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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - you get another credit for making me laugh - you're comment about me & M3 and all we have in common and stupid husbands. Too funny.
Just wasted an hour of my life (which necessarily will mean I'm gettingout of work 1 hr later on this gorgeous day) trying to explain things to my h. I swear it's just ridiculous.
I tell him heart-wrenching things & he says just nothing. I have to actually tell him that this appears to me that he doesnt' care. He says "no - but I've said this all before". OMG would it kill you to tell me that ow meant nothing to you? Would it kill you to tell me something to comfort me? He says he's answered my questions, but I just don't like his answers. For example, the A was caused because we weren't getting along & ow was available. Yes, I don't like that answer because it's lazy & doesn't inspire confidence that it wont happen again. To him, it wont happen again because it hasn't in the past (Well how the hell do I know what happened in the past?) I ask "How is it possible that you dont have feelings for ow now just because I caught you?" His answer: because I can't. What the...?!?
Essentially, he says he doesnt say anthing when I tell him how I feel because I've told him I'm not accepting his answers at face value. Yes, that's right. You've bullshitted me to the point where you have no credibility. You can't give 1 sentence answers. I have to see the reflection & sincerity in your words. Even if he's incapable of this - how is ignoring my obvious pain not making it worse?
I guess the answer is he feels he can't do anything right, so why try.
You know what, I feel the same way, but I'm still trying.
What a frickin mess.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood i am glad i could make you laugh....

i get the impression that your husband feels that he is doing all he can...and for all intensive purposes he is....he cannot give you what he doesn't have...and answers are the issue...and worse i don't think he gets it, that there is more to what he is already telling you...i also get the impression that he feels listening to you may just be enough since he is incapable of giving you more then he already has...the answers he gives you will be the same answers he has given you in the past which means a no win sich for him...and this is in fact true...he really is in a no-win sich for the moment and until he does the work in ic and on his own and until he does all this his answers will not change....you gotta give the man a small credit for consistancy...which i can attest to is a bonus...the fustration value of someone who is inconsistant is not only high but can drive you somewhat insane...

(((allgood)))

gotta go pick up the next round of offspring now..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Miracle - I am hoping with time the ic will do some good.
How did all of you survive while waiting it out - I know some of you - like dip are still waiting - how are you able to shelve your own needs for that long?
After reading your post, Miracle, I called my h & told him I appreciated his going to ic & that I'm sorry I turned today into an all day long torture session. No problem he says. He truly is a man of few words.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: It sounds like you guys are in a Catch 22, and it's perfectly understandable. You no longer trusts what he says, and he knows it.

What I think you need from him is VALIDATION of your feelings. I think he needs to tell you that he sees that you are hurt and wishes he could take it away and look like he means it. He needs to tell you that he is trying to the best of his ability to do and say the right things, even though he isn't AND MEAN IT.
I think you want to feel the SINCERITY from him, not so much the right words. You want to feel he is really paying attention to you and not trying to brush it off. I guess even a sincere hug when you are feeling like this would be better.

I guess you may need to tell him that you want to FEEL what he's saying and not that he is just giving you lip service or telling you what he thinks you want to hear.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: you are absolutey on the money with allgood needing validation...but that does not change the man's capabilities....and right now he may not be capable of giving her what she needs...he is going to ic and this is a great first step...allgood he has a few more steps he needs to take for you...you could let him know that to help "speed" the process there are things that he can do, such as what honest has suggested, also he could try reading some books like not just friends, which happens to be a really good one and a somewhat easy read...give him a list of everything you need from him...he may need to see it in print, it would be something tangible for him to use....and it would also show you if he uses it that he is indeed trying his best...

how did we get through it, we just do...some days are better then others, some days its by the minute...some are by the hour...and there are some days back in the beginning i never got out of bed...i was ill too so it was easy to hide it all from my kids...but illness wasn't what kept me in my bed, it was a shattered heart...

there are some of us who did get through it like lovin...she still has her moments from time to time, but generally she is lovin her life and her husband...

its all a process and everyone goes at their own pace...i know i tried everything i could to speed it up, i think i might have sped up my recovery which i am still in btw a bit, but like all things in life this to will progress in its own time...we can do things here and there to help it along, our spouses most certainly can do lots of things to help it along...but for alot of us we are trodding through it without their help....

the important thing to remember is that all things come to pass.....time is all we seem to have, using it wisely is key...and if you use your time wisely and are proactive in doing everything you can for yourself along the way that key will open the next doot...

allgood: you are an amazing woman with an amazing capacity for giving...here you are, you are the one who was wronged and you are apologizing to him for his incapability of giving you what you need so that you in turn (your words) tortured him....tryn would be proud...you chose to love him through your inability to accept what he gave you at face value....

now that being said, he still has alot of work to do on himself for you to feel safe and truly loved...and no matter how much you love him through it all without it you will probably never be truly happy and you will end up settling for a relationship for what it is and not what you want it to be...or should i say what you need it to be...we all want alot of things, our needs though are a different enitity...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: thank you again & again for your sharing your time & experience with me.
I really do appreciate it. This is, like you say, one of those weeks, when I am just getting by.
As far as my h goes - I seriously have to question why I'm continuing to try. I just feel- like you always say - his actions dont match his words.
God knows the man wasnt going to read a whole, entire book (he's very smart, certainly literate, just books, never mind self-help books, are not his thing). So I printed out some stuff from SI and another site MONTHS ago. I think he read a total of 5 pages - that's when he came to the revelation that the A relationship cannot be compared with a marriage because of the lack of responsibilities. He also seemed to learn that he shouldnt change his routine as it would cause me alarm, but didnt seem to be able to realize that his working ot a lot would be a change in his routine. (Part of this was anticipated as he is retiring soon & this is the point in his career where they have to start working ot a lot to increase their pension). In his eyes, this is him planning for our future.
When I met with his ic 2 weeks ago, I told him how much this bothered me - that he claims to have no idea what to do - I tell him what to do - something simple - like here read 20 pages - and he doesn't do it.
I'm just dumbfounded. (Or maybe I should just say dumb for continuing to try. lol).
And, when I was continuing to harbor my delusions that he would actually take an active effort in my recovery, I told him that I thought we could discuss the articles after he read them & I swear he looked like a 10 year old boy who was told to do his homework and said "What am I going to have to write an essay or something?"
I am definitely wearing thin. Every now and then he surprises me though and makes me feel like he does care.
As for me "apologizing" to him - I do realize that him going to ic is a pretty big way of showing he wants to work it out and I did feel like it was a little unfair of me, after he had been in ic for 45 minutes & was about to pick up our son from school to launch into some heavy affair-related talk.
And Honest: thank you. You are right, I do want sincerity more than anything else. I really dont understand why he doesnt see the need to be supportive and validate my feelings, like you say, other than the fact that he has never been particularly supportive pre-A.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Allgood… As you have described in your past few post, I can tell you that I’ve had all the same exact feelings and discussions with my W. I was wondering, did he ever give you a heartfelt apology? I got many “I’m sorry”, but I’m talking about a heartfelt one?

I’m going to tell you second of three heartfelt apologies my wife gave me… The first was about 4 days after dday. The second was about 2 months after dday. I was still crying everyday in private and her A consumed me for about 8-12 hours during each day. At that time, my wife and I were just surviving together. Today, It seem like such a fog as I write it. Anyway, She was getting ready for work one morning in the shower. My W’s brother calls while she was in the shower and told me that her dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. At the time he called, he could not tell me anything about how critical, only, my W should make quick arrangements to fly down. My W came out of the bathroom and I told her that her brother called and gave her the news. We hugged and I said she needs to call her bother now. She quickly called her brother and I went to my computer to look up the next flight out. I found one, printed it and walked back into the bedroom. My W was sitting on the floor. I grabbed her hand and pulled her toward me to comfort her with a hug. I remember her hand was shaking. With tears falling, she looked up to me and said that she was so sorry she has messed up our life, our marriage. She lost sight of everything that should have been most important to her. She went on to hug me tight and say that I have been so good to her and that have always taken such good care of her. “I’m so sorry Dave, I’m so sorry” I could feel that moment so deep in my soul there was absolutely no doubt she meant every word, from insider her heart.

Did you get one of those too? BTW.. my 3rd came at Retrouville weekend 10 months out.

I think those heartfelt apologies help me… sometimes I forget about them, but when I do think about them, I know she meant what she said. As honesttoafault says, that validation is so important IMO… btw, there is nothing wrong with you doing some heavey lifting in the R.. print those out again and keep giving them to him... maybe a small one everyday...

and this too...It won't be the end of the world if your life takes a new direction...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:46 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Tryn. I really appreciate it. And, I was just looking at one of the older lta threads to try to catch up on some of the stuff I may have missed (I do feel awful sometimes that I come in, dump out whatever's on my mind & give very little in return.) and I saw that one of the things I printed out for my h was something you posted.
I actually just finished marking it up tonight, then decided not to leave it for him. Pre-A, he would come around, just not on my time table. Sometimes I need to remember that.
Anyway - gotta keep my post short because my H is about to come home with a few friends and I don't want to be seen sitting here, sleeping baby on my lap, typin away on SI.
But thank you for weighing in - Oh! and btw - I have my 5k race on Saturday - I'm totally nervous because my kids activities and my h's work schedule have thrown my training off course and it has only recently occured to me that this a cross country race - and I have only been running on flat surfaces.
So - if I dont speak with you before then - wish me luck!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: of course we wish you much luck on saturday and always...

as for catching up with old posts...that is totally cool that you want to get to know all our backstories a bit better...i tried it too when i first found this forum, i did go back a little ways, i actually tried keeping a log of who was who and what issues they had, but that didn't work,...posting here day after day and just keeping up with the current reading kind of filled me in and the folks here on lta are always willing to share again and again...many of us suffer from memory lapses...i also remember posting that i wish i could respond to some of them and i was told as i am now telling you to relax, it will come when you are ready, you are still a newbie and raw...not to mention a busy busy mom with 4 kids and you work...meanwhile i was and am a sahm, i babysit but i still have way more freedom of time then most here....and i was still told to take what i need from the forum and when i was ready i would give back...so take the advice i myself have been given...its good sound advice which will aid you in your journey in healing yourself....

so your husband doesn't like to read...that could be an obstacle....but keeping the most important thing in mind, he is in ic....i reccommend that you do not question him too much about his ic, he needs to feel safe there, he needs to know that he can say anything he has to in confidence....if he feels that somehow what he says will be scrutinized by you he will hold back and not give 100% to the process....and if he does not give 100%, it will never do what it needs to do for him and in turn for you..

and yes i know just how fustrating this could be because you want to know...i still bite my tongue with pfm, i still inquire about things that are not about me and him, like his foo, which at this point is i think a safe enough topic...and i always tell him that if he doesn't want to share with me its o.k.....because its much more important that he share with his ic...because i am incapable of giving him the help he needs, and i am not the person who can fix him...he has to want to fix himself....that and i sometimes am too critical of his pace and lack of insight and what i think of as common sense...

i would think the healing library under the things the ws needs to know and things the ws needs to do would be prime reading material...you ws could even tackle one item off each list each day....just a suggestion if he is open to it.....

keep in mind at all times he is not capable right now to give you what you need, he may never be capable but right now he is trying to be all he thinks he needs to be....what this will do for you is to hopefully give you some clarity when he is lacking the skills needed to provide you with what you need or if he is just plain fustrating....he thinks he is doing all he needs....we all know that this is not the case, but he doesn't...and he probably will not be open to you being the one to point that out...but point it out now and then you do need to do....he needs to hear from you that your needs are not being met period....a rock and a hard place....but somewhere in between you will find that soft place to fall....here at si is def one of them...it has been for me...and so many...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck Allgood in your race.

When I was writing my post to you, I was trying to validate what I thought you wanted.

tryn: I'm glad to hear that you did get those heartfelt apologies from your WW. Those are the things that can help pull you through the dark places.

Miracle: If we can help you in your process of healing, let me know.

I fully appreciate what you said about having trouble getting out of bed. I think that I'm having trouble with that since Dday#2. All the shock that went with Dday 1 had me in such a tailspin, I was lucky I was functioning. Now, I am functioning, not so great, but plodding along. Everyday I have to force myself out of bed. I'm out of the fog and in so much emotional pain. Sometimes I get a trigger and it feels like I've been physically shot. It's so tiring to have to take a deep breath and try to go on and not burst out in tears when you are in the middle of the supermarket. ( I let myself cry if I'm driving)

My IC is asking why am I not angry? I guess I've turned the anger inwards as usual.

I wrote the other day that WS called to say he couldn't sleep because he was worried about me (when he hadn't called in 3 days). Of course he didn't call today either. I saw on his email (he has no idea that I can get on it) that he sent flowers to me that are supposed to arrive tomorrow, the day of my mammo.
I know actions speak louder than words. But if he really cared, he would have called more often. Of course he says that I speak so mean to him. I DO NOT. It's my tone of voice. I'm trying to keep it noncommital, neutral, and I guess it's coming out that way. I don't know how to 180 right.

I'm making myself be in limbo again, I guess I got used to the place. I'm really having trouble moving forward, perhaps because I know that once I really get going, there is no turning back and I have to really face the reality of the enormity of what he has done. It's too much and I am having such trouble getting my head around it.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: yes hon actions do speak louder then any words and the actions you need he will not give to you...sending flwers is nice but its not the same, its benign and its not him putting himself out there personally for you...

he is detaching from you when you need him...

yes getting out of bed sometimes is just not what you want to do, crawling in and putting the covers over your head, closing your eyes to never open them again while this pain exists...and the pain as deep as it is is physical as well as emotional and mental....the heaviness you feel in your chest, your breathing, your eyes...you beg for someone up above to just give you some guidance, to put you out of your misery and all the while you wonder why can't he see what i feel, why can't he fix this, why doesn't he love me enough, why didn't he ever love me enough...and i could go on and on because i know it all too well....

and i am here to tell you that life does go on, it may not go one the way you want it to but it does go on....that fucking word again...time....

and no you are not doing the 180 well at all, that because you cannot accept that this is all there is, you don't want to give up because in fact you don't want him to give up, you want him to fight for you, you want him to give up everything else for you, you want him to love you enough...

and sadly for you honest i do not think your husband will do this for you or for himself...you need to do for yourself what he will not and could not...

and we are here for you...

post as often as you can, just type away all of your thoughts...you could always delete if you decide you do not want to post it all, but we will "listen" if you need us to...we will "hug" you always and we will be your safe place to fall, to cry, to vent or whatever else you need....

we are here for you hon...
and good luck on your mammo tomorrow....keep us posted...


((((honest))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest: yes - good luck with the mammo. I had a bit of a scare 2-3 years ago & everything turned out fine. I will be thinking of you & praying that your results come back good too. (Hopefully they give you some results right away so you dont have to wait.)
And, I totally relate to what you are feeling - I'm in the same place.
Last night I discovered a receipt for a pocketbook my h obviously purchased for ow last Valentine's Day. I called him about it & he said they never bought presents for each other & was trying to remember what it could possibly be. Meanwhile - I knew what it was - he bought something a few days before V DAy with a gift card.
This morning I couldnt sleep and got up at 5 - he gets up 20 minutes later, I think he's coming to comfort me - but no, just going to the bathroom & back to sleep.
So - I confronted him that he knows I'm upset & cant sleep & he cant even see to it to check on me. During this "conversation" (bit of a tirade actually) he remembers buying her the pocketbook.
I dont know why it set me off, except that it just shows me that despite his denials that he loved her (but readily admits she was in love with him), that their interactions were just quick moments here & there before, after work, etc. that no- this was a real relationship that he was very much emotionally involved in.
Anyway - brought up everything I could think of, including the fact that I think about her when we are having sex & what he did with her, whether he's thinking of her, etc. I guess that wasnt a good idea. I told him I have no hope & he said he has no hope & gave the example as to what I said about us having sex as a reason why its worse than he thought.
So, I'm trying to calm myself down (last night I was sad, but now I'm really, really mad) and really, all it would take would be for him to approach me, hug me & comfort me. I guess it's a tall order given my obvious anger - but- I still want it.
And Tryn: no I dont feel like I got a heartfelt apology. I just mentioned that to him too & he says I did.
Also - he told me he read "enough" of the articles - they say the same thing over & over.
So, there it is.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((allgood)))))

that really sucks....i have no words, just lots of hugs right now...maybe later i will have some words, right now i actually feel angry for you....your ws seems to get in his own way, much like pfm and that is not good....and he lied too...not good......


i will check in again in a bit...


((((((allgood))))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hug - I know there's really nothing left to say at this point.
I just gave myself a little pep talk today, telling me that there's no reason to expect any different response from him than all the other times I've tried to explain what I need & the urgency of it.
Only difference now is that I told him I'm getting more & more comfortable telling him it's over. In response, he says "I know" in such a way that makes me feel like - I dont know -very hard to explain the way I perceived it - almost like I'm upsetting him by having that attitude.
He doesnt think he lied - says he didnt think of it & it even took him a while to remember that he had purchased the gift after I mentioned it. I told him that it was ridiculous to believe that he couldnt recall the 1x he bought a Valentine's day present for anyone other than me in the past 25 years.
And then I explained to him the little things he could've done to control the damage & show me he appreciated how it made me feel & reassure me. Unbelievably, he still hasnt said those things.
I'm just trying to stay strong at this point & not call him, not engage with him on any level until this is sorted out. I dont know how healthy it is, but I feel I need to give my heart a break for awhile - which sucks, because I'm leaving work early today & this is the only day we have off together.
Oh well.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey allgood... good luck at the 5K! They are fun... On my first one the goal was not to walk...lol

would take would be for him to approach me, hug me & comfort me.
my W is same way... It must be in that manual Dip says they follow. For some reason, I think you need not worry about letting him see all your anger and hurt... so don't beat up on yourself. He must expect some sort of punishment needs to be paid. We'll see what kind of real man he is.. Let’s see if he can take it, or see if he gonna a run away. The one thing I can say is that with all the shit I put my W through, she didn't run. That tells me today she did still want me. The sex vision very slowly fade but for me, I still have them.. I guess I’m starting to accept… and they have yet to stop me from rocking my world… lol.. but guys are wired different.

It hard to come to terms with the fact your H loved another woman. I hear so many folks around SI say it "wasn't love"... no, not in the sense of "true" or "mature" love... but the fact remains and you cannot change it... Your H love someone else. It's part of your M now. It is same with me.. my wife said that OM said he loved her.. blah blah... but I have now come to acceptance she also love OM... I’m getting peace with that… it has taken me months of “why” “wishing it didn’t happens” to pass through my brain to get to the point I’m at today… My W will never say she loved him to my face. It's something they will not say because it’s like asking them to turn that knife they already stuck in you. There really is no use even asking if he loved her.. the answer is a given, it’s a truth, it’s 100% it is a YES… Your H loved this other woman. No need in worrying (wasting energy) about a stupid acts of love, he did hundreds of acts of love to her…What postive will come from thinking about every loving act? An act of love is buying her a pocketbook, act of love is making love to her, having sex with her, kissing her, listening, paying attention… ALL OF THAT HAPPENED… Not a damn thing any one of us can do to turn back time. Yes, today, it hurts like fiery hell to you right now… It’s going to hurt months and months too.. so get ready… for me and still does on occasions… I don’t know maybe 5-10 minutes of real hurt a couple times weekly vs. 10-15 hours a at the 9 month time…

But TODAY… he does NOT love her now. He is not loving her… He did not to leave you for her. He chose his family over that unhealthy love driven by Satan. He is only loving you and his family. IC is not going to be the only thing to help you both… IC is such a short time, a short meeting, there is no way he is going to “get it” in those sessions. He is going to have to read, go to Retrouvaille, IC, MC, somehow relearn what a good relationship is about… He thinks he knows because he’s a cocky, controlling, know it all cop… He trained to be an ass hole to people, because he needs to be in his job. He doesn’t know crap about a deep relationship. Even with knowing what he needs to know, it’s then about the ability to change, live what experts know is personality acts that are best in marriage. You are going to have to somehow figure start knowing how to comfort each other when this pain comes up… You both need to learn how to only do desirable things to each other, and stay away from the undesirables. It’s gonna get better, but you need to loving encourage your H to read… Just tell him you want to rediscover each other, tell him you can forgive if you both can get to that different kind of love… you both need to learn it…


You both were in misery before dday… It boils down to the way you both treated each other. I’m sure back when you first met, he treated you as special as it gets… All marriages lose it as time goes on… How can you both get back to that point again… with all this history now? It a decision and it’s great effort… You both need tools to help you….and you both will slip again too even knowing the tools.

Last night, a very close customer and I went to dinner. He is newly D. His W left him for OM… (his xw and OM broke up already.. go figure) He tells me dating has many fun emotions, but he so misses the comforts of security, the splitting of his family, it has been lonely; the kids are good but not fulfilling… He looks at my situation and thinks I’m lucky! Huh?

Peace to all… and make it a good day!

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:43 AM, April 8th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn i agree with your customer you are lucky, lucky to have a marriage that you and your wife are working at saving...saving your marriage is a gift you both chose to give one another....


allgood: cops are a diff entity as tryn has pointed out, many believe they are above all, many believe that they are entitled...and your ws does not seem capable of giving you what you need....when did he start ic....and you know books come on tape, so he really doesn't have to read it persay, he could "listen" to them...

i think you are right about stepping back, i think you def need to disengage....if he is not giving you what you need, and youre telling him over and over what you do need, so i would say the ball his in his court...what he does with it will give you answers, they just may not be the answers you seek...

disengage, give him time to either come through or not....and in the meantime start taking back your life....

(((allgood)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone... If I could give you a physical hug today.. I would... it's in spirit.. like a bullet for a strainger kinda thing... BTW.. negative self talk is not Desirable...

Honest... It's alright to be in limbo... You make yourself happy! make good choices...

Hey Iwant.. you still in pain over that surgery?



Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey tryn thanks for asking about me and my tummy...i am healing nicely...as the saying goes i am getting there....i do more everyday

on easter we had dinner at a really super close freind house...and her mom was asking about my surgery and we got to the belly button question...i have a new one now...so i offered to show it to all at the table, because that part is at the point that its no longer gross to look at and it was easy to show just the belly button...well her response was priceless..

picture an older woman mouth hangin slightly open and then says in a somewhat shocked voice "wow, it looks just like a real human belly button"...well the entire household bust out laughing so hard...laughing, sneezing and coughing are still a bit difficult, but the pain from that laugh was so worth it..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG Miracle that is too funny!
And, in the category of "Great minds think alike" I used that exact phrase with my h today "The ball is in your court, as it has been".
Tryn: thanks for the virtual hug.
Patience, patience - definitely a virtue - not one of my virtues, but anyway... Lol


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great minds think alike

ooohhh i have a great mind...YAY for me...


picture the robot from lost in space waving arms erratically: yelling


"WARNING, WARNING"....


and the warning to all: my mood is quite silly and its been stuck on silly since at least yesterday...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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