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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, April 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip:

I guess I will give you a pass.

so where is this pass for?...i would like a pass to go to the calgon spa please..


My new word for this disorder is inappropriatelanguagejustificationsyndrome.

i do seem to have quite alot of these disorders, don't i..

tryn: thanks for the explanation..

signed
dr iwant

gotta go start my pickups now talk to ya guys later..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn – Thank you for your advice. You are right…I’m the one that needs to make the change. Your post is an eye opener for me. I asked my MC today, how do I get past the anger? How do I get past the negative thoughts? I was at a point last month where I didn’t care about knowing anything else about the affair….I was moving on, or so I thought. Then bam, TT and I’m farther back than I care to be. He told the MC today that he will not answer any more questions. He’s done. Do I really need to know anything more? It’s all bad, It’s all horrible like you said, 12 years of lies, cheating and deceptions. I guess I wonder why he would tell me the truth now? That’s one of the reasons I find it difficult to trust his word. Is that why I keep digging? I still feel like there are so many unknowns and rightly so, 12 years of unknowns. And forgiveness? I haven’t even thought about forgiveness…I’m a grudge holder!!!! And that isn’t a good quality on my part.

My H is one of those guys that clams up, he walks away and leaves me floundering like fish out of water when things get tough. And it builds and builds and the more I harbor the hurt feelings the more I feel the need to run and get away from the son of a bitch that did this to me.

It has just recently dawned on me that FWH’s way of saying “I love you” is to do things for me such as cleaning the house, warming the car when it’s cold out, washing clothes, loading the dishwasher, helping me in my business. Like today, I am out of sorts and he’s in the office helping because I could not go in. It’s not even his business and after all the crap I’ve been giving him you’d think he would run away and never come back. I know he’s trying. He may not put his arm around me or be affectionate (he never was) but it’s his way. The MC wants to see me alone next week. He said, your husband is in pain. God knows what he wants to say to me alone. It’s also taking a toll on his health. I think the stress is doing him in.

I need to go forward, not backwards. Yes, CHANGE IS SO HARD!! I need the “mental power”, and the “mental strength” to move ahead. I know you are right. MC said I’m in a deep dark place right now and he believes I will come out of it. I hope he’s right. I hate feeling like this.

Also, it helps so much to know that there are others out there that are dealing with LTAs. It’s nice to know that a marriage can work after a LTA. You are a perfect example. Thank you again.



BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 4:50 PM, April 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THANK YOU LTA'ers

you all were awesome and I so appreciate you all and your advice ... I thought of it all day

I am back to my regular self again ... dips on the coaster are getting shorter and less intense ...

this one however struck hard and fast ... I thought I might get triggered had no idea it would come on so quick and be so powerful ...

But just like that as quick as it came it went ... like a fast moving thunderstorm ...

I responded to iwant in my thread in general and said while yes I have done the work to get here ... but there were times when I did not do the work and you all, here in LTA and a couple others on SI, carried me ...

like the poem footprints ...

so thank you when I couldn't do it or I fell down you all were there to pick me up and carry me till I could walk again ... and I can walk again ...

so a big heart felt thank you ...

(((iwant )))

I really wanna answer everyone ... I cannot as I have another test tomorrow I have not studied for ... spent all weekend studying for my cardio test today ...

I swear I will catch back up with you all hopefully tomorrow or this weekend ... and please know that if I can be of any help my pm door is always open

I miss ya'll ... when I had days where I had nothing to do but wait on this thread to be updated and post ... awww the pain and time to get an education to get $$$ so I can be independant with out my asshole stbxwh ...

***tribe***

p.s. BTW gonna go make a PB & J if any one cares ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun.

I'm sure tryn will be along later with more good advice for you. He is pretty smart about this stuff.

I'm kind of a grudge holder too. I'm sure that this can slow down the healing process. It is not something that is impossible to overcome though. I think that the betrayal of the A will make a non grudge holder into a grudge holder.

There are lots of LTA survivors that are succesful in rebuilding their M. It just takes time, more for some than others.

tryn.

I have always had a way with animals and wildlife. The critters of the woods seem to alow me to get closer than they do others. It is something I enjoy. They say amimals are a good judge of character.

I think the WS cheaters manual is something they read and then it self-distructs. There has to be something. They all seem to do the same shit with the same excuses.

miracle.

Here it is. ONE FREE PASS TO THE CALGON SPA. Take as many friends as you like. The rubber check is in the mail.

You probably don't have anymore disorders than some of us here. I just seem to like picking on you and making up words to describe your problems. Why is this? Cause you started it!

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My anniversary is this month, 34 years.

I'm having a hard time with this. I just want to ignore it and make believe it never happened. FWH spent our anniversary with OW last year. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up after it is all over. I'm getting anxiety over it.

What did you do at anniversary time? I'm sorry to ask so many questions.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, April 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun: it will be my anniversary too this month...but i am not in r, i am in just survival mode and that is pretty much how i stay...

just a thought, take your anniversary back..where it belongs with you and your h.....find something totally new to do that is just for the 2 of you...something fun, where you could laugh...like maybe a carnival fun house, mini golf blindfolded...ballroom dancing..something where you could be busy and having some laughs where neither one of you has to worry about conversation...go bumper car racing...busy and fun...and only a few drink, no more then a few though...drinks tend to not bring out the best in people...maybe one or two to help with the walls..


dip: yup i started it allright...i had no idea what kind of can i opened... ...


good luck on your test booger..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I had a good couple of days and now I feel myself sliding down.
I struggled with whether I should share this with my H or not & decided against it.

I believe it started when he told me that he's going to work ot later this week which means he'll leave for work in the am & I won't see him til the following night -with 5 hours of unaccounted for time between his regular and ot shift and 4 hours between the ot shift and the next day's shift. While I assume he will sleep during the latter period of time, that will not be the case for the 5 hours after his end of regular tour.
Last time he did this in February I found out from the GPS that he had gone to a bar between shifts, the only bar he would go to, same bar he's been with ow. (And if you recall, ow lives & works within a few miles of his workplace).
Obviously triggering because of all the "down time" in between the tours and this is one of the many ways my h was able to carry on this A without raising suspicions.

Following DDay, he used to offer to come home between shifts, now he doesn't. If I asked, he would do it. All I said at the moment is that I hate when he works these hours as I won't see him for so long. No real response from him other than he needs to do ot, blah blah blah.

Anyway, I assume that's why it starteed & it progressed through the day to the point where I was just feeling like what's the point. I'm never going to feel good about this - I'm never going to feel like he really wants to be with me, I'm never going to feel like I'm enough or what he really wants. I am in the trenches, working, caring for 4 small kids, including an extremely demanding 1 year old that really sucks every last bit of energy from me until she goes to sleep, usually at 9. Then, I'm supposed to have enough energy to play lover of the year? It just seems hopeless.

I'm not really down on myself - I'm just losing hope again about the ability to recover from this. Like, I know it's possible if your ws does handstands on a regular basis, but clearly that is not what is happening here. I do see changes, I guess I don't see enough to make me feel confident.

O- and the other trigger - how can I forget. Big work party this week that he's not going to because I know she will be there and I told him he can take me with him or not go. He chose the latter. Worrying a bit about what ow will say to my h's friends that will be at the party & what he will be feeling like when his friend relates this to him.
And, of course the day after the party is when the ot starts, so I wont even see him for a day & a half at that point.
Then, just to top it off, when he comes home from these ot shifts he's so exhausted he falls asleep early or stays awake but lacks any energy & we dont really spend any quality time together (at least from my perspective.)

Anyway, I already feel my mood changing and that reallly sucks. I'm sure going to work will really help (not). Ugh!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - I was triggering just reading your post. I think it's double hard to R when you have small children at home. I think it's the A that sucks the life right out of you the most.

Everything seems so difficult when we are in this state of mind.

Wouldn't it be great if we could go somewhere and have our minds erased (both WS and BS)and we could start all over?

I have MC (alone) on Monday and I'm nervous that I'm going to be blamed for the way I'm acting and feeling. Maybe it's just me, but I always feel like MC is siding with my FWH. I swear MC had an affair himself. Who knows!

Try not to lose hope....one day at a time and sometimes even one hour at a time. I tell myself this all the time and it's what gets me through the day. I still don't know how I have managed to continue to run my own demanding stressful business day in and day out. I have come in late and gone home early but never missed one day. I've had to shut the door in my office and cry many times.

Sometimes it's really a blessing when we have other responsibilities to keep our mind occupied.

There are so many things that bring on triggers that I wonder if they ever really go away.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks No Fun. I understand what you mean about being blamed - that's why I chose not to say anything to my H. I figure he rarely says anything that actually helps turn my mood around & all it will do is further convince him that I'm "never getting over this". Like I've said many times, when all is said and done, I want to know I did everything possible to R, even if that means struggling to heal without my H's assistance.
O - and by the way- my work - I'm a divorce attorney - so not much of a break there.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

Following DDay, he used to offer to come home between shifts, now he doesn't. If I asked, he would do it. All I said at the moment is that I hate when he works these hours as I won't see him for so long. No real response from him other than he needs to do ot, blah blah blah.

i think you need to ask him to come home period...we already established that your h is a bit dense and really wants all this to go away so he can go back to normal...well that is never gonna happen a new normal has to be put into place so that your marriage can survive with hopefully a happier mr and mrs allgood....

your h is not going to read between the lines, he is not going to do anything it seems without being asked most of the time...so ask...and let him know that it makes you unconfortable...and if he balks you let him know if his perps do this too, they get caught should they bitch about it or face the consequences of their actions...

Big work party this week that he's not going to because I know she will be there and I told him he can take me with him or not go. He chose the latter.

Worrying a bit about what ow will say to my h's friends that will be at the party & what he will be feeling like when his friend relates this to him.
And, of course the day after the party is when the ot starts, so I wont even see him for a day & a half at that point.

o.k. i think you need to relax a bit on the worry...what could that woman possibly say to the his friends, and what does it matter...he is choosing to not go to the party for you, he is choosing you and that will be quite clear to that woman and to his friends...who btw if they are married themselves are a hell of alot more understanding then they let on.....his friends i am sure understand that your h has been caught and his world is now between a rock and a hard place....and that is part of his conseqence....he is a big boy and will just have to deal....

alot of triggers like this one need to be worked through together, you are triggering because of an action on his part...he needs to know that this bothers you and why...and when you tell him, stick to the facts of how it makes you feel, keep it short and to the point i get the impression that he doesn't do long winded explanations without feeling like he is being attacked, and generally when people feel attacked they defend and in defending will sometimes offend...plant a see allgood and let it grow...and remember plant is and step back...as hard as this is because i know you really want to just lash out, that what we do sometimes when we are in pain....and you are afraid, so there is more then just hurt here, you have fear.....

and small children, especially a hyper kid will tend to exhaust us, its almost like they take whatever small amount of energy we have and feed off it...


nofun:

think it's the A that sucks the life right out of you the most.

Everything seems so difficult when we are in this state of mind.

Wouldn't it be great if we could go somewhere and have our minds erased (both WS and BS)and we could start all over?

yes dealing with the aftermath of all that this represents is def a thought and life sucking experience...and yes if would be wonderful if we lived in a world where bad memories, bad thought bad anything can be erased from our minds and our broken hearts....but alas that is not the world we live in...so we must learn to deal with this shit as best as we can...

have MC (alone) on Monday and I'm nervous that I'm going to be blamed for the way I'm acting and feeling. Maybe it's just me, but I always feel like MC is siding with my FWH. I swear MC had an affair himself. Who knows!

if this c blames you in any way shape or form it is time to get a new c.....hopefully he wants to see you alone to get your perspective while you are alone, to hear your fears, to give you some one on one....if it is anything else they run to another c as soon as possible....

counselers are human which means they can be quite faulty...they are not exempt from being stupid either...so keep this in mind..you have the world of si behind you so that you could discern if this c is "off"....


gotta go walk now, yay me...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - Wow, a divorce attorney and 4 small children.

God Bless You!

As hard as this is, we will get through this. Hopefully with everything still intact.

I just want to smile again.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wouldn't it be great if we could go somewhere and have our minds erased (both WS and BS) and we could start all over?

Yes, there is somewhere you can go that would begin to erase this and move ahead... Divorce.

With 100% certainty, all you’d have to do is put your name and pic on Match.com… Before you sign the D papers, some man would be hanging around... with the highest desire to talk to you, to hold you... and mostly a passion and lust you haven't seen in years a years... Yep 100% sure it would happen… and I don’t care how fat, skinny, or old you are… someone will be wanting you very badly. Your mind won’t think a bit about that SOB who cheated on you…. I have talked to so many single friends about this… 100% sure you will not be thinking A hurt anymore. 100%!

Nofun, I’m glad you are posting here.. you seem to be opening up a bit. Hah! You are starting to change.. lol… So… it seems you have some huge fears. I too had some fear that kept me married during some tough times… I don’t think you can bury this and heal. But, that is why you are here on SI & MC… This site is helping you overcome what’s happened.… BTW, I still say you will naturally heal in time. Nofun, I think after about a year post dday, you should try hard to make a decision to give it 100% or find a new partner. I say this so you are not stuck in unhappiness. It’s time for you to be happy. Period. It’s time. To be happy you must first make a commitment to yourself. I am going to stay and give my H 100% or I am going to hire Allgood and get Divorced and move on into a new relationship… you are still very young and the after a couple years of hard looking you will find a new man to spend the rest of you life with.. the looking can be a lot of fun too… meeting new people is always exciting… dinners, coffees, new adventures… new stories.. new friends…

I’ve made a comment about LTA have an advantage over folks in that ONS or Short affairs... Waywards in LTA had a relaxed disposition to cheat; the M life was satisfying but was not “completely satisfying”. I think in a LTA’s, that unhealthy relationship had time to “play out”. I think your spouse had a chance to know if the AP is a person they can truly partner with or not…. I think both Iwants and my M as an example of being M’d to someone that had a disposition to cheat.. Likely both from FOO issues. It sounds like your H may have fallen in the same mode…

Sometimes, I think people can wake-up from that life of being a cheater, a bad person, unfaithful and realize that NO relationship is perfect, and they have proven this by having that LTA, with nothing of anything of substance to show from it other then a few good conversations, ejaculations or orgasms. After being caught, it is a shocker for them too. Can you imagine living with such a sin? It is a biggy. It is straight out of the 10 commandments…. On par with murder I say… not just a simple lie… and I strongly believe some become people that are unlikely to cheat again… they change. You need to be able to recognize if you spouse is someone like this and can change.

After a year or so, I think you can now work toward that complete relationship if your spouse also makes the same commitment. But you have to talk about it. It won’t come with assumptions… You must both decided that you both want to make a strong satisfying relationship… With that comes taking off the mask, being honest in every way, financially, transparent with time, no fear to say, “ what will you be doing during that time between overtime? And I am still afraid, scared, I don’t feel safe yet...

Oh well.. enough rambling… lol Have a great day!

Stay Strong Booger… You see what kind of man you soon to be X H is.. ass hole.

Thanks Dip… I’m no pro… Iwant might be able to make a living helping folks.. me, I just know there are times I have had a real happiness come back into my soul and want to share how I did it… It’s been mostly positive thinking and physical effort.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:36 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to know I did everything possible to R, even if that means struggling to heal without my H's assistance.

Allgood - This statement really concerned me for you. I am sorry not to know the answers to some of the questions I am going to ask, like are you in MC'ing, but think about your statement. IMHO, true R cannot occur without our S's actively and consistently participating in our healing. I can only say from my situation that had my H not actively and consistently worked to aid in my healing I could never have believed that he loved me truly. I also believe (and again this is IMHO only) that by not participating in our healing, FWS's do not fully accept their culpability for their LTA's.
I have told this story before so I apologize to those who have heard it already but I feel it is important to share it with you. When my H and I started MC'ing my H sat there and acted as if he was the victim, feeling very sorry for himself that I wasn't healed and that I always needed to go over the details of his 8 year LTA. Our MC swung his chair up to my H and looked right into his face and said, "If this is too much trouble for you tell us now and don't waste anymore of our time."
Like it or not, your H (again IMHO ) MUST participate if you are to heal completely from his A.
He must show you that he cares about your suffering, your pain, your inability to trust him or to feel comfortable when he is working ot, etc., etc.
Please don't try to do this alone. I fear that you will only come to resent him if you do not see true remorse and true remorse to me means that our FWS's accept responsibility for our pain and comfort us while we grieve.
I also believe that their participation in our healing is and always should be a requirement for R along with immediate NC with the OW/OM.
ETA - I also agree with Miracle that you must let your H know your fears and ask him to come home between shifts. To let this build during his absence will cause you so much unnecessary pain and pain that can easily be avoided. Please insist on this for yourself.
One other thought, you mentioned that you are a D atty. If you really feel you don't want to ask your H to come home between shifts, I am sure you have access to PDs, why not hire one to see where your H goes? Hopefully if he is where he says he's going to be, then you can begin to trust him again.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:34 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He saw my pain...he saw my shattered heart...he saw my wounded soul for the first time in 18 years.

He cried...he sobbed... he took full responsibility for his actions this time . He didn't try to blame anyone else. His main goal in life now is to do whatever it takes to heal my heart and my soul. For the first time ever, he answers all my questions no matter how painful because he knows that is what I need to heal. He is patient and never gets defensive or tired. He lets me be the guide to my own healing and is willing to follow my lead.


I saw this quote in the Healing Library - in the Reconciliation section, under "R the wrong way and R the right way" and felt it was so important for all of us. I hope this helps.
I have always believed that R is a dual partnership with both parties working together to save the M. Anything less than that, IMHO, would have felt like coping or merely compensating and for me that was never an option. I know everyone's circumstances are different and may require making choices that may not be ideal. I feel very fortunate that my children are grown and that I was in a position to demand full and complete involvement from my H.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:37 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to thank everyone who responded. I am going to tell my H that it would make me feel better if he came home between shifts. And, I think Miracle reminded me of the need to keep my conversations with him short. I agree, he will consider it a lecture & get defensive (even though he really doesnt defend himself, it's more like he just wont talk to me).

Tryn: first off- I'm not admitted in Indiana so sadly, I can't take your case.
Second - I really get what you are saying about LTA spouses being somewhat prone to infidlity. I've been saying this to my h since D-Day & honestly before D-day - that married life doesnt seem like what he wants - he wants to be single.

FNF: my H is truly a slow work in progress. I realize I do need him to heal, but I've been very disappointed by his efforts, tho he's come around a bit of late. In answer to some of your questions -we are not in mc because in mc I do 99% of the talking. He is going to the therapist that was our mc by himself now. I check in with the therapist when requested. As for having detectives at my disposal - I wish! No - that someone is engaged in an affair is completely unrelated to their divorce settlement, so I have no need for such a service. And, my previous efforts to track him - through the GPS, mostly gave me no reason for alarm - except on 2 occasions over 2 months. I've stopped investigating at this point because I really cant take it anymore. (My h denies all unless I have irrefutable proof - so what's the chance of me getting that now that he knows about the gps?)
Anyhoo - have a lovely day all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone.. If you were handling my case... I'm so damn cheap, you'd tell me to hit the road for all I'd ask…

Yes, he may want to be single again, but maybe not. All you can do is try and try to love him to the best of your ability, not be afraid to share your feelings (both good and bad), not be afraid to tackle the future! The chips are going to fall one way or another... You can only make a choice for yourself and give it your all… or not. Those are your decisions.

You may find out you H has never been faithful. It took 2 months before my wife came clean with her first A she had back in 1988. Some MC say don't tell...it’s too late and no use for causing more pain…. some say just lay it all out on the table… He may be dealing with a whole lot of issues you don't know.. maybe, even shaking down drug dealers for cash or something at his work. It’s too bad he holds stuff inside…

The way I got my W to tell me all was to say she is safe… no matter what she told me, I was going to stay… but now is the chance for her to come clean and free her mind of any guilt… This is a gift I'm giving her to start over with us... It was best to get it all out now, so I won’t have to hurt later… And if something comes out later, I will give up… I’m ready for hurt now, I said did you have 1, 2, 4, 12 A? Did you have anther abortion from my child? Did you murder someone? I was ready for her to say 4 or 5… lol.. and I was ready to stay even though she told me… Then she said it… Told me all… my gut believes it all. I’m glad I know.. and I am getting to be at peace with it… You may have already done this? But heck, maybe it is just a non-factor... I don't know.

I do think it has helped me start to trust again...

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:33 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf: that excerpt is a good one...and yes i agree that to have a r the right way healing is a partnership..

tryn:

I’m no pro… Iwant might be able to make a living helping folks..

i am no pro either.. ...you give me far too much credit...


allgood:

the need to keep my conversations with him short. I agree, he will consider it a lecture & get defensive (even though he really doesnt defend himself, it's more like he just wont talk to me).

i dont think its a question of him not talking to you on purpose, i get the feeling that he just doesn't know what more he can say...and i also think on some level if you are going on and on, he just shuts down, after the first few sentences he doesn't hear anything else...and i don't think its on purpose, he probably isn't even aware of it, i think he just can no longer hear anything at a functioning level within himself...

and granted this is even more fustrating for you, because you have to feel like , hell if i could still be here willing to try then you should be doing more then you are...and on and on...i just do not think right now he is capable of more...

he is going to to ic, he is doing most of what you asked, even though he is not doing above and beyond he is doing...ic for him is imperative though, that is something he cannot stop, this needs to be a requirement if in the future he decides he is not getting anything out of it..he needs to get to his roots of who he is and why he has made the choices he did...not always easy to face and acknowledge for anyone...especially when you know that your actions hurt someone you love...

just my completely amateur 2 cents worth..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Miracle.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW - thought I'd share that I am right at this moment writing papers about someone who cut her husband off from seeing the kids because she blames him for her infidlity becoming widespread knowledge in their community.
Oooo I do love my little escape from reality. Lol.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why didn't I find this forum before? 8 year LTA ith my WH. Yikes.


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1354 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
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