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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair X V I I
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: I tried to pm you a picture - but alas- I don't know what the hell I'm doing... Sorry, the imagination it is then.

Forgive: ty for the post. I have been telling myself this for awhile. I get so angry at ow & as my H & she were so thoughtful as to have her use me as her attorney - I have A LOT of dirt on her & it just KILLS me that I can't use any of it!!!! So, I've been telling myself that she must be pretty upset too. And - I thought we might meet face to face a few weeks ago & while I was planning on keeping cool - if I had the opportunity to get a dig in it was going to be precisely that: ow gave it her all & was rejected. I didnt even know there was a competition.

Honest: I dont think your h is choosing ow over you. He wants you both - he's just not willing to give her up it seems. Honestly - if this was legal in the US - I bet you'd see a lot more people in your situation - cuz there's plenty of cake eaters out there.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just (((((hugs))))) for the tribe..

do not have much to give right now...maybe later


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

did a little posting in general...i really do feel better when i feel like i can help, or just add my voice to those who already said what i felt...

there are moments in time when i just don't want to do this anymore, any of it....thankfully they are just moments and will pass...but while they are here, i am so sad... ....

maybe i am pms'ing...i did want and eat some chocolate today...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgive - I just might give that massage thing a try. I think somehow in my brain if I could get the intimacy back, I would feel more connected? I just don't feel connected to H. I swear if he left tomorrow I would be relieved. It would be like a big weight was lifted. I'm sick of walking on egg shells and feeling like I'm a misfit. And then the other part of me thinks that time will heal all wounds and my feelings will change. My self esteem is so shot to hell. Do you ever regain that self esteem?

Honest - thank you so much for making me laugh this morning. Doing what is best for you and the kids comes first and foremost. I actually updated my will, my trust and my health care proxy. I left my business and my second home to my kids and made my sister my health care proxy. He doesn't deserve what I worked so hard for. I woke up one night in a cold sweat thinking that if I died, OW would reap what I worked so hard to attain. I just got my own safe deposit box too. I need to protect myself...At least I can sleep a little better at night.

So...the sex thing is at the top of his list right now. He says it's how he feels connected. It's how he can communicate his love. It's how he feels close. I just feel so inadequate. I feel like I'm being compared since he said OW was so "different" and was "wild".

Death was right with her post about affairing down...God OW was so homely. I think that pisses me off the most. That he stooped lower than whale shit! I don't care how awful it is...CA is too good for her. I hope she lives the rest of her life a lonely old hag....OH that feels so much better!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget... On the contrary.. I thank you for making the post. It was who my W was.. Exactly! I think coming here reading all these post about who my wife was, who I am, what to do... all that goes toward healing... you saw my chart on grief. I am on the upward climb.. I am getting my Lion back...lol... (You here that nofun?)

iwantamiracle... Go do something fun! What's your favorite thing to do? Take a ride in the car with all the windows down... Find a new park to power walk... go bring some food to food pantry...

Allgood... I was really just kidding... I would never judge you fine ladies.. You all are angels to me... You ladies take a group pic when you get together.. I'll give you my email...

Peace all... Feeling good after my 7 mile run...

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:38 PM, April 26th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Sad  Posted: 7:45 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*sigh* ... i don't know what to day ... you all have given me wonderful Ideas ... and I am going to ... I am gonna start slow and try and put a piece away and buy something new to take it's place or rearrange to fill the empty place (not with stuff from the past) ...

and something else I have been feeling bad about ... I do not post on this thread as often as I used to ... I hang out in F&G & O/T alot ... cause it's I don't know ... less triggery and not WS/BS related ...

and then when I come here or go into D/S I feel bad cause I don't post or reply as often ... I don't feel like I give back as much as I get ... so I don't post my issues ... till they boil over like they did in F&G the other night ...

I have a real hard time priortizing and budgeting my time wisely ...

so I don't even really understand what is I am trying to say and I don't know if I feel better or worse now ...

*sigh* ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

boogerbear - go slow and take your time...it will all come to you when you are ready.

(((((((boogerbear))))))))))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive....that was such a good post about the OW (and I believe it also applies to the OM).
We, the BS, often put ourselves down...comparing ourselves to the OW/OM...whether they were younger, better looking, and of course that favorite: better sexually...

and, in reality, they were worse than us in every way.

The only thing they had going for them is that they were someone 'different' and unknown...and because the relationship started as a sexual fantasy..they were able to create this pretend persona for themselves. That's what they liked about it..they could lie to the OP and to themselves. That's why they often feel stupid or unable or uninterested in doing the same sexual acrobatics with the BS.
It was a relationship that was in this little strange bubble...not exposed to the scrutiny of the real world.
In my husband's case... the MOW was an experienced cheater...her first affair started in the late 1970's (not kidding!)and that one lasted for 6 yrs....so, she was an experienced OW..she knew how to get a married co-worker's attention. And that was by offering kinky sex...that was her come on... S&M, spanking, tying her up etc. Very degrading stuff..
My husband worked with the MOW and never, ever told any of his drinking buddies about her.He never bragged about her. A lot of it has to do with not wanting the affair to be found out but, I also suspect that part of it was that ultimatley it was because she was nothing to brag about.Not someone that other men would say WoW! you're tapping that?!

As soon as he was outside of the sick, secret , little bubble....well...poof! The fantasy wasn't such wonderful fantasy anymore....
In the privacy of their Atlantic City hotel room she was some kind of sexual seductress....
but, in the real world....
she was a flabby, 50+ yr old married mother of 3.... with stretch marks, very bad, discolored teeth,and big boobs...but, absolutely zero self respect or morals or ethics....
she was a woman that would expose her breasts in the middle of the work day to unsuspecting married male co-workers just for attention...
and my husband?
And my husband? Was he this dashing, handsome, OM? No....he was at his absolute worst in terms of alcoholism..he was the most flabby, out of shape, and over weight that he had been in his life. He was extremely depressed, angry, short tempered both at home and at work. He was mean and dismissive to the MOW ( I have the emails where she is pleading for him to let her give him a BJ! and to stop ignoring her...). As an affair partner he was not at all romantic. There were no romantic emails... he called her a slut and said that was what he liked about her.
He never bought her a gift, flowers, etc. He never took her to a movie or out to dinner...
They did have overnights at hotels but they were all work related and other co-workers were usually there at meals, etc.
the other half of their encounters involved her giving him BJs in a bar parking lot after work (sometimes in broad daylight)..no hugging, or kissing allowed because the other co-workers were in the bar and he had to be on look out....
Can you imgaine how romantic and great that must have been? and...he didn't even have a nice car!
In our house... I always drive the newer car... he drives the clunker... ( I now drive a BMW) but during the 5 yrs of the affair... he drove a 10 yr old green Honda accord! wow... she hit the big time....
But, what the attraction is that they can 'pretend' with this OW/OM...and because the OP is also in the same mindset...they will ignore the reality and try to lose themselves in this fantasy for the time that they are together.
And, that explains why so few (less than 5%) of the affair partners ever get married...and out of those I think 50% end up getting divorced....
they do not like the reality of the OP, probably never did.
And...during the affair the WS did not like the reality of who they were...that's why the fantasy attracted them and that's why after d-day it is so difficult for the WS to talk about the affair...they are so embarrassed, ashamed, often shocked at who they were during that time that they do not want to be reminded of it.

Sorry... I rambled on for so long....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive and Allgood: Before WH went back overseas, the last time he was here, I did tell him to choose me or her. His answer? "Neither of you."

He told me it was too late for us to fix it. He said he was not going to divorce her. "She is my full wife in every sense of the word. What I do with her is none of your business."
"You have to accept the fact that your husband is married to someone else."

Then when he calls, he tells me he loves me, that we'll spend the rest of our life together.

I agree, he is just trying to bully me or whatever to accept the situation. He says he feels divorce it not good for the kids.

I DO NOT accept it and never will. All I'm trying to do now is just survive enough to get my ducks in a row. Just enough to survive to get up in the morning....

Damn.....I was doing so good for about a month. Even over the weekend, I actually felt happy, something I hadn't in such a long, long time.

Thank you all.

{{{{Miracle}}}}} we're here to listen. You've always listened to us!!!

Tryn: I always like your charts and graphs and pictures! Thank you.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - I've only got a minute - so NJGirl I have to get back to you.
My H interrupted my SI time, but he just ran out but I wanted to give a quick shout out to Miracle - I know you are out there somewhere - here's my first SI hug:
(((Miracle))) - serenity now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've posted here and the sex addicts. My WH is in a long term relationship with OW#1; has also had multiple OW (he's more of a sex and love addict). Last dday (#4) was in Feb. Since then he has maintained NC. But he hasn't done much recovery work for his addiction.

He was in IC and group when he went back to OW#1 back in Jan. I suggested he was at risk of going back to her, since he hadn't strengthen his recovery work since then.

Today I asked him if he knew why he went back to her in Jan. His response was that it was the 'great sex.'

Well, that was quite a blow. I feel I should just give up. He isn't getting much better. And I'm only going to keep getting hurt.

Any advice?


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 9:07 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((iwant))) I am on a study break and checked in on the thread ...

I am not sure if you are talking bout your sitch at home or all the heart break in the general ...

but either or you can always talk to us ... we give hugs and several on here, you included give amazing advice ...

booger


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, April 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal: It's good to ramble, just to get it out. So many WS's get the bottom of the barrel, maybe because that's all they feel they deserve, or for a lot of them they need someone lower than them. You are too good for him!!

{{{{Booger}}}}} I can tell from your earlier post that you are down. Start with baby steps. We are encouraging you. Start with that hat on your bedpost!! Put some crazy beach hat there!! Think to yourself that you are redecorating for the summer that's coming. I do have another piece of advice: get a new body spray, one you've never tried before. The light ones...preferably something summery to go with the summer theme. It will give you a lift and it will be different...it will be YOURS and have nothing to do with WS. (I bought some thing that said "Ocean Breeze" or somesuch, they have tropical stuff...fruity, whatever)

Twokids: I read your profile and you've been on some ride since last year!! You've been through the wringer, I'm so sorry.
You said you were trying for over 8 months. I truly understand how frustrating and hurtful it is when you are the only one trying.
It seems your WH said it was "great sex" only because he had to have some excuse for his behavior. If he is a SA, he probably knows how broken he is and doesn't want to go there.
The only advice I can give from what you posted and your profile is to see how many times are you going to "try one more time". I feel you are trying this time, and perhaps you should continue to do so. But, perhaps you may say to him and yourself...this is the last time. Only you can decide this. Maybe you might want to give him more time in therapy. That is something only you and your GUT can decide. I've learned, and it's still not easy, that my gut is smarter than my head or my heart.

{{{Tribe}}}

Miracle.....I hope you are ok!! We are all worried about you.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - hope u r ok. I have no idea what is going on - so some generic advice is all I can offer. As you have been told many, many times, you are a very thoughtful, kind & generous person. You have given a lot to everyone here & I hope you know how much everyone here appreciates you. As for real life - I hope the kids arent wearing you out. I'm a worrier by nature myself- but there's only so much we as parents can do & then it's up to our kids to create their own future. If it's your "sich" then maybe it's time to reexamine some choices.
All I can offer - again- hope you are ok.

Booger: don't beat yourself up.

NJGirl: good post. I agree that the ws can be looking for something different in the op. To an extent, my h was different with ow. I think in general my h was just looking to escape all the responsibilities at home - plus I was his only real relationship - maybe he needed to try something else. I know he is not very happy with himself right now and I think I have interpreted that as he is depressed that what he has at home with me is not really what he wants. So - I'm going to try to be very supportive and not get offended if he doesnt reciprocate and hope accomplishes something. (Does make me wonder why it took so many months for him to become unhappy with himself tho as this started I would say only 4 months ago. Maybe he had the hope that this would all blow over and we could go back to "normal" and now that time has passed he realizes the enormity of this. Idk - on DDay he said himself that our relationship was now broken forever and I would never get over it.)
I'm trying to take a wait & see attitude.
MIRACLE WHERE ARE YOU - YOU ARE FREAKIN ME OUT!!! (Just let us know you are alive).


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

twokids... I think you H falls in the "doesn't get it" category... He needs a wake up call... Do you really want to be with someone like this? Does he want to be with you? I think you know...

booger.. I like you signature...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - I hope you are ok and maybe just need to take a break from here right now. Believe me, we have all done that at times when we feel overwhelmed with our own situation. Just know that we are all thinking of you and are here for you whenever you feel ready to come back. If it's too much to post, maybe (and only if you feel up to it) you can send a PM to one of us and that person can let us all know how you're doing. Take all the time you need. I hope you can feel all the love and support we are all sending out to you.
((((((((Miracle))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

on DDay he said himself that our relationship was now broken forever and I would never get over it.)

Allgood - it's very interesting that so many men have said this to their BS. To me, it's a classic case of projection. I think men in general (of course Dip and Tryin are the exception - the good exception )are admitting by this statement IMO that if the roles were reversed, if we were the WS and they were the BS, they couldn't get over it - and so they find it impossible to believe we are willing to give the M another try.
When my BIL heard about my situation he told my sister that he hoped I'd be able to forgive my H and they both tried very hard to support our decision to R. Yet he told her many times that he would not be able to forgive her and would want a D if she ever did that to him.
Guys, maybe you can help us understand this. I hear this alot even though there are many guys on here who are able to offer their wives another chance.
I think this may be what your H is experiencing. I can only tell you that my H still, after 4 1/2 years, will occasionally ask if I'm planning on leaving him. The other night he woke up very upset because he dreamt that I was going to D him. I was so surprised that he is still thinking like this after all the work we've been doing.
It made me think that just as BS's we are always watching and waiting to see if they are going to cheat again (at least I am )they are always watching and waiting to see if we are going to leave. That's just the way I've experienced it anyway.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:11 AM, April 27th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget.. I think everyone thinks they can never forgive (never get over the hurt and damage).... I didn't think I could.... Until Dday happens.

The shock was overwelming... you don't think to clearly... my mind was going so fast.. so many different situations... Shocked not in any pain... but thoughts going and coming about what to say, what to do...

For me, I think my wife was lucky that my parents are D. I hated the fact I split time... I hated that so much, I was willing to try and R. I was also afraid. The fear at the time of thinking about such a huge change in my life.. greed too... Greed that I did not want to split our wealth.. Yep... Fear of change played a huge role in my staying to R.

Everyone is different...

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:32 AM, April 27th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive: You are right -my h has said that he would never be able to get over it if I did this to him. And, actually I was very surprised that within the 1st week of DDay he had asked me if I thought about having an affair to get back at him. He has also said that in general it has always been his opinion that a couple cant recover from infidelity. I found your comment about the ws maybe having that anxiety about us leaving interesting. Maybe that's true. I have to say that would make sense with my H - tho you would really never know it until the shit hits the fan. (Unfortunately - I've been a bit loose with the "this is never going to work" lately. In part - it's because I can only really reach him & get him to say what I need to hear in this setting. I do realize that this is ultimately harmful. In fact, I just apologized to him for saying this over the weekend. He said "no big deal" then switched topics. He really will do anything to avoid having a serious discussion of any kind - even when it's intended to help him heal.

Miracle: sorry if you feel pressured to post - just take some time for yourself. Just know we are thinking of you. (You remind me of a good friend of mine- it took me a long time to realize that she's not always as happy as she seems - that when she disappears for a week or 2 I know something really bad is going on with her. I hope you know that you dont always have to be the strong one.)
Anyway - looks like I'm late for work again.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - Another thought in your situation - I would think that the fact that you're a D attorney has something to do with your H's anxiety about you leaving. You've got all the connections and maybe over the years you've come home after a particulary nasty D saying how fast you'd be out if that ever happened to you. (I don't know - just thinking it might be possible.)
Truthfully, before d-day, if I had heard my story about someone else I would have told my H, I would take his sorry ass to the cleaners, KWIM??? No way I would have believed I would have stayed and tried to R. Like Tryin said:
I think everyone thinks they can never forgive (never get over the hurt and damage).... I didn't think I could.... Until Dday happens.

Yep, tryin, that's what I always thought too.
Btw, where is Dip? Is everything ok Dip or are you taking a break too? Hope you're in a good place and just needing some time off.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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