but I say that you really cant get over it until it somehow makes sense to you - why it happened & why its no longer a threat. That's the way it is for me at least.
I started reading the book HurtShirley recommended about forgiveness. So far I'm 50 pages in & all it says is how not forgiving is not a healthy choice. I really would've accepted that concept in a sentence or two.... But, anyway, I hope the book has more to offer in the upcoming pages.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
always-hope
♀ Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480

I have read 'Not Just Friends' and a lot of other books. I will add "Love Must be Tough' to my list. Unfortunately WH is not a reader. Maybe some are available as audio, even then don't know until he gets IC that he would consider even that.

Thanks for your reply & words of encouragement that your separation helped.

WH told me he left to 'shock me into working on the marriage'. It actually shocked me into working on myself for me & the kids. If he gets IC & 'wakes up' & owns the EA(s) then we can work on the marriage.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, April 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well... M3

this is what I call....
The Lost Sight of What's Important


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