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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

I could not believe my eyes when I read that you were going to back off! Ha! You called me chicken? Was there a typo? Did you mean to say back off FOR now?

You do not like waiting? I hate it too. I won't tell if you don't.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no i admit it i said i will back off....for this issue anyways.. ....

i do however reserve the right to change my mind at a future date.. ...it is a woman's perrogative you know...


ooh we have a secret now.. .....how exciting, i have a secret with a man...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, March 12th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck on your surgery and God bless. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cant seem to shake the constant scrutinizing and comparing myself to the ow. Can anyone relate to this? I do not believe this is a self-esteem thing. However, ow is 10 years younger & has certain assets shall we say that I lack & that I cannot obtain. Every single picture of her I see (part of my ongoing internet investigation) are provocative in nature & she is almost always exposing huge amounts of cleavage. (Even the pictures of her & her daughter). This is what he was attracted to for 1 1/2 years. This is not me. I'm in good shape, but I don't flaunt my sexuality in public. Truth be told, I'm very conservative in private as well. I cant shake the feeling that he loved this in your face sexuality & attention - and I cannot offer him that. (While I realize I can change - it would be pretty difficult for me & I just dont see why I should try to be something I'm not for him).
On a related note - I'm also struggling with my disappointment in what I believe my h should be doing since DDay in that I was thinking he should have more a lot more interest in me - I guess I want to see the kind of attention he gave her to me. (Which is all speculation on my part - all I know is that other than a few occasions when they went to a bar together, they had sex in one of their cars before or after work a few times a week. The phone & texting was throughout the day all day & night tho). I guess I feel like I should be his new object of affection & while I see more interest from him - it's not what I think it should be. WIll this come in time? I realize things are a bit rocky now - so I suppose he's on his guard, just as I am. Rambling again. I'm getting so frustrated & I'm fighting my usual way of handling these things which is to push it out of my brain & just act like a bitch (cuz that hasn't been too constructive...)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood.

I guess it is natural to compare yourself with the AP. You are correct about not changing and trying to be something you are not.

Here is a much better comparison for you to think about. Which one of you had a relationship with another woman's H? She is on a much lower level than you are.

I do not have a good answer for the 2nd question. My W always showed plenty of interest in me during and after the A. There were times when I was not real interested in her. Being in a pissed of semi-rage seems to do that.

I bet he is on guard. Us guys & gals have a hard enough time figuring each other out without this A crap in the way.

It is not constructive being a bitch or bastard, but sometimes it is hard to be nice.

I bet someone will come on here and give you better advice than I have. A female point of view might be better in this case.

Feel free to ramble anytime. You don't ramble near as long as some on here do.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-

I can very much relate to what you are saying. The OW is 15 years younger than me, and has never had a baby. She also pulls out the red carpet for my WH whenever they are in contact, constantly praising him and expressing her never ending devotion. I've come to believe that is why he can't seem to give her up, it's hard for him to let go of all that positive attention.

After the 3rd DDay I decided I better fight fire with fire or I would lose him sure. At a minimum I figured I'd make him feel exceedingly guilty for thinking of leaving me for her. All my loving kindness seems to have had some effect and he has been much more supportive and loving towards me. Not sure if it will be lasting.

About wanting WH to show you some of the attention he lavished on OW, I was so disappointed on that score, as well. My WH was depressed for 8 weeks after he went NC the first time. He couldn't stand to see my pain, and so he would minimize it, and blame shift. His efforts at wooing me were weak to non-existent.

So yeah, they should be trying to take care of us. But I think a lot of WHs post DDAy are in a weakened and confused state. In these cases the BS may need to become non-judgmental and non-threatening in order to create a safe place for their WH to re-establish the relationship.

This has been the fight of my life. I'm not dead yet, so it must have made me stronger.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood and two kids...listen up and listen really really good...what the ow look like, how old they are, the size of their boobs, the flatness of their tummies, how much cleavage they show, how roudy they are in bed add up to a whole big fat nothing...

there is nothing wrong with either of you....those are so not the reasons the affairs happened...don't get me wrong i am sure they were perks but they were not the reasons...

and if these women had it all why are they still with you, why didn't they leave you for them....

there are plenty of men who do leave for the op, they do not give it a second thought, they are out the door...

and this is not a contest, this is life and if he really doesn't want to be where he is nothing you do will make him stay...and i don't think you would want him to stay under those conditions...

your ws should want to stay because he loves you more, and he loves you completely...when you love with 100% of your being no one else could exist for you in that way...it didn't for us....when you are 100% committed, no one else could exist for you in that way...it didn't for us...

alot of ws's do not have "it all goin on" either...and the bs's who are married to them never gave a thought to cheating...

it is all in the mind, not the penis...i know this goes against the popular vote...but the mind, especially when it is small comes first..then the penis...

the penis is not equipped to think for itself....it does not have a mind of its own..and is solely operated at the discretion of its owner or should i say indisretion....

i repeat "YOU" are not the issue...his mind and way of thinking are...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 10:21 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and if these women had it all why are they still with you, why didn't they leave you for them....

there are plenty of men who do leave for the op, they do not give it a second thought, they are out the door...

Listen up ladies iwant is right on track with this ... you will spin yourself into a place you don't wanna be ...

I was not enough for my stbx he left me for OW ... she is not super model sexy but she is better than me in many ways physically ... which I am sure just added to their "love"

these men are still with you !!!!!!!!! cherish that cause tomorrow ... well you just don't know ...

(((allgood&twokids)))

i know how hard it is ... I promise I do ... but you still have the man ... run with it and make it the best you can for as long as you got it ... whether it be 1 day or 100 years ...

strenght and hugs to you both ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was not enough for my stbx he left me for OW ... she is not super model sexy but she is better than me in many ways physically ... which I am sure just added to their "love

oh booger i am so sorry...i hope you know that this was all about him and nothing about you...its always all about them....and i know what that could do to a person i saw it with my mom...and it is so so so not you...and sometimes people just marry the wrong people to begin with...and it never gets better because you wrong with each from the start...that one i am living...and it never matters how they look, i have seen men leave for ugly, fat and ugly too...its never about how they look its always about the op makes them feel, usually about themselves, not even her...it still is all about them...how she makes him feel about him...pretty sad..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 11:00 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i understand iwant ...

just thought I gave him all those feelings ect for him to be happy ... but she did a better job ...

so whatever ... I think we were probably a bad match from the start ...

as this get's farther along in the D process and I look back over our time together ... even when we were just friends from 96-99 we were not a good match ...

just got wrapped up in the romance of it all and 13+ years later here I am ...

eta poor math skills

[This message edited by booger bear at 11:02 PM, March 13th (Saturday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

booger...

sometimes we make bad choices, and like you said we get caught up it in all...i know i did..my mom always said that i loved pfm too much and that he didn't love me enough...she saw something i didn't...i knew we had extensive issues, but i was in love and i was blind...well i got my eyesight back now, but i have 3 amazing kids at least...they have been my salvation...even the middle one (manchild) who drives me totally crazy...

so now we make lemonade.. ...with lots of sugar...these lemons were way too bitter...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Funny  Posted: 11:18 PM, March 13th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lemonade ... teehee and manchild teehee ...

wonderful babies you have I know you do ...

wish I had that ... but I have furry legged babies


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, March 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the encouragement. I know this has to do with wh not me. I really do. And, I know ow did not have the "whole package" or he would've left me, kids or no kids. My concern is that the excitement, attention, that he had with ow - I'm not replacing. And as a result, I have anxiety that he will break nc. I realize this is all out of my control. (I hate that!) Just wanted to see if anyone else was struggling with this (misery loves company you know...)
Anyway, Booger - I had posted something to you a bit back - you didnt respond (which is fine) but I dont know if you saw it. I read your profile & I can totally relate to your guilt, etc. ANd, you are right - I should be happy he is with me & trying. If he chose ow I really dont know what I would have done. But, I just have a hard time letting go - I still think about her a lot - I dont know why - I guess its because my husband is so emotionally constipated that I have no idea what is going on in his head & I'm trying to figure it out for myself. He's going to his 2nd session of ic tomorrow (against his will) and I hope he really give it a shot & opens up to the therapist. Otherwise, I really feel we are doomed because it is clear to me that he still doesnt understand the value in being hones about his feelings or where he is going in situations where he knows I wont approve. And, I really have to let this part time private eye thing go soon before I completely lose it. I really do not want a 5th child to supervise.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, March 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: if he does not fix what is broken within him then i am sorry but the odds are against you....you cannot ever fill those shoes that the ow left, because it really is not her that is the issue...it is him...and the needs he doesn't know how to fill, the fears he doesn't know how to face and finally the issues he has no idea how to deal with and cope...

in a really crazy way to look at it, the ws has issues, they do not cope well, so they look for something to pacify them for the moment...to take away the ability to feel what is really wrong...like a baby who is fussy, give the baby a pacifier and while that pacifier is in its mouth, it is happy..the child gets busy, the pacifier is dropped somewhere..the baby occupied with something else doesn't even realize that the pacifier is not there....the minute the baby either notices its gone or feels tired, sad, hungry..whatever that baby feels that is negative that baby now wants that pacifier again...

i don't know if this makes any sense...it does in my head...but that means nothing as my head is sometimes a total mess..

bottom line, he needs to fix what is broken or it will stay broken...and that brokeness is what led him to the ow..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - the pacifier analogy makes A LOT of sense. THank you


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, March 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In terms of the spouse leaving for the OW/OM... the statistics are dismal....something like only 5% stay with the affair partner....and something like 75% of those relationships end in divorce...
it just doean't work out.
the affairs are total fantasy regardless of who the affair partner is and what they look like..it is almost always a disappointment when they have to deal with reality as opposed to fantasy.
The relationship grew in a vacuum...without anything real impacting it...no money troubles, kid issues, no one had to take out the garbage etc.....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, I just have a hard time letting go - I still think about her a lot - I dont know why - I guess its because my husband is so emotionally constipated that I have no idea what is going on in his head & I'm trying to figure it out for myself. He's going to his 2nd session of ic tomorrow (against his will) and I hope he really give it a shot & opens up to the therapist.

allgood ... Yes I did suffer with alot of guilt with our M issues not related to the A and thought they caused him to run to her ... being on here and listening to these other stories and advice from all these wonderful people helped me see how far off the mark I was ...

listen to this ... on your very worst day as a wife ... the absolute worst you could possibly be ... you did not deserve this ... you did not deserve this ... while you may of been awful that day you were still honoring your vows and your M ... you did not run out and have an A to cope ...

the other thing I am getting a red flag on is the fact the IC is not his choice ... I think he will gaslight and cake eat with the IC ... and consequently with you as well ... I think IC has got to be a decision as couple wanting to repair eachother and likewise the M ... and to partner along with that you go to MC ...

No he don't have to share everything that went on with the IC ... but you should know he is giving it his best effort and honest effort as it has to relate with the M and how the MC will go ... KWIM ????

and I love your statement about being emotionally constipated


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, March 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal:

The relationship grew in a vacuum...without anything real impacting it...no money troubles, kid issues, no one had to take out the garbage etc.....

this is something i completely disagree with...all of us when we got involved with our spouses these were things that were worked out after marriage...we all get married with our own pov's of how marriage is supposed to be, we all start out with this fantasy intact of who we marry...then when the honeymoon is over...we see these people with all their faults now magnified, we see all the fantasies of what we thought it would be go up in smoke but we work it out, we believe we find compromise and settle into what "this" marriage is all about..or at least we think we do....and then "WE" discover the infidelities...now the new compromise of the marriage we all thought we had is pretty much shot to hell...

for those of us willing to work it out with ws who are willing to do what it truly takes, a yet another new compromise of the marriage is made...and if you are both blessed and able to move on and past it find a happy marital compromise....


emotionally constipated

i must admit, i thought this was great too..

booger:

listen to this ... on your very worst day as a wife ... the absolute worst you could possibly be ... you did not deserve this ... you did not deserve this ... while you may of been awful that day you were still honoring your vows and your M ... you did not run out and have an A to cope ...

excellent healthy perspective booger...


and allgood:

booger stated:

the other thing I am getting a red flag on is the fact the IC is not his choice ... I think he will gaslight and cake eat with the IC ... and consequently with you as well ... I think IC has got to be a decision as couple wanting to repair eachother and likewise the M ... and to partner along with that you go to MC ...

totally on the money....the one other prospect though is that it may start out as forcing him, but with a little luck and hopefully some open eyes and mind on his part and the ic might just get through to him...but he does have to want it...without that no amount of ic, or quality of ic will ever work..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all - this is my new approach: I believe I have done & said everything possible to get my h on board with trying to take our marriage to a new & better place, which includes making changes so that boundaries are never crossed again. I really have nothing left to say that hasn't been said. I am now done trying to get him on board. I'm done trying to figure out what he wants. I'm done trying to fix my own problems, along with our marital problems by myself. (Don't get me wrong, he has definitely made changes for the better since DDay - but just not enough in my eyes.) I am now accepting what he has to offer & expecting nothing else. I'm done worrying about what he is doing, calling, thinking. I'm going to participate in this marriage to the extent I fell safe doing so. I realize this will be a very superficial relationship & one that will, in time, become unsatisfying to me. I'm doing so with eyes wide open.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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