Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: goingunder (43138)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - you continue to crack me up.
Anyway - just received a text from h & thought I'd share the good with the bad.
I haven't spoken to him since this morning and he just texted me saying that he just read the article (the one Tryn posted a while back) and says it helps him understand what I'm going through more, that he's sorry & will try harder.
So... I hope he means it and this isn't a thinly veiled attempt to just get lucky tonight.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood i am literally shakin my head...everytime i think o.k. this man is done with all he gonna do he surprises me....

he does seem to be a conundrum doesn't he?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - sending many hugs to you and hoping everything will be ok. If it's any comfort, I did have a lump (the size of a grape) that my dr. said needed to be removed and it turned out to be benign. So even if they find something there is still a chance it won't be CA. Please try to think only positive thoughts - and I know, easier said than done. (((((((HTAF))))))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:53 AM, April 8th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this quote yesterday and I just wanted to share it with all of you because I think when we've been betrayed it is so hard to focus on the positive ways our S's try to show us they are sorry for what they have done to us. But I honestly believe that until we can see those positive changes and accept them, the process of R cannot really move forward. I'm not saying this can happen soon after d-day and being 4 years out myself, I'm not sure at what point I was able to recognize my H's efforts and be grateful for them. I just wanted to send some hope and positive thoughts out to those who are struggling. I hope this quote helps others.
"To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places - and there are so many - where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory." -Howard Zinn


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

edited for edited sake...

so since i have nothing else i will go ahead and make fun of myself...in f&g...check out my posts on the thread bout spring check in i think its titled...

and try not to laugh way too hard...

eta: yes edited again...to say the thread is called "roll call time"..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:23 AM, April 8th (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This editing thing is catchy!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:07 AM, April 8th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and support!!

I went and got the mammo and sono today and the doc said that it was ok. (There was something there, perhaps fibrous tissue). I am still riled up. My son said that sometimes you are so ready for the worst, that you are not ready for the best!!

Thank you all so very much!!

Allgood, I'm glad to hear that your WH is making a bit of an effort to read something. I believe cops are used to compartmentalizing things. They see the worst of the worst, and try not to "bring it home".

Miracle: thank you for your post. You hit the nail on the head and I actually cried because you understand.

The flowers did arrive, but he hasn't called. I wrote an email to thank him, (my mother raised me to write thank you notes ) but I don't know if I should call him to thank him. I'm trying not to even talk to him because I get upset everytime I do. It's not that he says anything mean , I guess it's what he is NOT saying that hurts.

{{{{tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest! What a relief! I'm glad everything is ok.
I dont know what you should do with your husband, but if you dont want to talk to him because it upsets you, then leave it at the email.
As for me: I do believe my husband really loves me. The remorse - idk - I'm not convinced - he still blames it on our relationship. And the emotional support -well - it was never there before so I dont know why I expect different now, except that I NEED his emotional support now. So, we shall see how it goes.
New topic: did any of you feel extremely awkward to socialize in small groups where some, if not all of the people knew about the A? I'm facing that this weekend and I'm conflicted.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest i want you to picture a big stick...and on this stick is cotton...lots and lots of cotton...i am about to give you the softest 2x4 i can....please do not send him a thank you of any kind...flowers frankly were not enough of a thought...he does not deserve the thankyou...not in any way shape or form...i too write thank you notes, we are a dying breed...but clearly in fidelity ettiquette...he failed...miserably...please don't send him a thank you...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok i had to do that other post immediately hopefully catching you honest before you sent the thank you...now i can continue my post i will call this part 2...

honest...YAY negatice results are wonderful...

My son said that sometimes you are so ready for the worst, that you are not ready for the best!!

i think i love this kid..

allgood:

New topic: did any of you feel extremely awkward to socialize in small groups where some, if not all of the people knew about the A? I'm facing that this weekend and I'm conflicted


i have not had this issue and i would think it would depend on the people...are they close personal friends, or just acquaintance who know too much of your business?


we have had gatherings where some knew, but all who know in our circle of people are friends to both of us, or just me...good friends who can be trusted....and i know that none of them would ever intentionally hurt either of us...


o.k. tribe...i was having an amazingly silly day, then an issue popped up with my daughter...and its a biggie...she is not preggo, not on drugs or flunking ....but this child has hurt me and betrayed a certain trust and i am having a really hard time with it...took a xanax, but i am still feeling down...and hurt...i am asking for some prayers for her and for me, for our family....she needs to find some guidance that i somehow didnt give her...and i lost a great deal of trust in her...

right now i feel like i live in a house where i do not trust anyone in it...my boys lie to me , one lies about kid things so i know that one is not too bad but still he lies and the other son lies about school stuff, computer porn, techonology stuff he is not supposed to be doing and then there is pfm the consummate liar of all....

what a feeling this is....it is not a nice one...

hoping to shake it off, but i think until i figure out what course of action to take with dd i may not shake it as easily as i would like to....

o.k. i think that is it for part 2


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey allgood... I'm glad your H sent that text and read that doc... It's progress... and that is what you should expect... very slow progress... My friend who cheated on his W and went on to M his AP, told me he never gave his first W an heartfelt apology until years after his D.. He regrets it all even though he was in this "fog" as it's called... My W's first heartfelt apology was a few days after dday... it was heartfelt but she was also in shock.

New topic: did any of you feel extremely awkward to socialize in small groups where some, if not all of the people knew about the A?
Yes, It was awkward... You might get a few different type reactions... I'm sorry; I don't know how you do it; You might even get a, I'd dump that SOB...

I think when folks said something... I would say.. yes it hurts... but everyone makes mistakes... we are both working hard to make our M work... You might even get a why are you R'ing? I would say... For me, it was.. I want to try and save my family... I think my W regrets what she did... it's hard but we trying to rediscover what we once had... Most will support that...

Iwant.. we all lie at times. I think that people save their biggest and most serious lies for those they love. We never expect those to mislead us.. including our kids. Obvioulsy, you NEVER want to hurt your mother! So did you tell her how you felt? I cried, I was injured, humiliated, wronged, crushed... I just hope she can see her wrong and make it right. Now go do some shaken...

what da?? I edit every post!!! lol... cause I always misspell or misword in every post.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:45 PM, April 8th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone:
I usually post in General but have been reading the posts in this thread because my H had a LTA and I'm having a horrible time. I am about 10 months out and am so bitter and disgusted that I am not sure I want the marriage anymore. We will be married 34 years this month.

Allgood asked if anyone felt awkward to socialize. I am having such a hard time with this. My H is a firefighter and the whole department knows. It's so embarrassing. I can't go near the station let alone even drive by there.

You all know what I am going through so I will leave it at that. It's helps to know that others can relate and that I am not so alone after all.

Hugs to all!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
sailaway
♀ Member
Member # 23892
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AllGood- I absolutely feel awkward. The first "family" function after D Day I walked out because I was so uncomfortable. Picture this- dinner out with my H's family for Mother's Day. His brother (who covered for him) is there with his girlfriend-(and that relationship started as an affair)- his parents (who don't know) and our 4 kids. I actually walked out of the restaurant and drove away and left them all there. Which necessitated a lie to the kids about mommy being sick and my H having to confess all to his parents. I still have a hard time around all of them- esp. the brother and his girlfriend. Then, since the bunny boiler emailed everyone I work with I feel truly awkward there- although everyone is on my side it is still really hard.


"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." W.B.Yeats

Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, Miracle and Allgood, give me the 2 x 4's but I won't need it, because I got them anyway.

Yes, I'm an idiot, I wrote a nondescript thank you email and then called him. I wish I hadn't. I just tried to say thank you for the gesture, but my mouth went on. I am the queen of sarcasm (one of my "gifts", I don't yell or call names, but my tongue can be quite sharp with cutting witticisms when the mood strikes me) I said that one of my friends who is a nurse called me to see how everything was, and then added that ALL my friends were calling me to see how I was doing. Well, he did get the message, says he was calling and I said, not you didn't and that his actions were shouting at me. I said that if he was as worried as he said, he'd have called yesterday.
Of course it went back and forth. He tells me he doesn't call because I get upset or he feels he's walking on eggshells because something he'd say would get me upset.
Then he has the gall to tell me that nothing has changed. He loves me, he wants to buy a new house, we'll grow old together.
I asked him about his plans on bringing them ALL here to the US (including her) and if he was going to divorce her. His answer was that he was not going to be forced to divorce anyone. So I said your plan is to have her and them here for a few years while I am here with the kids and you are going back and forth between us? He starts yelling that does he have to spell everything out to me?

He says that if I keep acting like this he'll leave me in a few years!!! I wanted to shout "Leave me NOW!!"

Finally, I told him not to call. I didn't care. If he needed something or wanted to ask about the kids, email me. I asked him to please call our DS 15 as much as possible on his cell. He says what if I miss you? I just said so long, take care.

About 10 minutes later he calls and says he couldn't wait he misses me. I just said I was out, take care good bye.

My RL friend says that she believes he loves me, but wants it on his conditions. She also pointed out that I was afraid to tell him to stop calling because it would hurt when he actually did stop.

I was living for crumbs. He was going on that I shouldn't be upset and to live my life and be happy. I told him he took my happiness away and he goes on about one should make oneself happy yadda yadda, and I said, right, like you, do whatever you want and Fuck everyone else.

I'm sorry for this long rant and vent.

I took a step that I knew was inevitable, but was scared to do, because I know what is going to happen. I guess I really didn't want to let go.
and I know I have to.

Damn, I should just be grateful about the good news of the mammo!!! Maybe God is telling me where the real cancer is, and it's WH.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((honest)))))

keep posting and venting...purge yourself of this toxin...

you are an amazing special person...and he is not worthy of you....you do not deserve what he is dishing out....

you are not an idiot...you love the man, have a family with him and to let go of that dream is like losing a piece of who you are....but i assure you it is not...in fact you will become all you are meant to be and you will become whole again...i will not lie, this will take time,,,,but it can and it will happen...

((((honest))))

nofun: i am so sorry for all your pain....no you are not alone....and you have no reason to feel humilitated....you did nothing wrong....you trusted the wrong person


sailaway that night at the restaurant had to be really tough...i suggest not putting yourself in that kind of sich again....

we are all learning our paths through this distruction...and rebuilding is not only pssible but in our futures if we work at us at who we are....does not mean the our futures will be with our respective spouses...but a future we will have....its what kind of future do we want....?

ponder that, and ponder what you might be able to do get what you want....and remember you cannot change anyone but yourself...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. Now I've dumped , let me see if I can say anything to help all of you kind good people.

Forgive: thank you for the kind words. I'm glad that your tests showed it was benign. It can be so scary! Thank you for that great quote. I'll try to reread it later to really appreciate it.
Allgood: It's so hard to know what to do in these awkward situations. What I have realized though is that your real friends and people who truly care about you, seem to follow your lead. If they ask about it (if they know) and you say something like "it's such a nice day! let's talk about something happy!" and change the subject. The ones who care will understand and graciously drop it.
It's very hard to keep up a front in these situations. I, too, will be going to a gathering where half the people know. It's so damn hard! I pray that your WH gets his head out of his ass and the ground and just gives you some hugs and just says simply "I really and truly love you"

Miracle: I'm sorry to hear about the issue with DD. The issue about lying is such a HUGE trigger. I did go crazy a few times when the kids lied about anything whether it was a big thing or something trivial.

Teens are so hard to deal with. They are so moody to begin with and they can drive you crazy. My 2 oldest sons are 34 and 30, so I know how hard it can be. There is light at the end of the tunnel. When they turn about 21, they become human again!! They actually will sit with you and hold a conversation! They will sometimes call and ask your advice about something!

DS is 15 and the youngest is 11 and I have to go through it again!! Miracle, if you want to PM, I'll listen if you want. Try to talk to a RL friend. Try as hard as you can to pull back from the sitch and be as objective as you can. It's so hard because you are in such pain. {{{{Miracle}}}}

Hiya Tryn, love reading your posts.

Hang in there nofun. My first xWH was a firefighter too. Is your WH a volunteer firefighter or a city firefighter? It really doesn't matter, they are the "brothers" and know everything that goes on. You just hold your head up. They all know that your WH was wrong and you are honorable.

Sailing: sorry to hear about how you spent that mother's day. It is never easy dealing with family, especially in-laws and it triples the "fun" when infidelity is involved.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I think I was typing part 2 when you posted. thank you for your kind words.

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 11:15 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you (((tryn))) I love my pic ...

sorry all I just caught up on the 4 pages I was behind on ... sheesh you all were kinda busy ...

school been keeping me very busy ... I miss you all ... wish I had the day to spend and hang out with ya'll ...

I will try to type more morrow and hopefully pass on some booger-isms for your great day ...

I am doing good ... kinda up and down today ... Every Rose Has A Thorn came on radio today and *sigh* ... I was down for awhile after ... not a special song for us ... but just one of those songs that get's you ...

G'night tribe (((tribe)))

ya'll are my sunshine ... that is our theme song BTW ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all....

About the topic of facing family and friends who know about the LTA......
I agree, it was/is very awkward for me but I am getting better at it.

First of all, I really think that WE think about it much more than other people do.

I think that most people have very short memories and tons of problems of their own to worry about and they are not really focused on us.

I think back to myself...pre d-day and some of the affair stories that I knew about.
I was really non judgemental when it came to people wanting to save their marriages. I didn't walk around shaking my head wondering why they didn't throw the WS out.
I did shake my head in amazement at the cheaters and some of their antics but never at the spouse who wanted to save the marriage.

So.. I think a lot of that may be going on.

But, mostly, what d-day has taught me is to never judge others!

Because you never really understand what someone else is going through until you have walked in their shoes!
I remember during the Clinton/Lewinsky affair... I thought Hillary was showing weakness by staying with Bill.Now, I look at it completely differently.

So... when I have been faced with some people that I know are NOT in favor of my reconciling with my WH.... well, I know where they are coming from... they have no experience going through something like this and really do not know how they would react when faced with the same situation!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG I missed a lot.

Honest: Good for you! I can see how hard it was for you to say these things to your H. I agree - that he wants you but on his conditions. I think this is the way my h thinks too. While it's too soon for me to tell, I think that he saw me hit bottom yesterday, besides the ranting, etc, I couldnt even look him in the eye, didnt kiss him goodbye & didn't call him. Wouldn't you know, he read the article he didnt read over the past 4 months or so & contacted me. I felt like telling him that reading the article wasnt enough, he had to implement the changes, but I had the fortitude to keep my big mouth shut & he came through yesterday. So, hopefully he can keep this up.
Anyway - back to you- you are not an idiot for reaching out to your husband in an effort to save your marriage. I understand you - I do the same thing- I feel like I'm trying & he's not responding & how stupid could I possibly be to keep trying under these circumstances. For me, I know the marriage is worth saving & I don't want to regret giving up on it too early. So, I believe that's what drives your efforts. You love him & you want it to work out - there's nothing stupid or weak about that. It's admirable. Stay strong. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Miracle: I have noticed that since DDay, I have gotten very upset with my kids if they lie - particularly my 9yo who should know better. And, while I'm not there yet - it sounds like the "teen years" are very challenging, with these kids just testing boundaries with you & everyone else. I'm sure you did a great job raising these kids - I can see the kind of person you are - I'm sure you gave your daughter enough sense so that she snaps out of this soon. I'm sure she knows you love her & will come to you for support soon enough.

No fun - my H is a police officer & as his A was with a coworker, EVERYONE knows, so this sucks. I get a lot of clients from this source and I lost some of them following DDay as I assume they feel awkward. Really the least of all my problems, but still... Plus, now my H doesn't want to bring me to work events because everyone will know that I'm there to chaperone him as I never attended these events before. (For now, he's just not going to the events at all.)

Sailaway - what a terrible experience - like we dont have enough to work through after DDay. I was on vacation with my h's entire family when I found out about the A & thankfully due to shock (& trickle truth which made it sound less horrible than it was) I was able to conceal it.

As to the social event question: I find it easier for me to get through these things when no one knows. Within a week after DDay we had an event to go to & 2 people knew (very close friends to both my H & I). It was the first time they saw me after DDay & it was very hard for me - wound up getting pretty drunk & avoiding me dear friends. They totally understood why.
Anyway - this weekend, small gathering of very good friends - most of whom have known my H & I since High School. They all know due to random circumstances where someone else (no idea how he knew) mentioned it, assuming they knew already. Anyway, it's been discussed to death & my friends support me, some more than others, but I guess I'm more concerned about their spouses who have been pretty tough on my h about it. I dont want my H to feel uncomfortable, I hope we can just socialize like we used. I just get the feeling that people are going to look at us & wont be able to help scrutinizing our interactions, especially as in the past, when we've socialized "together", we rarely spoke to each other the whole night. So now, that my H & I are trying to fix our m, it has been different. Damn, I think about things too much. I just need to lighten up.

NJGirl - you make a very good point. I'm sure our point of view and our attention to these kind of issues is way out of the "norm".

Anyway, lets hope this rain stops soon. Be well all!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.