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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger:

ya'll are my sunshine ... that is our theme song BTW

this is an issue...some of the words are perfect to this song...but what the song is really about well i will post the lyrics...hang tight til the last verses....its actually a bit shocking to me, cause i don't think i ever paid attention before..

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.
The other night dear as I was sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke dear I was mistaken
And I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You told me once dear
That you really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you’ve left me
And you love another
You have shattered all my dreams

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.


the thought behind the suggestion is awesome though...and if we could cut that song off at the ahlfway point it would be a winner...

njgal:

But, mostly, what d-day has taught me is to never judge others!

Because you never really understand what someone else is going through until you have walked in their shoes!

so true....

I remember during the Clinton/Lewinsky affair... I thought Hillary was showing weakness by staying with Bill.Now, I look at it completely differently.

you know i too changed my perspective on this after d-day....and so many others...

allgood:


Wouldn't you know, he read the article he didnt read over the past 4 months or so & contacted me. I felt like telling him that reading the article wasnt enough, he had to implement the changes, but I had the fortitude to keep my big mouth shut & he came through yesterday. So, hopefully he can keep this up.

i have been thinkin bout your ws....he might be the kind of person that needs to be seeded...

basically you without being harsh, judgemental, nasty, accuatory or anything else negative...plant a seed of info...like hand him the article and then let it go...and maybe the seed will grow...or plant an idea in his head...see if that grows..

this kind of individual usually has a huge ego based in huge insecurity....and sometimes needs to feel like (s)he came up with whatever it is that grew on their own...

this takes patience and tact...2 very hard traits to embody after d-day...especially when that person is exasperating, insensitive and stupid...

you could try this with something small and inconsequential just to see if it works...


o.k. my sich with my dd17...she didn't lie to me exactly...at least not that i can prove right now...

yesterday she stole money from me...which is so out of character for who she is...she is amazingly bright, academically, we couldn't ask for more, she is basically going to college in the fall and the only cost she will have will be admin. fees and books..the rest was taken care of by scholarships and a small amount from grants..

she has an amazing head on her shoulders, is rational, clearheaded, logical...always a good girl...

she has always been in love with money...has been slightly greedy but yet generous to a fault...

yesterday i put money on the table, ironically it was money for her, money she earned pet sitting that was given to me to give to her...anyways..when i got home from all the school pickups i saw the money was missing...i called out to her to ask her if she took it...only one other child was home, but somehow i figured that she took it because maybe the person who drpped it off for her told her it was there...she took it alright but she had no clue what the money was for...

no real remorse just a general i'm sorry...she saw how upset i was, and still no real remorse...i got the impression that she feels entitled to it..entitled to take whatever she pleases from me and her dad...she denied taking other monies from us, but my son the one who does lie all the time says diff...my gut tells me she has been taking money from us for years...not big money...i think she hits the change, my purse that i keep for little odds and ends that has singles...and this money yesterday was $25..not exactly change...not huge, but not small either...and that is not the point anyway...she stole from me and her dad...

now if she has been doing this for years this is a huge issue...and i have no idea how to correct this sense of entitlement..

if she has been doing this only lately this may be directed at pfm because she knows of his infidelities....

needless to say this has put a speeding bullet on seeking family therapy...we have been waiting for both pfm's c and my c to come up with names, but they have not come up with anything and its already been awhile since asking...so i think i am on my own to find someone...

i am praying that her issue is the one lashing out her dad...a much easier issue to deal with all around...and almost understandable...

my kids want for nothing btw, we have anice house filled with stuff, they all earn money, their allowance is small, i believe monies need to be earned to be appreciated, they do always have opportunities to earn extra money doing chores, we even started family vacations, that was the only thing we really lacked as a family...

i just don't get it...and the sense of betrayal i feel is huge, not nearly like what i felt and still feel with pfm, but it is up there...

i will get through this, this i know, i just am not too sure how i am gonna come out on the other side...

i'd like to scream now..

"CALGON TAKE ME AWAY"...

for you youngins that is from a commercial from way way back when...kind of means zap to spa day...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.. thanks for the kind words. I thank you for sharing your comments too. It seems you have the strength and wisdom to see what you H is doing.

Allgood... I can tell you today, none of our friends ever bring up our R... we just have fun now. I think time heals that as others have said. I also agree with Iwant.. keep planting seeds... I call it doing the heavy lifting... I have done all the heavy lifting in our R.

Iwant… Sorry your daughter stole from you. Our kid may have stolen but for the fact I never say no to them. They always get what they want. For the most part, they also always do as I ask… ie mow the yard, put dishes away… my son from Purdue comes home today and just does these things.. although he got a parking ticket the other day… his 3rd big fine (speeding and check bounce) this year… I told him how I felt about it… he said he would be more responsible and did apologies… we’ll see?

Nofun… welcome back.. always good to hear from ya…

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:31 AM, April 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok at risk of making a fool of myself and for your Entertainment... I think Iwant has followed it. That's why she told me about her bird crashing into her window earlier this week... here a story..


The sacrifice of life

My mind was so focused on making money. It was about me, my retirement, easy fast money and business deals. How and where can I make the next $100,000? This was very high in my priority ever since the day I graduated from college. All the money was so important, was I blind to see my wife not feeling loved, ignored her communication, and spent too much time away?

My company thought I was visiting a manufacturing plant in Mississippi. It was a lie. I had other motives. One of my best friends said stay away, but the money looked too good. Blinded not only by this day, but blinded by many days with greed and selfishness. Organized crime, Satan, does exist and they make it look good.

The facility I visited was the place I wanted to see with my own eyes before my thousands invested. This was going to change the United States and make us less dependant on the Middle East. It was biofuel and Pyrolysis oil.

The bad karma started. The day I left, I forgot my wallet. I had no cash, no credit cards, no check book. Three hours into my drive is when I noticed that I left it. I had a customer in Kentucky and was very close, so I stopped in for help. He loaned me $400.

I spent the night in a hotel in Mississippi on the night before my visit. That next morning, I left the hotel for a two hour drive to the plant. When I arrived, I realized I left my laptop in the lobby of the hotel. I called and they had it. Thank God.

After the visit, I decided to take a chance on this opportunity. Yes, I could make a quarter million. Excited and pissed at the same time because I left that damn laptop and no wallet. My GPS place me on a beautiful road called the Natchez Trace Parkway. It is a national scenic byway an ancient trail used by animals and people that connected southern portions of the Mississippi River, through Alabama, to salt licks in today's central Tennessee.

I was running late and this road was far from a fast route. In my frustrations, I failed to notice all the beauty on this road I traveled, only to see it in peripheral views. I was living a life in a fog.

Two doves were in the middle of the road. I’m not sure why I did it, but I push my accelerator to the floor thinking you had better get out of my way. As I approached the doves, a brief thought about how stupid they are not moving out of my way. My car rolled over both. In my rear view window, I could see feathers fly and the dove flipping and turning on the road in death.

I can remember thinking Immediately, I thought about the death of a family. As I tried to justify it was not my fault in my head, I could not. I killed those two innocent bird on purpose for no purpose. I kill two lovers. I began to think about how birds mate for life. I killed those birds, those angels, and that was not me. God popped into my head at that very moment. I prayed to God to please forgive me.

Today, I see that day as a message to me about my own greed and selfishness. Those angels sacrificed there lives that day for me, as did Jesus did for us all. Yes, you can say it is only a bird. But it was life. I do feel forgiveness. Forgiveness is such a blessing. This was only the beginning of angels visiting me.

And yes, Satan did take my money on that deal.


The Angels Warnings

I received a letter from someone who described themselves as a Christian. As I read the letter a second time, the message sunk in. I must have turned white when she snatched the letter from my hands. That day while I looked at her in silence, the words of, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do…were said over and over. Today, those words are burned firmly in my mind. The world as I saw it had just changed.

At 47 years old, I had never felt mental pain nor ever felt unhappiness. See, God had only given me the simple death of doves to feel guilty over.

The months that followed were absolutely excruciating. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill. My mind was taken over for hours and hours of negativity. I prayed and prayed for the pain to leave. The “why me” oh lord.

I wanted it all to end so badly, to heal, and to move on. My mind and brain was just not capable. Hour after hour, my negative thoughts to kill my wife lover, to leave my family, and even leave this world. I prayed for help.


Slowly, I started to learn about forgiveness. Slowly, I started to try to change my mind to think about killing myself, my wife’s lover, infidelity, and change my thoughts to happier times or my job. It was purposely.


One dark night as I was drive down the road my mind was again thinking about adultery when all the sudden a black figure flies across my window shield. It was a big bird and since it was at nighttime, I suppose it was an owl or a hawk. It surprised me where my stomach dropped and my reaction was to quickly touch the breaks.

Immediately, my mind told me to stop thinking about my wife’s failings and think about forgiveness, healing, and something other then betrayal. I did it.

However, the unhappiness and the obsessions continue. I discover something about myself that is both positive and negative. I am diagnosed by my marriage councilor as obsessive. It has made me successful in business, but the fixations can be damaging.

As I am driving in Ohio, my fixations are ever present on what should I do with my marriage. Suddenly, a robin or sparrow flies across my window to near instant death. It is so fast and quick, I jerk the steering wheel. Immediately, my mind told me to stop thinking about this unhappiness.

Day after day, I start to notice the near deaths after I drive from one sales call to another. God enters my mind saying angels are telling me to stop thinking about my past and focus on my future. The birds are angels and will guide me. I take all this lightly.

But time and time again, I cannot ever remember my car and birds near so many collisions. It is so very unusual. For me, it might happen once every year of so. You know what I’m talking about. When you get so startled, you jerk the wheel or slam the brake kind of feeling

As I am sitting on my couch, again, I’m thinking about the past, dwelling in horrible thoughts, a bird crashes into my front door. It was not a simple crash but very loud. It shook my storm door, startling my dog to bark. I prayed thanks to God and forced myself to think of something positive.

I grew to believe that with every sight of a bird, I now view them as my angels watching over me.

I jokingly say something to my angle friend. I tell her about the near misses. She has experienced the same pain and understands what I’m going through. She’s a power walker and while on a walk, she sees two beautiful white swans, not native to her area in the local pond. She tells me a message perhaps. Angels that day brought me a very happy smile.

I drive so much and again I am dwelling on unpleasant history. It is in Michigan, I see for the first time in my life two Sandhill Cranes in field. I grabbed my camera to take some pictures. This capture gave me so much joy, and even today, I feel happiness when I see the pictures. God told me through my mind these Cranes mate for life. I think is has been a message that keeps me going when my brain says to quit.

Touched by God

Something kept telling me to end my marriage. Nobody would blame me and even in the bible says you can divorce after infidelity. I had just physically hurt my wife in rage. I was about as low as anybody could get. It was time to end my marriage.

Today, I think the lord had blessed me and because these birds kept sending these messages, and for I think that reason, I made a decision to change direction and seek Individual Counseling through my church. Sweet Louise entered my life.

Sweet Louise had asked me to read The Five languages of Love and she said that we should think about going to Retrouvaille. Retrouvaille is a French word meaning rediscovery and has been an organization that is designed to help couples about to end there marriage. My wife loved me enough to read the book and agreed to go to Retrouvaille for me.

I had briefly told my wife about all these birds helping me control my mind and they gave me strength. I even said I think they may be angels. She had known about the Sand hill Cranes and I told her they mated for life.

Throughout my wife’s life, she has hidden some very horrific events and bad choices. After I left a large bruise on my wife’s arm, I confessed my sins. It is amazing the relief I felt and after being so afraid. I encourage my wife with my story. She had not given a confession since a little girl.

Retrouvaille was very scary. My wife did not want to go. The fear of being embarrassed, having to tell your story, your failings, you marriage coming to an end. We never had to do all that. As we looked around, we wondered what the heck all the other people were doing here. What was wrong with them? The same as us I supposed.

The program teaches you to talk to each other in a way we never have. It is not easy to learn after years of being married, each of us wearing mask. It took us into a very emotional place and we made the decision to love each other again. My wife and I gave it our all.

As I said, it is not easy to learn this new technique. At one point in our one-on-one time, my anger grew very intense. I was not following the program. I was starting to revisit the past. I wanted to hurt my wife. At that very moment, a large crash happened in our window. It was loud enough to make my body jump. As I reacted to see what it was, I noticed a bird flying away. This angel had struck the window, at that exact moment I was going off track. It was an amazing moment of timing and I don’t believe in any way it was a coincidence. My wife too believes it was an angel there to warn us.

That weekend, 10 months after I discovered my wife’s infidelity, she firmly re-committed that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She confessed her sins, and we both learned a new way to treat each other, a new way to talk to each other.

So when I think about birds, I think about angels.


6/5/09 - My wife forgives me
I still see the bruise on her arm and cry. She told me last night that she is so sorry for causing me to be a man I was never. This was not her fault.

A thought of hurt
… and the dove flies across my windshield almost to death
A thought of hurt
… and the dove flies across my windshield again to almost death
A thought of hurt
… and the dove flies into my storm door running from the hawk
A real hurt… after the third
… Oh god forgive me.


4/7/10 – My angel sees a crash
Carefree, our wings are spread, as we glide with speed and glee.
Whamm.. boom…a tremendous wall, we did not see it, we hit a glass.
It shatters our minds, our lives are in shock, concussion…
It’s a Robbing… knocked out.
The stars are gathered… as the pain slowly goes away.
We stand up again with knowledge and wisdom.
We know where to not fly… and fly off again.



Hyacinth -- I am sorry, Please forgive me White Tulip - forgiveness Doves - mates for life


[This message edited by trynhard at 12:07 PM, April 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - my H is a city fire fighter and yes, they are "brothers". Most of them are or have had affairs so why in God's name did I think mine was different?

All- I always went to fire dept. functions, now I won't show my face. I want nothing to do with any of them. My H is due to retire any timenow and I told him I will not attend the retirement party the dept throws for him. I just wish I could get rid of some of this anger. It's starting to scare me.

I have no advice for any of you as I'm in such a confused and depressed state myself right now. I just want you to know that I read your posts and can relate on so many levels.

And to those with teenagers...I've been there and it is so worrisome but somehow everything turns out, they mature and grow up and things settle down. Right after Dday my H told me that one of the reasons he had the A was to escape (we had 3 teenagers at the time). He said he felt I was too busy with the kids, and I had just purchased a business (at his insistance) and so was not giving him the attention he needed...nice huh..blame it on me!

So while I was busy with the home, the kids, the business, he was escaping to fantasy land. He couldn't handle it.

I just wish everyone peace in their life. I so want some peace even if it's for a short time.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well nofun, I think there are two ways to get to that peace you seek.

Have the courage to leave and start a new life....

or

After your mind can process the trauma... Let what he did go...

Take your pick... which one is easier?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know which one is easier....stay or go?

I'm still trying to figure it out. I was doing ok until TT about 3 weeks ago and then bammmm.....right back down the rabbit hole. I think the lies and secrets are worse than the affair itself. I don't feel I have the whole truth yet. How could I? It spans 10 - 12 years. I'm not even sure when it began.

H says he has told me everything but I know better. He says the typical "it's not what you think it is".

I don't even know what to ask him? My mind is so scattered still.

How long out is everybody?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun: i read your profile, i read a few of your posts, but i do not know your story....we are here for you if you want us to be...i will be around in and out all weekend...i know you lurk..so you know i always have questions...if you ask me not to ask i will respect your wishes...sometimes it just helps to write it out, or tell it out...do you have someone irl?

tryn: never a fool my friend...never a fool and your story is not entertainment ...its life, a part of your life...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle -
I am not that good at putting words on paper. I'm scattered. And I actually feel scattered.

Plus I feel like there is so much to the story I don't even know where to begin. So I do lurk a lot.
And when I do write something, it feels full of anger. We are going to MC and I really would like my M to work but I think it's me.

Thanks for listening.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun: i am here and will listen anytime..

i understand that scattered feeling, it is usually when i start my ramblin, which i do often at times...and i feel like i am in a million places and they are all broken, no matter which way i sometimes turn, they are all broken....then i see a itty bitty light...some things start to make sense...at least til the next meltdown.. ..thankfully i do not have as many as i used too...and i now know enough to take that little pill called xanax...i don't do that too often though i am not a fan of taking meds or drugs for pretty much anything...and even the xanax it is the lowest dosage and i only take a half...i am a meds wuss..


anyways i am here, you can pm me to if you want to...

(((nofun)))

i hope you have someone irl to give you one of those hugs in person, i sense you could use one...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not that I don't have anyone IRL to talk to, it's just that I don't.

I've volunteered a lot of my time as a family mediator listening to hundreds and hundreds of troubled teens and their parents but when it comes to me talking to someone else, I have a hard time.

I can't even open up to the MC.

I'm also one of those people that doesn't like meds. If I feel like I'm just about over the edge, I'll take an ativan (the lowest dose).

Thank Goodness for all you wonderful people who know first hand what we are all going through.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun:

what is ativan...is it like xanax...?

as a mediator i think you know that keeping it all in not healthy..

find someone, anyone that you can trust...even if its not often...even someone here...it does help...

for me, i have always internalized pretty much everything, i learned early in life that there really weren't too many people that i could trust, i got burned way too many times..the only person it turns out that i trust 100% is my mom, but there are things that one just doesnt talk to her mom about...kwim..

finding si has been almost an awakening for me...i am careful of what i post because of pfm posting and reading, but i have made a few freinds here that i pm too and that has been the icing on top of my cake....i also go to ic...yet another hurdle for me...took awhile to warm up to her...but it has turned into my safe place to fall...and its funny because it was about 3months or so ago that i realized that...i am going to her for over a year now and and it took almost that long to realize that....im ramblin again..sorry...what i am trying to say in the most long winded post is that finding someone, anyone, even if its sporadic can be really helpful...and i know that feeling somewhat better about all this shit has got to be even a little tempting...i hope.....

find someone....or journal at least to yourself...get it out, purge it...its like a toxin within....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: Teens are hard, but we can weather them. I understand why you are upset, because what happened is not in isolation, but in the middle of all the chaos so it can cause bad triggers. I feel your daughter just wasn't thinking.

LOL, and I'm old enough to remember "Calgon take me away!!"

Tryn: Wow, we have a great author in our midst. That was a tremendous story, I really liked it. I loved the symbolism of the birds: the doves, sandhill cranes, robins of spring and even the evil hawks. It is an inspiring story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Nofun: Don't worry about sounding angry. That's what SI is about, a place to vent if you need to. As I said, my first xWH was a city firefighter (and DS 34 is also one) so I understand all the crap that goes on with them

I went to see the results of the STD tests and all is well thank God. I also asked him about ummmm..... what my husband is always complaining about...."too loose" and he says it's in the normal range. There is nothing wrong, everything is fine.
It's so stupid. I keep focusing on this shit. xWH used to say my thighs were too heavy, so there was my focus.
I keep letting his perception of me dictate the perception I have of myself.

If I had a wish, I wish I could win a big lottery so I do not have to depend on him financially and just kick him from here to ......eternity!!

I'm just having a bad few days and the rain here hasn't helped, I think I have SAD. How appropriate that acronym is!

{{{{tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all!

Tryn: Thank you very much for your post. It's really given me a lot to think about & I'm going to try to focus on the future as well. I totally understand what you mean about wearing a "mask". One day I think I will mention Retovaille to my h, but, I really don't think he's ready for such a thing right now. (I know this must sound like I'm an idiot, like I'm putting my h's needs ahead of what might help our marriage, but I just don't think he has the ability to open up to anyone yet. I don't get the impression he's opening up in ic yet either.)

Miracle: I'm puzzled by what your daughter has done. I'm sure you will figure it out though. And the Calgon reference - man I think about that a lot.

Nofun: I know that scattered feeling too. For me, posting here has helped me clarify my own concerns, needs, etc. As a lot of people have been saying lately stuff about - the editing tool & editing their posts, etc. My posts are usually revised many times before I post. I just type whatever I think, rambling and all, then I go back & look at each thought & try to get to the bottom of it, or identify it in terms of something simpler. I don't know if that makes sense. But, maybe try that - for your own sake - the rest of us can wade through it all, we can relate, and there are some people here that are very perceptive & will see what you are saying no matter how scattered you may be.
I also think the journal is a great idea. Not only is it therapeutic, but sometimes it might be helpful for you to go back & see that progress actually has been made.

Honest: your h is a jackass, seriously. I think you should go out one night & see how other men look at you. Last week, someone held a door open for me at the top of a stair well. (He works in the same building as me, but I dont know him). I was at the bottom of the flight - I said - don't worry about holding the door for me. He closed the door & I thought walked away, but a few seconds later, the door opens again & it's him - holding the door for me with a big smile. I laughed & said thanks & that was the end of the exchange, but for a second - I was like - hey why is he being so nice - maybe he thinks I'm cute! As I've only dated my h & dont have any real experience with this kind of thing I could clearly be mis-reading the situation, but the point is, it reminded me that there are other people out there, people that might appreciate me for being me. Sorry this took so long to explain - but I hope you see what I mean. I am quite sure that you are seeing yourself through your husband's eyes, and, as we have already established that he is a jackass, you should stop doing so immediately!

Anyway -that's all I can say for now, I have to get these kids out the door so I can head out to my race.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:45 AM, April 10th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks guys for all the words of encouragement and validation that i am not the only one perplexed by dd17...

allgood: run a great race....and that guy holding the dorr for you...you want a bet that if you were nothing to look at that would not have happened....and sometimes those fleeting flitry moments are all one needs to feel good about oneself...

honest: great to hear that all your tests came back neg.that is a yay...

and you said it best yourself...

I keep letting his perception of me dictate the perception I have of myself

so what are you gonna do bout that????

and what is "sad"?

and ladies....maybe we should have a calgon day...what ya think?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey nofun...
I don't know which one is easier....stay or go?
I'm still trying to figure it out.
I know.. You are still in grief and you seem to have not yet fully chosen to forgive you H.

My W is a “hold it in” kinda girl… I know that is not healthy… I’ll tell you that you need to change… change is hard. That is why you haven’t left your H… fear, ego and more…

I really would like my M to work but I think it's me
Yep... You can only control the things you do. If you act up, mope, claim up, and all those grieving behaviors that make you feel the way you do... then you will. You have not yet decided to love your H again. You have not yet forgiven… at least in full. Maybe it’s just a setback right now? I expect them.

I know you found out about that trip to Vegas. I know that hurts. How are you going to get to that place where that stuff just doesn't matter today? What are YOU going to do about it? Your H’s Affair lasted for 12 years.. my W’s 8… That is a hell of a lot of years… So much happened… My wife was with her lover everyday during that time at her work… Stuff happened that she just is not going to tell me or even forgot… I really have come to accept they did it all… accepting starts with a choice to accept, a choice to forgive, a choice to fight it.. for what it is… it’s ugly. Does it still pinch me when I think about it? Yes… but I accept that pain now too and can often divert that memory to something sweet and fun.. am I still in this process.. Hell yes.

For me nofun, I know my wife in 8 years did alot of stuff like that with OM... At one time, I needed to know what the hell they did, where, when etc… That was my ego, pride… I called that getting my Lion knocked out of me… lol... Today, I know she lied about many things because she thinks it would be so ugly for me to hear. It would be. It was hurtful stuff. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I just don't care about knowing. Even if I discover something new, it just won’t matter. That was then. Today, I have no evidence she is doing any of that.

How did I get to this point today? It starts with a decision, a choice, a goal… It happened because I started with me… I started the forgiveness process almost the day after dday. I didn’t know how to forgive. It took me to research, soul search, and many hours of talking about it, writing about and thinking about it. It is a serious brain injury we have been through. You are in the brain injury of GRIEF. It is a long process to fix it… I do not confess to being out of grief but I am at end the point of getting my life back to some happiness… I am going to be at peace in my life either with my wife, or without. My grief is ending and I know the point at which I am… I know what I did to get here and I am sharing it with you….

Let me tell you something. Sooner or later, you are going to stop grieving no matter if you want to or not. It is going to happen. The length of time you allow you suffering to continue depends you your ability to learn and change to do things have been known since before biblical times. Funny thing is this… you don’t even need to believe in God to forgive. Grief and forgiveness I have discovered are intertwined.

I know this… You must make the choice to forgive and then the grief begins goes away. It’s ok if you cannot forgive or you don’t want to forgive. I’m 100% convinced that adultery is one of those things where it is easier to walk away, be far enough away to then be able to look back years later and be at peace with it…taking years later to finally make that choice to forgive. But no matter what, every one of us goes through grief. To stay in your marriage and forgive is a hard choice.

You must be WISE enough to determine if you spouse is capable of change. Is he going to be you partner or not? Is he going to take care of you if you get sick or you throw you out and make you someone else’s problem? Is he going to stand by you when attacked or let you wither away on the vine? Is your H going to make the decision to work hard to do nothing but desirable things from today and beyond? Does he even see things he does that are undesirable… do you do things that are undesirable? It does take both of you to re-commit to the M…. See, either you are going to make this marriage work and AWAKE it, or you are going to stay in misery.

You can only control yourself. Living in the past, holding a grudge, withdrawal are desire destroyers. You are not being desirable in your relationship. Accepting desire destroyer from your H is only something you can control with you setting your own boundaries..

Today, I fight every desire destroyers with boundaries I set. When my wife criticizes me, I listen, not debate, to see if it is justified… If my wife withdrawals, I try and ask her to not. If my wife has negative attitude, I try to do something known to be positive, If my wife fails in communication, I ask questions. If my wife holds a grudge, I will not be with some like her, I will divorce. If my wife name calls, I will not be with someone like her, I will divorce. If my wife is stuck in negative “self talk”, I try to be positive; If my wife is someone that “must win”, I will not be with someone that like, I will divorce; if my wife starts to live the unpleasant past, I will not be with someone like that, I will divorce… and if my cannot commit to only me.. I divorce.

I in turn, only can control my own desire builders… Positive, affirmation, present and future focused, affection, forgiveness, change, reliability, romance, cooperative attitude, communication…

Wow… do I hold some power… lol… This is a fight with mental illness, mental power, and mental strength…. I sound like a preacher… lol… anyway… that is the way I think.

Heck… I gotta go do a favor for my neighbor…


Iwant.... I'm having a Tide day myself.. W is in FL and coming home tonight. I'm going to give her the gift of a clean house with all the laundry done, folded and put away!

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:14 AM, April 10th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh !!! sorry bout the song ... ugh ... thought the song was better and I thought it was the song we had liked ...

anyway ... going back to studying ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

I'm having a Tide day myself..

not quite the same as a calgon day....

but:

the upside for your w:

W is in FL and coming home tonight. I'm going to give her the gift of a clean house with all the laundry done, folded and put away!

and maybe the upside for tryn will be a happy wife who wants to make a happy tryn

booger: don't sweat it, he sentiment was there..

and good girl with your studying..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: Good for you that some gentleman held the door for you! I posted on another thread that I never noticed if guys were looking at me because I'm married. Period. But lately, because of my sitch, I've just been noticing that guys are looking at me, even though I'm overweight. (the infidelity diet worked wonders with first xWH, but this time one of the meds is supposed to make a person GAIN weight, and I've been stable...guess if I wasn't taking it, I'd be much thinner now)

miracle: I hope you are feeling better with DD. Hopefully, you have had a long talk with her. I felt that the age of 17 (especially for boys) was the worst age for some reason. I also hope that you are recovering well from your surgery.

By the way, SAD is for Seasonal Affective Disorder...some new fashioned name they came up with for people who feel down in the winter or cloudy days because of lack of the sun. They say it's photosensitivity...people feel they lose energy when it's dark. I've read about it , and it did describe me to a "T". Another excuse for me not to want to do housework on a rainy day!!
Tryn: I liked your post to Nofun. There is a lot of good advice there. I was willing and able to do all that you mentioned, but I can't do it alone, and not without the commitment of WH to me. I am trying to let go and disconnect.
Nofun: 12 years is a long time. I don't even know if it's 8 or 10 years with my WH. It hurts like hell. It's hard to get your mind wrapped around it. I agree with Tryn, if your WH is trying to make amends, see if you can try to go forward. I want to, and am ready, but crap is still going on NOW that is making it impossible to go on.

Booger: I'm glad to hear that you are doing well in school. I went back for my Masters with first xWH and it gave me a lot of self esteem to really see what I can do on my own. It gives a lot of self confidence, especially since it's not easy and hard work, but attainable. Bravo!!

As for me, why won't he leave me alone? He keeps calling me and telling me he misses me. I don't respond to that, just am trying to be civil and telling him just about the kids and finances. Then he has the nerve to ask me to write him a "love letter" email. I just laughed and changed the subject and got off the phone. I really think my IC is right, he's a narcissist (or at least has a LOT of the traits!!)

It feels so much like our dating days right now. He'd try to pull me in, and then push me away. He's like a toxic drug to me that I'm addicted to. On one hand I want him to go away completely and then on the other I feel sad if he doesn't call. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that now I have more control......I just had a gestalt.....When he tells me all his crap and he pulls away, I feel like the choice is gone, he made the choice and I'm a victim. There's nothing I can do about it. But when he calls, I feel like he still wants me and I have some element of control and can make a choice.
Does this sound crazy? I guess it boils down to wanting to be loved. I told my mother with xWH that it would have been easier if he died, and she said, "where there's life there's hope". I disagreed. If xWH died without cheating, I would not have the extra betrayal. I would feel he loved me to the day he died and I would miss him and mourn him, but my sense of self would not have been so detroyed by not only the betrayal itself, but the horrible aftermath of TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, multiple DDays and False R and then being left for the other woman (whom he ended up leaving before the year was out)

The main problem with WH is financial which I really can't discuss, but I have to stay married to him legally for a while. I need to get back on MY feet financially. Was a SAHM for several years. Gave up my career for OUR kids, etc etc. I think I have to join Booger and go back to school for a while.

{{{{{{tribe}}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin....
your story was amazing!
The symbolism....I do believe in signs.
Your description of reading the heartbreaking letter...the shock...for months-I can certainly relate.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest certain parts of your post totally screamed at me, here goes:

why won't he leave me alone? He keeps calling me and telling me he misses me. I don't respond to that,

He'd try to pull me in, and then push me away.

.....When he tells me all his crap and he pulls away, I feel like the choice is gone, he made the choice and I'm a victim. There's nothing I can do about it. But when he calls, I feel like he still wants me and I have some element of control and can make a choice.

ALL of it is about control..

he does want you, but not the way you want him to want you...he needs to reel you back so that he could be free...yes free....because then he doesn't have to think about it anymore...right now he doesn't have control over you, you are exercising your own control and not letting him have his way...first he tried to bully you, an old tactic that didn't work, so now he has to go back to the dating game...and make no mistake about it this is all a game to him and he won't be happy unless he wins...he wants it all...and i mean all...he is probably the type that even when he doesn't want you that is ok with him and its not ok for anyone else to have you either...he seems to treat you and the others as well as possessions instead of people who have rights and feelings..and when he does recognize that you have feelings, its only so he can manipulate you into doing what he wants....

this man is not a nice man, and i am so so sorry honest but he is not a nice man and he is very toxic to you...and you are right he is like a drug..

i understand the need to keep things as they are so that you can get your ducks in a row...so take advantage of everything you possibly can do to so...

there is a really good possibility that when the day comes that you leave him he will not let you go willingly or easy...so prepare well...

and i agree with what you told your mother, i actually said those words almost everyday since my d-day

it would have been so much easier if he just died...i wish he just died instead every single day...and so far that has not changed...i would have greived for the man i thought he was and my heart would be heavy but it would not be shattered...my heart would grieve for what it lost, not what was never mine...i would have grieved and by now i would be getting on with MY life...this way my life is on hold...and my heart feels as though it is forever broken...and even though i think my heart will heal, it suffered such a major blow, it will never be the same or love the same ever again...

there was a death, it wasn't his, it was the death of my dream, my innocence, my belief system, my trust in others, my perceptions, so much of what i held dear has died....if just he died all of that will have lived on...and i will have believed that he died really loving me...now i know that he never really did, he couldn't because he didn't know how, he never knew how...and now i know he loved another better and longer...

so yes honest i could so relate to he should have died instead....

now its time for you to take back your life, and the control of your life...he has had for far too long....that part you don't have to wait for,...that part you can do yesterday...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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