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User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL Dip. Telling your wife you're going to meet women you met on the internet! When it's put like that it does sound "fishy".

Maybe we can put up a web cam for you when we meet? Then we can verify how handsome you are!

Miracle: Nope, as the conversation about forgiveness and the good analogy about bankruptcy, your WH will never be able to rectify what he did. I'm so sorry that he still doesn't "get it". I want to go over there and shake him for you!!

Nofun: I know from what you described that it was a mentally and emotionally exhausting day. But I am truly glad for you. If you both try, it will ease any "what ifs" in the future if you know what I mean?

You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. If it doesn't work, then you will know in your heart that you both tried your best, and I believe that would bring you a certain amount of peace. If it does work (and I'll keep praying for you) then you have so much to gain.

Keep coming here and keep venting and talking to us. You are at the beginning of a long arduous journey, and I admire you for it.
{{{{{{no fun}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, April 20th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun.. As you described it… it sounds like your H has realized the damage he’s done. That is remorse. That must happen to fully R. BTW, I’ve had all those same conversations with my W… In fact, It seems that my w and I have discussed about every topic in great detail…. And sometimes many times in repeat. I was finished 3 or 4 times… So, you make a choice to forgive and start all those things we described. If you are going to give it one more chance… then try it. My W and I have a huge advantage over you though… At Retrouville, we learn how to stick to desirables.. and if we have a problem, we us only discuss feelings and stay away from accusatory, controlling , ugly language. I can honestly say that weekend put us on the track to R… We did other things to from day one too… someone at SI suggested every day we face each other, hold both hands and look each other in the eyes and tell each other we can do this… we love each other, told each other something we did recently that made us happy, couples things, marriage things… My W and I did that for several months and still do it occasionally. Can you see the work we went through?

Iwant.. I don’t think I am burying any of my feelings by doing those entire forgiveness task. Heck maybe a few… but today, I’m pretty good only to describe how I feel. I can also shift that hurt... for example… When I see that billboard with OM plastered on it, I think, heck, I would love to spray paint “Adultery” over his face in huge letters… lol… I don’t need to share that hurt with my wife… I can come here and do it… or call my buddies… Please don't worry too much...

UKgirl… lol..Pardon me, but remember, we do have a language gap. You speak English English.. and I speak southern English… lol…. And Lopsided! Of course everything about an A is that… bankruptcy is a good analogy... except that comment about it staying on your credit report.. lol.. Bankruptcy is not total forgiveness. Bankruptcy does clear the debt, but it leaves a record of the wrong. To forgive and be at peace.. you need no records of wrong.

You have to either write it off and start over or walk away and invest in someone else.
Yep … that or limbo.

m334455… my IC said many successful R’s also depend on someone’s ability to forget things.. I get what you were saying.. but for me, I won’t forget, I will accept. I hope one day I’m going to make it by Extended Stay Hotel and forget that was brand where they met… Yep forgetting that kind of stuff is good.

Dip… If you have one of those school issued laptops… they have cameras ya know? Iwant may work for the school district.. wasn’t that in NY?

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:21 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alot going on in here, and I can never keep up! Just wanted to stop in quickly and share a few thoughts about the whole forgiveness issue...

"if we say that people who do terrible evil or hurt are beyond forgiving--- we give them a power they should NEVER have... they are given the power to keep their evil alive in the hearts of those who suffered most! WE give them power to condemn their victims to live forever with the hurting memory of their painful past. We give them the last word!"

"We attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it with immoortality! And we let it assault us every time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers over us while we try to live! Our hate does not even have the decency to die when those we hate die--- for it is a parasite sucking OUR blood, not theirs!! There is only one remedy for it--- forgiveness!"

Lewis B. Smedes, from his book, Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve.

There has been alot of talk about forgiveness, and I am no expert with that! My H and I are in a pretty solid R, and he does continue to amaze me with who he is now. I don't know truthfully whether I forgave, and I know I haven't forgotten, but I have moved on and away from the hurt. For me... life was just too short to stand in one spot for too long, and so I crossed the bridge into tommorow and hoped for the best! Luckily, that has been the case!

If my H had not changed and we stayed seperated, I believe that I would have still moved on! It's not easy, but it is better than continuing to stand in the hurt!! And we owe it to ourselves! We were victims, but we don't have to let it rob us of all the other things that bring us joy or laughter! It is our choice to make, and I hope that everyone finds some hope and laughter in their life's today!

I miss you all and I check here fairly often, but the weather is warm, the sun is bright and I am camping with my H every chance I get... he makes me smile, and I am happy!!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading everyone's posts and taking bits and pieces of advice and wisdom from all of the tribe. Thank you all!!!!!

It has truly helped me and also to be able to put my thoughts in writing and get feed back has done wonders. Today I feel as though maybe I'm coming out of that dark place that had me a prisoner for over a month.

Tryn - I took your advice and grabbed FWH hands last night before he went to bed and said "we can do this". He just looked at me and smiled. First smile in a long long time.

We have a long long road ahead of us. I think I may have convinced him to see the MC alone without me. I guess that turns into him having IC? I told him it was a must for him to do as I would feel he was making an effort to R. And I told him is was most important for him to put me first and make me feel loved. Otherwise, the M was not going to work.

Now, if I could only change some of my mind set. Why can't I let go? Why is this A front and center every single day after almost one year? I know I'm not the only one struggling. I have horrible triggers. I feel like I have to get rid of everything that reminds me of the A.... I've thrown out my bedroom set and mattresses (and OW was never in my house). I've thrown out all of his colored underwear (because that is what he wore when he was with OW). I've thrown out all of his fire t-shirts that said VEGAS! I hate when I hear the word VEGAS, I get triggers when we go to visit my family (that is where OW lives). I hate hearing OW's name (and it's so common). I am in the process of buying a new car because FWH always took my car when he went to see OW because I always had the nice car. Grrrr... Even the house I live in bothers me. I call it the "bad marriage" house. It's been nothing but a big fat lie for the last 15 years.

And sex....he wants to have sex....the thought makes me ill. It's not him and I, it's the mind movies during that I'm afraid of. I just don't want to go there but I know in order to get any kind of emotional and intimate feelings back I have too.

I think a labotomy may be what I need

What do you think about writing all these things down on a piece of paper and burning it?

How did you get past any of this?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - I couldn't get on the internet last night & I really won't be able to catch up til tonight - but I just wanted to tell DIP that he just cracked me up - almost had a laughing out loud, coffee-spraying incident!
Thanks for the laugh - I'll catch up with you guys later.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - I'm back.
Fun- good for you taking Tryn's advice & holding your h's hands.... and I'm glad you got the reaction you were looking for. That's great!
And - my H is now in ic only because we were in mc & I was doing all the talking & I told him that he should just go alone... and.... he did! On his way right now actually.
And - as far as letting go- first off, I believe everyone is different on this. I'm a bit of a grudge holder myself - not with little things or with people that are not close to me - but with family - ya, I'm a bit stubborn.
But - the only thing that has helped me let go a little bit (and at this point I can go about 3 hours consecutively without thinking about it & that's it...)is thinking about what my H has done to change. (Not that it's not a work in progress still.)
Anyway - can't wait to see my NY crew next week!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun:

first sex: you tell him he just has to wait until you are ready..period...this should not even be a discussion....

you need to time, you need to see changes in him, you need to feel safe, you need it to be about you, and finally you need to be about you and him...until then you probably will not be ready...

and if he really wants this, he will wait...without any pressure...of course he wants sex, but that doesn't mean he has to get it..

second: triggers...these you will have to work through as they occur...if your ws can help you do that, that will be better for your "r"...unfortunately he will not always be with you as these can occur at any time, in any place..and further he may not be capable yet to help you through them all..but i do hope he can help you through at least some of them...let him know what you need for each type of trigger...i have to say, stepping back and letting you replace everything you so far have needed too is awesome...and i understand the need and the desire to get rid of all things related to "her" and that time...

other triggers like where your family lives..those you will have to work through..reclaim them, reassociate them..and i know how hard this is, i currently go through this one too, everytime i pass where they met, everytime i here the place she lives...and i have a few of them...its fustrating, but i can tell you it can be done..i already took back one place that was significant...of course i still think of it now and then, but i no longer dwell on it, i no longer get that feeling in the pit of my stomach...

Now, if I could only change some of my mind set. Why can't I let go? Why is this A front and center every single day after almost one year?

there are actually several causes here...
1...you didn't see positive change with him
2...you didn't see any good with the mc
3...he was not actively persuing what was broken with him
4...you are not in ic, nor were you as active as you could be in your healing
5..and the most important reason of all...you are hurt...to the core...your heart is shattered into a billion pieces...and putting it all back to gether is going to take time, work and support...

time..nothing you can do about that one, except let it be and let it pass
work..go to ic, continue to come here, read, meditate, etc..
support..you have si, hopefully you will make a connection irl, and hopefully you will go to ic yourself

all these things go hand in hand...

your idea:

What do you think about writing all these things down on a piece of paper and burning it?

try it...whenever you have an idea that especially costs nothing or is reasonable in time, money and execution..will not hurt anyone either...GO FOR IT!!...in instances like this you really have nothing to lose, or close to nothing (make sure you don't burn anything down in the process, so take precautions) i always say GO FOR IT!!..you never know how well it might turn out, and especially you may end up doing it later on and regretting not doing it in the first place....

always do the rule of thumb for regrets...how will i feel about this a year from now, or next week or in 5 min...


nofun...you have already come such a long way in a short time..go back and read your earlier posts here in lta, look at how much progress has been made by you and in your life....yes you still hurt, but at least now you are getting somewhere...and each and every day you make progress is one day down for healing...

your ultimate goal in this is to heal your heart whatever the outcome...and hopefully you will restore your marriage..will it be the same marriage..hell no, will it give you happiness...very possible

all experiences change us, good and bad...this is certainly an experience..not one we would ever wish for, not one we want to repeat...but that is all this is...an experience, a hurtful one..but its not our entire life,it is but a segment of our life..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovin:

was wondering why you were not breezin in, but figured as much..

and as always you are a joy..


tryn:

I don’t need to share that hurt with my wife… I can come here and do it… or call my buddies… Please don't worry too much...

i will try not to worry to much ...and we will always be here for ya..


honest:

I want to go over there and shake him for you!!

]

he seems to have that affect on many people..


allgood: i too am looking forward to our little g2g next week....



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn --
I hope one day I’m going to make it by Extended Stay Hotel and forget that was brand where they met…

You should have been me, driving by the EXACT hotel they met in on St. Patrick's Day, the day they always spent together, to go have my precious baby girl. There's no way to get to the hospital from my house without driving by that stinkin' hotel.

It was good for us that she was born that day though -- it instantly made the day about something else, something that is unique and pure and good and only for us.

I don't think I shared this before, but the midwife picked St. Patrick's Day, not me. I wasn't really for it -- but it was the day they had. When I went in for the induction, they put me on the monitor and checked me, and I was contracting every 5 minutes (had been all night) and already 4cm dialated. The midwife and nurse laughed and said "you were going to have this baby today anyway!"

So, here is the new can of worms: does regularly posting on SI without your WSO knowing you visit the site count as an affair?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

I guess I will not be able to attend the meeting. That is good news for those that will be there. You all probably would let me talk. I would probably sound pretty funny to you NY and UK girls. I speak south and hillbilly. Thanks for backing me up concerning the description.

honest.

I was told the other day that I was very handsome. She was a 85 yr old woman in a nursing home. I think she has bad eyesight and is desperate for attention. If I am going to attend this meeting via webcam I promise to dress my best and comb my hair.

Allgood.

I'm glad I made you laugh. I lead a pretty simple and somewhat boring life. One of my main goals is to make someone have a laugh out loud coffee-spraying incident. It is good to hear that I almost succeded. I need to try harder.

tryn.

If miracle is using a webcam why can't I see her? This seems unfair!

As usual you have been giving out the great advice. I remember all the talk on here in the past about people being controlling. It seems to me that you are after all a controlling person. You are controlling yourself. I mean that in a good way.

nofun.

It is good to see some positive results for you. I can see that you have been helped by the good people here on the LTA forum.

Those triggers are tough to handle. They will get better with time. Unfortunatly this is a long distance run, not a sprint. The healing process is so slow sometimes.

lovinlife.

Thanks for the great words of wisdom. It is great that you post here. You shine a good & positive light.

m3.

You question if coming here without your WSO knowing is an A does hit home with me. My W does not know. I would bet everything I have that if she did find about this place she would not like it. She would not understand or like any of the joking around that happens, especially between me and the women here. I think she would consider that flirting.

They say that if a man and a woman are talking about anything that they would not want their SO to over hear than that is inapproprate and is indeed at least the start of a A. If you go by that rule than yes I am having a A. This has bothered me at times. Everytime I think up a good reason to justify my situation I say "this sounds like a WS excuse!" My two best reasons are, this is the safest place I can ask questions, vent, and learn. My other reason is the fact that she put me here. If she had not done what she did and if her mental problems did not make it impossible to handle this in a better way, I would not be here. To some, those excuses might sound lame. They are the best I can come up with. Maybe someone can improve on those.

Sorry you had to pass that motel on the way to have your baby. I have a motel I pass almost everyday. There is no way around it. It does not bother me near as much as it used to.

How is the baby? Can you post another picture of her cute little feet? If you don't want to do that I understand.

Tribe.

This is for every one here but especially those of you that are planning a meeting. You may have already thought of this but I want to suggest this anyway. Keep the details off of here. Use pm or email. I may sound paranoid, but you don't know who is lurking here.

Yesterday I was thinking that I would love to be a fly on the wall at the dinner. Then it occured to me that this thought is kind of creepy. Shame on me. Sorry about that. Then I thought what if a real creep is reading about this meeting? That is why I post this warning. I guess I kind of view all you girls as the little sisters I never got to have.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip: no worry, we have been exchanging pm this past week, and some of us a bit longer...

it also one of the rules of si...no personal info..

is this an affair: no, its group therapy...the largest group there is in therapy together i bet..over 28,000 of us...

its all in the wording i think...you aren't just talking to women you know..and i believe you are right about your wife not liking you come here...it would mean that she has to come face to face with some of her ugly, which is not one of her faves..and for that i wish it were different for you, i wish you could come here openly, because then it would mean that your marriage would be in a different place...but alas not meant to be for you my friend...

One of my main goals is to make someone have a laugh out loud coffee-spraying incident. It is good to hear that I almost succeded. I need to try harder

i don't know whether to identify with you or act surprised..


m3: so it would seem that you new baby girl has taken it upon herself to become a savior of sorts for you...i do not believe that its a coincidence that she helped you claim that day or the route you needed to take...

i do believe that this blessing will be a blessing in so many more ways..

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip: I agree with Miracle. This is a group therapy and if it were RL/in person, we wouldn't divulge what was going on just for privacy issues. We wouldn't really have to divulge what was going on in IC either. It has nothing to do with whether we are male/female, that's not what this is about. We are tying to heal, and hearing the both male/female pov is very helpful. Also, for me, if it wasn't for the wonderful BH's on this site, I would have lost faith in all men. I KNOW that is wrong, but feelings run crazy now.
And Dip, I have the worst accent. I grew up in NYC and am a "New Yawker" who likes to drink "cawfee".

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waiting to see if Mr UKg’s plane is going to leave the States for home. It’s on the departures list and it’s on our arrivals list. But there are still loads of cancellations and massive delays. I’m hoping the long haul will have priority over hops across from Europe! Mojo’s please!!

I now realize he wasn't "just kidding" when I was 29 and he kept saying I only had "one good year left."
Umm, he said what? What is this, Logan’s Run? He is determined to carry on through life pretending he is forever young and immortal by surrounding himself with nubile babes like Hefner? Get real! That would make me feel extremely insecure – even if it was spoken in jest. Do you really feel like this? It suggests you have one foot pointing at the door. If this is a case of setting your own financial security so that you can be more relaxed in the marriage, that is a good thing. If you are doing it with the almost certain knowledge that your marriage will not last, then I think you both need to discuss commitment and how you each view your prospects for your future together.

And I think you can view St Patrick’s Day as one with happy thoughts, memories and more of them in the future with Baby Paddy. You have taken the day!

So, here is the new can of worms: does regularly posting on SI without your WSO knowing you visit the site count as an affair?
No, it’s “group therapy”

I hope one day I’m going to make it by Extended Stay Hotel

I’d like to make it past ANY fucking hotel!!!! On my own, it’s not too bad. I raise a lip in a sneer and turn the music up really loud. With FWH, it’s tough. Even now, it’s tough.

Lovin’ – great to see you and love those quotes. It’s right and I think Tryn’ has alluded to the same thing from time to time. The forgiveness is for us because it sets us free from this prison our WS put us in. But sometimes it feels safer to stay in the cell. Kwim?

And sex....he wants to have sex....the thought makes me ill. It's not him and I, it's the mind movies during that I'm afraid of. I just don't want to go there but I know in order to get any kind of emotional and intimate feelings back I have too.
This one is difficult. And extremely sensitive. As I said, we went straight into HB (started the next day). It wasn’t planned, I was just really tired and worn out after being up all night, storming out over to his BF’s and then talking and talking. Quite suddenly I said I was going for a lie down. I didn’t want to hear anymore. I was crushed and wanted the sanctuary of my bed. H followed me and I allowed him to hold me. He kept looking at me. I mean really looking at me. He was searching my soul for hope. And for him, sex is the answer. Took me a while to figure it out, but he reckons if we are having sex that is working towards repairing our relationship. It is very, very important to him. I have never asked him the sex details and I don’t want to know. He only said he did nothing different with her than he did with me and that sex with her was “rough”. I needed to see that he was seeing it was ME he was making love to/having sex with. He would say my name (very important), look at me and if I wanted to stop, he would accept that and ask what I wanted or if he could hold me. He’d ask HOW I wanted to be held and hold me until I made the move away. It is intimacy. Into-me-see. It is those thread that hold you together. Intimacy, true intimacy, is not what they had. They shared secrets, sure, but they didn’t share all those tiny threads of life and marriage and history. Okay, I’ve rambled enough.

Now, if I could only change some of my mind set. Why can't I let go? Why is this A front and center every single day after almost one year?
Lack of progress. I had FWH lying from the moment he confessed. Mostly stupid lies with a few biggies thrown in. Me finding stuff out. Went on for way too long. He thought he was containing the damage, but the fact is he wasn’t born with a massive amount of common sense. And he didn’t bank on my thorough investigations. So that was our lack of progress. Yours is down to your H’s wallowing which actually is him putting up walls.

And if it works for you to write things down and then burn it, then do it.

Still waiting for the text from FWH that his flight is actually going to go........

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:04 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's good to go! Waiting at the gate to board his flight which leaves in about an hour. He'll be home by late morning if all goes well - and he remembers where he parked his car

It will be a relief to have him home. It has been a trying week with all the uncertainty.

Guess there will be flights to NYC now!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O.K. Group thearpy! That is a relief. I was starting to feel guilty. This opens a new door. Now I can tell my W I am going to NY for group therapy. Oh honey, I will be back in a week or so! Unless they make me stay longer.

miracle.

You identified with me, so don't even think about acting surprised.

honest.

My W had a job that required her to call a guy in NY to go over business reports. She said that they spent quite a bit of extra time doing this because they could not understand what the other was saying. They were always getting pissed at each other and saying "I wish you would talk english."

Yes, if all you girls talk like that I would be plenty of entertainment. Everytime I said anything, ya'all would laff your asses off at me.

It is good to hear that the BHs here have helped you keep your faith about men. When I first came here I was wondering if there would be many man haters here. I think I have seen a few and of course there are some women haters around. Not on the LTA thread though.

UKgirl.

I would like to make it past ANY fucking hotel!!! That made me laugh! Sorry.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. Small vent, need some hugs.
Was trying to do a bit of the 180. WH called 2 days ago and I told him I was down, didn't say anything. Of course he doesn't call for 2 days. He calls today, and I decided if it was that important, he'd leave a message or tell DS15 on his cell. He calls here twice, my cell twice, then DS 15 says he called him. DS was upset. Said his father was on his case about doing well in school. DS said WH said, " If you don't do well, I'll kill you. I have two other sons." Then DS said that WH said he was just kidding and he was worth a thousand sons.

DS 15 has one brother with me and WH. WH has 3 OC's the youngest is 1 1/2 yr. old baby boy.

I was besides myself with anger. I take all the crap dished out to me and don't complain, even act as though I deserve it, but hurt my sons!!! I become a mother lioness! DS 15 told me NOT to say anything to his father. I didn't know what to do. I called DS 30 to ask his advice. (He is very level headed). He said that WH is always like that. I asked if I should be quiet or say something, he said to say something.

Well, WH called again, I answered. WH was busy telling me all his business woes. Finally I spoke to him about what he said to DS 15. I said, "Why do you have to put salt in his wounds?" Of course WH said he was only kidding. Said he didn't say that, but that "I said I'd kill him and replace him with 2 more just like him."

[ I realized after I got off the phone, that he was really quoting a DVD we used to watch of Bill Cosby, but WH didn't even say this]

During the phone conversation he is saying something about how he needs to stay overseas for business, and wishes we could come. I told him it was impossible. He said you're right it's done. I said what? He said me and the kids living there.

I was the one who was saying it's impossible, because of OW. But, I was living on the fumes of false hope. That maybe, maybe he'd change his mid. That I was still wanted.

I feel like I've lost everything....him, my house over there, his family...

To top it off, I asked DS 30 to come to dinner tomorrow night, and he says he can't he's going to his father's. I said was it a special occasion? He said his father and his wife are going to Europe for 2 weeks, unless there's a problem with the flights (I thought of you UKgirl)

It just sucks. They get all the benefits. xWH bought me out, and now the house is worth 2 and half times the value!

I'm sorry, just p.l.o.m. (poor little ol me). I guess those tears that wouldn't come last week are flowing like crazy now.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. Small vent, need some hugs.

Honest - I just popped on here for a sec and read your post. I wish I had the perfect words to say to comfort you but truthfully I am speechless.
I just wanted you to know that I am sending a million and one hugs and wishing I could give them to you IRL right now. You are going through a very difficult time and it's bad enough your H is overseas with the OW, but for him to say this to your son, well there are no words to describe how mean and hurtful and cruel I think your H is being right now. ((((((((((((((((Honest)))))))))))))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest.

I am like fnf, I do not know what to say. I will double fnf's hugs. Do you have someone IRL to talk to? It is hard to imagine how you are able to handle all this. I will be thinking of you tonight. I hope that helps some.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just doesn't get it. He doesn't want to own up to the fact that the kids are hurt too.

When I was telling him how hurt DS 15 was, WH says, he's making up stories, making it sound worse, blah blah. I said that DS is 15 now, he doesn't make up stories and why would he EVER make that up!!! WH says DS should be a man and be complaining or making things worse than they are. I said a man is not supposed to get hurt feelings? He said I wouldn't understand.

All the time he is sounding angrier and angrier and I was calm. I told him that it's ok for him to talk anyway he wants because he's mad, but I'm supposed to always talk perfectly. He said he was getting off because he didn't like the way he was talking.

He had said he was sick for the past few days. I don't care!!

I made an appt. for DS 15 for IC. He's been getting angry and upset lately saying that his father is over there spending all his time with those kids, and even when we were there, he spent time with them.

OMG, I feel the anger part of the roller coaster starting!! My IC kept asking me why I wasn't angry. But the bastard......
He kept saying before that our DS's would get used to it(the other OC's) and it's because of how I'm acting that they are not. WH's cousin, who's a pediatrician said WS wasn't thinking right. He said that even when kids get a new baby brother or sister in a "NORMAL" way as a sibling of the parents, the kids are bound to feel a little jealous. Now they are dumped with 3!!!!

I just feel like I'm going crazy!!!!!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

o.k. first off, take a deep breath...i can absolutely understand the anger...i actually hink its good for you right now to feel some anger over the hurt....

your ws is to put it simple a stupid fool....he is a man who cannot acknowledge what he has done, doesn't want to, doesn't see it...and m ore then likely he never will until he is an old man and alone...

he has many issues, he does not deserve you and all you are...he cannot shine your shoes in the class dept....

he is a fool for what he has done to you and what he now does your children...i think putting your son in ic is a great idea, so go for it...

now i think you have alotmore venting to do too...i believe this is only the tip of the iceberg...

as for him staying away a bit longer...be grateful, when he does come back it won't be easy for so many reasons...at least this way you have more time to get your stuff together on what you want to do and how..

so i am happy that he is staying there, that really is beneficial for you...

I just feel like I'm going crazy!!!!!!

you are not the crazy one dear heart...not at all...


btw when they get on the offensive it means he is deflecting..he needs to attack before he can be attacked or answer questions..he puts you on the defensive so it looks like you are the one doing wrong..its another form of manipulation...i know it so well, i lived it...

do not let this man turn the tables, he is going to use everything he has...

and then he will come back all nicey nicey too when the other shit is not working...


180 180 180 180...

o.k. i am on pfms laptop so i do not have time right now for more...i will be checkin in on you in the am...or later if my dd ever gets off the other computer before i pass out....

(((((honest))))

i will give you these irl next week...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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