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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey selkiescot... SOooo How is life treat'n ya?

BTW... about everyone knows about my W's A... it's out, my kids know, all of her family knows, mine may know but they don't say anything, my neighbors know, my co-workers know… For me, It is somewhat of a relief today the all know, I’m glad I don’t have to lie to them


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

selkiescot.

Welcome to the LTA house. There are lots of good people here. One or two are a little goofy sometimes, but please don't let that scare you off. I'm sure someone will be showing up later with many questions.

miracle.

Opening a can when you have no idea what kind it is? This may be another disorder. I will ponder this for awhile. I may have to make up yet another name for this problem.

How is the tummy? We need a quick update!

tryn.

Miracle is not a pro, but she is pretty good. She seems to have first hand knowledge concerning so many disorders, she could advise almost anybody.

It is good that you are wanting to share your knowledge concerning all this. It helps everyone here.

Allgood.

Does that case give you any comic relief? I'm sure you get some pretty crazy stuff handed to you.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin...
something you wrote really caught my eye:

"Sometimes, I think people can wake-up from that life of being a cheater, a bad person, unfaithful and realize that NO relationship is perfect, and they have proven this by having that LTA, with nothing of anything of substance to show from it other then a few good conversations, ejaculations or orgasms. After being caught, it is a shocker for them too. Can you imagine living with such a sin? It is a biggy. It is straight out of the 10 commandments…. On par with murder I say… not just a simple lie… and I strongly believe some become people that are unlikely to cheat again… they change. You need to be able to recognize if you spouse is someone like this and can change. "

That is what happened to my husband.... he woke up and took a look at himself. Almost, as if for the first time.
I saw his shame and remorse.
It took me finding out about the LTA to make him face himself and finally admit to what he was doing, how he was living.
I have some friends who queston whether or not...once a cheater always a cheater applies...to my situation.
And I have to say that I am positive that my husband will never cheat again...ever.
He has seen the pain and devastation of it all.
I have seen him break down in tears at his parent's graveside.... this was a few months post d-day... I know he was crying due to his own shock at what he had done.
Amazing, huh? They are so good at compartmentalizing that they do not really see themselves until after d-day. They need to see the whole situation through our eyes...to really 'get it'.
Before d-day.. they are compartmentalizing, in denial, and also influenced by peer pressure -in this case the affair partner...who is egging them on.
It's not until we hold a mirror up to them do they realize...its as if they are in a trance.
and..in my case...my husabdnwas shocked into a life change. He did change so many things about himself.
And..the biggest change was his newfound appreciation, love, and devotion for me!
Where he used to take me for granted...well, now he worships the ground I walk on!
It was confusing for me...but, ultimately what convinced me to reconcile.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - is your husband and mine brothers? Boy do they sound alike.

I think I have made a decision today. I think I am going to move out next week.

My H is not speaking to me...he's on the defensive again. This is not going to work. I'm not the one that did anything wrong, yet I'm being blamed for not being able to get over it.

I think it's time I made the move. One of his so called friends told me today that he is being coached by his "brothers" at the fire station to stay in the family home. How stupid are these men? There are no kids involved. Everything gets split. Now I know why he told me to get a court order to get him out.

GRRRRRR....it's not a good night to say the least. How much anger can I harbor before I bust?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun... No, it's not a good night. You do what you think you need to be happy. For him to say anything about, "you needing to get over it..." is not very nice. You have strenght, courage... I wish you well... Do things for you! be selfish this time... do not be afraid because we all seem to land on our feet once we have a goal in mind... Do you have help? Be smart about it... are you going to be ok?
I moved out Feb 2009. It lasted all for 3 nights.. two things resulted... I got my first date... My wife over heard me when the lady called me back and I walked into my office speaking softly... I have never seen such Jealously. At that time, I was so confused because the Hypocrisy of it all… I believed she didn't want me any more... but that showed me she had something for me still... She expected me to S and sit around doing nothing? Not moving forward... It was a very sad point in our R... that point from the 4-9 months post dday was brutal for me... My daugter 17 at the time was absolutely crushed when she came home seeing me pack my stuff... It was a horrible feeling.. anyway... I hope you find what you need.

njgal480... I hear ya.. My W made the most loving comment to me last night... In fact, I cannot ever remember anything said so sweet. I'm glad you are feeling better. I can tell it in your post. I see you help so many these days too... We both seem to be making progress.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:35 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks tryn -
I have been getting my ducks in order for quite some time now and I have somewhere to go. I have told nobody yet. If I can get things packed and moved out slowly I believe I can do it while he's on duty so there will be no drama. I can't do drama anymore. I'm tapped out!

I have written a letter asking he not contact me in any way shape or form and for him to stay away from my business. I have separated the accounts and the bills. I will remove 1/2 of the savings account.

So next week will be it. Unless a miracle happens. I don't think so though. The only shitty part is I will have to commute 1 hour to and from work. I can't stay here anymore, it's killing me.

Thanks for everyone's support it's my lifeline right now.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun....
I kicked my H out of the house right aftr d-day...and we were separated for 6 months. I didn't see him at all for 2 months. He emailed everyday pleading for me to take him back...and slowly...when I began to see tangible changes in him: IC, sobriety, attending AA regularly, NC with MOW, NC with drinking buddies from work, etc. that's when I agreed to see him for dates-coffee, etc. to talk, then MC etc.
So...my point is that a separation could be good for both of you....no matter what you eventually decide to do.
Sorry that you have joined our sad club...but, you sound relieved at the thought of getting away from him ....too bad your commute to work will be so long.
My commute is about 45 min.
One thing that helped me early on after d-day was listening to books on tape on the way to work...one in particular- Louise Hay- How to Heal Your Life.
I also started listening to contemporary Christian music.... everything else triggered me or made me cry...

Tryn...I have been feeling more positive lately....
although I just had this thought....
It's been 39 months since d-day ...and I have thought about the affair every single day since . Not one day without that obsessive thinking, worrying etc.
I now feel successful when I have a period of time... an hour, a few hours when I can forget about the Affair.But thoughts of the A are lurking in the back of my mind...all the time..even when I am busy-at work, on vacation, etc.
does this happen to you guys also?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, April 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun: i went back and reread your posts here on lta...and a few things jump out at me that i would like to share with you..

first: you are due to see the c by yourself, i do not think you should do anything at the very least until you do this, and i will tell you why with 2 diff scenarios, first scenario, is that you have no clue what this c is going to tell you, there could be something there that might help you and your marriage, the 2nd scenario would be the c blaming you or telling you that you need to move on, which would mean that your c, the very same person who is c'ing your h is full of bullcrap and not only has been wasting your time, but feeding into your h and setting you both back...for those 2 scenarios i think you owe it to "YOUSELF"...i am sure you would want to leave with a totally clear head

second: you stated prior to this that your h is not a talker, def similar to allgood's h....but he does "SHOW" you he loves you...alot of us here at si believe that actions speak louder then words...now granted the words would be nice and you may need to hear the words, but maybe right now he is not capable...

i know what living in limbo is like, i was there myself...it sucks and any decision feels better then living with indecision because then you feel like your life has direction...but for you i believe you have unfinished business with your h...and you have something quite precious, you have a before...you have something that you can draw on....

i am all for moving on, but not until you know that moving on will not end up being a regret....and right now i feel you will have a few regrets...it may very well be the right choice for you but i think you need to clear those cobwebs so to speak if its possible...and it may not be possible i do not know that, and frankly neither do you...

you mentioned a miracle happening, that tells me you want one, and when you want that miracle you are not ready to walk away...

one thing though i will totally understand because i made my choice based on it is if you feel like he is still lying to you, that is unacceptable and an instance where i am sure you will have no regrets...but you still should wait to talk to the c...


selkiescot: welcome to the lta corner of si...8 years is a long time...if you would like to share your story we are here...feel free to ask questions, i do all the time..or vent, i do that too..and like dipstick stated sometimes we are a little goofy...humor helps, alot...but i think we have lots of good people here...

njgal: tryn is right you have come such a long way, both you and your h...and this is wonderful.. ...i am sure that even though you still think about it you now have a sense of peace within, having all the knowledge that you need, and knowing that it will never happen again are huge...

you say you think about it everyday...do you feel the same way you did a year ago when you think about it?...has the pain of it all dwindled at all?...

for me, my sich is diff from the rest, but i think about his a every single day...i do finally have some moments where its not right there in the front of my mind, but never for long periods...oddly, coming here and posting and reaching out all help with that in some crazy way...maybe because i am thinking of others as opposed to my own...i dont really know...si has become my refuge, my escape as ironic as that one it..


allgood: i am sure in the beginning and even now when the cases of infidelity come up it has to be tough....and especailly when you are faced with that stupid ws mentality..the kind where you know the ws doesn't get it or anything except laid...


dip: its wonder i do not suffer from a severe case of hypochoniacism with all these disorders that i possess....so i gues thats a yay for me...finally something i don't have..

and the tummy is lookin good ...i go back to the dr on thurs for a check...it 4 weeks tomorrow already...damn time flys so fast...


went walking today back to the mall where i used to walk, and well i was missed, i was constantly being stopped to find out if i was ok...very cool feeling to be missed by so many people...

the teenage wars in my house still go on....tomorrow when pfm is supposed to see his c, instead the c is going to see me, pfm and my ds16 (manchild)...this boy has some serious issues...not serious like drugs, he is dellusional all on his own...he sounds so much like pfm used too, its scary to me...the things this child is accusing me of are ludicrus..so we are going to an unbiased adult for a second opinion so to speak...it ought to be quite interesting... ....


i have to say there are more days right now where all i want to do is run away from home... ..but i won't i know i would regret it...but it is temtping...so i will have to settle for running away within my own head..maybe i could develop my own delusions.. ..hell that might actually be fun


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My goodness, I don't post for a few days, and there's so much to respond to!!

Allgood: so great about your race! I'm glad you are doing something for you. Thank you for asking about me.
My WH seems to have the same problem, married life is NOT what he wants, he admitted it. He doesn't want to have to answer to anyone or have to tell anyone what he is doing or where he is going. I told him that no matter who he was married to, that was to be expected. He agreed that was the case, but not what he wanted. He said he would love to leave the both of us (OW and me) and all the kids and run away. I actually validated those feelings by saying I understood, that didn't he think that I felt that at times? There was so much responsibility that I wanted to be alone too? He seemed shocked at my response. I said, be that as it may, we still have to own up to our responsibilities and can't run away from them.

Tryn: Thank you for your post. I don't want to put labels on people, but my WH has SO MANY of the narcissitic traits, it's ridiculous! I suddenly remembered something he said many years ago when we were discussing someone we knew that had cancer and he said that that if a spouse had cancer and couldn't make love, it would be a reason to divorce...I should divorce him, and he would remarry if it happened to me. I said, you mean that if I had cancer, you'd find someone else and leave me to suffer? He said he would still help me, and not leave me, but "WHY SHOULD I SUFFER TOO?"

Why didn't I really, really LISTEN to what he was telling me about himself with that statement?
Tryn, thank you for saying I'm intelligent and sweet. WH always said that about me and that I was an "angel", but he treats me like this!

Looking back on everything, it's like I always felt I ahd to try to be perfect for him. I really believe now that he really wants a "Stepford Wife". More like the original movie where they were turned into robots. The sad thing is, and I'm serious, it still wouldn't be enough. He'd still want the intellectual stimulation. And Tryn, some man will swoop me up!! LOL, HE did! I thought he was my charming KISA!! But I guess I was looking through a veil of romanticism.

LostHeart: My DDay #1 was 6/09 and DDay #2 was about 3weeks ago (I think), so I was talking about 6 mos. from NOW. I am seeing an IC and I really have come a long way since last summer. You brought up a very good point. Why did I allow the "charm" and the control? That is something I am working on, a lot of FOO issues are there too, a Borderline mother and a sober alcoholic father (and they are charming...Mom thinks I married someone like my father with the charm...maybe). Thank you for your kinds words of support. That is my goal, to be Honest..the woman.

Forgive: Stupid WS's!! It's like sometimes with the comments they make, they are asking for a sarcastic remark from us!! They are so clueless!

Dip: you are right about the push/pull. I don't know where I am half the time. And because of my sitch, I am just coping and compensating for now.

Hugs to {{{{{{{Booger}}}}}

NJgal: I'm glad to see from your post that your WH is beginning to see the light.

Nofun: I'm so sorry that you have to do this. I totally understand. I admire your courage and your ability to line up your ducks and do what is best for you.

Miracle: Re: your post to me on 4/11, That I should let him know I'm starting to live my own life and going back to school. I've been talking about this for years and was planning on just doing it. I agree 100% with you that he is pulling me again because he feels me detaching. He still is calling saying I love you, I miss you, etc. I just laugh and change the subject to the kids.
He is trying to emotionally blackmail me about getting #3. This is a big trigger, because I was told by someone ( a good witness) that when he and OW were fighting (which it seems they do a lot, and we don't) he threatened her many times that he'll marry someone else!! What am I? Chopped liver?
I know we don't have a true marriage. It's was long over years ago, I just didn't know it. I get sick to my stomach just thinking of the harsh reality of it all.
There is so much I need to do, but I'm making baby steps. It may not seem obvious to RL people, but it's an inner attitude change that I'm working on, that's the true 180, not the list of "do's and don't's in behavior" that are just suggestions and guidelines.

About sarcasm. As I posted once before, that was always my forte'. I am not a screamer, yeller, name caller, etc, but I have a talent with sarcasm

I made a promise to WH at DDay that I was going to change that. I actually made that promise to MYSELF In the past, when I was sarcastic, I always felt bad about it later. My biting tongue only temporarily made me feel better. I felt mean and bitter after and it didn't solve anything.

I have started to bite my tongue. I think about what I'm angry or upset about, and then think about the best and most tactful way to address I how I feel. I have applied it a few times and was pleased with the results. WH heard what I was saying when I spoke honestly without attacking and I actually got some results! I felt better about the thing I was angry about and not harbouring resentment that I would still be doing if I just lashed out sarcastically.
This doesn't mean I've been 100% sucessful..I've still have lapses!

Well, I realize that this has gotten much longer than I originally planned!!

{{{{{Tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: again, I think we were typing at the same time.
I'm glad that you are going to c with your DS. Teen years are so difficult. Actually, I was just talking to DS 15 and he was asking about what bipolar is, and I explained there's a difference between having the full blown disorder and having traits and that all teens have the traits! I admitted I did too as a teen.

I reminded him what I told him once before, the problem with being a teen is that you yourself are going through all these crazy emotions and feelings and hormones and you are hanging out with other teens going through the same thing!
He said he just wanted to get through HS, everyone he knows are idiots and immature! lol.

Hang in there Miracle. I always tell my kids the old saying:

"When I was 18, I thought my father was an idiot and didn't know anything. When I was 21, I was shocked at how much he learned in 3 years!"

{{{{{{Tribe}}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant - I am not moving out until I see the MC next Monday. But I've always felt that the MC was on FWH's side. You know when you have that gut feeling? I'm going to see what he has to say and then I really think it's time I stop seeing him. MC and H come from very similar FOO. Scary.

I have thought long and hard about leaving. My H does not get it. I don't think he ever will. He tells the MC he's not going to answer anymore questions about the A. He is who he is and is not going to change. He says he didn't believe he was doing anything wrong. WTF? He said his A was an escape from reality. He has not spoken to me in 2 weeks. And this is nothing new. It's been my whole married life with this man. When things get tough, he shuts down and runs away. He has apologized and regrets what he did. But I believe he regrets he got caught. He told someone he never wanted me to find out he took OW to vegas...not that he was sorry or remorseful.

I feel I've given it everything I can.

Thanks for letting me vent here.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i do not have much time so i will be back later to finish my posts, but nofun i need to address you asap..

get a new c asap....if you feel and have felt that this c is taking sides then this is NOT a c for you or your h....they are not to choose sides, they are the voice of calm reason...they are the voice of the counscious of what is right and what is wrong...and if any side is to be picked it should not be an offenders side...

if he is seriously gtting bad advice and is following it, then of course you will get no where really fast....so get a new c, you have nothing to lose at this point...then you can surely say that you have done everything humanly possible....otherwise you are doing yourself a disservice...you may not like the man you now see as your h, but do you still love him...if the love is dead, and it may very well be, then by all means there is nothing to stay for...

and btw if your h objects to a new c, then again you could at least say you tried everything...and that would be in his hands...

i also think you should have your own ic to help you deal, especially since you have no one irl....it really does help to have that soft place to fall...we all need those soft places you know..


and vent here anytime...
ramble here anytime...
do anything you need to do here anytime, none of will ever say boo about it...

i actually think its good for you to get it out...

o.k. gotta get a kid to school now.

be back later..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

o.k. back to business so to speak:

honest

he and OW were fighting (which it seems they do a lot, and we don't) he threatened her many times that he'll marry someone else!! What am I? Chopped liver?

no hon you are so not chopped liver, what you see is a man who is a total control freak and will use the same lines on multiple women to get what he wants, he lives a life of charming, reeling them in, a bit by bit control of all of who they are...and then when he has total control or he thinks he has, his world is rocked...by anything and everything and the loss of control seems to drive him to become the man of threats, the man who will say anything to hurt you or lash out of you, because its "your" fault i am not getting what i want, so fess up do what i ask so that i a) do not have to carry through and just get my way, b) hurt you the way you hurt me by not doing what i asked and c)or i will carry through because hell, maybe someone new will do it all...

and the sad truth is that there is not a woman who will ever satisfy this man or make him happy because he would first need to grow as a human being...he has so many issues, too many issues which make it impossible for him to ever be truly happy...and he is toxic to anyone in his life...

thank god your kids have you, they need stable and they need a "good" role model...

and honest you sound great, you sound very centered and peaceful with who you are today and that is wonderful, i hope it stays with you...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No fun: First off - I think we need to change your screen name. I love the fact that my "nickname" is now "allgood" sounds kind of positive. I'm happy all the names that were more fitting of the pain & anguish I felt when I was registering on SI were "all gone" - because I don't have to live with the depressing name I would have chosen.
Anyhoo - a little off topic, sorry.
I, too, don't have much time today as my work has been suffering a bit due to all this A stuff & I really need to get back on track, but I wanted to at least give you a quick shout out since it seems like you need it.
I wasn't able to get too far into the backstory - but it seems like you have had a setback due to TT. I too had a bit of a setback recently about TT also. And, you are right, it seems like our husbands are cut from the same cloth,same mentality. I think Miracle gave you some good advice - if you do not think you are going anywhere with this mc then switch. I wonder,however, if you could raise some of your concerns about the mc's approach in mc - maybe to dismiss some misunderstandings or so that it lays the foundation for why you want to switch in a "safe" environment. Idk - just a thought.
And, why do you want to move out? I know you agreed to wait a bit, but literally what is happening at home that makes you feel this way? Is it just too hard to see him? Like I said, I totally relate to some of the things you've described about your H. But, I wonder, does he say that he wants to reconcile, but you doubt it, or is he not even clear about what he wants or what he is willing to do? I'm going to read over your older posts tonight so I can see if there is anything I can add, but if you still love him & want to reconcile - don't give up. Setbacks are expected, I think especially when you have a somewhat stubborn and emotionally constipated spouse.
Anyway, stay strong. You can only control your actions. Don't do anything you will regret later.
I will be thinking of you today. And - think of a nickname - maybe we could just call you "Fun".


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun- I had a moment & re-read your post more closely. My H shuts down in the face of conflict too. In fact, I seriously had no idea he was unhappy in our marriage until we had a big argument 2 monts before DDay when he told me he had been miserable for years.
That's tough, because we are really left with very little to work with. The not talking to you part - tho - I dont get that. My H will talk to me about non-A topics all day long (tho I have to say sometimes I make myself scarce because I really cant engage in chit-chat when I want to rip his head off - you know what I mean?)
Anyway - he's not talking to you because he's punishing you? Or, are the 2 of you at a place now where you can't talk about anything at all? Just curious.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Howdy! I'm mostly lurking because I don't have much that is useful to add.
I do want to say thanks to njgal for describing her WS -- my WH has been a totally different person the last 4 months and it's quite genuine. It can be confusing -- I understand all of this intellectually but it takes time for my feelings to catch up.

baby is well! vaery cute and starting to be more solid and less bird-like :)


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun.

Your H thinks you should just get over it? Damn, why didn't we all think of that? It would be so much easier. O.K. everybody, lets just forget about this minor A stuff and move on.

honest.

Your H comment about not needing to suffer too, just because his W had cancer is just way overboard. I can't even imagine thinking that, let alone saying it outloud.

Your DS sounds pretty smart. However if being in HS means that everyone you know is a idiot and immature, I guess I have been in HS my whole life. O.K. this does not apply to everyone I know, just 90% of them. Some people might include me in that 90%.

miracle.

Are you sure you do not have hypochoniacism? You may need to get a 2nd opinion. You could be suffering from accutedenialofhypochoniacismdisease. At least your tummy is looking good.

Of course you were missed at the mall. Why did this surprise you? Good luck at the C. You are correct, it should be interesting.

m3.

Thanks for the baby update. I'm sure she is growing everyday.

Understanding all this intellectually would go a lot eaiser if those feeling/emotions did not get in the way. It is a confusing thing to deal with.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure why my H shuts down. I can only guess and here a few reasons.
1. He thinks he's punishing me.
2. He is a conflict avoider (that I know for sure, mc said it)
3. He doesn't know what to say.

I honestly feel there is nothing left to talk about. It's like beating a dead horse at this point. It's so uncomfortable to be here in this environment. I feel like I need some peace or I'm going to go right over the edge. I can't stand to even look at him.

I started moving some of my stuff out while he was at work today.

This sucks...


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun - maybe you do need a few days to yourself to sort things out.
Do your kids know about this? What do they think?
Too bad you dont live closer - we could go out for a few drinks.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun....it does sound like you should find a new counselor.
Our first MC was terrible. We went to him just 3 months post d-day and guess what? he was telling me that I needed to get over it!
3 months after finding out about a 5 yr LTA!
I told him that it sounded like he had an affair himself....
that was our last session with him.
I do think that therapists bring their own experiences into the therapy...
who knows why your counselor seems to relate to your FWH?

and...again.. I am the poster child for the benefits of separation .
It really was a wake up call for my husband....maybe it will help you and your husband to see things more clearly.

My husband is also not the most open, talkative guy.
He is also a conflict avoider and as a former alcoholic...that was his ultimate form of escape from reality...that and then an affair with an alcoholic skank....
so...getting him to open up about the details of the affair was very difficult...but, due to the separation..he was motivated to whatever it took to save our marriage. So, he discussed much more info.
After we reconciled and he moved back home...well, in his mind he thought all was forgiven and we were done talking about the A....
wrong.... at least I wasn't ready to stop talking about it. The next 2 yrs were tough... my needing to talk and ask questions...his shame and guilt making it impossible for him to go back there again.
But...initially I did get an awful lot of information ...from him, from the MOW husband etc.
so, I have pretty much the whole picture...not everyhing of course but enough.

and, finally, after 39 months of dealing with this the pain is much less.
Yes, I do think about it every day..but, the pain is definitely much less intense.
My husband continues to be the devoted husband...right now he is on the computer desperately trying to organize the best vacation possible for us.... to Hawaii!
When I start thinking about the A I have to remind myself of all of the kind, loving things he has been doing for me...and the fact that he never did any of these things for the OW.
sorry to ramble on this way...
hope some of my ramblings are helpful....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


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